 The Jack Benny program, transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike, the cigarette that's toasted to taste better. If you want better taste from your cigarette, Lucky Strike is the brand to get. It's toasted to give you the best taste, yet it's the toasted cigarette. This is Don Wilson. As cigarette smokers, you and I know the most important single thing any cigarette can offer is taste. Better taste. And as many millions of Lucky Smokers will tell you, Lucky's taste better. You know why? Because it's toasted. Yes, it's toasted to taste better. Lucky's better taste actually begins with the fine tobacco that goes into every Lucky Strike. LSMFT, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco, and then that fine tobacco is toasted. It's toasted. That's the famous Lucky Strike process that tones up Lucky's naturally mild, good tasting tobacco. Brings it to its peak of flavor, makes it taste even better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. So, for better taste in your cigarette, be happy. Go Lucky. Buy a carton of better tasting Lucky Strike. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Rochester, Dennis Day, Bob Crosby and yours truly powerful. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight Jack Benny does another of his TV programs over the CBS television network. But meanwhile, let's go out to Jack's home in Beverly Hills where, as you know, he lives alone with his butler, Rochester. It's 9.30 in the morning and, as usual, one is in bed while the other is in the kitchen preparing breakfast. Now let's see, where are the eggs? Gee, it's so hard to find anything in this refrigerator. Maybe I ought to trade it in. I hear the newer models have a light in them. Oh, here's an egg on the bottom shell. Pretend you're happy when you're blue. Should I have one egg or take two? Eh, one egg's enough. I just said two, so it would rhyme. I think I'll scramble it. Let's see now. First I'll break it into this bowl. Gosh, I'm weak in the morning. Maybe I better have my orange juice first. Yeah, I'll make some orange juice. See that orange juice sure looks good. Now to get the seeds out. Here's one, two, three, four, five. I think I'll go outside and, nah, it would take them years to grow. Pretend you're happy when you're blue. Now who can that be? Hello? Hello, this is Russ' jewelry store in Beverly Hills. Yeah? The diamond necklace with the emerald pendant you ordered is ready and we can deliver it today. Please have your check for $12,000 ready. Look, this is Jack Benny. You must have the wrong number. Must have. I haven't been this wrong since I invited my mother-in-law to live with us. What reason would I have to buy a diamond necklace? It looks silly on me. Now to have my orange. See, that's funny. The glass is empty. Somebody drank my orange juice. There's nobody in the house but Rochester. That's it, Rochester. Way to like Rochester. Rochester, did you drink my orange juice? Rochester, you're not fooling me. Get up. Rochester! I know I'm cute, honey, but control yourself. Maybe he is asleep. I'll tickle him and wake him up. It's you, boss. What a disappointment. Rochester, I made a glass of orange juice. I went in the next room to answer the phone and when I came back, the orange juice was gone. Maybe the mice drank it. Mice don't drink orange juice. In California? All right. I know you drank it, but we'll talk about it later. Now get out of the bed. I want you to drive me down to the doctor's office. I got to go for a physical. What's matter, boys? You feel bad? No, no. It's just that my sponsor is taking out an insurance policy on me and I have to be examined. How much is the policy for? A million dollars. But if I'm killed accidentally, the sponsor collects two million dollars. Two million? Yes. Boys, you better watch your step. I hear your sponsor's hobby is rifle shooting. Oh, I'm not worried about that. He does his target practice on a range way out at Sunset and Westwood. I don't even pass there on my way home. I know, but for two million dollars they can make a bullet that waits for you at Pico and Subalbanus. What are you talking about? My sponsor just trying to protect his investment, that's all. Now hurry downstairs. Imagine him denying that he drank that orange juice. Got a good notion to make him stay in bed all day. No, he'd like that. I better squeeze another orange. Well, that does it. Oh, Jack. Jack, are you up yet? Huh? Oh, hello, Mary. Come on in. I'm in the kitchen. What are you doing here so early? Early? I was here a few minutes ago. I came into the house, walked in the kitchen. Nobody was there, so I drank a glass of orange juice and left. Mary, you... you drank... All right, here's a dime. Here's a dime. Here's a dime. Don't be so sarcastic. I made a terrible mistake. I accused Rochester of drinking my orange juice. Well, that's you, Jack. Always jumping conclusions. Always what? Always jumping to conclusions. I do not. What about that morning you got out of bed and accused Rochester of taking your new suit? Well... Then you took off your nightgown and there it was. Well, that wasn't my fault. When I come home tired, he's supposed to undress me. Well, anyway, I drank your orange juice and you ought to apologize to Rochester. Oh, Mary, I don't have to apologize. He knows I'm sorry. He does not, and you've got to tell him. Oh, Mary, I can't. You can, too. Now, be a man. Oh, hello, Miss Limson. Hello, Rochester. Mr. Benny has something to say to you. Oh. Jack, go ahead. Well... Jack. Oh, all right. Rochester. Turn around and face him. Oh. Go on. Well... Rochester. Yes, boys? I'm sorry I said you drank my orange juice. Jack, come back here! Oh, what a baby. Well, I better get the car now and I've got to take Mr. Benny to the doctor. The doctor? What for? The sponsor took out an insurance policy and Mr. Benny has to be examined. Rochester. Oh, you're back. Yes. Rochester, to get the car now, we'll go. Now, I've got a hurry, Mary, so you... Oh, darn it, there's the phone. Just when I'm ready to leave. Hello? Hello, Jack. Guess who this is? Huh? Who is this? I'm in a hurry. I'll give you a hint. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and I'm lumpy too. I have to rush away. What'd you call me for? Well, Jack, I've got the sportsman here and we've got a wonderful idea of her commercial. But, Don, I don't want to hear it over the phone. You can wait the rehearsal. Anyway, I don't like the songs they've been picking lately. Why don't they pick something classy once in a while? Classy? That's exactly what this one is. Don, you've been saying for years that these commercials are classy and that quartet always winds up going crazy. At this time, Jack, you love this one. Oh, I will, eh? Well, let me hear it. Are the boys close to the phone? Hmm. All right, Don, let me hear it. Take it, boys. They warned me when you kissed me Your love would ricochet Your lips would find another And your heart would go astray I thought that I could hold you With only charms But then one day you ricocheted To someone else's arms and baby I don't want to ricochet romance I don't want to ricochet love If you're careless with your kisses Find another turtle dove I can't live on ricochet romance No, no, not me If you're gonna ricochet baby I'm gonna set you free And I knew the day I met you You had, I thought that What a fool I was to try You promised you'd be faithful Oh, never stray Then like a rifle bullet You began to ricochet But baby, I don't want to ricochet romance I don't want to ricochet love You and me are through forever Find another turtle dove Thanks for all those gifts you gave me Those lucky strides Let's forget and light up a lucky That's the one I like I'll be happy poppin' a lucky I can count on luckies I know Always with me when I travel Full impact and ready to glow Always cleaner, fresher and smoother The best will get Let's be happy, happy, go lucky What a cigarette Let's be happy, happy, go lucky Let's light a lucky spot Now, why is it they always start out so nice And then go crazy? We can't use that commercial. It's too noisy. Anyway, where did they get that gun? They found it on a bench at Pico and Sepulveda. No! What's that, Jack? Nothing, nothing. I'll see you at rehearsal. I thought Rochester was only guessing. Well, I'm gonna have my orange juice and then go. Come on, Rochester, let's... Well, look who's here. Hello, everybody. I came in through the kitchen. Oh. Oh, hello, Dennis. Hello, Mr. Benny. Thanks for the orange juice. Oh, for heaven's s... What do you think this is? A cafeteria? Yes. Look, kid, it's not just the orange juice. It's the principal. I'm trying to conserve food. Well, my mother conserves food every night. Well, she deserves a lot of credit. How does she do it? When it's time for dinner, she locks me in a closet. Dennis. But last night I got even with her. I ate the doorknob. What? Now, every little thing turns my stomach. Look, kid, I haven't had my breakfast yet. Leave me alone. What brings you over here, anyway? Well, I got a brand new arrangement for my song, and I thought maybe you wanted to hear it. Well, do I have to hear it now? I mean, so early? Oh, it isn't early, Mr. Benny. I'm up and dressed and out of the house at 5 o'clock every morning. 5 o'clock? What for? The buses aren't crowded. Dennis, where do you have to go at 5 o'clock in the morning? No place, but I get a seat. Here, kid, have a doorknob. Jack, not in the head. Look, Dennis, you sing your song for Mary, and she'll tell me how it is. I've got to have breakfast and rush away to the doctor. Oh, I don't blame you. You look awful. What? Sing, kid. You said it. I'll see you kids later. Goodbye. Don't be late. Can't you go a little faster? You know, right after my... I take my physical, we'll go down to the... Rochester! Rochester, they got me! They got me! Get back in the seat, boss! That was a tire! I should have known we're only at Pico and Roxbury. Rochester, you change the tire, and I can walk to the doctor's office from here. See, his office should be around here. Oh, there it is. Doctors Fenchel and Gordon. Yes, sir. How do you do? I'm Jack Benny. Oh, yes. You have an appointment for a physical examination. That's right. Well, I'll have to fill out this card first. Name Jack Benny. That's right. Your address? 366 North Camden Drive. Your complexion? Ruddy. Color of your eyes? Lazy lagoon blue. Five foot ten. Your weight? 157. Now, I'll just slip this band around your arm there. Hey, this is awfully tight. What is it? A lie detector. The next question is your age. Now, wait a minute. I don't need a lie detector to tell you my age. I'm 39. A lie detector can be wrong too, you know. Well, Mr. Benny, if you'll just sit over there and wait, the doctors will see you in a minute. Well, thank you. Now, do you like that using a lie detector when she asked my age? None of the other nurses ever did that. They asked me my age. I tell them I'm 39. They put down whatever they think. I've got a good mind to absolutely... Well, so long, doctor, and thanks a lot. Bob! Oh, hello, Jack. Bob, Crosby, what are you doing here? Well, I took this x-ray of me, and I just picked it up. Oh. So what's the writing down in the corner of the x-ray? The name of the doctor? Oh, no. No, no. It says to brother Bing with love. I'm giving it to him for his birthday. Bob, why in the world would you give Bing an x-ray for a present? Well, he's got everything else. Well, that's logical. May I take a look at it, Bob? Well, sure. Go ahead, Jack. Let me see. Bob, nothing shows in this x-ray. Why is it so blurry? Oh, well, you have to use Polaroid glasses. It's three-dimensional. No kidding. Jack, what are you doing here? Oh, it's nothing. I just came for an insurance examination. See, the sponsor's taking out a million-dollar policy on me. A million dollars? Uh-huh. Well, who's going to pay the five dollars for the medical exam? You're the sponsor. The Blue Cross. I found a loophole. So long, Bob. So long. Oh, Mr. Benny, the doctor will see you now. Thank you. Oh, doctor. Doctor? Yeah! Doctor, here I am. Oh. It's mortuary. I'm having lunch with Ralph Bolton. Oh. We're quite friendly. I throw him a lot of business. I see. Hello, Ralph. He's out with him. He drives such a big car. Benny, I'll get my associate in here and we'll give you your examination. Oh, Dr. Gordon. Uh, yes, Dr. Fanchel. Will you help me with this examination? This is Mr. Benny. Oh, uh, pleased to meet you, Dr. Gordon. Thank you. Now, Mr. Benny, will you please strip? You mean undress? Yeah. All right. You need the music. Oh, I'm sorry. Our last patient was Tassel's Latour. Now get behind that screen and take off your clothes. Yes, sir. When you're ready, Dr. Fanchel and I will be in the next room. Oh, doctor, I've been concerned about that call you made this morning. Any information yet? Yeah, I got a report from Dr. Stanley and it's all over. So what was the result? She ran fifth and we lose four bucks. I wonder what's taken Mr. Benny so long. Mr. Benny, you got all your clothes off? Yeah, yeah. Well, then come out from behind that screen. Well, gee, don't I get balloons or anything? Yeah, just slip on this gown. Yes, sir. There, I'm ready. Very well. Now, Mr. Benny, will you please step behind this florescope? Yes, sir. Contact? Contact. Wow! This seems to be a round metallic object near your kidney. Oh, that's a quarter I swallowed years ago. Shall we, Dr. Gordon? Why not? Mr. Benny, will you please hiccup? Hiccup? Yeah. Uh, it's Tails, Dr. Gordon, you lose. What is this, anyway? Now, hold still, Mr. Benny. We want to examine your stomach through the florescope. Yes, sir. The spleen seems to be okay and the pancreas is in the right position. Yeah, but look at the liver. The liver? Yeah, what's that on top of it? Well, I'll be darned onion. 69 cents at Rexall. Now, Mr. Benny, drink this glass of barium. You mean all that white stuff? Yes. It's a harmless chemical and when you drink it, we can follow its course through the florescope. Oh, all right. Mmm. He'd taste awful. You drank it all? Mmm. There. Oh, look, Dr. Fenchel. The barium has reached the esophageal entrance. There it goes over to cricoid cartilage behind the tracheal bifurcation and through the arch of the aorta. And now it's passing to the esophageal hiatus of the diaphragm. But passes Pico and Sepulveda. It's dead. The esophageal gastric junction. What? It's passing the kidney on the outside. Headed into the home stretch. It's barium sulfate by two lengths. Come on, native dancer. That's all. The examination is over. You can go now. Well, thank you. Oh, Mr. Benny. Yes? You better put your clothes on. Oh, yes. I forgot. I'll put my clothes on. A pretty girl is like a melody. Jack will be back in a minute to tell you about his television program, which goes on immediately after this show. But first, the sweetheart of Lucky Strike, Miss Dorothy Collins. If you want better taste from your cigarette, Lucky Strike is the brand to get. It's toasted to give you the best taste. Yet it's the toasted. Cigarette, they take fine. Tobacco, it's light. Tobacco, it's mild. Tobacco, too. And it's toasted. Yes, it's toasted. Because the toasting brings the flavor right through. So to get better taste from your cigarette, Lucky Strike is the brand to get. It's toasted to give you the best taste. Yet it's the toasted. Cigarette. That's something to remember, friends. If you want better taste from your cigarette, Lucky Strike is the brand to get. Yes, because it's toasted to taste better. Now, first of all, Lucky's taste better because they're made of fine tobacco. LSMFT, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Naturally mild, good tasting tobacco. And then that tobacco is toasted. It's toasted. The famous Lucky Strike process tones up Lucky's naturally mild, good tasting tobacco to make it taste even better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Keep that in mind. And for a better tasting smoke every time, make your cigarette Lucky Strike. Ladies and gentlemen, I was going to tell you about my television show, but we're a little late, so tune in and watch it. Good night, folks. The Jack Benny Show tonight was written by Milt Josasberg, John Takkeberry, Al Goldman, Al Gordon, and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks. Filter smokers, true tobacco taste, real filtration, famous Tarleton quality. They're all yours when you smoke Filter Tip Tarleton. Filter Tip Tarleton gives you all the full, rich taste of Tarleton's quality tobacco and real filtration, too. Because Filter Tip Tarleton incorporates activated charcoal, renowned for its unusual powers of selective filtration. Look for the red, white, and blue stripes on the package. They identify Filter Tip Tarleton, the best in filtered smoking. The Jack Benny program is brought to you by the American Tobacco Company, America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes. Be sure to watch Jack Benny on television in a few seconds. This is the CBS Radio Network.