 CHAPTER XXI FIRST PREPARATIONS BEFORE A WEDDING The Bridesmaids Luncheon In many sections of America, especially in the country and in small towns, bridesmaids make a special feature of asking their bridesmaids to a farewell luncheon. The table is elaborately decorated, invariably in pink with bridesmaids roses. There is a brides' cake, lady cake, and there are favors in the cake and mottos, and altogether it is a lovely party. In New York, there is nothing like that at all. If the bride chooses to give a luncheon to her bridesmaids on whatever day suits her best, there is no objection to her doing so, or, in fact, to her inviting whom she pleases to whatever sort of a party her mother is willing she should give. It is not a question of approved etiquette, but of her own inclination, seconded by the consent of her mother. If her mother keeps open house, probably they lunch with her many times before the wedding. If, on the other hand, it is not the habit of the family to have people running in for meals, it is not necessary that she ask them to lunch at all. But whether they lunch often or never, the chances are that they are in and out of her house every day, looking at new presents as they come, perhaps helping her to write the descriptions in the gift book, and in arranging them in the room where they are to be displayed. The bride usually goes to oversee the last fittings of the bridesmaids' dresses in order to be sure that they are as she wants them. This final trying-on should be arranged for several days at least before the wedding, so there may be sufficient time to make any alterations that are found necessary. Often the bride tries on her wedding dress at the same time, so that she may see the effect of the whole wedding picture as it will be, or if she prefers, she tries on her dress at another hour alone. Usually her bridesmaids lunch quite informally with her, or come in for tea the day before the wedding, and on that day the bride gives them each her present, which is always something to wear. It may be the muffs they are to carry, or parasols if they have been chosen instead of bouquets. The typical bridesmaids present is a bangle, a breastpin, a hatpin, which, according to the means of the bride, may have great or scarcely any intrinsic value. Bridesmaids and Usher's Dinner If a wedding is being held in the country, or where most of the bridesmaids or ushers come from a distance, and they are, therefore, stopping at the bride's house or with her neighbors, there is naturally a dinner in order to provide for the visitors. But where the wedding is in the city, especially when all the members of the bridal party live there also, the custom of giving a dinner has gone rather out of fashion. If the bridal party is asked to dine at the house of the bride on the evening before the wedding, it is usually with the purpose of gathering a generally irresponsible group of young people together, and seeing that they go to the church for rehearsal, which is, of all things, the most important. More often the rehearsal is in the afternoon, after which the young people go to the bride's house for tea, allowing her parents to have her to themselves on her last evening home, and giving her a chance to go to bed early so as to be as pretty as possible on the morrow. The Bachelor Dinner Popularly supposed to have been a frightful orgy, and now arid is the Sahara Desert and quite as flat and dreary, the bachelor dinner was in truth more often than not a sheep in wolf's clothing. It is quite true that certain big clubs and restaurants had rooms especially constructed for the purpose, with walls of stone and nothing breakable within hitting distance, which certainly does rather suggest frightfulness. As a matter of fact, an orgy was never looked upon with favour by any but silly and wholly misguided youths, whose idea of a howling good time was to make a howling noise, chiefly by singing at the top of their lungs and breaking crockery. A boisterous picture, but scarcely a vicious one, especially as quantities of the cheapest glassware and crockery were always there for the purpose. The breaking habit originated with drinking the bride's health and breaking the stem of the wine glass so that it might never serve a less honourable purpose. A perfectly high-minded sentiment, and this same time-honoured custom is followed to this day. Toward the latter end of the dinner the groom rises, and holding a filled champagne glass aloft says, to the bride. Every man rises, drinks the toast standing, and then brings the delicate stem of the glass. The impulse to break more glass is natural to youth, and probably still occurs. It is not hard to understand. The same impulse is seen at every county fair where enthusiastic youths and men delight in shooting or throwing balls at clay pipes and ducks and crockery. Aside from toasting the bride and its glass-smashing result, the groom's farewell dinner is exactly like any other man's dinner. The details depending upon the extravagance or the frugality of the host, and upon whether his particular friends are state citizens of sober years or mere boys full of the exuberance of youth. Normally there is music of some sort, or Neapolitan's or Coon's who sing, or two or three instrumental pieces, and the dinner party itself does the singing. Often the dinner is short and all go to the theater. Gifts presented to ushers The groom's presents to his ushers are always put at their places at the bachelor dinner. Cuff links are the most popular gift. Scarf pins in localities where they are still fashionable. Silver or gold pencils, belt buckles, key rings in gold, key chains in silver, cigarette cases, billfolders, card cases, and other small and personal articles are suitable. The present to the best man is approximately the same, or slightly handsomer than the gift to the ushers. The rehearsal The bride always directs her wedding rehearsal, but never herself takes part in it as it is supposed to be bad luck. Anyone else, anyone who happens to be present, is appointed under study. Nearly always a few special friends happen in, generally those who are primed with advice as to how everything should be done, but the opinion of the bride or of the bride's mother is final. Vital Importance of Rehearsal Most of us are familiar with the wedding service, and its forms seem simple enough. But unless one has by experience learned to take care of seemingly non-existent details, the effect, although few may be able to say why, is hitchy and disjointed, and all the effort spent in preparation is wasted. It is not that gauch happenings are serious offenses, no matter how awkward the incident. Even were the wedding party to get hopelessly entangled, no crime would have been committed. With any detail that destroys the smoothness of the general impression is fatal to dignity, and dignity is the qualification necessary above all else in ceremonial observances. How the Procession is Drilled The organist must always be at the rehearsal, as one of the most important details is marking the time of the wedding march. Witnesses of most weddings can scarcely imagine that a wedding march is a march at all. More often than not, the heads of ushers and bridesmaids bob up and down like something boiling in a pan. A perfectly drilled wedding procession, like a military one, should move forward in perfect step, rising and falling in a block or unit. To secure perfection of detail, the bars of the processional may be counted so that the music comes to an end at precisely the moment the bride and groom stand side by side at the chancel steps. This is not difficult. It merely takes time and attention. A wedding rehearsal should proceed as follows. First of all, it is necessary to determine the exact speed at which the march is to be played. The ushers are asked to try it out. They line up at the door, walk forward two and two. The audience, consisting of the bride and her mother and the bridesmaids, decides whether the pace looks well. It must not be fast enough to look brisk or so slow as to be funerial. At one wedding, the ushers counted two beats as one, and the pace was so slow that they all wobbled in trying to keep their balance. The painfulness to everyone may be imagined. On the other hand, it is unsuitable to trot up the aisle of a church. The audience, having decided the speed and the organist having noted the tempo, the entire procession, including the bridesmaids and a substitute instead of the real bride, on her father's arm, go out into the vestibule and make their entry. Remember, the father is an important factor in the ceremony and must take part in the rehearsal. The procession is arranged according to height. The two shortest ushers leading, unless others of nearly the same height, are meant to be more accurate pacemakers. The bridesmaids come directly after the ushers, two and two, also according to height, the shortest in the lead. After the bridesmaids, the maid or matron of honor walks alone. Our girls come next, if there are any, and last of all, the understudy bride leaning on the arm of the father, with pages, if she has any, holding up her train. Each pair in the procession follows the two directly in front by four paces or beats of time. In the vestibule, everyone in the procession must pay attention to the feet directly in front. The pacemakers can follow the army sergeant's example and say very softly, left, left. At the end, the bride counts eight beats before she and her father put left foot forward. The whole trick is starting. After that, they just walk naturally to the beat of the music, but keeping the ones in front as nearly as possible at the same distance. At the foot of the chancel, the ushers divide. In a small church, the first two go up the chancel steps and stand at the top, one on the right, the other on the left. The second two go to a step or two below the first. If there are more, they stand below again. Chock marks may be made on the chancel floor if necessary, but it ought not to be difficult except for very little children who are flower girls or pages to learn their positions. Or in a big church, they go farther up, some of them lining the steps or all of them in front of the choir stalls. The bridesmaids also delight, divide, half on either side, and always stand in front of the ushers. The maid of honor's place is on the left and the foot of the steps. Exactly opposite the best man. Flower girls and pages are put above or below the bridesmaids wherever it is thought the picture is best. The grouping of the ushers and bridesmaids in the chancel or lining the steps also depends upon their number and the size of the church. In any event, the bridesmaids stand in front of the ushers, half of them on the right and half on the left. They never stand all on the brideside and the ushers on the grooms. Entrance of the bridegroom The clergyman who is to perform the marriage comes into the chancel from the vestry. At a few paces behind him follows the groom, who in turn is followed by the best man. The groom stops at the foot of the chancel steps and takes his place at the right, as indicated in the accompanying diagram. His best man stands directly behind him. The ushers and bridesmaids always pass in front of him and take their places as noted above. When the bride approaches, the groom takes only a step to meet her. A more effective greeting of the bride is possible if the door of the vestry opens into the chancel so that on following the clergyman, the groom finds himself at the top instead of the foot of the chancel steps. He goes forward to the right-hand side, his left, his best man behind him, and waits where he is until his bride approaches, when he goes down the steps to meet her, which is perhaps more gallant than to stand at the head of the aisle and wait for her to join him. The real bride watches carefully how the pseudo-bride takes her left hand from her father's arm, shifts her fan or whatever represents her bouquet from her right hand to her left and gives her right hand to the groom. In the proper maneuver, the groom takes her right hand in his own right hand and draws it through his left arm, at the same time turning toward the chancel steps. If the service is undivided and all of it is to be at the altar, this is necessary as the bride always goes up to the altar leaning on the arm of the groom. If however the betrothal is to be read at the foot of the chancel, which is done at most weddings now, he may merely take her hand in his left one and stand as they are. The Organist's Cue The organist stops at the moment the bride and groom have assumed their places. That is the cue to the organist as to the number of bars necessary for the procession. After the procession has practiced marching two or three times, everything ought to be perfect. The organist, having counted up the necessary bars of music, can readily give the leading ushers their music cue so that they can start on the measure that will allow the procession and the organ to end together. The organist can, and usually does, stop off short, but there is a better finish if the bride's giving her hand to the groom and taking the last step that brings her in front of the chancel is timed so as to fall precisely on the last bars of the processional. No words of the service are ever rehearsed, although all the positions to be taken are practiced. The pseudo bride takes the groom's left arm and goes slowly up the steps to the altar. The best man follows behind and to the right of the groom, and the maid of honor, or first bridesmaid, leaves her companions and advances behind and to the left of the bride. The pseudo bride, in pantomime, gives her bokeh to the maid of honor. The best man, also in pantomime, hands the ring to the groom. This is merely to see that they are at a convenient distance for the services they are to perform. The processional is played and the procession goes out in reversed order. Bride and groom first, then bridesmaids, then ushers, again all taking pains to fall into step with the leaders. On no account must the bridesmaids ever walk up or down the aisle with the ushers. Once in a while, the maid of honor takes the arm of the best man and together they follow the bride and groom out of the church, but it gives the impression of a double wedding and spoils the picture. Obligations of the bridegroom In order that the first days of their life together may be as perfect as possible, the groom must make preparations for the wedding trip long ahead of time so that best accommodations can be reserved. If they are to stop first at a hotel in their own city or one nearby, he should go days or even weeks in advance and personally select the rooms. It is much better, frankly, to tell the proprietor or room clerk at the same time, asking him to keep the secret. Then takes a friendly interest in a bridal couple and the chances are that the proprietor will try to reserve the prettiest rooms in the house and give the best service. If their first stop is to be at a distance, then he must engage train seats or boat stateroom and write to the hotel of their destination far enough in advance to receive a written reply so that he may be sure of the accommodations they will find. Expense of the wedding trip Just as it is contrary to all laws of etiquette for the bride to accept any part of her trousseau or wedding reception from the groom, so it is unthinkable for the bride to defray the least fraction of the cost of the wedding journey no matter though she have millions in her own right and he be earning ten dollars a week. He must save up his ten dollars as long as necessary and the trip can be as short as they like, but convention has no rule more rigid than the wedding trip shall be a responsibility of the groom. There are two modifications of this rule. A house may be put at their disposal by a member of her family or if she is a widow they may go to one of her own provided is not one occupied by her with her late husband. It is also quite all right for them to go away in a motor belonging to her but driven by him and all garage expenses belong to him or if her father or other member of the family offers the use of a yacht or private wheel, the groom may accept but he should remember that the incidental and unavoidable expense of such a gift is sometimes greater than the cost of railway tickets. Buying the wedding ring It is quite usual for the bride to go with the groom when he buys the wedding ring, the reason being that as it stays for life on her finger she should be allowed to choose the width and weight she likes and the size she finds comfortable. The groom's present to the bride He is a very exceptional and enviable man who is financially able to take his fiancee to the jewelers and let her choose what she fancies. Usually the groom buys the handsomest ornament he can afford, a string of pearls if he has great wealth or a diamond pendant, brooch, or bracelet or perhaps only the simplest bangle or charm. But whether it is of great or little worth it must be something for her personal adornment. Further Obligations of the Groom Gifts must be provided for his best man and ushers as well as their ties, gloves, and boutonniers, a bouquet for his bride and the fifa the clergyman which may be a ten dollar gold piece or one or two new one hundred dollar bills according to his wealth and the importance of the wedding. Whatever the amount it is enclosed in an envelope and taken in charge by the best man who hands it to the clergyman in his vestry room immediately after the ceremony. CHAPTER XXI. OF EDICATE. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Sarah Jennings. In any event, he takes the groom in charge precisely as might a guardian. He takes note of his patient's general condition. If he is normal and fit, so much the better. If he is up in the air or nervous, the best man must bring him to earth and jolly him along as best he can. BEST MAN AS EXPRESSMAN. His first actual duty is that of packer and expressman. He must see that everything necessary for the journey is packed and that the groom does not absentmindedly put the furnishings of his room in his valise and leave his belongings hanging in the closet. He must see that the clothes the groom is to wear away are put into a special bag to be taken to the house of the bride, where he as well as she must change from wedding into travelling clothes. The best man becomes expressman if the first stage of the wedding journey is to be to a hotel in town. He puts all the groom's luggage into his own car or a taxi, drives to the bride's house, carries the bag with the groom's travelling suit in it to the room set aside for his use, usually the dressing room of the bride's father or the bedroom of her brother. He then collects, according to prearrangement, the luggage of the bride and drives with the entire equipment of both bride and groom to the hotel where rooms have already been engaged, sees it all into the rooms and makes sure that everything is as it should be. If he is very thoughtful he may himself put flowers about the rooms. He also registers for the newlyweds, takes the room key, returns to the house of the groom, gives him the key, and assures him that everything at the hotel is in readiness. This manoeuvre allows the young couple when they arrive to go quietly to their rooms, without attracting the notice of anyone, as would be the case if they arrived with baggage, and were conspicuously shown the way by a bellboy whose manner unmistakably proclaims bride and groom. Or if they are going at once by boat or train, the best man takes the baggage to the station, checks the large pieces, and fees a porter to see that the hand luggage is put in the proper state room or parlor car-chairs. If they are going by automobile, he takes the luggage out to the garage, and personally sees that it is bestowed in the car. Best man as valet. His next duty is that of valet. He must see that the groom is dressed and ready early, and plaster him up if he cuts himself shaving. If he is wise in his day he even provides a small bottle of adrenaline for just such an accident, so that plaster is unnecessary, and that the groom may be whole. He may need to find his collar button, or even to point out the missing clothes that are lying in full view. He must also be sure to ask for the wedding ring and the clergyman's fee, and put them in his own waistcoat pocket. A very careful best man carries a duplicate ring, in case of one being lost during the ceremony. Best man as companion in ordinary. With the brides and groom's luggage properly bestowed, the ring and fee in his pocket, the groom's traveling clothes at the bride's house, the groom in complete wedding attire, and himself also ready, the best man has nothing further to do but be gentleman and waiting to the groom, until it is time to escort him to the church, where he becomes chief of staff. At the house of the bride. Meanwhile, if the wedding is to be at noon, Dawn will not have much more than broken before the house, at least below stairs, becomes bustling. Even if the wedding is to be four o'clock, it will still be early in the morning when the business of the day begins. But let us suppose it is to be at noon. If the family is one that is used to assembling at an early breakfast table, it is probable that the bride herself will come down for this last meal along with her family. They will, however, not be allowed to linger long at the table. The caterer will already be clamouring for possession of the dining room. The florist will by that time have heaped dumps of wire and greens into the middle of the drawing room, if not beside the table where the family are still communing with their eggs. The doorbell has long ago begun to ring. At first there are telegrams and special delivery letters. Then as soon as the shops open come the last moment, wedding presents, notes, messages, and the insistent clamour of the telephone. Next excited voices in the hall announce members of the family who come from a distance. They all want to kiss the bride, they all want rooms to dress in, they all want to talk. Also comes the hairdresser to do the brides or her mothers or aunts or grandmothers' hair, or all of them, the manicure, the masseuse, anyone else that may have been thought necessary to give final beautifying touches to any or all of the female members of the household. The dozen in one articles from the caterer are meantime being carried in at the basement door. Made dishes and dishes in the making, raw materials of which others are to be made, folding chairs, small tables, chinaware, glassware, napery, knives, forks, and spoons, it is a struggle to get in or out of the kitchen or area door. The bride's mother consults the florist for the third and last time as to whether the bridal couple had not better receive in the library because of the bay window which lends itself easily to the decoration of a background, and because the room is, if anything, larger than the drawing room. And for the third time the florist agrees about the advantage of the window, but points out that the library has only one narrow door and that the drawing room is much better because it has two wide ones, and guests going into the room will not be blocked in the doorway by others coming out. The best man turns up and wants the bride's luggage. The head usher comes to ask whether the Joneses to be seated in the fourth pew are the tall dark ones or the blonde ones, and whether he had not better put some of the tithering tins who belong in the eighth pew also in the seventh, as there are nine tithering tins, and the eminence in the seventh pew are only four. A bridesmaid elect hurries up the steps, runs into the best man carrying out the luggage, much conversation and giggling and guessing as to where the luggage is going. Best man, very important, also very noble and silent. Bridesmaid shrugs her shoulders, dashes up to the bride's room, and dashes down again. Her presence arrive. The furniture movers have come and are carting lumps of heaviness up the stairs to the attic and down the stairs to the cellar. It is all very like an anthill. Some are steadily going forward with the business in hand, but others who have become quite bewildered seem to be scurrying aimlessly this way and that, picking something up only to put it down again. The drawing room. Here where the bride and groom are to receive, one cannot tell yet what the decoration is to be. Perhaps it is a hedged in garden scene, a palm grove, a flowering recess, a screen and canopy of wedding bells, but a bower of foliage of some sort has gradually taken shape. The dining room. The dining room, too, blossoms with plants and flowers. Perhaps its space and that of a tent adjoining is filled with little tables, or perhaps a single row of camp chairs stands flat against the walls. And in the center of the room, the dining table pulled out to its furthest extent is being decked with trimmings and utensils which will be needed later when the spaces left at intervals for various dishes shall be occupied. Preparation of these dishes is, meanwhile, going on in the kitchen. The kitchen. The caterer's chefs in white cooks, caps and aprons are in possession of the situation, and their assistants run here and there bringing ingredients as they are told. Or perhaps the caterer brings everything already prepared, in which case the waiters are busy unpacking the big tin boxes and placing the bain-marie, a sort of fireless cooker receptacle in a tank of hot water, from which the hot food is to be served. Huge tubs of cracked ice in which the ice cream containers are buried are already standing in the shade of the areaway or in the backyard. Last preparations. Back again in the drawing room, the florist and his assistants are still tying and tacking and arranging and adjusting branches and garlands and sheaves and bunches, and the florist's litter of twigs and strings and broken branches. The photographer is asking that the central decoration be finished so he can group his pictures. The florist assures him that he is as busy as possible. The house is as cold as open windows can make it, to keep the flowers fresh and to avoid stuffiness. The doorbell continues its ringing and the parlor maid finds herself a contestant in a marathon until someone decides that card envelopes and telegrams had better be left in the front hall. A first bridesmaid arrives. She at least is on time. All decoration activity stops while she is looked at and admired. Panic seizes someone. The time is too short. Nothing will be ready. Someone else says the bridesmaid is far too early. There is no end of time. Upstairs everyone is still dressing. The father of the bride, one would suppose him to be the bridegroom at least, is trying on most of his shirts, the floor strewn with discarded collars. The mother of the bride is hurrying into her wedding array so as to be ready for any emergency, as well as to superintend the finishing touches to her daughter's dress and veil. The wedding dress. Everyone knows what a wedding dress is like. It may be of any white material, satin, brocade, velvet, chiffon, or entirely of lace. It may be embroidered in pearls, crystals or silver, or it may be as plain as a slip cover, anything in fact that the bride fancies and made in whatever fashion or period she may choose. As for her veil and its combination of lace or tull and orange blossoms, perhaps it is copied from a headdress of Egypt or China, or from the severe drapery of Rebecca herself, or proclaim the knowing touch of the roue de la paix. It may have a cap like that of a lady in a French print, or fallen clouds of tull from under little wreath, such as might be worn by a child queen of the may. The origin of the bridal veil is an unsettled question. Roman brides were yellow veils, and veils were used in the ancient Hebrew marriage ceremony. The veil as we use it may be a substitute for the flowing tresses which in old times felt like a mantle, modestly concealing the bride's face and form, or it may be an amplification of the veil which medieval fashion added to every headdress. In olden days the garland rather than the veil seems to have been of greatest importance. The garland was the coronet of the good girl, and her right to wear it was her inalienable attribute of virtue. Very old books speak of three ornaments that every virtuous bride must wear. A ring on her finger, a brooch on her breast, and a garland on her head. A bride who had no dowry of gold was said nevertheless to bring her husband great treasure if she brought him a garland, in other words, a virtuous wife. At present the veil is usually mounted by a milliner on a maid foundation so that it need merely be put on. But every young girl has an idea of how she personally wants her wedding veil and may choose rather to put it together herself or have it done by some particular friend whose taste and skill she especially admires. If she chooses to wear a veil over her face, up the aisle, and during the ceremony, the front veil is always a short, separate piece, about a yard square, gathered on an invisible band, and pinned with a hairpin at either side. After the long veil is arranged. It is taken off by the Maid of Honor when she gives back the bride's bouquet at the conclusion of the ceremony. The face veil is a rather old-fashioned custom and is appropriate only for a very young bride of a demure type, the tradition being that a maiden is too shy to face a congregation unveiled and shows her face only when she is a married woman. Some brides prefer to remove their left glove by merely pulling it inside out at the altar. Usually the underseam of the wedding finger for glove is ripped for about two inches, and she need only pull the tip off to have the ring put on. Or if the wedding is a small one, she wears no gloves at all. Brides have been known to choose colors other than white. Cloth of silver is quite conventional, and so is very deep cream. But cloth of gold suggests the hibbilliment of a widow rather than that of a virgin maid, of which the white and orange blossoms, or myrtle leaf, are the emblems. If a bride chooses to be married in a travelling dress, she has no bridesmaids, though she often has a maid of honour. A travelling dress is either a tailor-made, if she is going directly on a boat or train, or a morning or afternoon dress, whatever she would wear away after a big wedding. But to return to our particular bride, everyone seemingly is in her room, her mother, her grandmother, three aunts, two cousins, three bridesmaids, four small children, two friends, her maid, the dressmaker, and an assistant. Every little while the parlor maid brings a message or a package. Her father comes in and goes out at regular intervals in cheer nervousness. The rest of the bridesmaids gradually appear and distract the attention of the audience so that the bride has moments of being allowed to dress undisturbed. At last even her veil is adjusted, and all present gasp their approval. How sweet! Dearest, you are too lovely, and darling, how wonderful you look! Her father reappears. If you are going to have the pictures taken, you had better all worry. Oh, Mary, shouts someone, what have you on that is something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue, and a lucky sixpence in your shoe? Let me see, says the bride. Old, I have old lace, new, I have lots of new, borrowed and blue. A chorus of voices, where my ring, where my pin, where mine, it's blue. And someone's pin, which has a blue stone in it, is fastened on under the trimming of her dress, and serves both needs. If the lucky sixpence, a dime will do, is produced, she must at least pay discomfort for her luck. Again someone suggests that the photographer is waiting, and time is short. Having pictures taken before the ceremony is a dull custom, because it is tiring to sit for one's photograph at best, and to attempt anything so delaying as posing at the moment when the procession ought to be starting, is as trying to the nerves as it is exhausting, and more than one wedding procession has consisted of very dragged out young women in consequence. At a country wedding it is very easy to take the pictures out on the lawn at the end of the reception, and just before the bride goes to dress. Sometimes in a townhouse they are taken in an upstairs room at the same hour, but usually the bride is dressed, and her bridesmaids arrive at her house fully half an hour before the time necessary to leave for the church, and pictures of the group are taken, as well as several of the bride alone, with special lights, against the background where she will stand and receive. Procession to church. Whether the pictures are taken before the wedding or after, the bridesmaids always meet at the house of the bride, where they also receive their bouquets. When it is time to go to the church there are several carriages or motors drawn up at the house. The bride's mother drives away in the first, usually alone, or she may if she chooses take one or two bridesmaids in her car, but she must reserve room for her husband who will return from church with her. The maid of honour, bridesmaids and flower girls go in the next vehicles, which may be their own or else are supplied by the bride's family. And last of all comes the bride's carriage, which always has a wedding appearance. If it is a brugam, the horse's headpieces are decorated with white flowers and the coachman wears a white boutonniere. If it is a motor, the chauffeur wears a small bunch of white flowers on his coat and white gloves and has all the tires painted white to give the car a wedding appearance. The bride drives to the church with her father only. Her carriage arrives last of the procession and stands without moving in front of the awning until she and her husband, in place of her father, return from the ceremony and drive back to the house for the breakfast or reception. If she has no father, this part is taken by an uncle, a brother, a cousin, her guardian, or other close male connection of her family. If it should happen that the bride has neither father nor very near male relative or guardian, she walks up the aisle alone. At the point in the ceremony when the clergyman asks who gives the bride, if the betrothal is read at the chancell steps, her mother goes forward and performs the office in exactly the same way that her father would have done. If the entire ceremony is at the altar, the mother merely stays where she is standing in her proper place at the end of the first pew on the left and says very distinctly, I do. At the church, meanwhile, about an hour before the time for the ceremony, the ushers arrive at the church and the sexton turns his guardianship over to them. They leave their hats in the vestry or coat room. Their boutonniers, sent by the groom, should be waiting in the vestibule. They should be in charge of a boy from the florists who has nothing else on his mind but to see that they are there, that they are fresh and that the ushers get them. Each man puts one in his buttonhole and also puts on his gloves. The head usher decides, or the groom has already told them, to which ushers are a portion to the center and to which the side aisles. If it is a big church with side aisles and gallery, and there are only six ushers, four will be put in the center aisle and two on the side. Guests who choose to sit up in the gallery find places for themselves. Often at a big wedding, the sexton or one of the assistants guards the entrance to the gallery and admission is reserved by cards for the employees of both families, but usually the gallery is open for those who care to go up. An usher whose place is in the side aisle may escort occasional personal friends of his own down the center aisle if he happens to be unoccupied at the moment of their entrance. Those of the ushers who are most likely to recognize the various close friends and members of each family are invariably detailed to the center aisle. A brother of the bride, for instance, is always chosen for this aisle because he is best fitted to look out for his own relatives and to place them according to their near or distant kinship. A second usher should be either a brother of the groom or a near relative who would be able to recognize the family and close friends of the groom. The first six to twenty pews on both sides of the center aisle are fenced off with white ribbons into a reserved enclosure. The parents of the bride always sit in the first pew on the left, facing the chancel. The parents of the groom always sit in the first pew on the right. The right-hand side of the church is the groom's side always. The left is that of the bride. Seating the guests. It is the duty of the ushers to show all guests to their places. An usher offers his arm to each lady as she arrives, whether he knows her personally or not. If the vestibule is very crowded and several ladies are together, he sometimes gives his arm to the older and asks the others to follow. But this is not done unless the crowd is great and the time short. If the usher thinks a guest belongs in front of the ribbons, though she fails to present her card, he always asks at once, have you a pew number? If she has, he then shows her to her place. If she has none, he asks whether she prefers to sit on the bride's side or the groom's side and gives her the best seat vacant in the unreserved part of the church. He generally makes a few polite comments as he takes her up the aisle, such as, I am sorry you came late. All the good seats are taken further up. Or, isn't it lucky they have such a beautiful day? Or, too bad it is raining. Or perhaps the lady is first in making a similar remark or two to him. Whatever conversation there is is carried on in a low voice, not, however, whispered or solemn. The deportment of the ushers should be natural but at the same time dignified and quiet in consideration of the fact that they are in a church. They must not trot up and down the aisles in a bustling manner, yet they must be fairly agile as the vestibule is packed with guests who have all to be seated as expeditiously as possible. The guests without reserved cards should arrive first in order to find good places. Then come the reserved seat guests and lastly the immediate members of the families who all have a special places in the front pews held for them. It is not customary for one who is in deep mourning to go to a wedding but there can be little criticism of an intimate friend who takes a place in the gallery of the church from which she can see the ceremony and yet be apart from the wedding guests. At a wedding that is necessarily small because of mourning, the women of the family usually lay aside black for that one occasion and wear white. In front of the ribbons. There are two ways in which people in front of the ribbons are seated. The less efficient way is by means of a typewritten list of those for whom seats are reserved and of the pews in which they are to be seated given to each usher who has read it over for each guest who arrives at the church. From every point of view the typewritten list is bad. First it wastes time and as everyone arrives at the same moment and every lady is supposed to be taken personally up the aisle on the arm of an usher, the time consumed while each usher looks up each name on several gradually rumpling and tearing sheets of paper is easily imagined. Besides which, one who is at all intimate with either family cannot help feeling in some degree slighted when on giving one's name the usher looks for it in vain. The second and far better method is to have a pew card sent enclosed with the wedding invitation or an inscribed visiting card sent by other family. A guest who has a card with pew number 12 on it knows and the usher knows exactly where she is to go or if she has a card saying reserved or before the ribbons or any special mark that means in the reserved section but no a special pew the usher puts her in the best position available behind the first two or three numbered rows that are saved for the immediate family and in front of the ribbons marking the reserved enclosure. It is sometimes well for the head usher to ask the bride's mother if she is sure she has allowed enough pews in the reserved section to seat all those with cards. Arranging definite seat numbers has one disadvantage. One pew may have every seat occupied and another may be almost empty. In that case an usher can just before the procession is to form shift a certain few people out of the crowded pews into the others but it would be a breach of etiquette for people to reseat themselves and no one should be seated after the entrance of the bride's mother. The bridegroom waits. Meanwhile, about 15 minutes before the wedding hour the groom and his best man both in morning coats, top hats, suit nears and white buckskin but remember not shining, gloves, walk or drive to the church and enter the side door which leads to the vestry. There they sit or in the clergyman's study until the sexton or an usher comes to say that the bride has arrived. End of chapter 22 part one. Chapter 22 part two of etiquette. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Sara Jennings. Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics and at Home by Emily Post. Chapter 22 part two, The Day of the Wedding. The perfectly managed wedding. At a perfectly managed wedding the bride arrives exactly one minute to give a last comer time to find place after the hour. Two or three servants have been sent to wait in the vestibule to help the bride and bridesmaids off with their wraps and hold them until they are needed after the ceremony. The groom's mother and father also are waiting in the vestibule. As the carriage of the bride's mother drives up an usher goes as quickly as he can to tell the groom and any brothers or sisters of the bride or groom who are not to take part in the wedding procession and have arrived in their mother's carriage are now taken by ushers to their places in the front pews. The moment the entire wedding party is at the church the doors between the vestibule and the church are closed. No one is seated after this except the parents of the young couple. The proper procedure should be carried out with military exactness and is as follows. The groom's mother goes down the aisle on the arm of the head usher and takes her place in the first pew on the right. The groom's father follows alone and takes his place beside her. The same usher returns to the vestibule and immediately escorts the bride's mother. He should then have time to return to the vestibule and take his place in the procession. The beginning of the wedding march should sound just as the usher returns to the head of the aisle. To repeat, no other person should be seated after the mother of the bride. Guests who arrive later must stand in the vestibule or go into the gallery. The sound of the music is also the cue for the clergyman to enter the chancel followed by the groom and his best man. The two latter wear gloves but have left their hats and sticks in the vestibule. The groom stands on the right-hand side at the head of the aisle but if the vestry opens into the chancel, he sometimes stands at the top of the first few steps. He removes his right glove and holds it in his left hand. The best man always remains directly back into the right of the groom and does not remove his glove. Here comes the bride. The description of the procession is given in detail above in the wedding rehearsal section. Starting on the right measure and keeping perfect time, the usher's come two by two, four paces apart. Then the bride's maids, if any, at the same distance, exactly. Then the maid of honour alone. Then the flower girls, if any. Then at a double distance, the bride on her father's right arm. She is dressed always in white with a veil of lace or tull. Usually she carries a bridal bouquet of white flowers, either short or with streamers, narrow ribbons with little bunches of blossoms on the end of each or trailing vines or maybe she holds a long sheaf of stiff flowers such as lilies on her arm or perhaps she carries a prayer book instead of a bouquet. The groom comes forward to meet the bride. As the bride approaches, the groom waits at the foot of the steps unless he comes down the steps to meet her. The bride relinquishes her father's arm, changes her bouquet from her right to her left and gives her right hand to the groom. The groom, taking her hand in his right, puts it through his left arm. Just her fingertips should rest near the bend of his elbow and turns to face the chancell as he does so. It does not matter whether she takes his arm or whether they stand hand in hand at the foot of the chancell in front of the clergyman. Her father gives her away. Her father has remained where she left him, on her left and a step or two behind her. The clergyman stands a step or two above them and reads the betrothal. When he says who giveth this woman to be married, the father goes forward still on her left and halfway between her and the clergyman but not in front of either. The bride turns slightly toward her father and gives him her right hand. The father puts her hand into that of the clergyman and says at the same moment, I do. He then takes his place next to his wife at the end of the first pew on the left. The marriage ceremony. A soloist or the choir then sings while the clergyman slowly ascends to the altar, before which the marriage is performed. The bride and groom follow slowly, the fingers of her right hand on his left arm. The maid of honor or else the bride's maid moves out of line and follows on the left hand side until she stands immediately below the bride. The best man takes the same position exactly on the right behind the groom. At the termination of the anthem, the bride hands her bouquet to the maid of honor or her prayer book to the clergyman and the bride and groom plight their troth. When it is time for the ring, the best man produces it from his pocket. If in the handling from best man to groom to clergyman to groom again and finally to the bride's finger, it should slip and fall. The best man must pick it up if he can without searching. If not, he quietly produces the duplicate, which all careful best men carry in their other waistcoat pocket and the ceremony proceeds. The lost ring or the unused extra one is returned to the jewelers next day. Which ring under the circumstances, the bride keeps, is a question as hard to answer as that of the lady or the tiger. Would she prefer the substitute ring that was actually the one she was married with or the one her husband bought and had marked for her? Or would she prefer not to have a substitute ring and have the whole wedding party on their knees searching? She alone can decide. Fortunately, even if the clergyman is very old and his hand shaky, a substitute is seldom necessary. The wedding ring must not be put above the engagement ring. On her wedding day, a bride either leaves her engagement ring at home when she goes to church or wears it on her right hand. After the ceremony. At the conclusion of the ceremony, the minister congratulates the new couple. The organ begins the recessional. The bride takes her bouquet from the maid of honour who removes the veil if she wore one over her face. She then turns toward her husband, her bouquet in her right hand, and puts her left hand through his right arm and they descend to the steps. The maid of honour handing her own bouquet to a second bridesmaid follows at a short distance after the bride, at the same time stooping and straightening out the long train and veil. The bride and groom go on down the aisle. The best man disappears into the vestry room. At a perfectly conducted wedding, he does not walk down the aisle with the maid of honour. The maid of honour recovers her bouquet and walks alone. If a bridesmaid performs the office of maid of honour, she takes her place among her companion bridesmaids who go next, and the ushers go last. The best man has meanwhile collected the groom's belongings and dashed out of the side entrance and around to the front to give the groom his hat and stick. Sometimes the sexton takes charge of the groom's hat and stick, and hands them to him at the church door as he goes out. But in either case the best man always hurries around to see the bride and groom into their carriage, which has been standing at the entrance to the awning since she and her father elided from it. All the other conveyances are drawn up in the reverse order from that in which they arrived. The bride's carriage leaves first, next come those of the bridesmaids, next the bride's mother and father, next the groom's mother and father, then the nearest members of both families, and finally all the other guests in the order they're being able to find their conveyances. The best man goes back to the vestry, where he gives the fee to the clergyman, collects his own hat and coat if he has one, and goes to the bride's house. As soon as the recessional is over, the ushers hurry back and escort to the door all the ladies who were in the first pews, according to the order of precedence, the bride's mother first, then the groom's mother, then the other occupants of the first pew on either side, then the second and third pews, until all members of the immediate families have left the church. Meanwhile, it is a breach of etiquette for other guests to leave their places. At some weddings, just before the bride's arrival, the ushers run ribbons down the whole length of the center aisle, fencing the congregation in. As soon as the occupants of the first pews have left, the ribbons are removed and all the other guests go out by themselves. The ushers having by that time hurried to the bride's house to make themselves useful at the reception. At the house. An awning makes a covered way from the edge of the curb to the front door. At the lower end, the chauffeur, or one of the caterer's men, stands to open the carriage doors and give return checks to the chauffeurs and their employers. Inside the house, the florist has finished and orchestra is playing in the hall or library. Everything is in perfect order. The bride and groom have taken their places in front of the elaborate setting of flowering plants that has been arranged with them. The bride stands on her husband's right and her bridesmaids are other grouped beyond or else divided half on her side and half on the side of the groom, forming a crescent with the bride and groom in the center. Ushers at the house. At a small wedding, the duty of ushers is personally to take guests up to the bride and groom, but at a big reception where guests outnumber ushers 50 or 100 to one, being personally conducted is an honour accorded only to the very old, the very celebrated, or the ushers own best friends. All the other guests stand in a long congested line by themselves. The bride's mother takes her place somewhere near the entrance of the room and it is for her benefit that her own butler or one furnished by the caterer asks each guest his name and then repeats it aloud. The guests shake hands with the hostess and making some polite remark about the beautiful wedding or lovely bride, continue in line to the bridal pair. Wedding conversation. What do you say in congratulating a bridal couple depends on how well you know one or both of them, but remember it is a breach of good manners to congratulate a bride on having secured a husband. If you are unknown to both of them and in a long queue it is not even necessary to give your name, you merely shake hands with the groom, say a formal word or two such as congratulations, shake hands with the bride, say I wish you every happiness and pass on. If you know them very well, you may say to him, I hope your good luck will stay with you always or I certainly do congratulate you and to her I hope your whole life will be one long happiness. Or if you are much older than she, you look too lovely dear Mary and I hope you will always be as radiant as you look today. Or if you are a woman and a relative or really close friend, you kiss the groom saying all the luck in the world to you dear Jim, she certainly is lovely. Or kissing the bride, Mary darling, every good wish in the world to you. To all the above, the groom and bride merely answer, thank you. A man might say to the groom, good luck to you Jim old man or she is the most lovely thing I've ever seen and to her I hope you will have every happiness or I was just telling Jim how lucky I think he is, I hope you will both be very happy. Or if a very close friend, also kissing the bride, all the happiness you can think of isn't as much as I wish you, Mary dear. But it cannot be too much emphasized that promiscuous kissing among the guests is an offense against good taste. To a relative or old friend of the bride but possibly a stranger to the groom, the bride always introduces her husband saying Jim, this is Aunt Kate or Mrs. Neighbor, you know Jim don't you? Or formally Mrs. Farroway, may I present my husband? The groom on the approach of an old friend of his says, Mary, this is cousin Carrie or Mrs. Denver, do you know Mary? Or hello Steve, let me introduce you to my wife. Mary, this is Steve Michigan. Steve says, how do you do Mrs. Smartlington? And Mary says, of course, I have often heard Jim speak of you. The bride with a good memory thanks each arriving person for the gift center. Thank you so much for the lovely candlesticks or I can't tell you how much I love the dishes. The person who is thanked says, I am so glad you like it or them or I am so glad, I hoped you might find it useful or I didn't have it marked so that in case you have a duplicate, you can change it. Conversation is never a fixed grouping of words that are learned or recited like a part in a play. The above examples are given more to indicate the sort of things people in good society usually say. There is however one rule, do not launch into long conversation or details of yourself, how you feel or look or what happened to you or what you wore when you were married. Your subjectments not deviate from the young couple themselves, their wedding, their future. Also be brief in order not to keep those behind waiting longer than necessary. If you have anything particular to tell them, you can return later when there is no longer a line but even then long conversation especially concerning yourself is out of place. Parents of the groom. The groom's mother always receives either near the bride's mother or else continuing the line beyond the bride's maids and it is proper for every guest to shake hands with her too whether they know her or not but it is not necessary to say anything. The bride's father sometimes stands beside his wife but he usually circulates among his guests just as he would at a ball or any other party where he is host. The groom's father is a guest and it is not necessary for strangers to speak to him unless he stands beside his wife and as it were receives but there is no impropriety in anyone telling him how well they know and like his son or his new daughter-in-law. The guests as soon as they have congratulated the bride and groom go out and find themselves places if it is to be a sit-down breakfast at a table. Details of a sit-down breakfast. Unless the house is remarkable in size there is usually a canopy platform built next to the veranda or on the lawn or over the yard of a city house. The entire space is packed with little tables surrounding the big one reserved for the bridal party and at a large breakfast a second table is reserved for the parents of the bride and groom and a few close and especially invited friends. Place cards are not put on any of the small tables. All the guests except the few placed at the two reserved tables sit with whom they like sometimes by pre-arrangement but usually where they happen to find their friends and room. The general sit-down breakfast except in great houses like a few of those in Newport is always furnished by a caterer who brings all the food, tables, chairs, nappery, china and glass as well as the necessary waiters. The butler and footman belonging in the house may assist or oversee or detail themselves to other duties. Small menu cards printed in silver are put on all the tables. Sometimes these cards have the crest of the bride's father embossed at the top but usually the entwined initials of the bride and groom are stamped in silver to match the wedding cake boxes. Example, bouillon, lobster nuburg, suprem of chicken, peas, aspic of foie gras, celery salad, ices, coffee. Instead of bouillon there may be caviar or melon or grapefruit or a puree or clam broth. For lobster nuburg may be soft shell crabs or oyster pâté or other fish or the bouillon may be followed by a dish such as sweet breads and mushrooms or chicken pâté or broiled chicken, a half a chicken for each guest or squab with salad such as whole tomatoes filled with celery or the chicken or squab may be the second course and an aspect with the salad, the third. Individual ices are accompanied by little cakes of assorted variety. They're used always to be champagne. A substitute is at best a poor thing and what the prevailing one is to be is as yet not determined. Orange juice and ginger ale or white grape juice and ginger ale with sugar and mint leaves are two attempts at a satisfying cup that have been offered lately. The brides table. The feature of the wedding breakfast is always the brides table. Placed sometimes in the dining room, sometimes on the verandah or in a room apart, this table is larger and more elaborately decorated than any of the others. There are white garlands or sprays or other arrangements of white flowers and in the center as chief ornament is an elaborately iced wedding cake. On the top of it has a bouquet of white or silver flowers or confectioners quaint dolls representing the bride and groom. The top is usually made like a cover so that when the time comes for the bride to cut it, it is merely lifted off. The bride always cuts the cake, meaning that she inserts the knife and makes one cut through the cake, after which each person cuts himself or herself a slice. If there are two sets of favors hidden in the cake, there is a mark in the icing to distinguish the bridesmaid's side from that of the usher's. Articles, each wrapped in silver foil, have been pushed through the bottom of the cake at intervals. The bridesmaids find a 10 cent piece for riches, a little gold ring for first to be married, a symbol or little parrot or cat for old maid, a wishbone for the luckiest. On the usher's side, a button or dog is for the bachelor, a miniature pair of dice as a symbol of lucky chance in life. The ring and 10 cent piece are the same. If a big piece of the wedding cake is left, the bride's mother has it wrapped in tin foil and put in a sealed tin box and kept for the bride to open on her first anniversary. The evolution of the wedding cake began in ancient Rome, where brides carried wheat ears in their left hands. Later, Anglo-Saxon brides wore the wheat made into chaplets, and gradually the belief developed that a young girl who ate of the grains of wheat which became scattered on the ground would dream of her future husband. The next step was the baking of a thin, dry biscuit which was broken over the bride's head and the crumbs divided amongst the guests. The next step was in making richer cake, then icing it, and the last, instead of having it broken over her head, the bride broke it herself into small pieces for the guests. Later, she cut it with a knife. The table of the bride's parents. The table of the bride's parents differs from other tables in nothing except in its larger size and the place cards for those who have been invited to sit there. The groom's father always sits on the right of the bride's mother and the groom's mother has the place of honor on the host's right. The other places at the table are occupied by distinguished guests who may or may not include the clergyman who performed the ceremony. If a bishop or dean performed the ceremony, he is always included at this table and is placed at the left of the hostess and his wife, if present, sits at the bride's father's left. Otherwise, only especially close friends of the bride's parents are invited to this table. The wedding cake. In addition to the big cake on the bride's table, there are at all weddings near the front door so that the guests may each take one as they go home little individual boxes of wedding cake, black fruit cake. Each box is made of white moire or grass-grain paper embossed in silver with the last initial of the groom intertwined with that of the bride and tied with white satin ribbon. At a sit-down breakfast, the wedding cake boxes are sometimes put one at each place on the tables so that each guest may be sure of receiving one and other thoughtless ones prevented from carrying more than their share away. The standing breakfast or reception. The standing breakfast differs from the sit-down breakfast and service only. Instead of numerous small tables at which the guests are served with a course luncheon, a single long one is set in the dining room. The regular table pulled out to its farthest extent. It is covered with a plain white damask cloth where it may be of embroidered linen and lace insertion. In the center is usually a bowl or vase or other centerpiece of white flowers. On it are piles of plates, stacks of napkins, and rows of spoons and forks at intervals, making four or possibly six piles altogether. Always there are dishes filled with little fancy cakes chosen as much for looks as for taste. There is usually a big urn at one end filled with bouillon and one at the other filled with chocolate or tea. In four evenly spaced places are placed two cold dishes, such as an aspect of chicken or ham, mousse, or a terrine de foie gras or other aspect. The hot dishes may be a boned capon, voluvant of sweet bread and mushrooms, creamed oysters, chicken à la king, chicken croquette, or there may be cold cuts or celery salad in tomato aspect. Whatever the choice may be, there are two or three cold dishes and at least two hot. Whatever there is must be selected with a view to its being easily eaten with a fork while the plate is held in the other hand. There are also rolls and biscuits, pâté de foie gras or lettuce and tomato sandwiches. The former made usually of split dinner rolls with pâté between. Or thin sandwiches rolled like a leaf in which a moth has built a cocoon. Isis are brought in a little later when a number of persons have apparently finished their first course. Ice cream is quite as fashionable as individual ices. It is merely that caterers are less partial to it because it has to be cut. After dinner, coffee is put on a side table as the champagne used to be. From now on, there will probably be a bowl or pictures of something with a lump of ice in it that can be ladled into glasses and become whatever those gifted with imagination may fancy. Unless the wedding is very small, there is always a bride's table decorated exactly as that described for a sit down breakfast and usually placed in the library. But there is no a special table for the bride's mother and her guests or for anyone else. The bridal party eat. By the time the sit down breakfast has reached its second course and the queue of arriving guests has dwindled and melted away, the bride and groom decide that it is time they too go to breakfast. Arm in arm, they lead the way to their own table followed by the ushers and bridesmaids. The bride and groom always sit next to each other, she on his right. The maid of honor or matron is on his left and the best man is on the right of the bride. Around the rest of the table come bridesmaids and ushers alternately. Sometimes one or two others, sisters of the bride or groom or intimate friends who were not included in the wedding party are asked to the table and when there are no bridesmaids this is always the case. The decoration of the table, the service, the food is exactly the same whether the other guests are seated or standing. At dessert the bride cuts the cake and the bridesmaids and ushers find the luck pieces. Dancing at the wedding. On leaving their table the bridal party joined the dancing which by now has begun in the drawing room where the wedding group received. The bride and groom dance at first together and then each with bridesmaids or ushers or other guests. Sometimes they linger so long that those who had intended staying for the going away grow weary and leave which is often exactly what the young couple want. Unless they have to catch a train they always stay until the crowd thins before going to dress for their journey. At last the bride signals to her bridesmaids and leaves the room. They all gather at the foot of the stairs about halfway to the upper landing as she goes up. She throws her bouquet and they all try to catch it. The one to whom it falls is supposed to be the next married. If she has no bridesmaids she sometimes collects a group of other young girls and throws her bouquet to them. End of chapter 22 part two. Chapter 22 part three of etiquette. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Sarah Jennings. Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics and at Home by Emily Post. Chapter 22 part three. The Day of the Wedding. Into Traveling Clothes. The bride goes up to the room that has always been hers followed by her mother, sisters and bridesmaids who stay with her while she changes into her traveling clothes. A few minutes after the bride has gone upstairs the groom goes to the room reserved for him and changes into the ordinary sack suit which the best man has taken there for him before the ceremony. He does not wear his top hat nor his wedding boutonniere. The groom's clothes should be apparently new but need not actually be so. The bride's clothes on the other hand are always brand new every article that she has on. The Going Away Dress. A bride necessarily chooses her going away dress according to the journey she is to make. If she is starting off in an open motor she wears a suitably small motor hat and a wrap of some sort over whatever dress or suit she chooses. If she is going on a train or boat she wears a traveling dress such as she would choose under ordinary circumstances. If she is going to a nearby hotel or a country house put at her disposal she wears the sort of dress and hat suitable to town or country occasion. She should not dress as though about to join a circus parade or the ornaments on a Christmas tree unless she wants to be stared at and commented upon in a way that no one of good breeding can endure. The average bride and groom of good taste and feeling try to be as inconspicuous as possible. On one occasion in order to hide the fact that they were bride and groom a young couple went away in their oldest clothes and were very much pleased with their cleverness until pulling out his handkerchief the groom scattered rice all over the floor of the parlor car. The bride's lament after this was why had she not worn her prettiest things. The groom having changed his clothes waits upstairs in the hall generally until the bride emerges from her room in her traveling clothes. All the ushers shake hands with them both. His immediate family as well as hers have gradually collected. Any that are missing must unfailingly be sent for. The bride's mother gives her a last kiss. Her bridesmaids hurry downstairs to have plenty of rice ready and to tell everyone below as they descend they are coming. A passage from the stairway and out the front door all the way to the motor is left free between two rows of eager guests their hands full of rice. Upon the waiting motor the ushers have tied everything they can lay their hands on in the way of white ribbons and shoes and slippers. Here they come. At last the groom appears at the top of the stairs a glimpse of the bride behind him. It surely is running the gauntlet. They seemingly count one, two, three, go with shoulders hunched and collars held tight to their necks they run through shrapnel of rice down the stairs out the hall down the outside steps into the motor slam the door and are off. The wedding guests stand out on the street or roadway looking after them for as long as a vestige can be seen and then gradually disperse. Occasionally young couples think it clever to slip out of the areaway or over the roofs or out of the cellar and across the garden. All this is supposed to be in order to avoid being deluged with rice and having labels of newly wed or large white bows and odd shoes and slippers tied to their luggage. Most brides however agree with their guests that it is decidedly spoil sport to deprive a lot of friends who have only their good luck at heart of the perfectly legitimate enjoyment of throwing emblems of good luck after them. If one white slipper among those thrown after the motor lands right side up on top of it and stays there greatest good fortune is sure to follow through life. There was a time when the going away carriage was always furnished by the groom and this is still the case if it is a hired conveyance but nowadays when nearly everyone has a motor the newly married couple if they have no motor of their own are sure to have one lent them by the family of one of them. Very often they have two motors and are met by a second car at an appointed place into which they change after shaking themselves free of rice. The white ribboned car returns to the house as well as the decorated and labeled luggage which was all empty. Their real luggage having been bestowed safely by the best man that morning in their hotel or boat or train. Or it may be that they choose a novel journey for there is of course no regulation vehicle. They can go off in a limousine, a pony cart, a yacht, a canoe, on horseback or by airplane. Fancy alone limits the mode of travel suggests the destination or directs the etiquette of a honeymoon. Bride's first duty of thought for groom's parents. At the end of the wedding there is one thing the bride must not forget. As soon as she is in her traveling dress she must send a bride's mate or someone out into the hall and ask her husband's parents to come and say goodbye to her. If his parents have not themselves come upstairs to see their son the bride must have them sent for at once. It is very easy for a bride to forget this act of thoughtfulness and for a groom to overlook the fact that he cannot stop to kiss his mother goodbye on his way out of the house. And many a mother seeing her son and new daughter rush past without even a glance from either of them has returned home with an ache in her heart. It sounds improbable, doesn't it? One naturally exclaims, but how stupid of her why didn't she go upstairs? Why didn't her son send for her? Usually she does or he does. But often the groom's parents are strangers and if by temperament they are shy or retiring people they hesitate to go upstairs in an unknown house until they are invited to. So they wait, feeling sure that in good time they will be sent for. Meanwhile the bride forgets and it does not occur to the groom that unless he makes an effort well upstairs there will be no opportunity in the dash down to the carriage to recognize them or anyone. Flippancy versus radiance. A completely beautiful wedding is not merely a combination of wonderful flowers, beautiful clothes, smoothness of detail, delicious food. These, though all necessary, are external attributes. The spirit or soul of it must have something besides and that something is in the behavior and in the expression of the bride and groom. The most beautiful wedding ever imagined could be turned from sacrament to circus by the indecorous behavior of the groom or the flippancy of the bride. She, above all, must not reach up in wigwag signals while she is receiving any more than she must wave to people as she goes up and down the aisle of the church. She must not cling to her husband, stand pigeon-toed or lean against him or the wall or any person or thing. She must not run her arms through his and let her hand flop on the other side. She must not swing her arms as though they were dangling rope. She must not switch herself this way and that nor must she hello or shout. No matter how young or natural and thoughtless she may be, she must, during the ceremony and the short time that she stands beside her husband at the reception, assume that she has dignity. It is not by chance that the phrase happy pair is one of the most trite in our language for happiness, above all, is the interessential that must dominate a perfect wedding. An unhappy-looking bride, an unwilling-looking groom, turns the greatest wedding splendor into sham. Without love it is a sacrament it advisedly entered into and the sight of a tragic-faced bride strikes chill to the heart. The radiance of a truly happy bride is so beautifying that even a plain girl is made pretty and a pretty one divine. There is something glad yet sweet, shy yet triumphant, serious yet radiant. There is no other way to put it. And a happy groom looks first of all protective. He too may have the quality of radiance, but it is different, more directly glad. They both look as though there were sunlight behind their eyes, as though their mouths irresistibly turned to smiles. No other quality of a bride's expression is so beautiful as radiance, that visible proof of perfect happiness, which endears its possessor to all beholders and gives to the simplest little wedding complete beauty. The house wedding. A house wedding involves slightly less expenditure, but has the disadvantage of limiting the number of guests. The ceremony is exactly the same as that in a church, accepting that the procession advances through an aisle of white satin ribbons from the stairs down which the bridal party descends to the improvised altar. A small space near the altar is fenced off for the ribbons for the family. There is a low rail of some sort, back of which the clergyman stands, and something for the bride and groom to kneel on during the prayers of the ceremony. The prayer bench is usually about six or eight inches high and between three or four feet long. At the back of it, an upright on either end supports a crosspiece or altar rail. It could be made in the roughest fashion by any carpenter or amateur, as it is entirely hidden under leaves and flowers. On the kneeling surface of the bench are placed cushions rather than flowers because the ladder stain. All caterers have the necessary standards to which ribbons are tied, like the wires to telegraph poles. The top of each standard is usually decorated with a spray of white flowers. At a house wedding, the bride's mother stands at the door of the drawing room or wherever the ceremony is to be and receives people as they arrive. But the groom's mother merely takes her place near the altar with the rest of the immediate family. The ushers are purely ornamental unless the house is so large that pews have been installed and the guests are seated as in a church. Otherwise, the guests stand wherever they can find places behind the aisle ribbons. Just before the bride's entrance, her mother goes forward and stands in the reserved part of the room. The ushers go up to the top of the stairway. The wedding march begins and the ushers come down two and two followed by the bride's maids exactly as in a church. The bride coming last on her father's arm. The clergyman and the groom and best man have, if possible, reached the altar by another door. If the room has only one door, they go up the aisle a few moments before the bridal procession starts. The chief difference between a church and house wedding is that the bride and groom do not take a single step together. The groom meets her at the point where the service is read. After the ceremony, there is no recessional. The clergyman withdraws and usher removes the prayer bench and the bride and groom nearly turn where they stand and receive the congratulations of their guests unless, of course, the house is so big that they receive in another room. When there is no recessional, the groom always kisses the bride before they turn to receive their guests. It is against all tradition for anyone to kiss her before her husband does. There are seldom many bridal attendants at a house wedding, two to four ushers and one to four bridesmaids, unless the house is an immense one. In the country, a house wedding includes one in a garden with a wedding procession under the trees or tables out in the lawn. A perfect plan for California or other rainless states but difficult to arrange on the Atlantic seaboard where rain is too likely to spoil everything. The wedding in assembly rooms. Those whose houses are very small and yet who wish to have a general reception sometimes give the wedding breakfast in a hotel or assembly rooms. The preparations are identical with those in a private house. The decorations and menu may be lavish or simple. Although it is perfectly good form to hold a wedding reception in a ballroom, a breakfast in a private house, no matter how simple, has greater distinction than the most elaborate collation in a public establishment. Why this is so is hard to determine. It is probably that without a home atmosphere, though it may be a brilliant entertainment, the sentiment is missing. The second marriage. The detail of a spinster's wedding is the same whether she marries a bachelor or a widower. The difference being that a widower does not give a bachelor dinner. The marriage of a widow is the same as that of a maid except she cannot wear white or orange blossoms which are emblems of virginity nor does she have bridesmaids. Usually a widow chooses a very quiet wedding but there is no reason why she should not have a big wedding if she cares to except that somber ushers and a bride in traveling dress were at best a light afternoon one with a hat does not make an effective processional unless she is beautiful enough to compensate for all that is missing. A wedding in very best taste for a widow would be a ceremony in a small church or chapel, a few flowers or palms in the chancel the only decoration and two to four ushers. There are no rib and off seats as only very intimate friends are asked. The bride wears an afternoon street dress and hat. Her dress for a church ceremony should be more conventional than if she were married at home where she could wear a semi-evening gown and substitute a headdress for a hat. She could even wear a veil if it is coloured and does not suggest the bridal white one. A celebrated beauty wore for her second wedding in her own house a dress of gold brocade with a Russian court headdress and a veil of yellow tull down the back. Another wore a dress of gray and a Dutch cap of silver lace and had her little girl in quaint cap and long dress to match her own as maid of honour. A widow has never more than one attendant than most often none. There may be a sit-down breakfast afterwards or the simplest afternoon tea. In any case, the breakfast is if possible at the bride's own house and the bridal pair may either stay where they are and have their guests take leave of them or themselves drive away afterwards. Very intimate friends send presents for a second marriage but general acquaintances are never expected to. Summary of expenses. All the expenses of a wedding belong to the bride's parents. The invitations are issued by them the reception is at their house and the groom's family are little more than ordinary guests. The cost of a wedding varies as much as the cost of anything else that one has or does. A big fashionable wedding can total far up in the thousands and even the simplest entails considerable outlay which can however be modified by those who are capable of doing things themselves instead of employing professional service at every point. The parents of the bride provide one engraved invitations and cards. Two, the service of a professional secretary who compiles a single list from the various ones center addresses the envelopes both inner and outer and closes the proper number of cards, seals, stamps and mails all the invitations. This item can be omitted and the work done by the family. Three, the biggest item of expense, the trousseau of the bride which may consist not alone of wearing apparel of endless variety and lavish detail but household linen of the finest quality priceless in these days and in quantity sufficient for a lifetime or it may consist of the wedding dress and even that of traveling one and one or two others with barest essentials and few accessories. Four, awnings for church and house. This may be omitted at the house in good weather at the church and also in the country. Five, decorations of church and house. Cost can be eliminated by amateurs using garden or field flowers. Six, choir, soloists and organists at church. Choir and soloists are necessary. Seven, orchestra at house. This may mean 50 pieces with two leaders or it may mean a piano, violin and drum or a violin, harp and guitar. Eight, carriages or motors for the bridal party from house to church and back. Nine, the collation which may be the most elaborate sit down luncheon or the simplest afternoon tea. Ten, boxes of wedding cake. Eleven, champagne. Used to be one of the biggest items as a fashionable wedding without plenty of it was unheard of. Perhaps though pocket books may have less relief on account of its omission than would at first seem probable since what is saved on the wine bills made up for on additional food necessary to make the best wine list menu seem other than meager. Twelve, the bride's presents to her bridesmaids. Maybe jewels of value or trinkets of trifling cost. Thirteen, a wedding present to the bride from each member of her family, not counting her true so which is merely part of the wedding. Fourteen, the bride gives a wedding present or a wedding ring or both to the groom if she especially wants to, not necessary or even customary. The groom's expenses are, one, the engagement ring as handsome as he can possibly afford. Two, a wedding present, jewels if he is able, always something for her personal adornment. Three, his bachelor dinner. Four, the marriage license. Five, a personal gift to his best man and each of his ushers. Six, to each of the above he gives their wedding ties, gloves and boutonniers. Seven, the bouquet carried by the bride. In many cities it is said to be the custom for the bride to send boutonniers to the ushers and for the groom to order the bouquets of the bridesmaids. In New York's smart world, the bridesmaids bouquets are looked upon as part of the decorative arrangement, all of which is in the province of the bride's parents. Eight, the wedding ring. Nine, the clergyman's fee. 10, from the moment the bride and groom start off on their wedding trip, all the expenditure becomes his. Wedding anniversaries, one year paper, five years wood, 10 years tin, 15 years crystal, 20 years, China, 25 years, silver, 50 years, gold, 75 years, diamond. Wedding anniversaries are celebrated in any number of ways. The party may be one of two alone or it may be a dance. Most often it is a dinner and occasionally an afternoon tea. In Germany a silver wedding is a very important event and a great celebration is made of it. But in America it is not very good form to ask any but intimate friends and family to an anniversary party, especially as those bidden are supposed to send presents. These need not, however, be of value. In fact, the paper, wooden and tin wedding presents are seldom anything but jokes. Crystal is the earliest that is likely to be taken seriously by the gift-bearers. Silver is always serious and the golden wedding, quite sacred event. Most usually this last occasion is celebrated by a large family dinner to which all the children and grandchildren are bidden or the married couple perhaps choose an afternoon at home and receive their friends and neighbors, who are of course supposed to bring presents made of gold. End of chapter 22, part three. Chapter 23 of etiquette. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Read by Betsy Bush, Marquette, Michigan, April 2007. Etiquette in Society in Business in Politics and at Home, by Emily Post. Chapter 23, Christenings. A child can, of course, be christened without making a festivity of it at all, just as two people can be married with none but the clergymen and two witnesses, but nearly every mother takes this occasion to see her friends and show her baby to them. Invitations to a christening are never formal because none but the family and a very few intimate friends are supposed to be asked. In this day, invitations are nearly all sent over the telephone, except to those who are at a distance or else friends are asked verbally when seen. But it is both correct and polite to write notes, such as, dear Mrs. Kindhart, the baby is to be christened here at home next Sunday at half past four and we hope you and Mr. Kindhart and the children, if they care to, will come. Affectionately Lucy Gilding. If a telephone message is sent, the form is, Mr. and Mrs. Gilding Jr. would like Mr. and Mrs. Norman to come to the baby's christening on Sunday at half past four at their house. Asking the godparents. Before setting the date for the christening, the godmothers, two for a girl and one for a boy and the godfathers, two for a boy and one for a girl, have of course already been chosen. If a godfather or mother, after having given his consent, is abroad or otherwise out of reach at the time of the christening, a proxy takes part in the ceremony instead and without thereby becoming a godfather. Since godparents are always most intimate friends, it is natural to ask them when they come to see the mother and the baby, which they probably do often, or to write them if at a distance. Sometimes they are asked at the same time that the baby's arrival is announced to them, occasionally even before. The Gilding baby, for instance, supposedly sent the following telegram. Mrs. Richard Worldly, great estates. I arrived last night and my mother and father were very glad to see me and I am now eagerly waiting to see you. Your loving godson, Robert Gilding III. But more usually, a godparent at a distance is telegraphed. John Strong, Equitrust, Paris. It's a boy, will you be godfather? Gilding. But in any case, a formally worded request is out of place. Do not write. My husband and I sincerely hope that you will consent to be our son's godmother, et cetera. Anyone so slightly known as this wording implies would not be asked to feel so close a position as that of godmother without great presumption on your part. You must never ask anyone to be a godmother or godfather whom you do not know intimately well, as it is a responsibility not lightly to be undertaken and impossible to refuse. Godparents should, however, be chosen from among friends rather than relatives, since the sole advantage of godparents is that they add to the child's relatives so that if it should be left alone in the world, its godparents become its protectors. But where a child is born with plenty of relatives, who could be called upon for advice and affection and assistance in event of his or her becoming an orphan? Godparents are often chosen from among them. Nothing could be more senseless, however, than choosing grandparents, since the relationship is as close as can be anyway, and the chances that the parents will outlive their own parents make such a choice still more unsuitable. In France, the godmother is considered. Next to the parents and grandparents, the nearest relative a child can have. In some European countries, the queen or another who is above the parents in rank assumes a special protectorate over her godchild. In this instance, the godmother appoints herself. In America, a similar situation cannot very well exist, though on rare occasions an employer volunteers to stand as godfather for an employee's child. Godparents must, of course, give the baby a present, if not before, at least at the christening. The standard gift is a silver mug, a poringer, or a knife, fork, and spoon, marked usually with the baby's name and that of the giver. Robert gilding the third from his godfather, John Strong. Or the presents may be anything else they fancy. In New England, a very rich godfather sometimes gives the baby a bond, which is kept with interest intact until a girl is 18 or a boy 21. Time of christening. In other days of stricter observances, a baby was baptized in the Catholic and high Episcopal church on the first or at least second Sunday after its birth, but today the christening is usually delayed at least until the young mother is up and about again. Often it is put off for months and in some denominations children need not be christened until they are several years old. The most usual age is from two to six months. If the family is very high church or the baby is delicate and its christening therefore takes place when it is only a week or two old, the mother is carried into the drawing room and put on a sofa near the improvised font. She is dressed in a becoming negligee and perhaps a cap and with lace pillows behind her and a cover equally decorative over her feet. The guests in this event are only the family and the fewest possible intimate friends. The christening in church. In arranging for the ceremony, the clergyman of course is consulted in the place and hour arranged. If it is to be in church, it can take place at the close of the regular service on Sunday. But if a good deal is to be made of the christening, a weekday is chosen and an hour when the church is not being otherwise used. The decorations, if any at all, consist of a few palms or some flowering plants grouped around the font and the guests invited for the christening take places in the pews which are nearest to the font, wherever that happens to be. As soon as the clergyman appears, the baby's coat and cap are taken off in any convenient pew, not necessarily the nearest one and the godmother holding the baby in her arms stands directly in front of the clergyman. The other godparents stand beside her and other relatives and friends nearby. The godmother who is holding the baby must be sure to pronounce its name distinctly. In fact, it is a wise precaution if it is a long or an unusual one to show the name printed on a slip of paper to the clergyman beforehand as more than one baby has been given a name not intended for it. And whatever name the clergyman pronounces is fixed for life. The little town girl who was to be called Marian is actually Marianne. As soon as the ceremony is over, the godmother hands the baby back to its nurse who puts on its cap and coat and it is then driven with all its relatives and friends to the house of its parents or grandparents where a lunch or an afternoon tea has been arranged. House christening. Unless forbidden by the church to which the baby's parents belong, the house christening is by far the easier, safer and prettier, easier because the baby does not have to have wraps put on and off and be taken out and brought in. Safer because it is not apt to catch cold and prettier for a dozen reasons. The baby in the first place looks much prettier in a dress that has not been crushed by having a coat put over it and taken off and put on and off again. In the second place, a baby brought down from the nursery without any fussing is generally good whereas one that has been dressed and undressed and taken hither and yawn is apt to be upset and therefore to cry. If it cries in church, it just has to cry. In a house it can be taken into another room and be brought back again after it has been made more comfortable. It is trying to a young mother who is proud of her baby's looks to go to no end of trouble to get exquisite clothes for it and ask all her friends in and then have it look exactly like a tragedy mask carved in a beat. And you can scarcely expect a self-respecting baby who is hauled and mauled and taken to a strange place and handed to a strange person who pours cold water on it not to protest. And alas, it has only one means. The arrangements made for a house christening are something like those made for a house wedding, only much simpler. The drawing room or wherever the ceremony is to be performed is often decorated with pots of pale pink roses or daisies or branches of dogwood or white lilacs. Nothing is prettier than the blossoms of fruit trees if they can be persuaded to keep their petals on or any other spring flowers. In summer there are all the garden flowers. In autumn, cosmos and white chrysanthemums or at any season baby's breath and roses. The font is usually a bowl of silver usually put on a small high table. A white napkin on the table inevitably suggests a restaurant rather than a ritual and is therefore unfortunate. And most people of taste prefer to have the table covered with old church brocade and arrangement of flowers either standing behind or laid upon it so that the stems are toward the center and covered by the base of the bowl. If the clergyman is to wear vestments a room must be put at his disposal. At the hour set for the ceremony the clergyman enters the room first and takes his place at the font. The guests naturally make way forming an open aisle. If not the baby's father or another member of the family clears an aisle. The godmother carries the baby and follows the clergyman. The other two godparents walk behind her and all three stand near the font. At the proper moment the clergyman takes the baby baptizes it and hands it back to the godmother who holds it until the ceremony is over. The christening dress. The christening dress is always especially elaborate and beautiful. Often it is one that was worn by the baby's mother, father or even its grand or great-grandparent. Baby clothes should be as sheer as possible and as soft. The ideal dress is of maul with much or little valenciennes, lace, real and finest hand embroidery. But however much or little it's trimmings it must be exquisite in texture. In fact everything for a baby ought to be handmade. It can be as plain as a charity garment but a fine material and tiny hand stitches. If the baby is very little it is usually laid on a lace trimmed pillow. This lace too must be valenciennes. The godmother or godmothers should wear the sort of clothes that they would wear at an afternoon tea. The godfather or fathers should wear formal afternoon clothes. The other guests wear ordinary afternoon clothes and the mother, unless on the sofa wears a light colored afternoon dress. She should not wear black on this occasion. As soon as the ceremony is performed the clergyman goes to the room that was set apart for him, changes into his ordinary clothes and then returns to the drawing room to be one of the guests at luncheon or tea. The godmother hands the baby to the nurse or maybe to its mother and everyone gathers around to admire it and the party becomes exactly like every informal afternoon tea. The only difference between an ordinary informal tea and a christening is that a feature of the latter is a christening cake and coddle. The christening cake is generally a white lady cake elaborately iced, sometimes with the baby's initials and garlands of pink sugar roses. And although according to cookbooks coddle is a gruel, the actual coddle invariably served at christening's is a hot eggnog drunk out of little punch cups. One is supposed to eat the cake as a sign that one partakes of the baby's hospitality and is therefore its friend and to drink the coddle to its health and prosperity. But by this time the young host or hostess is peacefully asleep in the nursery. End of chapter 23, christening's.