 My name is Carolyn Delaney, I'm the founder and CEO here at Journey Enterprises for a media company on a mission to make recovery from addiction visible because it's important. It saves lives. There are over 26 million of us in recovery and we want those who are still sick and suffering to know that there's a path for them. There's millions of us here on the other side of active addiction and that it's probable that people can and do recover. Our videos share personal intimate stories of what people's journeys were like, going from what it was like to what happened to what it's like now in an effort to let people know that we're here, we care, and that there is a way out. Visible recovery saves lives and we want the world to know that. So if you have a story about recovery and would like to share it, please contact me, Carolyn at recovery-journey.com. I hope you enjoy our video. Have a great day. I grew up in a small town in northern Maine. Growing up in a small town is a big part of my story and I often like to start when I'm sharing about coming from a small town and I remember very clearly as a young girl not feeling a part of where I was, not feeling a part of my own skin and my own body and not feeling comfortable. So in a small town I felt very out of place and partly that is, you know, things going on in my own head, but it also is feeling like there was something more for me in the world, bigger. So my disease really kind of started with feeling really uncomfortable, right? And so much of that is that I wasn't who I was meant to be even as a young girl. So needing to please and to be validated and to be something I wasn't. And I was seeking relief and comfort from a very young age. I didn't understand that. I didn't know what it was, but I knew that I was very uncomfortable and I needed relief somewhere even as a young girl. I remember even as young as eight feeling anger and sadness and not understanding feelings and not having the environment process feelings as a young girl. So I moved away very quickly when I had the opportunity, very quickly, that all of the discomfort and unease that I was experiencing. I didn't understand that there was other people in the world that experienced it. You know, I suffered it alone very much and that's why I really think that it is important to share our stories in a way to break the stigma of what addiction is that was so painful to me, the nightmare of trying to control my need to seek relief and the shame and the guilt that came along with that. You know, I hope that we share these stories so that the person suffering knows that they don't have to do it alone, right? Because for so long I thought I had to do it alone and I had to figure it out. So I moved a lot to seek relief really quickly and you know I saw places where I could drink and use like I wanted to. I surrounded myself in situations where I could drink until 4 a.m. I created this life where no one was holding me accountable. I lived in South Korea for eight years teaching English and South Korea in Seoul is a place where you can drink on a day night until 3, 4 a.m. in the morning. It's a place where it's woven into the fabric of society in a way that I hadn't experienced before and it was a lot of fun. It's really important for me to kind of talk about the confusion of what addiction meant for me because it was, you know, I wore the red lipstick and high heels really well. I thought I was fooling people and I thought I had it figured out. In reality, that's not the case. I don't think I realized it at the time but I desperately wanted someone to hold me accountable, right? I was really lonely and I was in a lot of pain but I also was having a lot of fun. I was surrounded in this environment by people that were drinking along with me. We're drinking a lot but somehow my drinking was another level and I started to realize that I was drinking differently. So it was really confusing because I had to justify it in my mind because I had acquaintances and people around me that were drinking in a way that was similar but I was always the one that would need that extra bit when I got home. It's a progressive disease and I could watch myself progressing and it got a little scarier, little scarier, little scarier and more and more I allowed the dangerous situations that I put myself in became more acceptable. Little by little. I didn't know how to make friends. I didn't know how to make connections without some sort of relief or some sort of substance. I was going to graduate school in London and it progressed to a point where it was way out of my control and drugs became a very important part of my story and that's what kind of brought me to the place of desperation. And it was also one individual holding me accountable and I needed to hear that the world was seeing. So I found a solution in London and I found a 12-step program and I started to hear other men and women and people talking about their experience and I didn't feel so alone and that was huge for me because I'd been suffering alone and trying to figure it out and trying to control it for so long and that's all I could do for a long time was just listen but that was enough that I could just listen and I've learned that recovery is progressive as well. As the years move forward things get easier and things get lighter and new experiences are presented and it's so unexpected and so beautiful. I'm thinking about the viewer who may be watching your video and really feeling the grips of that isolation, that loneliness and hearing in your story that connection is a solution. What specific recommendations would you make for that new person around connection, around addressing their loneliness and their isolation? We're not so unique, right? A lot of our feelings and experiences we feel like we're the only one in the world that's experienced to them. We're all human beings, we're all human beings that kind of experience a range of emotions in very similar ways and connection is as an addict and an alcoholic, connection is really hard for me. I have to work at it because it doesn't come instinctively to me. I would say that you don't have to fix it all today, right? Progress comes in, it comes in little steps and little movements forward. So I do a little something today and it gets a little easier tomorrow. Just call one person today. Just do one thing differently today and it gets easier and we have to start like we talk about like micro habits, right? Little tiny habits. It's the same with connection to making friends does not come easily to me. I have to commit to like just calling one person today when I'm feeling that unease and discomfort and it gets easier, it's easier. When you think about your recovery progression, where are the sources of support that you would consider the most important on your journey? Yeah, that changes kind of month to month and year to year, which has been really beautiful that it evolves. Today it looks like calling a sponsor daily and I work a very rigorous writing program. I write in the mornings. Building a spiritual practice is really important without expectation, right? Just kind of showing up and exercise is really important to me. Having a community in my exercise community is really important and focusing on food and nutrition and taking care of my body is very important for my journey. Just doing little things like that, like reaching out to friends or taking care of body and certainly I go to meetings and I work a 12-step program. It's just so ingrained in all of my life now. What your aspirations were for yourself when you were in active addiction and alcoholism and how they're the same or how they may have evolved since then? So I'm an artist, I'm a theater director and when it was very destructive for me when I was using and drinking. I needed that external validation. There was a whole lot of people pleasing and there's a whole lot of pain that came with that. Today that looks much more gentle. I'm learning to kind of peel away the layers and learn how to be an artist that plays and creates. And my goals are to be present as an artist and that looks like a lot of play and creativity. It certainly looks like not needing to please everyone on the entire planet anymore. I built a strength where I feel like I can take care of myself first and I can honor my desires in a way I didn't know was possible when I was drinking and using. So my goals feel a lot quieter now and a lot more internal. Peace and serenity and joy in my home is the goal now. I certainly still have those goals of a creative career hopefully as I'm working towards it. I wonder is there any one last piece of wisdom that you would want to share? There's so much joy and peace to be found that we're not even able to see when we're in the throes of addiction and we have such a higher purpose that we're not able to see. And we can recover from no matter where we are or what the situations are, recovery is possible. So my name is Elizabeth and I'm calling in from Barrier Island off of the coast of exotic New Jersey. I live on Long Beach Island and I am in New Jersey. I am 52 years old. I have now been in recovery for a solid 28 years. I quit drinking at the age of 24. I became an addictive drinker and drinking always led to other things. So I had an amazing therapist early on that said you don't have to identify yourself as an alcoholic or an addict but you can identify yourself as somebody who's in recovery from the misuse of those things. So I'm a firm believer that my using really stemmed from trauma and an ability to deal with that trauma and not being given any tools to deal with it. So I'm okay with calling myself an alcoholic. I'm okay but I don't know that that's how I identify myself wholly. I identify as somebody in recovery and I don't drink. So beautiful. I started drinking at a very young age. I guess probably the first time I got really intoxicated was probably at the age of 15 maybe even younger. It was a time I grew up in a family that drank. Drinking was just the way it was. We all did it. I was introduced to it long before I even had a problem. I had parents that drank heavily. They were somewhat functional. We drink because or we use drugs because I have that in my story as well. But we do it because it works. It works until it doesn't work. So that's why I and that's I believe that's why I drank. Do I also think there's a gene perhaps? Am I able to prove that? No. So do I really overly concern myself with that? I don't. But I have you know if I'm going to take a guess then absolutely there's a gene that I was probably born with because when I picked up and it worked so well it wasn't something I ever wanted to put down. And then even when I started my own recovery process I couldn't put it down on my own. Through all these years of my recovery I've seen people who can. They get their recovery going. They get a process going through whatever works for them and they just stopped drinking like that. And that was just not possible for me. I had the good girl, bad girl syndrome. So I was a really good girl because I got the grades. I got into the college I wanted to go to. I you know forgive me it was the 80s but I was you know on the cheerleading squad and you know all kinds of like extracurricular activities so that I looked good on the outside because I didn't want anyone to think something was wrong with me. And then you know come nightfall or any opportunity that I had again starting in high school and through college I was off the rails. I was just a blackout drinker. I was at times violent. I got arrested. I spent a little bit of time in jail. If I didn't drink all day which is something I didn't do I was in pain. And so I started counseling. I started working with a therapist. I also removed myself from the south and I moved to New York City immediately upon graduating from college. I got myself to Manhattan. I got a therapist but I continued the good girl, bad girl thing. And I got to the point where I was so disgusted with my behavior and thank God I was in therapy that my therapist said you know she was like did you ever think maybe you have a drinking problem. And I was like kind of thought everybody blacked out. I literally was ignorant. I did not know. I did not know that wasn't normal. She said have you ever checked out a meeting they have a meetings and I didn't even know what that was. Never heard of it. I mean we're talking like on some level I was clueless about health. I just knew that I didn't want to end up in the situations I had been ending up which was waking up places that I didn't know and I didn't know how I got there. I went to my first meeting. It was downtown in Soho. I walked into the basement and there were probably 150 young people there and I was just shocked. And I'm like who are these people. It was every kind of person that I would want to drink with. Every kind of person that I would want to party with. And my first this punk rocker girl came up to me. I mean she was such a badass. She came up to me and she's like you know she was like oh it's your first day and you know how people in 12-step programs are usually pretty friendly to the newcomer. So I was getting a lot of that and that really also threw me because I had never no one I just hadn't experienced people being that open and kind. My experience of getting sober in Manhattan was the most exhilarating exciting brilliant time I ever had in my life. And the community was so strong so you know every time we got together we would then go out and have fun and literally have fun. The meetings were great but it wasn't that that kept me sober. It was the community and the friendships and the the interesting people and the famous people that walked into the rooms and you know the rock stars that I sat next to. That was something I feel super blessed to have experienced. And I never ever drank again. I mean a day at a time. So and those people are still my friends. We worked on our emotional sobriety. My first sponsor said you know wear your recovery like a loose garment. Just don't drink don't do drugs do whatever else you need to do. Be as safe as you can but have fun because that will keep you coming back. And so I have carried that with me these 28 years. I've never stopped having fun and I try to help people find recovery, sustain recovery through the hard work that needs to be done. I don't do anything alone ever. You know I built a business that once I got sober a couple years in you know we're super ambitious. Our alcohol and drugs is such a testament to what's possible for us. When we're so hungry to get obliviated and we figure out how to do that if we transfer that hunger to something constructive. Like literally the world is our oyster. How do you have fun and recovery today? Well I'm not 24. I'm not 27. I'm not 30. And every you know every chunk of time fun was different right for those periods of time. Fun for me now is being home with my family. You know fun for me now is really understanding and immersing myself in the stability and the comfortable cozy life that I've created. I have a 10 year old son I didn't have my first child till I was 42. I didn't get married until you know we got married a few months before we had the baby. I hadn't met my partner my my husband until I was hadn't met him until I was 40. We stand up paddleboard and we surf and we swim like fish you know weather permitting. I love swimming. I love the water. The other thing I really love is I have fun with friends. You know for me having a good laugh with a friend on the phone or in person whatever I have to do to connect and sort of be with them I just I have a great time doing it. I mean those those are a few of the ways I have fun now. I really had I continued down that path. I would probably have died of an overdose. I mean and I was so sad and so depressed and I'm the opposite of that now and I'm the go-to person in my community for people who need help. So I have fun sharing my story and giving hope to people that have none you know or even if I don't give hope I I enjoy being the person that can listen you know. I never felt seen and heard. I never felt seen and heard until I was seen and heard and so I don't take that lightly but I do truly believe that connection is the opposite of addiction and if we can you know hold that space for someone then they they you know I can only speak for myself then I felt connected and I didn't want to be addicted. Is there anything else that you would want to say to that potential viewer? The reason I would drink again or the reason I would use again was always fear based. It was always because of some fear and what I have learned over these years is that fear is a huge liar. It's a lie. So if there's one mantra I would I would put up on my wall it's fear is a liar.