 Use these techniques, these techniques, when it comes to attracting a high-quality man. All right, we're gonna talk about in a moment what a high-quality man is. But I think it's first, it's really important to identify that we are swimming in a sea of dysfunctionality when it comes to human pair bonding, whether they have what's known as an avoidant love attachment style, whether they have what's known as an anxious love attachment style, whether they are what's called a user, people that are only in it for their own reasons, or those what I call a spender. Those are usually broken people that want companionship, connection, and sex, but they're incapable of commitment. Whether you're with a narcissist, whether you're with somebody who has deep unresolved childhood wounds, or they have adult traumas like divorce, we are now swimming in a sea of dysfunctionality if you're a person that's in midlife. Now, I define midlife as after baby making years and before retirement, although this complied to a younger generation as well. So I wanna read something that I wrote for everybody. I said, all of this dysfunctionality is like walking through a minefield. And there's only one solution to walk through these landmines that are in front of you to avoid being the victim of an explosion. What I mean to say being, and I don't like the term victim, but being a victim to the experience of an unhealthy, unhappy, unsatisfying experience. And the answer requires using these three techniques. Now, I'm gonna share it in a moment. Just bear with me for a second because I wanna tell you the story about someone who was recently on one of my YouTube live streams. She entered in as a guest. And for this illustration, we'll call her Sherry. But in this particular case, Sherry has found herself, she is known as what's called an anxious attachment style. Anxious attachment people tend to have abandonment issues and they cling on to love, okay? Sometimes this can be experienced as needy or needing quite a bit of validation. And there's levels of anxiousness. There's the extreme anxiousness. And then there's people like myself. I have an anxious attachment style, but I've been doing a lot of personal development. So I hope spiritual work and therapy to heal this so I am close to a secure, but I'm right at the edge of anxious, okay? But in this case, Sherry is an anxious and what she described as a relationship with an avoidant man. What this means is he comes close and then he pulls away. He comes close and he pulls away. He is basically bread crumbing her. They've been in a relationship for 15 months and they've broken up a half a dozen times. He continually pulls away and then he basically comes back because he is emotionally wounded as well. And she finds herself unhappy. And in this particular case, she's wanting to understand how can I change him? How can I change him? How can I change him? That's what she was hyper focused on explaining what he was doing wrong in the relationship whether it was ghosting on occasion, whether it was dismissing her, whether it was bailing on dates, this variety of things. She focused on him and what she was missing is the first technique, the most important technique to attracting a high quality person. And that is self love. Self love is the first technique because it requires retaining your power. Ladies, many of you have a propensity to give your power away. And I wanna share with you some examples of the way you give your power away to men in particular. So the first is you make the relationship on his terms. You abandon your standards. You abandon your boundaries just like what Sherry did in this dynamic. In addition, she's afraid to speak her truth to this person. There's literally duct tape over her mouth. And while I recognize that this is very common for many people, when you give your power away, one of the things you oftentimes is give your voice away. When the relationship ends, it's hyper focused on him. You're always waiting for him to initiate contact. You stop doing your pre-relationship life for this new relationship because you're on beck and call for this person. You feel like you can't live without him and you feel like he's the only person ever in your life that you'll have this amazing chemistry. I find it fascinating how everybody talks about this amazing chemistry I have with this person. Self love is going inward. It is doing the personal development, self help, spiritual work or therapy to heal your childhood wounds and or your adult traumas. For those of us in midlife, a significant percentage of people have adult traumas primarily due to divorce. Divorce, I want you to think about is the unraveling of the tapestry of one's former life. And what very few people do is integrate themselves into their own eye, their own sovereignty. And so self love is first looking in the mirror and identifying your negative patterns and your limiting beliefs in your life and doing work to heal that. For example, you may wanna check out the work of a book I highly recommend reading is the Hoffman process. The Hoffman process. This is a deep dive into healing your childhood wounds and traumas. So first you shore up that part of you. You create a foundation through self love of not giving your power away to another human being. Now, for those that don't like the term self love, I want you to think of words like self respect, self reliance, self esteem, self confidence, self worth. This is all wrapped up into the word of self love. And the first technique for attracting a high quality man is to be in that space where you don't give your power away to another human being. And we talked about a moment ago as anxious and avoid an attachment. If you're not familiar with the work of two books I highly recommend is the book, Wired for Love and Attack by Stan Tachkin and Amir Levine, Rachel Heller wrote the book Attached. And there's links below. By the way, folks, if I sound like a broken record on my videos, if it sounds like I repeat myself over and over and over again, because this is a fundamental truth. You know, I'm here to beat the drum of encouraging human beings to do the inner work. And I say it over and over and over again in each video because it requires doing the individual work so you can actually have that foundation underneath you of loving yourself so you can actually be able to attract a man who also is loving on himself. So what is a high quality man? A high quality man is a man of character, of character. So number one most important factor to consider when evaluating a person for enter have them enter into your life is their character. We're gonna talk about character for a moment. By the way, really quickly my coffee mug says swear a little you'll feel better and please forgive the slurping. And in a moment, we're gonna share the second technique for attracting this high quality man of character. So what does character represent? First and foremost, his actions consistently match his words. His actions consistently match his words. Now I say the word consistently because look at where humans were foible. We have foibles, we have flaws, we can make mistakes. We can say we're gonna call someone and fall asleep on the couch. It's the consistency that matters most. What Sherry was experiencing a man who's inconsistent it's like a roller coaster of emotions, the way he basically pursues her. For most likely he's pursuing her for companionship, connection and sex at his beck and call. And when he feels filled, he pulls away because he doesn't want any remote emotional responsibility or commitment in this dynamic, he's inconsistent. Okay. Number two, they've healed from their past wounds whether it's their childhood wounds or their past relationships. They're not lamenting over a past relationship. They're not in jaded or bitter over a past relationship. They've healed from their past relationships. This is critically important. And those of you that attract the dysfunctional man most likely you haven't healed your past relationship which comes back to self love technique is healing your past relationships so you can spiral up in any new relationship instead of spiraling down. High quality man of character, they're generous. They're kind. They come from a generous place. And this isn't about financial generosity. This is about emotional generosity. This is about physical generosity. They're kind. They come and help you when you need help. If you need a TV put up on the wall, well, actually I couldn't do that. But if you need some physical help they have the muscles to help you. As an example, they're generous in their life. Another thing about a high quality man is they clearly communicate what they want in a relationship. High quality men, men of character are very clear in their communication particularly when it comes to the relationship. See, they're not like coming back to Sherry's example. This guy was all over the map. He kept saying, oh in two years I'll be ready for something. In two years when my child is this and when this happens and when this happens. Folks, listen, when two people have regular sex together you have every right to have some standards in your life particularly a direction of where you're going. And if people are putting things off in the future that's not someone who's living in the present. Folks, let me just say something. Many of you know I lost a child. There's a picture of Connor right there. All we have is right now. We don't have the future guaranteed. So if someone can't commit to you if they're not clear in their communication they're not high quality, they're not men of character. Men of character, men who are high quality demonstrate trust. They believe trust is paramount to a relationship and trust. Trust is, does this person have my best interest at heart? I have your best interest at heart. Your feelings and emotions are equally as important to me. See here in the United States we swim in a sea of self-centric human beings. And ladies, you are equally guilty of this as men. This is not men more women less kind of thing. Women are equally self-centric. We're myopic in many cases to the fact that we are selfish or we have so many wounds that we give to another person for our own self needs. By the way, a healthy relationship is a given receive relationship. It's not give, give, give at the expense. And then you can be a martyr over the whole giving. It's a given receive type of relationship. And a quality man, a man of character he believes trust is paramount to the relationship. A quality man doesn't use another person. They're very clear about commitment. They're very clear about commitment. They're not seeking just companionship, connection and sex. They're seeking companionship, connection, sex and commitment. A high quality man wants to be in commitment in a relationship. Then you might be going, Jonathan, there's so few men out there. Yes, these are the landmines we were talking about. We're gonna talk about how to navigate through this in a moment. High quality men have their act together. High quality men are introspective. They do the personal development work on an ongoing basis. So they don't bleed into your life. Like, I think Stephen, Stefan speaks was saying, be careful of people who claim they want love. What they really want is help. High quality men don't need you to save them. And lastly, high quality men of character have empathy. So what's the second technique for attracting such a person in your life? Discernment. Discernment. Discernment is about having the harder conversations early on in the relationship. And folks, this is, you see the link right here. It says, johnthanasley.com free call. There's a link below to a schedule. You can schedule a discovery call with me. My whole coaching practice is all centered around being discernment, creating the questions based on your personality to determine if you're truly compatible with him. And more importantly, is he emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship? We have to figure this out in the first six weeks because within six weeks, you can back out of a relationship and not be too, you know, hurt. But after six weeks, just like in the case of Sherry, she's burrowed in. She has to double down on this relationship because she's so invested, so attached to this human being that makes it difficult for her to pull away. So discernment is the first six weeks as you're getting to know one another. And just so you know, trust is paramount, as I said, it takes about a hundred hours of face to face time to build the first layer of trust. Then the next layer of trust happens at 200 hours and so on. With each hundred hours, you're building more trust with one another if you're openly communicating with one another. Folks that will string you along those spenders that will waste your time. They don't communicate about the relationship, about the direction of the relationship, about their emotions, how they feel, how they want to progress this forward. And in this landmine of human beings and about 80% of people are either, you know, have clinical issues like the narcissist out in the world or they're just dysfunctional, roughly about 80% of people. So if you wanna navigate this path, it requires vetting. Oh, by the way, when I said earlier, I just have to bring this up. I said earlier, self-love. I wrote a book about self-love. Check out the link below. It's a book of, it's a journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work. So number one, self-love. Number two, discernment. And number three, and this is critically important, is being intentional and disciplined. Being intentional and disciplined. Discipline, being intentional is being very clear on the type of relationship and compatibility that's most aligned with who you are and what you want. That's being intentional. And the discipline is sticking to your standards. Sticking to your standards and having boundaries when someone starts to break it. In the case of Sherry, he probably broke a standard of hers very quickly on, and she didn't establish the boundary. And then discipline is sticking to the boundary. Sticking to the boundary. See, folks, discipline doesn't care how you feel. Doesn't care. Discipline is doing the hard work. Think of people who are trying to lose an excessive amount of weight. They have to be disciplined. By the way, if you have to lose any amount of weight or you wanna exercise, it requires getting up in the morning and doing the things you don't want to do. Well, it's the same with your emotional life. For example, discipline says, I'm gonna go to personal development workshops. I'm gonna go to self-help, spiritual work, therapy, getting up and doing the work first to shore up your self-love. Discipline also means is you're gonna ask the difficult questions sooner rather than later, so you can avoid these landmines that are in front of you. And discipline is going to say no. See, a boundary, I like the way Brene Brown describes boundary. Boundaries is what's okay and what's not okay for me is to say no and stick to your no. By the way, I apologize for yelling. I'm really passionate about this. I'm just passionate. I'm just, I'm like, wanna wake up everyone and folks, I'm guilty of everything I've described in this. I've been both the guy who's the user or spender and I've been the person that's been with the user or spender in my life, okay? It's taken me a tremendous amount of work and I'm still scratching the ant's belly. So I wanna share with you two more things before we wrap up and this is critically important. I once heard Wayne Dyer share the story and it's called My Autobiography in Five Short Chapters. Chapter one, I'm walking down the street. There's a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in, I'm lost, I'm helpless, but it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out. Chapter two, I walk down the same street. There's a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in, I'm lost, I'm helpless, but it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out. Chapter three, I walk down the same street. There's a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it there. Oh, by the way, in the second chapter, they see it there. I forgot that part. I see it there. I fall in. It's a habit. It's my fault. I get out quickly. Chapter four, I walk down the same street. There's a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it. Chapter five, I walk down another street. See, taking personal responsibility is the essence of what I'm talking about. This is the antidote. And even if we fall in, like I still have, I do fall into the hole, that I get out quicker, quicker, quicker, quicker, because I take personal responsibility. And I wanna share with you one last thing, because here in the United States, we are a very self-centric society. We believe happiness is in the obtaining of things. So I want you to think of a line going from here to here. And this is where I'm at. Like I have a one-bedroom apartment, and I'll be happy if I have the house. I'll be happy if I have the house, okay? Or I have a Hyundai, and I'd be happy if I have a Ferrari. Or I'm single, and if I'm in a relationship, I'm happy. And it's a horizontal line. See, I learned this at the University of Santa Monica. Happiness is in a vertical line, okay? And happiness comes when we love ourselves and we love others. And we learn something new. When we are learning, we are actually activating our happy centers when we have achieved something new. And if you've ever found yourself in a relationship that is unsatisfying, going nowhere, dysfunctional and whatnot, learn to love yourself, learn discernment, learn what I teach, if it's relationship oriented, practice intentionality and discipline. Because when you can be in that new space of empowerment, you are going to be much happier in your life. I promise you this, I promise you this. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. If it is, please post a comment below. I'd like to hear your thoughts, add any comments you would. Also, if you find value, you're part of my group called Midlife Love Mastery. Send your friends to my website, Jonathanasley.com. Have them click the group coaching button so they can join our fantastic group. Folks, I hope you found value again. I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big, gigantic Jonathan Barrow of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye-bye now. Bye-bye.