 What are coping statements and how can we use them to help us beat the negative narrative that might be going around and around in our head? That's the question we're going to be exploring in today's episode of Pookie Ponders. Let's dive right in. Coping statements are something I found myself talking about quite a bit lately both in the context of how adults can support children and young people who might be struggling with things like anxiety and low self-esteem, but also there's something I've been writing about in the book that I'm currently authoring which is for neurodivergent adults who are parents or carers trying to manage this thing called life. And one of the themes that's come up a lot from the adults that I've been researching the book with is this feeling of not coping, not managing anxiety, pervasive negative thoughts and the need to find ways to overcome them. So I've been looking at some coping statements there. So coping statements are simply, although it sounds simple but we've got to learn to apply them, they are simply phrases which represent how we would like things to be or which reflect a slightly different take on reality than the one that the nasty bully in our head would have us believe. Now you might listen to this episode of the podcast with yourself in mind, you might be someone who does experience pervasive negative thoughts, we all get them sometimes, or it might be that you have a child or a colleague in mind that you'd like to be able to support, but the idea is that if we've got horrible thoughts that stop us from doing things that hold us back, that pull us down, that bully us day to day, that we need to try and notice those negative thoughts and then we can sometimes replace them with more positive or proactive thoughts of our own. And this is where the coping statements come in. These are statements that we've pre-prepared in order to specifically replace those thoughts that come to us often. So for example, one that I will get a lot is why can't I do this I'm useless or something's similar to that and I will find myself actually literally berating myself saying this out loud sometimes because it's so there in my head. Why can't you do this pookie you're so useless and I find myself doing this and I think gosh you'd never ever talk to another adult or a child or a dog anyone in this way and yet it's okay to talk to yourself that way and that's actually a helpful point of reflection too. If you find yourself talking less kindly to yourself than you would to a colleague or a friend or a child then perhaps it's time to think about talking differently to yourself so why can't I do this I'm useless. I might then try to counter this with a coping statement which might go something like I'm not useless I'm autistic which is a simple statement of fact but which counters that belief because I would never expect my autistic daughters to be able to just do stuff like their neurotypical peers can and tell them that they were useless if they couldn't if the barrier was actually the fact that they have a disability in just the same way I would not expect my friend Rachel to walk upstairs because she is a wheelchair user who has no legs I would not expect that of her and I should not expect of myself or my children that we can just do neurotypical stuff because that's what people do because sometimes I can't because I'm autistic and that's okay so I might counter with that or I might try to give myself a bit of encouragement if I'm feeling like I just need a bit of a pep talk and sometimes we all do and I might counter why can't I do this I'm useless with I can do this but I need to be kind to myself first so sometimes there will be things that I can do but that I know it's just going to take me a little bit of preparation perhaps a bit of calming might need to do some breathing or a bit of planning or something in order to enable me to do that thing that I can't just barrel straight into it and expect to get it right first time and so sometimes it's not a question of I can't it's I can't yet I could if I just gave myself the time the space and the support that I need so I find those two phrases really helpful ones for me to go to so I have them ready in my head I practice them at times of calm I'm not useless I'm autistic or I can do this but I need to be kind to myself first now the thing with the coping statements and coming up with them is you need to think about what you need to hear or if you're supporting someone what they need to hear and a helpful thing here could be what would someone that you trust and who is kind and who cares about you what would they say to you in those moments that might actually help you to move on from those difficult thoughts that might help to counter them and would be a reasonable counter argument to those difficult horrible negative thoughts that are going around and around in your head another helpful starting point can be specifically to stop and discuss and brainstorm and explore what form do these thoughts take often they're just there all the time and they're like a background narrative that's there accompanying us so much of our day that we almost don't specifically tune into a notice them or know that it's unusual to have those thoughts there all the time so taking a time just to stop and maybe actually write them down or say them out loud to someone and share them and acknowledge I have these horrible thoughts about myself I'm really unkind to myself I bully myself this is the form that those thoughts take and then begin to get curious about what's another way of looking at this what might be words that might counter that what would it be helpful to hear in those moments when I'm being bullied in that way what might I say to a friend or a colleague in a similar situation it's best to try as with so many things to explore this at a time of calm so when we're feeling relatively calm and relatively happy to actually go a little bit deep here think about those nasty thoughts but then importantly think about the coping statements that might counter them we do it at a time of calm because that's when we can do our best problem solving and we can access our thinking speaking brain and this can give us an opportunity to perhaps practice some of these statements I will also sometimes encourage people to actually kind of write them down have them on their phone put them on their mirror something like an affirmation really that you might be able to see regularly at times to remind you of the positive rather than just always having the negative drilling down into your brain you might also choose to share these statements with other people who might be able to parrot them at you at times when you're lost in those kind of dark negative thoughts so what kind of phrases might help I'm going to share with you some ideas that other neurodivergent adults shared with me that I have put into the book first of all and then I'll share with you some ideas for working with anxiety more generally which I shared recently on a resource which is suitable for children as well as for adults I mean all of these can be adapted for children or adults so thinking first about our neurodivergent adults and these were all suggestions from my lovely amazing wonderful group of people who have been helping me to research and write my book for neurodivergent parents and carers so the things they came up with were I'm doing better than I think so I am doing better than I think I love this one because it's so often true when we reflect back on the things that we have actually managed to do despite having to overcome such adversity some days often we can be really proud of our past selves but in that moment often we're just beating ourselves up about what we're not managing to do right now we're focused on all the negatives but actually there's often a lot that we're doing better than we think today is hard but it's okay to take it slowly so today is hard but it's okay to take it slowly again a little bit of self forgiveness and kindness can go a long way not every day is going to be a good day next one this one specifically looking from the parent or carer point of view my children know they are loved and that is all that really matters my children know that they are loved and that is all that really matters so on those days when we feel like we're completely failing as a parent as a carer and we can't seem to do anything right actually if our kids know that we love them wholeheartedly unconditionally we're doing a great job my way is okay I love this one my way is okay this one again from the point of view of neurodivergent parents who may be doing things a bit differently than their neurotypical peers and it might not look like all the fancy families on Instagram but it's okay to do things a bit differently if it's what works for us and our family that's true for every family of course it's okay to do things our way my way is okay I am a good enough parent again we all only can do the best that we can do on any given day and forgiving ourselves and saying I am a good enough parent sometimes we berate ourselves for not being a perfect parent is there any such thing is anyone and we mustn't let perfection stand in the way of the good and sometimes we become so overcome with worry and anxiety about not being perfect that actually we're not able to get on with being good so I am a good enough parent as an aside I don't have a title for the book yet and the words good enough keep coming back to me and I keep wondering whether that should be in the title that it's some sort of I don't know neary spicy guide to good enough parenting or something like that anyhow I digress I've done it before I can do it again simple reminder to self this one works with anxiety low self-esteem all sorts of other things as well anytime we find ourselves facing a challenge and we're going I can't I can't I can't inside my head you're useless you're rubbish you can't do this I can I have done this before I can do it again next one I choose not to engage with these negative thoughts that's just a like smack down bugger off stupid head I choose not to engage with these negative thoughts when they're coming in and they're creeping in no go away I choose not to engage with these negative thoughts and with kids I will often use an idea who called shoot the parrot so we imagine a nasty evil parrot sitting on our shoulder speaking into our ears telling us all these nasty things about ourselves and we just say shoot the parrot and we shoot the parrot he's gone I choose not to engage I'm not listening to you horrible thoughts I'll do what I can and I'll forgive myself for what I can't simple I'll do what I can and forgive myself for what I can't this one I love foreign neurodivergent parents I am a successful neurodivergent parent not a failed neurotypical one this could be applied to a range of different situations but I am a successful neurodivergent parent not a failed neurotypical one and again this is something that we might think of with anyone who has who identifies as autistic ADHD or has another way in which they identify and just recognizing I'm a succeeding at that rather than failing at being neurotypical and then finally for our parents and carers out there my children are fantastic I must be doing something right and that I find a lovely uplifting wonderful reminder when we're beating ourselves up and feeling that we're rubbish just looking at the product of our parenting and caring and seeing that they are awesome and so we must be doing something right coming up with your own can be a little bit harder than taking someone else's but actually taking the time to think about what you perhaps need to hear and crafting your own can be even more beneficial but I'm going to share some more now with you that are specifically around anxiety and that were developed specifically with that idea of overcoming kind of more generalized negative thoughts rather than once purely around neurodivergence so these can all be really really easily adapted for adults or for children and these are coping statements specifically to address anxiety so I'm anxious but I can manage so this is like acknowledging that we're anxious we're not trying to dismiss it or to kind of invalidate it we're saying yeah I can feel that my body it feels anxious right now but I can do this sometimes that can be a really helpful reminder to self that anxiety does not have to always stand in our way sometimes it's totally debilitating but sometimes we can choose to kind of feel the fear and do it anyway essentially I'm anxious but I can manage so it's a reminder to self it's feeling strong I'm going to do this this feeling will pass this is particularly helpful for understanding about the physiology and knowing that bell curve that the anxiety will build and build and build but then it will begin to dissipate that this feeling is going to pass every time it's happened before it has passed I've always been okay in the past this feeling will pass it will not last forever this also is true of low mood and any really sort of dark deep horrible feelings that will overcome and that we might ruminate with it's just knowing that nothing will last forever this feeling will pass can be a really helpful coping statement I've done it before I can do it again this is where things like our I can jars and so on can come in really helpful where we keep a record of the things that we have managed to do the things that we have overcome the small successes that we have had reminding ourselves I can when perhaps our head spins a lot of time telling us I can't so I've done it before I can do it again it's okay not to be okay so sometimes just saying I feel pretty horrible right now and that's not nice but it's okay and that doesn't mean we're going to sit with it forever but right now maybe it's okay not to be okay sometimes something is objectively really stressful and we're going to just sit with that distress for a moment this one's cheesy as but I kind of like it mistakes are like teachers they're how I learn mistakes are like teachers they're how I learn this is one for someone who is perhaps trying to overcome perfectionism who beats themselves up a lot every time they make a little mistake but we all know mistakes are the greatest teacher genuinely we learn so much more from the things that we get wrong and then we do from when things are just sort of plain sailing so mistakes are like teachers they're how I learn next anxiety feels horrible but it won't hurt me this one I've been using with one of my daughters who feels everything very very deeply in terms of her physiology she's really really clued into every tiny that will change in her body and so when she does feel anxious which she often does it's improving but she does feel anxious a lot of the time she really really taps into that and it feels horrible and the more that we tap into those feelings the more that the anxiety builds because we notice that our heart is doing something strange and maybe we're going to die and that's the kind of feeling that will come and overtake us and that makes more anxiety and so more bits of our body feel strange and it's a horrible negative cycle so instead being able to cut that off and say this feels horrible anxiety feels horrible but it won't hurt me and knowing being safe in that knowledge having had a discussion with a trusted adult that when you feel anxious your heart rate increases and maybe you get sweaty palms and perhaps your tummy feels funny and this is because your body is preparing to fight or to run and so you're building up all this adrenaline and then if you don't fight or you don't run it all is coursing around your body and it makes you feel horrible but it will pass over time and it's a perfectly normal and natural reaction that could keep you really safe if you're in genuine danger it's just that when the thing that's worrying you is something that's in your head and you don't need to fight it or run from it it makes your body feel horrible and strange but it isn't going to hurt you because it feels like it might we must take time to explain this to our children that they're going to be okay this is going to be okay these horrible feelings that overcome us they are normal lots of people experience them they will pass and they will not hurt us and they certainly won't kill us and then finally simply I am more than my anxiety so this is one that young people have suggested to me that they like because sometimes it can feel like your anxiety overcomes you and it's the only bit of you that matters and it overtakes every bit of every day and sometimes that reminder to yourself that I'm going to do these things anyway I feel anxious but I'm going to carry on I'm not going to let anxiety stand in my way I'm not going to let this bully in my head prevent me from doing the things that I love and enjoy and want to do I am more than my anxiety I'm bigger than this I can beat you and actually imagining yourself as bigger and greater than that bully in your head and again this is one which we might write down we might choose to visit often we might have it as an affirmation as a mantra that we revisit often rather than just in these difficult moments so there you go coping statements it's a really really simple strategy but it's about proactively thinking what is the tough stuff that fills our head sometimes and floods out all the positive thoughts and what might be some statements that we can come up with that will positively proactively begin to displace those difficult thoughts we can think about this at a time of calm come up with coping statements that work specifically for us and perhaps write them down use them as affirmations as well and share them with other people who might be able to tell them to us at times when perhaps we've gone beyond being able to say those statements for ourselves super simple but really highly effective I hope it's a helpful strategy I'd love to hear what coping statements you come up with drop me a line on one of the social medias and let me know if you'd like to support my work you can do so by sharing it share this podcast episode or other resources of mine that you like on social media on email or by word of mouth you can also support my work by heading over to patreon where you can support me for a pound a month and join my little growing community there or you can support my work by inviting me to speak at your next event or in your setting I hope this has been a helpful episode I look forward to hearing how you use it but until next time either