 Here is Our Miss Brooks starring Eve Arden. It's time once again for another comedy episode of Our Miss Brooks under the direction of Al Lewis. But first, probably no city in the world is as newsworthy as Hollywood, California. How often have you seen headlines that read movie star does so-and-so, or Hollywood hero in nightclub brawl? I believe it happened to anyone else in any other town that wouldn't get more than a few lines on page 10. But from Hollywood, it's front page news. Our soldiers overseas are in about the same spot as movie stars. Attention is focused on them constantly. If one serviceman gets out of line, he's taken as a sample of the entire American army. But we're grateful that the percentage is small. Our fellows know that a big part of their job is to build up goodwill between ourselves and other people. But the few who do get into serious trouble make it a lot tougher for the majority who are trying to do a good job. Our servicemen are doing a lot to correct false ideas about America. And they're on the spot, just like a Hollywood star. The clean lights are burning, the cameras are rolling, and the whole world is watching to see how they act. Remember, a country is known by its people. What people think of your country depends on you. Well, as it must to all school teachers, final exam time came last week to our Miss Brooks, who teaches English at Madison High School. That's why Friday morning found me in the dinette for an early and hurried breakfast. My landlady was most cooperative. My fruit juice, Mrs. Davis. Fruit juice, Connie. Cereal? Toast? Toast. Coffee? Coffee. Hat coat and bicarbonate? Hat coat? Stop teasing, Connie. You don't have to rush like this. I suppose you're right, Mrs. Davis. I did get the test finished last night. At least it's finished to my satisfaction. Now, if our beloved principal likes it, everything's okay. How has Mr. Convin been lately? Is that temper I mean? Well, for the past week, he's only been semi-apoplectic. Honestly, he's so autocratic sometimes. Oh, that must be Walter Denton. I'll get it. It's pretty early for Walter, isn't it? He's been getting up on time lately to hear a new program. Some disc jockey called Out of the World Oscar. Excuse me, Mrs. Davis. Hold on to your beanie, jazz med. I'm coming. Good morning, Miss Brooks. Franklin, oh, come in, sir. May I, uh... May you take my beanie? No, no, Miss Brooks. I don't want the propellers dented. I thought it was Walter Denton at the door. I was just finishing breakfast, Mr. Convin. Would you care for a cup of coffee or something? I could do with a cup. Thank you, Miss Brooks. Come on into the dinette. Mrs. Davis will be surprised to see you, Mr. Convin. You haven't stopped buying quite a while. Mrs. Davis, look who's here. Well, our good Convin. Good morning, Margaret. Mr. Convin says he could do with a cup of coffee, Mrs. Davis. I'll heat some up in a jiffy. Just make yourself comfortable. How about a slice of toast with your coffee? I could do with a slice of toast, yes. Do some toast while you're doing the coffee, Mrs. Davis. Uh, Davis. Sit right down here, Mr. Convin. Thank you. Miss Brooks, this is not to be construed as a social call. I was on my way to the engravers nearby and decided to kill two birds with one stone. Mrs. Davis and me? Very amusing. Miss Brooks, you have probably forgotten that this is the time of year when some fortunate student receives the highest honor Madison has to offer. The coveted silver-loving cup so thoughtfully provided by our school's beloved founder, Yoda Critch. Say, it is getting pretty close to Critch time, isn't it? This award, affording added incentive to all students, has always been presented to that pupil who exhibits superior aptitude in mastering that glorious linguistic infant that heterogeneous hybrid of sundry tongues, the English language. Now then, Miss Brooks, do you recognize my problem? Of course. How to get those words on a cup without having most of them slop over into the saucer. That is only part of the difficulty. Before taking any action, however, I want you as the teacher who will be giving the examination to have a full say in all decisions concerning the award. Well, thank you, Mr. Convin. Since brevity is sorely needed here, I have been casting about for the one word that would sum up the essence of this prize. How about... Then, too, instead of giving a test with merely straight questions, I thought I'd consult with you about the possibility of having a brief composition form a part of it. Well, that's all. A composition that could be touched along with the questions. Of course, not only on neatness and penmanship, but also originality of basic thought, clever phraseology, and so forth. That seems... The word which... Those qualities of which we chatted earlier seems to me to be the correct one to place upon the cup. However, before going to the engravers, I made up my mind to do nothing without your go ahead, Miss Brooks. Well, I... After all, it's only fair that you should have a hand in this. Now, it seems to me, appending your approval naturally... Natch. I got that in. It seems that the word unique most closely typifies what we're at. Unique means unmatched, without an equal, unlike anything else. So, Miss Brooks, how about having the inscription read the Yoda Critch Award for Unique Achievement in English? I knew you'd like it! Then the matter is closed. Here, you toast him coffee, Oscar. Oh, thank you. Well, we certainly accomplished a lot while you were in the kitchen, Margaret. Yes, indeed. Just shows you what can be done when Mr. Conklin and I put his head together. Oh, it's teamwork that counts to spirit of cooperation. Oh, that must be Walter now. Excuse me. Being most observant of all possible pupils. Come on in, Walter. You see, before you a bearer of cheerful tidings, you are hereby invited to a party tonight. Oh, thanks, Walter. I have some tidings for you, too. Come on in to the dinette. OK, Miss Brooks. I just called Harriet Conklin to invite her to the party, and she told me her father was really on the war path this morning. He couldn't find one of his socks or something. And not now, Walter. Good morning, Denbun. Coffee cup, Walter. Can I get you something, Walter? Cup of coffee, glass of milk. Shot of arsenic. I'll be running along now. But what about your toast? That's good. Aren't you going to eat it? I seem to have lost my appetite. I'll see you to the door, Mr. Conklin. Hey, don't bother. I'll let myself out, Miss Brooks. Goodbye, Osgoode. Goodbye, Margaret. Goodbye, Mr. Conklin, sir. And to think I wanted a boy. Mr. Conklin knew I was talking about him? Oh, of course not, Walter. He probably thought we were chatting about the weather. The weather? Yes, everybody knows it's been grouch-puss out all week. Now, have a glass of milk and forget about, Mr. Conklin. What kind of a party is this tonight? Well, my pal, Stretch Snodgrass, is throwing it. It's a barbecue in back of his father's pet shop. They're having several of the teachers. The more tender ones, I hope. Spot, Miss Brooks. And we've taken the liberty of inviting Mr. Boynton. Oh, you have. The moon rises at exactly 7.20 p.m. Now, at 7.21, you and Mr. Boynton will sneak through an ivy-covered archway and stretch his backyard. Now, when you get through the archway, you come to a cute little bird bath. And guess what's in the bird bath? A dirty owl. His eyes love birds. Now, what do you think Mr. Boynton will do when he sees those love birds in the bird bath? Well, if I know Mr. Boynton, he'll close his eyes and hand them a towel. Because they are doing... What? They're rubbing their beaks together. You see, it's their way of making love. And with Mr. Boynton standing right there with you, well, you know the old expression, monkey see, monkey do. See, monkey do? Sure. Well, don't just sit there. Hand me a banana and let's get going. Gordon will continue in just a moment. But first, on the back lots of the motion picture studios in Hollywood, they have what are known as permanent sets. These are outdoor sets made to look like New York streets or French villages or something you might see in Baghdad, London or Tokyo. Standing in one spot, you can see reproductions of practically the whole world. It reminds you that improved methods of travel and communication have made the real world like that. More compact, more closely united. I think people today feel closer together too. An earthquake in Ecuador becomes a matter of importance to relief organizations in countries all over the world. A disaster's fire in Paris can have its effect on the commerce of three continents. People are beginning to see that what hurts one country hurts all of us. What helps one group helps the whole world. Our servicemen overseas have done their part in spreading that idea. They have shown that the way of life we declare in our Constitution is not a matter of words, but something we believe in for all people. It's an important thing to remember that when you're stationed in another land, a country is known by its people. What people think of your country depends on you. Well, I arrived at school a few minutes before it was time for my first class. So I decided to give Mr. Boynton an opportunity to invite me personally to stretch his barbecue. As I entered the biology laboratory, Mr. Boynton rose from his desk. Oh, hello, Miss Brooks. It's such time to chat, Mr. Boynton, so I'd better get right down to beating around the bush. Have you made any plans for after school? Oh, yes, Miss Brooks, I have. This afternoon I've got a heavy date. Oh? It's with my little nephew. He's just four years old and I'm taking him to his first movie. Oh, sounds like fun. What about the evening, Mr. Boynton? Well, I've been invited to a party, Miss Brooks. A barbecue? That's right, it's Stretched Out Gasses Place. I've been invited to that party, too, Mr. Boynton. Really good. Yes. Now that you've been invited and I've been invited, there's only one more invitation necessary. One more? Oh, you want to bring somebody? No, Mr. Boynton, I want somebody to bring me. You do? Who do you want to bring you, Miss Brooks? Who do I want to bring me what? What? Oh, skip it. I've got to get into my first class now. Well, just a minute, Miss Brooks. If you weren't kidding about wanting somebody to take you to the party, how about going with me tonight? I'm sorry, Mr. Boynton, I couldn't possibly. Why not? I'm going with you. That ought to confuse him nicely. Some enchanted evening I... Excuse me, Miss Brooks. I didn't notice that you weren't looking where you were going. Well, that's all right, Stretch. I have a very forgiving nature. How's Madison Star athlete feeling this lovely, sunny, pre-barbecue day? Well, physically I feel okay, Miss Brooks. But mentally... Say no more, Stretch. As your English teacher for low these many years, I'm well aware of your scholastic deficiencies, so let's not talk shop. How are plans coming along for the party tonight? Well, that's what I feel so punk about, Miss Brooks. It's not going to be no party. Please, Stretch, there isn't going to be any party. You know about it already, huh? Know about what, Stretch? I guess Walter told you what my old man, my father, said this morning. No, he didn't. My old man... My father said that he's sick and tired of me not getting nowhere in my studies, and that all parties was out for the entire whole summer unless I won this here Yodara Critch Award for English. And he should win an award by itself. But, Stretch, do I understand your old man, your father, to mean that if you don't win the cup today, the barbecue is canceled? That's right. Then I'll have to disinvite all the people I invited. I hate to do that, Miss Brooks. I hate to have you do it, Stretch. Tell me the truth. Have you studied for this test at all? Well, sure I have. I always studied for everything. But for this English test, I studied even harder than I ever done. Something done told me the barbecue is cooked. Look, Stretch, there is still a few hours before the exam. Maybe you could get somebody to coach you. I thought of that, Miss Brooks. I was just going to ask Walter Denton to help me. Walter Denton? Sure. He's much smarter than me. Gosh, on the last test we took, he beat me by 20 points. Yes, I know. What a mark he got. Boy, 29. Do you know what some last minute cramming can do? But I don't think Walter's the ideal tutor for you, Stretch. Now, if Harriet Conklin would give you some pointers, you'd be... Wait a minute. Isn't that the happy couple going into my class? Sure, those are them. Hey, Walter, wait up. Stretch. Hi, how are you, too? Great. Okay, thanks. Miss Brooks was just saying that if somebody coaches me a while, maybe I got a chance to get the cup after all. I didn't put it quite that way, but... Gee, it's certainly worth a try. I'd be willing to do whatever I could to help Stretch out. Oh, see, that reminds me, Miss Brooks, Daddy wants you to pick up the... and display it in your classroom this morning. It's in the custodian's office right now. Mr. Jensen? All right, Harriet, I'll get it. Meanwhile, you tell my class to take a study period, then you kids can take Stretch into one of these empty rooms and drill whatever you can into him. Okay, Miss Brooks, and who knows, as the moon rises over Stretch's barbecue pit tonight, you and Mr. Boynton may yet be plodding your trouts beneath the bird bath. Well, I hope so, Walter. I'd hate to think I honed my beak for nothing. Jensen, may I come in, Mr. Jensen? You are in, Miss Brooks. Yes, I guess I am. You wrapped on my door before entering is true, but then you failed to wait so much as a split second before opening it and entering upon the premises. Hence, your query falls into the classification of a purely rhetorical question. Maybe I'd better go out and come in again. Oh, not at all, Miss Brooks. You see, most of us employ altogether too many meaningless phrases in our daily conversation. I try to eliminate them. Well, you've got something there, Mr. Jensen. Where, Miss Brooks? Look, I don't want to seem short with you, but I... Oh, no, you don't seem short to me, miss. In fact, you're a nice-sized woman. Thank you. And a pretty one too, if I may say so. Who's stopping you? That is, I'd like to tell you what brought me in. Oh, I know the answer to that one. The stork! The sort of small joke, isn't it? It is sort of small, yes. I played Mrs. Jensen a visit just eight weeks ago. Yes, I know. How is the little deer? We didn't have a deer. We had a boy. I'd play with him every night when I go home. He holds his head up all by himself. You must have very strong hands. Mr. Jensen, I just came by to pick up a loving cup, Mr. Conklin left. Pick up, Miss Brooks? You can't possibly pick anything up unless it's beneath you. And the cup of which you speak is on that shelf right over your head. All right, Mr. Jensen. Then, if you don't mind, and even if you do, I'll pick down the loving cup and blow. Gee, Walter, I'm all muddled up. I even forget what Harriet said was an adverb. I'll never win that cup. Oh, don't be a quitter, Stretch. You want to have that big barbecue party, don't you? Sure, more than anything. But I'm just no good at English. Everything you tell me goes in both of my ears and out the other. Yes, you only have two ears. See, I'm no good at arithmetic either. How's it coming? Oh, I'm afraid we haven't been much help, Miss Brooks. No, he's more confused than ever. Looks like it's up to you to pull Stretch through. Well, I'll try, but there isn't much time left. Here, kids, you take this cup into my room and get ready for the test yourself. I'll be along with Stretch as soon as I feel he's mastered some of the fundamentals. Okay, Miss Brooks, come on, Harriet. I'll carry the cup. Here, good luck, Miss Brooks. You, too, Stretch. Thanks. Now, Stretch, in this streamlined English course I'm about to give you, I'll be using a textbook which I consider difficult for even people. I don't blame him, no-how. But, Stretch, the use of the word with in the sentence makes it prepositional. So perhaps I should explain the simple rule governing prepositional phrases before I can expect you to understand possessive pronoun. Yeah, maybe that's what's clogging up my mind, Miss Brooks. Maybe if you read me about them prepositional things I might see the whole thing clear. Now, here is the rule, Stretch. A prepositional phrase, a subordinate clause, or a participial phrase may take the place of a noun in almost any of its relation. Thus, the sentence, for him to use the society's money was dishonest, affords us a case in which an infinitive to use serving as a noun the object of the preposition for as a verb takes a subject in him and an object in money and the whole unites to form the subject of the verb was and is qualified by the adjective dishonest. Is that clear? Well, Stretch? My pop won't even let me dance with my mother. We wave a reluctant farewell to the prepositional phrase and plunge headlong into the subjunctive mood. Rule, if I say I'm John the Fisherman I am making a positive statement flatly stating that I am indeed John the Fisherman. The Fisherman acting in apposition with the noun John which it explains. But if the words if I were precede the noun the sentence is placed in the subjunctive mood indicating that the supposition is not a possibility. Thus if I say if I were John the Fisherman the verb were makes it obvious that I am not John the Fisherman for if I were John the Fisherman I would simply say I am John the Fisherman. What's my name? I mean, am I or am I not John the Fisherman if I say if I were John the Fisherman? Well, that's easy. You ain't John the Fisherman, Miss Brooks. You're right. I ain't. But how do you know I ain't John the Fisherman? Because if you was John the Fisherman you'd be carrying fish instead of that crazy book. At last you've grasped the fundamentals. On to the test. Come to order class. For revealing the winner of the Yodar Critch Award for unique achievement in English I should like to introduce the two gentlemen at my desk. On my right, Madison's popular biology teacher who assisted me in marking the test papers, Mr. Philip Boynton. Thank you, students. And on my left, Madison High's beloved principal, Mr. Conklin. Thank you, Harriet. Students, I am as eager as any of you to learn the identity of the lucky pupil who has won this coveted cup. Miss Brooks, would you kindly make the announcement? Yes, sir. The winner is Stretch Snodgrass. Huh? Huh? Miss Brooks, is this some kind of a joke? No, sir. According to your own definition, unique means unmatched and without an equal. Therefore, it gives me a great deal of pleasure to present to you Stretch Snodgrass, this silver-loving cup. Gee, thanks, Miss Brooks. Would you tell me one thing? What's that, Stretch? How did I do it? By being unique. In all my experience as a teacher, you are the first student who ever completed an exam without answering one question correctly. For Miss Brooks, starring Eve Arden, was produced and directed by Larry Burns, written by Arthur Alsberg and Al Lewis with the music of Lud Bluskin. Mr. Conklin was played by Gale Gorton. This program came to you from the Frankfurt Studios of the American Forces Network Europe and was prepared for rebroadcast over this network by specialist Ed Barron.