 I feel like a narrator of my own life. What's going on, you guys? Welcome back. Hi, hello. I'm your mentor, the Ateone YouTube, and today I'm talking about BPD and lack of identity slash motivation. You're thinking, Lydia, how are you gonna put these two subjects together? With the help of my family, very, very scruffy written notes. Sometimes I don't know what I am, what I feel. I don't know what I like, that I dislike. I don't know what to do. And I also feel happiness because when you're happy, there's so much more you can lose than when you're just depressed. I actually did the depression scoring thing yesterday and I scored 22. I know I put on a happy face and whatnot, but I've literally been lying in bed doing nothing this morning. So in the morning now, it's time to set. It is 28 minutes past three in the afternoon. I've been awake since about six, so much. Let's come with video. I have a quick test for you all. Go down to the comments section. Write two, three of your interests and things you like doing, things you enjoy doing. Write one fact about you. My question to you is, who are you? And the reason I'm asking that question is because so many people with a diagnosis of BPD lack self-identity. Myself included. I made loads of videos talking about my identity issues, not really knowing how to conform, not knowing how to be, pause the video if you need time to do that. The reason I asked you to do that is because it gets you to thinking about the subject that we're gonna be talking about in this video. But I would have to say this in the beginning, BPD is a massively misunderstood mental illness. Like, there is so much stigma associated with it. I wish I could say it's getting better as day's gone, but if anything, I think it's just becoming more and more stigmatized. If you want a video on why I feel like that, let me know in the comments down below. Every time I feel happy, I spend most of my time questioning why and even more time thinking about the fact that it's not going to last. Which ends up with me getting very frustrated. Something that always crossed in my mind and something that I always think about. Am I ever going to be good enough? And after not having to think it, I'm never going to be enough. So why am I bothering to try? And that's where the self-sabotage comes in or that's when you start to go deeper into the depression. And I'm gonna put this in the video. Depression is addictive. You know what to expect. And you don't have a lot to lose. Now I'm assuming that my mom always made out that I was an unmotivated dummata. When I was first diagnosed with any of my mental illness diagnosis, when I was diagnosed with depression and when I was diagnosed with BPD, I was told by professionals that what I was experiencing with the lack of motivation and the very physicals that I had was because of my depression and because of what I'd grown from. So because of the PTSD, because of my childhood trauma, because of my depression, because of my personal disorder, because I validated the feeling. And in my real life, I'm not just sitting around doing nothing all day. I feel this way because of a natural thing. And then I knew what I was to work on. And for a bit, I did get better. I did do really well for about a year. And then my mental health took a dive. From there, it's deteriorated to the point of my now, which is I am basically at the bottom and I am trying my hardest to get out of this hole and I'm not doing a very good job. The one thing anyone with BPD will say is we just want stability. It's the one thing I want in life, stability. I said it in my appointment and it's weak in my care coordinator. I was like, all I want is to feel stable. You know, that's literally all I want. And I don't want to fix myself, but I really, really don't know where to start. BPD is a complicated mental illness. That's all I've got for the video. So thank you guys so much for watching. I like it at the beginning. Please hit the subscribe button if you're new. I'm tired. I shouldn't probably tell.