 So to start this thing off I just want to clearly state I don't want any sympathy or anything like that I just want to share some of my experience and all I ask in this video is just please don't leave a comment until you finish the entire video all right I hope to just share some of my personal experience because I know a lot of you just don't know me or what I've been through or why I talk about the things that I talk about and addiction is something that hits very close to home for me so the first person I lost to addiction was my ex-girlfriend she was one of the first loves of my life and she passed away when she was 24 years old from her addiction and I was an active addiction at that time too and I had a lot of survivor's guilt over it I asked myself a million times like I should have done this like what could I have done differently how could I have helped her what could I have done to save her how could I have helped her right and it's something that still pops up in my mind to this day almost 10 years later all right and since I was in active addiction I knew that what she was going through was so painful and difficult to overcome and a few years later is when I finally got clean and sober and when I believe it or not as thickheaded as you think I am I used to be a lot worse when I first got sober it was letting go of old beliefs and the biggest belief was that I knew everything right I hated people telling me what to do I didn't want to get a sponsor I didn't like any kind of authority figures for my entire life and I kept wondering like why are people why do people care why are they all up in my business you know what I mean and I would get pissed and I did I did everything I did everything that they told me not to do every single thing they told me not to do I did aside from get drunk or high they told me not to date and I've mentioned this before so let me clarify that like I didn't date but I went on two dates with the same girl and I made a video about it a while back but it was a terrible idea I was in no place emotionally mentally to even try to get in a relationship and everybody kept saying don't get into relationships and I saw so many of my friends do it and not take the advice or take the suggestions and so many of them relapsed and some of them started to die and I started to witness more people die in the rooms of 12-step meetings and the saddest part about it was you would see it coming from a mile away you would see people who would not be taking the suggestions right or you'd see them stop coming to meetings or you'd see them you know just putting themselves in situations that might you know hurt their recovery and put them in a risky situation so I eventually moved back to Las Vegas and one of the things that you know really affected me was my best friend my best friend growing up like his family is like my family he was one of the first guys I met here in Las Vegas well we became addicted together to alcohol and drugs and I got sober and while many of my friends and everybody abandoned me like he was still there but it was partially because he was still in active addiction but like when I first moved back to Las Vegas I had to sleep on his couch because nobody else would let me stay there even though I had over a year clean and I had to watch my friend like going down the same spiral that I was he was starting to lose everything and he was slowly killing himself and I eventually moved out and everything like that and he used to get really pissed off at me you know when you get drunk and call me and yell at me and say oh you think you're better than me now and all these other things and it's just like nah man like I'm not I'm not better than you I'm just in a different place and I care and I'm trying to help and because of his addiction he used to call me all the time at least once or twice a week he would call me and he would tell me how depressed he was and he would tell me that he wanted to kill himself like my best friend in the world who is like a brother to me he was telling me multiple times a week that he wanted to kill himself he would call me driving drunk from a bar and saying that he wanted to just drive his car off the road and end it all right and the one thing that he would always say to me is please don't tell my parents please don't tell my parents and I wouldn't I wouldn't tell his parents and one day like I was sitting there because this was months of him doing this and talking about being suicidal and I I was sitting there and I was just thinking like when is this gonna happen when is he gonna finally do it when is he gonna finally kill himself and how am I gonna feel about that and I sat there and I asked myself I'm like okay like if he does end up killing himself do I want to live with the guilt of knowing that I didn't do anything or I didn't say anything or I didn't try to tell his parents and I sat there and I debated it for a while and I was like should I tell his parents and I knew if I did that it might ruin our friendship forever I knew that he might hate me for the rest of his life but I knew that I didn't want his death on my conscience just because I didn't say something so I ended up calling his mom and told her what was going on how bad his addiction was how he was suicidal and he needed help and she was crying and it broke my heart to hear her cry because she's like a mom to me and he was pissed he got really fucking pissed at me and he didn't want anything to do with me and they ended up having an intervention for him his family did and he called me up and he said Chris can you drive me out to rehab in California tomorrow morning and I said yeah I'll do it and he showed up the next day at 4 a.m. and we drove down to Southern California and checked him into rehab this was coming up on four years ago and he's still clean and sober to this day and that's all because I had to make the decision to do something that would really fucking piss him off at me and not long after actually while he was while he was in rehab is when I got a job at a rehab my life had no direction for a really long time didn't know what I wanted to do didn't know what the purpose of life was and I kind of fell into this job at a rehab center and they knew and most of you know too I'm not a therapist I'm not a psychologist or anything like that but I'm somebody who is tired of seeing people die and it's made me so passionate about what I do when I talk about addiction and mental illness and all these other things working at that treatment center was the best thing that's ever happened to me and it was also the hardest thing to ever happen to me I worked there for a little over three years I helped a lot of people I worked with thousands of clients but during that time I lost over 70 people and that just sounds like a number to everybody but like I want you to think about that just for a second how many lives that is how many people that I met people who sat in my office and talked to me people who had relapsed and come back to treatment and I tried to help them you know 70 people there were so many of those people who I talked to the day before they died I have seen so much death I've done so many memorial services like it's something that I I don't expect anybody to understand and I hope nobody else has to go through that you know what I mean like never in a million years did I think that 70 people that I interacted with would be dead and a lot of them were overdoses some of them were suicides because and I've I've shared this in a video like when we get clean when we get sober like we can become really suicidal and one of the issues is is that whenever somebody would die everybody would ask the same questions that I asked after my ex-girlfriend died like what could I have done differently where there are signs that I should have looked for you know and part of what I do with my channel is I try to educate people because a lot of people don't know what to look for they don't they don't see it and I'm tired man I'm tired because every person who dies or even relapses like for the 70 people who died like I've seen hundreds of more relapses and when it happens everybody is so confused everybody's so confused and it's because we don't talk about mental health we don't talk about addiction we say don't talk about that stuff you know what I mean and we don't talk about it and it happens right in front of our faces so part of my job was to educate people and I would call family members and ask them and follow up and how are these people doing and they had my personal well not personal it was a work cell phone they had that number they could call me and if they were worried about anything and say hey he's he's doing this since he got back home like is this normal is this okay like they're hanging out at bars they're hanging out with their old using buddies should they be doing this right like these are questions and they might seem silly to some of you out there but these are legitimate questions that the loved ones have like I've spoken to mothers and fathers and sisters and brothers and husbands and wives and children of addicts and alcoholics who ask me questions because they don't know what to look for alright and when those people do relapse or god forbid those people pass away I would talk to those loved ones and talk to them through the grieving process that I've been through so many times now while also at that treatment center part of my job was to help people get back into treatment after they relapsed and I've worked with literally thousands of people and I'm telling you man like the like relapse rates are so high and it blows my mind because I could see it as clear as day people who left treatment and did what was suggested of them they went on to live these incredible lives they would not only stay clean believe live these incredible lives but other people who didn't do what was suggested they would relapse and or die and I'm just like fuck man like why can't why can't we just believe what people are telling us why can't we just take these suggestions you know if it wasn't for me taking suggestions when I first got sober I probably would have relapsed I probably would be dead too right but why I started this youtube channel and I was just itching my eye that wasn't a fake tea or anything but while I started this youtube channel is I remember being in group and people were so ungrateful right like there was a lot of people who like thanks thank god to this rehab it saved my life but there was a lot of people who are ungrateful not paying attention and all that stuff and I'm like you know let's screw this I'm like listen I'm like do you know how many people outside of this treatment center would kill to be in your seat right and I worked at an expensive treatment center I'm like screw it why don't I just hop on youtube and start making videos like what I teach in groups and what I teach in one-on-one sessions why don't I try doing that on youtube for all the people who don't have access to this stuff and obviously what I found out was hey you know based on the youtube algorithm you talk about trending topics and things like that and boom now people see your videos now again like don't get me wrong like I I know a lot of you don't know me and you know and things like that but um the idea that we only do this for money like that's nothing new to me I remember working in the treatment center clients when they get really fucking pissed off like you don't care about me you're just working here for the money and I was making pennies there right I'm making even less now but anyways like I get it like nobody's gonna know somebody else's true motives true intentions but I had people who were pissed didn't like what I had to say and you know say that me or their therapist or their psychologist or their doctor was only in it for the money but anyways now that I'm here on youtube I see it happening all over again in this community right like we just lost etica and I think it was Philip de Franco who said it it's like drowning in a room filled with people and everybody's just watching right and I've mentioned this in my etica videos like I was first introduced to him when he was having to stand off with police and like working in addiction slash mental health treatment for three years I saw it I saw it happening right in front of our eyes and I'm like oh my god like he is not in a good place right I made a video when he got out of the hospital and keemstar interviewed him right after and I'm like oh my god and it was because keemstar didn't know he didn't know he didn't have the experience to know that you don't interview somebody who just came out of a mental health facility right and he didn't know and who's going to teach him about that you know and we we watched it happen and the internet fueled that man that gassed him up and there's so many things and so many people have pointed fingers and pointed blame and everything like that I've even had to come out and freaking defend keemstar a guy who I don't like because of all the finger pointing and there's a bunch of articles and videos out there about how the community at large contributed to etica's suicide right and again like people might hear me talking about this and think I'm just being extra or something like that but again I have witnessed a lot of death in my life I've seen it I've seen the patterns that lead to suicide that lead to overdose that lead to relapse I've seen it far too many times so now we're what 16 minutes in let's talk about taylor nicole dean I was first introduced to taylor nicole dean way back in the day way back in the day before a lot of people hated me I would get a lot of requests and everything like that and people I had so many DMs like you need to talk about taylor nicole dean and her animal hoarding you need to talk about taylor nicole dean and her pets that are dying and I'm like I don't know shit about taking care of animals I have one cat well now we have two cats in this house I'm like I don't know anything about that like I got introduced to this whole genre on YouTube about animals and there's a lot of people like hey meet my pets here's me feeding my pets and taylor nicole dean was like this shit at that right and like so I started to do a little research but I didn't do anything with it and I think the first time I actually talked about it might have been when she first opened up about her addiction right and I talked about it because her boyfriend at that time Johnny Craig he was addicted to and I just shared my experience about people introducing other people to drugs and like and things like that right so that's when the community came over to my channel and they taught me a little something they said hey Chris not only does she hoard animals not only has she had animals die but her boyfriend Johnny Craig has been accused of rape right and I'm like shit and I didn't know that and I'm like okay like then people were telling me that taylor nicole dean defended him and called the other women liars and I'm like oh shit like that's crazy and I didn't want to touch that with a 10 foot pole so anyways taylor nicole dean ended up going to rehab and I made a video I made a video saying how proud I was of her and how hard it is to get clean get sober and how taking that step to go to treatment is such a big big deal and she came back from treatment and that's when I made a video and after like a couple weeks of her kind of being inactive like even on my video I have a lot of people saying that she looked high and everything like that and I I never like accusing people of being high unless there's like some really good evidence right like I mentioned this in one of the recent videos like when we first get clean we have a lot of ups and downs and everything it's just part of the process but then time went by and people said do you know any like what's going on with taylor nicole dean she kind of disappeared again and everything I'm like huh and I'm like I hope she's doing all right you know because in my experience you know my last seven years being clean like when people are early in recovery and they kind of disappear like it's not a good sign and then you know I can't remember if somebody DM me or I just caught it like she just got out of treatment I'm like oh shit she went back and I made a video I made another video just the other day talking about how proud I was of her for not giving up going back in there breaking up with her boyfriend johnny Craig and all of those things and this is where all the shit started because she started seeing a dude that she met in rehab now I've been clean for seven years I'm not going to go back over all this I've explained it thoroughly in my videos but I've been clean for seven years I've worked in a rehab I've seen rehab relationships and romances and all that stuff right and here's here's my concern when I saw this happening and I saw people defending and I saw some people calling her out there's one story that stuck in my head that just popped out because again I've worked with many many clients in different stories like whenever I see something like I remember different situations of what happened and long story short there was a a guy in rehab and uh he didn't want to be there his family forced him to be there he hated being there he slept through 90% of the groups or he ditched the groups if he did attend groups and he was awake he would cause disturbances he would bug the other clients he would interrupt just all sorts of things right now I'm like fuck man you know um I was worried about him and he left and part of my job was to follow up with clients after they left and I ended up calling him up to see how he was doing and I talked to his mom and his his mom picks up the phone I'm like hey it's Chris I'm the alumni coordinator you know just wanted to see how you know your son's doing and she's like oh yeah you know I don't know how he's doing he's been staying home a lot and staying in bed and everything like that I'm like okay and she's like yeah but I've been going to a lot of Alanon meetings I'm like fucking cool right like I wish I wish everybody's families would go to Alanon meetings what I try to teach people is like you can't expect that they're not always going to but when I hear a family member going to Alanon I'm like that is fucking awesome if you don't know what Alanon is it's for loved ones to learn how to deal with drug addicts and alcoholics right so I was like that's cool like right on and I was just like so what about him has he been going to meetings since he left because the rehab I worked at it was 12 stepbies based we always suggested people go to 90 meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor and all those other things she's like no he said he didn't have to go to meetings I'm like come again and she's like yeah he he said you know after doing groups and talking to a therapist and psychologist they told him that he was fine and he doesn't need to go to meetings or anything like that because he he was taught that we're the problem and we need to go to meetings and understand his addiction and we need to learn how to be more accepting of him and everything like that and like a record scratch goes off of my fucking head I'm like wait what I'm like so he came home and he told you that we said nothing was wrong with him it's all your fault I'm like no no no no that's that's not that's not what we teach people you know um and I had to educate her about that and stuff and I'm not sure what ended up happening this was a year or two ago but again when I saw this Taylor and Nicole think uh Taylor and Nicole Dean thing going down it reminded me of that story and I have to sit here and think right like Taylor Nicole Dean's recovery is none of my fucking business and some of you have said that it is absolutely none of my fucking business but a concern I have is motivating people to do things that are very risky right like I imagine the person who's watching that and they get inspired to go to rehab but then they also get inspired to start dating somebody in rehab or hooking up with somebody in rehab which could end up taking them back out into their act of addiction so I make my videos for those people and I'm sorry if that hurt Taylor Nicole Dean's feelings well it did and I apologize for that but we have to talk about these things because because again like I've been doing this for seven years I've met thousands of addicts I've seen so many horror stories I've seen stories of relapse I don't have enough time in a day to talk about how many rehab relationships I've seen just go absolutely sideways I'm talking about violence I'm talking about like attempted murder I made a video about this like a month or two ago like I just hope that some of you understand where I'm coming from and again it is not like I don't make these videos to purposely piss people off or anything like that but when somebody with influence is influencing other people I don't want to sit back idly and just watch and I don't know like I have no delusion that Taylor Nicole Dean changed her mind about this whole thing because of my fucking videos I don't but maybe maybe she's like okay maybe this isn't a good idea I don't know right and like I hope she stays clean I hope she stays sober like one of my best friends he's been sober seven years too early in recovery he got in a relationship they dated for a while it ended in heartache he came this close to relapse but he made it through you know and like I said I did everything wrong my first year every fucking thing wrong the only thing I did right was I didn't get drunk or high you know what I mean but I look at myself as one of the lucky ones I've seen so many people relapse for far far less than the dumb shit I've done you know so I try to speak up and share my experience about what I've witnessed with all the people that I've talked to and met and you know and all those other things but anyways this is a long ass video and if you made it this far thank you like this whole thing like I don't know um I'm not like taking a break or anything but like this is like I just I'm I'm going to do my best not to make a YouTube video like just to stay the fuck off of YouTube for a couple days like because I pissed a lot of people off and I hope this video helped some people understand you know like I get it I get why Taylor Nicole Dean is pissed off I get why other people are pissed off and everything like that but again a lot of people just don't have experience with addiction with recovery with people in their lives and everything like that and I just hope to educate people so if they see somebody who gets back home from rehab they know what science will look for or if they know somebody who can't afford rehab and goes to 12-step meetings they they know what things to look for you know what I mean but yeah um I'm gonna stay off YouTube for a couple days probably this weekend um I'll probably still be posting on Instagram and stuff I'm gonna try to stay off Twitter too I can be a jackass on Twitter um but anyways again thanks if you watch this whole thing thanks and uh yeah feel free to leave comments down below because we made a deal at the beginning don't leave a comment until you watch the whole video and that's what you just did all right uh love you guys stay well and uh I don't know if you guys ever have any questions like for me like feel free to just like contact me I okay all right Chris you need to shut the fuck up but anyways I've actually talked to a lot of people in DMs the last few days and just like having these conversations like I love I like having one-on-one conversations I like to get to know people and them get to know me you know what I mean like so if you have any questions or whatever like feel free to reach out I'm always willing to talk all right but anyways I'll shut the fuck up now I'll see you guys later