 So I asked people on Instagram, what marriage advice low key has saved you from divorce? And here's the best ones we got. All right, talk about the possibility of falling in love with other people and what it would look like not to be monogamous, even if you're not going to do it. The conversation really opens up where your insecurities lie and what you need to work on being more independent. You don't have to share everything about your life. It's okay to have a few secrets. If you took an edible on your girl's trip and flashed someone while you were high as a kite, keep it to yourself. It will forever make you just a little bit mysterious. Make him feel like he made the decisions, even though you guided him to it. This should be on a Hallmark card. If you don't like the same room temperature, just change it after they fall asleep. Living together only on the weekends, distance makes the heart grow fonder. This is called living apart together and it's a growing trend. It's a growing trend for a reason. It works for a lot of people. That's tough. Keep your man milked. Sometimes you gotta make him come so everyone can be happy. Our friend Apeon has a full standard special about this. Stop micromanaging chores. If it's done, it's done. Who cares how? I'm gonna add to this one and say, this is actually something that I've picked up in the past few days. You can't expect for what matters to you to matter to your partner, so let it go and just do that thing. Have sex with your partner, even when you're not in the mood or you're sick. We go by this, but not everybody does. But we've been going by this. Yeah, devotion. Marry someone from a different culture. It forces you to communicate all expectations. It's okay for a woman to be submissive. You don't have to win every fight. It's okay for a man to be submissive. You don't have to win every fight. I didn't write this. Well, I'm just adding in what needed to be said. I'm giving what needed to be given. Hey there, lovers and friends. Today we're gonna do a video that I'm surprised we haven't done a lot sooner. Yeah. Controversial secrets to making a marriage last. AKA more reasons to give people to talk shit on our relationship. No, it's not. Of course it is. No, it isn't. It's not our controversy only. We're including other people's controversies. Okay. The point of this video is to state that a lot of the things, like the secret magic, the it factor, the lube, the juge, the sauce, the undercurrent isn't the thing that you write on a wedding card when you hand to somebody. It's not like don't ever go to bed mad. It's the thing that you don't say that really makes it work. And that's what we wanna say today. Make sure you guys communicate. Yeah. Make sure that you guys are knowing that you will fight. Which those are valid points. Are they? We're saying it's the secret. And in order for it to be a secret, it has to be a thing that doesn't get said aloud a lot. And if anything, this channel is all about saying the things that we don't say aloud a lot out loud. That's the truth. Thanks babe. But we can't give away all of our secrets without asking for something in return. Yes. And what we need from you in return, the breeze is breezing right now so I'm just in it. What we're asking for you in return is to watch this video from our sponsor. A short message. What's going on, lovers and friends? I just wanna take a quick second to shout out Audible. Who is the sponsor of this video? Audible is the leading provider of spoken word entertainment from best sellers, new releases, celebrity memoirs, languages, business, motivation and so much more. Plus you can find the game of desire on there. It's my wife's audio book. Read by her. Shoot, if you love audio, you'll love Audible. So if you haven't checked them out by now, give the 30 day free trial a try. Visit audible.com slash shambudy to start listening now. Or if you're in the US, you can text shambudy to 500-500 again. That's audible.com slash shambudy or text shambudy to 500-500. Jared Brady, well I'm all beyond specified and it's hard to tell me no right now and to tell me I'm not perfect. You're perfect. What is the secret to making our marriage last? And don't take mine. I don't know what yours is. You've been taking mine. What's yours? What is yours? The shut the fuck up filter. I wasn't gonna say that. You probably were. I wasn't. Is that what you're saying right now? I have a better way of saying it. I'll go first. Here you go. Might as well. It's just so you don't take my shit. The secret to a long lasting marriage isn't in communication in what you do say per se, but a lot of it isn't what you don't. Elaborate. Do you feel good about that? No, I don't know what you're talking about. You think that was a good mic drop moment? Maybe. Let me try it again. The secret to a vivacious, healthy, long lasting, fruitful marriage isn't just about what you say, it's also about what you don't. That was better. Thank you. The shut the fuck up filter. The boom, the infamous. It's very important to not let your partner know everything that you're thinking, especially as it pertains to the things that they do that bothers you. So how do you go about explaining what you don't like in your partner? You've got to really pick and choose your battles. And honestly, I am more honest with you than anybody else in the world. And I say this all the time. If you ever want to know how I really feel about something, you can talk to Jared. That to be said, there is still 40% of the things about you that you don't know that I think. Yeah, I probably do know though. Really? Yeah. You wear it on your face sometimes. Okay, what's the thing that you think that I don't say that you don't know, but? I can't think offhand, but I can imagine the face that you have. What is it? It's like, so I can imagine it. I think a lot of times when you don't say anything, they're like kind of part to me that probably will never change. So you just keep it to yourself. Yeah. Are you gonna, what? What's the point of that point? Well, it's like, you're not holding back from things that are like, will truly affect the way you feel for me. Right, I'm not holding back about things that would truly affect the way that I feel about you. It's just more everyday, small, inconsequential things. And don't get me wrong, sometimes in the moment, because we do and share a lot together, they can feel in the moment like they're really annoying, but then I have to just take a minute and just think like, man, what's the value in saying this and disrupting our flow versus just rolling over it? How often when you do do that, does either the problem subside or it gets better? Sometimes I'm pleasantly surprised of like, oh, I don't like the way that you're doing something. And then I let it play out and I'm like, oh, that actually works out better than I thought. But there's never a time where I can kind of get the gist from you and then adjust in the moment or do I just continue doing the things that you don't like? I don't know, I don't have an example. I can think of a lot of things that like, I think of things that I can think of that like, oh, that kind of bugs me that I don't say anything. I mean, there's often things that I do say that bother me, like you shaving in the bathroom and letting your small hairs go everywhere. But I've been shaving outside now. No, you don't. Cause the other day I was mopping it up in the bathroom. Lies. No, it's not a lie. Before we went on the trip this weekend, I was like, it were all over the place, not just in one area. Literally every sink on the toilet, on the ground. I got some glasses coming in the mail so maybe I'll be able to see them better. Okay. Is that a plug to your sponsor? No. Why'd you, why'd you snap at me? Cause I'm just telling you that, that yeah, maybe my eyesight's very bad and I just don't see it. That's not true. You would, you do not see yourself in the bathroom. How can you say what I see? You don't see yourself walking to the bathroom and shaving when I explicitly said, please do this outside. First off, do you think that those are the only hairs that were left behind? Like, do you think that's all the hair that ever came off my face? Yeah. There was a lot. There was a lot. You don't see how many, one day what I'm gonna do. I think you're sleep shaving. What I'm gonna do is I'm going to shave and not clean it up at all so you can see the full extent. I don't want that. But I just want to let you know that I do clean it. I don't want that. I just want to let you know that I do clean it. And, you know. What percentage of things that bother you about me do I not know about? I wouldn't say like 60%. 60%. Yeah. 60%. I mean, what you do that bugs me is like one of those things that I think it's gonna happen in any person I'm with. So it's just one of those things where I'm like, I'm just gonna get used to this. Yeah. Yeah. So it's just what it is. I actually wrote in my book, The Game of Desire, about the importance of agreeableness. How agreeableness is the number one trait which determines people's likelihood of having a successful long-term relationship. And a lot of people bumped up against that. Yeah, because it sounds like bitch-ness. It sounds like being a doormat. Yeah. And just rolling over and always being, and you know, at the end of the day, it's not that that. I mean, don't get me wrong. I have the opposite problem that some people might have. If you're a people pleaser, you probably don't need this advice because you spend your whole entire world not saying how you actually feel. I'm somebody who has made a career out of speaking my mind and speaking my voice. And so in a relationship, I can tend to use those same tools and it doesn't really apply here. When I was growing up, I will say this, my parents always had the argument of you only like things that you picked. So you only like the vacation spots that you chose. Is it true? If you chose the restaurant. I mean, it is true for me. It's true for I think anybody. So because I had that narrative playing in my head, sometimes when you choose something and I don't like it, I'm like, just shut up because he liked it and it feels good when you pick something and somebody else is like, this is great. Yeah. Yeah. And I think with the note on people not having a good reaction to the agreeableness thing, I think it's very important to note that being agreeable in a relationship is not lowering your standards. Your standards will still be the same. It's just your expectation is different. And so you have to just really, if there's something that you to your core do not agree with, we're not saying don't speak up about that. We're talking about just little things like dinner or places to eat or styles of music and small things that are not like. Leaving tea bags in the sink. Shaving. So the things that are just not like detrimental to your relationship. Yeah. And so, you know. The way somebody talks, the way that they interact with their friends. How much time they spend in the bathroom. How much time they spend in the bathroom. Things like that. Let it go. Okay. That's your tip? Yes. Okay. One of my top secret tips to having a happy marriage is you got to be selfish. Now I know that sounds crazy on the top end. What are you thinking? You smiled like you had a bar. So I knew it was going to be something spicy. Well, you have to be selfish. And what I mean by that is when you're not selfish in the sense of pursuing your passion, doing the things that you want to do, having your own life, you're going to feel like you don't have any identity and you cannot love your woman or in some cases their man with a full heart. You're not going to be able to give her everything in that moment or give him everything in that moment because you're unfulfilled in your individual life. So you have to be selfish in some sense. Do you know what psychological motivational theory that you're drawing from right now? Give it to me. Maslis hierarchy of needs. See, I don't even know what that means. Can you explain it? The Maslis hierarchy of needs essentially states that in order to get to a place where you can tend to the needs of others, it's like a pyramid. Okay, I've heard of this. Yes. So I agree with that heavily. And I think that it's a lot of people, selfishness has been beaten out of humanity because a lot of times when people think of selfishness, they think of someone doing something only for their own needs. But in a real way, it's like in the relationship sense, I am pursuing my passion, living to my highest potential, being selfish about what I want and need out of this life. While then I know in turn, I'm going to be able to give you more of me because I am more of me by pursuing my passions. Yes. So I just think that tip is not talked about a lot. I think a lot of times, especially women, they get their advice when they get into marriage, they have to be submissive and they have to be kind of, I don't want to say a slave, but they're just, they're catering to their man. Or catering to the child. Or catering to the child. Or catering to the home. Exactly. And so and vice versa for the man, it's they get that same narrative like a happy wife, happy life, you know what I mean? So whatever the wife wants, you got to give you. I talked to a lot of old couples who've been married for a long time. And then like, if I asked the dude a question, he's like, whatever the wife thinks, you know what I mean? So I just think there's a level of selfishness that should be in the marriage on both parts to bring back to the whole unit. Can I give you an edit? That I actually got from one of the commenters. Thank you very much for this. Selffulness is me first. Selfish is me only. Okay. So if you're self-full, you're saying, I got to look after my needs, my priorities. I got to make sure that I'm in a good place, that I'm in a good mood. And when I'm self-full, then I can tend to the needs of others, to my child and to my spouse. Yeah. So maybe it's self-full, but that's not going to be the spice. We want to say selfish. You can take it wherever you want to take it, but yeah, that would be my tip. Another tip that I would give, just a bonus tip, just because I'm still talking, because I feel like we ran through that really quickly. But I think another tip to do in a relationship or to have in a relationship is, you have to be able to, you hate this. Put your partner in her place without provoking her ego. Vice versa. She has to be able to put her man in his place without provoking his ego. And what I mean by that is like, let's say there's something bothering you or bothering me about you. I have to not attack you when I am angry, not attack the problem when I am upset. I have to take a step back, figure out what I'm really upset about, come at you with a stern, confident, solid voice that's not derogatory or insulting, and just being like, hey, what you did right there was not okay. And I don't think that we should operate that way. And it's just an actual conversation where I feel that it's strong, it's sturdy, and it also is letting you know that I'm serious without being angry. And I think a lot of times when people try to put each other in their place, they're in an angry state and they hit the ego. They'll say something like, I've talked to you about this about million times. I don't know why you keep coming into this house this way. Why you keep leaving the tea bags in the sink? We've been talking about this for years. Why you keep shaving in there? We've been talking about this. I don't understand. And so you end up provoking my ego and then we don't actually deal with the problem anymore. Now I'm protecting and deflecting and defending and not really understanding where you're angry at. You know what actually is, that's a beautiful point. Humor is also a really great tool in that capacity. Oh yes, yes. Just lightly poking fun at somebody as a way to remind them. And to be honest, like the tea bag thing does stay in my brain. Mind you, I have 30 years in this planet where that was the habit that I formed. So it's gonna take me some time to curb that. But trust me, every time that I do it, I definitely think of you because it is done. I wasn't using that except for, no, it was like a serious moment. I know, I know you weren't. And I know it was a joke. And on the lens of humor, I feel like this is not a controversial tip, but I do think that humor in a relationship is so important. I find that people sometimes look at our relationship and say, because we are so jokey with each other and lighthearted that there's no chemistry between us. But I think that the chemistry is in the humor. Yeah, and at the end of the day, like. It means a lot to me when you laugh at my jokes. Oh. Shout out to everybody who shared their truth in this video, especially our family who formed so much of our ideals about our relationship and in many ways is responsible for the successful loving bond that we share together. I love you, Jared. I love you too. You weren't doing the robot thing with me? No. Okay, anyhow, it is important to listen to other people and to find your truth in that, to be curious about other relationships and lend that curiosity, not just to people that you know, but to experts as well. And that's where tools like Audible can be really, really incredible. And we highly recommend books by Dr. John Gottman. We have listened to a few of those. And right now, this is one that we're into. What's going on, everybody? Back again, what's so dope about Audible is as a member, you get one credit every month. Good for any title in their entire premium section. Plus, what you use with your credit is yours to keep forever in your Audible library. They also have Audible Plus catalog where members get filled with thousands and thousands of audio books, original entertainment, guided fitness and motivation, sleep tracks for better rest and podcast. I love Audible. If you haven't checked them out by now, give the 30-day free trial a try. Visit audible.com slash shambooty to start listening now. Or if you're in the U.S., you can text shambooty to 500-500. Again, that's audible.com slash shambooty. Or text 500-500. Right now, we're listening to Love Last by Dr. John Gottman, PhD in Nan Silver. Plus, you can listen to Game of Desire, like I said earlier, read by Shan. The choice is yours. Use your credit for whatever you want. I'ma play, boy. You ain't never got to worry, baby, enjoy. I ain't never gonna miss, I'm like a sex toy. I'ma make sure that you finish, you don't need more. I could keep it low key if you like. I zone in, I don't bite. You the type to give me on site.