 want to see what an accepted personal statement looks like? I'll be breaking down Michael's personal statement on my channel. He'll be sharing it on his channel so wherever you see it, so let's get to it. Thanks for watching for the best medical school personal statement coaching. Definitely hit subscribe and hit that bell. I really appreciate it. So you don't miss a video I post every Tuesday. So I did not officially work with Michael when he was drafting his personal statement, but he bravely shared it with me and so I'm going to dissect it for you today. As a personal statement coach, I have helped hundreds and hundreds of students get into their medical school, law school, residency program. You name a personal statement I have worked with. I've been doing this for many, many, many years, but let's get to Michael's personal statement today. All right. So here we go. Let's jump right into the introduction. On September 11, 2001, our nation was shaken by a small group of men who sought to destroy it. Two planes caused two towers to fall and lives were forever changed. People died, families cried, trauma was all around. Every citizen watched on television the death of innocent nation, a nation of individuals who had only read about war and attacks and evil. Innocence died that day. Children were born into a new nation, one where naivete was replaced with fear and vigilance became the norm. But on a very bad day, good happened. Strangers became friends. There was no longer a nation divided, but instead one nation under God. The dichotomy of gentleness in such a harsh world colored a horrendous tragedy beautiful. Brave men and women were called to action and others who were not called volunteered. One of those volunteers was my dad, a doctor. He boarded a plane at a nearby air force base, kissed my mom and his kids goodbye, and he volunteered to serve. He was humbled and forever changed as he pulled bodies from the wreckage while looking for any sign of life. My dad, who was tough and strong and fearless, was kind and meek and gentle that day. Mahatma Gandhi said, in a gentle way, you can shake the world. My dad, a physician, gently shook the world that day. Solidarity and unity were born from many individuals who shook, who gently shook the world that day. I was only eight years old, but I remember my dad and I remember thinking that one day I too would be a doctor. As a doctor, my hope is that in a gentle way, I will shake this world too. So right off the bat, I really like this kind of variety in sentences, right? So we have two regularly kind of size, kind of long sentences, right? And then we have right here, these kind of short spurts of image, people died, families cried, traumas all around. So, and we repeat that again here, strangers became friends, right? So we have kind of the paragraph goes from something horrific and traumatic to if we could say that there was good, that people kind of put good out at our most horrible moment as a country. And so I think that structurally, strangers became friends and kind of see that happen as well. Midway is nice. So kind of sentence variety is really great. I would say that you can kind of delete this line right here. It's not really advancing the point, but you can go straight into strangers became friends, brave men and women were called to action and others who are not called, right? So you can kind of take out things that aren't directly advancing on the point. Another point is I'm not loving the ellipsis. So the dot dots, right? It paints it a little casual and it kind of connotes that you are leaving something out. That's kind of a choice of writer choice to make here. I usually tell students to avoid quotes, right? So the in a gentle way, you can shake the world. And so here's why usually when students use a quote, they are borrowing. So they're asking the quote to generate content for them information for them. So then they can kind of write about that quote here. The quote is almost secondary. We're using the dad's kind of action call to service to then talk about the quote, right? So the quote is almost kind of in a secondary aspect, asking, giving us more information. So if one, the quote is not too much of a cliche. So a lot of the Gandhi quotes that I see is really be the change you want to see in the world, right? So if it's not a terrible cliche, and you are using it to kind of supplement or to kind of add a new twist to the information, you are already kind of supplying from your own journey to medicine or your own content really. Then I say it's okay here. I was only eight years old, but I remember my dad and I remember thinking so I'm one of two minds. The two remembers it could feel a little clunky or it could be kind of poetic in its repetitive nature and you can kind of, so it depends on your writing. It depends what you want to kind of accomplish in the line. And then here as a doctor, my hope is that in a gentle way, I will shake this world too and kind of reinforce the and kind of reword the quote from Gandhi. And we're, I like that because one, it's kind of setting the tone for, you know, this not kind of a throwaway quote. And two, it's going to thread this theme throughout. All right, let's go to paragraph two. One year after graduating from high school, I chose to serve a two year LDS mission and was called to serve in Chihuahua, Mexico. I was first tasked to learn Spanish and as a result, fell in love with the culture. Being immersed in another culture for two years opened my eyes to the issues of the world. Knowing that I wanted to become a physician, I was afforded the unique opportunity to experience that medical attention in Mexico was not easily accessible. And many never had the opportunity to see physicians when they felt ill. This saddened me as I thought about how those living back home in America, including myself, took our medical system for granted and often complained about a luxury that those in other countries could only dream about. I often thought of the quote by Edmund Burke, the only thing necessary for the triumph evil is for good men to do nothing. When I returned home from my mission, I promised myself that I would not be someone who did nothing. So I am super picky about topic sentences and I'm not really loving this topic sentence just because I think it could do more. I think ideally your topic sentences for your body paragraphs in this personal statement should one, establish your location, which we do here, right? The LDS mission and Mexico, but two, it should also kind of offer a lesson, which we're missing here. So the lesson or takeaway kind of offers insight as to what the rest of the paragraph will be about. So that's kind of something to consider. Another thing I would love to see this kind of middle chunk, right? In story form, like I'd love to see a moment where Michael uses his functional newly learned Spanish skills to attend to a patient, then use a shortened version of this kind of more telling reflection towards the end of the paragraph. All right, paragraph three, I since have worked to close the gap in the accessibility of medical care between those inside and outside of the United States. I have done this by teaming up with a medical organization called Liga International. As a medical charity, we provide free medical care to the people of El Fuerte Sinaloa, Mexico. As a member of this organization, I have the opportunity to learn this language skills I learned while on my mission to translate for the physicians who also volunteer to serve this underserved population. Besides working as a translator, I have scrubbed into surgeries, circulated operating rooms and done additional assessments. Each time I board that tiny plane before sunrise, I remind myself that for this weekend, I have the opportunity to gently shake the world of those in El Fuerte. Okay, so definitely a stronger topic sentence. We have kind of the gap in accessibility and medical care, both domestically and abroad. Here, usually I would save this type of explanation and telling language for your extracurricular activities, right? Those like 15 slots that you have 700 characters and then you pick three most memorable and then you have 1325 characters to talk. So it has a lot of eye plus verb, but the story that follows about Maria, which is unfair because you haven't read it yet, but we will right now, brings this to life, which I like. So let's read that concluding paragraph. I met Maria during one of my weekends in El Fuerte. I was translating for a PA when I learned that I would be telling Maria that there wasn't much we could do for her. Maria presented with spinal tumors that were compressing her spinal cord, resulting in decreased leg mobility. I saw the disappointment in Maria's eyes and I felt helpless. Again, I didn't want to be another person who did nothing. So I struggled to find a way to gently shake Maria's world. I began reaching out to several neurosurgeons that I knew through my work at that trauma center after months of investigating, collaborating with physicians and teaming up with social workers to look for ways in which Maria could be relocated to the US to receive treatment. So that's a little long of a sentence, right? I received a call. Maria was on the other line when I picked up my phone and I heard her smile. I love this because you can't technically hear someone smile, right? So there's a mixed metaphor there, but you still can when someone is kind of really excited. So the imagery is nice. She explained that she was gaining back some mobility and the tumors miraculously shrunk. To this day, I don't know if Maria was telling me the truth, but I do know that I was given the opportunity to serve her and by serving her, I gained just as much. Medicine is about serving others, disease, injury and illness, no, no color, religion, sexual orientation, gender, age or economic status. As a physician, I intend to incorporate service, education, patience and hard work in serving whomever seeks out my service and I feel it an honor to do so. So a very nice, why medicine at the end. So this example is serving as our concluding paragraph for the personal statement. I wanted to show you very quickly the second to last personal statement, right? Had that even though I was saying this is kind of more telling phrases, it does have this like image, spread of image, which is nice. Every time I board that tiny plane before sunrise, like I can see that. And we go into the Gandhi quote again, gently shake the world of those in El Fuerte. We see that again with a specific connection to Maria here, right? So we see the quote kind of throughout, which is a really nice touch. And then I really love this paragraph because I see Michael as if it were like camera over my shoulders in action. And whenever you can show kind of you going above and beyond, I see Michael kind of receive a no or see this roadblock and kind of get creative, get collaborative, talk to people. He's not even medical school yet, right? This is a personal statement, obviously, but he is connecting with neurosurgeons and other physicians and finding ways to try and help. So really going above and beyond whenever you can show action and whenever you can show kind of like your initiative and leadership is fantastic. And if you can do that, obviously related to a medical experience with a specific patient, that really works very, very nicely. All right. So that is a personal statement. Thank you again, Michael for sharing and for allowing me to workshop it. I hope you found this video helpful. If you did, please give us a like. If you want more information on how I formally work with students on the personal statements, secondaries, definitely book your call. The link is in the description below. Share with your pre-med friends and more will come at you soon. Thanks so much. Bye.