 Chapter 4 of Fantasy Fairies and Ghosts, Volume 2. By Various. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. Chapter 4. In which the household state of a great king is described, and afterwards a bloody duel and other remarkable occurrences are treated of. Frowline Ancient was so miserable and distressed that she felt paralyzed in all her members. She was sitting at the window with folded arms gazing straight before her, heedless of the cackling, crowing, and queaking of the fowls. Which couldn't understand why on earth she didn't come and drive them into their roosts as usual, seeing that the twilight was coming on fast. Nay, she sat there with perfect indifference and allowed the maid to carry out this duty, and to hit the big cock who opposed himself to the state of things, and evince decided resistance to her authority. A good sharp wang with her whip, for the love pain which was rending her own heart, was making her indifferent to the troubles of the dear pupils of her happier hours, those which she devoted to their upbringing. Although she had never studied Chesterfield or Nigg, or consulted Madame de Genlis, or any of those other authorities on the mental culture of the young, who know to a haired's breath exactly how they ought to be moulded. In this respect, she really had laid herself open to censure on the score of lack of due seriousness. All that day Corovan Spitz had not shown himself, but had been shut up in the tower with her dapsel, no doubt assisting in the carrying on of important operations. For now, four-line ancient caught sight of the little creature, coming tottering across the courtyard in the glowing light of the setting sun, and it struck her that he looked more hideous in that yellow habit of his than he had ever done before. The ridiculous manner in which he went wavering about, jumping here and there, seemed to topple over every minute and then pick himself up again, at which anybody else would have died of laughing, only caused her the bitterer distress. Indeed, she at last held her hands in front of her eyes, so that she mightn't so much as see the horrid creature at all. Suddenly, she felt something tugging at her dress, and cried down Feldman, thinking it was the Dachshund. But it was not the dog, and what four-line ancient saw when she took her hands from her eyes, was the hare-barren porphyrio von Ochre Adastes, who hoisted himself into her lap with extraordinary deafness, and clasped both his arms about her. She screamed aloud with fear and disgust, and started up from her chair. But Kordovan Spitz kept clinging onto her neck, and instantly became so wonderfully heavy that he seemed to weigh a ton at least, and he dragged the unfortunate inch in back again into her chair. Having got her there, however, he slid down out of her lap, sank on one knee as gracefully as possible, and as prettily as his weakness in the direction of equilibrium permitted, and said in a clear voice, rather peculiar, but by no means unpleasing, adored Anna von Zabel Fau, most glorious of ladies, most choice of bride select. No anger I implore, no anger, no anger. I know you think my people laid waste your beautiful vegetable garden. To put up my palace. Oh, powers of the universe! If you could but look into this little body of mine, which throbs with magnanimity and love, if you could but detect all the cardinal virtues which are collected in my breast, under this yellow, atlas habit. Oh, how guiltless I am of the shameful cruelty which you attribute to me! How could a benevolent prince treat in such a way his very own subjects? But hold, hold, what are words, phrases, you must see with your own eyes, my betrothed, the splendours which attend you. You must come with me at once, I will lead you to my palace, where a joyful people await the arrival of her who is beloved by their Lord. It may be imagined how terrified Fraulein Ancient was at this proposition of Cordovan Spitzes, and how hard she tried to avoid going so much as a single step with a little monster. But he continued to describe the extraordinary beauty and the marvellous richness of the vegetable garden which was his palace in such eloquent and persuasive language that at last she thought she would just have a peep into the marquee, as that couldn't do her much harm. The little creature in his joy and delight turned at least 12 Catherine wheels in succession. And then took her hand with much courtesy, and led her through the garden to the silken palace. With a loud, ah, Fraulein Ancient stood riveted to the ground with delight when the curtains of the entrance drew apart, displaying a vegetable garden stretching away further than the eye could reach, of such marvellous beauty and luxurience as was never seen in the loveliest dreams. Here there was growing and flourishing everything in the nature of coal-walled, rape, lettuce, peas and beans, in such a shimmer of light, and in such luxurience that it is impossible to describe it. A band of pipes, drums and cymbals sounded louder, and the four gentlemen whose acquaintance she had previously made, Heravon Schwartzritig, Monsieur de Racambolle, Signeur de Broccoli, and Panke Pusterwitz, approached with many ceremonious reverences. My chamberlains said Porphyrio von Okeradasties, smiling, and proceeded by them he conducted Fraulein Ancient through between the double ranks of the bodyguard of red English carrots to the centre of the plain, where stood a splendid throne. And around this throne were assembled the grandees of the realm, the lettuce princes with the bean princesses, the dukes of cucumber with the prince of melon at their head, the cabbage minister, the general officer of onions and carrots, the coal-walled ladies, etc, etc, all in the gala dresses of their rank and station, and amidst them moved up and down well onto a hundred of the prettiest and most delightful lavender and fennel pages, diffusing sweet perfume. When Okeradasties had ascended the throne with Fraulein Ancient, Chief Court Marshal Turnit waved his long wand of office, and immediately the band stopped playing, and the multitude listened in reverential silence, as Okeradasties raised his voice and said, in solemn accents, My faithful and beloved subjects, you see by my side the noble Fraulein Annavon Zabelfau, whom I have chosen to be my consort, rich in beauty and virtues, she has long watched over you with the eye of maternal affection, preparing soft and succulent beds for you, caring for you and tending you with ceaseless ardour. She will ever be a true and befitting mother of this realm, wherefore I call upon you to evince and give expression to the dutiful approval, and the duly regulated rejoicing at the favour and benefit which I am about to graciously confer upon you. At a signal given by the Chief Court Marshal Turnit, there arose the shout of a thousand voices, the bulb artillery fired their pieces, and the band of the Carrot Guard played the celebrated national anthem. Salad and lettuce and parsley so green. It was a grand sublime moment which drew tears from the eyes of the grandees, particularly from those of the Cold War ladies. Fraulein Ancient too nearly lost all her self-control, when she noticed that little ochre Adastes had a crown on his head, all sparkling with diamonds, and a golden scepter in his hand. Ah! she cried, clapping her hands. Oh, Gemini, you seem to be something much grander than we thought, my dear Hervon Kurovan spits. My adored Anna, he replied, the stars compelled me to appear before your father under an assumed name. You must be told, dearest girl, that I am one of the mightiest of kings, and rule over a realm whose boundaries are not discoverable, as it has been omitted to lay them down in the maps. Oh, sweetest Anna, he who offers you his hand and crown is Daukas Carota, the first king of the vegetables. All the vegetable princes are my vassals, save that the king of the beans reigns for one single day and every year, in conformity to an ancient usage. Then I am to be queen, am I? cried Fraulein Ancient, overjoyed. And all this great splendid vegetable garden is to be mine? King Daukas assured her that, of course, it was to be so, and added that he and she would jointly rule over all the vegetables in the world. She had never dreamt of anything of the kind, and thought little Kurovan spits wasn't anything like so nasty looking as he used to be now that he was transformed into King Daukas Carota the first, and that the crown and sceptre were very becoming to him, and the king glee mantle as well. When she reckoned into the bargain his delightful manners and the property this marriage would bring her, she felt certain that there wasn't a country lady in all the world who could have made a better match than she, who found herself betrothed to a king before she knew where she was. She was so delighted beyond measure, and asked her royal fiancee whether she could not take up her abode in the palace then and there, and be married next day. But King Daukas answered that eagerly as he longed for the time when he might call her his own, certain constellations compelled him to postpone that happiness a little longer, and that her dapsel von Zabel thou moreover must be kept in ignorance of his son-in-law's royal station, because otherwise the operations necessary for bringing about the desired union with the sylphied Nehabilla might be unsuccessful. Besides he said he had promised that both the weddings should take place on the same day, so Fraulein ancient had to take a solemn vow not to mention one syllable to her dapsel of what had been happening to her. She therefore left the silken palace amid long and loud rejoicings of the people, who were in raptures with her beauty as well as with her affability and gracious condescension of manners and behaviour. In her dreams she once more beheld the realms of the charming King Daukas, and was lapped in Elysium. The letter which she had sent to her Amanda's von Nebelstern made a frightful impression on him. Erelong Fraulein ancient received the following answer, I, doll of my heart, heavenly Anna, daggers sharp, glowing, poisoned, death-dealing daggers were to me the words of your letter, which pierced my breast through and through. Oh Anna, you to be torn from me! What a thought! I cannot, even now, understand how it was that I did not go mad on the spot, and commit some terrible deed. But I fled the face of man, overpowered with rage at my deadly destiny. After dinner, without the game of billiards which I generally play, out into the woods where I wrung my hands and called on your name a thousand times. It came on a tremendously heavy rain, and I had on a new cap, red velvet with a splendid gold tassel, everybody says I never had anything so becoming. The rain was spoiling it and it was brand new. But what are caps, what are velvet and gold to a despairing lover? I strode up and down till I was wet to the skin, and chilled to the bone, and had a terrible pain in my stomach. This drove me into a restaurant near where I got them to make me some excellent mulled wine, and had a pipe of your heavenly Virginia tobacco. I soon felt myself elevated on the wings of a celestial inspiration, took out my pocketbook, and oh wondrous gift of poetry, the love, despair and the stomachache both disappeared at once. I should content myself with writing out for you only the last of these poems. It will inspire you with heavenly hope, as it did myself. Wrapped in darkest sorrow, in my heart extinguished, no love tapers burning, joy hath no tomorrow. Har the muse approaches, words and rhymes inspiring, little verse inscribing, joy returns a pace. New love tapers blazing, all the heart inspiring, fare thee well, my sorrow, joy thy place doth borrow. I, my sweet Anna, so on shall I, thy champion, hasten to rescue you from the miscreant who would carry you off from me. So once more take comfort, sweetest maid, bear me ever in thy heart. He comes, he rescues you, he clasps you to his bosom, which heaves into multuous emotion. You're ever faithful, Amandus von Nebelstern. P.S. It would be quite impossible for me to call Hervan Kurovan spits out, for, oh Anna, every drop of blood drawn from your Amandus, by the weapon of a presumptuous adversary, were glorious poets' blood, I core of the gods, which never ought to be shared. The world very properly claims that such a spirit as mine has it imposed upon it as a public duty, to take care of itself for the world's benefit, and preserve itself by every possible means. The sword of the poet is the word, the song. I will attack my rival with terterian battle songs, strike him to earth with sharp pointed epigrams, hew him down with dithy rambicks full of love as fury, such are the weapons of a true, genuine poet. Powerful to shield him from every danger, and it is so accoutred that I shall appear and do battle, victorious battle for your hand, oh Anna. Farewell, I press you once more to my heart, hope all things from my love, and especially from my heroic courage, which will shun no danger to set you free from the shameful nets of captivity, in which, to all appearance, you are entangled by a demoniacal monster. Frowline Ancient received this letter at a time when she was playing a game of catch me if you can with her royal bridegroom elect, King Daukas Carota I. In the meadow at the back of the garden, and immensely enjoying it when, as was often the case, she suddenly ducked down in full career, and the little king would go shooting right away over her head. Instead of reading the letter immediately, which she had always done before, she put it in her pocket unopened, and we shall presently see that it came too late. Heradapsel could not make out at all how Frowline Ancient had changed her mind so suddenly, and grown quite fond of her porphyrio bonocroedastes, whom she had so cordially detested before. He consulted the stars on the subject, but as they gave him no satisfactory information, he was obliged to come to the conclusion that human hearts are more mysterious and inscrutable than all the secrets of the universe, and not to be thrown light upon by any constellation. He could not think that what had produced love for the little creature in Anna's heart was merely the highness of his nature, and personal beauty he had none, if, as the reader knows, the canon of beauty as laid down by Heradapsel is very unlike the ideas which young ladies form upon that subject. He did, after all, possess sufficient knowledge of the world to know that, although the said young women hold that good sense, wit, cleverness, and pleasant manners are very agreeable fellow lodgers in a comfortable house. Still, a man who can't call himself the possessor of a properly made, fashionable coat, were he a Shakespeare, Goethe, a Tick, or a Jean-Paul Richter, would run a decided risk of being beaten out of the field by any sufficiently well-put-together lieutenant of Hussars in uniform, if he took it in his head to pay his addresses to one of them. Now, in Frowline Ancient's case, it was a different matter altogether. It was neither good looks nor cleverness that were in question, but it is not exactly every day that a poor countrylady becomes a queen all in a moment, and accordingly it was not very likely that Heradapsel should hit upon the cause which had been operating, particularly as the very stars had left him in the lurch. As may be supposed, those three. Hair Porphyrio, Heradapsel and Frowline Ancient were one heart and one soul. This went so far that Heradapsel left his tower oftener than he had ever been known to do before, to chat with his much-priced son-in-law on all sorts of agreeable subjects. And not only this, but he now regularly took his breakfast in the house. About this hour, too, Hair Porphyrio was want to come forth from his silken palace, and eat a good share of Frowline Ancient's bread and butter. Ah! Ah! she would often whisper softly in his ear, if Papa only knew that you are a real king, dearest Kuroven Spitz. Be still, O heart, melt not away in rapture. Daukus Carota the first would say, near, near is the joyful day. It chanced that the schoolmaster had sent Frowline Ancient a present of some of the finest radishes from his garden. She was particularly pleased at this, as Heradapsel was very fond of radishes. And she could not get anything from the vegetable garden, because it was covered by the silk marquee. Besides this, it now occurred to her for the first time that, among all the roots and vegetables she had seen in the palace, radishes were conspicuous by their absence. So she speedily cleaned them and served them up for her father's breakfast. He had ruthlessly shone several of them of their leafy crowns, dipped them in salt, and eaten them with much relish, when Kuroven Spitz came in. O my ochre dasties, Heradapsel called to him. Are you fond of radishes? There was still a particularly fine and beautiful radish on the dish, but the moment Kuroven Spitz saw it, his eyes gleamed with fury, and he cried in a resonant voice. What unworthy duke, do you dare to appear in my presence again, and to force your way with the coolest of audacity? Into a house which is under my protection, have I not pronounced sentence of perpetual banishment upon you, as a pretender to the imperial throne? Away, treasonous vassal, be gone from my sight for ever! Two little legs had suddenly shot out beneath the radishes' large head, and with them he made a spring out of the plate, placed himself close in front of Kuroven Spitz, and addressed him as follows. Fierce and tyrannical dorkous carrow to the first, you have striven in vain to exterminate my race, had ever any of your family a head as large as mine, or that of my king? We are all gifted with talent, common sense, wisdom, sharpness, cultivated manners, and whilst you loathe about in kitchens and stables, and are of no use as soon as your early youth is gone, so that in very truth it is nothing but the Diable de la Genèse that bestows upon you your brief transitory little bit of good fortune. We enjoy the friendship of, and the intercourse with, people of position, and are greeted with acclamation as soon as ever we lift up our green heads. But I despise you, dorkous caroter, your nothing but a low, uncultivated, ignorant bore, like all the lot of you. Let's see which of us two is the better man. With this the Duke of Raddish, flourishing a long whip about his head, proceeded, without more ado, to attack the person of King dorkous caroter the first. The latter quickly drew his little sword, and defended himself in the bravest manner. The two little creatures darted about in the room, fighting fiercely and executing the most wonderful leaps and bounds, till dorkous caroter pressed the Duke of Raddish so hard, that the latter found himself obliged to make a tremendous jump out of the window, and take to the open. But dorkous caroter, with whose remarkable agility and dexterity the reader is already acquainted, bounded out after him, and followed the Duke of Raddish across country. Her dabsal von Zabelthau had looked on at this terrible encounter, rigid and speechless. But he now broke forth into loud and bitter lamentation, crying, oh daughter Anna, oh my poor unfortunate daughter Anna, lost, I, you, both of us, all is over with us, with which he left the room and ascended the astronomical tower as fast as his legs would carry him. Fraulein ancient couldn't understand a bit, or form the very slightest idea, what in all the world had set her father into all this boundless misery all of a sudden. The whole thing had caused her the greatest pleasure. Moreover, her heart was rejoiced that she had had an opportunity of seeing that her future husband was brave, as well as rich and great. For it would be difficult to find any woman in all the world capable of loving a paltrune. And now that she had proof of the bravery of King dorkous caroter I, it struck her painfully for the first time that Heramandus von Nebelstone had cried off from fighting him. If she had for a moment hesitated about sacrificing Heramandus to King dorkous, she was quite decided on the point now that she had an opportunity of assuring herself of all the excellencies of her future lord. She sat down and wrote the following letter. My dear Amandus, everything in this world is liable to change. Everything passes away, as the schoolmaster says, and he's quite right. I'm sure you, my dear Amandus, are such a learned and wise student, that you will agree with the schoolmaster, and not be in the very least surprised that my heart and mind have undergone the least little bit of a change. You may quite believe me when I say that I still like you very well, and I can quite imagine how nice you look in your red velvet cap with the gold tassel. But with regard to marriage, you know very well, Amandus dear, that clever as you are and beautiful as are your verses, you will never, in all your days, be a king. And don't be frightened, dear. Little hair von Kordavanspitz isn't hair von Kordavanspitz at all, but a great king, dorkous Corota the First, who reigns over the great vegetable kingdom, and has chosen me to be his queen. Since my dear king has thrown aside his incognito, he has grown much nicer looking, and I see now that Papa was quite right, when he said that the head was the beauty of the man, and therefore couldn't possibly be big enough. And then, dorkous Corota the First, you see how well I remember the beautiful name, and how nicely I write it now that he has got so familiar to me. I was going to say that my little royal husband, that is to be, has such charming and delightful manners, that there's no describing them. And what courage, what bravery there is in him, before my eyes he put to flight the Duke of Radish, and a very disagreeable and friendly creature he appears to be, and hey, how he did jump after him out of the window. You should have seen him, I only wish you had. And I don't really think that my dorkous Corota would care about those weapons of yours that you speak about one bit. He seems pretty tough, and I don't believe verses would do him any harm at all, however fine and pointed they may be. So now, dear Amandus, you must just make up your mind to be contented with your lot, like a good fellow, and not be vexed with me that I am going to be a queen, instead of marrying you. Never mind, I shall always be your affectionate friend, and if ever you would like an appointment in the Carrot Bodyguard, or, as you don't care so much about fighting as about learning, in the Parsley Academy, or the Pumpkin Office, you have but to say the word and your fortune is made. Farewell, and don't be vexed, with your former fiance, but now friend and well-wisher, as well as future queen, Anna von Zabelthau. But soon to be no more von Zabelthau, but simply, Anna, P.S. You shall always be kept well supplied with the very finest Virginia tobacco, of that you need have no fear. As far as I can see there won't be any smoking at my court, but I shall take care to have a bed or two of Virginia tobacco planted, not far from the throne, under my own special care. This will further culture and morality, and my little dorkers will no doubt have a statute specially enacted on the subject. End of chapter four