 I'm sitting next to my ex-girlfriend, Alexia Moreno. As you guys know, we've been broken up for a while now, guys. She's been posting on her own channel and I haven't even been posting at all. I'm still trying to think about everything that's gone on in that last couple months and kind of reflect on everything. It's just been so hard for me to even make videos right now. But one of the biggest things that's been bothering me about the whole situation is just not being with Alexia. Everything that I'm extremely passionate about is getting out of abusive and toxic relationships. What's up, everybody? This is Chris from the Rewired Soul, where we talk about the problem, but focus on the solution. And if you're new to my channel, my channel is all about mental health. And something that affects our mental health so much is our relationships. But anyways, if you're someone like me trying to actively improve your mental and emotional well-being, make sure you subscribe and ring that notification bell. And yeah, I wasn't even planning on making a video today. It's been a nice, chill day. I finally beat Ori and the Will of the Wisps. Amazing game. My beautiful girlfriend Tristan and I, we watched some YouTube this afternoon. Just finished watching Uncut Gems. That movie is insane. But anyways, I just saw this on Twitter and like I said, this is something that I am very, very passionate about. This video is not for J-Station and Alexia. This video is for you and me, all right, the both of us, okay? Because so many of us, we do this. And it's so easy to watch these public figures like J-Station and Alexia getting in these awful relationships and going back to each other and everything like that and judging it from afar. But I've done it in the past. I know so many people in my life who have done this and we need to talk about it. But first, I'm not going to break down their clips and everything like usual. There are plenty of commentary videos out there. But anyways, J-Station, you guys know he makes those kind of trashy videos, 3AM challenges and everything like that. But anyways, a couple of months ago, I think it was, yeah, him and his girlfriend broke up. He woke up one morning or I think it was the afternoon and she was gone. She pressed charges against him for assault. He started making videos, defending himself. The cops showed up to his house and then she started making videos about this and she talked about the abusive and toxic behavior from J-Station, all right? Now listen, something that I try to do, okay? I try to look at the reason like, no, I'm not a licensed therapist or anything like that. But I've worked with many, many people at the drug and alcohol rehab that I used to work at. A lot of them struggled with mental health issues. It was a dual diagnosis treatment center. And the same thing with me, right? I'm a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. I had a messed up childhood. And for a long time, like especially in my active addiction, I was living in pure chaos and I was the worst boyfriend you could ever meet, all right? Although I was never physically abusive, although I never cheated on a woman or anything, I was an absolute nightmare to date, okay? But anyways, J-Station and Alexia just announced that they're back together and they make this happy, hyped up video about how they're back together and how they're going to work on things. So when I look at this stuff, I'm like, okay, so what's going to happen? What's the move forward? Because J-Station was very open and honest and I empathize with the guy. He talks about the messed up childhood he had, his poor relationship with his parents, and check this out. Like, this is one of the reasons why so many of us need therapy. If you keep getting in toxic relationship after toxic relationship after toxic relationship, go to therapy, okay? My first form of therapy was through 12 step programs and I learned why I kept getting into such awful relationships and why I was such a terrible boyfriend, right? Because J-Station, looking from afar, obviously I don't know the guy, but he talks about this messed up childhood and all his trust issues growing up and now that is spilled over into his relationship. Alexia, in her video she talked about how he was, you know, checking her phone. He was trying to distance her from other people and everything like that. That is something with us. So if you have somebody in your life who doesn't trust you, just realize that is on them, okay? That's not a you issue, unless you're cheating, like, then you're not a very good person if you're doing that. But a lot of that comes from past relationships. We bring that baggage from an old relationship into a new one and something I had to realize when I started getting in new relationships was it is not fair to my new partner to bring stuff from an old relationship into a new one, all right? So they sit there and they discuss how things are going to be different, how things are going to change. And whenever I hear that, especially if it was such a toxic relationship that was verbally abusive, physically abusive, emotionally abusive, whatever it was, when somebody says they're working on themselves and here's what they're going to do, I'm always like, okay, what does that mean? Does that mean individual therapy? Does that mean couples counseling, right? But no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Here's why they believe that this relationship is going to work out. I knew that Alexia wasn't 100% believing what I was telling her when I met her in person. So I wanted to make Alexia a promise that I would never be like that again. And I actually made that promise not only to her face, but I took her out and I bought her these matching rings, guys. Check these rings out. These symbolize the promise that I made to Alexia that I would never do what I did to her before ever again, guys. Like you have to be kidding me. You have to be kidding me right now. So one of my favorite philosophies is something my old mentor taught me and he said, going back to an ex is like drinking spoiled milk. I mentioned this in a video not that long ago, but here's for all of you people who missed it. Getting back with an ex is like pulling milk out of the fridge, drinking it, realizing it's spoiled, putting it back in the fridge, coming back later, weeks, months later, pulling it out and be like, oh my God, I can't believe it's still spoiled, right? Like, it is so difficult for people to change. Usually it takes years of work. Like, even after I got sober, I was a hot mess for that first year or two. I was still not all there. I still had a lot of stuff to work on. So there is no way that either of these two have had the time to work on themselves. So here's the thing. We have to also realize the cognitive dissonance that we have when it comes to relationships, okay? So based on cognitive dissonance theory, it discusses how the more work that we put into something, the harder something is, the more we value it, right? And that's one of the reasons we miss somebody so much and we decide to go back to them sometimes is because we think about all the hard things that we went through. So that's when we got to take a step back and realize, okay, because it was hard, that does not mean that it was good. It was hard because something terrible was going on. And unless there is some kind of life change that a person is doing, there is no reason to go back to them, right? They have to go through some kind of transformation. So in a situation like this, and I've been in this situation in the past, trust me, I try to preach from my own experience, I would ask that person, what are they doing to improve themselves? Anybody can say I'm trying to be better or can promise you they're going to do better. Ask yourself or even ask them, what does that mean? What does that mean, right? Like, if it's not therapy, what is it? They're going to try not to get so mad at you. They're going to try not to get so jealous. The reality is, they were trying that before. It just didn't work because it was buried underneath the surface and it bubbled up. So somebody could say, oh, baby girl, I'm going to try not to get so mad at you this time. I'm going to try not to hurt you this time. What does trying look like, right? Where's your evidence that they are trying? Like, think about that the next time someone in your life says that. And the last thing I want to touch on is they talk about how they went on this glorious vacation, this amazing resort. This all goes back to the honeymoon phase, right? Like, it is so easy for us to, when we get into a brand new relationship or when we get back with an ex, that honeymoon phase when everything's glorious. And I live by a philosophy where a relationship isn't based on how good things are when they're good, but it's how you and your partner get through adversity, right? You get through the inevitable challenges that life is going to throw at you. Just because you had a great vacation with no care in the world, that is not a good example of how good the relationship's going to be, right? So we have to remember that. Like, I'm not telling you to go into a brand new relationship all super pessimistic, but just dial back that emotion and try to think rationally. Like we all know, like when we get love struck, we are extremely irrational. But do what you can to pause and be mindful of it and be like, oh, okay. Like, my emotions are really high right now and I'm forgetting about previous relationships where I jumped into something too soon or when getting back to an ex, we're forgetting about all those terrible times. I don't know what it is, but when it comes to getting back with an ex, our brain focuses on all the good times, but it forgets all of the bad times, right? And when it comes to J-Station and Alexia, she was talking about how he like threw things at her. He was trying to distance her from her friends. In a lot of cases, this is like one of the primary signs of an abusive relationship. It's trying to isolate somebody from friends, family members, whoever it is. And it takes a lot of work for someone to fix their stuff. And don't get me wrong, I wish the best for these two. I hope the best for them. But for all you viewers out there, we can't just sit around here and watch this stuff. There's gonna be a million commentary videos on this situation, but we need to turn it back around, look at ourselves, and see what kind of relationship patterns we have and what we're struggling with so we can improve our own lives. You know what I mean? But anyways, that's all I got for this video. If you liked this video, please give it a thumbs up. If you're new, make sure you subscribe and ring that notification bell. And a huge, huge thank you to everybody who supports the channel over on Patreon, as well as everybody who supports the channel by buying my mental health books at therewiredsoul.com and everybody who supports the channel by getting merch at the merch store, all right? Thanks again for watching. I'll see you next time.