 That's right folks, C for comedy, A for Abbott, M for Maxwell, E for Ennis, L for Luke Costello. Put them all together and they spell Camel. Experience is the best teacher. Try a Camel. Let your own experience tell you why more people are smoking camels than ever before. And draw up a chair for tonight's Camel Show starring but Abbott and Luke Costello. Hey, Costello, Costello, come here, come over here. Why are you late again? Well, Abbott, I stopped at the Muses Show to get one of our records of our baseball routine. But there was a guy in there ahead of me and bought every one they had. Who was it? Leo Tarocha. He wants to find out who's out first. Well, all right then. But happy channeler won't tell him. All right, well, all right, forget about it. How are you doing on that job I got you last week? Oh, forget that. What do you mean? The job? Yeah. Well, I worked there five days and the man fired me. Five days? Isn't that pretty short notice? Sure. I'd defy anybody to find out how dumb I am in five days. All right. Where'd you say anybody? All right, all right. I'm not doping that back. I know, that's what I know. That should teach you. You know, that should teach you the value of education, though. That should teach you the value of education. Education? Yes. Did you graduate from college? No. High school? No. Grade school? No. You're getting hot. Well, no, wait a minute. Doesn't that make you an ignoramus? No, but it sure helps. Anyhow, if my folks could afford to send me to school, we were so poor, my mother used to send me out on the street to beg for a piece of whole wheat bread. Why whole wheat bread? We were poor, but we were proud. But I had a happy childhood habit. You did? Every morning I'd take my father's hand and we'd walk to school together. And then at 4 o'clock I'd call from and take him home again. I'd tell you my... Oh, man, what's going to school? I'll take him home. Man, I know. I'd tell you your mother must have had a struggle with that family. But now you can make it. You can make up to her. You can make up for everything. Remember, that Sunday is Mother's Day. That's right, Abbott. Next Sunday is Mother's Day. Oh, then you do remember Mother's Day. Sure, my mother always sends me something. Why, you idiot? You're supposed to send your mother something. Now, last year I sent my mother a check for $100. By the way, that reminds me. I never did get that check back from the bank. No, but I'll bet your mother did. I... Please, come here. No remarks like that, Castella. My checks are good. I have plenty of money. Why, it cost me $10,000 a year just to live. Abbott, it ain't worth it. No, it's hard to have. Please, don't mind that. What are you going to send your mother this year? I think I'll get her a friend to 1947 Cadillac. Where can you get a 1947 Cadillac? You can get all you want of them from the Cadillac Company if you're a property owner. Boy, no, but what kind of property do you have to own? The Cadillac Company. The Cadillac Company. Hey, you idiot. You haven't got enough money to buy a new car. Oh, no. Then I'll send out my collection of rare coins. I got it right here. Look, Abbott. Two quarters, three dimes, and a nickel. Well these are not rare coins. With me they are. Abbott, will you let me $10 to buy my mama a nice present? No, I will not. If you need money, I know where you can get $1,000 just for spending the night in a haunted house. Good. That's just the kind of job I've been, been, been, been. What's the matter, what's the matter? What kind of house did you say that was? A haunted house. You see, the owner wants to sell it, and he's willing to give $1,000 to the first man that was spied in the night there to break the spell. You know, the spell of the ghosts. Ah, but I ain't going to get mixed up with no ghosts. What do you mean? When people stop walkin' and talkin', I'm throwin' them. Oh, yeah. Not that dopey. Castella ghosts is not real. When you see a ghost you see an apparition. Abbot, when I had my apparition for epirentisitis, all I saw was a docketer and a beautiful nurse. No, no, no, no. I'm not talking about an apparition. I'm talking about an apparition. Apparition like in hallucination. Abbot, what in hallucination are you talking about? Bastello, I'm talking about ghosts, spooks to you. Abbot, that ghost may spook to me, but I ain't spooking to him. I ain't holding up conversation with those strange ghosts. You can't speak to a ghost. No, you just said a ghost spook to me. You idiot. A spook is a ghost. You have nothing to be afraid of because of the ghost is the house. You see, the house is only a rumor. Boy, well, what'd you say? And I really mean, what did you say? I said that the house is only a rumor. I wouldn't care if it was the little one. I love you, dummy. This ghost is a rumor. A rumor is a tale. A vicious tale. That did it. I ain't going to know how sweet as a ghost would a vicious tale. No, no, no, no. Listen, Gastel, I'm trying to explain to you what a ghost is. Now, let's take, for example, a ghost motion picture. Did you see the ghost picture that Irene Dunn did? Dunn did, yeah. What kind of talk is that? You mean Dunn Dunn? No, no, no. Look, Gastel, Irene Dunn did a picture, a ghost picture. Did you see the picture that Irene Dunn did? Look, Abbot, if Irene Dunn did it, I done saw it. You all? Oh, no. Gastel, please. Well, you listen to me, I'm talking about the star Irene Dunn. Now, you know that Dunn does pictures. Dunn doesn't? Well, shut my mouth. I didn't know that Dunn doesn't. I thought that does, doesn't. No, that's everything. Yeah! Look, Gastel, I'm talking about the ghost picture that Irene Dunn did. When I say that Irene Dunn did a picture, I don't mean that Irene Dunn done a picture. I mean that Irene Dunn did a picture, and the picture that Dunn did is what Dunn's done. Oh, when you say that Irene Dunn did a picture, you don't mean that Irene Dunn done a picture, you mean that Irene Dunn did a picture, and the picture that Dunn did is what Dunn's done. Now, you've got it. Now, I've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Ah! Experience is the best teacher. Give him a little more play, Mrs. Newstead. Won't be long now, he's getting tired. Me too, this beach sea fishing is exercise. Mrs. Dorothy Allen Newstead, the holder of the International Women's All Tackle Record for Cobia, had to learn just like everybody else. It took experience to become a champion. As Mrs. Newstead said, Experience is the best teacher in deep sea fishing. Best teacher with cigarette too. After all the different brands I smoke during the war shortage, I really appreciate camels. Yes, experience is the best teacher. Experience during that war shortage taught millions the differences in cigarette quality. People tried one brand after the other on their t-zones. That's tea for taste and tea for throat as they smoked whatever cigarettes they could get. Result? Today, more people smoke camels than ever before. Experience is the best teacher. Try a camel. And while you light up a camel, hear Skinny Annas with Mamzel. A small cafe, Mamzel. Our rendezvous, Mamzel. The violins were warm, sweet. And so were you, Mamzel. And as the night ends far, a kiss became a sign. Your lovely eyes seem to sparkle just like wonders. No heart ever yearns the way that man does for you. And yet I know too well someday you say goodbye. Then violins will cry from so long, Mamzel. Your lovely eyes seem to sparkle just like wonders. No heart ever yearns the way that man does for you. And yet I know too well someday you say goodbye. Then violins will cry from so long, Mamzel. Well, Costella, have you been thinking about taking that job in the Haunted House? $5,000 by your mother, a nice present for Mother's Day. Yes, Abbott, I've been thinking of the ghost all day. I even want to see the ghost picture that Irene Dunn did. There's an old guy in that picture that takes beautiful girls into the Haunted House, and they're never seen again. That old man must be a fiend. He may be a fiend, but he ain't no dope. Well, I continue here. Oh, yes, yes, yes. You should have seen what went on in the Haunted House. In the first scene, there's a gunshot and a body. Murder? Murder. In the second scene, there's a gunshot and another body. Murder? Murder. In the third scene is a beautiful blonde sweater girl. Murder? Murder. Well, never mind that. Hey, here's the office of the real estate broker who is offering that reward to the man who will spend the night in the Haunted House. Castellar, you're going to earn that money, and you can send $1,000 to your mother. Yeah, my mother could use that money to help one of our relatives get cured of a nervous breakdown. Who's the relative with the nervous breakdown? After I spend the night in that Haunted House, me. Now, dog sands are going in there and get you that job. Well, good morning, gentlemen. What can I do for you? Well, my friend, Castello, wants to spend the night in your Haunted House and earn that $1,000. Oh, yes. As the cow said to the farmer with the big hands, boy, what a jerk. Tell me, Castello, have you ever had any experience with ghosts? Oh, sure. One time I saw a whole flock of ghosts sitting around a campfire. What were they doing? Telling people stories. Oh, good. Well then, Castello, you'll take the job. Not me. I ain't spending the night in the Haunted House. Castello, you're not afraid of ghosts. You're not a spineless jellyfish. You're not a sissy britches. You're not a cringing yellow coward. You want a bet? Mr. Brown, Castello will take the job. Oh, goody, goody, goody. Castello, the job is yours. Here's the address of the Haunted House. And the skinny ant has said to Marilyn Maxwell, here's the key. Well, I'll see you tomorrow morning, I hope. Well, come on, Castello. Let's go across the street to that bookstore and I'll buy you a book on how to handle ghosts. Look out. Look out for that car, Castello. Look out. Well, what do you know? He stopped for us. Must be an Easterner. Castello, it's nice. Right, skinny in this. Skinny, Castello's going to spend the night in the Haunted House. Oh, yeah? Yep. You know how your house used to be haunted? It was haunted by the ghost of a bottle of bourbon. Oh, you're not skinny. How could a bottle of bourbon, a bottle of bourbon can die? Oh, no. That was the night my father killed it. Abbot, if that skinny ever becomes a ghost, he will need a sheet. An empty teabag would cover him. Don't mind him. Let's go into the bookstore. Ask that lady over there where the ghost books are. I saw her. Pardon me, miss. Could you tell me where we? Well, if it isn't Mr. Orbit and Mr. Costello, you fart little man you. Well, well, miss, what are you doing here in the bookstore? Oh, I just roped into bruise among the best suitors. Best suitors? Oh, well, but you know what best suitors are. That's like Faroofer Ombore and how groan was my bully. By any chance, have you read Uncle Toom's Kubin? Yaus. Well, I'd prefer the three little koutans who lost their mutants. Well, I must be totaling along. As we say in Siamese, oh, the sake pull a kattashisa in Kessi to you. And an old sock full of kattashisa in a Kessi to you, too. Come on, Tass, fellas. Come on. Let's look for the ghost book. Hey, say, there's Marilyn. Ah, lovely Marilyn Oldsmobile. Marilyn Oldsmobile. You mean Marilyn Maxwell. Abbott, did you ever see a Maxwell with a chassis like that? Right. Hello, Mr. Abbott. Hello, Lewis Darling. Marilyn Darling, every time I see you, my heart goes pitter-pattery, knock, knock, pitter-patter, knock, knock. What's the knack for? My engine always knocks when it's warm enough. Glad, Castella. Marilyn, Castella is going to make $1,000 by spending the night in a haunted house. Oh, Lewis, aren't you afraid? Afraid of what? Well, well, suppose while you're sitting there in that haunted house, an ugly, old, decrepit, hideous face should appear before you. That's one thing I don't have to worry about. Abbott's got a date tonight. All right. Come on, Castella. We've got to get that ghost book. Come on. Lewis, do you remember the last time we met in this bookstore, when the clerk wasn't looking? You, you kissed me. Shame on you, Castella, making love to Marilyn in a public bookstore. Where did you kiss her? Between the novels and the natural history. I haven't. I haven't. Lewis, Lewis, would you like for me to come and sit with you tonight in that haunted house? I couldn't let you do that, darling. Suppose a ghost should come up and put his arms around you. Oh, a ghost wouldn't do that. Every ghost has his own ghoul friend. You'd find out. Well, come on, Castella. It's getting dark. We've got to get over to that haunted house. Well, Castella, here's the haunted house. Roto, what a spooky looking joint. Oh, Abbott. What's the matter? Abbott. There's a big black thing following me. You don't bet your shadow. Yeah? Then why ain't it doing what I'm doing? Never mind that. Open the door. Abbott, it's dark in here. I ain't going to stay in this house. Oh, don't be silly, Castella. There's nothing to be scared about. Careful, Castella. Don't step on that cat's tail. OK, Abbott. Abbott. Abbott, who said that? I told you not to step on that cat's tail. I don't see any cat. There is no cat. Just the tail. Hello, presents lovely Marilyn Maxwell from Metro Golden Mayor, produces of the Technicolor Picture the Yearly. For camel fans everywhere, Marilyn sings. Beware, you're getting in too deep. Take care. This is a bit too steep. Don't listen to the lill of his lovely laughter, or you will crawl loaded with dynamite. You can never finish a dream. You weren't meant to stop loaded with dynamite. Never finish a dream. You were. Consider your T-zone. That's T for taste and T for throat. Your true proving ground for any cigarette. Would your taste like the rich, full flavor of choice, superbly blended tobaccos? Then try a camel. Would your throat welcome cool, mild smoking? Then try a camel. Yes, see if camels don't suit your T-zone to a T. When free leading independent research organizations asked 113,597 doctors this question, what cigarette do you smoke, doctor? The brand named most was camel. Yes? According to a recent nationwide survey, more doctors smoke camels than any other cigarette. Well, come on, Costello. It's almost 12 o'clock midnight. If you want to get that $1,000, you'd better get inside that haunted house and stay there until morning. Abbott, there must be something awful wrong with that house. Why? It's been vacant two years, not even a veteran has tried to rent it. Hey, Abbott, look. What's the matter? I see two hands in front of me. Now they're coming together. What is it? 12 o'clock. It's 12 o'clock. Na, na, na, na, na, na, na. Glow some watch time. That must be Pacific ghost time. Hey, Abbott, I'm getting out of here. There's a guy I want to see outside. Oh, me. See you later. I'll come back here, you sissy. Look over there, Abbott. There's a ghost in the corner. I think it's a lady ghost. What makes you think it's a lady ghost? It's wearing a low-cut sheet. I'm getting out of here now. Name on you, you coward. Only a baby would be afraid of a ghost. Abbott, please pass me the pablum. Hello, boys. I'm a ghost. Wait a minute. If you're a ghost, what's your sheet? You're wearing a blanket. It gets cold at night in California, kid. Abbott! What's the matter with you, Castel? Look, Abbott. There's one of those spooks coming up the stairs now. Hey, wait a minute. Castel, you're right. But don't worry. I know how to break the spell of the ghost. You must pull the sheet off their face. Now, I'll sneak around in the back of it and you pull the sheet off. Oh, no, you don't. Oh, all right. Then you pull the sheet off, and I'll sneak around in the back. That's better. Wait a minute. That's the same thing. Wait, Castel. Grab the sheet off the ghost. Tell her it's Mrs. Wetwash. Abbott, put the sheet back on. Why, Mr. Abbott, what are you doing in this haunted house with that horrible Halloween pumpkin? Oh, pardon me. It's Costello. I wish you hadn't said that, Mrs. Wetwash. Only today, I was telling that. But what sparkling white teeth you had. Oh, did you notice someone I smiled? No, I passed your house this morning. They were hanging on a clothesline. Quiet, Costello. Mrs. Wetwash, what are you doing in this haunted house masquerading as a ghost? Boys, I'm going to take you into my confidence. I'm going to reveal a secret that nobody else knows. Maybe she's going to tell us her right age. Hey, quiet, Costello. What is it, Mrs. Wetwash? Well, Costello, are you sure you can keep a secret? Certainly. I saw that new picture last night, and I wouldn't even tell anybody why George Appley was late. Oh, and I'll tell you, you see, this house isn't really haunted. It's just me playing the part of a monster-faced ghost. That's the best piece of casting we've had on this show all season. You shut up, Costello. This is Wetwash. Why do you want this house? Well, because I don't want anyone to buy it. My late husband, Herman Wetwash, once owned this house, and he hid a treasure map somewhere in this room. Now, if you boys will help me find that map, we can dig up the treasure and split it, and we'll each get a third. OK, but remember, Abbott, I want my full third, 20%. Costello, we'll help Mrs. Wetwash. We can each take turns honing the house until the map is found. Costello, you take the first eight-hour shift. Good, I'll wait a minute. Why should I take the first eight-hour shift? All right, and Mr. Abbott, you take the first shift. And Costello, you can come next door to my house, and we'll go into the parlor and neck. Well, you talked me into it. Oh, you're coming with me? No, I'm taking the first shift. Well, I've been sitting here by myself in a dark for hours, but the darkness doesn't frighten me. Being alone doesn't frighten me. All this silence doesn't frighten me. That frightens me. Hey, Abbott! That must be Abbott coming. He must have heard me. Hey, Abbott, I'm in here. Gee, Abbott, you're all dressed up like a ghost. Where did you learn to walk on a ceiling like that? Look at Abbott. He's walking on a ceiling. He's walking on a ceiling. That ain't Abbott! Don't be frightened. Don't be frightened, little fat man. I'm a kind ghost. I never hurt anybody. I can't help but to find my ghost. Oh, you see more, right? Tell me, how did you become a ghost? Well, up until three weeks ago, I was a man just like you, and I had no place to live. I looked and looked and looked for a house, and finally I located this house, and when I found out it was vacant, I dropped dead. That's a sad story. That's really a sad story, but my uncle Mike became a ghost under very similar circumstances. He did? Yes, he spent three years tunneling his way out of San Quentin and came up in the gas chamber. See, that's sad, too. But I wish you'd do me a favor. There's a very ugly woman that keeps running through this house every night, and I'm afraid of her. None of us speech will spook to her. You mean none of you spooks will speak to her? Don't tell me how to do a routine. I used to do jokes with a skeleton. You have to pay her much money. Seven bones a week. Must have been red skeleton. Seven bones a week. But tell me, Mrs. Cortella, who is that woman that comes here every night? Oh, that's Mrs. Whitwars. She's looking for the treasure map. Her late husband hid in this room. Oh, that old thing. Go over there behind the third loose brick in the fireplace. Oh, thanks. I'll get the map and I'll take it to her right away. Third loose brick. Here it is. Here it is. Hey, Abbott. Mrs. Whitwars. I found the map. I found the map. Wait a minute. Here we are. Here we are, Cortella. Oh, look, Miss Rabbit. He's found the map. Oh, God, tell him this is wonderful. I'll call the man and tell him that he can sell the house right away. Now, you boys meet me in the garden and you'll dig up the treasure and split it. Hey, Castello. Are you sure you're reading that map right? We've dug up this whole garden and we've found no treasure. Oh, Castello, let me see that map. Here it is. Read it for yourself. It says take two steps forward, two steps to the right, and three steps back. Let me see that. Here you are. Take two steps forward, two steps to the right, and three steps back. Why, you frail-wasted, what-brained weasel? This is no treasure map. This is a dancing lesson from Arthur Murray. Oh, I'm ruined. What am I going to do now? Can we dance? Oh, get him out of here. President Castello will be back in just a moment for Camel Cigarette. During the war, the makers of Camel Cigarette sent a total of more than 150 million free camels to our fighting men overseas. Now, free camels are sent to servicemen's hospitals instead. This week, the camels go to Veterans Hospital Cheyenne, Wyoming, U.S. Army Valley Forge General Hospital, Phoenixville, Pennsylvania, U.S. Naval Hospital, Chelsea, Massachusetts, U.S. Marine Hospital, Fort Stanton, New Mexico, and Veterans Hospital, Murpiesboro, Tennessee. Camel broadcasts go out to the United States three times a week. Our rebroadcasts are practically every area in the world where our men are still stationed and to our good neighbors in Central and South America. And now, back to Bud Abbott and Luke Castello. Well, Castello, I hope you weren't too frightened when I left you in that haunted house. Oh, no, Abbott, I wasn't afraid. I sat in an easy chair and fell asleep. I dreamt that Hedy Lamar had her arms around me. And just as she was going to kiss me, I woke myself up. What did you do that? I was playing hard to get. Oh, good night, folks. Good night, folks. Good night. Abbot and Castello again next Thursday, Mike. When Abbot and Castello, when Abbot takes Castello to an occupational expert for an adaptability test, now there's a couple of strike last words, occupational adaptability. There'll be lots of fun when the boys tackle them next week, so if you're adaptable for more laughs, just occupational a seat by the radio next Thursday. PA, Pipe Appeal. PA, Prince Albert. Pipes packed with Prince Albert really have PA. Prince Albert has Pipe Appeal two ways, a mellow aroma that appeals to the ladies and a rich, full flavor that will appeal to you. Prince Albert is specially treated to ensure against tongue bite, crimped cut to smoke slow and cool. For Pipe Appeal, be sure to smoke Prince Albert, the tobacco specially made for smoking pleasure. Saturday night is quite a night in radio, you know. The night of Prince Albert's Grand Ole Opry on NBC. If you're not a regular listener already, you will be when you hear Red Fully sing your favorite American folk songs, when you laugh with Minnie Pearl and Rod Brassfield. Remember the time and station, Saturday night on NBC. Be sure to tune in next week for another great Abaddon Costello show brought to you by Camel Cigarettes. And remember, experience is the best teacher. Try a camel. Let your own experience tell you why more people are smoking camels than ever before. C-A-M-E-L-S. This is Michael Roy in Hollywood, wishing you all a pleasant good night for Camel. Stay tuned now for the Eddie Cantor show. This is NBC, the National Broadcasting Company.