 Okay welcome back. So we've been looking at preparation for marriage, how can a couple prepare themselves for marriage. We were looking at the importance of preparation. We started looking at a few areas and we spoke about becoming the best you, about how to build and restore your emotional health and third is personal skill, personal management of that we looked at four specific aspects that is one's career, one's finances, the way they manage time and lastly being able to equip oneself with household skills. So the fourth point, fourth area of preparation as we look at it is relationship skills relating to one another. So here when you know as Paul talks of in Philippians and I just like to read that verse, Philippians chapter 2 verses 3 and 5 it says don't do anything from selfish ambition or from a cheap desire to boast but be humble towards one another always considering others better than yourself. Okay so relationship like marriage is something that is that's an ongoing a lifelong relationship and so it definitely requires good skills of relating to one another and in order to build a healthy relationship that needs to be some skills that need to be established. And of this we're going to be considering a few which is one communication then we're going to be looking at roles in marriage and the third we are going to focus on in-law relationships. Like I said some of these is something that we will look at in detail even in the chapters to come but this is basically an overview of this. So to prepare yourself in knowing that these are certain areas that one would need to improve themselves. So the first one is communication. We do see that one of the backbone of a marriage is in communication the way that a couple converse and relate to one another. Okay and even there is a breakdown of communication is when we do see that the marriage also kinds of breaks down. So why is communication important? Communication is important is because like we said there are two people coming from different frameworks and when you're entering into a covenant of marriage one to another you're learning and understanding about each other's framework. You're learning to understand the strengths that people may have or understand how what they are like. So and this can only be done through open verbal communication. So looking at how is it that you can improve in your area of being able to communicate? How best do you communicate? What are some of the ways that you communicate? Some people communicate through very emotionally. Some people communicate very cognitively but to understand that there are different ways people communicate and to come to a place that works together. Excuse me. Also how do you communicate when you are in an emotionally maybe difficult space? Maybe it's one of anger or it's a disappointment or it's a dissatisfaction. How would you communicate to be able to see that? Also to see that what are some of the strategies that you may be employing in order to get your opinion across or get your understanding across. Do you use threats or do you use certain black means, emotional black means? So we need to understand that through communication is how we get to know each other as well as we make ourselves known. So to be able to build on that area of communication. The second relationship skills that we're going to look at is the roles in marriage. Now when we look at scripture we know that the husband and the wife they have a definition or they have certain roles that are defined in the way that God sees it and scripture shows and again like I said we're going to be looking at this in detail but just an overview. The husband is the head and the wife is a co-heir and is also someone who should be involved in family matters in family decisions. Again when you're looking at roles how do you what do you look at shared responsibilities? How do you see your roles in the responsibilities towards the marriage, towards children, towards finances, towards the family, towards spiritual maturity? Where are you at in playing out these roles? So a lot of times the roles that we assume kind of reflect the roles that we see maybe in our own families but then to align ourselves with what God has instructed should be the roles. It is what we really need to redefine and restructure and realign ourselves too. Even in roles in marriage to see whether you are a good team player, whether you're able to work and work alongside with your spouse to take some of those responsibilities to move forward. One aspect of the relationship skills is the area of relationships with in-laws, in-law relationships. So what we mean by in-law relationships is the families that is the parents of the groom as well as the parents of the bride. So it is necessary or important to define clear boundaries in the relationships that one shares with their families, with the family members. There of course is a recommended guideline is to be able to maintain a healthy distance with family members. Now this does not mean that you do not support or care or help your family members. It does not mean that. What it means is no family member should be allowed to interfere with the marriage or with the decision making process. So the couple together come and learn, understand, make mistakes in making decisions, learning to work with one another rather than having the larger interference with the family. Now the reason why this is brought up is because especially in some cultures that we've noticed or we've seen and some of it in our culture, in the Indian culture that we do see is that parents become key decision makers and that connection or that emotional attachment is not severe well enough and as a result there can be strong interference and thereby there can be issues within the marriage. Also another thing to determine is after marriage, will the couple be living with the family members or will they be living apart? Now even if it is with the family members to be able to ensure that that symptom or that diet, the inner diet of a husband and a wife is preserved and not intruded upon either knowingly or unknowingly. So those are the three points that we want to highlight in Relationship Skills, Communication, Roles in Marriage and in Law Relationships. Any questions here before I move on to point five? Any questions or even welcome to have any comments also or thoughts? Usually this is a place that we have a lot of questions I'm surprised that there aren't any. Okay let me move on. Now going to the fifth point is how you prepare yourself in learning or taking time to overcome what you've gone through in your past. Now this could be either any kind of a difficult negative situation that's happened like an abuse or maybe it is a traumatic experience that you've had or it could be certain life situations you've come from. Maybe it's a negative home environment or it could be difficult members of the family that one has dealt with. So it's to be able to overcome the impact of the past before you enter into marriage. So I think even as I'm saying that it's definitely something that needs to be addressed but it could pop up even after it may be addressed or it's looked at. There can be chances even remnants of it can come up in marriage but it's something that you are aware of and receive your healing of it and renew your mind from the impact of the thoughts or the emotional space it has brought you into. So being able to renew your mind through that. So we would see that a lot of times go through any story of a person and you would have heard certain unpleasant experiences in the life of people. These experiences have the potential to cause deep wounds, deep scars, emotional pain so much so that it becomes habitual patterns in their lives. Okay but as believers we know that God is the one who helps us overcome because he is the overcomer and he has called us as overcomers because we're born of God and we believe that he's the one who can change all things. He can heal, he can restore our soul, bring us release from the pain of the past trauma or of the past hurts but of course to be able to do that regularly to go to him. So if we aren't doing that, if we don't receive that healing for whatever has happened in the past, we carry this into the marriage and that affects our spouse or affects the marriage. So as we had said earlier that many sense that if you enter into marriage all that's happened in the past, the rejection, the abandonment, the pain that's happened in the past will somehow change in marriage but that is untrue. Okay so some of the areas that we just want to focus on is like abuse. If the person has been a victim of either physical, emotional or even sexual abuse it's important to address and heal from these experiences because these negative experiences that one deals with like I said carries an impact into your current behavior, into the way that your attitudes are, into the way that you relate to people. So often what we've seen is especially people who are abused have a difficulty to trust, have a difficulty to engage in good intimate relationships because of the fear of being manipulated, fear of being rejected, of being abandoned by someone that they trusted. So and that becomes like like a wall, like a protective barrier. So they put up guards so that they don't have to trust anyone because of the fear of being hurt and pain. So if someone like this comes into marriage there's always, there's that wall that's there and there isn't a place of openness and vulnerability that they see. So even when we're looking at abuse we also understand that marriage is no place for any form of abuse, physical, emotional, mental or anything that can hurt one another. So even if you've come from a place of abuse maybe by parents or by someone when you're entering into marriage making a commitment that that will no longer, that you will no longer resolve to abuse either spouse or children or anyone. Okay, the second area of overcoming is any past addictions. Now addictions could be any type which may be any kind, any form of substances. It could be gambling, it could be sexual addictions. So to prepare and to understand if you are, if you have been at any point of time hooked to any form of an addiction. So if that is so to be able to make a decision to move away to receive that freedom to get whatever support that you may need in the natural maybe if it is rehabilitation of counseling to ensure that you've moved away from that and also to receive spiritual wholeness through those forms of addiction again by renouncing your sin by coming to God and repenting and moving forward in freedom. The other experience we're going to just quickly going to look at is certain home environments or experiences. So there can be times when when there have been issues of separation or divorce in the in the lives of your of a person's family either in their parents or extended homes. And because it has happened often people go with this thing of okay it's happened there can likely to happen here. So it's not something that you either entertain or you anticipate in your marriage. We see that sometimes marriage is as a last resort measure especially in situations that may be very difficult. And it's not something that you progressively keep thinking about. So even in arguments refuse to make statements that you know let's get a divorce or let's you know let's just separate not really you know bringing that up as a means of escape. So to be able to really heal from what has been as part of the home there could be even times where there's been infidelity where there's been unfaithfulness in your family's marriage. And how have you seen this what have you taken away as a meaning and you know what kind of commitment are you making of that this not happening in your own marriage. There could also be certain like I said there could be more people or having wrong examples people leading leading lives that have been incorrect or they have been wrong models where their behaviors have tended to affect us. Like for example you know to be able for maybe one of the parents have had extreme tempers you know extreme anger so much so that they would walk out of the house they wouldn't talk they would lock themselves indoors they would be you know they would move away for a month and only then come back. So the tendency for these more these behaviors or these these people to be examples they become they are incorrect patterns of dealing with stress right and these things have to be unlearned these things have to be changed. So you will as a person getting into marriage you're intentionally unlearning what you have seen maybe something your parents do either the way that they have thrown a temper the way that they have used bad language or how they've resorted to other forms of coping that's not been biblical. So to make a commitment that you will follow through healthy biblical patterns in relating to your spouse and your children sometimes even previous relationships can affect the marriage. So being emotionally or sexually involved with other people before the marriage can yes affect. To have made a commitment that you will completely break off any form of contact or renounce any kind of emotional or sexual affection towards them and to come to a place of repentance where you're under the grace and the power of the Lord Jesus Christ. So knowing that you've received his forgiveness and that you are in a place where you're free from guilt free from that embarrassment free from that shame right because anytime you're trapped in guilt it can it can make you feel very very gripped in despair or if there's feelings of anger or bitterness it can lead to further strife or it can lead to not having intimacy. So to be able to find peace and healing from the trauma and to move into a place of hope. So even previous relationships so you're also making the commitment to break away from every relationship that can impact your marriage any relationship that's been there in the past or anything in future that could impact your marriage. Okay so that's point number five. Okay Erin's brought about I think two questions she said about keeping a healthy distance with your parents it would be hard especially for those who are strongly attached. What about them when and how should they do it? Okay so we recognize that especially for those who are significantly attached to their family it is a hard thing nevertheless it is something that is a command of the Lord. It says leave your father and mother, cleave to your wife and become one flesh. So it's a good thing to start when you realize or when I don't think it's about age or any of that but as an adult so this is also you know a recommendation to parents if there are parents in this group of to be able to allow your son your daughter to make their own decisions right from the time that they have reached a place of adulthood 18, 19, 20 you know for them to take ownership and responsibility of their own lives rather than you being always there to hand hold or spoon feed them. So it is recommended that if you realize that you have very strong attached emotional attachments to your family right now is a good time to begin to establish those healthy boundaries right making decisions on your own. Yes it's always it's good to take their understanding but nevertheless making those decisions on their own. How should they do it? A good way to do it is to start. Start right away take decisions of your own getting to healthy conversations with your family that it's a healthy practice to you know just speaking to family and saying maybe you know I'd like to take this decision on my own and like you to support me even if I make some of those mistakes because if we've all seen our lives we've not always made perfect decisions we've made mistakes but we've learned from those mistakes. So keeping that communication open with your family to give to ask them or to request them to give you a chance to start doing things on your own to start working things and rather having to be spoon fed okay. It's not usually sometimes it's not taken very well by the parents nevertheless it's something you need to grow in maturity and in time they would also understand if you treat them with respect and honor it's not about getting upset and angry with them but treating them with respect and honor yet being able to have an agency of your own responsibility and your your and things that can sell you okay. Your next question is victims of past experience who are unwilling to undergo changes how should we encourage and counsel them? It's a good thing to encourage them to meet somebody else rather than you counseling them because some of these past experiences go really deep you know it has deep emotional hurts and often counseling them actually takes it's just not asking them not to feel that way but it is to help them process those feelings and those thoughts and dispute some of those beliefs that they have formed from within and you know also helping them through scripture to find new systems of beliefs. So I would suggest that you encourage them to get help rather than counsel them because if that's something that you may not be able to do it is best to encourage them to get help to to speak to someone who is able to receive that support. It is important to share with them however that any past experience or trauma of a past experience can significantly impact their current and their minds that's something I think you can tell them and encouraging them to get help from from someone who is more trained will probably be helpful. Okay all right so we look at the six points there's just two more points six one is sexual purity now one of the an important aspect in marriage is is the area of sexuality so but as you're preparing for for marriage it is to before you enter into that space of intimacy to be able to break free from every prior sexual addiction whether it be pornography masturbation homosexuality being involved in anything sexually explicit it is to break free from that and to to really consecrate oneself in bringing your appetites and submission to to God and also seeking his power and seeking his help in in restraining in bringing about a sense of restraining in the way that you know you in in the way that you've been addicted. So to to keep your body pure and to keep your desires pure by going back to the word and going back to the help of the Holy Spirit in addition if there is something that you may need to get support and help from someone on how to break addictions you know just also form of counseling that's also something that will be recommended so also to understand that every every form of sexual need is to be met only within marriage and not within marriage and by your spouse and not anything outside of that so you make that commitment to not engage in sexual fulfilment anywhere outside of your marriage this this is just not when this is of course when we when we mean our extramarital affairs but we also mean any form of sexual stimulation either through movies or through pornography or through masturbation to make that commitment that you will seek sexual fulfilment only from your spouse. The second one is intimacy is as you prepare for marriage you're also committing that you will you will keep sexual enjoyment only for a time after marriage to be able to keep sex within the boundaries of marriage and not outside of it okay so that's the sixth point of sexual maturity the seventh one any points any any thoughts on that and the seventh point is Christian maturity calling and ministry okay now when we I just would like to bring about a verse here in Ephesians chapter 4 verses 12 and 13 and let me just read this out to you he did this to prepare all God's people for the work of Christian service in order to build up the body of Christ and so we shall all come together to that oneness in our faith and in our knowledge of the Son of God we shall become mature people reaching to the very height of Christ's full stature so when you look at this verse you know it's it's clear that as God's people we are called for service we are called to build the body of Christ we are called to come together in our knowledge of God and we are called to do things reaching to the very stature of who God was okay so in our spiritual growth what are we looking at is to be able to ensure that we continue even as we're looking into these other areas of life we are continuing to ensure that we grow in maturity in our spiritual walk with God so as we enter marriage we are continuing to grow spiritually and that we do by our disciplines how we discipline ourselves with our time of God whether it be reading of the word whether it be a time of prayer whether it be time worship a time where we spend in speaking in tongues in our times of ministry what do we do to establish our own spiritual growth spiritual maturity okay and it is it's always good to even in your time of preparation to understand how your spouse also what kind of disciplines they have as they are growing spiritually and also to come to a place of understanding how you can support one another in your spiritual growth and either through prayer or worship or reading the word together studying the word together how do you support and bring about that sense of maturity the next part is uh christian calling so um in we believe that all of us have a place of function in the body of Christ is something that God has called us to do okay and uh there's some of us may be aware of of God's calling in our lives some may be just discovering some may be in a place of seeking okay so to be able to come and seek God for where he wants to use us what he is calling us for and how we could support our spouse to fulfill what God has purposed for them or what God has destined for them so not just for yourself where you're able to uh uh understand or come to a place of discovery of God's calling if you haven't already discovered God's calling in your life and how you can support and help your spouse to reach the calling that God desires of them okay also uh when we're looking at calling to know that when God's calling your spouse to something it's it's to be able to also help to release and work and partner with them to so that they could fulfill what God has for them okay um so as uh it's also I think it's a good thing even in before in marriage to understand what your individual calling's up and to see if they complement one another if you if you can see that you know you can work together in God's kingdom um because for example one person maybe has a calling to you know to work in a big city the other person has a calling to work in a village right and this don't complement one another so it's a good thing to understand that in the first place because working together can do a lot for the kingdom of God so uh developing these areas and growing together so that they can minister one with with another okay so these are these are the seven specific points that we we look through now certain additional things that you know we recommend as part of this pre pre marital preparation is that the um the couple spent a lot of time in studying God's word and also um uh you know even even things about marriage understanding a lot more about marriage and there are many christian books that are available um you know so that they can share and discuss what what they have learned to be able to also as a part of the preparation to really have open constructive conversations especially in these seven areas um you know often we found that that um a lot of couples discover so much just through this second chapter you know as we spoken about this um you know some things how they see money or how they see partnership or how they see uh their past all of that it it draws a lot of light into what they may be going through so to help them to engage in that constructive discussion and it's important to talk about these areas and to hear about what each one maybe maybe feeling okay also to bring up any issues or problem areas that you may feel uncomfortable with so that that can be discussed rather than dismissing anything that you see or dismissing what you feel rather than that it is to bring that uh bring that up okay um and also when when when a couple is engaged to be married to be able to keep some of those boundaries and ensure that they keep to the focus of honoring god through their through their engagement period um what we're going to look into the next chapter is about expectations and this is a huge conversation that couples need to make to really express and share their expectations of one another expectations of how they see marriage expectations of how they see um family all of that to to really work through all of all of this okay all right so uh as a summary we looked at seven main areas of preparation we spoke about becoming the best you we spoke about emotional health relationship skills personal management we looked at overcoming past issues past experiences abuse then even sexual purity and the last was the call it christian calling and christian christian ministry okay so these are seven areas of preparation so something that i generally do when we go through this is you know um the kind of if you look at if you look into the page later there is uh there is a rating that you can give yourself a preparedness rating that you can give yourself from one to five one being least prepared and five being well prepared and once you have understood that that you know how much maybe you put yourself a two or three or four what are some of the things that you can work on so that's something i make the couples do and at the end of the course i go back to this and check with them as to how much they've grown how much they have actually intentionally prepared themselves for in these areas okay all right um any questions any questions any observations any thoughts i would be glad to hear some of you speak also can you please repeat your question again so i said do you have any questions any observations any thoughts i said i'll be glad to hear y'all speak okay uh chira has asked ma'am how to know that he or she is the right person for me to marriage okay so that's something that we are going to look at in chapter three okay how do you make a choice how do you know or how will you make a choice whether it is the right person to be married so i i'm asking you to patiently wait for next class chira i hope you don't have to make a decision in this next one week to marry somebody okay there are no questions we can have an early stop i know we're almost 10 minutes early but uh we can we can give may i request any one of the students to kindly close with the word of prayer ravalli can i request you to pray ravalli if you're there masha i like like how you are teaching i mean especially this subject um it's not something new but uh lots of it is in the like a more detailed um manner and i mean i i mean i um these are really good as for people us who are like preparing ourselves for the future so yeah okay i think what you said is uh what is being taught is not new however they are in detail and they are helpful and they help you to have some kind of guidelines i think that's what you said yeah please come to that okay could somebody close in prayer ravalli yes jeena i can go ahead yeah thank you jesus for this time thank you for giving us this opportunity to learn from your word um we pray god that everything that we have learned discussed today in our class um that you speak to us personally to reflect and respect things in our life and also to apply it practically in our lives of god help us to prepare for the future lord jesus and help us to walk with you in this journey in jesus name i pray amen amen thank you all students i meet you all next thursday and uh yeah with chapter three they're making a choice so cheera do ensure that you come god bless have a blessed week ahead thank you