 Hey, hey, thank you so much for joining me on another episode of talks with Tony Gonna dive right in have an email from a young lady today and It says hi Tony God bless your work. Good job. Hey, thank you very much I am married eight years, but it has been a constant battle To be honest my main reason for staying married is because I don't want to disappoint God I also have kids from a previous relationship and I also have kids in this Relationship and I cannot bear to break their hearts There is also a stigma when people know you have Different baby daddies. They don't care what the story is My husband is very jealous of me. He admitted this. He is also very insecure He does not want me having friends. I could understand male friends But he does not want me to have female friends as well. He is manipulative Manipulative y'all got it my country tongue rolling on me. I don't know if it's a healthy marriage. I Don't know if I should stay and make it work or if I should leave He is very negative and always feels sorry for himself He says no one wants him around them and no one loves him His family members are not close to him. They hardly even talk to him He wants it to be just me him and the kids. What should I do? Whoo Now this is a hard one. This is a hard one Mmm, so I have to start with the first sentence. It's a personal choice That's that's my disclaimer. It's a personal choice me personally Me personally I Would be out of there. I would be out of there And here's my reasoning. I would not Stay married because I'm afraid to disappoint God God is a all-knowing all Understanding God. He's bigger than me. God knows my heart. If I leave a marriage God knows why I'm leaving that marriage if that if I'm leaving and that is a sin God forgives sin God forgives murderers Adulterers Idolatrous God forgives. So if I am in sin for leaving a toxic Broken marriage, I will ask God to forgive me if I have sinned and I will repent in my heart and I will accept that forgiveness from God So that's not a reason that I would stay and I believe a lot of people Stay because of that You don't want to break the kids hearts. I Totally get it and I've seen many many people stay for the kids I don't know what it would have been like had my dad left my mom or my mom left my dad They had their issues. They had their situation their fallouts, you know Trust issues and all of that and it happened, you know before the marriage even started And then during the marriage, you know, they had issues that could have led to divorce But my father stayed, you know, and typically if a man's gonna try to do right and the man is gonna be bearable And he's gonna be a good man Woman's not gonna make him leave or a woman's not gonna leave him and so my father was a good man and He matured and he did what he had to do to be a good man and a positive role model for my sister and I and Then after we after he had raised us Then they went through a divorce when I was probably around 20 21 my sister around, you know 18 They went through a divorce and then as I talked to them. They really they told me the marriage was over year one or year two But my dad was like I couldn't see another man raising my children, you know I had to stay there and make it work at least for that time And so I was like, okay. Hey, I respect you for that And that's what made me grow up to be a man to say look I'm gonna raise my kids in the home I told my mom mom if I get a prostitute pregnant, I've never slept with a prostitute But I thought if I get a prostitute pregnant I'm marrying that woman and I'm raising I'm raising my child because I refuse to have You know a child that I brought into the world grow up without me active and present in his or her life And so that's not what's keeping me with my wife I absolutely love her and our marriage is absolutely perfect a lot of people don't want to hear that But I 100% mean it, you know, I 100% mean I don't even know how to lie. I'm too honest You listen all my videos. I tell too much business. I say too much. I wouldn't know how to lie about a bad marriage and So I'm here not just for the kids but for love you stand for the kids listen to me listen to me If my wife cheat on me, you know or do something crazy I find out she's still in you know a bunch of money She taking money out of the count and putting over in the little side account You know planning something to leave or something I find out, you know, she lying every day lying about all kind of stuff or You know something crazy My son's beautiful handsome Smart articulate I'm out of there. I'm out of there and I know that's a Contradiction to what I just said, but my point was is I won't leave because of me I Won't be irresponsible and leave a relationship Because I don't want to accept my responsibility But I'm not gonna stay in a marriage. That's toxic or abusive, you know, that's Isolating and I can't trust the person I'm not gonna stay in that I will be there for my kids and in that situation I might even fight for custody at the lease. I'm gonna settle for the lease. I'll settle for is 50-50 You know or whatever you would call it where I get every single weekend and the whole summer That's the lease. I'll settle for But so you stand for the kid what I need you to understand is that children? It hurts them and I see it, you know with young grade school kids They act out when their parents go through a divorce, you know, I see it. They act out initially But if the parent they're staying with is strong and solid and picks up a hundred percent and stands their ground a Lady asked me yesterday Tony. What do you see? What's the trend you see in coaching? With women, you know, like who struggles The most because she said I had a dad in the home I he was my stepfather, but he was a father figure and he was in my life But I'm struggling in relationships. I said to be honest with you The woman that I see do the best in the relationship is the woman who was raised by a strong single mother a Woman who was raised by a strong single mother to be honest with you And if I really look at it That's true for a lot of men too I mean men. I mean we just different case You a man could have had 10 parents if you could have 10 parents a man could have 10 parents in the home And we still act a fool in relationships. We just a different case But I remember when I lost my virginity. I'm in a two-parent home mother and father. I lost my virginity at 15 I talked to my friend and he wasn't getting him none and I said man, why you ain't getting you none? And he said my mama told me to keep my pants zipped up. I say what? You in the ninth grade you grown and you listen to your mama cuz your mama said Cuz your mama said keep your thing in your pants. That's why you ain't getting none He said yeah Man, you know my mama told me man. I want to listen to it. I'm a mama. She know better than me I'm like whoa He was raised by a single mom. She eventually got married, but his mom had the influence in his life Guess what? He moved with his dad single dad Me and my boys went up to visit him His dad allow us to order a stripper We was in high school. His dad allowed us to order a stripper at the house for 75 dollars You know, it was it was wild To say the least That's what his dad did the boys started drinking drinking in high school getting drunk. He started getting high I mean whole life change. He just he became a thug. He went from this good Respectable young man to a thug. I was like wow, but that's a big difference from being living with your mom to living with your dad So I say that to say your children if you are a strong Responsible parent my wife told me she left me two months in the marriage when I went back to the street life And she left me. I asked her how you had the strength to walk out. We just had a baby He's an intensive care unit and you're gonna leave me for wanting to sell a little bit of weed To put some food on the table. You're gonna leave me for that You ain't cheat on you you can find a woman in my phone catch me having sex. What in the world? You leave me for how did you leave me over that? She said I Was raised by a single mother and my mom got married around the time of high school and she said one day my mom woke me up and said Hey, Tony. Hey, Cherie get your stuff We leaving and she said I saw the moving truck pull up and Packed up all our stuff and we left Cuz she had got married, but it was toxic She said when I saw her do that that let me know don't ever put up with anything from from a man Husband or not love yourself first and be willing to walk away a Strong mother taught her that I say that to say For all of y'all women trapped in a relationship for the sake of kids kids are resilient God made them resilient for that very reason because God knew kids would lose their fathers to war Lose their fathers to divorce lose their mother to you know, the mom giving birth Cancer, you know illnesses. I have a lot of guys who lost their mother, you know to cancer You know things you go through And they bounce back They bounce back they go on to be productive citizens to live a good life because God gave them a resilient heart as a young man a young woman So understand that It may be some things the kids say oh, I want y'all to be together I mean my oldest son he just terrified of divorce We can't even say the word around him like when we talking about another family or we talking about other people He's like look don't say that word don't say that word. He is just terrified of it So I know it would really really really really hurt him, you know If my wife and I got a divorce, but I also know If the whether he's with her or me because of we're responsible Adults he would heal and he would still grow go on to be successful So I share that for everybody who you know you struggling with this Don't allow marriage to be a death sentence Now as far as your husband What I would recommend is that You tell him He has to get life coaching He needs to talk to me or somebody like me what I mean by that somebody who has Experience who has who has drawn wisdom from their experience and somebody who gonna keep a blood roll Somebody who gonna give it to him like an IS is Somebody gonna, you know, read them from head to toe listen to him hear him Ask him good questions deep question. That's gonna really make him think but that has to be Mandatory for you to stay with him if you're gonna stay with him Him getting help has to be mandatory because he sound like he trying to hit on some depression here Nobody love him. Nobody wants to be With him around him. No one loves him and he always negative and feeling sorry for himself He hinting on some some depression It could also be as simple as just him attention-seeking and Just hit all his insecurities making him act this way, but it could very well be depression and so It's mandatory that he gets some help and If he won't get any help if he gets help he can grow he can change Because what changes us is just getting new knowledge when you get new knowledge You replace the old things you do new things you get new results. He can grow he can change Y'all can ride into the sunset and live happily ever after But you have to stand up as a woman and you got to put your foot down and you got to say look I'm not your slave. I'm not your prisoner. I'm gonna have friends. I'm gonna have girls night out I'm gonna do that if you can't handle that then you can leave you got to keep it real just like that and You got to tell him look if for us to continue You're gonna have to get some help and then you got to be his life coach too And you got to speak into his life and you got to speak positivity into his life You got to shut down that negativity when I get down when I'm feeling down and you know in my feelings My wife she speaks into my life. She lifts me up in the words They pierce to my heart and it gets me back into a good mood So I spend five minutes You know feeling down because she sees that she jumps on it and she speaks some piercing words to my heart a piercing truth And that's what you have to do at a walk as a wife. Don't let him wallow in his mess and Make him get help when my wife took me back after leaving me She was gone for three days It was the worst three days of my life. That's why I created the 72 hour rule and I wrote about in my book Mrs. Wright and in my next book that me and her writing together There was the worst 72 hours of my life, but when she came back She demanded She said in order for me to be back with you. You got to get anger management, you know life coaching Well, basically anger management because we didn't even know of what of life coaching then of 2007 And the reason why is because when she's trying to walk out I tried to hold her I tried to hold the we handle furniture in the living room So she pulling this way. I'm pulling that way. We end up falling on the ground and I'm over there holding us Please don't leave. Please don't leave. Please don't leave. I wasn't trying to hurt or nothing like that But her point was if I'm trying to walk out, you don't got the right to touch me at all So since you tried to hold me and we got into a tussle and we wrestling and You got to get anger management. And so I signed up for coaching fortunately, I see she let me sign up with my father and But she demanded that she also demanded you got to get in the church You got to start going back to church. You got to rededicate your life to Christ. She demanded that She also demanded you got to cut off your friends them toxic friends That's giving you the drugs to sell that want to take you to the club the Holland the ladies You got to cut them off. I did all three of those things and We in a hundred percent happy marriage today 12 years of marriage that was in the first two or three months of our marriage that we went through that So I'm here to tell you he can change. You got to put your foot down don't discount or overlook the power of a woman's influence So if you want to stay Create a bed that you willing to lie in If you're not willing to lie in that bed, then you need to leave Hey, thank you so much for your question If you have a question for me, please send it to inbox at Tony gaskins.com. We'll talk soon