 Hey Abbott, what time is it? It's time for the Abbott and Costello Show. We're on the air for ABC here in Hollywood. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Abbott and Costello Show. Yes, it's the Abbott and Costello Show, produced and transcribed in Hollywood for your listening and laughing pleasure, with Chuckles with a Carload and Music by Matty Malnick. So hold on to your chairs, folks, for here they are, but Abbott and Lou Costello. Look at yourself. Bags under your eyes. What happened? I didn't get a wink of sleep last night. Why not? Well, I made a mistake. In the dark, I plucked my electric blank into the automatic record changer, and all night long, it kept flipping me over and playing my other side. Dark sense. Why don't you get out and get yourself a job? I'm going, Abbott. I'm going to get a real job. The honest sweat of toil is the greatest reward of a real man. Work is the backbone of the American people. The only thing that matters is earners toil and the knowledge and the satisfaction of a job well done. Why, that's wonderful, Costello. Where did you read that? On the wall of the unemployment office while I was waiting for my check. I thought there was something fishy. You lived in Europe, you know what work is. Well, my uncle might care from all the old country, you know. He did? He read all about America and the government of the people, by the people and for the people. So he came over, and now he has 15 kids. 15 kids? 15 kids. He says they supply the government and he supplies the people. Right. Listen to me. Another reason you'll never get a job is because you sleep too much. What time do you get up today? 2 o'clock this afternoon. 2 o'clock in the afternoon. Why don't you get up at 7 o'clock every morning? Well, I couldn't do that of it. How do you know you never tried it? I never tried it either, but I know darn well I can't do it. Right. I'll get them out. If all the boys get any further involved in nonsense, here's a thought that makes good sense. I thought you were kneeling over at your house last night. Well, it was my aunt's birthday party and all our relatives were there. Well, how old was you at me? Well, I don't know exactly how old, but there were so many candles on the cake they had a far stranger standing by. Have fun. We play all kinds of games. At about 4 o'clock in the morning, I suggested we play Indians and burn somebody at the stake. I'll bet that was exciting. Everybody laughed, but we're sure going to miss Uncle Tom. Was all your family at the party loo? Well, even my uncle Jim Kelly. You know, we haven't seen him for years. He's a sailor on the S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S Santa Monica. What's all the S's for? The boat has a slow leak. I... Well, after that party last night, I hope you go home tonight and get some sleep. You look terrible. Thank you. I really know that. And I don't expect you to sleep tonight, Abbot. Why? You know that Flanagan girl from Patterson? Yes. Ha-ha! She has a beautiful friend who just graduated from Vassar, who has the most gorgeous cousin you've ever seen, who has a girlfriend who was out of the world. Her name is Jane. And you're going out with Jane? No, I'm going bowling with her father. Is this girl Jane really pretty, Lou? Ah, she's really pretty. Abbot, she's beautiful. Do you think you can get any place with her? Ha-ha-ha! Do I think? Listen to this. While the party was on, we sneaked out under the patio. It was pitch dark. Yes? We sat there on a bench and I kind of shifted over towards her. And she kind of slid over towards me until we were real, real close together. Yes, yes. Then it happened. What? She held her arm right close to my ear and let me listen to her wristwatch. Ha! If you're out with a beautiful girl and you listen to her wristwatch. That isn't all I did, Abbot. I haven't told you the best part. Well, now that's different. What else did you do? I took her for a ride in a taxi cab. You did? Mm-hmm. How far did you go with her? Well, not very far. I only had 35 cents. Now, Stella, why don't you stop wasting your time chasing girls? Journey Elks or The Eagles. You can have more fun with fellas. You know, I already belong to a club, Abbot. It's a wonderful club. It's to keep young fellas like myself from chasing girls. Now, you're talking. Yes. We even got a sign on our clubhouse door that says, positively, no women admitted. Mm-hmm. How often do you meet there? Ha-ha! We don't meet there. We meet on the Santa Monica pier. Just how do you explain your great love for women? Maybe it's because I was born twin. You know, Abbot, I had a twin sister. Oh, I didn't know that, Gustavo. Oh, sure. Here's a picture of me and my sister when we were six months old. Hey, let me see that. You are a identical twin. Sure. Which one is you? I'm the one with the Tony. Tony? Tony! Why, you're both bald-headed. Abbot, you're holding the picture upside down. You are a cute baby. Yes, and when I was a baby, I was so pretty that my mother used to rent me out for baby pictures. You know, baby pictures for advertising. They took so many baby pictures of me that up to the time I was five years old, whenever I saw a camera, I'd back up to it. Costello, you really were a tiny baby. Yeah, when I was born, I only weighed four pounds. Four pounds? Four pounds. How did you live? I saw newspapers. Can you please? Where were you born? Yeah, where was I born? Yeah. On a ship in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean during a big storm. Gee, that must have been rough on your mother. Oh, my mother wasn't there. I was traveling on my yarn at the time. Oh, Mr. Costello, I heard you were looking for a job and we need a bright-looking young fellow like you to sell our new beauty soap. Hey, now that sounds interesting, Costello. Is it good beauty soap? Good. We guarantee this beauty soap to take an ugly person and make them as lovely as Betty Gravel in 14 days. Does it really work? Does it work? Look at that tall blonde sitting in the second row. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Pretty blonde, but she doesn't look like Betty Gravel. Maybe not, but don't forget that 14 days ago, that blonde was a traffic cop at the corner of Hollywood and Vine. How did you got to get your relatives off this show? Oh, Mr. Costello, Mr. Costello, you've got to help me, you've got to help me. Did I tell you? Here's the auto. Oh, never mind here, Uncle Harry. What's the trouble? Oh, you've got to help me. Somebody's got to help me. Please help me. All right, so what's wrong? All night after night I stay awake. I'm always up. Night and day for the past two weeks I've been up all night. I'm tired. I'm sleepy. I'm a nervous wreck. Please tell me what to do. Why don't you go to bed? Oh, gee, thanks, Lord. But I'd like to take your uncle over to the Auschwitz farm next Sunday. What for? I want to show the Auschwitz is how to lay those big ones. You lay off my Uncle Harry. He doesn't have to be on this show, you know. He owns a store in the valley. He sells deep freezes. He does? Yes. You ought to go and buy one. You ought to buy one of those deep freezes off him, Lou. I've got a deep freezer, Abbott. I've got things that I've had in there for ten years. Well, it's about time you took your jokes out of there and put some meat in. I'd like to know in the script where it says that. Abbott, you better be careful. Stuff like that that's split up Dorenti and more. What? Hello, Viola von. Well, boys. What are you? Excuse me, that's you. Guys, what are you arguing about tonight? Well, Abbott keeps bringing his relatives in here every week. And besides that, he's insinuating that I'm a lousy actor. And you're not? Certainly not. He should read my fan mail. Why, should I read your fan mail? Well, somebody should read it. He can't. You better talk fast, kid. I'm in on everybody today. Now, Costello, watch yourself. You know how nervous you get around girls. You've been having trouble with your nerves, Costello? You betcha. And how? I would take a vitamin. I'd take vitamin B for my nerves, vitamin C for my skin, vitamin D for my bones, and vitamin A so I can see at night. Why do you have to see at night? So I can find a bottle of the vitamins A, B, and C, B. Why don't you take cod liver oil? Viola, I've taken so much cod liver oil that my mother has to get me out of the bathtub with a net. Viola, the poor guys' nerves are all shut. Can you do anything to help them? I sure can, bud. Come here, Lou. What are you gonna do, Viola? I'm gonna give you a kiss that'll put new life in your nervous system and make you tick like a watch. A kiss that will make me tick like a watch? I don't think you can do it. Oh, no? Come here. Costello, Costello, say something. When you hear the tone, the time will be 7.15 and one quarter. And that's only half the fun, folks, just as many laughs yet to come. But first, listen to this. All I do is think about you constantly, so darling, hurry, hurry, hurry back to me. I'm in such misery. Maybe it's because I like your company. Maybe it's because I love you possibly, so darling, hurry, hurry, hurry back to me. You kiss my lips and start a fire. I think I'm melting in your arms. We kiss again, the flame goes higher. Then I'm up, you're so charming. Hurry back to me. Every night without you is eternity. If you want to know how happy you can be, then darling, hurry, hurry, hurry back to me. Back to me. When I'm all alone, I'm lonely as can be. All I do is think about you constantly, so darling, hurry, hurry, hurry back to me. When we say good night, I'm in such misery. Maybe it's because I like your company. Maybe it's because I love you possibly, so darling, hurry, hurry, hurry back to me. You kiss my lips and start a fire. I think I'm melting in your arms. We kiss again, the flame goes higher. Then I'm up in heaven. You're so charming. Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry back to me. Every night without you is eternity. If you want to know how happy you can be, then darling, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry back to me. Well, Castella, tomorrow's April Fool's Day. I suppose you're getting ready to play jokes on all your friends. Oh, I started that yesterday, Abbott. Last night I played an April Fool's joke on my brother Pat. I sneaked up behind him, put a giant firecracker in his pocket, tied a Roman candle to his belt, and then I placed a rocket bomb under his chair, and I got them all at once. How did your brother Pat take the joke? As soon as he comes down, I'll ask him. I think April Fool jokes are kind of silly, Lou. Yes, especially the one my aunt Alma pulled on my Uncle Tom. She put cleaning fluid in his coffee, aunt paste on his toast, and then she sprinkled camphor flakes on his cereal. Did Uncle Tom think it was funny? He must have. The ambulance driver said he'd dive with a smile on his face. Did you pull any other jokes on your family, Lou? I crossed the wires on our garbage disposal with the wires on a television set. Then I plugged it in. What happened? Arthur Garfrey was ground to bits, and we got the only garbage with an 86-point Hooper rating. Well, that's a higher rating than you've got on your Sam Schubert Detective series, Lou. That's a lie. Oh, no. My Sam Schubert Detective business is growing all the time. I got my operator spying all over the country. You've got men spying all over the country? Sure. I got one guy spying in Washington, one in Paris, one in London, one in Paterson, New Jersey. I got one in Haley Lamar's dressing room. Oh, wait a minute. Why have you got a guy spying in Haley Lamar's dressing room for? He's on vacation. He's on vacation. When you talk sense, what is your Sam Schubert like? Ah, it's a very interesting case, Abbott. I call it the case of the gorgeous blonde model who fell into a vat of whiskey at the distillery, or there's good booze tonight. Sounds terrible, but let's do it. There's Sam Schubert. Sam Schubert Private Detective. As I open the door to my office, I suspect foul play. There's my secretary lying on the floor with a gag in her mouth. Hi, Sam. Who was that lady I saw you with last night? She got the gag out. Venice, you should have left it in. What has been going on here, Miss Blue? Oh, Mr. Schubert, two guys broke in here and stole your safe, your filing cabinets, and your petty cash box. Anything else? That's all I can think of. Well, I'll sit down and get to work. Oh, yes, they also took your chair. Suddenly, I heard a noise in my office. The door was creaking open. I whip up my gun. All right, whoever it is, I'm warning you. One false move and you're a dead duck. Well, looks like I'll have duck for dinner tonight. That's the trouble with this detective business. You never know who will drop into your office. Come in. That's Sam Schubert, a private detective? I'm Sam Schubert, a private detective. Who might you be? My name is Josef Pipastecic. I've got a big trouble under my life, Sam. I need your help. You see, I work all day for the same hog. You see, that's where the people make the subway. I work hard all day. I come home at night. I told my wife at dinner she's got to be on the table at 6 o'clock. 6 o'clock? 6 o'clock at the dinner she's got to be on the table. Interesting case. Lest the night I come home, no dinner. No wine and no wife. I walk in the next room. My wife is kissing another fellow. Sam, I was a loser, my temperature. I take her up a stall and I kill them both. Why did you do that, Paul? Because in my house, the dinner's got to be on the table at 6 o'clock every night. That's an interesting case. This detective business gets worse every day. Sometimes I wish I were more like my pal Lieutenant Abbott of the Homicide Squad. Lieutenant Abbott don't spend his money foolishly. Every time he makes money, he's sold some of it away. He's been selling his money away for 10 years now. Of course, he's only got $9, but it's covered with 1,800 pounds of salt. Lieutenant Abbott is a good family man. He always brings home his pay envelope. Once he lost his job and his wife found a pink slip in his envelope, that didn't upset her, but when she looked further and found a pair of bloomers, she blew her top. Abbott is a pretty sporty dresser. He wears the kind of clothes you see around the tracks. The railroad track. Lieutenant is probably next door having a drink. Abbott ain't such a heavy drinker. He'll only take a drink before meals. Of course, he eats 37 times a day. Hello, Sam. It's my pal Lieutenant Abbott. You look tired, Lieutenant. What's the trouble? That's my wife, Sam. We've been fighting for two weeks. Dinner has to be on the table at six o'clock. Six o'clock? Oh, no, Sam. She don't appreciate me. She don't know how lucky she is. When I married her, she didn't have a rag on her back. Now look at her. You're right. Now she's got rags all over. Sam, you're going to have to remove your office. The city is going to use that lot across the street for a garbage dump. Yes, I know. I got wind of it this morning. This neighborhood is getting tougher all the time. This morning, I saw a guy in front of this building stepping on a cigar butt. What's tough about that? Lots of men step on cigar butts. While they're still in the man's mouth. Sam Shovel speaking. Sam, this is Mel Bronson. Help me. My wife suspects that I'm running around with that new cutie that moved into the neighborhood. Ain't that terrible? It sure is. What does she think it is? The new manicurist at the barbershop? No. The new red head cashier at the cafeteria? No. The new blonde widow that moved in across the street? No. But thanks for giving me three good leads. Answering that phone, you should listen to the police radio. Maybe you can pick up a case. Okay, I'll turn it on. Calling car 98. Calling car 98. Car 98, we bought back to the station house. You left without a driver. Shut that dream off. Shut it off, Sam. I nearly forgot to tell you. One of your old girlfriends is in town. We worked on our case last summer. Who is it, Mabel? No. Was it Gladys? No. Helen? No. Try Shirley. Shirley? Wrong again. It's Ingrid, the international spy. Sam, I want you to help me capture her. Nothing doing, Lieutenant. Ingrid is dangerous. My brother Pat was out with her last night and she cut off one of his ears. Just a minute, Sam. I saw your brother Pat this morning. He's got two ears. Yes. Now he has. Sam, you're a cop. Just get it, eh? Sam, you're a cop. You're afraid of Ingrid. No, I ain't, but I just ain't in shape. You know I got a call. But I told you to go home last night and soak your feet in hot water. Did you do it? Yes. Well, don't your feet feel better? Yes, I feel all right, but my shoes are awful soggy. Now for this nonsense. Same shovel. You're going to help me capture Ingrid, the international spy. Come on. Lieutenant Abbott and I went to Ingrid's home. As we entered the living room there, she stood. She was more beautiful than ever in her usual soft ladylike tone. Ingrid, the international spy, spoke. Well, what do you two fat-headed flat-feet want? Ingrid, we're here to take you in. You're through being an international spy. From now on, you can spy for Warner Brothers. You must have got nothing on me and you'll never nail my gang either. They're too good at disguises. While one of my boys is working here in town right under your noses, disguised as a cock or spaniel. That must be a pretty good disguise. Good. The last time I saw him, lassie was following him down Hollywood Boulevard. You've got to get on the right side of her. We need those secret papers. Now go ahead and play up to her. Okay, watch this technique. Ingrid, you're beautiful. Come to my arms. Ah, Sam. When you talk like that, I can't resist you. Lean close to me. Sugar zero. Sugar zero. Sam, what are you doing? I'm whispering sweet nothings in her ear. Stop stalling, Sam. We've got to get those papers. Okay. I'll give her one of my special kisses. Ingrid, I'm going to give you a kiss that you'll feel from the top of your head to the tip of your toes. How do you do that, Sam? While I'm kissing you, I stand on your feet and hit you on the head with a hammer. Sam, we're going to get those plans so you have to marry her to do it. Okay, Sam. I'll marry you. You will? Yeah, but there's something I got to tell you first, Sam. What is it, Ingrid? I've been married four times already. Well, that ain't so much. In the last month? I've heard enough. Ingrid, you're under arrest. Not so fast, Copper. You came here for the stolen plans, didn't you? Okay, here they are. Take them, Sam. Thanks, Ingrid. Lieutenant, look. These are the plans of the Los Angeles police that have been looking for all year. The most important plans of all. What are they? The plans for starting a pyramid club. Get them out of here! Okay! Now, before Abbott and Costello have their final play, we bring you one more thought on this subject. We've got time enough to tell the folks about our big boxing show for the Luke Costello Junior Youth Foundation. Folks, we're presenting a Boxing Max May 26th here in Los Angeles for the Lightweight Championship of the World with Ike Williams and Enric Blandis. And if you're headed out this way, don't miss this title fight. You'll be getting the thrill of a lifetime and helping a very worthy cause. Be sure to listen to the Abbott and Costello show next Thursday. Our writing staff is headed by Eddie Foreman with Paul Conlon, Pat Costello, Martin Ragaway, and Len Stern. And our producer, Charles Vander. Good night, folks. Good night to everybody in Tennessee. Good night! Listen, it's Thursday night at this time for another great Abbott and Costello show, for those trans-dragons in Hollywood. Be sure to stay tuned with the Outstanding Entertainment which follows throughout the evening on this ABC station.