 she's been teaching English at Madison High School, Armist Brooks has been able to get along with almost all the members of the faculty. Her relationship with her principal, however, might best be described as catchest catch can. That's about it, and Mr. Conklin catches me whenever he can. But our principal's eccentricities seemed mild indeed, compared to the recent project instigated by the head of the Board of Education. It seems the Board had hired a psychologist to determine the mental and emotional fitness of the teachers in our district. However, last Thursday morning, I had something else on my mind. Mr. Boynton said he had a surprise for me, and had invited me along on his customary early morning walk in the park. It was beautiful at that time, and as we strolled along with the sun barely visible above the treetops, I sensed an element of romance in the air. Suddenly he stopped, tenderly took my hand in his, and in a voice tense with emotion said, Mr. Brooks, look! A perfect specimen of the burrowing spadefoot toad! Mr. Boynton, is that all you wanted to say to me? Well, no indeed, Mr. Brooks. When first unearthed, the spadefoot or hermit toad, as he is sometimes known, looks like a small ball of brown earth. But then it expelled the air from its lungs, and the deflated sides collapsed like a punctured balloon. Don't go y'all. Mr. Boynton, I... This is truly a remarkable reptile. But you said you had a surprise for me, Mr. Boynton. I have, Mr. Brooks. I've written a play. What? It's for the kids at Madison. They needed one for their dramatic festival next month, so I decided to write it. What's the play about? Well, when I decided to write it, I asked myself one question. What was the one thing nearest and dearest to my heart? Yes, Mr. Boynton. There was only one answer. So I wrote a play about animals. The play entirely concerned with animal life is rather offbeat, Ms. Brooks. Rather, but with the student body at Madison, you shouldn't have any trouble casting it. I just hope I'll still be around to see it. What do you mean? Well, these psychological tests the Board of Education is giving teachers have produced some rather drastic results. Surely you're not worried because a couple of teachers at Jefferson High are being transferred. Some of the Clay City faculty members have been removed, too. And if I'm not mistaken, Madison is next on the list. Well, why worry about that now? I don't believe in crossing my bridges till I come to them. Why, we're on the subject of bridges. Have you ever thought of burning a few behind you? How was your walk with Mr. Boynton, dear? What was his surprise? Was it what you expected? Did he propose? Did he set the date? Not bad. Nothing much. No, no, and uh-huh. What have we ever had? Well, better luck next time. Did you ask him in for a bite? Oh, if he wouldn't bite in the park, he'd never... Breakfast? No, I didn't know if you'd have enough. Oh, I've made enough breakfast before. Walter Denton's in the dinette already. Well, luckily I'm not very hungry. What's Walter doing here so early? He said he wanted to talk to you. Go on in, Connie. I'll be along in a few minutes. All right. Green, me friend of Tarzan. For my part, Mr. Boynton's play. Did I really frighten you much? Oh, that's all right. Who needs five years' growth? Animal heads, too? Yes, ma'am. Oh, you'd swear Harriet Conklin was a living Tigris and stretch snodgrass as a donkey. I know. What's he playing in the show? Well, you'd better take that ape's head off before Mrs. Davis comes in. She's liable to pass out from the shot. Well, it's... Aren't pretty tight, Miss Brooks, but I'll try it. Ooh, too late. Here's your breakfast, Connie. I kept your eggs nice and warm. Thanks, Mrs. Davis. And how was your breakfast, Walter, dear? Fine, thanks. Well, don't you notice anything different about Walter today, Mrs. Davis? Come to think of it, I do. For a boy his age, he's got a pretty heavy beard. You do seem rather sunburned. Now, I've got an ape's head on me, Mrs. Davis. Well, don't worry. Your marks will improve. Ape's head mess, Mrs. Davis. It's for a play Mr. Boynton's written for the school. Well, isn't that interesting? But I'm afraid we're all out of bananas, dear. I'll go get you another glass of milk, though. Thanks, Mrs. Davis. What did you want to speak to me about, Walter? Well, the reason I called for you early was to get you to school in plenty of time to ask Mr. Conklin for a free period between two and three. That's the only time the entire cast can get together. I see. Well, that should help prepare me for my new job. What do you mean? I'll be getting some practical experience with a real, live lion. So, Mr. Conklin, we'll adopt the same procedure at Madison that I have used at other schools. That is, I shall test each teacher individually to judge his emotional and mental adequacy for his job. Very well, Mr. Gidney, but frankly, I'm not at all certain that I see the value in these tests. Mr. Stone, the head of the Board of Education personally engaged me for this project, Mr. Conklin. These tests are invaluable. However, I've been a bit concerned by rumors that you recommended several teachers at Clay City for transfer. They're more than rumors, Mr. Conklin. I am simply trying to fit the square pegs into the square holes and the round pegs into the round holes. In other words, get rid of the dead wood. I see. But in getting rid of these wooden pegs, the square hole, the dead square. Dead wood. Yes. Don't you think mistakes can be made? Mr. Conklin, I've made a life study of testing emotional and mental capabilities adequately and fairly. Oh, I have no doubt of that, Mr. Gidney. I don't like to brag, but I can often tell almost at one glance what a person is and what he does. Really? I'd like to see you try that sometime, Mr. Gidney. Well, I'll do it for you right now, Mr. Conklin. We'll use whoever that is at your door. Oh, Splendid. Splendid. Come in. Good morning, Mr. Conklin. Good morning. Good morning. This is Mr. Gidney, but I'm not going to tell him who you are. He wants to try a little experiment. Experiment? Mr. Gidney contends that he can tell who you are and what you do just by looking at you. Well, now isn't that nice? Go right ahead, sir. Hmm? You see, I would say that this woman is a happily married housewife. Why, you dear man. She is also the mother of a couple of young children. An amazing revelation. What am I doing so far? So far, you owe me a husband and two children. I'm an English teacher. An English teacher? Well, that certainly is surprising. It's a constant source of surprise to me. I've never been this far off in my calculations. No doubt it's due to the fact that I've been working too hard lately. Well, once I give the tests in this district, I can take a little vacation. The tests? What tests? Mr. Gidney is the psychologist. Mr. Stone engaged. The psychologist? Mr. Stone engaged? Mr. Conklin and I are simply trying to fit the round pegs and the round holes. Get rid of the dead wood, so to speak. And what better bit of... And what better person? I'm going to start the tests than Miss Brooks here. Oh, now let's not rush this thing. That is, I've got to rush along now, sir. What's your hurry, Miss Brooks? You haven't even told me why you came in here yet. I know, but right now I have something much more important to do. More important? Yes, sir. I have some information to bring to several round, square, and oblong pegs. Do you remember a tune called One Kisser? The Board of Education, in a mood to accept at face value the reports furnished by this psychologist, Mr. Gidney, I was more than a little concerned. By the time I joined Mr. Boynton for lunch in the school cafeteria, a number of the teachers had been tested, and for Mr. Boynton's behavior, I had a feeling he had been among them. I know you're upset about something, Mr. Boynton. Why don't you tell me about it? Upset? Who's upset? What makes you think I'm upset? You paid for my salad. Tell me what happened. Did you take the test? Well, yes. What were the results? Mr. Gidney thinks I'm in the wrong profession. The wrong profession? He says I should be doing something that brings me into closer contact with the public. He suggested some branch of show business. Oh, that's just dandy. Maybe you could do a vaudeville act with your frog. Boynton and MacDougall. Fong's dances and funny cloaks. Oh, and this is fantastic. It's pretty unbelievable to me, too, but he says on the basis of his test, he's going to suggest a transfer for me. Well, he can't get away with it. He simply doesn't know what he's talking about. Maybe not, but he's done it to several teachers at other schools. Gosh, isn't going to be easy to leave Madison after all these years? There must be something we can do. Well, I don't know what, Miss Brooks. His power is very extensive. But he seems more unstable than any of the people he's testing. Hello, Miss Brooks. Hi, Mr. Boynton. Oh, hello, Walter. What's the latest? After taking her psychological test, what was the best music teachers we've ever had? What did Mr. Gidney recommend for her? That she try her hand at welding. Welding? Mr. Gidney is definitely operating with a minimum of marbles. I'm another of the teachers he recommended for transfer, Walter. You, Mr. Boynton? Oh, but he can't do this. He's taking the cream of another wise, dupious crop. That's his present company. That's it, of course, Mr. Brown. Hello, everyone. Well, how do you like this tiger's head on me? Oh, it's extremely lifelike, Harriet. Yeah, it's for a minute. I thought you were Miss Enright. Now, you might as well forget about that tiger's head, Harriet. In fact, it looks like what I forget about the whole play. But why? I've taken Mr. Gidney's tests and I've been recommended for transfer. What? Now, that's an outrage. You couldn't get along without you, Mr. Boynton. You're not just chomping your whiskers, Tabby. Well, there's no telling where this can end. Golly, Miss Brooks' daddy said you're to be in his office at three for your test. Well, I'm not packing my bags yet. I just got an idea that may cancel all the effects of this psychological brainstorm right now. What kind of an idea? Well, first tell me, how many of those animal masks have you on hand, Mr. Boynton? Wolves, apes, tigress and lion's head. Well, all we're going to need is the pig, wolf and tigress. But, Miss Brooks, I don't get it. I'll explain. By his own admission, Mr. Gidney's been working very hard lately and he's been under a great strain. Now, if I were taking the test and three people in succession were to walk into Mr. Conklin's office looking like a pig, a wolf and a tigress, and I didn't acknowledge anything unusual about their appearance, you're a great light is beginning to dawn. You want Mr. Gidney to think he's got bats in his bell freeze. Crazy mixed-up bats. If we can convince Mr. Conklin that Mr. Gidney's having upper-story trouble, none of his reports will hold water. Miss Brooks, suppose Mr. Conklin discovers us and we're thrown out of school. Walder, if that happens, I know there's an opening for all three of you in the San Diego Zoo. A surgical tester already under a great strain, I had every intention of straining him right out of Madison High School. My plan was to convince Mr. Conklin that Mr. Gidney should be taking tests instead of giving them. At three that afternoon, the time set for my test, I was seated in our principal's office intent on separating a few more marbles for Mr. Gidney's already depleted stock. Now then, we'll begin by filling out this form. Your name, of course, is Constance Brooks. Now, your age? 25 and some months. How many months? About 50. Parents' names, please. Mommy and daddy. I mean, what did they call each other? Oh, Snooki. Maybe that isn't important. Were you the only child? The only child who what? The only child in your parents' home. Well, yes, until I was 15. And then there was another child. No, I grew up. The past few months have been extremely trying for me. Please try to cooperate. Oh, of course, Mr. Gidney. Thank you. Thank you. Now I'm going to start you a psychological test which is an excellent indication to me of one's emotional stability. No doubt you've heard of word associations. Yes, sir, but I'm not much of a joiner. Although if the dues aren't too high, I don't mind joining. Please. I'm referring to a psychopathological test or to try to put it simply a compulsory action indicator. You didn't try hard enough. Well, never mind. I'm ready if you are. Fine. Fine. Now I will give you a word, then you will tell me the word you associate with it. Ready? Black. All right. Black. Black. I thought you'd mention another color. We just met. Why should I start an argument? There's no argument at all. It's a simple test. If I said, boy, you'd say, girl, now do you understand? Oh, I think so. All right. All right. Chair. Thanks. I've got one. Here's the word. You're supposed to say another word. I'm sorry. I'll try again, daughter. Okay. Try it again. I am trying it again. Listen, daughter. I am listening, Pa. What word does it suggest to you? Sun. At last. Now you've grasped the fundamental. Oh, hey. Hello. Good. Bad. That isn't the word. William Byrne. What is his connection with Table? At the last party we were on, he wound up under one. Maybe these past few weeks have been too much for me. However, I'll try one more approach. This is the cycle quiz used by many of my contemporaries. Alice Brooks, have you had your choice? Which of all of the animals in the world would you rather be? Animals. Let's see. Oh, that's easy. I'd rather be a turtle. Turtle? Why? Because I like to dance. I'd rather be a turtle because you like to dance. Well, I don't want you to think I'm eccentric, Mr. Gidney, so I'd like to make a qualifying statement with that answer. What is it? I like to dance underwater. So much for the cycle quiz. Oh, come in, Mr. Gidney. That's something... Well, why... Oh, oh, I see now. He's wearing a pig's head. That's no way to talk about the editor of our school paper. Well, then meet Mr. Gidney. Glad to know you, sir. Miss Brooks, do you mean to tell me that you don't see a pig's head on this boy? Only when he eats. So you're feeling all right, Mr. Gidney? I thought so too now. You're positive that you don't see a pig's head on this fellow. Are you positive you do see one? Well, it could be a transitory illusion, I suppose. Oh, I certainly hope so, but if it is... Come in. Hello, Miss Brooks. Well, Mr. Boynton, how nice to see you. Now, these interruptions have got... Do you remember Mr. Boynton? Mr. Boynton, but he looks like a wolf. Boy, have you got the wrong number. Perfectly normal to me. I mean, that is not a wolf's head he's got on. Mr. Gidney, have you been nipping at our elderberry boot? Walter, do you see a wolf's head on Mr. Boynton? That's ridiculous. How nutty can you get? I don't know, but Mr. Gidney is nudging a fruitcake. I'm afraid the strain you've been under is affecting your nervous system, sir. But I've never had any symptoms like this before. Fall in. Come in. Hi, folks. Conklin. Is nothing the matter again, Mr. Gidney? Your wife is a sheep. What do you see this time? This time, you go first. Oh, Harry, it looks perfectly fine to me. I know. Why don't you ask her what animal she'd like to be? From my point of view, that's fairly apparent. She already has the head of a Tigris. Hasn't she? A Tigris? That's a hard one. It's no laughing matter. I must be cracking up. I shouldn't have taken on this assignment. What I need is a good long rest. But what about your reports to the board of education? In my condition, I'd better notify the board to overlook them, or why it would be... Good afternoon, everyone. Mr. Conklin. What's going on here? Why do all you people look like animals? Then you see them, too, Mr. Conklin. Oh, certainly, I see them. You're both nervous, Rex. We never really thought you were crazy, Mr. Gidney. Crazy? What is all this nonsense about? It's quite simple, Mr. Conklin. These precious associates of yours almost succeeded in making me believe that I was out of my mind. What? They wanted me to think that I was incapable of giving these tests, but now that I realize that I'm not having a nervous breakdown, I'll send in my reports immediately. And you will be the first one transferred, Mr. Conklin. I'll be transferred? But why? What were the results of my tests? You will make an excellent brush salesman. Put me down for three whiffs, Froome. Boy, this is preposterous. This is...this is... Answer the phone, Ms. Broke. The phone, sir? The phone? Yes. Don't you hear it ringing? I don't hear a thing. Well, then I'll input myself. Hello? Who? What number do you want? Oh, no, I'm sorry. You must have the wrong number. You...you heard the phone? Oh, he hears it constantly. He also hears doorbells. Oh, there goes that phone again. Well, this time I'm just going to let it ring. What? Oh, no wonder they look like animals to him, too. We are on the same boat. I'm getting out of here. I need at least a year's vacation. But, Mr. Gidney, what about your report? Channel F was broken up with the paper they're written on. Well, that's bad. Thanks for your quick thinking, Mr. Conklin. You've saved all our jobs. Never mind the soft soap, Ms. Broke. For your part in perpetrating this thoroughly nefarious scheme without first consulting me, you shall be punished and punished more. Oh, pardon me, sir. I think I hear the doorbell. I'd better hurry and answer it. Doorbell, I... Doorbell, I... Oh, it's over at my house. Oh, it's... Sometimes I think I'd rather be a spade-foot toad and sink right out of sight, leaving such headaches as Mr. Gidney far behind. Mr. Conklin was played by Gail Gordon. Others in tonight's cast were Jane Morgan, Dick Crenna, Bob Rockwell, Gloria McMillan, and Bob Sweeney.