 Well, hello and welcome to Jonathan from the heart. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com and I'm so excited to be doing this short video for you today. Our topic, we're gonna talk about money in a relationship. All right, really quickly, if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you could be notified of new videos. And if any time during this video, the content resonates with you, please hit that like button so I could be seen in the YouTube algorithms. Really quickly, these are my weekend videos. I shoot out on my balcony, very similar to the videos I shoot my private group called Midlife Love Mastery. This is a group where you can have direct access to me on a regular basis. And based on the questions you post in the group, I shoot personalized videos just for you. All right, I need to move the camera for a second to straighten it out. And we're gonna talk about, yes, we're gonna talk about money in relationship. Maybe that's scared look. So, you know, I think of money as the unspoken conversation when dating, because there's just a lot of expectation around money. You remember the song? Money, money, money, money, money, money, money. Does anyone know who the singer of that song was or the group? Because I can't seem to find it online. But the reason why I'm talking about this, because it is an unspoken conversation. And yet, do you realize that roughly 50% of divorces cite money as the primary problem in the relationship? Think about that. 50% of divorces cite money as the primary problem. So from a dating perspective, I think it's important to think about this. In fact, I was listening to a, actually the impetus for this video today was based on a podcast I was listening from a marriage and family therapist and his specialty is talking about money in the relationship and to help couples with their money narrative. He talked about two things, money or financial empathy and financial history. I'm gonna repeat that, financial empathy and financial history. And I'm gonna lean into my own personal beliefs around money, which might help those of you understand why I talk about it on videos and I've talked about this on who pays for a first date. And even he said money is on the mind of people on a first date. Women are looking at men, what kind of car does he drive? Where did he take me out to dinner? How does he dress? And oftentimes it's women who look at it from a financial status, at least listening to this broadcast. And it's because you're assessing a man, could this man take care of me? Could this man take care of me? And I certainly understand that for the 20 and 30 year old woman who may not have very much financial stability in her life. And yet for those of us in midlife, it's a whole different ballgame. I know so many women who got married and ended up being the primary, the man was the primary breadwinner and the woman was the primary caretaker of the children. And when they got divorced, there was a financial calamity that happened that many women had to go back in the workforce to sustain themselves. And they didn't expect this to happen. And even the alimony and child support isn't enough to sustain someone's lifestyle. So these are really important things to be thinking about. And sadly, from a dating perspective, I see this conversation so superficial. It is so superficial. It's the man's job to pay for the date and because I spend all this money getting dressed up for the date and it's his job to pay. And I'm saying it with almost that kind of anger because, well, first off, ladies, when you go out to dinner with your girlfriends and you get dressed up, do you make a girlfriend pay for your date? No, you wouldn't do that. So why do you treat a total stranger and have this expectation? And I'm gonna be candid with you. I have a beef with that. I understand where the narrative comes from. My beef is the expectation around it. And when relationships begin with expectations, let me just say this. It's the mother of disaster. And sadly, desperation is the twin sister to the mother. So I think it's important to understand that when you're meeting a total stranger, a man, to have this grand expectation about what he's supposed to do for a date is primarily part of the problem of why the dating process is so messed up. And by the way, men are just as equally bad in the way they date. I mean, it's a cluster F out there, the dating process. It's a real mess out there. And it's not helped because of these devices. I mean, the whole dating process hasn't helped because of these devices because the reality is, is dating today, and again, I mentioned before, you're meeting total strangers, is that it's not really about connecting with someone as a potential partner, as a potential mate. You're not really connecting with this person. It's like sport these days. And let me explain what I mean. I want you to think back maybe 50 or 60 years ago. When a man went out on a date with a woman, they liked each other. It was basically that's all whom he dated her. She dated him. And it was primarily with the intent because there wasn't sex involved. It was with the intent of maybe marrying this person. Now we are spending so much time evaluating people and we're evaluating people and evaluating people. And partly because in many cases we don't share the same values with, let me rewind for a second. When we're meeting strangers, we don't know if we share the same values with this person. We don't know if our lifestyles are blendable and more important, we don't even know if this person even has relationship skills to be in a healthy, happy relationship. But we could spend all day talking about those three things. Because today dating is hyper focused on chemistry and romance and not enough understanding the mechanics to the healthy, happy relationship, which includes a money conversation. Which includes a money conversation. And I think it's rather naive not to talk about this relatively early on. And this is why I'm pushing a narrative of being more intentional in the dating process instead of cavalier and ambivalent. Let me repeat that. Most folks operate from a place of ambivalence and they're very cavalier. It's not with any intentionality. And these days, I gotta tell you something. These devices have basically replaced prostitution. There I said it. These devices replace prostitution. What I mean is, you can swipe on someone, you can love bomb them, you can have sex, all of this within three dates and pretty much dump that person. So in a way, and if the man pays for all the dates, great, because he got paid to get laid. It's replaced prostitution. There I said it. I might be really pissing some people off with. I'm gonna say today, the dating is a absolute S show. I don't curse on my weekend videos. Those who know me know that I don't curse on my weekend videos. So I wanna share something personal because I've shared this before. And that is I'm looking for a partner who not an equal partner. It's not about equality. I'm looking at is that we are mutually both investing in the process. We're in the dating process. We're both mutually investing in the dating process. By the way, my t-shirt says, I'm not great advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? So I said a moment ago how I'm seeking. And by the way, this is really an important share because I think this will illustrate something for all of you that might help going forward. And that is I'm looking for a partner, a partner. Think about that. I'm looking for a partner. And my hope is to meet someone who, I show up with, and I'm gonna use the money conversational amongst other things. First off, I'd like to think I show up as an emotional grownup, okay? With good relationship skills. I say that I don't know yet until I meet the next person who I fall in love with and spend the rest of my life with. But I come to the table with okay financial status. I'm not a multimillionaire, but I'm certainly in the top five to 10% of people here in the United States, okay? I'd like to meet someone who's relatively close, maybe a little higher, maybe a little lower, but we're relatively comparative with one another from that financial status. It's not an absolute, but that would be ideal because I believe two incomes are better than one. And so I've recognized that this really might help you. I wanna share with you my financial history to help you understand something. And you might have financial empathy for me, and I invite you to do the exact same thing for you. I want you to look at your financial history and look at yourself from a financial empathetic place. Because many people have a unique sense as many people have a unique script when it comes to money. And by the way, there's two books I'm gonna talk about in a minute to really illustrate this a little bit deeper. And that is after when I went to, when I got married, my programming growing up was go to college, get a job, meet a girl, buy a house, start a family. That was my programming. I was programmed in that provider protector and I put most of my energy in the provider protector role. And I guess my assumption was that my spouse would be in charge of the children. And I say this because I wasn't a really good husband because I was so hyper focused on being that provider protector because that was the narrative I was raised in that I actually had terrible relationship skills. I was completely dysfunctional in our marriage because I had terrible emotional maturity for myself and terrible relationship skills. I'm gonna own that. By the way, she was no picnic either. So let's not make her out to be a saint here. I'm just saying where I came in to the picture. And right before we filed for divorce or when, excuse me, when we decided we were gonna break up, I lost my quarter million dollar a year job. I lost my quarter million dollar a year job. And shortly thereafter, I got wiped out in the market crash of 2008. So I'm literally feeling the ground underneath me fell apart and literally she was gonna have to take care of the children and she wanted to extort all the money I had and there was a lack of appreciation. So because of this conflict we were experiencing. So that's part one of my money narrative, okay? I wanted everyone to understand this because I felt no appreciation for what I had accomplished for us and then all of a sudden I felt being extorted. That's how I was feeling, whether it's true or not, that's how I was feeling. I wanna rewind for a second in my childhood and this is what I invite you all to do is rewind into your childhood for a moment because this is part of your financial history. In my childhood, I can't remember if I was 10 years old, give or take but my father also went through a financial crisis because he was the primary breadman or my mom was the pear taker. And I remember this specifically that my mom went out and got a job. Her craft was a seamstress and she went to go get a job at Macy's as a seamstress there doing the tailoring in the back room and it was probably a minimum wage slightly above job. No, actually it was a little bit better than minimum wage but she contributed, she went into partnership with my dad. So my baseline thinking was, if there's a money issue, my mom was a partner to my dad. Here I went through a divorce and all of a sudden it was like I'm being extorted. So I have this conflicted view around money in relationship and I'll never forget. And so this is critically important. This relates to when I talk about this in other videos it's important to understand this because I had a date with a woman I remember was 2014 and our first date was a dive bar. Our first date was a dive bar. It's like perfect. I mean, it was like so much fun. Dive bars can be a lot of fun and it's a place I've been to frequently. It's near where I live and she was from out of town and while the relationship didn't work out this story is so prevalent as part of my financial history. Is on our first date, we went to the bartender. I happened to know him. We got around to drinks. I had him $20, which included the tip and that was great. You know, it was time for our second round. I remember I was sitting at the bar and she was standing there and she leans over and hands the credit card to the bartender and I looked at her and I said, no, I've got it. And she goes, no, I've got it. And I said, no, I have it. And she goes, no, I have it. And we got into a little pissing match. Now I know all the feminine energy coaches would say she was in her masculine energy and she was emasculating you. That is not what happened because what happened next blew me away and this helps maybe help you understand where I'm coming from is that as she put her hand on my arm she looked me in my eyes and said, Jonathan, I really appreciated that you treated for the first round. Would you allow me to show my appreciation and treat you because I think you're worth it. Can you receive? In that moment I thought, oh my God, that brings me back to my childhood where my mom said to my dad, I'm a part of this team and I wanna be a part of this and I'm helping. And so it's important to recognize that money is a critical factor in relationships and this was the first date we had this. I realized, by the way, it used to be when we went out to dinners and we did stuff. It's like, it's my turn. No, it's my turn. No, it's my turn. She didn't even get into the hole. I spent all this money getting dressed up and I got my nails done and I got my hair done so you have to do this for me. No, it used to be kind of fun because it came from a place of generosity and not a place of expectation. So there's two books I want to introduce you to if you haven't read them before is Eight Dates by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. And in week date four is talking about money and your financial history around money. It's important to have these conversations relatively early on rather than the grand expectation that it's on men. This is where a lot, because look at my coffee mug says coffee tastes better when shared. Money is a shared conversation. It's not based on expectation. I know you don't like hearing this. I know it's not romantic. And yet I'm witnessing many couples going through real money issues because they don't talk about it. It's the pink elephant in the room. And there's a second book I want to talk to you about. Oh, by the way, well, let me bring up my book. So what the heck is self love anyway? By the way, there's a link below. One of the chapters in my book is centered around financial. It's what chapter is it? What's called be a good steward of your money, chapter 23. Not that it relates to dating, but this is really important stuff. And I suggest checking out the book Take Two Dates by Neil Clark Warren. This is the guy who started eHarmony. I'm not recommending eHarmony, but one of the things in here is talks about financial security. Listen, folks, you can have expectations around men or you can start thinking ahead because if you're seeing where the potholes could be in a relationship, then it's better to talk about it sooner rather than later. That's my invitation for everyone. It's not romantic. It's not sexy. But here's the thing I want to encourage you all to do. Stop taking the dating process so cavalierly and so ambiguously, ambiguously, ambiguous, ambivalent, ambivalent. Because you know what? If you want to change your love life right now, then start treating this process with a lot more understanding. And this is why I recommend these books. And by the way, there's a link below to get all the books I recommend. By the way, there's a link below if you want to schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you because one of the things I talk about is money in the relationship. I call it financial agreement. And it's an important conversation to learn how to have these conversations with people. Because there's a lot of things, there's a lot of reasons why relationships don't work out. And this is one of the primary ones. The other one is intimacy. And I don't mean sex. I mean, into me you see. Because a lot of people here today are winging it when it comes to their love life. And I want to encourage you to be empowered in your love life. Are you ready to be empowered in your love life? Please post a comment below. Say, Jonathan, I'm ready to be empowered in my love life. And that's my invitation for you all, which includes understanding the money piece because whether you like it or not, you have a 50% chance of it ruining your relationship. And I don't want you to relationship to be ruined. All right, I think we covered a lot today. Hope you found value in this. If you did, please post a comment below. Check out my group called Midlife Love Mastery This is a group where you can have direct access to me on a regular basis as well as a discovery call. And if you want to follow me on Instagram, click the link below. All right, and we're going to wrap up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big gigantic Jonathan Barrack of self love. I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love. I'm going to ask you to turn to a friend, a pet, a teddy bear pillow. Here's a teddy bearer. Give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. Let's face it, we could all use love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye bye now.