 Welcome back. I'm Rivka. I'm Shalma Slackin. And welcome to the Marriage Restoration Project channel. Today we're going to talk to you about a topic that a lot of people want to know about, and that is, is therapy working for you? Is your therapist actually helping you? Are they making things worse? Here are five ways to know. Before we dive into the meat, please click on the like and subscribe button so you get notified of the next video that we drop. It's going to be also on a very important topic that affects all relationships. So thank you and please comment below about anything we speak about that you have questions about or want to know more about or maybe doesn't make sense to you and you need some clarification. So let's dive in Shalma. You are the marriage counselor. Tell us, how can people know if their therapist, their marriage counselor, is actually helping them or making things worse? Well, obviously, if things are getting better, then you know it's helping. If things are getting worse, then it's worth looking into. But I would say we're going to share some things. So number one, I would say, are they replicating, are you replicating in the therapy session, your interaction at home? Do you mean like when you go to typically what people think of marriage counseling, if they've never been, where you go, you sit, and you basically start complaining about your spouse and then you end up screaming at each other and the therapist is basically just sitting there. So it's, is that what you're talking about? Yes. It's pretty much the same thing at home. Right. So if you're doing the same thing at home as you're doing it in the therapy office, you're going to get the same results. And that's, you know, pretty lousy, the same results that made you come to therapy in the first place. So the therapy office has to be structured differently. The first thing that I tell couples when I do a two-day private retreat with them is that before everything, the most important thing over all of the issues that you have is safety. If you don't have safety, you can't interact. So I'm creating an environment with emotional safety where, and what we do is we have the couple facing each other. This, they're not talking to me about each other. They're talking to each other, facilitating their relationship. They're not talking about each other. They're not yelling. We don't allow them to yell and scream, shame and blame, all of these things that are the normal interaction that's brought you to therapy, we don't allow it in there. And what that does is creates a different environment so that your therapy is going to be much more productive. So if you're just going into therapy and screaming and yelling and doing the same things you do at home, they might want to think twice. Yeah. That sounds like a no brainer, even though I think it's actually genius because I remember when my parents went as a child, I remember them coming back very angry and pretty much yelling and screaming at each other the same way they did at home in the therapist's office. So it almost seems like the therapist needs to set some ground rules. Is that what you would call that? Ground rules and I mean, we have a very structured process in a muggle. I can't speak for other modalities, but you have to have some type of training. I just remember in grad school, thinking about what are you supposed to do? Like I had a family come in and like, I don't even know that all these people in here, I can talk to one person, they have two people, three people. I mean, how do I make sure that everything works? So you have to have some type of process, some type of order to otherwise it's going to be chaos. And that's why a lot of individual therapists don't like working with couples because since they're not trained and working with couples, they, you know, it could be like a free for all. It's a free for all. For sure. It's very hard to contain. Yeah. And they're, and you shouldn't be the one telling your therapist what to do. The therapist needs to be the one to create the safe space for you. You're going to them for help. They need to be the one to take charge and to realize that this is an important thing for you. And if they don't, then, you know, when I kind of want to fire the therapist, but it's just, we need, we want you to know how to know if it's working for you because a lot of people have that question. So number one is there needs to be ground rules that are established or a safe environment established where you're not just repeating the same fights you're having at home, the same dynamic because insanity is what, what's the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and just get accepting, expecting different results. Great. Okay. Number two, how can they know? Number two is are you going to your therapist and you leave your therapist with new doubts about your partner questioning the relationship? Now this can happen in the context of if couples therapy can be in the context of individual therapy. Some couples therapy see the individual separately. We don't do that. That's, we could say that in another video maybe, but why we don't see spouses. We only see them together for couples work. But sometimes, you know, I've had therapists, colleagues tell me, you know, sometimes I just don't know, like maybe this relationship was just like, they're done or like they're not really best suited for each other anymore. Like the therapist is God and can make that decision. So ultimately, you know, the couple, you're coming for therapy, you want to make your marriage better. You're not coming to the therapist to tell you or give you an insinuate why you should leave the relationship, why you should have a trial separation. You can watch our video on trial separation, why you should get divorced or any of these things. You want someone who's going to help encourage your relationship and help you do the work needed to make it better. So if you're walking away with doubts, feeling worse about it, coming home, anger at your spouse. My therapist said such and such, you know, we have lots of stories about that. Before we did couples therapy together, I used to see an individual therapist and every time I'd come back from a session, I'd come home angry at Shlomo, why didn't you ever think of doing this? And how come you don't do that? And it was because the therapist would raise some questions about what Shlomo was or was not doing. And then would it start, I would start getting really super confused about, oh, and I come home and, and then we finally realized if you're coming home feeling worse about anything, that's probably a sign that it's not helping. Yeah. And I actually went to her one time and I came home and she was saying, well, you know, Rivka, you know, what's wrong with her? She needs to work. And it was like, it's funny. I've heard stories of therapists like they'll tell one spouse, you know, your spouse says this personality disorder, but they didn't tell the spouse. And then they tell the other spouse. So they both called me separately. They tell me that, yeah, they were both diagnosed with something. And like they were told that their spouse is the problem, but, but neither one knows that the therapist also said the same thing about them. So that's a huge red flag. So number two is if you're coming home feeling worse and you have some doubts or you're just kind of questioning your whole existence, red flag, red flag. Number three is taking sides. If you're coming for couples therapy, you want a therapist who's going to be a therapist for the couple, for the relationship. Your relationship is the patient, not your husband, not your wife. And if they start taking sides and they start, you know, saying, well, you know, you're the problem and, you know, the other reason why you have problems in the relationship or you're the one who needs to get fixed. Or he is the one that need to get fixed or she's the one that needs to get fixed. No, that's a, that's a, that's a red flag because I mean, yes, there are people who do pretty bad things. And on the surface for sure, it looks much worse, but at the same time, you're coming as a couple. And to number one, to imply that one person is only the problem is, it's not really reality because it's the relationship dynamic, which, which causes the problem. Meaning the dance, meaning I trigger you, you react a certain way, you trigger me, and back and forth, right? Right. It's what I'm doing. It doesn't mean that like, you know, if somebody is like, has an alcohol addiction, it doesn't mean that, you know, they don't need to get help for that. And then it's a problem for the relationship, but it's not the sole problem in the relationship. There's usually something else going on in the relationship as well. And we're here to deal with that. And if you're alarmed and you're thinking, what about abusers? We'll do another video on emotional abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse. So we're not talking about dangerous situations where you're under threat of your physical safety being. We're talking about regular run-of-the-mill things. Or you could say like, you know, you're, you're just your control, you know, your husband is just really controlling. So, you know, if you accept being controlling your marriage, it would be better. You have to look at what are you both doing? Yes, everyone needs to take responsibility, but both people can take responsibility for what they're doing to contribute to the situation. And it's really important. Yes, you need to speak out on something. You know, if something is, if someone's like yelling and screaming or calling names, the therapist needs to say, you know, that's not appropriate. It's not, it doesn't create a safe environment. They need to really set boundaries and lay down the law. At the same time, you don't want to have a situation where it's, where it's like two against one, because you'll never get the other person on board. They will not be fully on board to actually participate and do their best to help, to even change. So it's counterproductive. That's number three. So if your therapist is taking sides and identifying one of you as the person that needs to change, that's a red flag to know that this is not going to be helpful for your relationship in the long run. Number four. So this is, you know, you might think this isn't such a bad thing, but a lot of times therapists like to give advice or kind of just troubleshoot and problem solve the situation. And you might find that really helpful because you have some issues that need to be problem solved. But ultimately, if you're not, if you're just problem solving issues and you're not dealing with, you're putting a bandaid on it, you're not really dealing with the underlying issues. So do you mean like if you want to know what to do with the kids or you disagree about what school to send them to or whatever, do you not want the therapist to give you their feedback about that or tell you what to do or how to make those decisions? Well, not that you don't want that, but you want the therapist to help you be able to have that conversation and also help you explore the issue because what happens on the surface level and what's really going on are two different things. So on the surface level, you could be at odds with your spouse. Both of you have different opinions and, you know, you're not really sure what to do and you can't really meet in the middle. But if you can, if the therapist can actually help you explore it, why it's important to you, the underlying issues often childhood issues triggers, you know, especially things that seem to be like irrational responses. People have, you know, really irrational, you know, I would say maybe irrational or disproportionate, it's a better way to say disproportionate responses to something, meaning that the punishment doesn't fit the crime, you know, the reaction really, really angry. Yeah, right. And it's like, why is it such a big deal to you that you can't even budge or think about another option or think about, you know, how to compromise? Well, instead of trying to help them compromise, instead of trying or to say you should do it like this way or that way, or, you know, one of you just has to suck it up and deal with it, teach them how to understand why is it bothering me so much? Oh, now I know why, you know, the thought of going to that school is like a fate worse than death. Oh, well, you know what, maybe it isn't so bad after all, or your spouse understands why it bothers you and then they can be more sensitive. Okay, I really see why this is such a big trigger for you. You know, maybe I can be more flexible and we can find a third way. You know, there's so many different options there. But if you're both kind of sticking to your guns, and not really understanding what's beneath the surface, you're only going to stay on a shallow level. And you can try to fix the problem. But when it's a really big problem, it's going to be quite difficult when both people are digging their heels in. So it sounds like a good therapist will help the couple identify the deeper underlying root of issues rather than just giving them assignments and homework, like, okay, well, on Wednesday, you take out the trash and on Thursday, you make sure to make him dinner, right? Exactly, because I find that, you know, it's very, you can have people that are submissive and they're willing to do things for the sake of their relationship, but they begin to resent it or it doesn't really last very long. But if you do something because you're motivated because you have compassion for your partner, and you understand them, you understand why it hurts them, you'll do it. And we have we have a video on our online program that we have where at home program where we're sharing about this. We had this fight for years in the kitchen about peeling vegetables, you know, I'll link to it in the comments. And I feel that I feel the vegetables in the sink and I clean up afterwards. And it was like, no, you have to put it in a brown garbage bag. And and I just thought it was the craziest thing in the world. And I had my own feelings about it. Because here I am coming to help you and you're making a big deal and getting mad at me. It was horrible. We had a dialogue on the video live, live recorded dialogue, unscripted, and we went through it. And I learned there was much more had nothing to do with me peeling vegetables in the sink. It had everything to do with her childhood and her experience in the kitchen and what it was like for her. And and emotional issues. And I was like, you know what, I don't need to peel the vegetables in the sink. I don't even need to defend myself about her treatment because I realized I just set her off. And I wasn't doing on a purpose. But I set her off. I understand where it's coming from. And I didn't want to, I didn't want to hurt her. And so it's not a big deal. So it sounds like what you're saying, if a therapist told you, don't peel vegetables in the sink. You know, Rifka has an issue with it. So you should just peel vegetables in the garbage. And you know, I still have my resentment about like, who is she to like, have an attitude about this when I'm helping her so much? Or it's a stupid idea or I clean up whatever defense I have. It would have been a missed opportunity. And I could have forced myself to do it, but I still would have had the resentment and the negative feelings as opposed to I felt connection after we discovered the depth. I felt more connected. And we felt the issue was dealt with, you know, basically pretty much forever, now Rifka peels vegetables in the sink. Yeah, so getting to the root of things, understanding the childhood wound behind it, the emotional attachment and connection to the frustration is huge. So just giving, you know, going to a therapist, getting advice, getting tasks, getting assignments, getting homework, without going deeper, it's not really going to do that much. And there might be missed opportunities in that case. Okay. And then the last, the last thing is one thing that I find a lot of couples therapists don't do is that they don't, or a couple of therapy does not provide skills. I've had people come to me that said, you know, we went to this type of therapy, and we, I mean, it was interesting, but we have no tools. We don't know, we have nothing to do at home. We don't know how to get through the next argument. Right. You're dependent on the therapist. So if you're dependent on the therapist, in the beginning, and especially the huge, really big issues, and I always tell couples, in the beginning, you want to save the big issues for our sessions, try to work on little ones, but people are equipped with tools, you know, exactly. If I have a conflict, and this is one of the, it's very empowering, you know, I know that we felt like when we did the work ourselves as, as the patient, we knew that we were empowered with skills. We knew like, well, we don't have to be afraid. If we have a fight, or we have an argument, or we have a difference of opinion, or something I want to talk about, I'm afraid to share. I know that I can make an appointment. I can make a time. We can talk about it. I can share it with you. You can listen to me. I can feel heard. I'm not afraid of it. We had a toolbox. And we had a toolbox. And in a manga, we give a really, you have a really specific process, and you know it works because you've experienced it already in a program that it actually works. And you have it and you can take it home with you. And that's what we do with couples. We give the couples our no blame, no shame communication process. So they have those tools in their toolbox so that way the next time something arises at home, and we're not there to help, or you're not available to come see us, you have it, you can use it at home, and you can be successful without being driven further apart. And that is huge. That is huge. That's why I think Shlomo is so great, and your program is so great in working with couples in your two day retreat, because they really can go home, not dependent on the therapist, but they can actually be successful at home between. Right. And that's a goal. We're not here to keep people in therapy forever. We don't think people need to go to couples counseling for years on end, or even a year. Right. Short term. Depending on the situation. Yeah. You know, ultimately we want you to take the bull by the horns and integrate into your daily life, and be able to be successful. Because you know, there's always issues that pop up, and you can fix one, but another one's going to come up. But if you have the tools, like whack-a-mole, right, you can deal with anything. So that is another episode for today. We gave you five signs to look out for to know if therapy's working for you. If there's any potential red flags, let us know in the comments how you found these tips. And maybe you'd like a video about how to actually find a good therapist, since we just talked about how to know if therapy is not working for you. But if there is something related to this topic you'd like to learn more about, please let us know in the comments. Please also share this video with anyone who might be struggling and asking you the same thing. How do I know if therapy is working for me? We'd love to hear from you, and it will help our videos get shown to more couples like you. Please also know that we have some free resources for you available on our website, namely the 60-second action plan to a happy and healthy marriage. It's pretty much what we did in 60 seconds. That can help you improve your marriage. Only 60 seconds, promise. So be sure to look out for the link to sign up for that, and we'll see you next time. Take care. Bye-bye.