 From the Davis-Monson Air Base in Tucson, Arizona, the Abaddon Costello program, brought to you by Camel, the cigarette of costlier, properly aged tobaccos. See if your throat and your taste don't make Camel a first with you too. Find out for yourself. Listen to the great rhythms of Freddie Rich and his orchestra, the swingy singing of Connie Haynes. And that chubby little civilian who, when he reported to the commanding officer, uttered these historic words. Hey! Costello, where have you been? Just look at you, your face is spread with lipstick. From your eyebrows to your chin. Yeah, I know that, Abad. That's the last time I'll ever kiss a whack in the jeep with a motor on it. Look, I missed you on the train coming out from Hollywood. Costello, where were you? Abad, I had a very rough trip. You did? I had to stand up all the way. Everybody had a place to sleep with me. There was even an army dog sleeping in an upper berth. A dog in an upper berth? Yeah. Why didn't you complain to the conductor? I did. I said, conductor, there's an army dog in the upper berth and I can't understand it. And what did he say? He says, I can't understand it either. He paid for a lower. I know. Never mind that. Look. So, he got a drawing room. Oh, right. Never mind. Look, what is that outfit you're wearing? Oh, I'm supposed to be a cowboy, Abad. You do? How do you like my four-gallon hat? That, Costello, don't you mean a ten-gallon hat? Nope. Four-gallons. All I had was an eight-ticket. Well, if you're supposed to be a cowboy, where are your chaps? What did you say? The chaps. The chaps. Where are the chaps? I don't know where the chaps are now, but brother, they ain't on Ewo Jima. Costello, I didn't think it was possible for you to get so dumb. Oh, I can do anything if I set my mind to it. I can imagine. Why, this morning, I went back horse-riding. Yeah, you went what? Horse-back-riding. How could you ride a horse? You're a tender foot. Tender foot? Brother, you've got your geography all wrong. All right, all right, all right, all right. What kind of a horse did you ride? It's tender. Wait a minute, I understand that. Explain it to me. What kind of a horse did you ride? Did you have a mustang? No, I used to have a mustang. I had it, but I shaved it off. Made my girlfriend very jealous. What do you mean? It was bigger than hers. No, no. Listen, you nitwit, I'm talking about a mustang, not a mustache. You ride on a mustang, but you can't ride on a mustache. Well, you could ride on mine that had handlebars. Costello, I don't believe you can ride at all. Oh, yes, I can. Can you make your horse do a canter? No, but I made him do a jolson. He got down on one knee and he sang Mammy. He did? Mammy! Just a minute, Costello. Are you trying to tell me your horse sang Mammy? Well, he didn't sing it all the way through. He whistled the last chorus. Okay. Look, Costello, that's impossible. How can a horse whistle? I put my fingers in his mouth. And he whistled? Oh, he bit me. He bit you? Then I whistled. Yeah, then you whist. Never mind that. Look, what do you feed your horse? Well, this morning I give him a bucket of whiskey. A bucket of whiskey? Yep. I felt very sorry for him. What do you mean? The man that rented him to me told me he's got to go back on a wagon tomorrow. You... Look, you idiot, the man rented you a gray horse. He is not a gray horse. He's a brown horse with white stripes. No, no, no, Costello, I'm not talking about the horse's color. He didn't have any color. He only wears the color when he pulls the wagon. No, look, if he pulls a wagon, he's a gray horse. He has to be a gray horse to pull a wagon. How do you like that? This guy wants to put all the other horses out of work. All the black horses, the white horses, all the brown horses, they will have no jobs at all. Nothing but gray horses pulling the wagon. No, no, no, calm down, Costello. I'm only trying to tell you that if he pulls a wagon, he's a gray horse. A gray horse works on a gray. Abbott, this horse works overtime. He pulls the wagon in a gray time, and I ride him at night. Look, you dummy, when I say he's a gray horse, I don't mean he's a day horse. I mean he's a gray horse. Now, a gray horse can work in the day or at night and still be a gray horse. He can work at night on the gray. Oh, when you say he's a gray horse, you don't mean he's a gray horse. You mean he's a gray horse and a gray horse can still be a gray horse when he works night or day. Now, you've got it. Now, I've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about. And let's forget all about it. We'll see what you know about horses. What page do you want, Abbott? Number four. Oh, my! Oh, my! I'll find out what you know about horses in just a minute. Do you prefer an eastern saddle or a western saddle? Well, I don't know where it comes from, but I like it. I drink a big glass of saddle every morning. You dummy, what kind of saddle can you put in a glass? Saddle a paddockin. Castelli, you'll never be a cowboy. Why, you haven't even got a lasso. A what? I said lasso. A lasso is a rope or a coil. Oh, I got very pretty coils. My mother coils my coil every morning. Right on my forehead, I got a spit coil. No, no, no, Castelli. The coil, I mean, is a line that hangs on the saddle. Cowboys use it to catch horses and cows. They catch horses and cows? Sure. They catch horses and horses on a line? Certainly. What do they use for bait? Hey, Castelli, look, let's forget the whole thing. Now, while you're here in Arizona, why don't you take advantage of the beauties of the desert? I tried that this morning, Abbott, and one of them slapped me right in the push. I... I'm not talking about girls. I mean the beauties of nature. You should go see the Grand Canyon. That Grand Canyon is a fake. What do you mean the Grand Canyon is a fake? I went out there to look at it yesterday. There's nothing there but a big hole. They must have moved to someplace else. Castelli, that hole is the canyon. And I am going to visit the Grand Canyon tomorrow. I am going right up to the edge of the canyon. You're going right up to the edge? That's me. Abbott, be careful you don't fall off. But if you do fall, be sure and look to the left. Why? You'll never see a sight like that again, brother. Last year, Camel broke its own record, made more cigarettes than ever before in history. Now, a new production schedule topping even 1944 is planned for this year. And still, we can't promise to meet the civilian demand. Billions and billions of Camels are going to the servicemen overseas. And the service comes first. But when you do get Camels, they are still Camels. Rich, full flavor, cool mildness. Camels will not be sold down the river. They just wouldn't be Camels if we were to use green, insufficiently cured tobaccos. War or peace, Camels are still Camels. Camels, still the cigarette of costlier tobaccos. Ask for them every time you buy cigarettes. Camel presents Freddie Rich's band with a hit song from Gloomer Girls. Have a line up. Costello, isn't it wonderful to be playing to this fine bunch of clean living boys? What did you say they were? They're clean living boys. Clean living boys? Yeah. Well, a guy can't get very dirty on $50 a month. Well, look, wasn't your cousin Private Hugo Costello station at this base? Yeah, but they threw him out. He kicked an MP in the shins. You can't go around kicking MPs in the shins. You can't kick them anyplace. They're particular. Yeah. Look, will you talk, said Costello? Did you meet any Indians on the desert? Oh, sure. You know me. I'm an old Indian fighter. Fighter? Yeah. Well, why aren't you fighting? I can't find any old Indians. Oh, young. Uh, me Indian. Me sell moccasins. Me sitting bull. If you're sitting bull, why are you standing up? Me on vacation. Uh, Mr. Bull, I'll take a pair of those moccasins for Costello. Ah, good. Here. Wait a minute, wait a minute. These moccasins are kind of small, ain't you got a size 10? Say, what am I? Floreshine? I'm only an Indian. Hey, Abbott. Ryan. You know what? My Uncle Artie Steppes married an Indian girl, but he had a divorcer. Why? She used to walk on her sleep, and she took the blanket with her. Costello. Costello, I understand you're thinking of building a house out here on the desert. Yes. I was talking to an auto choke about the house this morning. I think you mean architect. An auto choke is an expense of delicacy. Well, there's nothing cheap about this crumb. Look, before you start building a house, I think you should see a model home. Okay, give me a model. I'll see your home. No, no, no, no. Don't talk silly, Costello. Now, I've taken the liberty of growing up some plans for your house, and here they are. Now, you'll notice I have placed your room here, the kitchen here, and the maid's room here. I like that, Abbott. Why? I'll have to go to the kitchen to get to the maid's room. I never mind that. Have you made arrangements to get the money to build your house? Oh, sure. I'm getting the money from the We Trust You, but if you cheat us, you won't have any luck-friendly credit finance company. What security did you have to give to get the loan? Oh, nothing. I just gave them my word, and my mother has to go and live with them. Oh. Come in. Ah, good evening, gentlemen. I'm from the friendly credit finance company. My name is Orc. Tommy Orc. I think before I spoke to your brother. Mohawk. Of course, I think so too. Now, Mr. Costello, our company makes a practice of examining all applicants for loans. I'll be a formality if I'm not too inquisitive. We have absolute faith and confidence in your honesty. See that, Abbott, they trust me. Now, Mr. Costello, please be so kindly and press your fingerprints on this pad. I'll check with Washington later after we take a sample of your blood. You're going to take my blood? Oh, just a couple of quads. We return it after the loan is paid up. Now, do you having any birth marks? No, but I got my girl's face tattooed on my chest. Are there any birth marks on that? Well, there's a mole there, but I don't know if it belongs on her chin or my chest. Very enlightening. Wait, will you give me that again, please? I say what you're saying to me is very enlightening. What do you talk with lumps? Thank you. Now, tell me this. What does the face looking like? Well, she's got dark curly hair. And every time I take a deep breath, she smiles. I see. Now, Mr. Costello, have you any marks of indentifnication on your body, like scars, wounds, or bruises? Noses. Well, if you happen to miss any of your payments, we'll attend to that. Hey, Abbott, what did he mean by that last crack? Oh, nothing, Costello. That's merely a matter of form. That's what I'm worried about, my form. I want to keep it the way it is. Now, Mr. Costello, in going over your plans, we find that your building thing is costing too many monies. We'll have to cut down. Cut down? All I want is a living room, a bedroom, a dining room, kitchen, and a mage room and a garage. I see. Well, in the first place, you don't need any dining room. Oh, now, wait a minute. Just a minute. If you take away the dining room, where in the world is the man going to eat? Well, the way this thing is going, I don't think I'm going to have an appetite. Exactly. You cannot expect to eat and make payments, too. Okay, the dining room is out. That was a pretty room. Such a beautiful wallpaper. Yes. Now, then, if you are not going to eat, you will not need a kitchen. And without a kitchen, you won't need any maid's room. Is it? I'm going to miss that maid. Yes, do me. That's very refreshing. No. Well, you cut it out with that. Not, not, not, not, man. Now, read straight. Let me eat, eat, eat, eat, eat. I'm sorry. That's the way I talk, and hasn't been paid in company. Let us get back to the house, please. Right here, that's the bedroom. Well, you can cut that out, too. I'll be so worried about the payments, I won't be able to sleep. Absolutely. Oh, say, incidental, what is this thing here? Well, that's the living room. Well, now, what do you want with a living room? You have no bedroom, no kitchen, and no dining room. Are you calling that living? All right, sir, we'll cut out the living room. Now, what have I got left? Well, you've got a lovely piece of ground there, Mr. Costello. Good. I can park there and live in my car. Oh, no, I'm afraid you couldn't do that, Mr. Costello. And why not? We take your car today for the down payment. To the loo. Hey, Abbott, you know I really outsmarted that guy? How did you outsmart him? I gave him a $500 deposit, and I ain't going to show up with the balance. For camel fans tonight, lovely Connie Haynes sings the sunny side of the street. And get your hat on the doorstep Just direct your feet To the sunny side of the street Can't you hear a pit of pain And that happy tune is your step Life could be so sweet On the sunny side of the street I used to walk in the shade With those blues on gray I'm not afraid Crossed over If I never have a say To the sad side of the street If I never have a say Any one of my favorite words I'd stand up here and ask you to compare camels with other cigarettes The mildness, the mellowness, the rich, full flavor Well, some of you did and some of you didn't But a lot of people lately have been having to compare camels with other cigarettes Whether they wanted to or not, what's with this shortage And as someone said the other day I've been smoking camels for years But I've just really found out What an incomparably swell cigarette it is I've tried a lot of brands But it's camels for me every time whenever I can get them And whenever you do get camels They are still getting camels No green, insufficiently cured tobaccos But the costlier tobaccos Properly aged and cured And blended in the traditional camel way So be sure to keep on asking for camels Every time you buy cigarettes 3 a.m. E.L.F. Camels, war or peace Camels are still camels Well, Castello How do you like this bunch of airmen here at Davis Month & Air Base? Abbott, they're one of them And so polite I walked all through the camp with Connie Hansen That one guy whistled at her I don't believe that Well, you can ask Colonel Northstein He was with us Oh I thought so And another thing Abbott These guys don't pay no attention to the 12 o'clock curfew They break it all the time They do? Yeah, curfew or no curfew They go to bed at 10 o'clock Found that out too, eh? Yeah And I also found out why they called those guys Buck Private You did? Yep I was out with five of them last night There wasn't a buck between them Yeah, certainly learning a lot about the army Tell me Do you know what the highest rank is? Yeah, private, first class PFC is not the highest rank Well, it's as high as you can go and still have friends Love talks, Hans Castella By the way, didn't your girlfriend Ruby Pulk you joined some branch of the service? Yeah, Abbott, Ruby is a sailor I think you mean she's a wing No, Ruby's a sailor, she's on a boat Castella, that's impossible They don't allow women on those boats Suppose somebody should find out Who's gonna tell? I Castella, you're a dope I'm a dope Yes Hey, Abbott, why don't your wife go in the army? What would my wife do in the army? She could teach the commandos to fight dirty Never mind that Who was that girl I saw you with in Phoenix yesterday? That was Tessie Tinfoil, telephone operator at the hotel I had a date with her Tessie Tinfoil? That dizzy blonde? She isn't all there There's enough of her there to have a date with Where did you take her? Where did I take her? I took her over here to the Davis Montenegro base And two rear gunners took a shot at Tessie How did that happen? Well, she's got so many circles under her eyes They thought she was a target Pardon me, sir May I use your microphone to send a message? Go right ahead, Lieutenant Go ahead Calling Mrs. Wilbur Fuzz Mrs. Fuzz, your husband, Private Fuzz Spent a very restful night He slept like a baby That is all Hey, who is Private Fuzz? He's our ninth century You know, he was doing good up till then? Yeah Bunk Never mind him Castella, how do you like this air base? All kidding aside I think it's okay Really wonderful But one of the GIs told me it would be much better If they'd cut out all that work And then drill them between meals Castella, suppose they should accept you in this outfit Which front would you like to do your fighting on? Florida But there's no fighting in Florida You're telling me It wouldn't hurt you to go into training You'd lose a lot of weight on your basic I bet my stomach would get thinner too I know one thing, Abbott I'd like the Air Force You would? I can just close my eyes And I could picture my first day in camp Sorry, Private Castella, I didn't realize Oh, so it's you, eh, Sergeant? Yes, I know It's kind of early But if you don't mind The colonel wants to know If he could have a word with you Oh, the colonel, that colonel I've got other things to do Okay, send the colonel in Private Castella At ease, colonel Court to hangar number one We need a man to change in any Hey, you give an orders to me? Yes Who are you? Of course, don't forget, I'm a colonel How much money do you make? Five hundred dollars a month Well, look, kids, you've got a good job Now don't louse it up Castello Private, I think the colonel is mad at you Now, I'll tell you what let's do You carry this bomb site over to headquarters So I can tell him you worked hard today Maybe he'll forgive you You want me to carry the bomb site, eh? Okay, Sergeant, give me the bomb site Now, be careful with it, Private Castella It costs ten thousand dollars Oops, I dropped it Butterfingers! Language, Sergeant And P in the joint Oh, now, Private, shame on you Quiet! Why are you surprised at you? Shut up! Talk to me in a civilian tongue I'm sorry, but this may cost you Your chance for promotion, Private Castella You may never get to be a corporal I don't want the job anyway Too much responsibility Besides my cousin, Hugo He started in the army as a corporal Oh, that's impossible How could he start as a corporal? Hugo was born with two stripes on him Now blow out of here, Sergeant Get out, I'm busy Go on, scat Good morning, Private Castella I said get out Hello, come in And who are you? I'm the Colonel's daughter What a spot for a traveling salesman Well, I'm pleased to meet you How's your old man? Well, he's just fine He was so excited when he found out You're always a sign here He just loves comical fellas Well, I'm glad to hear the Colonel likes me And you're a pretty sweet kid yourself Tell her, old man, I'll put in a good word for him with a draft board I just got an offer from the Navy, you know I'll take him along with me Private Castella And Daddy says to tell you that if you all live through the basic training He's going to see to it personally that you all get right into the thick of the fighting Right away Ah, kid, he don't have to do that I mean, wait a minute, wait a minute Where do you think he'll send me? I don't know exactly But he did mention Tokyo Tokyo? Are you kidding? I'm likely to get hurt over there They're double crosses They're using real bullets You'll have to worry, Private Castello Daddy says a minute you land in Japan He's going to declare you an open city Thanks, honey child, thanks You know, I know Wait a minute, wait a minute Listen, them jabs don't live up to no rules of war They don't recognize no open city I'm liable to be bombed That's what Daddy thinks too Goodbye Hey, aren't you Private Castello? Yeah, that's me Well, I'm an MP and you haven't reported for duty in 15 days Well, what are you going to do about it? Oh, nothing, we just missed you, that's all Alright, come on Come on, Castello, wake up, wake up What's the matter, Robert? It's Castello Castello, come here What? Your blood test just came back You've been turning down again By the Air Force? No, by the Red Cross They sent your blood back with this note Here, go ahead and read it Okay, dear Mr. Castello We are returning your blood We need plasma, not asthma Abandoned Castello will be back for camel cigarettes in just a minute Thanks to the angst of the week Tonight we salute Latune Sergeant Ernest I. Thomas of Tallahassee, Florida And the United States Marines Sergeant Thomas took over the command of his platoon When the commanding officer was wounded And was the first American to plant the stars and stripes On top of Mount Suribachi or Niwojima In your honor, Sergeant Thomas The makers of camels are sending to our fighters overseas 400,000 camel cigarettes Three camel radio shows honor the angst of the week By sending free 400,000 camel cigarettes overseas A total of more than a million camels sent free each week Camel broadcasts go out to the United States three times a week I rebroadcast practically every area in the world Where our men are fighting And in cooperation with a good neighbor policy Also to Central and South America Listen tomorrow to Jimmy Duranty and Gary Moore One day to Bob Hawk in Thanks to the Angst And next Thursday to Aberdeen Costello And I'll hear about Aberdeen, Luke Costello, the final word Thanks, Ken Well, Costello, they certainly have been nice to us down here Davis Montanfield And I want to thank Colonel Northstein And Special Service and Public Relations staff Yes, and Abbott, I got some good news for all the guys Yeah The war's going to be over in two weeks Oh, Costello, how do you know the war's going to be over in two weeks? Because my uncle, Artie Steppins joined the Air Force this morning And he never held a job over two weeks in his life Oh, good night, folks Good night For sure to tune in next week for another great Aberdeen Costello show Brought to you by Camel Cigarettes And remember, Camels are worth asking for every time See for yourself how Camel's mildness, coolness and flavor Click with you