 section 19 of confessions volumes 5 and 6 this LibriVox recording is in the public domain recording by Martin Giesen confessions volumes 5 and 6 by Jean Jacques Rousseau anonymously translated section 19 my impatience to arrive at Chambéry had made me use more diligence than I meant to do. I had sent a letter from Valence mentioning the day and hour I should arrive but I had gained half a day on this calculation which time I passed at Chaparion that I might arrive exactly at the time I mentioned. I wished to enjoy to its full extent the pleasure of seeing her and preferred deferring this happiness a little that expectancy might increase the value of it. This precaution had always succeeded hitherto my arrival had caused a little holiday. I expected no less this time and these preparations so dear to me would have been well worth the trouble of contriving them. I arrived then exactly at the hour and while at a considerable distance looked forward with an expectancy of seeing her on the road to meet me the beating of my heart increased as I drew near the house at length I arrived quite out of breath for I had left my shares in the town I see no one in the garden at the door or at the windows I am seized with terror fearful that some accident has happened I enter all is quiet the laborers are eating their luncheon in the kitchen and far from observing any preparation the servant seemed surprised to see me not knowing I was expected I go upstairs at length see her that dear friend so tenderly truly and entirely beloved I instantly ran towards her and threw myself at her feet ah child said she art thou returned then embracing me at the same time have you had a good journey how do you do this reception amused me for some moments I then asked whether she had received my letter she answered yes I should have thought not replied I and the information concluded there a young man was with her at this time I recollect it having seen him in the house before my departure but at present he seemed established there in short he was so I found my place already supplied this young man came from the country of vo his father named Vincent Reed was keeper of the prison or as he expressed himself captain of the castle of she on this son of the captain was a journeyman peruq maker and gained his living in that capacity when he first presented himself to madame de variance who received him kindly she did all comers particularly those from her own country he was a tall fair silly use well enough made with an unmeaning face and a mind of the same description speaking always like the bow in a comedy and mingling the manners and customs of his former situation with a long history of his gallantry and success naming according to his account not above half the Marchionesses who had favoured him and pretending never to have dressed the head of a pretty woman without having likewise decorated her husband's they foolish ignorant and insolent such was the worthy substitute taken in my absence and the companion offered me on my return if souls disengaged from their terrestrial bonds yet view from the bosom of eternal light what passes here below pardon dear and respectable shade that I show no more favour to your failings than my own but equally unveil both I ought and will be just to you as to myself but how much less will you lose by this resolution than I shall how much to your amiable and gentle disposition your inexhaustible goodness of heart your frankness and other amiable virtues compensate for your foibles if a subversion of reason alone can be called such you had errors but not vices your conduct was reprehensible but your heart was ever pure the newcomer had shown himself zealous and exact in all her little commissions which were ever numerous and he diligently overlooked the laborers as noisy and insolent as I was quiet and forbearing he was seen or rather heard at the plow in the hayloft woodhouse stable farm yard at the same instant he neglected the gardening this labor being too peaceful and moderate his chief pleasure was to load or drive the cart to saw or cleave wood he was never seen without a hatchet or pickaxe in his hand running knocking and hallowing with all his might I know not how many men's labor he performed but he certainly made noise enough for ten or a dozen at least all this bustle imposed on poor madam devarance she thought this young man a treasure and willing to attach him to herself employed the means she imagined necessary for that purpose not forgetting what she most depended on the surrender of her person those who have thus far read this work should be able to form some judgment of my heart its sentiments were the most constant and sincere particularly those which had brought me back to Chambéry what a sudden and complete overthrow was this to my whole being but to judge fully of this the reader must place himself for a moment in my situation I saw all the future felicity I had promised myself vanish in a moment all the charming ideas I had indulged so affectionately disappear entirely and I who even from childhood had not been able to consider my existence for a moment as separate from hers for the first time saw myself utterly alone this moment was dreadful and those that succeeded it were ever glue me I was yet young but the pleasing sentiments of enjoyment and hope which in live and youth were extinguished from that hour my existence seemed half annihilated I contemplated in advance the melancholy remains of an incipid life and if at any time an image of happiness glanced through my mind it was not that which appeared natural to me and I felt that even should I obtain it I must still be wretched I was so dull of apprehension and my confidence in her was so great that not withstanding the familiar tone of the newcomer which I looked on as an effect of the easy disposition of madame de vacances which rendered her free with everyone I never should have suspected his real situation had not she herself informed me of it but she hastened to make this a vowel with a freedom calculated to inflame me with resentment could my heart have turned to that point speaking of this connection as quite immaterial with respect to herself she reproached me with negligence in the care of the family and mentioned my frequent absence as though she had been in haste to supply my place ah said I my heart bursting with the most poignant grief what do you dare to inform me of is this the reward of an attachment like mine have you so many times preserved my life for the sole purpose of taking from me all that could render it desirable your infidelity will bring me to the grave but you will regret my loss she answered with a tranquility sufficient to distract me that I talked like a child that people did not die from such slight causes that our friendship need be no less sincere nor we any less intimate for that her tender attachment to me could neither diminish nor end but with herself in a word she gave me to understand that my happiness need not suffer any decrease from the good fortune of this new favorite never did the purity truth and force of my attachment to her appear more evident never did I feel the sincerity and honesty of my soul more forcibly than it's that moment I threw myself at her feet embracing her knees with torrents of tears no madam replied I with the most violent agitation I love you too much to disgrace you thus far and too truly to share you the regret that accompanied the first acquisition of your favours has continued to increase with my affection I cannot preserve them by so violent an augmentation of it you shall ever have my adoration be worthy of it to me that is more necessary than all you can bestow it is to you oh my dearest friend that I resign my rights it is to the union of our hearts that I sacrifice my pleasure rather would I perish a thousand times than thus degrade her I love I preserved this resolution with a constancy worthy I may say of the sentiment that gave it birth from this moment I saw this beloved woman but with the eyes of a real son it should be remarked here that this resolve did not meet her private approbation as I too well perceived yet she never employed the least art to make me renounce it either by insinuating proposals caresses or any of those means which women so well know how to employ without exposing themselves to violent censure and which seldom fail to succeed reduced to seek a fate independent of hers and not able to devise one I passed to the other extreme placing my happiness so absolutely in her that I became almost regardless of myself the ardent desire to see her happy at any rate absorbed all my affections it was in vain she endeavoured to separate her felicity from mine I felt I had a part in it spite of every impediment thus those virtues whose seeds in my heart begun to spring up with my misfortunes they had been cultivated by study and only waited the fermentation of adversity to become prolific the first fruit of this disinterested disposition was to put from my heart every sentiment of hatred and envy against him who had supplanted me I even sincerely wished to attach myself to this young man to form and educate him to make him sensible of his happiness and if possible render him worthy of it in a word to do for him what Anne had formerly done for me but the similarity of dispositions was wanting more insinuating and enlightened than an a I possessed neither his coolness fortitude nor commanding strength of character which I must have had in order to succeed neither did the young man possess those qualities which are nay found in me such as gentleness gratitude and above all the knowledge of a want of his instructions and an ardent desire to render them useful all these were wanting the person I wished to improve so in me nothing but an important chattering pedant while on the contrary he admired his own importance in the house measuring the services he thought he rendered by the noise he made and looking on his sores hatchets and pickaxes as infinitely more useful than all my old books and perhaps in this particular he might not be all together blamable but he gave himself a number of airs sufficient to make anyone die with laughter with the peasants he assumed the airs of a country gentleman presently he did as much with me and at length with madame de varance herself his name Vincent read did not appear noble enough he therefore changed it to that of monsieur de courtier and by the latter appellation he was known at Chambéry and in Boreen where he married at length this illustrious personage gave himself such airs of consequence that he was everything in the house and myself nothing when I had the misfortune to displease him he scolded madame de varance and a fear of exposing her to his brutality rendered me subservient to all his whims so that every time he cleaved wood an office which he performed with singular pride it was necessary I should be an idle spectator and admirer of his prowess this lad was not however of a bad disposition he loved madame de varance indeed it was impossible to do otherwise nor had he any aversion even to me and when he happened to be out of his airs would listen to our admonitions and frankly own he was a fool yet not withstanding these acknowledgments his follies continued in the same proportion his knowledge was so contracted and his inclination so mean that it was useless to reason and almost impossible to be pleased with him not content with the most charming woman he amused himself with an old red haired toothless waiting maid whose unwelcome service madame de varance had the patience to endure though it was absolutely disgusting I soon perceived this new inclination and was exasperated at it but I saw something else which affected me yet more and made a deeper impression on me than anything had hitherto done this was a visible coldness in the behavior of madame de varance towards me the privation I had imposed on myself and which she affected to approve is one of those affronts which women scarcely ever forgive take the most sensible the most philosophic female one the least attached to pleasure and slighting her favors if within your reach will be found the most unpardonable crime even though she may care nothing for the man this rule is certainly without exception since a sympathy so natural and ardent was impaired in her by an abstinence founded only on virtue attachment and esteem I no longer found with her that union of hearts which constituted all the happiness of mine she seldom sought me but when we had occasion to complain of this newcomer for when they were agreed I enjoyed but little of her confidence and at length was scarcely ever consulted in her affairs she seemed pleased indeed with my company but had I passed whole days without seeing her she would hardly have missed me end of section 19 recording by Martin Geeson in Hazelmere Surrey section 20 of confessions volumes 5 and 6 this LibriVox recording is in the public domain recording by Martin Geeson confessions volumes 5 and 6 by Jean-Jacques Rousseau anonymously translated section 20 insensibly I found myself desolate and alone in that house where I had formerly been the very soul where if I may so express myself I had enjoyed a double life and by degrees I accustomed myself to disregard everything that passed and even those who dwelt there to avoid continual mortifications I shut myself up with my books or else wept and sighed unnoticed in the woods this life soon became insupportable I felt that the presence of a woman so dear to me while estranged from her heart increased my unhappiness and was persuaded that ceasing to see her I should feel myself less cruelly separated I resolved therefore to quit the house mentioned it to her and she far from opposing my resolution approved it she had an acquaintance at Grenoble called madame de déban whose husband was on terms of friendship with Monsieur Mablis chief provost of Lyon Monsieur debban proposed my educating Monsieur Mablis children I accepted this offer and departed for Lyon without causing and almost without feeling the least regret at a separation the bear idea of which a few months before would have given both of us the most excruciating torments I had almost as much knowledge as was necessary for a tutor and flattered myself that my method would be unexceptionable but the year I passed at Monsieur Mablis was sufficient to undeceive me in that particular the natural gentleness of my disposition seemed calculated for the employment if hastiness had not been mingled with it while things went favorably and I saw the pains which I did not spare succeed I was an angel but a devil when they went contrary if my pupils did not understand me I was hasty and when they showed any symptoms of an untoward disposition I was so provoked that I could have killed them which behavior was not likely to render them either good or wise I had two under my care and they were a very different tempers Saint Marie who was between eight and nine years old had a good person and quicker prehension was giddy lively playful and mischievous but his mischief was ever good humor the younger one named Corniac appeared stupid and fretful was headstrong as a mule and seemed incapable of instruction it may be supposed that between both I did not want employment yet with patience and temper I might have succeeded but wanting both I did nothing worth mentioning and my pupils profited very little I could only make use of three means which are very weak and often pernicious with children namely sentiment reasoning passion I sometimes exerted myself so much with Saint Marie that I could not refrain from tears and wished to excite similar sensations in him as if it was reasonable to suppose a child could be susceptible to such emotions sometimes I exhausted myself in reasoning as if persuaded he could comprehend me and as he frequently formed very subtle arguments concluded he must be reasonable because he bid fair to be so good a logician the little corndillac was still more embarrassing for he neither understood answered nor was concerned at anything he was of an obstinacy beyond belief and was never happier than when he had succeeded in putting me in a rage then indeed he was the philosopher and I the child I was conscious of all my faults studied the tempers of my pupils and became acquainted with them but where was the use of seeing the evil without being able to apply a remedy my penetration was unavailing since it never prevented any mischief and everything I undertook failed because all I did to effect my designs was precisely what I ought not to have done I was not more fortunate in what had only reference to myself and in what concerned my pupils madame debaun in recommending me to her friend madame de mablie had requested her to form my manners and endeavor to give me an air of the world she took some pains on this account wishing to teach me how to do the honors of the house but I was so awkward bashful and stupid that she found it necessary to stop there this however did not prevent me from falling in love with her according to my usual custom I even behaved in such a manner that she could not avoid observing it but I never dust declare my passion and as the lady never seemed in a humor to make advances I soon became weary of my size and ogling being convinced they answered no manner of purpose I had quite lost my inclination for little thievery's while with madame de verrance indeed as everything belonged to me there was nothing to steal besides the elevated notions I had imbibed ought to have rendered me in future above such meanness and generally speaking they certainly did so but this rather proceeded for my having learned to conquer temptations than having succeeded in rooting out the propensity and I should even now greatly dread stealing as in my infancy where I yet subject to the same inclinations I had a poof of this at Monsieur Mablis when those surrounded by a number of little things that I could easily have pilfered and which appeared no temptation I took it into my head to covet some white arbois wine some glasses of which I had drunk at table and thought delicious it happened to be rather thick and as I fancied myself an excellent finer of wine I mentioned my skill and this was accordingly trusted to my care but in attempting to mend I spoiled it though to the site only for it remained equally agreeable to the taste profiting by this opportunity I furnished myself from time to time with a few bottles to drink in my own apartment but unluckily I could never drink without eating the difficulty lay therefore in procuring bread it was impossible to make a reserve of this article to have it brought by the footman was discovering myself and insulting the master of the house I could not bear to purchase it myself how could a fine gentleman with a sword at his side enter a baker's shop to buy a small loaf of bread it was utterly impossible at length I recollected the thoughtless saying of a great princess who on being informed that the country people had no bread and applied then let them eat pastry yet even this resource was attended with a difficulty I sometimes went out alone for this very purpose running over the whole city and passing 30 pastry cook shops without daring to enter any one of them in the first place it was necessary there should be only one person in the shop and that person's physiognomy must be so encouraging as to give me confidence to pass the threshold but when once the dear little cake was procured and I shut up in my chamber with that and a bottle of wine taken cautiously from the bottom of a cupboard how much did I enjoy drinking my wine and reading a few pages of a novel for when I have no company I always wish to read while eating it seems a substitute for society and I dispatch alternately a page and a morsel it is indeed as if my book dined with me I was neither dissolute nor sottish never in my whole life having been intoxicated with liquor my little thefts were not very indiscreet yet they were discovered the bottles betrayed me and though no notice was taken of it I had no longer the management of the seller in all this must you Mabli conducted himself with prudence and politeness being really a very deserving man who under a manner as harsh as his employment concealed a real gentleness of disposition and uncommon goodness of heart he was judicious equitable and what would not be expected from an officer of the marriage shows very humane sensible of his indulgence I became greatly attached to him which made my stay at Leon longer than it would otherwise have been but at length disgusted with an employment which I was not calculated for and a situation of great confinement consequently disagreeable to me after a year's trial during which time I spared no pains to fulfill my engagement I determined to quit my pupils being convinced I should never succeed in educating them properly Monsieur Mabli saw this as clearly as myself though I am inclined to think he would never have dismissed me had I not spared him the trouble which was an excess of condescension in this particular that I certainly cannot justify what rendered my situation yet more insupportable was the comparison I was continually drawing between the life I now led and that which I had quitted the remembrance of my dear Charmet my garden trees fountain and orchard but above all the company of her who was born to give life and soul to every other enjoyment on calling to mind our pleasures and innocent life I was seized with such oppressions and heaviness of heart as deprived me of the power of performing anything as it should be a hundred times was I tempted instantly to set off on foot to my dear Madame de Vrance being persuaded that could I once more see her I should be content to die that moment in fine I could no longer resist the tender emotions which recalled me back to her whatever it might cost me I accused myself of not having been sufficiently patient complacent and kind concluding I might yet live happily with her on the terms of tender friendship and by showing more for her than I had hitherto done I formed the finest projects in the world burned to execute them left all renounced everything departed fled and arriving in all the transports of my early youth found myself once more at her feet alas I should have died there with joy had I found in her reception in her embrace or in her heart one quarter of what I had formerly found there and which I yet found the undiminished warmth of fearful illusions of transitory things how often does to Thou torment us in vain she received me with that excellence of heart which could only die with her but I sought the influence there which could never be recalled and had hardly been half an hour with her before I was once more convinced that my former happiness had vanished forever and that I was in the same melancholy situation which I had been obliged to fly from yet without being able to accuse any person with my unhappiness for courtee really was not to blame appearing to see my return with more pleasure than dissatisfaction but how could I bear to be a secondary person with her to whom I had been everything and who could never cease being such to me how could I live an alien in that house where I had been the child the sight of every object that had been witnessed to my former happiness rendered the comparison yet more distressing I should have suffered less in any other habitation for this incessantly recalled such pleasing remembrances that it was irritating the recollection of my loss consumed with vain regrets given up to the most gloomy melancholy I resumed the custom of remaining alone except at meals shut up with my books I sought to give some useful diversion to my ideas and feeling the imminent danger of want which I had so long dreaded I sought means to prepare for and receive it when madame de verran's should have no other resource I had placed her household on a footing not to become worse but since my departure everything had been altered he who now managed her affairs was a spendthrift and wished to make a great appearance such as keeping a good horse with elegant trappings loved to appear gay in the eyes of the neighbors and was perpetually undertaking something he did not understand her pension was taken up in advance her rent was in arrears debts of every kind continued to accumulate I could plainly foresee that her pension would be seized and perhaps suppressed in short I expected nothing but ruin and misfortune and the moment appeared to approach so rapidly that I already felt all its horrors my closet was my only amusement and after a tedious search for remedies for the sufferings of my mind I determined to seek some against the evil of distressing circumstances which I daily expected would fall upon us and returning to my old Chimera's behold me once more building castles in the air to relieve this dear friend from the cruel extremities into which I saw her ready to fall I did not believe myself wise enough to shine in the Republic of letters or to stand any chance of making a fortune by that means a new idea therefore inspired me with that confidence which the mediocrity of my talents could not impart in ceasing to teach music I had not abandoned the thoughts of it on the contrary I had studied the theory sufficiently to consider myself well informed on the subject when reflecting on the trouble it had cost me to read music and the great difficulty I yet experienced in singing at sight I began to think the fault might as well arise from the manner of noting as from my own dullness being sensible it was an art which most people find difficult to understand by examining the formation of the signs I was convinced they were frequently very ill devised I had before thought of my marking the gamut by figures to prevent the trouble of having lines to draw on noting the plainest air but had been stopped by the difficulty of the octaves and by the distinction of measure and quantity this idea returned again to my mind and on a careful revision of it I found the difficulties by no means insurmountable I pursued it successfully and was at length able to note any music whatever by figures with the greatest exactitude and simplicity from this moment I supposed my fortune made and in the ardour of sharing it with her to whom I owed everything thought only of going to Paris not doubting that on presenting my project to the Academy it would be adopted with rapture I had brought some money from Leon I augmented this stock by the sale of my books and in the course of a fortnight my resolution was both formed and executed in short full of the magnificent ideas it had inspired and which were common to me on every occasion I departed from Savoy with my new system of music as I had formally done from Turin with my Heron fountain such have been the errors and faults of my youth I have related the history of them with a fidelity which my heart approves if my riper years were dignified with some virtues I should have related them with the same frankness it was my intention to have done this but I must forego this pleasing task and stop here time which renders justice to the characters of most men may withdraw the veil and should my memory reach posterity they may one day discover what I had to say they will then understand why I am now silent end of volume six recording by Martin Geeson in Hazelmere Surrey end of confessions volumes five and six by Jean-Jacques Rousseau anonymously translated