 The Abbot and Costello program brought to you by Camel, the cigarette that's first in the service. Camel's safe, fresh, cool, smoking, and slow burning because they're packed to go around the world. Listen to the music of Freddie Rich and his orchestra, the songs of Connie Hayes, tonight's guest and water brother star, Mr. John Garfield, and starring Bud Abbott and Lou Costello. Oh, there you are, Costello lead again. Where have you been this time? Oh, boy, Abbott, I had a great time. I just came from a wedding. After the ceremony, I got in line at Kiss the Bride, then I got in line at Kiss the Bride again. Then I got in line again, again, again, and then the groom caught me. And what happened? I kissed the groom. You know, that groom was a pretty bad guy. He got mad at me because I threw rice at the bride. Well, throwing rice at the bride is customary. Why did he get mad? I forgot to pick the rice out of the chop suey. And he didn't look good in it. Boy, oh boy, Abbott, that wedding sure made me feel romantic. I'm going to find a nice girl, settle down, and I'm going to get married. What? You get married? Oh, very few girls would marry you. Very few would be enough. Do you think I need? What do you want to do? Get a rest at first? Trigonometry? Not trigonometry. A man has several wives. It's polygamy. When he has two wives, that's bigamy. Now, do you know what it means when a man has one wife? Yeah, that's monotony. Now, look, low, not monotony. It's monogamy. Do you know what monogamy is? Sure, I got a table made out of that stuff. Salad monogamy. Now, you mean mahogany. Oh, no, that's the name of the guy who sold me the table. Patrick Mahogany. Oh, no. Listen, it is Mahogany. It's Patrick Mahoney. Do you want to say in Mahoney? No, Abbott, that's the title of the song. Mahoney don't told me when I was in Nepal. Mahoney don't tell me. No, no, no, it's not Mahoney. It's my mammy. Oh, Abbott, there's two Abbott. Yeah, you've been where? My mammy flowered. My mammy flowered. We're going fast. That's Miami. Listen, that's Miami. Oh, Miami. That's what I used to clean my sink with. No, you mean Banami, Banami. Now, you're back to the songs again. What songs? Banami, Life of the Younger. Costello, don't bother me. Go over there in the corner and talk to yourself. Oh, I don't want to have it. I get too many dopey answers. Good evening, boys. What's the big discussion about tonight? Hello, Ken. Well, Costello here has been to a wedding and he's talking about getting married. I try to convince him that no girl would even consider marrying him. Oh, I don't know, but Costello's chances of getting married are very good. Do you think so, Mario? Of course. A lot of women are collecting waste fat. Mr. Stitty, what are you hanging around here for? You should be very busy this week. Busy, why? Ain't this the time of the year when you write yourself out as a maple? Ah, what a lull. And what a skinny guy. Oh, now, that's ridiculous. Niles is very, very attractive to women, Costello. And at least he's got a wife. Ah, my lovely wife. I first met her at a turkey raffle and it took me two years to win her. Well, what did I do? Post-born a raffle? Oh, I heard that remark, Costello. I said it for you to hear. Oh, I'll do you talk about my appearance that way. That's right, Costello. Mrs. Niles is very beautiful. Just look at her. Are you kidding? Mrs. Niles, I look at your left eye and I keep wondering. Wondering what? I keep wondering what your left eye has that makes your right eye keep looking at it. Talk about my eyes. I'm afraid to look at your eyes. What are you afraid of? I'm afraid a kangaroo would jump out of one of those pouches. Oh, ladies and gentlemen, a grand slam. Pouches. It ain't bad enough to gags don't go, but we... Wow! All right, look. Don't let Costello bother you, Mrs. Niles. He's feeling a bit free and feverish. In fact, he's thinking of getting married. Oh, I don't know getting married. Oh, what a picture. Beauty and the blimp. That would have to be pretty hard up to marry you, Costello. Oh, is that so? You better watch your step, Mrs. Niles, and I'll tell everybody how you got Kenneth. What do you mean? You stood outside of Boys Town and kidnapped him during recess. Costello, why must you fight with Mrs. Niles? Now, if you just act halfway decent, she might introduce you to some very lovely little girls. That's right, Costello. I might even introduce you to my sister. Oh, Mrs. Niles, do you think your sister would go out with me? Oh, I'm sure she would. Haven't you heard? It's be kind to animals weak. Somebody better left. I told him off last time. Folks, I'm in 1A. I told him off, dear, you're wonderful. You tug at my heart straight. Oh, no, darling, you tug at my heart straight. Oh, but I insist, you tug at my heart straight. Oh, no, Kenneth, you tug at my heart straight. Ladies and gentlemen, you have just heard from a couple of jerks. Oh, I got it, Pat. Hello. Listen, this is Ken Niles. What program are you listening to? Niles, Niles. Do you know I'd walk in Niles for a camel? Is your radio on? No, we're on the radio. What program are you listening to? We're not. This is the Abbot and Costello program. Camels, camels. I beg your pardon? Listen, if you're looking for a cigarette that won't go flat, no matter how many you smoke, try camel cigarette. And you'll remember them because they have more flavor. The result of expert blending of costlier tobacco. Camels, C-A-M-E-L-S-C for Costello. A for Abbot and T for... There is no T in camel. Oh, no. T is for your taste and throat, your T-zone. Now, listen, sugar, try camels in your T-zone. Your taste will save more flavor, and your throat will give you the last word on camel cigarette smooth extra mildness and also sugar. Don't call me sugar. You're fresh. Ah, yes. Camels stay fresh. Cool smoking and slow burning because they're practical around the world. Well, goodbye now. Many rapes in the orchestra with an old favorite, I'll get by. You should be ashamed of yourself, whistling at girls. You know you can get your face slapped that way. You know that. Sure. Well, remember, I got it. Well, but I get a lot of dates that way, too. Costello talks, and you'll never get a date with a girl by whistling at her. Oh, no. One time I got two girls that way. You got two girls by whistling? Yep. And I had a split lip. How did you get the split lip? Two girls were with a marine. Costello, when you came in here tonight, you were talking about getting married. You can't even get a date with a girl. Oh, I wouldn't say that. I had a date with a girl last night, Abbott. You had a girl? It's that Bessie Boysenberry, you know, the one who works in the corner drugstore? You had a date with Bessie Boysenberry? Sure. But she isn't all there. There's enough there to have a date with. Costello, I see where I'm going to... I'm going to have to take you out. You're going to take me out? Yes. I don't go out with men. You're a nice young girl. Oh, that sounds good. Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. I don't have to. Here comes our pretty little songbird, Connie Haynes. Now look, now go ahead. Here's your chair. Oh, what'll I say to her? Oh, invite her out for a little refreshing drink. Good evening, boys. Hello, Connie. Would you care for a zombie? Mr. Costello, are you proposing? No, I'm inviting you out. You know, like I did last week. Remember? I took you out. We had a Chinese dinner. Yes, and I'll never forget that Chinese dinner. It was the first time I ever ate in a laundry. Costello, how come you took Connie Haynes' dinner in a laundry? Well, I left my shirt there, and I wanted to have dinner on the cuff. Very funny. I'm a riot. I know I'm a riot about a shirt, too. But I can't tell it. Why not? It's too long a tail. Oh, look. All right, now, please stop enjoying yourself. And cut out the nonsense, Costello. Connie, Costello really is a nice boy. Why can't you two get together tonight? Yeah, I'm sorry, Mr. Abbott, but I already have a boyfriend. You know, John Garfield. John Garfield? What has he got that I haven't got? Nothing, but he's willing to spend it. Well... Good night, boys. How do you like that, John Garfield, Abbott? Cutting in on the people on our show. Trying to steal Connie Haynes away from me. I'll tell that guy where to head in. Oh, you're getting very tough all of a sudden. You bet I am. I've been taking those physical culture exercises through the mail from Charles Atlas. You have a? Right. Let me see your muscles. I don't get the muscles till next week. But I'm pretty strong. I'd like to see Garfield walk in that door right now. I'd tell him where to get off. Hello, boys. I'm John Garfield. Costello, did I hear you say you're going to tell me where to get off? Yeah, where do you live? I live right here in Hollywood. Oh, now, Costello, be quiet. What's on your mind, John? I just dropped in to tell my girlfriend, Connie Haynes, that I won't be able to see her tonight. If you hand it Abbott, he won't be able to see Connie tonight. Oh, goodie, goodie. Just a minute, Costello. Don't ever let me catch you hanging around Connie, baby. You're jealous of me, eh, Garfield? Because you know I'll be stiff competition. You couldn't be competition even if you weren't stiff. Now look here, Garfield. I don't like your attitude. And I warn you to withdrew. Because I refuse to withdraw. Then I withdrew my warning. I withdraw my warning. All right, get together, you two. Don't fight, boys. Let's settle this, people. Look, I just want to say one thing to Costello. Be smart, fat boy, and stay away from Connie Haynes. Is that so? What's the matter, Romeo? Are there any other girls in your life? Sure, but there ain't any life in my other girls. Is that the same rider we got? Yeah, sorry. Look, Costello, please. How come that one got by me? Look, Costello, if Connie is John's girlfriend, just stay away from her. After all, there are plenty of other fish in the sea. Who watched the spooner under the mooner with a tuna? Well, if I catch you with Connie, I will give you a belt with a smelt and ruin your health. You wish, Grammy, Garfield. I'm plenty tough. Why, Costello, I'm so tough I don't shave my beard anymore. I burn it all for the blowtorch. Not just a minute, fellows. Look, uh... Step aside, Arben. It's my turn. What do you mean your turn? Sleshing, Garfield. I'm so tough that I shave my beard with saddle soap, and then I dynamite the stumps. Now, look, I can't stand this anymore. I'll be running long at it, and don't forget to tell Connie I can't see it tonight. And as for you, Costello, remember what I said. So long, bud. Goodbye, stupid. Hey, Garfield, did you call me stupid? Yeah, I called you stupid. What about it? What about it? Well, someday you're going to call a guy stupid who ain't, and you're going to get in a lot of trouble. If you saw something, you'd think you're a wave of a whack in a marine. We here, time will tell. Just ask your heart, man, man, if perhaps a moon or a tree will be the one who's got a funny way. A mile across the north channel from Scotland is northern Ireland and the port of Belfast. Long familiar to United States Army and Navy men. To Americans in Belfast, to United States bases and outposts throughout the world, go camel cigarette. By the million, by the ton. For camels are first with men in all the services according to actual sales records. Camel cigarettes in Ireland mean fresh camels around your corner. Yes, camels stay fresh, cool smoking and slow burning because they're packed to go around the world. Both at home and overseas, more people want camels. The fresh cigarette. The cigarette with more flavor. So remember, if your store is sold out, camel cigarettes are worth asking for again. C-A-L-E-L-N. Camel cigarettes. Camel standard of costlier tobaccos is the same for soldier, for civilian, anywhere in the world. When your heart goes bumpity bump, when your knees go knocker and knocker. What kind of an outfit is that? Costello, please, what kind of an outfit is that you've got on? Will you answer me, please? When did you get those striped pants? Oh, how do you like them? These are my new Sears Robux walking pants. Costello, those pants are too tight you can't even sit down in them. Who can't sit down in them? What's this? What was that? I think Sears just split with Robux. Costello, what are you getting all dolled up for? Abbott, we are going over to Colin Conny Haynes. But what about John Garfield? You heard what he said, Abbott. He ain't going to be there. I'm taking over. Now, wait a minute, Costello. If you insist on going over to Conny Haynes' house, you'd better take her a present. Now, how about that statue of Cupid if you wanted the bingo game? Oh, I couldn't give her that thing. A statue of Cupid with a clock in its stomach? What's wrong with that? How would you like to have people look at your stomach and say, my, my, it's half past eight? How? Time? Come on, let's get going. Abbott, what? This looks like Conny's apartment. I'm not going to do it. Oh, just a lazy bum. I'm going to get a job like that. One laugh, worship, and go home. Come on, Costello. Here's Conny Haynes' apartment. Her name's right here on the door. Bring your little girlfriend. Girlfriend? I knew I shouldn't have worn this rose in my hair. Listen, Conny, I came over to spend the evening with you. But, Mr. Costello, I told you that I had a date with John Garfield. If he catches you here, he'll be very mad. But, Conny, John stopped by the studio and said he wouldn't see you tonight. Well, in that case, I guess it's all right for you to come in. Now, boys, what would you like to do this evening? Let's next. Now, I have, shall we? Wait a minute, Costello. You forget that I'm here. I only next with girls. Oh, boy. Oh, there's someone at the door. Who is it? It's me, Conny. John Garfield. I didn't have to work tonight, after all. May I come in? John Garfield, how do you like that double-crossing rat? Sneaking over here when my back is tightened. Conny, we've got to do something. He'll murder Costello. I know what to do. Just a minute. If he ever gets in here, he'll crack my frosting. Now, quick, Mr. Costello. Go in my bedroom, put on one of my dresses, and I'll introduce you to Mr. Abbott's girlfriend. Now, go ahead. Hurry. I'll let John in. I don't like to do this. All right, all right, all right. That's all right. I'm not in. Shut up. Quiet. Sort of stuff now. Quiet. I mean, don't, don't... Will you keep quiet, please? Come on, Costello. Get into these things. Here. Put this on first. I don't like this. That's all right. Put it on. Cheese, you know, put it on. Put it on. Put it on. It's how you're going to look. All right, never mind that. Put it on. Hurry up. What's this thing? That's a girdle. It's a one-way stretch. No good for me. I stretch four ways. Shut up, please, and hurry. Now, slip this dress over your head. Here. Turn your back first. All right, here. Go ahead. Put it on. Turn your head away. Now, here, my head is turned. At least I'm bashful. All right, go ahead. There you are. That's it. All right now. Come on off. Come on off. All right now, you look swell. Do I look like a little girl? Yes, yes, yes. Now, I have to talk like one. Well, yes, you have to. We've got in the living room, and remember, you're supposed to be a girl. Well, hello. Wait a minute. What are you doing here? Oh, I just brought my girlfriend over, John. I'd like you to meet Miss, uh, um... Oh, my name is Lula Castellani. Yeah, Castellani. Yes, this is Castellani. Connie, put on some records, and we'll dance. Get out that romantic song. Hold that tiger. But hold that tiger isn't romantic. It is to another tiger. Oh. John, I'll dance with Mr. Abbott, and you dance with Lulu. Oh, now, wait a minute. Okay. Come into my arms, my proud beauty. Oh, I'm not proud. You're no beauty either. I said you were no beauty either. I hurt you that first time. It told me nothing. Say, how'd you got the same writers like us? I guess so. By the way, Lulu, do you remember? You know, uh, you know, you're kind of cute, Lulu. Here, let me hold you a little closer. Closer. Oh, cut it out. Closer. There. Oh, John. That's close enough. It should be. You're breathing in my back pocket. Pocket? I never heard of a girl having a back pocket. Well, we face to carry our corn. Now, go ahead, John. You dance with Lulu, and I'll go out and see how my cake is coming along. Well, I think I'd better dance with Mr. Abbott. He's the man that run me. Oh, oh, that's all right, Lulu. I'm not jealous. Go ahead and dance with John. Are you kidding, Abbott? Get me out of this, will you? Go ahead. It's all right, Lulu. Let's cut her up. Lulu, dear, what is that noise? That was my gutter. It's a long pull from my girdle to my bobby sock. You know, um, you know I like you, Lulu. You have such a nice figure. Oh, do you really think so, John? Yes, you have such a nice little chummy. Chummy? Yes, a combination chest and tummy. Well, you two seem to be getting along fine. I think I'll go out in the kitchen with Connie. Oh, good. Last delivery, we're alone. That's what I'm afraid of. Well, let me crush you in my arms. Mother told me that would be nice like this. What's the matter with you, Lulu? Give me your mom. Lulu, what's the matter? You have no warmth. What do you think this is? Puppy love? It must be your nose is so cold. Please, Lulu. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm only kidding. Please, Lulu, can't you see the light of love dancing in my eyes as I draw you to me? Don't you feel a spark in a fire? Yes, I do feel a spark in a fire. Is it love? No, your camel cigarette is sticking in my ear. You can't deny me any longer, Lulu. Let me kiss you. No, no, John, not today. Please, Lulu, just one kiss. No, no, John, you keep on saying not today. Because today... I will be back in just a moment. Thanks to the Anks of the Week, tonight we salute Private William J. Crawford of Pueblo, Colorado, one of the infantrymen storming Hill 424 near Alteville, Italy. When the men were held up by three German machine gun nests, Private Crawford went ahead on his own initiative and in the face of deadly crossfire from the three guns. One by one he picked off the German machine gunners with his rifle, finally silencing all three enemy positions and permitting our troops to advance. In your honor, Private William Crawford, the makers of camels are sending to our soldiers overseas 300,000 camel cigarettes. Each of the four camel radio shows honors the Yank of the Week, send 300,000 camel cigarettes overseas. The total of more than a million camels sent free each week. In this country, the traveling camel caravan have thanked audiences of more than three and a half million Yanks with free shows and free camels. Camel broadcasts go out to the United States four times a week. Our short wave to our men overseas and to South America. Listen tomorrow to Gary Moore and Jimmy Durante. Saturday to Bob Hawke in Thanks to the Yanks. Monday to Blondie. And next Thursday to Abbot and Costello with their guest, Miss Claire Trevor. And now here's Abbot and Costello with an important message. Thanks, Ken. Folks, we don't have to tell you the main reason for buying more bonds. In fact, we know that you would give your money if you could bring our boys home sooner. That's right, Abbot. Besides that, folks, war bonds are a great investment. They pay $4 for every $3 you invest. And don't forget, too, that when you buy war bonds, you invest your money with the safest corporation in the world, the United States of America. Yes. Give yourself and give America a prosperous, post-war future and buy war bonds regularly. Just remember this, folks, those of us who can't go over should at least come across. Good night. Good night, folks. Good night, neighbors. I'm sure to do an M next week for another great Abbot and Costello show with our special guest, Miss Claire Trevor. John Carfield will be seen in the Warner Brothers film drama Between Two Worlds. And remember, get camels for more flavor. If you're looking for a cigarette that won't go flat no matter how many you smoke, get camels for more flavor. This is Ken Niles wishing you a very pleasant good night from Hollywood. Mr. Pipe Smoker, do people ask you if you're smoking rubber boots? Don't let them do that, man. Get pipe appeal with Prince Albert. Yes, sir. When that pleasant aged-in-the-wood aroma of Prince Albert starts curling off your pipe, you'll get smiles instead of wise cracks. And, Mr., you'll smile yourself when you discover that Prince Albert no bite treated to give your tongue a holiday and crimp cut to pack and burn and draw just right. Get a big red two-ounce package of Prince Albert tomorrow. Holds around 50 rich tastings while smoking pipe balls. You'll see why more pipes smoke Prince Albert than any other tobacco in the whole world. This is the National Broadcasting Company.