 The other day I was thinking about the term love at first sight, or at least, when I say term, the expression I should say of love at first sight. And certainly there have been many men and women who have experienced that instant connection, that instant attraction, and they had affinity for one another that lasted a lifetime. I'm certain that happens. What oftentimes really happens in those instances is when there is a physical attraction, there are chemicals released from the brain into the body that makes one feel like this person is unique, special, different from all others. And I know many of you have experienced this. I know I've experienced this, but it wasn't really love at first sight. In many cases that was just lust at first sight, lust, meaning there was the desire to physically connect with this person. And so in those cases where we might momentarily think the person is the one, the one, that's not how it happens in real life. Certainly for impetuous people, they might act on that. They might think that they're in that moment. They have their twin flame because something feels good momentarily. And yet when I've interviewed couples, particularly men who are in relationship with women who have been together for quite some time, it seems to be a common denominator as to how this man felt like this person was the one. So I want to lean into that today because last weekend I spent, I had a little mini working vacation, work trip and vacation with my beloved. There's a picture of her right there. And I'll share what makes me feel like she's the one in the moment with four other couples. And so there was five of us, actually, yeah, five of us. And one of the couples had been married since high school. They were high school sweethearts. They'd been together for what I believe is 35, maybe even 40 years. Yeah, I'd say it was about 40. I couldn't remember the exact, oh, 37 years. And then there was another couple who had been married and divorced each of them. And they'd been together married for 12 years. And then there was myself, who's been with my beloved for less than a year. Another couple had been together for a year. And another couple had been together for six years. Okay, why is this important? Well, these are all men that shared with me personally. What they felt like was the singular reason that made them know that this person was someone special in their life, someone they could see going the distance. And ladies, I know many of you are frustrated in the dating, mating, or relating realm. You're possibly in relationships with men where it just, there's some uncertainty going on. There's some ambivalence. There's just some confusion. In fact, when I think of the hierarchy of relationships, and I talked about this recently, the hierarchy of relationships, I think of at the pinnacle at the top are those who are either married or living together, married or living together. That certainly demonstrates a significant commitment with a person when you get married because you're legally bound to the person. And if you're living together, that's another form of being bound to a person. You might be sharing expenses in the relationship that would be different than those who are not married. And right below that, I believe are the couples who spend three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interest, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork building skills, both in their personal and professional life, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy. Those people are actively spending regular time together. And through the regular time, you can either feel safe in the relationship, or you might feel, as I shared before, confusion, however, it's very rare to feel confusion when your man is investing regular time in the relationship. So what about the bottom of the hierarchy? The bottom of the hierarchy are those cyber relationships, people that spend most of their time on their phones and little or almost little or no physical contact with one another. I call those the cyber relationships. And right above cyber relationships are those friends with benefits. Those were most of the time they get together. From the male perspective, it's just a booty call. They want that physical connection with limited emotional attachment to the person. And then right above that are situationships. Those are probably where many of you are sitting or lying today, laying, lying, forget how to properly pronounce that. In other words, you're in that relationship where there's confusion, there's no label associated, there's no calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend, there's no set time seeing each other. And those can be ridiculously painful to be in and right in between the three or four days and nights a week together and the situationships are all the casual relationships. And that's where many of you are feeling frustrated. You're in what's known as a casual relationship. There's no direction with this relationship. And here's the difference. Men who are most likely emotionally unavailable, emotionally constipated, they're going through some significant challenges in their lives. Maybe they're going through a contentious divorce, maybe they've got health issues, maybe they have professional issues. The ground underneath them doesn't feel solid. These men choose casual relationships. I call these men the spenders because they're spending time with you. They're not investing or growing in the relationship and they want the companionship, they want the connection and they want the sex without any commitments. Here's the thing. When emotionally grown up men lean into a, let me refrain from that. When an emotionally open man wants a committed relationship, he's acting differently than those emotionally constipated men. Because they know these men who are very open to a significant relationship, they recognize there's a consequence for their bad behavior. Let me repeat that. There's a consequence for their unconscious behavior. What I mean by unconscious is those men who are in those casual relationships, they don't recognize that there's an emotional consequence to the other person if they don't step up into the relationship. So emotionally open men, mature men, men who have good relationship skills, recognize that their actions have a consequence. What I mean to say is they're not going to make a promise to you they can't keep because they've already determined that you are someone uniquely special in their life and they want to most likely go the distance. So I want to share with you the number one common thread that those men, those men that I talked about in the beginning, we all share this one common thread. I want to share with you a few others. Now, what's most important is we've all felt the physical attraction for our partners. So that is part of the equation, that chemistry, that chemistry piece. But what's additionally important are these three additional factors which I want to share with you. And this correlates to my relationship iceberg. If you're not familiar with my relationship iceberg, I want to share it with everyone here today. The relationship iceberg says above the waterline, we have attraction. That's where chemistry lies. But below the waterline is shared values, blendable lifestyle and emotional maturity. That's where compatibility lies. Men who are emotionally open, men who are emotionally available for a relationship operate with a, whether it's a conscious understanding or a subconscious understanding. They recognize this is important and they don't make promises they can't keep to someone if they want to pursue a relationship with this person. So three key things that I've noticed with these men, and again, I'm going to show you the final most important piece in a moment, is A, can she fit into my life? Can she fit into my life? What I mean to say is it's interesting. Two of the guys are sports guys. They're into sports. They love sports. Actually, no, three of the guys, maybe four. I love sports, but I'm not a fanatic for it. I'm not into it. But what's interesting is they could tell each one of these women loved sports as much as their guys. I mean, they were all excited wearing their jerseys because there was football going on the Sunday that we were together or the last day we were together. They found their common interest with each other. Maybe it was socializing, socially drinking. Maybe it's sports. Maybe it's gambling in this particular case because we were in Las Vegas. But they found that common denominator with each other. Maybe it's playing pickleball together. That's a new sport. People are actively playing with one another. Is the man says, can she fit into my life? When a man can feel like she can fit into his life. And wait, it's really she's doing the same thing because they both match with each other on the activities that they like to do with one another. I think this is critically important. And number two, coming back to what I say before, does she like the things I like? Those sports, drinking, et cetera. It's kind of they weave together. But it's the time to be able to do those things and the desire to do those things together. Interesting enough, my beloved and I work at home on these. I'll be candid with you. I mean, we like to travel, or at least we're learning that we love to travel. He loves to travel and I'm learning that I like to travel. Although she's the seasoned traveler, so I do not have to trust. I have to learn to trust that she makes really good decisions traveling. And that's part of being open to a relationship is that two people might do things differently. And it's important to be recognized that the person who has a strength in an area allow them to lead. So I lead in certain areas of our relationship. She alert leads in certain areas of our relationship predominantly in the travel end. But we'd like to do the same things. As I said before, she and I tend to be more homebodies. The other couples like to go out and do things together. Doing things together, this is a critically important piece. When I asked the men, additionally one of the common threads is they spent significant time with each other in the beginning phases of the relationship. Wasn't like, even mine was a long distance relationship to begin with, but we spent a significant amount of time together in the early stages. So we knew that we could be what I'd like to think is a fit for one another. Now, can I go back and connect the dots five years from now and say that we're still gonna be together? I can't make that promise. I feel really certain, but what's most important is she feels really certain. He's not feeling a sense of doubt that she's really important in my life. She doesn't feel that doubt. Many of you are feeling the doubt because there isn't that common thread with one another. You don't know if you can fit into this guy's life. You don't know if he can fit into your life. You're not doing the regular things together that build the deep roots of trust that allow a couple to flourish for the long run. And one other additional factor to consider is, and this is critically important because I spent the weekend with her friends. Is being able to interact with friends and family? Can she fit into my life? Can I fit into her life? These are really important questions that men evaluate and certainly you should be evaluating to determine, is this person the right one for me? Is this the one? You know, I think being, knowing if someone's the one also begins with knowing that you're the one. In other words, you're standing in your sovereignty, your self-worth, your self-esteem, your self-reliance. It's one of the reasons why I wrote my book, Let the Heck Is Self-Love Any Way, A Journey of Personal Development, Self-Help and Spiritual Work. By the way, there's a link below to get a copy of this. It starts by being the one first. And by the way, we never fully love ourselves. I don't think we ever fully until the last moment of our last breath. Do we ever, and maybe even then it doesn't happen. But I certainly believe our life is a journey to learn about who we are and what we really want so we can find that space of genuinely loving ourselves. So you don't have to fully love yourself to be able to love another. But it's important to actively be in victor consciousness instead of victim consciousness because victim consciousness is an illustration of not truly loving on oneself when you're in that consciousness of being a victim. And so if you find yourself in a relationship that isn't working, then stand up in your power. Don't be with a man just because, at least this is my invitation for you. Don't be with a man that you don't feel genuinely happy to be with. Because if neither one of you are happy, then how are you benefiting each other? If you find yourself in a cyber relationship, a friends with benefits, a situation ship or even a casual relationship. And you might temporarily convince yourself, this is better than nothing. In the long run, there might be deeper hurt because ultimately when a man knows she's the one you are both feeling the following. You're both feeling the following. What I noticed with these couples that they all operated with this one common denominator. And when I asked the guys, they agreed this is the common denominator. And I can say this for myself as well. I can genuinely be myself with this person. I can be myself. I don't have to, as Chris Rock says, I don't have to be the ambassador of my best self. I can simply be myself. I feel safe enough to be myself and be accepted for who I am. And I'll be candid with you. I do occasionally say to her, thank you for putting up with me, honey. Thank you for putting up with me, honey. I do say that on occasion. Because she accepts me, for lack of a better word, warts and all. I can be myself. This is the common thread for all of these men. And honestly, isn't it the common thread for you to know that you're with the one that you can genuinely just be your open self? I sadly witness women who are in relationships with their tiptoeing. They feel like they're walking on eggshells. I know I've been in relationships like that. I know in my last significant relationship, I felt like I was walking on eggshells, I was tiptoeing, partially because I put this person up on a pedestal. That's no place to put a person in a relationship. It's not good for them. It's not good for you. The most important thing to, I think ultimately what's the point of being in a relationship if you can't be your genuine self? And I don't mean that you can vomit every thought and feeling because that would be exhausting. My girlfriend says I'm sometimes exhausting because I do like unpack things, but I'm also grateful she puts up with me at the same time. You know, one of the couples, so coming back to these couples, okay, one of the common, okay, so there was two married couples and three not married and the one had been together for six years. We were talking about, it's awkward to say that she said, they said it's awkward to say we're boyfriend and girlfriend. So they call each other their prime mate, prime mate, the primate. They're primate. I thought that was a cute term for their relationship. It's kind of hard for, by the way, all of us are in midlife in this group that I was talking about. For those of us in midlife, is to find that special relationship feels like a rarity. Certainly feels like a rarity these days to actually fit in with someone's life, that like the same things and genuinely fit with each other's family and friends. Feels like a rarity. And yet when a man who's emotionally healthy, when a man is emotionally open, and you're probably asking me, Jonathan, where are these emotionally healthy, emotionally open men? By the way, ladies, they're everywhere. They're everywhere. When you operate from a predisposition that men are bad, then you'll only see bad men. It's like if I said yellow, Volkswagen bug right now and you got in your car driving, all you'll see are yellow, Volkswagen bugs, Volkswagen bugs. So start putting in your consciousness. It's raining good men. It's raining good men. It's raining good men who are emotionally open and ready for a relationship. It's raining good men. And allow that to be your attracting force. And then do a better job of vetting in the early stages to determine if you're compatible with one another. And if you need help with that, check out the link below to a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach has run for you. All right, I think you get the gist of where I'm going today. The number one key thread for all these guys, number one key thread was they can be there themselves with this person. But most importantly, what they found was when you find that partner, and I invite you to do a better job vetting then, when you find that person that genuinely fits in your life that likes the same things and you can fit in with your family and friends, you have a good start to making that a reality. All right, I think we covered enough today. I hope you found value in this. Please post a comment below. I'd like to hear your thoughts. As always, I'd like you to schedule a discovery call with me. Check out my group called Midlife Love Mastery. Follow me on Instagram, get my book and there's my store there below. All right, I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big, gigantic Jonathan Barrett of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, Pat, a teddy bear pillow and give them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives and check out that beautiful sunrise. Take care, everyone, right now.