 Hi everyone and welcome back to our vlog from the Kamasutra to 2020 where we look at your questions, your concerns, even your worries around all things to do with sex and sexuality. So as always we have with us Dr Anvita Madan Bihal. Anvita is a psychosexual therapist and she brings the psychological and clinical perspective to the advice that the Kamasutra has to give. Welcome Anvita. Thank you Seema and welcome to our blog this week. So Anvita today's question comes from a young man who says that he's been married a year and he's very satisfied with his sex life but there are a couple of new experiences that he would like to try. So one thing is he says I want to be dominated by my wife. He says I love watching pegging videos and videos of girls eating ass of man and I want to experience that. And he says, however that because it's a very new marriage he's only been married a year. He's a little bit afraid of how to approach this particular conversation with his wife because he says maybe she won't understand it and also because a lot of it is around anal sex you know about pegging and so on. Will she think that he is gay? You know so what I would suggest is that maybe let's break down this question because there are lots of layers to it. We've had several questions around anal sex. So why don't we focus on anal sex and pegging today, and then we can come back to dominance next week. It's a great idea because as you said we've had so many questions about this that it'd be a good idea to break it down into two separate question and answer sessions and then that way we can give more attention and more detail around each thing. So today let us deal with anal sex and pegging. And I think the first thing I'd like to do, I'd like you to do Amita, is to address two points. One is that just because it's anal sex, it's not just for the homosexual community. Anal sex is something that can be enjoyed by both heterosexual, homosexuals and everybody alike. And the other I guess you'd want to start with explaining to our public what pegging is just in case there's somebody out there who doesn't know. Well, I think this young man made it easier for us because when we think about anal sex we think that it's between men, it's not involving women and also if it is then it's a woman being penetrated. So what pegging means is that a woman straps a sex toy or an object or a model of a penis and a man gets penetrated. So that is what pegging is. So this idea that it could be only between two men or only a woman gets penetrated is not true. Lots of heterosexual couples enjoy anal sex. It is something that is the sexual act between heterosexual couples. It doesn't need to be between two men or within the gay community. It's very much present between a man and a woman. And as this young man presented, a woman could get penetrated, or even a man can get penetrated in his anus. So that's the first myth to break that we think, oh it doesn't happen, or it happens with very few people. Actually, a lot of people find pleasure with anal sex. I think Anvita, I like that point you made about breaking apart a couple of the myths and misconceptions. As it is, there's so many taboos around sex that people don't talk about it. But anal sex is definitely seen as that one thing that nobody ever discusses and hence the myths and misconceptions and stories around it are far worse. And unfortunately, the only place that we go to for information on that, or most people go to for information on that is from pornography, which as you and I both know is completely divorced from reality. And there is nothing that you see on a pornographic film about anal sex that you could actually practice at home. And what I would extend that to is that I think now a lot of online, you know, all the OTT platforms and everything and all the new shows and all we are watching. Because sex and violence is allowed, one of the things that we see visually again and again is anal sex, you know, that is what they feel like is maybe the edginess of it or going beyond it. So I think beyond pornography, even the OTT platforms are showing it, and I completely agree with you. So one of the things that we need to understand about anal sex, there is a certain amount of preparation required. If there's one thing that you can take away from the video is what I would say is, please read up about it. Don't go with the visuals you see, don't go with just, oh, you know, they can just do it so quickly and it just happens so fast that that's what I can do it. Don't try and replicate what you see. The anal sex is anatomically an area which does not have natural lubrication. You know, we did the lubrication video and we spoke about how vagina, the skin, their pores there which is natural lubrication. The brain sends a message and says it needs to get wet. The penis does not have any receptors like that. The brain is not telling it to create lubrication. What that means is that the skin there is also very thin and it can easily bruise, have cuts, tear very easily, they can be bleeding there and all of those things. So we need to use lubrication. If you want to engage in anal sex, you will have to apply water-based lubrication. Water-based lubrication is the best lubrication to use there. You must use a water-based lubricant if you're going to have anal sex and you might also consider using a condom because there are higher risks of bacterial and STI infections while you engage with anal sex. You know, this point on lubrication, I know that, like you said, we made a video about it recently. And even though we had said to people that, look, please do not take this as an aspersion on your masculinity that you can't make the woman wet enough. It's got nothing to do with you. It is all to do with the anatomy. And yet we had people coming back and saying, oh, but, you know, maybe I'm not a good enough lover. And if I was like, and, you know, again, a lot of people made it about themselves. Some people even made it about astrology. I think that in this case, we would really, really like to stress this point that the anus does not have any lubricant receptors. It does not have natural lubrication of any kind. And lubrication is all important because like I said, if there is friction and dryness, it is going to cause an immense amount of pain, which will then be to tears to bleeding. And worst of all, it just leads to no pleasure at all. I mean, there is no point in having sex if you're going to cause pain or unhappiness. So get yourself a really large tube of lubricant. Let that be your constant companion, no matter what kind of sex you want to have. Yeah. And I think people talk a lot about the anal muscles relaxing or you being relaxed because, you know, it can be quite tight when you're trying to penetrate. And so you have to help it relax. You should be feeling relaxed if it feels forced or you're pushing on to it when it is paining. Actually, the whole experience is just going to not be pleasurable. And if you imagine it, the more you're disliking it, the anal anus muscles are becoming tighter and tighter. And that is causing more pain, more friction. So the whole act is going to be start with smaller objects, maybe a finger, maybe with a sex toy and then move on. So don't rush into it. Take it slow. Even if you have penetrated, don't try and go all thrust in. Maybe it'll start with just going a little bit in and then you can slowly grow into it and, you know, have, you know, just take it slow. Basically, just don't rush into it. And I think when we say take it slow, we don't mean 15 minutes. We don't mean half an hour. We could mean a few days because when you watch this on pornographical films, you have somebody coming in. They see somebody. There's this huge burst of arousal. They bend the person over. Somebody's holding onto the door handle and they just kind of do it. It doesn't work like that in real life. And with us says it's about taking it extremely slow. You have to get that area used to it before you can actually start penetrating. And for some people, it could mean, I don't know, maybe a day. For some people, it could mean a week of getting used to it gradually. Whatever it is, you need to take that time depending on your partner's needs. You need to take it really, really slow if you want the result to be pleasurable. Yeah, and it's, and I think that's a really good point because if your partner is not into it or is not excited by it, she or he won't feel relaxed. They won't, you know, it'll just become a more painful process for them. So communicate maybe beforehand, you know, talk to them, have a conversation, bring them on to the same page. And as a partner, till you don't feel like this is going to be something that's going to give pleasure to you, don't go into it because I think it will be, it will call displeasure for both. Like when we think we're all doing it for the sake of my partner, but if it's hurting you and you're finding no pleasure in it, then it's really not pleasurable for your partner as well. And then, you know, if they're cuts or bleeding and otherwise, then it's problematic. So really, you know, get to a point or read about it that you get more comfortable with the idea. I think one of the things that comes up the most is possibly when people think about it is the idea of hygiene. So this is obviously a part of the body where the feces comes out from. So anatomically, it's already a part of the body that you're not, well, you know, you're not terribly comfortable exploring very much off. The second thing is, as we know, and possibly a lot of people don't realize this, because of course individuals and pornography, they would never show this. But whenever you have anal sex, it will bring out a certain amount of food. Yeah, so I think that's the, you know, that's a really good question. Because when people want to engage in anal sex, one of the things that they really want to know is, will there be food? And they have nowhere to go and ask this question. They don't know how to explore this question. I'm even thinking about this couple and he talks about his wife being uncomfortable. And I'm sure she's thinking, you know, he wants to have anal sex and what if there is feces? What if there is poo? Like, is he going to hate me for it? Like, what's going to happen? So one of the things that we need to realize is that, yes, when we will have anal sex, if there is feces or poo in your rectum, it will come out. There might be traces of it, there might be a lot of it, depending on when you have gone to the bathroom, when you've had a bowel movement, and how much of it is in your lower, you know, rectum, basically. Some people take precautions around it, like they'll make sure that they have gone to the toilet before an hour before they have showered. And some people actually take a NEMA to make sure that that place is empty. But I think there are no guarantees in this. And that's the main thing that we have to understand. So what people tend to say is, get used to the idea that there might be some feces, there might be some poo there. And rather than fussing about it or feeling like, oh, my God, I can't believe I did this, people just take it in the stride. People just think that is not big enough for the pleasure they receive, you know, that the pleasure is more, it's better. They make it part of a sexual act, they might go for a shower together, or they might just ignore it, they might have some other things around just to wipe it off. So they, you know, it's about mentally saying it might happen. Just let's, you know, get on with it, it might happen on the sex toys, it might happen on your fingers. But if you can learn to ignore it and not make so much fuss about it, it becomes easier. Like I said, you can take precautions about going to the toilet otherwise or even thinking about your diet, if you plan to have anal sex. Don't have a lot that is, you know, with fiber or chilies or something, which increases your bowel movement. Maybe try go lighter on your food that day, if that's something that you're planning. You know what came to mind as you were saying this, I was just thinking seriously the amount of preparation and time that you would put into this idea of anal sex. And when you do watch it on porn, or like you said on one of these OTT platforms, you know, you would never know that all this went into it because it'd be like wham bam thank you ma'am, you know, like I'm going in there, I'm going to do this. It's so exciting. It could be really, really wonderful eventually. But my goodness, you really need to understand what you're doing and put a great deal more thought into preparing yourself for it. Yeah, you know, I sometimes have a lot of women come in and say, oh, he wanted to have anal sex and I just went along with it. And it was really painful. And I was bleeding for days afterwards and everything. And I asked the question, did you guys use lubricants? And they say, oh, she's like, no. And I can't. And in that moment, I just get, I can't stop cringing because the thought of how painful it would have been to penetrate without lubricant. And the fact that they would bleed for a week afterwards because you can you imagine with the friction and the dryness, how many tears and how much time it would take to recover from it. So I really would really say it can be very painful. It can cause damage, use a condom. We have spoken about there are high risks of transference of STIs and bacterial infection. So please take caution, you know, that it is easier for the STIs to transfer through these cuts. So please do wear a condom, especially if you're having anal sex with a stranger or not with a committed partner, or if there is a monogamy within your relationship, then please use a condom. And most importantly, say you're having anal sex with a condom and you decide to switch to vaginal sex, then please change the condom because a lot of times we think, oh, we can just go with the same condom. But like they could be feces on it, they could be bacterial infection on it, and you're going from the anus to the vagina and then transferring all those bacterial infections to the vagina. So the best idea basically would be that you change the condom and wear a fresh condom when you go from the anal sex to vaginal sex. I think that these are so many things that people don't actually think of. So the gentleman had said, you know, does the kama sutra say anything about anal sex. Now, there are certain anal sex positions that are talked about in our past. But the kama sutra typically does not talk about anything other than the architecture of the position. So it just says this is where the woman should be, this is where the man should be, or this is where the legs and arms should be, etc. But the Chinese texts actually give quite a lot more information on how to perform anal sex. And I think that it's far more useful because as you were saying, you know, about how you need to sort of make yourself more comfortable, the idea is that if you're comfortable, then things just become easier. If you're uncomfortable, everything that is wrong multiplies, doesn't it? So the Chinese texts actually say two things. One is that if you're lying on the bed or if you're lying on a flat surface, you need to be able to bolster, if you need to put a couple of cushions underneath your body so that your bottom is raised over it. So that you have a, and it just makes sense to even do that, doesn't it? I mean, anybody should do that with a bit of, they, the Chinese had this idea that there should be eight different shapes of cushions in the bedroom. Each for different positions for different degrees of penetration and so on. So this one they recommend a rectangular cushion of a certain amount of height to be pushed underneath the groin so that it raises you up a little bit. Or they talk about the bed being of a certain height so that you would then lean over the bed so that your bottom would be right off the edge of the bed and the person standing behind you could actually stand and penetrate. So they actually do go into quite a lot of explanation on how to make it more pleasurable or how to make it more comfortable in terms of the actual execution of the position. And that's amazing because if you think about it anatomically, there is an angle in the rectum. So if you, you know, that images that we're talking about, it's not possible anatomically for things to happen, like it just isn't possible. So these ideas of how can we reduce that angle? How can we make it more linear? How can we make it more comfortable that we're not, you know, banging into our anatomy in some ways, all becomes so important to research and, you know, consider when we decide to have anal sex. You know, that's a really good point actually about the anatomy because, well, the way that we're built on the inside will have a huge impact on the way that we enter and exit certain parts of the body. But I think, Anvita, with that we have managed to answer quite a lot of the questions that have come to us about anal sex over the past few months. And so ladies and gentlemen, just to recap on this particular video, we want to stress that anal sex is not necessarily just for the homosexual community. It is something that anybody can indulge in and anybody can find pleasure in. So if this is what you wish to do, please don't feel that you're hemmed in by this idea of sin or the wrong paying or guilt or anything like that. Understand what you're doing. Make sure you have a consenting partner. Understand properly by reading up about it. Take it slow and go for it. The most important thing that you need to know about anal sex is the amount of lubrication that you have to use. Do not stint on this. Do not cut short on this one. This is extremely important. It is going to take time to prepare yourself and your partner for anal sex. Take that time. Again, it's one thing that I don't want you to go short on. Don't say, oh yeah, 15 minutes, half an hour. This is enough for play. It isn't. The longer time you take, the better it will be. It is absolutely essential. Hygiene is an absolute must. As Anvita says, clean yourself over there. If you're going to use a condom and you're going to switch from having anal sex to vaginal sex, please make sure that you change that condom when you do that, just to prevent bacterial infection moving around the body. And finally, food. I think the point that you made, Anvita, was a really clever one, that if you are going to go for this, this is something, anal sex is something where you will pool a little bit. There will be some pieces that will come out. So if you actually eat properly to make sure that you decrease the chances of too much pool coming out, all the better for your own experience. You will be happier doing that. And whatever you choose to do, the most important thing to remember is that you have to make sure that you're not hurting yourself or your partner in any way, that it must be fully consensual. And then it will certainly lead to pleasure. And I just want to really repeat that point, because so much of anal sex is about communication. Because we're taking it slow and because we're getting the anal muscles to get used to the idea of something penetrated in kegel exercises and pelvic floor exercises help, but most importantly, communicate. And this is feeling okay, it's hurting now, you step back, you penetrate with a finger thing, you're communicating and saying and slowly and steadily you'll build on it, and it will be pleasurable. But if you don't communicate, then there's only going to be pain and you're both going to hate the experience. So communicate and build on having anal sex rather than trying it once and say, oh it didn't work and then just, you know, not trying it again. So communication and taking it slow and lubrication, of course. Excellent point. Well, as always on the video, do like, comment, subscribe. If there are any more questions, send them in to us at SEMA, no, that's at info.sema.anand at gmail.com. And if you need to get in touch with Anvita for a consultation, please contact her on anvitaamadanbehealth.com. In the meantime, stay safe, stay well, stay happy, and we'll see you here next week. We'll see you next week. Bye.