 Ladies and gentlemen, the Jaws of Schlitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin presents transcribed The Halls of Ivy starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Colton. I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why Schlitz is the largest selling beer in America. No wonder it's the beer that made Milwaukee famous. If you like good beer, you'll find it pays to be curious and learn about Schlitz for yourself. The Halls of Ivy. Let's surround us here today. Welcome to Ivy, Ivy College that is in the town of Ivy USA. It's Saturday afternoon and the Ivy campus has the deserted air of United States destroyer when the crew is away on shore leave. But there are two still on deck, Commodore William Todd Hunter Hall otherwise known as the President of Ivy and his good mate the former Victoria Cromwell of the English Theatre. There's reason for the halls to be aboard but to Dr. Hall the reason is far from good. I don't know why I stand for it. Year after year I lose pounds. My nerves are shattered by the mere anticipation of it. But they love it so, Toddie. It's such an event for them to look forward to. They don't have much fun, you know. My dear Victoria, to use the word fun when speaking of the Ivy Women's Civic Reform League is ridiculous. Self-improvement is rarely fun, particularly when the necessity for it is so evident. Dr. Hall, please remember you are speaking of an organization which I have been invited, even urged, to join. And which for five years to my certain knowledge you have successfully ducked. I wish you luck for the next five. Put five more for me. The one real inducement is that I could at least hear you read a poem to them once a year. Personally I think it's much too good for them. If I could get out of this thing I would gladly give you a personal command performance once a week. Well, you can't. You've got to be there lying once a year just as long as you're president of Ivy, unless you don't need their support or their money for the college. I do. The love of money is the root of all evil. And for Ivy's sake I'll water the roots. But if it weren't for that horde of women, if there were only a man or two around, I would quite enjoy it. I wouldn't mind once a year exchanging the musty air of the campus for the heady aroma of ham. But to this audience... Ah, Todd, they're really very nice. Yeah, but they frighten me. When I think what putty I am in the hands of one woman, well, this gathering could use me to tighten every loose window pane in America. You just got opening night jitters. You think that after appearing before the women's Civic Reform League eight years in a row, I'd be a seasoned performer by now? Yes. Too bad you can't have a line of dancing girls for support. Yes. Yes. The chorus of Terara Bumdier between each verse might really help the box office. What poem are you doing? The Eve of St. Agnes. It's a request number and not my favorite among Mr. Keats' work. Just what selection would you prefer, Doctor? The shooting of Dan McGrew? Face on the bar and floor? Or boots? No, I take my poetry rather seriously, as you know. And while I was a great admirer of Robert's service in my youth... You are now an ex-service man. The poetry has a function even in this atomic age. Great poets catch something of eternal truth in their lines. Those cobwebs of verity which are as strong as steel. Holding in suspension the beauty and perception which distinguish us from the rest of the animal kingdom. I hope you wrote that down, my darling. I can use that again sometime. Yours of July 5th, received and contents noted. Vicki, who's that? What? Out the window. That enormous young fellow slinking back and forth in front of the Delphiniums. Oh, yes. I've seen those shoulders before. Isn't that Philip Kahn's, our best pullback? Well, yes, it is. I believe he's known on the campus as Moose, the Texas Moose. Very aptly named. Though our garden is a tribal small for a game preserved. And what's he doing out there? I wouldn't know, Toddy. Unless it has something to do with that little talk I had with him in the bookshop this morning. A football player in a bookshop? Was it raining? No, he'd gone in to use the phone. And he seemed so frightfully depressed he has a love problem, Toddy. And I gave him some very constructive advice. Oh, I'm sure you were very helpful. What advice did you give this love-torn giant? I advised him to come and see you. Oh. Well, that's what I always advise everybody. I figure I like to see you, so why shouldn't everyone? Thank you. A nice sentiment, although the sequitur is definitely none. I must say I didn't expect him so soon. I know you don't want to be disturbed right now. Well, he seems quite undecided about coming in. Maybe if we're very quiet, he'll go away. I believe he is going away. If he is, he'd better start. Anything as large as that will take several hours to get held down on the horizon. No, he's coming back. Oh, can't you see him for a few minutes? Whatever his problem is, I'm sure it'll keep one more day. Young men of a tendency to magnify these things. He can't be as miserable as he looks. Such trivial things as this shouldn't be permitted to. Oh, well. Philip. Yes, sir? Come in. Yes, sir. Dr. Hall, I suspect you of having nice instincts. In fact, I've been collecting evidence of it for years, and I have you just about convicted. Well, I might as well see him now and get it over with. I'll probably have a very busy schedule at the college tomorrow. Yeah, tomorrow's Sunday. Oh, well, Sunday will be a busy day, too. Getting the hammock out of the basement, stringing it up, lying in it, getting out and stringing it tighter. I'll lead you to a loan for your man-to-man talk. Oh, you make me feel like Judge Hardy. Well, you have the large economy size Mickey Rooney to deal with, Judge. I hope it's interesting. Ah, come in, Philip. Thank you, sir. Right in here. Sit down, won't you? Thank you, sir. You better take the large chair. All right. Gee, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't see that smoking stand. They call me the moosh, you know, and it's not because I'm so graceful. I'm sure it wasn't your fault, Philip. You know, since you came in, the entire room seems to have shrunk. Please visit us often. You'll make me feel quite dainty. Well, uh, how's spring training coming along? Just fine, sir. Just fine. I suppose you, you wonder why I, I suppose you know why I came over to see you. Well, Mrs. Hall did mention something about a problem. You probably think I'm kind of dopey, bothering you about something like this. Oh, not at all. Have you just tell me what your problem is? All right, sir, I will. It's about my girl, Dolores. Dolores Whitaker. I met her the first of this semester in Kim Lab. We shared the same Bunsen burner. We, uh, we didn't talk too much at first, just chemistry stuff like H2O. That's water. Yes, I know. And as a morsel of knowledge to share with one's love, it's a little damp, but it's a definite beginning. Sure. Well, I asked her to go to my fraternity dance, but she had a date with a guy named Joe Shellhammer. You know Shellhammer. He's that tennis player. He saw us flapping around in white flannels. Well, I didn't like to ask her to break a date with him. But on the other hand, if she did go with Shellhammer... Philip, Philip, I don't mean to rush you, but couldn't we get to the heart of the matter? Oh, yes, sir. Well, anyhow, we've been going steady for the last six months. We have our own private code. It's a love code. It's Latin. Well, Latin is the parent of the romance languages. And at the age of 12, I furthered my own amours with a species of code in pig Latin. There's a girl named Wilma Crumb. She's now a police metron. Huh? Oh, yeah. Well, every morning... Every morning, when I pass her in the hall, I say to her, Amo Amasamat. And she says to me, Amama Samata Samat. Oh, yes, yes. First conjugation, president, indicative of the verb ammo, meaning true love. We've been doing that every morning for six months. I say to her, Amo Amasamat. And she answers, Amama Samata Samat. Philip, if you'll pardon my saying. I not only deplore the monotony of your linguistic exchange, but the nature of your problem still escapes me. Oh, well, here it is. Yesterday, when I said to her, Amo Amasamat, she didn't Amama Samata Samat. She didn't what? That's my problem. Why didn't she? Well... Maybe she doesn't love me anymore. I wouldn't jump at conclusions, Philip. She may simply have forgotten. Forgotten? That's just it. People forget only what they want to forget. I learned that in psychology 1A. Oh. Well, I don't believe that's irrefutable evidence that her affections towards you have cooled. She may have had something else on her mind. Girls are not always thinking of boys, you know. Sometimes they think of clothes, particularly if they are about to meet a boy. That indicates an unconscious resentment of the love object. Something else on her mind. I mean, I learned that in psychology 2. Oh, my dear Philip, I'm beginning to think that, like knowledge, a little psychology can be a dangerous thing. The human skull has seven apertures. This permits a sound, sensible, thought to escape in a different way every day of the week. Well, this thing is really getting me down. Overnight, I've gone from 220 pounds down to 218. Well, Cupid has always exacted his pound of flesh. But do, in your case, you're a large target for an arrow, you know. I must be getting neurotic. Maybe I ought to be analyzed. My only suggestion is that you select a psychiatrist with a sturdy couch. Otherwise, it might break down before you do. You're ripping me down, Dr. Hall. I guess I deserve it. No, no, no, forgive me, Philip. I really want to help you. I know this all sounds pretty goofy, but every morning when I meet Dolores in the hall and she says those few words, it's like telling me she loves me all over again. It makes me feel good. It picks me up for the whole day. I go around saying to myself, Moose, you're a lucky stiff. She really loves you. I guess it's kind of hard for anyone else to understand. Philip, I'm going to tell you something. I've never told anyone before. About an hour from now, I'm going to recite a poem for a local group. Something I do every year. It's not an earth-shaking event, but it's important to the organization which sponsors it. Every year when they call on me, I stand up to face that audience with my knees trembling. And then I reach into my coat pocket and I'll find a note. It's a note from my wife. Just a few lines of encouragement. She never fails. Oh, it's a small thing, Philip, but it's very important to me. So you see, I do understand. Yes, sir. I guess she do. Funny, you never think of older people doing things like that. One of the compensations for being older people is a certain increase in understanding and a slight dulling of super-sensitiveness. One is not so slowed down by being cut to the quick. When young people are in love, they tend to be upset by little things. You have to be unduly hurt by every tiny act of inattention. Well, it's like not seeing the forest for the trees. Say, that's a good way to put it. It always has been. But perhaps you'll take the word of an older man who may be just a little bit more experienced about these things. I was about to say wiser, but that's a different thing. Experience and wisdom are bedfellows, but sometimes experience snores too loudly. Well, gee, thanks, Dr. Hall. I'm going to run over and see Dolores right now. Gosh, I knocked it over again. Oh, come in, my dear. Where's Philip? I'm down here, Ms. Hall. I'm afraid I got ashes all over the rug. I'm trying to brush them off. Yes, Vicki, you just missed a very thrilling play. Philip straight armed the smoking stand, reversed his field, eluded the easy chair, then crashed over for a touchdown under the piano. I'm sorry I wasn't here to lead the cheering section. I came in to see what coach you're going to wear today, Toddy. Oh, the dark blue, I think. All right, I'll get it out and give it a good brushing. We can't give the ladies a dusty Brexit. I'll be back in a minute. There you are, Philip. Every year, she finds some excuse to whisk my coat away for a few moments. This is when she puts a note in your pocket? This is it. She love is wonderful. Isn't it, Dr. Hall? It is, Philip. You may quote me on that. Not as the author of the statement, but as an enthusiastic endorsement. Well, good night, Dr. Hall, and thanks a million. Not at all, Philip. Good night. Ha-ha-ha. It was a lover and his lass with a hay and a hoe and a hay, nonny-no. Winfors to sing, hey, ding-a-ding-a-ding. With a hay and a hoe, I don't know how it goes. My suit ready, Victoria? Yes. And while you're changing, I'll get some tea and sandwiches ready. It won't take long. You just listen for the patter of little caraway seeds. Wonderful. Well, I suppose the note is in the right-hand pocket, as you... No. Where's the left one, then? Just so we don't get in a rut. Hmm. Or perhaps the breast pocket. No, only the handkerchief. Or the... It leaves the inside one, then, as the old saying has it. Things are always in the last place you look, after you find them, you don't look anymore. So I... Well, she forgot it. This is a novelty. A professor with an absent-minded wife. I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why Schlitz is the largest-selling beer in America. No wonder it's the beer that made Milwaukee famous. We'll return to the halls of Ivy, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Colvin in just a moment. But first, let's hear how a man went on a fishing trip and had beginner's luck. Well, it wasn't my idea to go trout fishing. It was Harry's. He talked me into a fishing outfit and into a trout stream before I could say Isaac Walton. Once I was hip deep in water, Harry vanished to try his luck downstream. I was left with a fly-casting manual in one hand and a rod in the other. With uncanny precision, I proceeded to lodge my hook in a clump of trees, a cluster of daisies, and finally in the seat of my fishing trousers. And after an hour or two, my dry lure, completely discouraged by such rough treatment, sank beneath the surface where it caught on an object that I couldn't budge. When I investigated, I discovered that I'd hooked the fishnet loaded with cans of Schlitz beer that had been put in the water to cool. You know, Harry showed up just then and I said, How do you like that a whole afternoon of fishing and not a nibble? Oh, on the contrary, said Harry, opening two cans of Schlitz and handing me one. You seem to have made the best catch of all. You know, it's not for nothing that Schlitz is the largest selling beer in America. And I lifted the can of Schlitz and drank. Come to think of it, I believe you're right, I said. When a beer tastes this good, it's no wonder they call Schlitz the beer that made Milwaukee famous. That's around us here today. As we return to the halls, we find Dr. Hall about to leave for his annual poetry reading at the Women's Civic Reform League. But it's a disturbed Dr. Hall because Vicki has apparently forgotten her usual note of encouragement and support. I'm sorry, young Phillips broke into your time with his love problems. Oh, I'm quite used to that by now, Vicki. I've spent so much time policing undergraduate affairs of the heart. I feel like a combination of Beatrice Hoover and J. Edgar Fairfax. I don't suppose you're free to tell me what it was all about. Though I don't know why a boy who wears his heart on his sleeve should object to a passerby listening to it beat. Well, it seems he was quite upset because his young lady friend failed to... No, no, no, it's too inconsequential to talk about. Oh, yeah, I see. The masculine code of honor. Never discuss man-to-man talk. Well, anyhow, it's time for you to be going. Um... What is it? I, uh... I forgot what I was gonna say. It's not like you. You've never seen to forget anything. Oh, oh, oh. Practically never, anyway. Yes, Toddy, hadn't you better get started? Yes, I suppose I should. Well, goodbye, Vicki. Goodbye. What's the matter? Have you forgotten something? No, no, I... I believe I have everything. I... I hope I have, anyway. Goodbye, darling. Goodbye. Yes, Vicki, what is it? I almost... I almost forgot something. Yes, what is it? Do you have a clean handkerchief? Yeah, oh. Yeah, yes, yes. Thank you. Goodbye. Goodbye. Oh, well. Good afternoon, Professor Heasley. And what poetic gem are you dishing up for the girls today, Skipper? Something I hope which will bring a tear to the eye, a throb to the chest, and a tendency to clutter up the exit as they depart. Um... Are you familiar with Emery Dobson's epitaph to an innovating companion? Dobson? Dobson? Epitaph to a... No, Skipper. I'm afraid that one has passed me by. I was just testing your knowledge, Heasley. By... I'm really doing the Eve of St. Agnes by John Keats. By request. It is not the selection I would have chosen, had I been given a free hand, but with a command performance, one doesn't question the sense of the command. How right you are, Skipper. How right you are. Mrs. Heasley, if you know, is a moving spirit in the Lady's Civic Reform League. A crusader, a local Joan of Arc. She hears voices. Yours by preference, Skipper. Very kind of her, I'm sure. Very kind, very kind. You appear rather more preoccupied than your attainments as a public poetry reader who would seem to necessitate Skipper. Everything well in hand? Acknowledgement to the introduction all prepared? Got the notes, the throat locenges? Yes, I have everything, thank you, Heasley. And if there is anything which I am missing, I'm sure it's nothing which should perturb an adult mind, one which refuses to make a tragedy of an incident. I don't follow you, Skipper. That's very tactful of you, Heasley. This is my errand and I must go it alone. Good day to you. Carry on, Skipper. Yeah, what a mournful fellow. Dr. Hall? Yes? I'm Dolores Whittaker. Oh? I'm a friend of Philip. You know, the move. Oh yes, Dolores Whittaker, of course. Philip told me about the talk he had with you. Thank you, Dr. Hall. Thank you so much. I'm glad if I was of any help. Like you said to Philip, we all have to develop a sense of perspective about these things. When two people have a real relationship, it's silly to be heard about little things. Yes, isn't it? Quite silly. It's like, well, Philip says it's like not seeing the forest for the trees. I must say Philip has an ear for a good resounding cliche. Hasn't he, though? Well, thank you again, Dr. Hall. I know Philip will always be grateful for your advice. Jiminy, when I think how a trifling little thing like that might have busted us up forever. Oh, my dear, there's a remarkable thing about advice. It's like bitter medicine. So much easier to give it than to take it. And quite often the advisor should save a big, gripping spoonful of it for himself. We're honored by the presence of the president of our university, who joins with us in paying tribute to the great poets of yesterday and today. Today's selection, the beautiful Eve of St. Agnes by Browning. Pardon me, Keith. I'm sorry. The Eve of St. Agnes by Robert Keith. John. I was thinking of John Keith before. It was chosen by our gracious chairwoman for 1950, Mrs. Grace Hisliff. Mrs. Hisliff? But before I present this treat of the afternoon, I would like to take a few minutes to tell you something. See, they are frightening, aren't they? And, oh, oh, oh, Vicki, I do miss your notes. It's the first time you've ever forgotten anything like that. Doctor, you dropped something. I beg your pardon, madam. When you pulled out your handkerchief to wipe your glasses, you dropped this slip of paper. Oh, thank you. Thank you, madam. Thank you, Vicki. Oh, not Vicki, doctor. Helen. Oh, thank you, Helen. Uh-uh, madam. Dear Toddie, do a good show. Thinking of you every minute. Bless you, Vicki. It is my great honour and pleasure. It is my great honour and pleasure. Never better. I took four bows. Although I may have forced the last one a bit. But milking it, I believe, is called. I doubt that very much. You probably ran off stage to screams of encore. Did you find my note? Yes, my darling. I found it in my breast pocket between my handkerchief and my heart. But Vicki... Yes, Toddie? I'm glad I found it, but it didn't have to be there, you know. You're so close to me at all times that a mere note on mere paper is mere trimming. I loved it. But I love you so much more than need words, written or spoken. And, oh, remind me some time to thank the Texas Moose for helping with my education. By the way, do you remember your Latin? Oh, I can mess around with an irregular verb here and there. So I'm afraid if Julius sees a hospital lunch, we'd have rather rough going. Why? Uh, how about a moa masa mat? No, don't rush me, Julius. Uh, oh, yes. A moa masa mat is a man. Ha, ha, ha. Splendid. Vicki, you just made a dead language sit up and smile. I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why Schlitz is the largest selling beer in America. No wonder it's the beer that made Milwaukee famous. And here again, our Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. Good night, everyone. Good night. Be sure to see Ronald Coleman's latest picture, Champagne for Caesar. We'll be seeing you next week at this time at the Halls of Ivy, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. The other players, Well and Reed, Gloria McMillan, Lois Carpenter and Robert Easton. Tonight's script was written by Jean Stone, Jack Robinson and Don Quinn. Our music was composed and conducted by Henry Russell. The Halls of Ivy was created by Don Quinn, directed by Nat Wolfe, and transcribed by the Joseph Schlitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Ken Carpenter speaks. Next, here the Falcon on NBC.