 who teaches English at Madison High School has been going with Philip Boynton for quite some time now. Six years to be exact. But only once or twice during that period did she have to worry about the eternal triangle. And that's not unusual when your boyfriend is the eternal square. Still, I must admit I did see Green about two weeks ago when Mr. Boynton began dating a young society beauty named Lucy Fairchild. I got angry, we had an argument, and I finally asked Mr. Boynton to choose between us. Did he want a beautiful young society girl with a million dollars or a steadily employed English teacher with a guaranteed pension in 20 years? Godly enough, he chose me. And to make my happiness complete, our beloved principal, Mr. Conklin, invited the two of us to spend this past weekend with him and Mrs. Conklin at their cabin on Crystal Lake. Friday morning, my landlady was in my room with me, helping me pack when she suddenly began to get sentimental. Connie, do you realize this is the first time we've been separated in almost a year? Oh, I am going to miss you, dear. Promise me you'll write every day. But Mrs. Davis, I'm only going to be gone two days, or I'd be home before the first letter reached you. Oh, how nice. Then we could both sit down and read it together. Better still, why don't I write the letter now and let you read it to me while I'm packing? I know just what I'd say in it. I'd tell you what a wonderful time I'm having with Mr. Boynton. I hope it comes true, dear. It's just too bad Osgood will be around to pester you, too. You're not kidding. Ever since Mr. Conklin saved Mr. Stone by pulling him out of that open elevator shaft, he's been playing the hero role to the hilt. But to spend a weekend with Mr. Boynton, I can even bear Mr. Conklin. Connie, I know it's a touchy subject, but, well, has Mr. Boynton really given up that society girl? Oh, absolutely. Mr. Boynton is through with the crepe-sousette's crowd. I think he realizes now that we donut dunkers were made for each other. Still, I wonder... Wonder what, Mrs. Davis? Well, it's probably just my imagination, but this whole thing reminds me of a book I read. You and Mr. Boynton going up to a lonely cabin in the woods. It's before the regular season opens, nobody around. He's torn between you and that society girl. He takes you out in a shaky rowboat. Connie, it's an American tragedy all over again. An American tragedy? Oh, Mrs. Davis, you certainly have an imagination. What an utterly fantastic thought. Oh, of course it is, dear. Of course it is. It's an utterly fantastic idea. Look, Mrs. Davis, for your information, Mr. Boynton has never even read an American tragedy. Now, let's just forget the whole thing. Oh, that's Walter to drive me to school. Come in, Walter. The door is open. Mrs. Davis, please, not a word to Walter about what we've been discussing, or I'll never hear the end of it. Connie, I give you my word, and my lips are sealed. And you know when I give anyone my word, I could be grounding in... Oh, oh, pardon me, dear. Oh, good morning, Walter. And a good morning to the two fairest ladies of my acquaintance. Hey, it looks like you're practically all set for the big weekend, Miss Brooks. Yes, Walter, a mad glorious weekend, away from classrooms, books. And American-born students who refuse to learn the English language. Yeah, but you'll still have old marble head. You'll have Mr. Conklin with you. Harriet says that living with him these days is like living with a combination of John Wayne and fearless Fosdick. Did you see the poem he wrote called Keep Your Head? It covers the entire school bulletin board. 32 stanzas. Did you read it, Miss Brooks? It's all about courage. I read it, Walter, and for the first time I was glad I was a coward. But, Mr. Conklin, or no, Mr. Conklin, I'm looking forward to a wonderful weekend. Oh, I don't blame you. You and Mr. Boynton away together in a lonely cabin in the woods before the regular season opens. Nobody near, no society girl around. Just the two of you out in the lake alone in Mr. Conklin's shaky rowboat. Hey, it's an American tragedy all over again. American tragedy. Oh, I wonder, that's the most fantastic thing I ever heard of. In the last 30 seconds. Actually, it's a perfectly ridiculous idea. Oh, I wasn't for a minute implying that such a thought would ever enter Mr. Boynton's head. Well, I'm glad of that. Now just forget the whole thing. Why has he been reading that book for the past three weeks? He's been reading in American tragedy? Oh, but, Connie, what difference does it make? There's probably no connection between the two. Oh, of course not. No connection between the two, none at all. None whatsoever. Absolutely no connection. Now, the whole thing is absurd, Walter. The whole idea of going up to the cabin was Mr. Conklin's, not Mr. Boynton's idea. And I don't expect to go out on the lake up there anyway. Oh, sure. Sure, there's no comparison between the two situations. I'm sorry if I made you nervous, Miss Brooks. Nervous? Me nervous? Don't be silly, Walter. Connie, I don't want to rush you, but don't you think you should be on your way to school? Right, Mrs. Davis, I'm all ready. Come on, Walter. Let's get into your boat and row to school. Oh, good morning, Harriet. Oh, hi, Miss Brooks. Why so depressed? I just left Daddy's office. If you were just entering, you'd have an even better reason. Oh, honestly, since Daddy rescued Mr. Stone a few weeks ago, there's simply no living with him. Mother says she's heard so many stanzas of his poem, Keep Your Head, she's losing hers. Gosh, I certainly don't envy you being up at Crystal Lake with Daddy over the weekend. Well, with Mr. Boynton along to keep me company, I'm certain I'll manage. Oh, of course. It should be great for the two of you. A way together in our lonely cabin in the woods before the regular season opens. Nobody around for miles, that society girl forgotten. Just the two of you out on the lake alone in Daddy's wobbly rowboat. Harriet, I won't have you implying this is another American tragedy. But Miss Brooks, I wasn't implying. You weren't? Of course not. There's certainly no reason to be suspicious of a man just because he suggested to Daddy that he open his cabin and invite you along. Mr. Boynton asked your father to open his cabin and invite me along? It was Mr. Boynton's idea? Well, yes, but that's certainly nothing to be upset about. Upset? Who's upset? Why should I be upset? Besides, Mr. Boynton has never said anything about going out in any place. Besides, Mr. Boynton has never said anything about going out in any boat. He's never mentioned that. Never once. So why should I be upset? Good morning, Miss Brooks. What did I do to deserve such a charming gritty? Now step into my office, please. I want to have a word with you. Yes, sir. I'll see you later, Harriet. Bye, Miss Brooks. You needn't sit down since this won't take a minute, Miss Brooks. I presume you've seen my poem on the bulletin board. I posted it yesterday just before lunch. You couldn't miss it going to the cafeteria. Did you read it? Yes, sir, and it saved me lunch money. I read it, sir. The first two stands, as I consider the most important. Keep your head by Osgood Conquered. When others about you show panic and fear, just keep your head and never lose cheer. It makes room for the heart that is brave, so just keep your head, ride the crest of the wave. Miss Brooks, tell me truthfully, have you ever heard anything so inspirational? Not since Casey at the bat. Now, on my desk this morning was this piece of paper, and on it is a dastardly satire, a labyrinth buffoon made of those precious verses. Go on and read it, Miss Brooks. When others about you show panic and fear, just keep your head like a good glass of beer. The world makes room for the heart that is brave, so just keep your head, you'll have something to shave. You've done this to me, Miss Brooks. Who could have played this ghastly trick on Osgood Conquered? Miss Brooks, are you listening to me? Did you hear what I said? Oh, pardon me, Mr. Conquered. I really don't know who could have written it. Will you excuse me now, sir? I'm not myself today. I feel a little nervous. Oh, well, then this weekend with us up at the lake will do you good. You'll have plenty of opportunity to be alone with Mr. Boynton. You've always wanted that, haven't you? Yes, but not quite this way. That is, it should be nice, sir. It certainly should be for both of you. But something he asked me yesterday has me a little puzzled. Something he asked you? Yes, yes, he asked me, did I have a good, strong robo? A good, strong robo. He asked you that? Well, when did he ask you that? Right after he asked me how deep the middle of the lake was. How deep the middle of the lake was? Oh, yes. Looks like Mr. Boynton plans to drown you. What's the matter, Miss Brooks? Where's your sense of humor? I was only joking. I'm certain such a delightful, hideous thought never entered Boynton's head. Oh, no, I'm certain it didn't, sir. Absolutely certain. Now, if you'll please excuse me. Miss Brooks, where are you going? Down to the pool to learn to swim. Oh, Miss Brooks. Oh, nothing at all. Nothing at all, Mr. Boynton. Well, nice bumping into you on dry land, that is. I'll see you next week sometime. Bye. Next week? Miss Brooks, what are you talking about? You haven't forgotten our trip this weekend, have you? Oh, no. I remember the weekend under Crystal Lake. On Crystal Lake. But, frankly, I've been thinking of staying home this weekend. But, Miss Brooks, you promised to go. I thought we'd patched up our little difference, and I really have been looking forward to it. You really have been looking forward to it? Yes, and I've made some plans. A little on the romantic side, if you know what I mean. It doesn't matter. With me, both sides are romantic. Oh, gosh, how could I have been so silly? What are your plans, Mr. Boynton? Well, tonight after dinner, just as the full moon comes out in a perfect blue sky, we'll go out in Mr. Contland's rowboat. I'll need just one big, powerful oar. And I'll show you how to sit so you don't rock the boat. And even if you do fall into the lake, I can swim. Miss Brooks, why are you looking at me that way? What is it? Oh, I think I know what's bothering you. You're mystified as to my actual reason for this trip. Now, isn't that it? No, I've read Chapter 23. My actual reason for going up to the lake is to gather first-hand information on the nocturnal habits of the speckled-throated frog. I'm doing some highly confidential research work for a biological paper I'm writing. I wasn't even going to tell you until we got up there. And that's the only other reason you wanted to go out with me in a rowboat tonight? What did you think I wanted to go out with you for? To repeat an American tragedy? It was a perfectly crazy idea. How could a thought like that even enter my mind? Of course. Well, I've got a class now, Miss Brooks. I'll pick you up at your house at four o'clock sharp. I'll just honk my horn and you come out. I should be all packed by then, but if I'm not right out, tread water for, uh, wait for a few minutes, will you? Ah, it's good. Ever since we arrived at the cabin three hours ago, you've been behaving ridiculously. Now, come out of that rowboat this instant. Shhh, quiet passion flower. Now, believe me, Boyden has gone completely berserk. Everything he's done so far clearly indicates he plans to marinate Miss Brooks tonight. Ah, that's good. Please stop hiding under that tarpaulin. They're bound to see you sooner or later. Believe me, poopsie girl. Your Asgut knows what he's doing. I've collected facts from Walter Denton Harriet and Miss Brooks herself, and there's no question about it. Boyden plans to end his romantic obligations to Miss Brooks by bashing her over the skull and using her as bass bait. I'm going to save her. Save, save, save. Asgut, since you pulled Mr. Stone out of that elevator shaft and became a hero, you've been simply impossible. Now please get out of that fold before they come down here. Worry not for your Asgut's safety, my pet. He knows how heroes are expected to act in emergencies and he shall not be found wanting. The world makes room for the heart that is brave, so just keep your head. And you'll have something to shave. Oh, that satire. For 20 years, I've clasped a Delilah to my bosom. They're coming now. Please get out of that boat. Oh, very well. Be a hero. And when Mr. Boyden finds you hiding under that top hole I hope he hangs something besides a medal under your eye. You know, being a good driver is more than just turning on the ignition and stepping on the gas. You have to know where you're going. Look where you're going. And getting there depends on the brakes. Have you checked your brakes lately? Out in Mr. Conklin's mind, Mr. Boyden was going to end his romantic idol with Miss Brooks by using her to fatten up the fishes. So to prevent another American tragedy, when the two took his robot out on Crystal Lake, he hid himself under the tarpaulin. Oh, gosh, isn't it nice and peaceful out here on the lake, Mr. Boyden? Oh, it sure is, Miss Brooks. I wonder if you'd mind. That is, well, can I hold your hand? I doubt it. We're about eight feet apart. You could sit closer. Why don't you sit on that tarpaulin? Oh, no thanks. I tried it before, and I felt like I was sitting on a mass of whale blubber. What was that? Oh, probably the mating call of the speckled-throated bullfrog. Would you like me to tell you about the love life of the frog, Miss Brooks? Right now, I'm trying to develop one of my own. I mean, some other time, Mr. Boyden. Well, maybe I could move a little closer to you. No, stay where you are. I'll come to you. Very well. Only be careful. This boat's awfully shaky. Now here, I'll hold the oar up high and give you... Oh, it, Boyden! I'm graduating in this boat. Mr. Conklin, then it was you under the tarpaulin. See? I told you it felt like a mass of whale blubber. What am I doing in this boat? What am I doing? Miss Brooks, wherever a human life is in peril, there you will find us, Good Conklin. Confess, Boyden, what are you doing out here on the lake with Miss Brooks and that oar? We're rowing around studying the nocturnal habits of the speckled bullfrog. Good boy, I knew if I put it to you that way you'd confess you were going to bash your head in, drown her, then swim to shore and plead that you're rowing around studying the habits of the speckled bullfrog. It was for you, but let's face it. Mr. Boyden was not trying to drown me. Not trying to drown you? But he can't do this to me! I mean, I worked so hard to be a... Well, just to play it safe, Boyden, I'll take that oar. But, sir, this is preposterous. Nothing will happen in this boat as long as us Good Conklin is here. That's just the trouble. Very well, if you won't give it to me, I'll have to arrest it from you. Release that oar! Oh, good gosh, there goes our only oar! We'll never find it in the dark. Our only oar? Yes, and heaven knows where we are on this lake. We've been drifting for an hour. We're probably miles from land by now. How are we going to get back without an oar? Sir, frankly, I'm worried too. There's no one else on this lake. Who knows how long we'll be out here. And why are we all so nervous? True, this is a period of crisis, but luckily you have us Good Conklin aboard. I shall be your captain. We're dead. What Mr. Boyden said is right, sir. It might be days before we're rescued. There's nothing to eat in the boat. With the little ingenuity, Boyden, we'll find something to eat. Don't look at me, sir. I'm indigestible. But first, I'll run this ship the way it should be run. Mr. Boyden, you will sit for and keep a sharp look out for smoke on the horizon. Miss Rooks, you may sit aft and troll for small fish with a bobby pin tied on a shoelace. You can steer the boat manually using that good old North Star as my guide. But, sir, that's the moon you're pointing at. And I thought it seemed a rather odd shape for a star. Let's try to get organized, shall we? Clearly thinking is the ticket. Lacking an oar, we shall need to improvise a sail immediately. I'll need some large white garment. Miss Rooks? You won't get a stitch for me. Well then, Boyden, I suggest we use your shirt as a sail. Second the motion. And let's throw in his undershirt, too, sir. His shirt ought to do nicely. Well, sir, can't we wait until morning for all this? You'll obey orders, Boyden, while I am captain of this ship. We can dispense with your liberty, Miss Rooks. And now, before anything else, as a source of hope and inspiration, let us all bow our heads and prayfully in tone the first verse of my poem, Keep Your Head. Goodbye, Ours Good Conklin. He tried to swim to shore for help, sir. But, Miss Rooks, you can't swim. Well, there's no time like the present to learn. Say, am I imagining things, or is this boat sinking? Sinking? Holy cow, you're right. But there's a leak. A leak? Where? Where? Where? Where? Good grief! Water's coming in! There is a leak! The boat's sinking! I can't swim! I think this boat can last five minutes the way the water's coming in. Maybe much less. Well, keep your head, Boyden! Don't get panicky! Don't get panicky, boy! You'll need all your... And you know the tradition of the sea. The captain goes down with his ship. Steady, sir. Let's not lose our heads. Just think of your poem, sir. When others about you show panic and fear... Oh, stop! You get out here. Are you treading water? The lake is only three feet deep here. Why put on your hip boots and wait it out? It's...it's only three feet deep here. Now will you let the women and children go first? Mrs. Conklin, just where are we now? Oh, the cabin is just around the bend, Mr. Boyden. Now, Osgood, will you kindly explain just why my big hero suddenly went to pieces? Went to pieces? I? Why, Martha, what a fantastic idea. Oh, I will admit I was a little upset, but it was more for the safety of Mr. Boyden and Miss Brooks and myself. My first concern was for their safety. Isn't that so, Miss Brooks? Well, what do you say, Miss Brooks? The next time you run Mr. Conklin's bath, be sure you throw in a life preserver. Good luck, Bluskin. Mr. Conklin was played by Gail Gordon. United States Armed Forces Radio and Television Service. This is the American Forces Network, Europe.