 Hey Abbott what time is it it's time for the Abbott and Costello show. We're on the air for ABC here in Hollywood Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Abbott and Costello show Yes, the Abbott and Costello show produced and transcribed in Hollywood for your listening and laughing pleasure with chuckles with the car laws Music by Maddie Malvin. So hold on your chairs, folks. Here they are. What Abbott and Lou Costello Alright, what's all the excitement about? What what what happened Lou? Well, Uncle Mike discovered Golan's ranch Well, good for Uncle Mike. Yeah, he sent him to York for some Englishman with shovels He's sending for Englishman with shovels, what for? He figures England will want to borrow the gold sooner or later and they might just as well come over here and help dig it up Space and Costello your uncle Mike is a moron. Oh No, he's not. No, he's gonna be a great sight to some day right now. He's working on a new Insecticide he is yes last week. He got out his notebooks and locked himself in his laboratory with 10,000 mosquitoes He released the mosquitoes and was going to write down the mosquitoes behavior. Then what did he write nothing? He was so busy scratching even that time to write Just as I thought he's as big and men can poop as you. No, he's not right now He's crossing a rubber plant with a banana. What does he expect to get a girdle? You can slide into You know your whole family are jerks By the way, what was that silly looking thing on the out of your car this afternoon? Well, you see I can't afford a radiator cap, so I trained my little dog to sit on the radiator Your dog sits on the radiator. Mm-hmm. Does he bark much only when it boils over? I Got a job as a babysitter you a babysitter. Yep, babysitters are girls. Well, what's wrong with the man? My uncle Jim Kelly was a sitter He isn't around anymore though. He isn't what happened while he was sitting the warden pulled the switch Much more about terrific at it and cost fellow humor in a few seconds What are you so excited about calm down? What's the matter? I'm worried about it. What do you mean? I think my aunt may is in terrible shape. Well, what's the matter with her? She's got hallucinations She thinks she's a taxicab She thinks she's a taxicab. Yeah, why doesn't uncle Mike call a doctor? Why should he? She gets him to work faster than the sunset bus How long is that uncle Mike and that may been married Lou? Well, it's just 20 years since he went on a honeymoon Aunt May went to Niagara Falls and Uncle Mike went to Miami Wait a minute. You mean they weren't together on their honeymoon? No, Uncle Mike said that a honeymoon is the happiest time of your life and why let marriage spoil it Well, it's one of those things that your your aunt may and your uncle Mike have been married for 20 years Yeah, yeah, but really have it. What's wonderful about it? Uncle Mike thought she loved him But for the whole 20 years she hated him hated them like poison and now they have 17 children wait a minute She hated them. Why did they have 17 children? Well, it was her idea. She was just trying to lose them in a crowd That may mean to him Lou She'd beat them up all the time he wouldn't mind if it wasn't for the children the children. Yeah, they beat them, too He must be really happy. Yes. He is she tried to keep in the house every night Saturday when he started to take his bath She put six boxes of jello in the tub so he'd get stuck luckily. It was raspberry and he ate his way out I don't have a very happy home life. Do they know no No Saturday night, Uncle Mike played pinocchio all afternoon and when he came home at six o'clock There was no dinner on the table. Well, where was your Aunt May down at the bowling alley? She's down there seven days a week. Well, that's a shame. Yes, Uncle Mike should have never got her that job sitting pins Wasn't your uncle Mike married once before Yeah, but his first wife passed away. Now, that's too bad Uncle Mike had such a tough time collecting the insurance that sometimes he almost wishes. He hasn't died What was your uncle Mike do before he got married? Well, he was quite a Romeo ever for two years He carried a torch for a girl in Pennsylvania. He carried a torch for a girl in Pennsylvania She was a coral miner and it gets pretty dark for those funnels Didn't he ever work for a living? Sure. He had a job in a can soup factory. He was in the chicken soup division He was a dragger. Now wait a minute. What are the duties of a dragger in a can soup factory? Very simple. When a 1,000 gallon tank of hot water was ready, he'd drag a chicken through it My addicts know one of your Aunt May fights with Uncle Mike Yeah, you should have seen Aunt May Sunday night at it She was so mad at Mike that she said she was gonna pack her suitcases and leave him forever Now he's really worried. He is. Yep. She ain't even started to pack her suitcases yet I thought a couple of the, uh, Mike isn't a bad looking guy, but I can't see what he ever saw in your Aunt May She was very popular in Paterson when she was young girl. She was? Yes, the Paterson Electric and Power Company voted her Miss alternating current of 1915 Castella, that's about the year you were born back in Paterson, isn't it? Yes I'm Paterson's favorite son. What do you mean? Just last week the people of Paterson directed a statue in the very spot Where I was born. The spot where you were born? Where was that? Right in the middle of the Greyhound bus depot You were born right in the middle of the Greyhound bus depot? It was raining and my mother couldn't get a taxi I tell you, you talk like an ancient poop. Tell me, does your whole family suffer from stupidity? Indeed not. They enjoy every minute of it Hey there, Castello. I want to talk to you Mister, do I owe you any money? No Did I have to give you a tip on any of my hushes? No Have you got a redhead assistant in Chicago? No Okay, go ahead and talk to me If you give away prizes on this program, can I win a refrigerator or something? Nope Well, goodbye. I've got to go hurry over to the gangbusters radio show. Last week I got $164 on that program Wait a minute gangbusters, don't give away anything Oh, I forgot to tell you, I'm a pickpocket too Now I know where I saw that guy at, but it was the 30th anniversary party, yours Remember you had a swimming pool filled up with bourbon? Yeah, the whole swimming pool was filled with bourbon. What fun Yes, I never saw so many people going down for the third time with smiles on their faces Well, never mind that. The whole town was talking about my anniversary party Didn't my wife, didn't my wife better look beautiful? I'm very proud of my wife. Every man in town was fighting over, but I got her Abbott, you didn't fight hard enough My wife is a beautiful woman. She hasn't got a wrinkle in her face She hasn't, huh? Then what are those things? Dents Costell, you don't know nothing about women I don't even know why I even discussed the subject of women with you Well, it's not my fault either. I led a very sheltered life Then I met a lovely little redhead and I learned about women from her You did? I love to figure out our first date. We sat in the riverbank in the moonlight She moved closer to me, then I moved closer to her Then the moon went behind the cloud, then it happened Wow, she let me tighten a string on her ukulele Did she kiss you, Lou? Yes Did you like it? Oh boy How did it make you feel? How did it make me feel? Did you ever stand in a hot, buttered waffle and have somebody pour maple syrup down your spine? How did you get along with it, Lou? Oh good. The second time we had a date, I took her sightseeing on a bus Rubberneck? No, but I tickled her a little Hello, boys Hey, look, I tell you what's our secretary, Viola Vaughn Well, Viola Vaughn That's my line, Lou Take it Well, Viola Vaughn I understand you bought a new car. How do you like driving in California? Well, it would be at your place It would be all right if it weren't for the pedestrian What's wrong with a California pedestrian? Well, I was driving down here tonight and one of them wins right past my windshield The dirty car was pole-balding across the street Sweetie devils, ain't they? Viola, why don't you take me for a ride down a beach tonight? I should say not Ah, Castello, Viola's only kidding. She really likes you But you've got to do something to show that you like her That's right, Castello. Do something brave Do something brave? I know what I'll do. I'll join the army and help fight the British But we're not fighting the British That's all the better. That way nobody can get hurt Castello, you know, you've been acting kind of clear lately Wait a minute. Come to think of it, you're right, Viola Yesterday afternoon I saw him sitting up in a tree in Griffith Park Castello, what were you doing up in that tree? Signing autographs Signing autographs? Yes, the Robbins thought I was Woody Woodpecker Castello, here's another thing Why do you always carry an umbrella on your arm? Why don't you get a girl on your arm? You know, a girl is much nicer than an umbrella Oh, I don't know, kiddo When you're through with a girl, can you fold her up and hang her in a closet? Why, you simple-minded, no good low-downer No, no, no, just a minute, Mr. Abbott Have you ever stopped to consider that Castello's reasoning capacity and his functional capabilities for logical delineation are coordinated, comprehensive, and negligible? Is it compulsory to you to abuse this poor, moronic, social incompetent simply because the poor slob doesn't possess the mental capacity of an imbecile? But Viola Just a minute, Abbott You've had this coming to you for a long time I can't help it if Castello is stupid I want to say something, Abbott, I'm always studying, always reading I just finished a book called When Frankenstein Leaks the Wolfman in Dracula's Garden Where a Spider Woman Killed a Cat Girl What's the story about? Two bums living in the La Brea Tarpets Well, I gotta go now, boys I'm taking my painting lessons Do you paint? Oh, yes, I draw birds with charcoal I paint flowers in watercolor What do you do with oil? Fry potatoes You know, Abbott, there's a girl going places? She is Yes, sir If she hurries, she can be the first one in line to collect her unemployment insurance Oh, get her out Now while we get to 50-second intermission We'd like you to consider this Gentlemen, that singing star of the Abbott and Castello show Howl Winters I'd like to sing a song that belongs to the month of January as much as White Christmas belongs to December With Maddie Malick's Orchestra Here is the Ralph Ranger Leo Robin Perennial June and January With juice like blossom But falls from above My dear, your magical charms are there I can see I just made a print discovery I think I could safely announce that Governor Dewey will run for president in 1952 Oh, what makes you think that? You just started taking piano lessons You're not going to sell ever since you started playing the part of Sam's shovel, Private Detective You've got your nose in everybody's business You've been as busy as an ant Ants are busy Certainly Then why are they always going to picnics? Will you talk, Sam? What is that letter you have in your hand? Well, Abbott, it's another fan letter Listen to this Dear Luke Castello, a Sam's shoveling detective You are the greatest thing on radio I love your show But my wife won't listen to it She says she needs you like she needs a hole in the head I'm sending her to see you tonight Mr. Castello, it's a lady to see you What does she look like? She's not a short, fat woman with a hole in her head Oh, never mind What is your Sam's shovel detective story for the night, Luke? I think I'll do one of my old Western cases I call it the Kensha the General Who opened up a drive-in and was caught selling horse meat Or Custer's last hamburger stand Well, not yet talking, let's do it Sam's shovel Private Detective I remember my first case Three-eyed Maxi the murderer He had three eyes He was the only man in the world with 20-20-20 vision And there was my second case Terrible Tony, the toughest gangster in Los Angeles He was a bronze giant with muscles of steel and an iron fist I had to shoot him May he rust in peace Fifteen years in the detective business Takes a lot out of you But I feel as strong and vigorous as the day I started Right now I could tear Superman in half But I don't want to ruin the rest of the paper I feel kind of thirsty I go to the sink This Los Angeles water is getting hotter every day It's out of my window There's the headquarters of the Republican Club On the window there's a sign GOP I just found out what GOP means Gone out permanently I look down at my desk There's my new wristwatch My new wristwatch It's a shock-proof, non-magnetic waterproof watch The directions say don't take this watch out of the box Fresh air ruins it I think I'll give it to my secretary What a secretary She got the job the hard way She knew how to type Flying next to my watch is my shotgun I decide to see if it's loaded I point it at the floor and pull the trigger I look down at the floor Mmm-hmm When did I buy open-toed shoes? I reach in my coat pocket Here's a wallet I found last night I hope I can find the owner I check to see what's in the wallet Here's a card of a found return to Mr. Nichols Del Mar Hotel Here's a driver's license to Mr. Nichols Del Mar Hotel Here's a birth certificate with the name Nichols Here's the pink slip for a new Hudson's sedan issued to Mr. Nichols Del Mar Hotel Well, here's $600 in cash Looks like I'll have to keep the money Serve that guy right He should carry some identification The name on the money is Washington Oh, let me see Oh, yes It's about time for my pal, Lieutenant Abbott of the Homicide Squad, to show up Abbott had a pretty tough week chasing crooks Monday night he was held up on Main Street Tuesday night he was held up on Broadway Wednesday night he was held up on Sunset Boulevard If Abbott were to stay out of those slunes he'd have to stay out of those slunes He'd have to stay out of those slunes He'd have to stay out of those slunes He wouldn't need anybody to hold him up Lieutenant Abbott don't have to work He was born with a silver spoon in his mouth This was okay until he found out that all the other kids had tongues It's not easy to be born with a silver spoon in your mouth Up to the time Abbott was 19, all he could say was Roger's Brothers, 1847 Before he became a detective, Abbott was a motorcycle cop He was the only cop on a force that had traffic eyes Real traffic eyes They'd always look both ways before crossing each other No matter what case Lieutenant Abbott goes out on he's never stuck Hello, Sam Shelville, Private Detective speaking Hello, Sam At nine o'clock tomorrow morning Not till nine o'clock tomorrow morning That's right, Lieutenant Abbott You can't get in those boats till nine o'clock tomorrow morning Suddenly my door opened Sam, Sam, Sam Shelville It was my pal, Lieutenant Abbott He was scared to death, he was perspiring He was sweating bullets Lieutenant Abbott, how did you get out of that bank vault? Sam, I'll tell it to you all with a nutshell Can't you tell it to me here? I don't think we'd both fit in a nutshell Sam, I've been working on a series of bank burglaries Monday night for Kelly Yang, held up the First National Bank Tuesday they held up the Second National Bank Wednesday they held up the Third National Bank So tonight, I was waiting for them at the Fourth National Bank And you caught them? Tonight they held up the First National Bank again But enough about myself Enough about my trouble, Sam You don't look good. What's the matter? I didn't get any sleep last night, Lieutenant A burglar climbed into my bedroom window and made me get out of bed I stood there shivering in my lung on the wear Why didn't you holler for help? He had a gun and I was afraid to open my trap After the burglar left, I still couldn't get any sleep I was worried about my brother Pat He kept poking his head into my room Lots of guys poke their heads into their brother's rooms On the end of a stick? Did you hear those shots? They came from the office next door Who rents that office next door? An organization called the American Society of Patriotic Americans for the preservation of freedom in the United States of all and for all patriotic Americans What do they do? They're foreign spies Sam, Sam, look There's the guy that did the shooting, he's coming in here He's got a gun So this is the place I've been looking for, eh? Where's Sam Shubble, the private detective? What do you want with him? I'm gonna kill him I hate radio detectives I hate them all The Tin Man, the Fat Man, the Hillary Queen But most of all, I hate Sam Shubble I'm gonna gouge his eyes out I'll kill him with left Now, who are you? Oh, I'm just an ordinary police Eh? Honest, mister I'm not a radio detective And you? Who are you, Fatso? Well, um I'm, uh, um You know, it's, um I'm the down-stand-air rabbit Hand me my cookbook Cookbook? Who are you? Don't you recognize me? Mary Margaret McBride Oh, so you're the one that gives out those recipes, huh? Well, if there's anything I hate worse than radio detectives It's those recipes programs I'll kill them all I'll kill them like a pig So, wind up the nice hygiene accessible And plus, after a little advice from this fellow Are you sure the folks at home like this Sam Shubble series are doing? Oh, certainly, Abbott Listen to this letter Dear Luke Costello, other radio detectives Get you to listen Expecting something big on their shows Then in the end, they have nothing You never disappoint the listener You have nothing right from the start That's a compliment to our writers Oh, sure And I'm glad they heard that fair letter, folks Because our writing staff is headed by Eddie Foreman With Paul Collins, that Costello Martin Right away on the stern And our producer is Charles Vander See you all next Thursday Good night, folks Good night, everybody Listen each Thursday night at this time For another great Abbott and Costello show Produced and transcribed in Hollywood Be sure to stay tuned for the Outstanding Entertainment Which follows throughout the evening On this ABC station