 If you are a victim of narcissistic abuse, this is one message you should listen to carefully. My name is Sam Vaknim. I'm the author of Malignan Selphlava, Narcissism Revisited, and many other books about personality disorders. And I'm a professor of psychology. And today I want to have a heart-to-heart with you, a fireside chat, and discuss with you your path as a victim of narcissistic abuse. Where are you coming from? And where on earth are you going? Two wrongs never make you right. Allow me to repeat this. Two wrongs never make you right. If you cheat on your cheating narcissist, you're still a cheater. If you abuse your abuser, you are an abuser yourself. If you behave like a psychopath, then you are a psychopath. Let it be clear. If you mirror evil, you become wicked. If you mirror evil, you become evil. Stare into the abyss, and the abyss will consume you whole. Being a victim is not a license to join the ranks of your tormentors. Beware of self-righteousness and moral superiority, because these are the paving stones on the path to your personal and relenting hell. You're a victim. No one is invalidating your experiences. No one, least of all I, underestimates what you have gone through. In 1995, I coined the term narcissistic abuse. I'm the father of the field. I gave you language. I gave you the voice that you are using now. Many of you never heard of me. Coaches, experts, communities, millions of people around the world never heard of me, but they are all using my language. They are all narcissistic abuse victims or experts or coaches, and it all started with me. So don't lecture me on what it means to be a victim. I'm the one who talks to the world what is to be the victim of a narcissist or the victim of a psychopath. It's the most harrowing, horrible, terror-filled experience. Nothing can be worse than this because the narcissists and psychopaths seek to vitiate you. They seek to assimilate you and digest you and leave nothing but your skeleton. I know that. I know how all consuming this experience is all pervasive, how ubiquitous the abuse is, how reality itself dissolves and becomes a phantasmagoria, a surrealistic landscape within which you move. I know the earth moves under your feet for all the wrong reasons. But beware. Beware of becoming that which you are fleeing from. Beware of joining those who had abused you. Are you a victim? Maybe you're a narcissist. Maybe you're a covert narcissist. Maybe you have borderline personality disorder. Take this into account. Or everyone with a class-to-be personality disorder. A narcissist, a psychopath, a borderline, a histrionic, everyone, every person afflicted with a class-to-be personality disorder. Consider themselves victims. You ask any narcissist. They will tell you, of course, I'm a victim. I'm the victim. I've been victimized. I'm gallible, I'm naive, I'm good-hearted and can-hearted. I wanted to help. I've been victimized. Many narcissists would claim to be the empathic party. All people with class-to-be personality disorders have alloplastic defenses. They tend to blame other people for any mishap, misfortune, failure and defeat in their lives. They have an external locus of control. They blame it all on the world. They are never responsible. They are never guilty. They are never blameworthy. The buck never stops with the narcissist and the psychopath. He passes it on. And he passes it on to you because he is the victim in his own eyes. Soul search. Ask yourself, am I really a victim? Did I contribute to what had happened? Do I have pronounced narcissistic traits? Did I behave or misbehave psychopathically as a psychopath would? Was I defined? Was I contumacious? Did I defy authority or resist authority? Did I behave promiscuously? Did I abuse substances? Did I collude and collaborate with others in perpetrating abusive acts? Soul search. Look at yourself in the mirror. The vast majority of victims are simply victims. But there is quite a sizable group who are not. They are actually covert narcissists or borderline. Judith Herman of Harvard University, she created the diagnosis of complex post traumatic stress disorder. She is the mother of complex trauma. Judith Herman insists that complex trauma is indistinguishable from borderline personality disorder. What is borderline personality disorder? People with borderline personality disorder are grandiose. They are entitled and they easily switch to secondary psychopathy. They are they have no impulse control. They are promiscuous. They are reckless. They are dangerous and very often they are malicious and malevolent. People with borderline personality disorder cannot be told apart from people who suffer from complex post traumatic stress disorder. That's not me. Judith Herman, the world's number one two and three authority on CPTSD. Kernberg, Otto Kernberg who had invented the field of personality disorder, he says that borderline personality disorder is just another form of pathological narcissism even malignant narcissism and all of them are on the verge of psychosis. Can you argue with Kernberg? I wouldn't if I were you. Grottschheim yet another prominent scholar in the field of cluster B personality disorders. Grottschheim claims that people with borderline personality disorder are simply failed narcissists in early childhood having been subjected to trauma and abuse, dead parenting, parents who are selfish, parents who breach the boundaries, the emerging boundaries of the child, parents who merge with the child and fuse with the child and parentify the child, etc. The child tried to develop narcissistic defenses, tried to become a narcissist and failed. The child becomes a borderline. So you see it's all intricately inextricably connected. You think you have complex post traumatic stress disorder. Maybe, likely actually, but maybe actually you have borderline personality disorder with pronounced narcissistic traits. Narcissism is a critical dimension of both borderline personality disorder and psychopathy. So maybe you are secondary psychopaths. You have empathy, you have access to your emotions but when you're stressed when you face abandonment and rejection when you're abused and tormented and tortured you become psychopaths. This is what happens to borderline. That's why today in academia we consider to merge these disorders. And for example to reconsider or reconceive a borderline is a form of secondary psychopathy. Many of you are innocent but many of you are not. Many of you are victims but many of you are not. Many of you have done nothing to deserve what had happened to you but many of you have colluded and contributed to and participated in your abuse in a form of dance macabre the tango of the dead. You were there you were present you were not absent you made choices, thousands of choices daily, monthly, weekly by decade. Ask yourself what did I do to have found myself in this situation and what can I avoid doing in the future? How to prevent this from happening again? Don't just adhere to the simplistic nonsensical self-interested exploitative messages of coaches and experts online who keep telling you you're blameless you're blameless you've done nothing you're perfect, you're angelic you're empathic, you're supportive you're amazing it's all his fault he did everything you couldn't have helped it you attract such people, you're a magnet don't listen to these people they just want your money they want to perpetuate your victimhood status because it pays it's good for business I'll come to it in a minute victims of prolonged abuse often interject internalize their abuses they convert their abuses into permanent persecutory objects inside their minds they have avatars icons, representations of the abuser up in their minds and this up is working in the background downloading material affecting the environment changing the victim's mind transmuting it and transforming it it's an active app it's like cancer, it metastasizes by interjecting the abuser you're perpetuating the abuse henceforth you trauma bond with this inner tormenting voice even when the original bully in your life is long out you have divorced your abuser you've moved away you broke up you've lost contact but the physical abuser is gone his voice is here his voice is here and it keeps tormenting you day in and day out every opportunity with every circumstance and you let it you let it when you preserve when you maintain when you worship your victim status to be a victim abuser so in order to remain a victim you enshrine the abuser you elevate the abuse into an organizing principle of your reality and your life it makes sense of your life victimhood becomes a cozy comfort zone and the victim is emotionally invested perfected in maintaining victimhood status pristine and operational victimhood becomes a determinant of the victim's identity it helps the victim to regulate her emotions ameliorate her anxiety and modulability the victim can blame everything on her victimhood status on her past she remains stuck in the past she can't move on perpetual victimhood is very addictive it's a form of reinforcement it's it's a dopamine rush it creates a dopamine path rush it's you can't get rid of it I mean the more you are into it the lower your chances of extricating yourself perpetual victimhood serves for indispensable psychological needs number one it restores victimhood restores a sense of agency restores a sense of self-efficacy it reverts the locus of control from out there external to internal why? because by being a victim you become somebody your victimhood status confers on you uniqueness it's a grandiose defense many victims garner attention they become the life of the party the focus of everyone's ministrations many victims make money from the newly found profession of victimhood victimhood pays victimhood gratifies victimhood is wonderful because now you have an identity you're a victim it's a skill a life skill you study it you analyze it every morning with walks I mean this is your idol it's idolatry number two victimhood makes sense of your personal history and of the world around you when you are in the throes of being abused when you are inside an abusive relationship the world looks and appears to be meaningless senseless chaotic disordered disorganized discombobulated and therefore frightening hostile and threatening here comes victimhood and everything makes suddenly makes perfect sense I know why these things happen to me I've been a victim and I can predict the future because if I come across another abuser I know what he's going to do I know the rules, I know the ropes out of here I want to remain a victim because as long as I'm a victim I'm safe the victimhood makes sense of your personal history makes sense of the world and renders them meaningful it suddenly introduces structure order purpose direction and even a sense of karmic justice they are all restored the universe is good again victimhood legitimizes avoidant behaviors the world out there is challenging and painful victimhood gives you permission to avoid the world to shun the world no more relationships no more men no more going out there no more testing no more exposing yourself to pain possible pain revealing your vulnerabilities victimhood is an encasement it's a coffin it mummifies you it renders you a corpse it removes you from the world in technical terms and clinical terms this is called constriction it constricts your life victimhood tells you you've been a victim once never be a victim again men did this to you avoid men you've been victimized and abused and bullied at work avoid work work from home don't go out, don't date don't try, don't challenge yourself don't attempt, reject life shun life because if you reject life it guarantees tranquility it guarantees an inert peace of mind and finally victimhood victim to indulge her grandiosity she feels morally superior she is immaculate angelic empathic, supportive loving, caring, compassionate in short victimhood renders the victim perfect, blemishless and blameless you become a narcissist victimhood is a form of grandiosity it's a form of narcissism it is a morality play of good versus evil all good versus all evil you are all good the narcissist is all evil and demonic we call this splitting it's a defense mechanism of black and white good and evil everything is divided down the middle there's no compromise, there's no overlap splitting is a primitive defense mechanism and it's typical of hold your breath narcissists and borderlines when you adopt victimhood as your main identity and later a profession you are splitting the world because as a victim you're with the angels and everyone else is the devil is a demon is to be eradicated and extricated abused manipulated and avoided so you're splitting the world you're becoming a narcissist this morality play, this crusade you are the warrior angel you're fighting off the demonic narcissists it's insane it's a form of sliding incrementally into insanity victimhood affords the victim membership in a tight-knit community like-minded people victims gravitate to other victims and victims form communities and forums and support groups these are all like-minded people it's an echo chamber no one will ever challenge you and without challenge without friction, without disagreement there's no growth the main problem in these forums they don't allow you to move on they are sticky you're stuck in the mud it's a swamp these sands are gonna swallow you they don't allow you to move on because when you're there you increase their power and their own grandiosity the leaders of such forums and support groups are usually narcissists covert or open narcissists so they want as many members as possible they want you to move on they want money as well and they do so victimhood is a confirmation bias you're gonna reject vehemently, aggressively, sometimes violently you're gonna reject any information that challenges your victimhood and you're gonna embrace and adopt and feel warm and fuzzy with any bit of fake news and false data that support your view of yourself as a perpetual, eternal victim the sense of belonging sense of being finally understood vindicated and elevated it is an intoxicating mix and victims become aggressive even when you try to take victimhood away from them when you try to alert them to their own imperfections when you try to elucidate the contributions they had made to their said state of affairs when you try to impute responsibility to them tell them you've been responsible it's also your responsibility what has happened to you is also your responsibility, you made choices you're an adult they get really mad at you and they react aggressively and sometimes violently and very often psychopathically with one or two laudable exceptions unscrupulous callous con artist psychopaths coaches and experts online they seek to perpetuate this state of victimhood they are telling their clients what they want to hear and what they are willing to pay for and it's good for business the truth and healing have a negative effect on the bargaining bottom lines of these scammers gurus so I want to read to you what was written in 1995 when no one heard of narcissism no one heard of narcissism and there was no phrase to describe the type of abuse that narcissists meet out this is the article in which I've coined the phrase narcissistic abuse and I want to read to you excerpts from this article 1995 sooner or later everyone around the narcissist is bound to become his victim people are sucked voluntarily or involuntarily into the turbulence that constitutes the narcissist life into the black hole that is the narcissist personality into the whirlwind which makes up the narcissist interpersonal relationships different people are adversely affected by different aspects of the narcissist life and his psychological makeup some people trust the narcissist and rely on the narcissist to be bitterly disappointed other people love the narcissist and they discover that he cannot reciprocate their love and yet other people are forced to live vicariously by proxy through the narcissist there are three categories of victims first of all there are victims of the narcissist instability the narcissist leads an unpredictable vicissitudinal precarious often dangerous life his ground is ever shifting geographically as well as mentally the narcissist changes addresses, workplaces, vocations avocations, interests friends and enemies with a bewildering speed the narcissist bates authority and challenges it the narcissist is therefore prone to conflict likely to be a criminal a rebel, a dissident or a critic he gets bored easily trapped in cycles of idealization and devaluation of people places, hobbies, jobs and values the narcissist is mercurial unstable and unreliable his family suffers his spouse and children have to wander with him in his private desert endure the via dolorosa that he incessantly walks these people these nearest, dearest insignificant others they live in constant fear and trepidation what next where next, who is next to a lesser extent this is the case with his friends, bosses colleagues or even with his country, his nation these biographical vacillations and mental oscillations deny the people around the narcissist autonomy unperturbed development and self-fulfillment their own path to self-recognition and contentment to the narcissist, other people are mere instruments tools, sources of narcissistic supply he sees no reason to consider their needs their wishes, wants, desires or fears the narcissist derails their life with ease and ignorance deep inside the narcissist knows that he is wrong to do so because they might retaliate and so he develops for secretary delusions this is the first type of victims second class of victims victims of the narcissist misleading signals these are victims of the narcissist deceiving emotional messages the narcissist mimics real emotions artfully, he exudes the air of someone really capable of loving or of being hurt of one passionate soft, empathic and caring most people are misled into believing that the narcissist is even more humane than average covert narcissists are very good at this by the way people fall in love with the narcissist mirage the fleeting image with the phatomorgana of a lush emotional oasis in the midst of their own emotional desert they succumb they succumb, they give in to the luring proposition that he is they give in they give up and they give everything only to be discarded ruthlessly when judged by the narcissist to be no longer useful riding high on the crest of the narcissist over valuation only to crash into the abysmal depths of his devaluation these people lose control over their own emotional life the narcissist drains people exhaust their resources sucks the blood life of narcissistic supply from their dwindling depleted cells this emotional rollercoaster is so harrowing that the experience borders on the truly traumatic to remove doubt this behavior pattern is not confined to matters of the heart the narcissist's employer for instance his boss he is misled by the narcissist's apparent seriousness industriousness, ambition willing to sacrifice, intelligence honesty, thoroughness and a host of other utterly fake qualities shallow they are fat, fake and shallow because they are directed at securing narcissistic supply not at doing a good job the narcissist's clients and suppliers suffer from the same illusion the narcissist's false emanations are not restricted to messages with emotional content his messages may contain wrong or false or partial information the narcissist does not hesitate to lie, confabulate, deceive or reveal in quote unquote misleading half truths he appears to be intelligent and charming and therefore reliable the narcissist is a convincing conjurer of words, signs, behaviors and body language he is a sleight of hand he is a magician and the above two classes of victims are casually exploited and then discarded by the narcissist no more malice is involved in this than in any other interaction with an instrument the narcissist does not hate does not hate you or love you or any thing he does not feel anything generally and about you specifically he just uses you and then your shelf life is over and you are over there is no more premeditation contemplation on the part of the narcissist than you meditate and contemplate believing these are all of you are victims of narcissistic reflexes perhaps this is what makes it also repulsively horrific the offhanded nature the absent minded nature of the damage that the narcissist inflicts on these victims but there is a third category of victims these are the victims upon whom the narcissist designs maliciously and intentionally plans to inflict his wrath wrath and bad intentions the narcissist is both sadistic and masochistic in some in some respects in hurting other people he always seeks to hurt himself there is a self destructive streak in punishing them he wishes to be penalized their pains are indirectly his pains and so he attacks the narcissist attacks figures of authority and social institutions with vicious, uncontrolled, vituperative almost insane rage only to accept his due punishment these institutions these figures of authority these intimate partners these employers they react to the narcissist's venomous diatrice or antisocial actions they react and he knows they are going to react but he accepts the inevitable punishment with incredible complacency or even relief he engages in vitriolic humiliation of his skin and folk of regime and government of his firm or the law only to suffer pleasurably in the role of the outcast the rebel the excommunicated the dissident the exiled and the imprisoned the punishment of the narcissist does little to compensate his randomly rather incomprehensibly selected victims the narcissist forces individuals forces even groups of people around him to pay a heavy toll materially in reputation or emotionally the narcissist is ruinous and destructive and in behaving so the narcissist seeks to be punished but also to maintain emotional detachment later on I invented the phrase emotional involvement preventive mechanisms threatened by intimacy and by the predatory coziness of routine and mediocrity the narcissist lashes back at what he perceives to be the sources of this dual threat he attacks people whom he thinks take him for granted those people who fail to recognize his superiority those people who render him average, common, normal is going to punish them and they alas include just about everyone the narcissist knows this text was written in 1995 25 years ago long before anyone has heard of narcissists I wish you happier healthier many more years to come stay well and above all stay sane don't become that which you had feared the most thank you for listening