 CHAPTER XVIII. August XXV. I am now quite settled down to my usual routine of steady occupations and quiet amusements, tolerably contented and cheerful, but still looking forward to spring with the hope of returning to town. Not for its gayities and dissipations, but for the chance of meeting Mr. Huntington once again, for still he is always in my thoughts and in my dreams. In all my employments, whatever I do, or see, or hear, has an ultimate reference to him. Whatever skill or knowledge I acquire is some day to be turned to his advantage or amusement. Whatever new beauties in nature or art I discover are to be depicted to meet his eye, or stored in my memory to be told to him at some future period. This at least is the hope that I cherish, the fancy that lights me on my lonely way. It may be only an igneous fetus, after all, but it can do no harm to follow it with my eyes and rejoice in its luster, as long as it does not lure me from the path I ought to keep. And I think it will not, for I have thought deeply on my answer-vice, and I see clearly now the folly of throwing myself away on one that is unworthy of all the love I have to give, and incapable of responding to the best and deepest feelings of my innermost heart. So clearly, that even if I should see him again, and if he should remember me and love me still, which alas is too little probable considering how he is situated and by whom he is surrounded, and if he should ask me to marry him, I am determined not to consent until I know for certain whether my answer-pinnion of him or mine is nearest the truth, for if mine is altogether wrong, it is not he that I love, it is a creature of my own imagination. But I think it is not wrong. No. No. There is a secret something, an inward instinct that assures me I am right. There is the essential goodness in him, and what delight to unfold it. If he is wandered, what bliss to recall him. If he is now exposed to the baneful influence of corrupting and wicked companions, what glory to deliver him from them. Oh, if I could but believe that heaven has designed me for this. Today is the first of September, but my uncle has ordered the gamekeeper to spare the partridges till the gentleman come. What gentleman, I asked when I heard it. A small party he had invited to shoot. His friend Mr. Wilmot was one, and my aunt's friend, Mr. Borham, was another. This struck me as terrible news at the moment, but all regret and apprehension vanished like a dream when I heard that Mr. Huntington was actually to be a third. My aunt is greatly against his coming, of course. She earnestly endeavoured to dissuade my uncle from asking him, but he, laughing at her objections, told her it was no use talking, for the mischief was already done. He had invited Huntington and his friend Lord Lobrow before we left London, and nothing now remained but to fix the day for their coming. So he is safe, and I am sure of seeing him. I cannot express my joy. I find it very difficult to conceal it from my aunt, but I don't wish to trouble her with my feelings till I know whether I ought to indulge them or not. If I find it my absolute duty to suppress them, they shall trouble no one but myself. And if I can really feel myself justified in indulging this attachment, I can dare anything, even the anger and grief of my best friend, for its object. Surely I shall soon know. But they are not coming till about the middle of the month. We are to have two lady visitors also. Mr. Wilmot is to bring his niece and her cousin Millicent. I suppose my aunt thinks the latter will benefit me by her society, and the salutary example of her gentle deportment and lowly and tractable spirit, and the former I suspect she intends as a species of counter-attraction to win Mr. Huntington's attention from me. I don't thank her for this, but I shall be glad in Millicent's company. She is a sweet, good girl, and I wish I were like her. More like her, at least, than I am. There come. They came the day before yesterday. The gentlemen are all gone out to shoot, and the ladies are with my aunt at work in the drawing-room. I have retired to the library, for I am very unhappy, and I want to be alone. Books cannot divert me, so having opened my desk I will try what may be done by detailing the cause of my uneasiness. This paper will serve instead of a confidential friend into whose ear I might pour forth the overflowing of my heart. It will not sympathize with my distresses, but then it will not laugh at them, and, if I keep it close, it cannot tell again. So it is, perhaps, the best friend I could have for this purpose. First, let me speak of his arrival. How I sat at my window, and watched for nearly two hours before his carriage entered the park gates, for they all came before him. And how deeply I was disappointed at every arrival, because it was not his. First came Mr. Wilmot and the ladies. When Millicent had got into her room, I quitted my post a few minutes to look in upon her and have a little private conversation, for she was now my intimate friend, several long epistles having passed between us since our parting. On returning to my window I beheld another carriage at the door. Was it his? No. It was Mr. Bohem's plain dark chariot, and there he stood upon the steps, carefully superintending the dislodging of his various boxes and packages. What a collection! One would have thought he projected a visit of six months at least—a considerable time after—came Lord Borough in his barouche. Is he one of the profligate friends, I wonder? I should think not, for no one could call him a jolly companion, I'm sure. And besides, he appears too sober and gentlemanly in his demeanor to merits at suspicions. He is a tall, thin, gloomy-looking man, apparently between thirty and forty, and of a somewhat sickly, care-worn aspect. At last Mr. Huntington's light-fainton came bowling merrily at the lawn. I had but a transient glimpse of him. For the moment it stopped he sprang out over the side onto the portico steps and disappeared into the house. I now submitted to be dressed for dinner. A duty which Rachel had been urging upon me for the last twenty minutes, and when that important business was completed I would repair to the drawing-room, where I found Mr. and Miss Wilmot and Millicent Hargrave already assembled. Shortly after Lord Borough entered, and then Mr. Borham, who seemed quite willing to forget and forgive my former conduct, and to hope that a little consolation and steady perseverance on his part might yet succeed in bringing me to reason. While I stood at the window, conversing with Millicent, he came up to me, and was beginning to talk in nearly his usual strain when Mr. Huntington entered the room. How will he greet me, I wonder, said my bounding heart, and instead of advancing to meet him, I turned to the window to hide or subdue my emotion. But having saluted his host and hostess, and the rest of the company, he came to me, ardently squeezed my hand, and moment he was glad to see me once again. At that moment dinner was announced. My aunt desired him to take Miss Hargrave into the dining-room, and odious Mr. Wilmot, with unspeakable grimaces, offered his arm to me, and I was condemned to sit between himself and Mr. Borham. But afterwards, when we were all again assembled in the drawing-room, I was indemified for so much suffering by a few delightful minutes of conversation with Mr. Huntington. In the course of the evening, Miss Wilmot was called upon to sing and play for the amusement of the company, and I to exhibit my drawings, and though he likes music, and she is an accomplished musician, I think I am in the right in affirming that he paid more attention to my drawings than to her music. So far so good. But hearing him pronounce, Sotovoce, but with peculiar emphasis, concerning one of the pieces, this is better than all, I looked up, curious to see which it was, and to my horror beheld him complacently gazing at the back of the picture. It was his own face that I had sketched there and forgotten to rub out. To make matters worse, in the agony of the moment I attempted to snatch it from his hand, but he prevented me, and exclaiming, No, by George, I'll keep it, placed it against his waistcoat, and buttoned his coat upon it with a delighted chuckle. Then, drawing a candle close to his elbow, he gathered all the drawings to himself, as well as what he had seen as the others, and muttering, I must look at both sides now. He eagerly commenced an examination, which I watched, at first, with horrible composure, in the confidence that his vanity would not be gratified by any further discoveries, for, though I must plead guilty to having disfigured the backs of several with abortive attempts to delineate that too fascinating physiognomy. I am sure that, with that one unfortunate exception, I had carefully obliterated all such witnesses of my infatuation, but the pencil frequently leaves an impression upon cardboard that no amount of rubbing can efface. Such, it seems, was the case with most of these, and I confess, I trembled when I saw him holding them so close to the candle, and pouring so intently over the seeming blanks. But still, I trusted, he would not be able to make out these dim traces to his own satisfaction. I was mistaken, however. Having ended his scrutiny, he quietly remarked, I perceived the backs of young ladies' drawings, like the postscripts of their letters, are the most important and interesting part of the concern. Then, leaning back in his chair, he reflected a few minutes in silence, complacently smiling to himself. And while I was concocting some cutting speech wherewith to check his gratification, he rose, and passing over to where Annabella Wilmot sat vehemently coquetting with Lord Lobaro, seated himself on the sofa beside her, and attached himself to her for the rest of the evening. So then, thought I, he despises me, because he knows I love him. And the reflection made me so miserable, that I knew not what to do. Millicent came and began to admire my drawings, and make remarks upon them. But I could not talk to her. I could talk to no one. And, upon the introduction of tea, I took advantage of the open door and the slight diversion caused by its entrance to slip out. For I was sure I could not take any, and take refuge in the library. My aunt St. Thomas inquested me to ask if I were not coming to tea. But I bade him say I should not take any to-night. And, happily, she was too much occupied with her guests to make any further inquiries at the time. As most of the company had travelled far that day, they retired early to rest. And having heard them all, as I thought, go upstairs, I ventured out to get my candlestick from the drawing-room sideboard. But Mr. Huntington had lingered behind the rest. He was just at the foot of the stairs when I opened the door. And hearing my step in the hall, though I could hardly hear it myself, he instantly turned back. Helen, is that you? said he. Why did you run away from us? Good night, Mr. Huntington, said I, coldly, not choosing to answer the question, and I turned away to enter the drawing-room. But you'll shake hands, won't you? said he, placing himself in the doorway before me, and he seized my hand and held it, much against my will. Let me go, Mr. Huntington, said I. I want to get a candle. The candle will keep, he returned. I made a desperate effort to free my hand from his grasp. Why are you in such a hurry to leave me, Helen? he said, with a smile of the most provoking self-sufficiency. You don't hate me, you know. Yes, I do, at the moment. Not you. It is Annabella Wilmot who hate, not me. I have nothing to do with Annabella Wilmot, said I, burning with indignation. But I have, you know, returned he, with peculiar emphasis. That is nothing to me, sir, I retorted. Is it nothing to you, Helen? Will you swear it? Will you? No, I won't, Mr. Huntington, and I will go, cried I, not knowing whether to laugh, or to cry, or to break out in a tempest of fury. Go then, you vixen, he said. But the instant he released my hand, he had the audacity to put his arm around my neck, and kiss me. Trembling with anger and agitation, I don't know what besides, I broke away, and got my candle, and rushed upstairs to my room. He would not have done so, but for that hateful picture. And there he had it still in his possession, an eternal moment to his pride, and my humiliation. It was but little sleep I got that night. And in the morning I rose perplexed and troubled with the thoughts of meeting him at breakfast. I knew not how it was to be done. An assumption of dignified, cold indifference, would hardly do, after what he knew of my devotion, to his face, at least. Yet something must be done to check his presumption. I would not submit to be tyrannized over by those bright, laughing eyes. And, accordingly, I received his cheerful morning salutation, as calmly and coldly as my aunt could have wished, and defeated with brief answers his one or two attempts to draw me into conversation, while I comported myself with unusual cheerfulness and complacence towards every other member of the party, especially Annabella Wilmot, and even her uncle and Mr. Bohem were treated with an extra mount of civility on the occasion, not from my any motives of coquetry, but just to show him that my particular coolness and reserve arose from no general ill-humour or depression of spirits. He was not, however, to be repelled by such acting as this. He did not talk much to me, but when he did speak it was with a degree of freedom and openness and kindness, too, that plainly seemed to intimate he knew his words were music to my ears, and when his looks met mine it was with a smile, presumptuous it might be, but— oh, so sweet, so bright, so genial, that I could not possibly retain my anger. Every vestige of displeasure soon melted away beneath it, like morning clouds before the summer sun. Soon after breakfast all the gentlemen save one, with boyish eagerness, set out on their expedition against the hapless partridges. My uncle and Mr. Wilmot on their shooting-ponies, Mr. Huntington and Lord Lobrow on their legs. The one exception being Mr. Bohem, who, in consideration of the rain that had fallen during the night, thought it prudent to remain behind a little and join them in a while when the sun had dried the grass. And he favoured us all with a long and minute disquisition upon the evils and dangers attended upon damp feet, delivered with the most impertable gravity, amid the jeers and laughter of Mr. Huntington and my uncle who, leaving the prudent sportsman to entertain the ladies with his medical discussions, sallied forth with their guns, bending their steps to the stables first to have a look at the horses and let out the dogs. Not desirous of sharing Mr. Bohem's company for the whole of the morning, I betook myself to the library, and there brought forth my easel and began to paint. The easel and the painting apparatus would serve as an excuse for abandoning the drawing-room if my aunt should come to complain of the desertion, and besides I wanted to finish the picture. It was one I had taken great pains with, and I intended it to be my masterpiece, though it was somewhat presumptuous in the design. By the bright azure of the sky and by the warm and brilliant lights and deep long shadows, I had endeavoured to convey the idea of a sunny morning. I had ventured to give more of the bright verdeur of spring or early summer to the grass and foliage than is commonly accepted in a painting. The scene represented was an open glade in a wood. A group of dark scotch furs was introduced in the middle distance to relieve the prevailing freshness of the rest, but in the foreground was part of the gnarled trunk and of the spreading boughs of a large forest tree, whose foliage was a brilliant golden green, not golden from autumn or melanness, but from the sunshine and the very immaturity of the scarce expanded leaves. Upon this vow, that stood out in bold relief against the samba furs, was seated in amorous pair of turtle doves, whose soft, sad-coloured plumage afforded a contrast of another nature, and beneath it a young girl was falling on the daisy spangled turf, with head thrown back and masses of fair hair falling on her shoulders, her hands clasped, lips parted, and eyes intently gazing upward, in pleased yet earnest contemplation of those feathered lovers, too deeply absorbed in each other to notice her. I had scarcely settled to my work, which, however, wanted but a few touches to the finishing, when the sportsman passed the window on the return from the stables. It was partly open, and Mr. Huntington must have seen me as he went by, for in half a minute he came back, and setting his gun against the wall, threw up the sash and sprang in, and set himself before my picture. Very pretty a faith, said he, after attentively regarding it for a few seconds, and a very fitting study for a young lady, spring just opening into summer, morning approaching noon, girlhood just ripening into womanhood, and hope just verging on fruition. She's a sweet creature. Who-why didn't you make her black hair? I thought light hair would suit her better. You see, I have made her blue-eyed and plump, and fair and rosy. Upon my word, a very heevy, I would fall in love with her if I hadn't the artist before me. Sweet innocent. She's thinking there will come a time when she will be wooed and won like that pretty hen dove by his fond and fervent alava, and she's thinking how pleasant it will be, and how tender and faithful he will find her. And, perhaps, suggested I, how tender and faithful she shall find him. Perhaps, for there is no limit to the wild extravagance of hope's imaginings at such an age. Do you call that, then, one of her wild extravagant delusions? No. My heart tells me it is not. I might have thought so once, but now I say, Give me the girl I love, and I will swear eternal constancy to her and her alone, through summer and winter, through youth and age, and life and death, if age and death must come. He spoke this in such serious earnest that my heart bounded with delight, but the minute after he changed his tone, and asked, with a significant smile, if I had any more portraits. No, replied I, reddening with confusion and wrath. But my portfolio was on the table. He took it up, and cruelly sat down to examine its contents. Mr. Huntington, those are my unfinished sketches, cried I, and I never let any one see them. And I placed my hand on the portfolio to rest it from him, but he maintained his hold, assuring me that he liked unfinished sketches of all things. But I hate them to be seen, returned I. I can't let you have it, indeed. Let me have its bowels, then, said he, and just as I wrenched the portfolio from his hand he deftly abstracted the greater part of its contents, and after turning them over he cried out, Bless my stars! Here's another, and slipped a small oval ivory paper into his waistcoat pocket, a complete miniature portrait that I had sketched with horrible success as to be induced to colour it with great pains and care. But I was determined he should not keep it. Mr. Huntington, cried I, I insist upon having that back. It is mine, and you have no right to take it. Give it back directly. I'll never forgive you if you don't. But the more verminately I insisted, the more he aggravated my distress by his insulting, gleeful laugh. At length, however, he restored it to me, saying, Well, well, since you value it so much I'll not deprive you of it. To show him how I valued it I tore it into, and threw it into the fire. He was not prepared for this. His merriment suddenly ceasing, he stared in mute amazement at the consuming treasure, and then, with a caseless, Humph! I'll go and shoot now. He turned on his heel, and vacated the apartment by the window as he came, and setting on his hat with an air, took up his gun, and walked away, whistling as he went, and leaving me not too much agitated to finish my picture, for I was glad, at the moment, that I had vexed him. When I returned to the drawing-room, I found Mr. Boreham had ventured to follow his comrades to the field, and shortly after lunch, to which they did not think of returning, I volunteered to accompany the ladies in a walk, and show Annabella and Millicent the beauties of the country. We took a long ramble, and re-entered the bank just as the sportsmen were returning from their expedition. Toils spent, and travels stained, the main body of them crossed over to the grass to avoid us, but Mr. Huntington, all spattered and splashed as he was, and stained with the blood of his prey, to the no small offence of my aunt's strict sense of propriety, came out of his way to meet us, with cheerful smiles, and woods for all but me, and placing himself between Annabella Wilmot and myself, walked up the road, and began to relate the various exploits and disasters of the day, in a manner that would have covulsed me with laughter if I had been on good terms with him. But he addressed himself entirely to Annabella, and I, of course, left all the laughter and all the banagage to her, and affecting the utmost indifference to whatever passed between them, walked along a few spaces apart, and looking every way but theirs, while my aunt and Millicent went before, linking arm in arm and gravely discursing together. At length Mr. Huntington turned to me, and addressing me in a confidential whisper said, Helen, why did you burn my picture? Because I wished to destroy it, I answered, with an asperity it is useless now to lament. Oh, very good was the reply. If you don't value me, I must turn to somebody that will. I thought it was partly ingest, a half-playful mixture of mock resignation and pretended indifference, but immediately he resumed his place beside Miss Wilmot, and from that hour to this, during all that evening, and all the next day, and the next, and the next, and all this morning, the twenty-second, he has never given me one kind word or one pleasant look, never spoken to me, but from pure necessity, never glanced towards me but with a cold, unfriendly look I thought him quite incapable of assuming. My aunt observes the change, and though she has not inquired the cause, or made any remark to me on the subject, I see it gives her pleasure. Miss Wilmot observes it too, and triumphantly ascribes it to her own superior charms and blandishments, but I am truly miserable, more than I like to acknowledge to myself. Pride refuses to aid me, it has brought me into this grave, and will not help me out of it. He meant no harm. It was only his joyous, playful spirit, and I, by my acrimonious resentment, so serious, so disproportionate to the offense, have so wounded his feelings, so deeply offended him, that I fear he will never forgive me, and all for a mere jest. He thinks I dislike him, and he must continue to think so. I must lose him forever, and Annabella may win him, and triumph as she will. But it is not my loss, nor her triumph that I deplore so greatly as the wreck of my fond hopes for his advantage, and her unworthiness of his affection, and the injury he will do himself by trusting his happiness to her. She does not love him. She thinks only of herself. She cannot appreciate the good that is in him. She will neither see it, nor value it, nor cherish it. She will neither deplore his faults, nor attempt their amendment, but rather aggravate them by her own. And I doubt whether she will not deceive him after all. I see she is playing double between him and Lord Laubro, and while she amuses herself with the lively Huntington, she tries her utmost to enslave his moody friends. And should she succeed in bringing both to her feet, the fascinating commoner will have but little chance against the lordly peer. If he observes her artful bi-play, it gives him no uneasiness, but rather adds new zest to his diversion by opposing a stimulating check to his otherwise too easy conquest. Messieurs Wilmot and Borham have severally taken occasion by his neglect of me to renew their advances, and if I were like Annabella and some others, I would take advantage of their perseverance to endeavour to peek him into revival of affection. But justice and honesty are part. I could not bear to do it. I am annoyed enough by their present persecutions without encouraging them further. And even if I did, it would have precious little effect upon him. He sees me suffering under the condescending attentions and prosaic discourses of the one and the repulsive obtrusions of the other without so much as the shadow of commiseration for me, or resentment against my tormentors. He never could have loved me, or he would have not resigned me so willingly, and he would not go on talking to everyone else so cheerfully as he does, laughing and jesting with Lord Lorborough and my uncle, teasing Millicent Hargrave and flirting with Annabella Wilmot. As if nothing were on his mind. Oh! Why can't I hate him? I must be infatuated. But I must rally all the powers I have remaining, and try to tear him from my heart. There goes the dinner bell, and here comes my aunt to scold me for sitting here at my desk all day, instead of staying with the company. Wish the company were gone. CHAPTER XIX TWENTY SECOND NIGHT What have I done? And what will be the end of it? I cannot calmly reflect upon it. I cannot sleep. I must have recourse to my diary again. I will commit it to paper tonight, and see what I shall think of it to-morrow. I went down to dinner, resolving to be cheerful and well conducted, and kept my resolution very creditably, considering how my head ached, and how internally wretched I felt. I don't know what has come over me of late. My very energies, both mental and physical, must be strangely impaired, or I should not have acted so weakly in many respects as I have done. But I have not been well this last day or two. I suppose it is with sleeping and eating so little, and thinking so much, and being so continually out of humour. But, to return, I was exerting myself to sing and play for the amusement, and at the request of my aunt and Millicent, before the gentleman came into the drawing-room. Miss Wilmot never likes to waste her musical efforts on ladies ears alone. Millicent had asked for a little scotch-song, and I was just in the middle of it when they entered. The first thing Mr Huntingdon did was to walk up to Annabella. Now, Miss Wilmot, won't you give us some music tonight? Said he. Do now. I know you will, when I tell you that I have been hungering and thirsting all day for the sound of your voice. Come, the piano's vacant. It was, for I had quitted it immediately upon hearing his petition. Had I been endowed with a proper degree of self-possession, I should have turned to the lady myself, and cheerfully joined my entreaties to his, whereby I should have disappointed his expectations, if the affront had been purposely given, or made him sensible of the wrong, if it had only arisen from thoughtlessness. But I felt it too deeply to do anything, but rise from the music stool, and throw myself back on the sofa, suppressing with difficulty the audible expression of the bitterness I felt within. I knew Annabella's musical talents were superior to mine, but that was no reason why I should be treated as a perfect non-entity. The time and the manner of his asking her appeared like a gratuitous insult to me, and I could have wept with pure vexation. Meantime, she exultingly seated herself at the piano, and favoured him with two of his favourite songs, in such superior style that even I soon lost my anger in admiration, and listened with a sort of gloomy pleasure to the skillful modulations of her full-toned and powerful voice, so judiciously aided by her rounded and spirited touch, and while my ears drank in the sound, my eyes rested on the face of her principal auditor, and derived an equal or superior delight from the contemplation of his speaking countenance, as he stood beside her. That eye and brow lighted up with keen enthusiasm, and that sweet smile passing and appearing like gleams of sunshine on an April day. No wonder he should hunger and thirst to hear her sing. I now forgave him from my heart his reckless slight of me, and I felt ashamed at my pettish resentment of such a trifle. A shame, too, of those bitter envious pangs that gnawed my inmost heart in spite of all this admiration and delight. There now, said she, playfully running her fingers over the keys when she had concluded the second song, what shall I give you next? But in saying this, she looked back at Lord Lobara, who was standing a little behind, leaning against the back of a chair, an attentive listener, too, experiencing, to judge by his countenance, much the same feelings of mingled pleasure and sadness as I did. But the look she gave him plainly said, Do you choose for me now? I have done enough for him, and will gladly exert myself to gratify you. And thus encouraged his lordship came forward, and turning over the music, presently set before her a little song that I had noticed before, and read more than once, with an interest arising from the circumstances of my connecting it in my mind with the reigning tyrant of my thoughts. And now, with my nerves already excited and half unstrung, I could not hear those words so sweetly warbled forth, without some symptoms of emotion I was not able to suppress. Tears rose, unbidden, to my eyes, and I buried my face in the sofa pillow that they might flow unseen while I listened. The air was simple, sweet, and sad. It is still running in my head, and so are the words. Fair well to thee, but not fair well, to all my fondest thoughts of thee, within my heart they still shall dwell, and they shall cheer and comfort me. O beautiful, and full of grace, if thou hadst never met mine eye, I had not dreamed a living face could fancy charms so far out by. If I may ne'er behold again that form and face so dear to me, nor hear thy voice, still would I feign preserve, for I, their memory. That voice, the magic of whose tone, can wake an echo in my breast, creating feelings that, alone, can make my transit spirit blessed. That laughing eye whose sunny beam my memory would not cherish less, and, oh, that smile whose joyous gleam no mortal languish can express. Adieu, but let me cherish still the hope with which I cannot part, contempt may wound, and coldness chill, but still it lingers in my heart, and who can tell but heaven at last may answer all my thousand prayers, and bid the future pay the past, with joy for anguish smiles for tears. When it ceased I longed for nothing so much as to be out of the room. The sofa was not far from the door, but I did not dare to raise my head, for I knew Mr. Huntingdon was standing near me, and I knew, by the sound of his voice, as he spoke, in answer to some remark of Lord Loverer's, that his face was turned towards me. Perhaps a half-suppressed sob had caught his ear, and caused him to look round, heaven forbid. But with a violent effort I checked all further signs of weakness, dried my tears, and when I thought he had turned away again, rose, and instantly left the apartment, taking refuge in my favourite resort, the library. There was no light there, but the faint red glow of the neglected fire, but I did not want a light, I only wanted to indulge my thoughts, unnoticed, and undisturbed, and sitting down on a low stool before the easy chair, I sunk my head upon its cushioned seat, and thought, and thought, until the tears gushed out again, and I wept like any child. Presently, however, the door was gently opened, and someone entered the room. I trusted it was only a servant, and did not stir. The door was closed again, but I was not alone. A hand gently touched my shoulder, and a voice said softly, Helen, what is the matter? I could not answer at the moment. You must, and shall tell me, was added more vehemently, and the speaker threw himself on his knees beside me on the rug, and forcibly possessed himself of my hand, but I hastily caught it away, and replied, It is nothing to you, Mr. Huntingdon. Are you sure it is nothing to me, he returned? Can you swear that you were not thinking of me while you wept? This was unendurable. I made an effort to rise, but he was kneeling on my dress. Tell me, continued he, I want to know, because if you were, I have something to say to you, and if not, I'll go. Go, then, I cried, but fearing he would obey too well, and never come again, I hastily added, or say what you have to say and have done with it. But which, said he, for I shall only say it, if you really were thinking of me. So tell me, Helen, you are excessively impertinent, Mr. Huntingdon. Not at all, too pertinent, you mean, so you won't tell me. Well, I'll spare your woman's pride, and construe your silence into, yes, I'll take it for granted that I was the subject of your thoughts, and the cause of your affliction. Indeed, sir, if you deny it, I won't tell you my secret, threatened he, and I did not interrupt him again, or even attempt to repulse him. Though he had taken my hand once more, and half embraced me with his other arm, I was scarcely conscious of it at the time. It is this, resumed he, that Annabella Wilmot, in comparison with you, is like a flaunting peony, compared with a sweet wild rosebud, gemmed with dew, and I love you to distraction. Now, tell me if that intelligence gives you any pleasure? Silence again, that means yes. Then let me add that I cannot live without you, and if you will answer no to this last question, you will drive me mad. Will you bestow yourself upon me? You will, he cried, nearly squeezing me to death in his arms. No, no, I exclaimed, struggling to free myself from him. You must ask my uncle and aunt. They won't refuse me, if you don't. I'm not so sure of that. My aunt dislikes you. But you don't, Helen. Say you love me, and I'll go. I wish you would go, I replied. I will, this instant, if you'll only say you love me. You know I do, I answered. And again he caught me in his arms, and smothered me with kisses. At that moment, my aunt opened wide the door, and stood before us, candle in hand, in shocked and horrified amazement, gazing alternately at Mr. Huntingdon and me, for we had both started up, and now stood wide enough asunder. But his confusion was only for a moment. Rallying in an instant with the most enviable assurance he began, I beg ten thousand pardons, Mrs. Maxwell, don't be too severe upon me. I've been asking your sweet niece to take me for better, for worse. And she, like a good girl, informs me she cannot think of it, without her uncle and aunt's consent. So let me implore you not to condemn me to eternal wretchedness. If you favour my cause, I am safe. For Mr. Maxwell, I am certain, can refuse you nothing. We will talk of this to-morrow, sir," said my aunt coldly. It is a subject that demands mature and serious deliberation. At present you had better return to the drawing-room. But meantime, pleaded he, let me commend my cause to your most indulgent. No indulgence for you, Mr. Huntingdon, must come between me and the consideration of my niece's happiness. Ah, true! I know she is an angel, and I am a presumptuous dog to dream of possessing such a treasure, but nevertheless I would sooner die than relinquish her in favour of the best man that ever went to heaven. And as for her happiness, I would sacrifice my body and soul. Body and soul, Mr. Huntingdon, sacrifice your soul. Well, I would lay down life. You would not be required to lay it down. I would spend it, then, devote my life and all its powers to the promotion and preservation. Another time, sir, we will talk of this, and I should have felt disposed to judge more favourably of your pretensions, if you, too, had chosen another time and place. And let me add, another manner for your declaration. Why, you see, Mrs. Maxwell, he began. Pardon me, sir, said she with dignity, the company are inquiring for you in the other room. And she turned to me. Then you must plead for me, Helen, said he, and at length withdrew. You had better retire to your room, Helen, said my aunt gravely. I will discuss this matter with you, too, to-morrow. Don't be angry, aunt, said I. My dear, I am not angry, she replied. I am surprised. If it is true that you told him you could not accept his offer without our consent. It is true, interrupted I. Then how could you permit? I couldn't help it, aunt, I cried, bursting into tears. They were not altogether the tears of sorrow or of fear for her displeasure, but rather the outbreak of the general tumultuous excitement of my feelings. But my good aunt was touched at my agitation. In a softer tone she repeated her recommendation to retire, and gently kissing my forehead, bad me good night, and put her candle in my hand. And I went, but my brain worked so I could not think of sleeping. I feel calmer now that I have written all this, and I will go to bed, and try to win tired nature's sweet restorer. The Tenant of Wildfell Hall by Anne Bronte September 24th In the morning I rose, light and cheerful, nay, intensely happy. The hovering cloud cast over me by my aunt's views, and by the fear of not obtaining her consent, was lost in the bright effligence of my own hopes, and the too delightful consciousness of required love. It was a splendid morning, and I went out to enjoy it, in a quiet ramble, in company with my own blissful thoughts. The dew was on the grass, and ten thousand gossamas were waving in the breeze. The happy red breast was pouring out its little soul in song, and my heart overflowed with silent hymns of gratitude and praise to heaven. But I had not wandered far before my solitude was interrupted by the only person that could have disturbed my musings at that moment, without being looked upon as an unwelcome intruder. Mr. Huntington came suddenly upon me. So unexpected was the apparition that I might have thought at the creation of an over-excited imagination, had the sense of sight alone borne witness to his presence. But immediately I felt his strong arm round my waist, and his warm kiss on my cheek, while his keen and gleeful salutation, my own Helen, was ringing in my ear. Not yours yet, said I, hastily swerving aside from this too presumptuous greeting. Remember, my guardians, you will not easily obtain my aunt's consent. Don't you see she's prejudiced against you? I do, dearest, and you must tell me why, so that I may best know how to combat her objections. I suppose she thinks I am a prodigal, pursued he, observing that I was unwilling to reply, and concludes that I shall have but little worldly goods wherewith to endow my better half. If so, you must tell her that my property is mostly entailed, and I cannot get rid of it. There may be a few mortgages on the rest, a few trifling debts and encumbrances here and there, but nothing to speak of, and though I acknowledge I am not so rich as I might be, or have been, still I think we could manage pretty comfortably on what's left. My father, you know, was something of a miser, and in his latter days especially, saw no pleasure in life but to amass riches. And so it is no wonder that his son should make his chief delight to spend them. Which was, according to the case, until my acquaintance with you, dear Helen, taught me other views and nobler aims. And the very idea of having you to care for under my roof would force me to moderate my expenses, and live like a Christian, not to speak of all the prudence and virtue you would instill into my mind by your wise counsels and sweet attractive goodness. But it's not that, said I. It's not money, my aunt thinks about. She knows better than to value worldly wealth above its price. What is it, then? She wishes me to, to marry none but a really good man. What, a man of decided piety? Well, come, I'll manage that, too. It's Sunday today, isn't it? I'll go to church morning, afternoon and evening, and comport myself in such a godly sort that she shall regard me with admiration and sisterly love as a brand plucked from the burning. I'll come home sighing like a furnace, and full of the saviour and unction of dear Mr. Blayton's discourse. Mr. Layton, I said, dryly. Is Mr. Layton a sweet preacher, Helen? A dear, delightful, heavenly-minded man. Here's a good man, Mr. Huntington. I wish I could say half as much for you. I forgot you're a saint, too. I crave your pardon, dearest, but don't call me, Mr. Huntington. My name is Arthur. I'll call you nothing, for I have nothing at all to do with you if you talk in that way any more. If you really mean to deceive my aunt, as you say, you are very wicked, and if not, you are very wrong to jest on such a subject. I stand corrected, said he, concluding his laugh with a sorrowful sigh. Now, resumed he after a momentary pause, let us talk about something else, and come nearer to me, Helen, and take my arm, and I'll let you alone. I can't be quiet when I see you walking there. I complied, but said we must soon return to the house. No one will be down to breakfast yet, for long enough, he answered. You spoke of guardians just now, Helen, but is not your father still living? Yes, but I always look upon my aunt and uncle as my guardians, for they are so indeed, though not in name. My father has entirely given me up to their care. I have never seen him since dear mama died, and I was a very little girl, and my aunt, at her request, offered to take charge of me, and took me away to Standingley, where I have remained ever since, and I don't think he would object to anything for me that she thought proper to sanction. But would he sanction anything to which she thought proper to object? No, I don't think he cares enough about me. He is very much to blame. But he doesn't know what an angel he has for a daughter, which is all the better for me as, if he did, he would not be willing to part with such a treasure. And Mr. Huntington said, I suppose you know I am not an heiress. He protested he had never given it a thought, and begged I would not disturb his present enjoyment by the mention of such an uninteresting subject. I was glad of this proof of disinterested affection, for Annabella Wilmot is the probable heiress to all her uncle's wealth, in addition to her late father's property, which she has already in possession. I now insisted upon retracing our steps to the house. But we walked slowly, and went on talking as we proceeded. I need not repeat all we said. Let me rather refer to what passed between my aunt and me, after breakfast, when Mr. Huntington called my uncle aside, no doubt to make his proposals. And she beckoned me into another room, where she once more commenced a solemn remonstrance, which, however, entirely failed to convince me that her view of the case was preferable to my own. You judge him uncharitably, aunt, I know, said I. His friends are not half so bad as you represent them. There is Walter Hargrave Millicent's brother for one. He is but a little lower than the angels. If half she says of him is true, she is continually talking to me about him and lauding his many virtues to the skies. You will form a very inadequate estimation of a man's character, replied she, if you judge by what a fond sister says of him. The worst of them generally know how to hide their misdeeds from their sister's eyes, and their mother's too. And there is Lord Lowbrow, continued I, quite a decent man. Who told you so? Lord Lowbrow is a desperate man. He has dissipated his fortune in gambling and other things, and is now seeking an heiress to retrieve it. I told Miss Wilmot so, but you're all alike. She haughtily answered that she was very much obliged to me, but she believed she knew when a man was seeking her fortune, and when for herself. She flattered herself she had had experience enough in those matters to be justified in trusting to her own judgment. And as for his Lord's lack of fortune, she cared nothing about that, and she hoped her own would suffice for both. And as for his wildness, she supposed he was no worse than the others. Besides, he was reformed now. Yes, they can all play the hypocrite when they want to take in a fond misguided woman. Well, I think he's about as good as she is, said I. But when Mr. Huntington is married, he won't have many opportunities of consorting with his bachelor friends, and the worse they are, the more I long to deliver him from them. To be sure, my dear, and the worse he is, I suppose the more you long to deliver him from himself. Yes, provided he is not incorrigible, that is, the more I long to deliver him from his faults. To give him an opportunity of shaking off the adventitious evil God from contact with others worse than himself, and shining out the unclouded light of his own genuine goodness, to do my utmost to help his better self against his worse, and make him what he would have been if he had not from the beginning had such a bad selfish miserly father, who, to gratify his own sordid passions, restricted him in the most innocent enjoyments of childhood and youth, and so disgusted him with every kind of restraint, and a foolish mother who indulged him to the top of his bent, deceiving her husband for him, and doing her utmost to encourage those germs of folly and vice it was her duty to suppress. And then such a set of companions as you represent his friends to be. Poor man, said she sarcastically, his kind have greatly wronged him. They have, cried I, and they shall wrong him no more, his wife shall undo what his mother did. Well, said she after a short pause, I must say, Helen, I thought better of your judgment than this, and your taste too. How can you love such a man I cannot tell, or what pleasure you can find in his company? For what fellowship hath light with darkness all that he believeth with an infidel? He is not an infidel, and I am not light, and he is not darkness. His worst and only vice is thoughtlessness. And thoughtlessness, pursued my aunt, may lead to every crime, and will but poorly excuse our errors in the sight of God. Mr. Huntington, I suppose, is not without the common faculties of men. He is not so light-headed as to be irresponsible. His maker has endowed him with reason and conscience, as well as the rest of us. The scriptures are open to him as well as to others. And if he hear not them, neither will he hear, though one rose from the dead, and remember Helen, continued she solemnly, the wicked shall be turned into hell, and they that forget God. And suppose even that he should continue to love you and you him, and that you should pass through life together with tolerable comfort. How will it be in the end when you see yourselves parted forever? You, perhaps, taken into eternal bliss, and he cast into that lake that burneth with unquenchable fire, there forever to—not forever, I exclaimed, only till he has paid the utmost farthing. For if any man's work abide not the fire, he shall suffer loss, yet himself shall be saved, but so as by fire. And he that is able to subdue all things to himself will have all men to be saved, and will in the fullness of time gather together in one all things in Christ Jesus, who tasted death for every man, and in whom God will reconcile all things to himself, whether they be things in earth or things in heaven. Oh, Helen, where did you learn all this? In the Bible, aren't I have searched it through and found nearly thirty passages all tending to support the same theory. And that is the use you make of your Bible? And did you find no passages tending to prove the danger and falsity of such a belief? No, I found indeed some passages that, taken by themselves, might seem to contradict that opinion, but they will all bear a different construction to that which is commonly given. And in most the only difficulty is the word which we translate everlasting or eternal. I don't know the Greek, but I believe it strictly means for ages, and might signify either endless or long-enduring. And as for the danger of the belief, I would not publish it abroad if I thought any poor wretch would be likely to presume upon it to his own destruction, but it is a glorious thought to cherish in one's own heart, and I would not part with it for all the world can give. Here our conference ended, for it was now high time to prepare for church. Everyone attended the morning service, except my uncle, who hardly ever goes, and Mr. Wilmot, who stayed at home with him to enjoy a quiet game of cribbage. In the afternoon Miss Wilmot and Lord Lowbrow likewise excused themselves from attending, but Mr. Huntington vouchsafed to accompany us again. Whether it was to ingratiate himself with my aunt, I cannot tell, but if so he certainly should have behaved better. I must confess I did not like his conduct during service at all. Holding his prayer-book upside down, or open at any place, but the right, he did nothing but stare about him, unless he happened to catch my aunt's eye online, and then he would drop his own book, with a puritanical air of mock solemnity that would have been ludicrous if it had not been too provoking. Once during the sermon, after attentively regarding Mr. Layton for a few minutes, he suddenly produced his gold pencil case and snatched up a Bible. Perceiving that I observed the movement, he whispered that he was going to make a note of the sermon. But instead of that, as I sat next to him, I could not help but seeing that he was making a caricature of the preacher, giving to the respectable pious elderly gentleman the air and aspect of a most absurd old hypocrite. And yet upon his return he talked to my aunt about the sermon with a degree of modest, serious discrimination, that tempered me to believe he had really attended to and profited by the discourse. Just before dinner, my uncle called me into the library for the discussion of a very important matter, which was dismissed in few words. Now, now, said he, this young Huntington has been asking for you. What must I say about it? Your aunt would answer no, but what say you? I say yes, uncle replied I, without a moment's hesitation, for I had thoroughly made my mind up on the subject. Very good, cried he. Now, that's a good honest answer. Wonderful for a girl. Well, I'll write to your father tomorrow. He's sure to give his consent. So you may look on the matter as settled. You'll have done a great deal better if you'd taken Wilmot, I can tell you. But that you won't believe, and at your time of life it's love that rules the roast. At mine it's solid serviceable gold. I suppose now you'd never dream of looking into the state of your husband's finances or troubling your head about settlements or anything of that sort. I don't think I should. Well, be thankful then that your wiser heads to think for you. I haven't had time yet to examine thoroughly into this young Rascals affairs, but I see that a great part of his father's fine property has been squandered away. But still, I think there's a pretty fair share of it left, and little careful nursing may make a handsome thing of it yet. And then we must persuade your father to give a decent fortune, as he has only one besides yourself to care for. And if you behave well, who knows but what I may be induced to remember you in my will, continued he, putting his finger to his nose with a knowing wink. Thanks, uncle, for that and all your kindness, replied I. Well, and I questioned this young spark on the matter of settlements, continued he, and he seemed disposed to be generous enough on that point. I knew he would, said I, but pray don't trouble your head, or his or mine about that, for all I have will be his, and all he has will be mine. And what more could either of us require? And I was about to make my exit, but he called me back. Stop, stop, cried he. We haven't mentioned the time yet. When must it be? Your aunt would put it off till the lord knows when. But he is anxious to be bound as soon as may be. He won't hear of waiting beyond next month, and you, I guess, will be of the same mind. So not at all, uncle, on the contrary. I should like to wait until after Christmas at least. Oh, poo poo, never tell me that tale. I know better, cried he. And he persisted in his incredulity. Nevertheless, it is quite true. I am in no hurry at all. How can I be when I think of the momentous change that awaits me, and of all I have to leave? It is happiness enough to know that we are to be united, and that he really loves me, and I may love him as devotedly, and think of him as often as I please. However, I insisted upon consulting my aunt about the time of the wedding, for I determined her counsels should not be utterly disregarded, and no conclusions on that particular I come to yet. End of CHAPTER XXI October 1st All is settled now. My father has given his consent, and the time is fixed for Christmas by a sort of compromise between the respective advocates for hurry and delay. Millicent Hargrave is to be one bridesmaid, and Annabel will met the other. Not that I am particularly fond of the latter, but she is an intimate of the family, and I have not another friend. When I told Millicent of my engagement, she rather provoked me by her manner of talking it. After staring a moment in mute surprise, she said, Well, Helen, I suppose I ought to congratulate you, and I am glad to see you so happy. But I did not think you would take him, and I can't help feeling surprised that you should like him so much. Why so? Because you are so superior to him in every way, and there is something so bold and reckless about him. So, I don't know how, but I always feel a wish to get out of his way when I see him approach. You are timid, Millicent, but that's no fault of his. And then his look continued she. People say he's handsome, and of course he is, but I don't like that kind of beauty, and I wonder that you should. Why so, pray? Well, you know, I think there's nothing noble or lofty in his appearance. In fact, you wonder that I can like anyone so unlike the stilted heroes of romance. Well, give me my flesh and blood lover, and I'll leave all the Sir Herbert's and Valentine's to you, if you can find them. I don't want them, said she. I'll be satisfied with flesh and blood, too. Only the spirit must shine through and predominate. But don't you think Mr. Huntington's face is too red? No, cried I, indignantly. It is not red at all. There is just a pleasant glow, a healthy freshness in his complexion, the warm pinky tone of the whole harmonizing with the deeper color of the cheeks, exactly as it ought to do. I hate a man to be red and white, like a painted doll, or all sickly white or smoky black, or cadaverous yellow. Well, taste stiffer, but I like pale or dark, replied she. But, to tell you the truth, Helen, I have been deluding myself with the hope that you would one day be my sister. I expected Walter would be introduced to you next season, and I thought you would like him, and was certain he would like you. And I flattered myself, I should thus have the felicity of seeing the two persons I like best in the world, except Mama, united in one. He may not be exactly what you would call handsome, but he's far more distinguished looking and nicer and better than Mr. Huntington. And I'm sure you would say so if you knew him. Impossible, Millicent, you think so because you're his sister. And, on that account, I'll forgive you. But nobody else should so disparage Arthur Huntington to me with impunity. Miss Wellmet expressed her feelings on the subject almost as openly. And so Helen, said she, coming up to me with a smile of no amiable import, you are to be Mrs. Huntington, I suppose. Yes, replied I, don't you envy me? Oh, dear, no, she exclaimed, I shall probably be Lady Lowborough some day, and then you know, dear, I shall be in a capacity to inquire, don't you envy me? Henceforth I shall envy no one, returned I. Indeed, are you so happy, then, said she thoughtfully? And something very like a cloud of disappointment shattered her face. And does he love you? I mean, does he idolize you, as much as you do him? She added, fixing her eyes upon me with ill-disguised anxiety for the reply. I don't want to be idolized, I answered, but I am well assured that he loves me more than anybody else in the world, as I do him. Exactly, said she with a nod, I wish, she paused. What do you wish, asked I, annoyed at the vindictive expression of her continence. I wish, returned she with a short laugh, that all the attractive points and desirable qualifications of the two gentlemen were united in one, that Lord Lowborough had Huntington's handsome face and good temper, and all his wit and mirth and charm, or else that Huntington had Lowborough's pedigree and title, and delightful with family's seat, and I had him, and you might have the other and welcome. Thank you, dear Annabella, I am better satisfied with things as they are, for my own part, and for you I wish you were as well content with your intended as I am with mine, said I, and it was true enough. For, though vexed at first at her unemuble spirit, her frankness touched me, and the contrast between our situations was such that I could well afford to pity her and wish her well. Mr. Huntington's acquaintances appear to be no better pleased with our approaching union than mine. This morning's post brought him letters from several of his friends, during the perusal of which, at the breakfast table, he excited the attention of the company by the singular variety of his grimaces. But he crushed them all into his pocket with a private laugh, and said nothing till the meal was concluded. Then, while the company were hanging over the fire, or loitering through the room, previous to settling to their various morning avocations, he came and leaned over the back of my chair, with his face in contact with my curls, and, commencing with a quiet little kiss, poured forth the following complaints into my ear. Helen, you witch, do you know that you've entailed upon me the curses of all my friends? I wrote to them the other day to tell them of my happy prospects. And now, instead of a bundle of congratulations, I've got a pocket full of bitter execrations and reproaches. There's not one kind wish for me, or one good word for you among them all. They say there'll be no more fun now, no more merry days and glorious nights, and all my fault. I am the first to break up the jovial band, and others in pure despair will follow my example. I was the very life and prop of the community. They do me the honour to say, and I have shamefully betrayed my trust. You may join them again, if you like, said I, somewhat peaked at the sorrowful tone of his discourse. I should be sorry to stand between any man, or body of men, and so much happiness. And perhaps I could manage to do without you, as well as your poor deserted friends. Bless you, know, murmured he. It's all for love or the world well lost with me. Let them go to where they belong, to speak politely. But if you saw how they abused me, Helen, you would love me all the more for having ventured so much for your sake. He pulled out his crumpled letters. I thought he was going to show them to me, and told him I did not wish to see them. I'm not going to show them to you, love, said he. They're hardly fit for a lady's eyes, the most part of them. But look here, this is Grimsby Scrawl. Only three lines, this sulky dog. He doesn't say much, to be sure, but his very silence implies more than all the other's words, and the less he says, the more he thinks. And this is Hargraves' missive. He is particularly grieved at me because, for sooth he had fallen in love with you from his sister's reports, and meant to have married you himself as soon as he had sewn his wild oats. I am vastly obliged to him, observed I. And so am I, said he. And look at this, this is Hatter's lease. Every page stuffed full of railing accusations, bitter curses, and lamentable complaints, ending up with swearing that he'll get married himself in revenge. He'll throw himself away on the first old maid that chooses to set her cap at him, as if I cared what he did with himself. Well, said I, if you did give up your intimacy with these men, I don't think you will have much cause to regret the loss of their society, for it's my belief they never did you much good. Maybe not, but we'd have married time of it too, though mingled with sorrow and pain, as Lobaro knows to his cost. Ha-ha! And while he was laughing at the recollection of Lobaro's troubles, my uncle came and slapped him on the shoulder. Come, my lad, said he, are you too busy making love to my niece to make war with the pheasants? First of October, remember? Sun shines out, rain ceased, even Borm's not afraid to venture in his waterproof boots, and Wilmot and I are going to beat you all. I declare we oldens are the keenest sportsmen of the lot. I'll show you what I can do today, however, said my companion, I'll murder your birds by wholesale, just for keeping me away from better company than either you or them. And so, saying, he departed, and I saw no more of him till dinner. It seemed a weary time. I wonder what I shall do without him. It is very true that the three elder gentlemen have proved themselves much keener sportsmen than the two younger ones, for both Lord Lobaro and Arthur Huntingdon have, of late, almost daily neglected the shooting excursions to accompany us in our various rides and rambles. But these merry times are fast drawing to a close, and last in a fortnight the party break up, much to my sorrow, for every day I enjoy it more and more. Now that Missors Borum and Wilmot have ceased to tease me, and my aunt has ceased to lecture me, and I have ceased to be jealous of Annabella, and even to dislike her. And now that Mr. Huntingdon is become my Arthur, and I may enjoy his society without restraint. What shall I do without him, I repeat. My cup of sweets is not unmingled. It is dashed with the bitterness that I cannot hide from myself, disguise it as I will. I may try to persuade myself that the sweetness overpowers it. I may call it a pleasant aromatic flavor, but say what I will. It is still there, and I cannot but taste it. I cannot shut my eyes to Arthur's faults, and the more I love him the more they trouble me. His very heart, that I trusted so, is, I fear, less warm and generous than I thought it. At least he gave me a specimen of his character today that seemed to merit a harder name than thoughtlessness. He and Lord Loughborough were accompanying Annabella and me in a long, delightful ride. He was riding by my side, as usual, and Annabella and Lord Loughborough were a little before us, the latter bending towards his companion as if in tender and confidential discourse. Those two will get the start of us, Helen, if we don't look sharp, observed Huntington. They'll make a match of it as sure as can be. That Loughborough's fairly besotted, but he'll find himself in a fix when he's got her, I doubt. And she'll find herself in a fix when she's got him, said I, if what I've heard of him is true. Not a bit of it. She knows what she's about. But he, poor fool, deludes himself with the notion that she'll make him a good wife. And because she has amused him with such rotomatade about despising rank and wealth in matters of love and marriage, he flatters himself that she's devotedly attached to him, that she will not refuse him for his poverty, and does not court him for his rank, but loves him for himself alone. But is he not courting her for her fortune? No, not he. That was the first attraction, certainly. But now he has quite lost sight of it. It never enters his calculations, except merely as an essential without which, for the lady's own sake, he could not think of marrying her. No, he's fairly in love. He thought he never could be again, but he's in for it once more. He was to have been married before, some two or three years ago, but he lost his bride by losing his fortune. He got into a bad way among us in London. He had an unfortunate taste for gambling, and surely the fellow was born under an unlucky star, for he always lost thrice where he gained once. That's a mode of self-tournament I never was much addicted to. When I spend my money, I like to enjoy the full value of it. I see no fun in wasting it on thieves and black-legs, and as for gaining money, hitherto I have always had sufficient. It's time enough to be clutching for more, I think, when you begin to see the end of what you have. But I have sometimes frequented the gaming-houses just to watch the on-goings of those mad votaries of chance. A very interesting study, I assure you, Helen, and sometimes very diverting. I've had many a laugh at the boobies and bedlamites. Laubro was quite infatuated, not willingly, but a necessity. He was always resolving to give it up, and always breaking his resolutions. Every venture was the just once more, if he gained a little, he hoped to gain a little more next time, and if he lost, it would not do to leave off at that juncture. He must go on till he had retrieved that last misfortune at least. Bad luck could not last forever, and every lucky hit was looked upon as the dawn of better times, till experience proved the contrary. At length he grew desperate, and we were daily on the lookout for a case of fellow to say, no great matter. Some of us whispered as his existence had ceased to be in acquisition to our club. At last, however, he came to a check. He made a large stake, which he determined should be the last, whether he lost or won. He had often so determined before, to be sure, and as often broken his determination. And so it was this time. He lost, and while his antagonist smilingly swept away the stakes, he turned chalky white, drew back in silence, and wiped his forehead. I was present at the time, and while he stood with folded arms and eyes fixed on the ground, I knew well enough what was passing in his mind. Is this to be the last loud burrow, said I, stepping up to him? The last but one, he answered with a grim smile, and then, rushing back to the table, he struck his hand upon it, and raising his voice high above all the confusion of jingling coins and muttered oaths and curses in the room. He swore a deep and solemn oath that, come what would, this trial should be the last. An imprecated, unspeakable curses on his head if ever he should shuffle a card or rattle a dicebox again. He then doubled his former stake and challenged anyone present to play against him. Grimsby instantly presented himself. Laubrow glared fiercely at him, for Grimsby was almost as celebrated for his luck as he was for his ill fortune. However they felt to work, but Grimsby had much skill and little scruple, and whether he took advantage of the other's trembling, blinded eagerness to deal unfairly by him, I cannot undertake to say, but Laubrow lost again and fell dead sick. We better try once more, said Grimsby, leaning across the table, and then he winked at me. I have nothing to try with, said the poor devil with a ghastly smile. Oh, Huntington will lend you what you want, said the other. No, you heard my oath, answered Laubrow, turning away in quiet despair. I took him by the arm and let him out. Is it to be the last Laubrow, I asked, when I got him into the street? The last, he answered, somewhat against my expectation, and I took him home, that is to our club, for he was as submissive as a child, and flied him with brandy and water, till he began to look rather brighter, rather more alive at least. Huntington, I am ruined, said he, taking the third glass from my hand. He had drunk the others in dead silence. Not you, said I. You will find a man can live without his money as merrily as a tortoise without its head, or a wasp without its body. But I am in debt, said he, deep in debt, and I can never, never get out of it. Well, what of that? Many a better man than you has lived and died in debt, and I can't put you in prison, you know, because you're a peer. And I handed him his fourth tumbler. But I hate to be in debt, he shouted. I wasn't porn for it, and I cannot bear it. What can't be cured must be endured, said I, beginning to mix the fifth. And then I've lost my caroline. And he began to snivel then, for the brandy had softened his heart. No matter, I answered, there are more carolines in the world than one. There's only one for me, he replied, with a dollar aside, and if there were fifty more, who's to get them, I wonder, without money. Oh, somebody will take you for your title, and then you've your family estate yet, that's entailed, you know, I wish to God I could sell it to pay my debts, he muttered. And then, said Grimsby, who had just come in, you can try again, you know, I would have more than one chance if I were you, I'd never stop here. I won't, I tell you, shouted he, and he started up and left the room, walking rather unsteadily, for the liquor had got into his head. He was not so much used to it then, but after that he took to it kindly to solace his cares. He kept his oath about gambling, not a little to the surprise of us all, though Grimsby did his utmost to tempt him to break it. But now he had got hold of another habit that bothered him nearly as much, for he soon discovered that the demon of drink was as black as the demon of play, and nearly as hard to get rid of, especially as his kind friends did all they could to second the promptings of his own insatiable cravings. Then they were demons themselves, cried I, unable to contain my indignation, and you, Mr. Huntingdon, it seems, were the first to tempt him. Well, what could I do, replied he deprecatingly. We meant it in kindness. We couldn't bear to see the poor fellow so miserable, and besides he was such a damper upon us, sitting there silent and glum, when he was under the threefold influence of the loss of his sweetheart, the loss of his fortune, and the reaction of the lost knight's debauch. Whereas, when he had something in him, if he was not merry himself, he was an unfailing source of merryment to us. Even Grimsby could chuckle over his odd sayings. They delighted him far more than my merry jests, or Hatter-slee's riotous mirth. But one evening, when we were sitting over our wine, after one of our club dinners, and all had been hardy together, the loud wereo giving us mad toasts and hearing our wild songs, and bearing hand in the applause, if he did not help us to sing them himself, he suddenly relapsed into silence, sinking his head on his hand, and never lifting his glass to his lips. But this was nothing new, so we let him alone, and went on with our jollification. Till, suddenly raising his head, he interrupted us in the middle of a roar of laughter by exclaiming, Gentlemen, where is all this to end? Will you just tell me that now? Where is it all to end? He rose. A speech! A speech! shouted we. Here, here, a loud row is going to give us a speech. He waited calmly till the thunders of applause and jingling of glasses had ceased, then proceeded. It's only this, Gentlemen, that I think we'd better go on no further. We'd better stop while we can. Just so cried Hatter-slee. Stop! Stop, sinner! Stop and think before you further go! No longer sports upon the brink of everlasting woe. Exactly, replied his lordship with the utmost gravity, and if you choose to visit the bottomless pit, I won't go with you. We must part company, for I swear I'll not take another step towards it. What's this? he said, taking up his glass of wine. Taste it, suggested I. This is hell-broth, he exclaimed. I renounce it forever, and he threw it out into the middle of the table. Fill again, said I, handing him the bottle, and let it shrink to your renunciation. It's rank poison, said he, grasping the bottle by the neck, and I, for swear it, have given up gambling, and I'll give up this too. He was on the point of deliberately pouring the whole contents of the bottle onto the table, but Hargrave rested it from him. On you be the curse, then, said he, and backing from the room he shouted, Farewell ye tempters, and vanished amid shouts of laughter and applause. We expected him back among us the next day, but to our surprise, the place remained vacant. We saw nothing of him for a whole week, and we really began to think he was going to keep his word. At last, one evening, when we were most of us assembled together again, he entered, silent and grim as a ghost, and would have quietly slipped into his usual seat at my elbow, but we all rose to welcome him, and several voices were raised to ask what he would have, and several hands were busy with bottle and glass to serve him. But I knew a smoking tumbler of brandy and water would comfort him best, and had nearly prepared it, when he peevishly pushed it away, saying, Do let me alone, Huntington, do be quiet all of you, I've not come to join you, I've only come to be with you for a while, because I can't bear my own thoughts. He folded his arms and lint back in his chair, so we let him be. But I left to the glass by him, and after a while, Grimsby directed my attention towards it by a significant weak, and on turning my head, I saw it was drained to the bottom. He made me assigned to replenish, and quietly pushed up the bottle. I willingly complied, but Laobaro detected the pantomime, and meddled with the intelligent grins that were passing between us, snatched the glass from my hand, dashed the contents of it in Grimsby's face, threw the empty tumbler at me, and then bolted from the room. I hope he broke your head, said I. No, Laob, replied he, laughing immoderately at the recollection of the whole affair. He would have done so, and perhaps spoilt my face, too, but providentially this forest of curls, taking off his hat and showing his luxuriant chestnut locks, saved my skull and prevented the glass from breaking till it reached the table. After that, he continued, Laobaro kept aloof from us a week or two longer. I used to meet him occasionally in the town, and then, as I was too good-natured to resent his unmanorly conduct, and he bore no malice against me. He was never unwilling to talk to me, on the contrary would cling to me, and follow me anywhere but to the club, and the gaming houses, and such like dangerous places of resort. He was so weary of his own moping, mulling-cawly mind. At last I got him to come in with me to the club, on condition that I would not tempt him to drink, and for some time he continued to look in upon us pretty regularly of an evening, still abstaining, with wonderful perseverance, from the rank poison he had so bravely foresworn. But some of our members protested against this conduct. They did not like to have him sitting there like a skeleton at a feast, instead of contributing his quota to the general amusement, casting a cloud over all, and watching with greedy eyes every drop they carried to their lips. They vowed it was not fair, and some of them maintained that he should either be compelled to do as others did or expelled from the society, and swore that next time he showed himself, they would tell him as much, and if he did not take the warning, proceed to active measures. However, I befriended him on that occasion, and recommended them to let him be for a while, intimating that, with a little patience on our parts, he would soon come round again. But to be sure it was rather provoking, for, though he refused to drink like an honest Christian, it was well known to me that he kept a private bottle of ladenum around him, which he was continually soaking at, or rather holding off and on with, abstaining one day and exceeding the next, just like the spirits. One night, however, during one of our orgies, one of our high festivals, I mean, he glided in like the ghost in Macbeth, and seated himself, as usual a little back from the table, in the chair we always placed for the specter, whether it chose to fill it or not. I saw by his face that he was suffering from the effects of an overdose of his insidious comforter, but nobody spoke to him, and he spoke to nobody. A few sight-thonglances and a whispered observation that the ghost was come was all the notice he drew by his appearance, and we went on with our merry carousels as before, till he startled us all by suddenly drawing in his chair and leaning forward with his elbows on the table and exclaiming with pretentious solemnity. Well, it puzzles me which you can find to be so merry about, what you see in life I don't know. I see only the blackness of darkness and a fearful looking for of judgment and fiery indignation. All the company simultaneously pushed up their glasses to him, and I set them before him in a semicircle, and tenderly patting him on the back, bit him drink, and he would soon see as bright as prospect as any of us, but he pushed them back muttering, take them away, I won't taste it I tell you, I won't, I won't. So I handed them down again to the owners, but I saw that he followed them with a glare of hungry regret as they departed. Then he clasped his hands before his eyes to shut out the sight, and two minutes after lifted his head again and said, and a horse put them in it whisper, and yet I must. Huntington give me a bottle. Take the bottle, man, said I, thrusting the brandy bottle into his hand, but stop, I'm telling too much, mutter the narrator, startle the look I turned upon him. But no matter, he recklessly added, and thus continued his relation. In his desperate eagerness he seized the bottle and sucked away till he suddenly dropped from his chair, disappearing under the table amid a tempest of applause. The consequence of this imprudence was something like a poplactic fit, followed by a rather severe brain fever. And what did you think of yourself, sir? said I quickly. Of course, I was very penitent, he replied. I went to see him once or twice, nay, twice or thrice, or by our lady some four times, and when he got better I tenderly brought him back to the fold. What do you mean? I mean, I restored him to the bosom of the club, and, compassionating the feebleness of his health and extreme low-ness of his spirits, I recommended him to take a little wine for his stomach's sake, and when he was sufficiently re-established, to embrace the media via a knee-jah-nee-knee-to-jure plan, not to kill himself like a fool, and not to abstain like a niny in a word, to enjoy himself like a rational creature and do as I did. For, don't think, Helen, that I'm a tipler. I'm nothing at all of the kind, and never was, and never shall be. I value my comfort far too much. I see that a man cannot keep himself up to drinking without being miserable, one half his days, and mad the other. Besides, I like to enjoy my life at all sides and ends, which cannot be done by one that suffers himself to be the slave of a single propensity. And, moreover, drinking spoils one's good looks, he concluded, with a most conceited smile, that ought to have provoked me more than it did. And did Lord Lowbrough profit by your advice, I asked? Why, yes, in a manner. For a while he managed very well. Indeed, he was a model of moderation and prudence, something too much so for the taste of our wild community. But somehow, Lowbrough has not the gift of moderation. If he stumbles a little to one side, he must go down before he could write himself. If he overshot the mark one night, the effects of it rendered him so miserable the next day, that he must repeat the offense to mend it, and so on from day to day, till his clamorous conscience brought him to a stand. And then, in his sober moments, he so bothered his friends with his remorse and his terrors and his woes, that they were obliged, in self-deference, to get into drown his sorrows in wine, or any more potent beverage that came to hand. And when his first scruples of conscious were overcome, he would need no more persuading. He would often grow desperate and be as great a blacker as any of them could desire, but only to lament his own unutterable wickedness and degradation, the more when the fit was over. At last, one day when he and I were alone together, after pondering a while in one of his gloomy, abstracted moods, with his arms folded and his head sunk on his breast, he suddenly woke up and vehemently grasping my arm said, Huntington, this won't do. I'm resolved to have done with it. What, are you going to shoot yourself, said I? No, I'm going to reform. If that's nothing new, you've been going to reform these twelve months and more. Yes, but you wouldn't let me, and I was such a fool I couldn't live without you. But now I see what it is that keeps me back and what's wanted to save me, and I'd come to see and land to get it, only I'm afraid there's no chance. And he sighed as if his heart would break. What is it, Lowbrow, said I, thinking he was fairly cracked at last? A wife, he answered, for I can't live alone because my own mind distracts me, and I can't live with you because you take the devil's part against me. Who, I? Yes, all of you do, and you more than any of them, you know. But if I could get a wife, with fortune enough to pay off my debts, and set me straight in the world, to be sure, said I, and sweetness and goodness enough, he continued, to make home tolerable, and to reconcile me to myself, I think I should do yet. I shall never be in love again, that's certain. But perhaps there would be no great matter. It would enable me to choose with my eyes open, and I should make a good husband in spite of it. But could anyone be in love with me? That's the question. With your good looks and powers of fascination, he was pleased to say, I might hope, but as it is, Huntington, do you think anyone would take me, ruined and wretched as I am? Yes, certainly. Who, why, any neglected old maid, fast-sinking in despair, would be delighted to. No, no, said he, it must be somebody that I can love. Why, you just said you could never be in love again. Well, love is not the word, but somebody that I can like. I'll search all England through at all events, he cried, with a sudden burst of hope, or desperation. Succeed or fail, it will be better than rushing headlong to destruction at that damned club, so farewell to it in you. Whenever I meet you on honest ground, or under a Christian roof, I shall be glad to see you, but nevermore shall you entice me to that devil's den. This was shameful language, but I shook hands with him, and we parted. He kept his word, and from that time forward he has been a pattern of propriety, as far as I can tell. But till lately I have not had very much to do with him. He occasionally sought my company, but as frequently shunned from it, fearing lest I should wile him back to destruction, and I found his not very entertaining, especially as he sometimes attempted to awaken my conscience, and draw me from the perdition he considered himself to have escaped. But when I did happen to meet him, I seldom failed to ask after the progress of his matrimonial efforts and researches, and in general he could give me but a poor account. The mothers were repelled by his empty coffers and his reputation for gambling, and the daughters by his cloudy brow and melancholy temper. Besides, he didn't understand them. He wanted the spirit and assurance to carry his point. I left him at it when I went to the continent, and on my return, at the year's end, I found him still a disconsolate bachelor, though certainly looking somewhat less like the unblessed exile from the tomb than before. The young ladies ceased to be afraid of him, and were beginning to think him quite interesting. But the mamas were still unrelenting. It was about this time, Helen, that my good angel brought me into conjunction with you, and then I had eyes and ears for nobody else. But meantime, Laubro became acquainted with our charming friend, Miss Wilmot, through the intervention of his good angel, no doubt he would tell you, though he did not dare to fix his hopes on one so courted and admired, till after they were brought into closer contact here at Standingly. And she, in the absence of her other admirers, indubitably courted his notice, and held out every encouragement to his timid advances. Then indeed he began to hope for a dawn of brighter days, and if, for a while, I darkened his prospects by standing between him and his son, and so nearly plunged him again into the abyss of despair, it only intensified his ardor and strengthened his hopes when I chose to abandon the field in the pursuit of a brighter treasure. In a word, as I told you, he is fairly besotted. At first he could dimly perceive her faults, and they gave him considerable uneasiness. But now his passion and her art together have blinded him to everything but her perfections and his amazing good fortune. Last night he came to me brimful of his newfound felicity. Huntington, I am not a castaway, said he, seizing my hand and squeezing it like a vice. There is happiness in store for me yet, even in this life. She loves me. Indeed, said I, has she told you so? No, but I can no longer doubt it. Do you not see how pointedly kind and affectionate she is? And she knows the utmost extent of my poverty, and cares nothing about it. She knows all the folly and all the wickedness of my former life. And is not afraid to trust me. And my rank and title are no allurements to her, for them she utterly disregards. She is the most generous, high-minded being that can be conceived of. She will save me, body and soul, from destruction. Already she has ennobled me in my own estimation, and made me three times better, wiser, greater than I was. Oh, if I had but known her before, how much degradation and misery I should have been spared. But what have I done to deserve so magnificent a creature? And the cream of the jest, continued Mr. Huntington laughing, is that the artful minx loves nothing about him but his title and pedigree, and that delightful old family seat. How do you know, said I? She told me so herself. She said, as for the man himself, I thoroughly despise him. But then I suppose it is time to be making my choice, and if I waited for someone capable of eliciting my esteem and affection, I should have to pass my life in single blessedness, for I detest you all. Ha-ha! I suspect she was wrong there. But, however, it is evident she has no love for him, poor fellow. Then you ought to tell him so. What, and spoil all her plans and prospects, poor girl? No, no, that would be a breach of confidence. Wouldn't it tell him? Ha-ha! Besides, it would break his heart. And he laughed again. Well, Mr. Huntington, I don't know what you see so amazingly diverting in the matter. I see nothing to laugh at. I am laughing at you, just now, love, said he, for doubling his machinations. And leaving him to enjoy his merriment alone, I touched Ruby with the whip and cantered on to rejoin our companions. For we had been walking our horses all this time, and were consequently a long way behind. Arthur was soon at my side again. But not disposed to talk to him. I broke into a gallop. He did the same, and we did not slacken our pace, till we came up with Miss Belmont and Lord Lauberot, which was within half a mile of the park gates. I avoided all further conversation with him, till we came to the end of our ride, when I meant to jump off my horse and vanish into the house, before he could offer his assistance. But while I was disengaging my habit from the crutch, he lifted me off, and held me by both hands, asserting that he would not let me go till I had forgiven him. I had nothing to forgive, said I. You have not injured me. No, darling, God forbid that I should, but you were angry because it was to me that Annabella confessed her lack of esteem for her lover. No, Arthur, it is not that that displeases me. It is the whole system of your conduct towards your friend, and if you wish me to forget it, go now, and tell him what sort of woman it is that he adores so madly, and on whom he has hung his hopes of future happiness. I tell you, Helen, it would break his heart. It would be the death of him, besides being a scandalous trick to pour Annabella. There is no hope for him now. He has past praying for. Besides, she may keep up the deception to the end of the chapter, and then he will be just as happy in the illusion as if it were reality, or perhaps he will only discover his mistake when he has ceased to love her. And if not, it is much better that the truth should dawn gradually upon him. So now, my angel, I hope I have made out a clear case, and fully convinced you that I cannot make the atonement you require. What other requisition have you to make? Speak, and I will gladly obey. I have none but this, said I as gravely as before, that in future you will never make a just of the sufferings of others, and always use your influence with your friends for their own advantage against their evil propensities, instead of seconding their evil propensities against themselves. I will do my utmost, said he, to remember and perform the injunctions of my angel-monetress, and after kissing both my gloved hands, he let me go. When I entered my room, I was surprised to see Annabella Wilmot standing before my toilet table, compositely surveying her features in the glass, with one hand flirting her gold-mounted whip, and the other holding up her long habit. She certainly is a magnificent creature, thought I, as I beheld that tall, finely developed figure, and the reflection of the handsome face in the mirror before me, with the glossy dark hair, slightly but not ungracefully disordered by the breezy ride, the rich brown complexion glowing with exercise, and the black eyes sparkling with unwanted brilliance. On perceiving me, she turned round, exclaiming, with a laugh that savoured more of malice than of mirth. Why, Helen, what have you been doing so long? I came to tell you my good fortune, she continued, regardless of Rachel's presence. Lord Loughborough has proposed, and I have been graciously pleased to accept him. Don't you envy me, dear? No, love, said I, or him either, I mentally added. And do you like him, Annabella? Like him? Yes, to be sure, overhead in ears and love. Well, I hope you'll make him a good wife. Thank you, my dear, and what besides do you hope? I hope you will both love each other and both be happy. Thanks, and I hope you make a very good wife to Mr. Huntingdon, said she, with a queenly bow, and retired. Oh, Miss, how could you say so to her? cried Rachel. Say what, replied I? Why, that you hoped she would make him a good wife. I never heard such a thing. Because I do hope it, or rather, I wish it. She's almost past hope. Well, said she, I'm sure I hope he'll make her a good husband. They tell us queer things about him downstairs. They were saying, I know, Rachel, I've heard all about him, but he's reformed now, and they have no business to tell tales about their masters. No, Mom, or else they have said some things about Mr. Huntington, too. I won't hear them, Rachel. They tell lies. Yes, Mom, she said quietly, as she went on rearranging my hair. Do you believe them, Rachel, I asked after a short pause? No, Miss, not at all. You know when a lot of servants get together, they like to talk about their betters, and some, for a bit of swagger, likes to make it appear as though they knew more than they do, and to throw out hints and things just to astonish the others? But I think if I was you, Miss Helen, I'd look very well before I leaped. I do believe a young lady can't be too careful who she marries. Of course not, said I. But be quick, will you, Rachel? I want to be dressed. And indeed, I was anxious to be rid of the good woman, for I was in such a melancholy frame I could hardly keep the tears out of my eyes while she dressed me. It was not for Lord Lauberot. It was not for Annabella. It was not for myself. It was for Arthur Huntington that they rose. Thirteenth. They are gone, and he is gone. We are to be parted for more than two months, above ten weeks. A long, long time to live and not to see him. But he has promised to write often, and may be promised to write still oftener, because he will be busy settling his affairs, and I shall have nothing better to do. Well, I think I shall always have plenty to say, but over the time when we shall be always together, and can exchange our thoughts without the intervention of these cold go-betweens. Pen, ink, and paper. Twenty-second. I have had several letters from Arthur already. They are not long, but passing sweet, and just like himself, full of art and affection, and playful, lively humor. But there is always a but in this imperfect world, and I do wish he would sometimes be serious. I cannot get him to write or speak in real, solid earnest. I don't much find it now. But if it be always so, what shall I do with the serious part of myself? End of Chapter 22, Recording by Melissa