 Hello, Ms. Rowling. How are you doing? It's rolling. Of course. How could I forget? I have a business proposition for you. Is this going to be like the time you convinced us to make the Fantastic Beasts movies? Yes. I mean, no, I mean... The first one made money. So did the last airbender. Okay, so the books I've written as Robert Galbraith have only made money because a few people have bought them to try and make fun of me and claim that I am a hilariously pathetic hack who only made it big through sheer dumb luck. You said it, not me. The Fantastic Beasts movies were critical and financial flops, and I had a large degree of creative control over them. Yeah, I remember. But Hogwarts Legacy sold very well, and I didn't have much input there. Yes, are you saying that we should make more media in the Harry Potter universe that doesn't connect directly to the main series in a clumsy manner that detracts from them both? Are you saying that a large franchise can only be viable in the long term if it has a large world to explore and doesn't continually go back to the well of nostalgia? No, no, no. See, the books were the most successful part of the franchise, and I had complete control over those. I didn't even need an editor after a while. Yes, of course. The books don't get bloated at all after Prisoner of Azkaban. See, you get it. If you want a new, successful foray into Hogwarts, you have to give me complete creative control over a new project. How could you possibly come to that conclusion? Nowadays, books aren't being made into movies. That is so 20 years ago. Nowadays, they're all being made into TV shows with absurd budgets. That means we have to remake Harry Potter as a TV show. What? Warner Brothers owns HBO now. We could stream it, or whatever, since nobody watches TV now. Every book could be a season of television instead of just a single movie. Joe, when you remake such a massive franchise, it's usually a good idea to wait more than 12 years after the last one. At least wait until most of the target audience isn't old enough to remember when the originals came out, especially when the movies have held up remarkably well. Please, we don't talk about the movies anymore. Some of the actors in them have criticized me for my behavior and beliefs, which is a cardinal sin. Some people online have even accused me of putting racial stereotypes into my work. Yeah, who could forget how you put in exactly one Irish character and his only personality trait was that he made things blow up? Vladimir Putin even cited me as a victim of cancel culture when he was complaining about how degenerate he thinks the West is. That sounds made up. It's not. It's 100% true. Look it up. Ugh. What do you think you could do with a TV adaptation of Harry Potter? Well, if we remake something this soon after the original, we'd have to change a lot to justify it. You know, explore different parts of the world, plug plot holes, expand on school life for regular Hogwarts students, maybe even alter one or two of the character's personalities. Yeah, maybe we could even race swap a few. You know, we could make Hermione black to drum up controversy and get some free press from grown men who get really upset about the race of characters in children's movies. Hermione has always been black. Of course. How could I forget? Obviously, we'd have to replace the main trio with new actors who aren't ungrateful brats that dare to respectfully contradict me in public. That way, everyone who loves Harry Potter will associate them with the new actors instead of the old ones who they have very fond childhood memories of and who have gone on to have impressive careers. Sure, whatever you say. Do you have any specific ways you want to improve things? You know, if I take this to investors, I'm going to need more than some vague promises. Okay, picture this. Voldemort is transgender. Oh my god.