 Kathy and Elliot Lewis on stage. The most distinguished names in radio, appearing each week in their own theater, starring in a repertory of transcribed stories of their own and your choosing. Radio's foremost players in radio's foremost plays. Ladies and gentlemen, Elliot Lewis. Good evening. May I present my wife, Kathy. Good evening. At one time or another, everyone, or almost everyone, feels it necessary to yell. This yelling can be done in the manner of a router at a baseball game, in which case it's either for his favorite or against the umpire. Or you yell when you're happy, a victory yell, so to speak. Like the loud noise you make when someone gives you $23 million. Or husbands and wives have been known to yell at each other. In a French movie, it's a sign of affection. Here in America, they're more liable to be crossed. And many of us yell at true or supposed injustices. Ross Murray created two lovely people several months ago in a play called Penny Antie. Their names were Stanley and Dora Finston. He got to like them and their attitudes, and he wrote another story about them. It's the one we're going to do tonight. If you put together everything we've said so far, you'll find it's the introduction to the Crusade of Stanley Finston. And the question of right or wrong shouldn't even enter your mind in this case, officer. Intent is what you should look for. And I assure you it was purely unintentional on my part. A friendly remonstrance on your part would be sufficient, I think. Sir? Not to mention the goodwill you fellas would gain from me. Would you sign here, Mr. Finston? You mean you're still going to give me a ticket? Yes, sir. Okay. If that's the way you want it, okay. Here you are, Mr. Finston, and here's your operator's license. Thanks. I see you wrote here I was cooperative. You are. Very. Well, that's the last time you guys will ever write that about me. From now on, the police department is going to have to get along without my cooperation. You guys will be sorry you gave me this ticket. Stanley Finston never forgets an injustice. You'll see. And that goes for my friends, too. It's me. Allison worked the staff overtime? No. Get caught in traffic? No. Then how come you're late? What am I on the witness stand or something? What's the matter with you? Nothing. You sure? Nothing. I tell you, it's nothing. All right. By the time you wash up, I'll have this... Dora. Yes, dear? You know what I heard today? No, what? I heard that the cops in this town have a ticket quota. A what? A ticket quota. You know, they have to give out so many tickets a day. Oh? Sure. They have figures with the cops in this town, the way they give out tickets for practically no reason at all. What did you get yours for? He said I went through... Went through what? A stop sign. Did you? Not exactly. What do you mean, not exactly? What I said, not exactly. The way they got some of those signs set up, it's a deliberate, money-making trap for the city. I was driving down Fourth Street. Stanley? Yes, Dora? Don't aggravate. We'll take $5 out of the vacation fund and pay. It's not the $5. It's the principal. Stanley, you can't fight City Hall. I learned that expression when I was a kid. Well, maybe you can't, but I can. How? Now, how can you, one man, fight the whole traffic department? I don't know, but I'm going to do it. Hmm? What? Stan, I thought I'd tell you, Allison's been watching you for the last few minutes. I don't know what you're reading, but I'll bet it isn't the reports on the Wilkerson account. There you know. The Wilkerson account isn't paper-bound. Now, don't get mad at me. I'm just tipping you off to watch it. Allison's kind of hard nose about outside reading during office hours. Okay. Thanks, Al. Can I have dibs on the book when you're through? What? You know. Don't be selfish, old pal. It's not that kind of book. Oh! No, I'm not kidding. It's the vehicle code. The who? The vehicle code. See? Well, what are you studying that for? You want to become a cop? Drop dead. Well, what are you studying for? I'm not studying. I'm only reading. What for? Well, yesterday I was driving... Uh-huh. Here comes Allison. Tell me at lunch, okay? Yeah, sure. Lunch. See you then. I can understand all you said about getting even with the cops, but I still can't understand how you're going to do it by reading the vehicle code. I'm going to find something in the vehicle code that I can use to turn against them. No, Stan. You can't fight City Hall. You been talking to Dora? Well, no. Why? Nothing, nothing. I'm telling you, Stanley, you get these guys mad at you. They go looking for you. I had an uncle once. I know what I'm doing. Sure you do. You said it. Stan. Yeah. Pay him the five bucks and forget it. I'll pay the five dollars, but I'm not going to forget it. This is a crusade. Are you with me? I'd like to be, but I can't. Why not? I'm chicken. Are you ever going to come to bed? Yeah, since I'm finished going over this section. Oh, for a week now you've been going over and over that book. How long are you going to keep this up? Till I find some mistake they made. They don't make mistakes. Yes, they do. I found a law about horses and livestock that they put in about 30 years ago and they were repealed only last year. If all this had happened last year, I would have had them where I want them. Oh, I'm sleepy, Stanley. Well, then go to bed. I told you I'd be with you as soon as I finished. You'll be dead when you go to the office tomorrow. I don't care. It's my principle I'm concerned with now. A man can't live without principle, Dora. He can't live without a job, either. I've got a job. You won't have if you're too sleepy to keep it. All right, all right, all right. Just a couple of more minutes. Is that too much to ask? No, Stanley. Good night. Good night. Dora. Yes, dear? Don't be mad at me. I'm not. Thank you, dear. You're quite welcome, Stanley. Good night. Good night. Hey. Section 452A. The vehicle approaching the intersection of the highway when we're approaching the crosswalk, not controlled by an eagle. We're just pushing in. And you're on the right way. Section 534A. The crosswalk at the intersection of Main and Wilson Street shall be prohibited to pedestrians in the underpass by all the air we're crossing. Oh, well, all times. Section 5... What's that? Huh? Section 534A. The crosswalk at the intersection of Main and Wilson shall be prohibited to... That's it. That's it. Dora. Dora. I got it. Dora. Wake up. Wake up. Dora. I got it. Dora. Wake up. What? What? What? Stanley. Wake up. Oh. I did that. I got it, Dora. I found what I was looking for. Dora. Honey. Wake up. Wake up. Come on. Wake up. I want to tell you what I got. Tell me in the morning. Please, Dora. Wake up. Wake up. All right. I'm up. No. What I mean is you know where Main and Wilson were blocked up so long? Yes, I know. Well, they passed a law saying that people couldn't cross the street. They had to go by way of the underpass. All right. So let them go that way. They don't have to do that now. The freeway is finished. Stanley, I'm awake enough to know. I don't know what you're talking about. What I mean is this. I can go through the crosswalk while there's a pedestrian in it and they can't touch me because legally the pedestrian isn't supposed to be there in the first place. So? So I'll deliberately keep going through the crosswalk while a pedestrian is in it and wait for a cop to stop me. And he'll give you a ticket. Oh, no, he won't. When I ask him what section of the vehicle code I violated, he'll have to tell me. And when he does, I'll throw section A right into his Sam Brown because giving me a ticket is illegal. Are you sure you know what you're doing, Stanley? Of course I know what I'm doing. The way these cops throw the vehicle code at you, when you make a little mistake, you'd think all drivers were morons. Well, this time they'll find out who the moron is. That's what I'm afraid of. What was the number of that section again? 534A. And by the time I get finished with it, they'll take it off the books and fast. I got to hand it to you, Stan. You sure know how to operate. If they'd let me alone, I would have let them alone. You can't say I didn't let them hit me first. When are you going to let them have it? Tomorrow. It being Saturday in my day off. Want to come along with me and see an expert at work? Gee, I'd like nothing better, but I promised the wife a weekend in the mountains. You know, there's a couple of feet of snow now, and she sort of thought it would be fun to try some skiing. Oh, that's too bad. Well, I'll tell you all about when I see you Monday. Sure wish I could be with you. So do I. Boy, I'd sure like to see that cop's face when you start quoting from his own book. Maybe Dora can take the camera and take a picture of it. Hey, yeah. Yeah. Well, I got to be going. OK, now, you're sure you got all the facts straight. What about? I mean, you're sure you can't be wrong about that section A. I checked with the Department of Motor Vehicles. That section is still a part of the law. Then you won't have any trouble. I told you, I got it made. Nothing can go wrong. You'll see. Well, honest, what a way to spend Saturday afternoon. It won't take all afternoon. We can drive out, get even with the police department, and be back here in less than an hour. Is that all afternoon? But all that time wasted, and for what? Principal Dora, principal, how many times will I have to tell you? All right, honey. I won't say anything anymore. That's a good girl. All right, here you are. Get in. Thanks. You ready? Yes, Stanley. I'm ready. Remember this day, Dora. This is going to be the day that Stanley Finston made a monkey out of the traffic detail. You are listening to Kathy and Elliot Lewis on stage. Tonight's play, The Crusade of Stanley Finston. This is Girl Scout Week, marking the 42nd birthday of a great community organization over two million strong in America. CBS Radio and its affiliated stations wish highest continued success to this worthy organization, ever alert to further community interests. The Girl Scouts are living proof that by doing for others, individuals gain personally. Congratulations, happy birthday, and many happy returns of the day, Girl Scouts. Why didn't you say this place was we're going to? The intersection of Main and Wilson Streets. What section of the code are you going to violate? Section 534A, and I'm not going to violate it. I'm going to obey it. And when the officer gives me a ticket, I got him. The ticket will be illegal. I hope you can convince the police the ticket isn't legal. I won't have to convince them. Section 534A is my little convincer. What's the matter? There it is, the crosswalk. Well, then what are you waiting for? Well, somebody's got to be walking in it before I can move. Hey, good. There's a motorcycle cop cross street, too. Everything is working out fine. Lucky, aren't we? Wait a minute, wait a minute. Now, there goes somebody across the street. What's the yelling for? I got to make sure the cop sees me, don't I? Look back, see how close he is. Well, he's still there. What? He hasn't moved. I think he was looking the other way. Oh. What do we do now? Try again, just one of those times when a guy happened not to be watching where I was driving. We'll go around the block, and this time I'll get caught. Maybe you better quit while you're ahead, Stanley. Four times you've tried to get stopped by that cop, and four times something happened to turn his head the other way. Stop already. Let's go home. Not till I get that cop to stop me so I can give him a piece of my mind. Any other time, all I'd have to do is get my bumper into the crosswalk while somebody was walking in it, and I'd have the whole force down around my neck. If it takes... Wait a minute. There goes somebody in the crosswalk. What are you doing? I got to get the cop to stop me. I got to get the cop. You got your way. Here he comes. Ah, well, Dora, here we go. I'll save him the trouble of catching up to me. How do you do, officer? How do you do? There you get down to business. May I ask why you came after me? Don't you know? I imagine it was because I went through the crosswalk while a pedestrian was in it. That's right. And what, may I ask, is the number of the vehicle code that covers that particular section? Since you ask, I'll tell you. Section 526. Very good. Now tell me, have you ever heard of Section 534A? Yes. It was in addition to cover this particular intersection during freeway construction. Then you're aware, I'm sure, that the pedestrian violated the law first. Possibly. But first, let me see your operator's license. My question came first. But mine is from a police officer. Very well, but you won't get me on that old dodge. I happen to have it with me. Here you are. Mr. Stanley Finston. Is that you? Of course. And is this your present address? It is. Did you know, Mr. Finston, that this license expired four days ago? Why? Let me see. Here you are. But... But I... But... What's the matter? What's the matter, Stanley? My license expired four days ago. Stanley. Yes, Dora? Tell the policeman you're sorry you caused all this trouble and let's go home. Officer, I'm sorry I caused you all this trouble. May I have your operator's license back, please? Here you are. Thank you. What are you doing? You're not writing a ticket, are you? You look like a man with a sense of humor. Sir, you know how it is. A guy gets a little irritated now and then with things... Dora, tell the man what I was saying about the police force of this city just the other day. No, I'll tell him. Just the other day, I was saying I said, Do you fellas really know your business? Yes, sir. This town should be proud to have... Would you ever sign here, Mr. Finston? You wrote it. After I said all those nice things. You wrote it. You're picking on me. That's what you're doing. All you guys, just because I outsmarted you with your own vehicle code, you're persecuting. That's what you're doing, persecuting me. Stanley, sign it like the man said. No, I won't sign it. You can't make me sign it. I'm afraid you'll have to sign it, sir. No, never. I won't sign that ticket and you can't make me sign it. I'll be forced to place you under arrest, Mr. Finston. For a lousy expired driver's license? Never. You wouldn't dare. Stanley, please, dear, sign the ticket. Over my dead body will I sign that ticket. I wouldn't sign that ticket now if I had to go to Alcatraz. Can you say that as he drove through the crosswalk, he yelled at you? Yes, Lieutenant. It looked to me like he was deliberately trying to get a citation. Is what the officer says true, Mr. Finston? It sure is, Lieutenant, so is the rest of the story. According to section 534A, that pedestrian was in that crosswalk illegally and that means that I had the right of way. For now we'll waive that point. It's the signature on the citation with which we're concerned. I'm not going to sign it. Stanley, please, sign it and let's go home. Dora, you know, I don't like to get pushed around. Nobody is pushing you around, dear. Just do like the man says and we'll all be happy. Whose side are you on, anyway? It's okay for me to go now, Lieutenant. Martin's covering me and I want to get back. Sure, go ahead. I'll get the rest of the report later. Okay, sir. Goodbye, Mr. Finston. Mrs. Finston. Goodbye, officer. As watch commander here, I'm supposed to do all I can to explain the situation. That has been done, I think. Now can I go? I'm afraid we'll have to book you if you don't sign the citation. I, my dear sir, am a man of principle. If I have to take this to the Supreme Court, I will not sign. But you must, Stanley, please, dear, sign the citation. Lieutenant, book me. Now the right hand. Easy. Now there we are. Now let's see. Personal effects. Description. Arms. Well, I guess that's it. Come along, Finston. Goodbye, Stanley. Where are we going? To the tank. The what? The cell. Jail. You know, the steel bar bit. Sergeant. Yeah? I'll sign. Huh? Too late. You're booked. But, but I'm not in. Let's just forget the whole thing. Give me the citation. I told you it's too late. Now it'll cost you bail. How much? $10 and you can go. You got my personal effects in that little bag. Give me my checkbook. That'll be cash money. No check? No check. Give me the bag. I'll see what I got. Here you are. $50, $60, $65. One, two, three. I got $1.68. I've got some money. It better be at least $8.32. Yeah. Here's all I have. Dora. What? I'm in trouble. Shall we go? What happens now? You live with us till Monday. Still? Get $8.32. Let's go. Goodbye, Dora. Call Marty and George and Freddie and Sam and Irving. I'd like to speak to Freddie. Can you tell me where he is? Playing poker at George's place. Do you know George's number? Oh, well, thanks anyway. Hello. May I speak to Sam, please? Playing poker at George's place. Do you happen to know George's number? Thanks, anyway. Hello. Mrs. Carlson? May I speak to Irving? This is Stanley Finston's wife calling. At George's. Poker. Do you know his number? Elmwood 46729. Thank you very much. Hello. May I speak to George? He what? Out of town for the weekend. But the poker... Oh, you don't know. Never mind. Just a friend. Maybe I'd better leave Stanley in jail. 10, 8 dollars and 20, 25, 30, 1 and 2. That's 8 dollars and 32 cents, Lieutenant. With the dollar 68 Stanley has, that makes an even 10, right? Right, Mrs. Finston. Well, Mr. Finston, you're a free man. Oh, darling, I'm so glad to see you. I'm glad to see you too, Dora. Which one of the boys came through with the money? None of them. I broke open our vacation piggy bank. Oh, here are your things, Mr. Finston. Thanks. Lieutenant, before I go, there's one thing I want to know. Oh, what is it? How about Section 534A? I'll mention it when I make out my report for tonight. Thank you. Come on, Dora, let's go home. You drive. How was the weekend? All great. The snow was real good. Say, what happened with the deal you were going to pull on the cops last Saturday? I did it all right. Yeah, how'd it come out? Well, because of me, a report went in on Section 534A of the vehicle code. Nice going, Stan. You betcha. Stanley Finston's crusade is now a matter of record.