 Well hello there, beautiful internet friends. This is way too up close and personal, now isn't it? Uh, please excuse any thunder you hear in the background, as Colorado is currently being Colorado. Happy anniversary to me! Guys, we've made it six months. Today is the six-month anniversary of losing my leg. My six-month amp-you-aversary, amp-amp-aversary, amputation-aversary. Let me know which one you like the best. Let's talk about things that are going. Yesterday, I lost my mind. I felt like I hit a wall. I didn't literally hit a wall, but I would have liked to because at least that would have been like an expression of the frustration and anger and rage that I was feeling. Not being able to walk, adjusting to all of this like new normal for six months, just like hit me all at once. And there's no way to sugarcoat that. There's no way to be like, you know, I got a little frustrated, but like it's okay. I am super not okay with it actually. Yeah, and I had myself a good little pity party. I threw a fit, you know, very healthy productive things to do and that's actually not a joke. I do think that having a pity party for yourself every once in a while can be a pretty good way to like get the negativity out and then move forward. But with that said, things have not gone the way we expected them to go over the last six months now, have they? So let's recap for anyone who has not been here since the beginning. October 11th, I had my leg chopped off below my right knee to get rid of an ankle that was dying and making me live in pain so that I could live a fuller life and just have a shot at life not existing in pain, not having every day dictated by an ankle that was in so much pain. November, I got casted for my prosthetic. For below knee amputees, the estimation is that six to eight weeks after amputation, you'll get casted for your prosthetic and start being able to put weight on it. The reason for that is they like, you need the bones and incisions to heal. So that happened for me, it got delayed a little bit because there was like an infection weird abscess thing that, you know, burst and then got taken care of. Small delay, no big deal. Then I started learning how to walk bit by bit. And then early December, I had a bad fall in a restaurant where I fell directly on my amputated leg, really messed things up. The effects of that continue to show themselves over the next couple months. I developed a bursa and then another bursa by Christmas. So like within the first two weeks of actually having my leg, I stopped being able to use it because it hurt so much. They kept trying to make modifications for it. Nothing would work. By January, I was not using it at all. By, I believe it was early February, they were like, okay, this is a bursa. It doesn't seem to be going away. Let's see what's going on. Figured that out, had another one developing on the other side of my leg because this fall really jacked things up and realized we had to have surgery and scheduled that for the end of March. So from the end of December to current date, I have been on crutches. How the timeline was supposed to go. And I feel really entitled saying this, but like the idea that I was told if things went according to plan, which we all know they don't, have my bad leg chopped off October 11th. Six to eight weeks later, I would start to learn walking and prosthetic, start working with physical therapists, had friends who were going on like five mile hikes by month five or six. At month five or six, I don't have a leg. I am sitting here with stitches in my nubbin waiting for a doctor to take them out, hoping, praying that things heal the way they're supposed to so I can actually move forward and that was a great noise, wasn't it? I felt like all of the setbacks, all of it came crashing down on me yesterday, like all of the changes, all of the new normal, all of the things that I'm not used to not having a leg, not being able to do things on my own, having to ask people for help. I just felt like I was losing my mind and like, I can't do this like, you know, to some extent to get through things, to focus on what you need to focus on, to like survive days and get to a better place. There is some denial that takes place. There is some suppression of emotions there, like you can't feel everything at once, right? Like you have to take things in phases. Your body only lets you feel things in phases most of the time and I feel like all of that denial is defrosting in me and I'm realizing the reality of I don't even know if this is really going to fix things. I don't even know if I'm actually going to get a leg in a couple weeks and I have a feeling I'll look back on this video while I'm getting a leg and be like, Joe, you're just fine. It's going to be okay. All of the question marks and all of the changes and all of the everything are just setting in and that's okay. Something I believe in very, very strongly is the power of embracing whatever you're feeling because I spent the first 20 years of my life shoving down every emotion I had. Being a people pleaser for whatever I thought other people wanted me to be and never allowing myself to actually experience what I was experiencing. I shoved everything down into boxes and I was a very unhealthy person because of that and I kind of adhered to the whole like positive thinking idea that you just have to like think better and think positive and like pray it away and stuff like that and that doesn't work and I was listening to David Goggins all of yesterday which is probably part of what led to like all of the frustration actually coming to the surface because he's incredible, incredible human and he's also like talking about all these physical things he's done and I'm like I want to do those things but I will one day when I'm healed enough I just have to heal first and a phrase that he uses is embracing the suck like when things suck just embrace it because that's reality like let's not try to sugarcoat things let's not try to paint a pretty picture on it but like yeah it sucks right now I feel like things I don't feel like everything sucks but like the frustration that I feel and the like not having a leg not being able to do like normal activities and that independence that sucks and that's okay to say so my six month update after saying goodbye to my foot six months ago rough I am feeling the roller coaster of emotions a lot right now and I'm gonna do my best to just embrace that just embrace the fact that I am kind of all over the place right now that I am like super mad and then super happy and then super sad and then really frustrated and then I just want to like throw things and then I just want to stop and I just want to feel sorry for myself and then I hate myself for feeling sorry for myself and then we circle back around and do the whole thing again and I think that's okay I think that's part of this process I think it kind of has to be there's also a weird sense of relief in being like oh I hate this sometimes but this morning I posted that on Instagram I posted that I was I had a moment yesterday where more than a moment where I was just I hit a wall I was so frustrated you know and I kind of wrote all this out posted that on Instagram and the next image that came up because if you know how Instagram works if you post something like as as it's uploading an image will come up and this is what came up in my feet I'll put this up on the screen so you can actually read it but it says even though you thought you would be farther along by now somehow by grace you were learning to live here and making the most of the ordinary even in uninvited seasons of waiting and that made me just kind of stop in my tracks I felt like it was a really well timed message from the universe or God or maybe just the Instagram algorithm feed to be grateful for all of this to be grateful for embracing the suckiness and to be grateful for the frustration and to be grateful for the waiting and to look for the richness of this season too because it's absolutely there and I would be a fool if I wasted it only being upset I'm gonna be upset but I'm not just gonna stay there it is so easy to get caught up in our perceptions get completely engulfed by them like what we see about a situation what we think about a situation how I feel that this surgery I had won't even fix my leg sometimes because nothing has ever worked before so why would it now like that kind of line of thinking is so easy to fall into but it's also easy to counteract when you notice yourself doing it and so the combination of those kind of two messages to me one right after the other were really comforting and good reminders and I am going to work on incorporating both of those things into this time because man it is a it is an interesting time and I am grateful for it the ups and the downs and the craziness and how freaking upset and frustrated I am right now I'm still really grateful for it because I know it's all worth it and I know that there's so much to learn here even if I don't really want to learn it right now if I let myself step out of all my frustration the last six months have also been amazing incredible the things that I have learned the people that I've met this community being able to talk to you guys that's a gift that blows my mind every day that I am unbelievably grateful for being able to go to Ireland traveling overseas something I've never done before and being able to do that while in crutches was so cool new and awesome friendships that I've made that were totally unexpected learning a lot about myself a lot that needs to be worked on and a lot that I really appreciate being able to spend a lot of time with Brian one-on-one alone like quiet time at home because I was laid up and couldn't go anywhere and that's something we've never really had together and it was awesome there's so many amazing things amidst all of the frustration amidst all of the suckiness that I feel and reflecting back on the last six months is also really cool to do there's a lot there I can never thank you guys enough for being here for supporting me for listening to me for watching this for all of it it means the world to me and makes a difference to me every day thank you so moving forward to month seven I am working on accepting all of it accepting all the emotions the crazy the good the bad everything in between and just letting it be allowing myself to experience what I need to experience my body is telling me I need to feel at that time and handling it in the best way that I can I'm working on being grateful for this period of waiting that I didn't expect or ask for but there's no reason to waste I'm gonna look for the growth look for the roses amidst this garden six months down guys so many more to go so many cool things to come I cannot wait for all of the cool things that I really hope are coming soon but if they aren't I will do my very best to handle that as gracefully as possible thanks for listening I love you guys thanks for listening I'm just gonna say that again I'll see you in the next video bye guys