 The Anderson family. Getting a maid to serve is ridiculous, Mary. We haven't the money. But Oliver, I just simply must do it. The girl's expected. The visiting delegate has to be shown certain honors. Why not take them all down to the corner cafe, mom? Oh, that's out of the question. That fine thing. She probably eats in a hamburger joint all week and expects a maid on her first meal out. I just won't listen to any more, Oliver. I'm about frantic as it is. Maybe Mrs. Meister would help you out, mom. You mean Martha? She'd tell the delegate what she thought of her the first five minutes. Well, then our only out is for you to stop at an employment bureau and have them send out a girl. Have her here at 3 o'clock sharp. Can you do that? You mean you're going to spend a couple of dollars extra? Well, I don't care what it costs. I must have a maid. Well, suppose I won't pay for it. Suppose I weigh down the table. Oh, look, Oliver, I want a maid out here at 3 o'clock. Where you get her or what it costs makes no difference to me. Well, I'm. Uh-oh. Here we go again, folks. Oh, let's visit the Anderson family. Well, this whole thing started when the adult auxiliary of the Gargoyle Boys Club honored Mary Anderson by allowing her to entertain the visiting delegate of the Better Children in Better Homes program. With so many mothers coming, Mary realizes she can't do everything alone. So she's asked Oliver to locate a maid to help serve and to add a bit of class to the meal. Now, if you think Oliver agrees, listen. I think it's silly, Mary. Get a couple of the mothers to help you. The other mothers are guests, not maids. Anyhow, Mrs. Bradford had a maid last time. They all expect it. OK, then let's pass a hat and pick up a little from each one of them to pay off. We're supplying the food. Well, things aren't done that way. For heaven's sake, get your sleeve out of the potato salad. Oh, well, you better save some of that potato salad. We'll be eating it for three days after this spree. Regardless, I'm not going to have the mothers talk about the poor food they got here. They don't get any better at home, do they? I know personally that the Briggs are having beans for dinner tomorrow. I just talked to Freebear and he tells me. It's no good to argue. I must have a maid. I don't care where you get her, nor how much it costs. Is that clear? Why not get Martha Meister? She'll work cheap. Martha wouldn't wait on table. Don't she wait on Homer? She doesn't get paid for it either. I just know she won't, is all. OK, we'll see. I'll go ask her. Homer? Gosh, Martha, I don't want Homer. I want you. Homer. Don't be silly. Wait, where did he get it? You heard your distance, Oliver Anderson. Oh, look, Martha, you must understand me. Hey, what's going on in here? It's Oliver. Well, what's he want? Me. Ho, ho, ho, ho, me. You must be kidding. Oh, I like that, Homer. Look, Homer, I want Martha, but just to help me out, is all. Eh, help you out. Eh, how do you mean? Well, Mary's given a big party. She needs someone to help her serve the stuff. Oh, well, that's different. And I said to Mary, I said, if there's one friend we can depend on, it's Martha. Yeah, how come you told her that? Because it's true. Who was always the first to help when someone in the neighborhood is safe? Well, Martha, you always say, is. Of course it is. And who was always first to lend a helping hand when someone's hurt? Well, of course, as long as you put it that way. And who's going to help Mary in her time of need? I don't know. You'll have to ask somebody besides me. Oh, well, then let's report you this way. Now, look, let's see. We'll have to say we pay $0.60 an hour. You want to make some money, don't you? Well, of course you do, Martha. Who's he asking? Me or you? And the work is light. Eh, how long are you going to need her? Oh, well, she'll probably be through in 45 minutes. 45 minutes? Oh, well, if you include running over there and running back here, it might take an hour. It might take an hour, eh? Yeah. Let me see. $0.60, eh? Well, I believe it comes to that amount, yeah. Yeah. Well, is that net? I don't care if it's net or not. I ain't getting undressed and getting dressed again two times for no $0.60, not me. See, well, it does seem kind of small. Okay, okay, then. I thought I could depend on you people. Well, now, Oliver, of course, if it was me. If it was you, you wouldn't do it neither. Go get a maid that's used to serving people. I don't know how. Very well. No, no, no, wait, wait, wait. Just a minute, Oliver. Martha ain't mad about it. Who ain't? Oh, well, I can always get out of the employment bureau, I suppose. Yep, yep, you could. Hey, oh, oh, wait, wait a minute, wait. I got an idea, Oliver. Well? Well, where do I go get my... Now, just a minute, Homer. You ain't waiting table no place for $0.60 an hour. Oh, shush, I'm praying, going to just... I just have to know someone who might help him. Come on, Oliver, I'll walk out the corner with you. Who do you know? I don't believe you, Nor. Homer, Meister, don't you get mixed up in any of these cheap proceedings for no $0.60 an hour. And I mean it. Come on, Oliver, I'll get you a... Now, now, wait a minute. You mean Antoinette with that phony French accent down at the cafe? Eh, eh, yeah, right, nice girl. Speedy, smart, too. Oh, she doesn't come to work until 2, and that's too late. Too late, eh? Yeah. Well, maybe you can't get nobody, so we'll just keep her in reserve. I can talk her into it. I don't want anybody talked into anything. It's just a job, just a job. Well, now, look here. You just run on downtown and see what you can do, and I'll hang around the cafe. She might show up early. Now, this the day she goes to the dentist. Oh, goes to the dentist? How do you know? Oh, there's lots of things I know. I bet. Well, I'll see you later this afternoon. I have to go on down to the employment bureau. Now, hey, now, now, wait a minute. I'll be about to drop down there with you. Oh, Homer. Yeah, I might pick up a couple of new numbers. This is a business, Trep, Homer. That's OK with me. I mean business. Pardon me, my name is Anderson, Oliver Anderson. Names mean nothing to us. Here, fill out this form and don't lie. Now, wait a minute. Let me use your phone first. Right there on the wall, 10 cents for the first 30 seconds. 10 cents for the first 30 seconds? You want to use the phone, don't you? Well, yes, but then that's all there is to it. OK, here's a dime. And here's the stopwatch. Don't cheat now. Thanks. This will have to be fast, all right. And what do you want? Me? Oh, oh, I'm just with him. I see. That's another dime extra. But I ain't going to talk on it. Well, then sit down over there out of the way so I can watch him. You ain't got any good-looking maids, have you? Yes, we have several. Why? Hello, sir. This is Oliver. Tell them all I'm at the ebb and ask your plumber if I can be back in a few minutes. Goodbye. Just made it. The watch, please. Oh, yeah. Thanks. Now, let's get down to business. Well, you have a form there. Fill it out and give it to our Miss Slippe and Nicolle at desk three. And call us every hour on the hour starting Wednesday. Now, wait a minute. I don't want to work. Don't want to work? No, no, no, no. Industry begging for men. Employer's crying for help, but you. You don't want to work. Look, you don't understand me, Mr. Pythony. I'll sit down and explain it to you. Sit down? You haven't started work yet and you want to sit? OK, then I'll stand. Listen, I want a maid. Who doesn't? Who doesn't? I mean that. Well, that's the second application for a maid in three minutes. This other gentleman asked for one first. Oh, sir. You mean Homer? Well, well, I was just sort of feeling him out when you was phoning Oliver. Well, now let's see. That's two maids. No, no, just one maid. Oh. Ah-ha, you're going to share her and try to beat us out of a commission. Wait a minute. Homer, go on home. Let's see if you can get Antoinette. I think this is going to take longer than I expected. OK, OK. I'll take care of it right away. Let me see. Oh, here's just the girl for you. Listed as Upstairs Maid. We only have a one-story house. Oh, well then she's out. Yeah, let me see. Look, just someone to serve is all. Yeah, that's what you all say. And the poor girl gets out there and finds she's expected to do dishes too. Look, I have to get to work. Find just any girl and send her out to my house. But here's my card. And have her there at three shop. I shall do my best. Uh, what about the pay? Well, what they generally get, I guess. Very well, thank you for calling, Mr. Anderson. Please let me have that form back. Thank you. Bye, three then. Good day. Where's Anderson? Is he in yet? No, sir. What are we running around here? Night school? Where is he? He's on his way down. He called in. That's thoughtful of him. I suppose he reversed the charges. When he gets in, tell him I want to see him. Talking to me about a raise. That's laughable. He's lucky if I don't fire him. I don't think he'd care much, Mr. Thompson. What? He wouldn't care? No, sir. He called me from the Abernathy Employment Bureau. Employment Bureau? Oh, he did. You mean he's got to walk out on me? After all I've done for him. Maybe he wants to get ahead faster. Oh, he does, huh? Leaving his old employer after a long association. All the things I've done for him. You want to see him when he gets in? Well, you might ask him if he has him under two if he'll just pop his head in the office. Kind of casual-like. Yes, sir, Mr. Thompson. Oh, pops Thompson and Torrance. Who? No, he isn't in yet. Mr. Anderson will call you just as soon as he arrives. Thank you. Who was it? Someone called for Mr. Anderson, some lady. Oh, the employment agency. Got him in position already. Well, I'll top any offer he gets. Tell him he must see me as soon as he arrives, Ms. Bilge. Yes, sir, Mr. Thompson. By the way, if he gets any more calls for him, relay them into me and I'll talk to them. Yes, sir, Mr. Thompson. I just can't lose Anderson. He's too valuable. Who else could I get for $30 a week? Sadie, I'm late. Does the boss know it? Oh, I had to tell him. Oh, gee, he told me about being late. Now I'm in for it. What'd he say? He wants to see you in his office right away. Oh, no. Why did he have to pick this morning to need me? Oh, but don't worry, Mr. Anderson. I called him off. You did? Mm-hmm. You what? I told him you were calling me from an employment office. You told him that? Just what I said. I don't beat around the bush. I come right out with what I have to say. You mean he thinks I'm trying to get another job? Well, wasn't you? If I lose my job over this, you'll have plenty for me, because I come right out with what I have to say. What I have to say to you will be plenty. Are you going in to see him? I don't know. Well, remember, Rome wasn't built in a day. Rome wasn't built in a day? What's that got to do with me? Oh, it's just a sand. Surely you must have heard someone say it before. Well, I know that, but it doesn't apply to me. Why, sure it does. But if you want to get technical, let's just forget it. You bet I will. And if you think the boss is going to have fun balling me out again, you're mistaken. He's waiting for you, Mr. Anderson. Oh, here's, huh? OK, let him wait. I'll just pack up my stuff and leave. Jay, you think you could get me in where I'm going? I don't think so. You see, Sadie, I'm going home. Now back to the Anderson family. Mary Anderson is to be a host to a very important delegate this afternoon and must make the right impression. So she's asked Oliver to get him made to do the serving when the dignitary arrives. Oliver stopped in at an employment agency, and it looks as though he might get one. In the meantime, he had gone to work, and the girl at the switchboard told him that she had informed the boss that Oliver had called from an employment agency. This worried Oliver so he was afraid to see the boss and left for home. And right now, he's home trying to keep the bad news of his work from Mary. Darling, you didn't have to come home and help. You should be working. Yeah, yeah, I know. But I wanted to be sure this thing went over with a bang. What did Mr. Thompson, your boss, say? Well, let's not worry about that now. Tomorrow will be soon enough. How many napkins, Mom? Oh, about 12, Junior. Fold them like I showed you, dear. They'll all end up with them under their chins anyhow. Now look, Oliver, I have enough to worry about without listening to you, too. I do so want this to be a success. This whipped cream here, how much? I don't know. I just asked the milkman to eat two quarts. Two quarts? Are they going to eat it on their mashed potatoes? Please let me alone, dear. I'm about frantic. Well, I should think you would be. What time did you say the maid would be here? I told the man to have her out here before 3. Oh, and I have so much to do, too. Junior, would you get those napkins folded? Would you go over to Meisters and borrow three chairs? Oh, gee, Mom. I just went over to Chapmans and got four. Of course you did. You're a lot of help. Now run on. Hell, Martha, Mary's awful busy and tired. Maybe she'll volunteer to help. Don't say any such thing, Junior. Don't worry, Mom. Well, it's after two, and the maid isn't here yet. Well, believe me, if she gets here late, she's going to be shorting her check. I'll handle that part of it. How about one of these olives here? I'm kind of hungry. Put that olive down. Huh? I've just fixed those orders. Now get out of the kitchen. Gee, you don't have to scream in the hall and be so upset. I don't get that way. Oh, you wouldn't. Oh, I smell the roast. Is it burning? Oh, my goodness. Burning? No. No, but it's going to be done too soon. Oh, well, I wouldn't worry. It's probably the first time any of them have had meat this week. Oliver Anderson, get out of this kitchen and stop nagging. I can't stand any more of it. Yep, so I spoke right up, Antoinette, honey. And I told this Anderson that you'd do the job better than anybody I knew. Of course he knows. I understand people, and he goes a lot on what I say. Oh, it is so kind of you to think of me, Homer. Well, I kind of got you on my mind a lot, lately. Oh, boy, you're sure pretty. But I don't think I can get off to take these servings on. Oh, why sure you can. I'll talk to Gus. He likes me, you know. But how much does he pay? Pay. Well, what's the charge as a rule? I think it's $5 an afternoon. It is, eh? Uh, what's wrong? Oh, nothing, nothing. I was just thinking. I ain't got no cheap friends. They're all like me. They just spend right out here. He wouldn't expect you to work for no $5. Well, maybe I could arrange it with. Seems like you should get 10 being a friend of mine. Ah, that would be wonderful. Simply wonderful. Well, I'll escort you personally right up to the door, and I'll escort you back again when you're through, too. But what if he won't pay me the pen? You were so kind of guaranteed. Guaranteed. Well, of course, if he was the cheap, he wouldn't pay it. You would? Uh, well, no, uh, yep, yep, I believe I would. You know, there ain't a cheap bone in my body, so get your monitor three, and I'll meet you down at the corner. Yes, Oliver Anderson speaking. Look, Anderson, I want to see you. Well, oh, well, I know, but tomorrow I'll have to do. I have something very important to tell you. I know you have, but you're not going to talk to me today. Who was it, Oliver? The boss. What now? Is it bad? I'll know tomorrow. You come here this minute, Oliver Anderson. Oh, brother, you're really upset, aren't you? He's not about your job. Yeah. Oh, bad. I'll know tomorrow. Oh, why do these things keep happening to us? Uh, uh, uh, it's the maid. Now you'll have some help. You go. Tell her everything's laid out on the bed in my room. Look at the time. Her work starts right this minute. Is this the Anderson home? It sure is, and I'm glad you're here. Is Mrs. Anderson home? Yeah, but let's get these things off now. Get in the uniform quick. There's lots of things to be done. Just a moment, my man. Look, I don't mind you resting after the mob goes home, but right now, we need your help in the kitchen. In the kitchen? Yeah, snap in. What's your name? Well, I don't like your accent. Now, wait a minute. Let's know who each other is here. I'm Mr. Anderson. Well, I had been warned about you, but I thought they were prejudiced. Oh, the guy at the bureau, huh? Well, I don't know anyone at the bureau. And if you'll give me my handbag in briefcase, I'll forget this nightmare. Now, wait a minute. You can't walk out. Let us do all this dirty work here. What dirty work? All this catching work here. My wife has been slaving over a hot stove all day to feed a lot of women who should have at least pitched in on the cost of the stuff. Oh, now I understand. If you expect to get any money out of it, you help. Very well. Where do I put this costume? Right in here now. You'll find Mary in the kitchen. Don't take an hour to change on my. Oh, oh, here you are. My goodness, I'm snowed under. I can see you are, dear. What do you want me to do? Well, let me see. We never have anyone to help, so I guess you can tell me more about this than I can tell you. Well, I'm not very experienced in this sort of thing. Maybe you could put the plates at the head of the table. Very well. Now, this group you're expecting, don't they generally help out? Oh, well, sometimes. But they all have their own work to do. It's asking a lot of them to help. The gentleman who answered the door, was that your husband? Yes, that's Mr. Anderson. He's quite upset. Well, telling me, as the phrase goes, I believe. But he's really swell about helping. He gets more nervous than I do. I can see that. We are to have Mrs. Aurelia Vandal here this afternoon. You must be very careful not to offend her. Oh, is she, well, one of those persons? I don't know. I've never met her. I wonder where Oliver went. Oliver? Oh, my husband. Oh, he left the house and was walking toward the corner. Probably trying to cool off. This is worse on him than on me. I can see that. Where are the ladies coming? Oh, well, they won't come till they're sure Mrs. Vandal Vera is here. Well, now that isn't very complimentary to you, is it? Oh, well, I don't know. I always try to do my share, especially when someone comes to town and doesn't know anyone. It's always nice to fuss a little for them. Who is this Vandal Vera woman? Oh, well, she's the head of the Better Homes and Better Children group. She's coming here to appoint a new president of the local group. You mean you feed this whole group? That is, don't any of them contribute anything? No, I didn't ask them. Even your salary comes out of the budget. My salary? Oh, oh, yes, of course. Oh, excuse me. Maybe it's one of the girls. It's about time they check us to worry about us. Well, looks as though the girls are going to be disappointed. That was Mrs. Chapman. Who is she? President of our local group. Looks to me like you could get a more cooperative officer. Oh, she's a lovely woman. But not very social. Well, it appears to me like the group needs a change. Why? I don't know why I'm talking to you about this. Shall we get things started? Well, if I were doing it, I'd just go ahead and eat with my family and forget the ladies if they haven't the manners to come on time. I wouldn't dare. I'd never hear the end of it. Nevertheless, I do it. I've done it myself. You've done it? I certainly have. And was Mr. Vandal Vera upset? Oh, I mean, Vandal Vera? You mean you're... Oh, my dear, I tried to tell your husband, but he rushed me so to get into this uniform. I didn't have time. Oh, Mrs. Vandal Vera. Oh, dear, I'm so embarrassed. Embarrassed? Oh, my goodness, you should be happy. Now, if you'll just step back away from that stove, I'll mix up a batch of biscuits that'll make your mouth water. Well, maybe I'd better call the girls. No, no, never mind. That's just the four of us have a nice, quiet meal and a few laughs. Last? That's right. Your husband, just don't tell him who I am, and you will see some fun. Oh, oh, oh, you mean make him think you're the maid? That's right. I wanted to do this for years, but never was able to lose my dignity long enough. Well, I wonder where he is. He should be back very soon. Hello? Well, Oliver, your troubles are over. Ah, so is the dinner. I got Antoinette for you, and, oh, boy, are you lucky. You should have checked with me first, Homer. I thought these would end up in one of these deals. Oh, now, now, you wait, babe. It ain't my fault. And it isn't mine. I got my own maid. And I depended so on your word, Homer. There, there, you see? That's the kind of reputation you're getting from me, Oliver Anderson. What are you talking about? And if you ain't going to use her, pay her off anyhow. She hasn't done any work yet. Well, she's willing to. She got off to help you. Well, she sees helping you, if you ask me. Well, now, now, you wait, Oliver. You fix it up yourself. Let me know how you come out. Oh, now, now, control yourself, dear. I don't care who pays me the $10. You are him. You were kind enough to guarantee it, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, but at the time, I figured he'd pay it. Oh, and you think I'd thruster you? You let me off, you thief. Oh, shut up, will you? Somebody's going to hear you. And well, it doesn't get a nice girl. I work hard for my money. OK, OK, babe, I'll bring in the 10 in the morning, like I said, there ain't a cheap bone in my body. Hat and coat, sir. Huh? Your coat, please. And the lady wishes you to change for dinner. Change? Change to what? Tales. We're expecting guests. Oh, wait a minute. I don't have tales, and Mary knows it. And, uh, please be prompt. Mary? Oh, Mary! Huh? Yelling is plebeian, Pop. Look, what's going on around here? I'll hire a maid for an hour and walk into a museum. An hour? She's planning on staying, Pop. Well, I guess she won't. Mary, what's going on here? Please be quiet, Oliver. Dinner's about ready to be served. I'm not making any changes. Then you shan't eat. Oh. Come, Mrs. Anderson, let's get started. And Mr. Anderson can join us later. Junior, come here. Say, what is this? I won't stand for it. Oh! What's going on? What is it here? It's just a joke, darling. A joke? Well, let's not carry this too far, you know. I'd like to have you meet Mrs. Vandal Vier of the Better Homes and Better Children group. Mrs. Vandal Vier? Oh, no. You know about how charmed I am, Mr. Anderson. Well, Gina, look, I'm sorry. I just did. Oh, it's quite all right. First off, I've had since the Max Senate cops. And by the way, meet the new local president of the Better Homes and Better Children group, Mrs. Oliver Anderson. Oh, no, not you, Ma. I'm very happy about the whole thing, Oliver. Gosh. Hmm, well, I'm glad somebody's happy. Oh, get the door, will you, darling? Probably home and wants $10 from me. Anderson, Anderson, my boy, let me in. Oh, no, you don't. Oh, let me in. Well, all right, just for a minute. Oh, Anderson, you just have to come back. Don't take this new job. I can top anything they offer you, so help me. I don't get it. Sadie told me. I don't care what Sadie told you, it's a lie. Tomorrow you start with a clean slate, 30% raise, and a new gold star in your time card. Oh, gee, a new gold star in my time card. Oh, I knew you would. I know the kind of stuff you're made of, Anderson, but I still like you. Quiet around here, have everybody gone? Mrs. Vandal there was so sweet. I'm so ashamed. Oh, gee, Mom, you didn't do anything corny. Oh, I suppose I embarrassed you all. I didn't say that, Oliver. Well, you inferred as much. She even helped Mom with the dishes before she left. And the part you like to hear, Oliver, she didn't charge us anything. All right, that's right. Rub it in, Rub it. I didn't quite get what the boss said to you. Oh, oh, oh, you want me back tomorrow. 30% raise, a new gold star on my time card. Oh, that's simply wonderful, Oliver. Isn't it wonderful to be so happy? You hit the nail then, Mary. Well, how about one of those big, fat roast beef sandwiches before we go to bed, huh? I don't think so, Oliver. Now, wait a minute. Don't tell me there isn't any roast beef left. Well, you see, Mrs. Vandal there had a long train ride ahead, and I made her a few sandwiches. You mean? Yes, dear. Every bit of it's gone. Boy, that cheapskate. Why can't she buy sandwiches on a train? Oh, I won't listen to such talk. Oh, hoity, hoity. Uh-oh, here we go again, folks. The Anderson family is written by Howard Swart, directed by Herb Lytton, and features Dick Lane as Oliver, Louise Arthur as Mary, Walter Tetley as Junior, and Herb Rollinson as Homer. Others in the cast were Jacqueline DeWitt, Jenny Johnson, and Paul Theodore. Music by Gordon Kibbe, sound effects by Ray Erlenborn, and your announcer is Ken Peters. The Anderson family is a Hollywood broadcaster's production transcribed from Hollywood.