 Sometimes I'd be sitting in my bed at night thinking, man, life could be a lot better if I wasn't one of the loneliest niggas on the planet. But I need some lovin', some serious lovin'. And that being said, love is scary as hell, doc. Now, I don't know what it is, like, I'm not afraid to shoot my shot at some girl, but at times I feel like my brain's trying to warn me of something. You know, I see some girl I think looks cute and the thoughts start bouncing around in my head. My nigga, what are you doing? Run! Run away as fast as you can! Like, what the hell are you trying to protect me from? What you so afraid of, doc? You know, it's like a coin flipping away. It could be something good. You know, maybe the person I decided to chase had the most extreme childhood trauma that they've grown from. Extreme childhood trauma that's turned them into a super empath. And I've been one of the most loving relationships of my life for it. Maybe the person I decided to chase, yeah, they do have some childhood trauma, but it's trauma they've just been buried in. Layers and layers of trauma that's almost inescapable. Transform them into something terrible, some manipulative monster, something I can't pick up on. You know, a vulnerable narcissist that projects all the insecurities on me and no matter how much time and compassion I put in them, they just won't budge. As much as I tell them I love them, as much as I show them I love them, they just won't love themselves. They'll just take and take and take and the whole time I think I'm doing good, the whole time I think I'm changing them, they're just draining my energy. One thing's for certain though, I don't like being lonely. I feel like that's the worst feeling. And I've always been a pretty lonely guy, but I've recently hit some new peaks. I remember there were times during the pandemic I'd mute myself and sleep in discord voice chats just to alleviate feelings of isolation. Like, yeah, Nick is pathetic. I'm pathetic, you know, I ain't hideous and nothing like that. In fact, I'm cute as fuck, Nick. I at least know that much. But I am afraid. I'm afraid of putting myself out there, you know, getting my feelings hurt. I'm afraid of abandonment. I'm afraid of showing love and not getting anything back. I'm afraid of wasting my time. I'm afraid of showing a stranger everything I hate about myself. All my shortcomings, showing them everything and it results in them thinking I'm not enough. I think it's a bit of a self-love issue, you know? I should love myself enough to face these sort of fears. I should love myself enough to trust this sort of shit's gonna make me stronger at the end of it all, but I can't do it. I can't fucking do it, bro. And maybe the same reason I refuse to do it. Maybe that's the same reason I don't deserve the love that I want, you know? Because I'm not gonna try to take care of someone that loves me when I can't even take care of myself.