 The Abaddon Castello program Listen to the great rhythms of Freddie rich in his orchestra the swingy singing of Connie Haines and That chubby little chap who only this morning put his cupid bow nips against Santa Claus's ear and whisper Hey, Castello, Castello, what are you doing here tonight all dressed up like Santa Claus? Oh, I'm putting on a Christmas party tonight. Yeah for my little brother Sebastian I got the Santa Claus suit a bag full of toys I even got a slate now how about the reindeer the what don't you have reindeer? Not in California, honey. Yeah Where are you going to have this party and you're sweet my what you're sweet you're cute, too Talks and Christmas doesn't come until next Monday. Why are you having Sebastian's party tonight? I gotta have it tonight. Have it. What do you simply got to have it tonight? Why? Sebastian won't be home Monday. He's joining the Marines the Marines. That's ridiculous. How could little Sebastian join the Marines? He's only five years old. He lied about his age Party this is gonna be tonight. What a party. What do you mean my whole family's gonna be there? We're gonna have an all electric Christmas and all electric electric just what do you mean by that? Well, let me see what they oh, yeah That all electric Christmas. What about it? Well Sebastian is getting an electric train My mother's gonna get electric washing machine and my father's getting electric razor. And what about your uncle Otis seven? He's getting the electric chair Okay, how about the tree did you buy a Christmas tree? I bought the biggest Christmas tree ever saw have it That's what I just got put it up in the living room. That's fine a tree It's six feet higher than the ceiling. Oh, it's a shame. You have to cut the top off. That's the way I felt No, I cut a hole in the ceiling pass You cut a hole in the ceiling of our living room. Yep. This will be the first year We ever had a Christmas tree about that Look what kind of a tree did you get is it a fir tree? Yeah, it's one of those great things What you say? I said it is a fir tree Is it a fir tree? Yes? Who ever heard of a tree made out of fur? I'm only asking you. It's made out of wood like any other tree. Of course This is a firt out dope. Listen, I'm a dope. Of course. It's made out of wood. You dummy I'm not talking about for f you are the four I mean has an eye in it. The fur you mean has an eye in it Yeah, just one eye Certainly, there's just one eye in furs. Oh wait that night a one-eyed fir What kind of animals do you run around animal? I'm trying to find out what kind of a Christmas tree you bought. Hey look, what kind of bark did it have What kind of bark? Yeah, didn't you did you notice the tree's bark? Oh, I have my earmuffs on I couldn't hear a thing. No, no, no bark bark the tree's outside the tree is outside Certainly, what's it doing outside? No, I thought I'd put it inside the house. Did you put it out of the house? Now you've been knocked with the tree in the house. The bark of a tree is the out of coat. Did the tree have a rough coat? Oh, but the girl that stole it to me had on a smooth sweater Will you listen to me, please? The bark is the coat on the trunk of a fir tree. Now the tree has a trunk. Hey, of course. That's probably where he keeps his coat first. Look, look That's what I want. You're silly. I know. There's nothing silly about it. If you listen, I'm going to try to explain this to you. Look, all Christmas trees belong to the pine family. Oh, no, they don't. My Christmas tree belongs to me. Let the pine family get their own. Never mind the pine family. I'm talking about the pine tree. We get pitch from pine. We get what? Didn't you ever get pitch from a pine tree? No, I never rode a pine tree, but I got pitched off a horse once. No, no. I'm talking about pitch. Pitch car. Didn't you ever hear of pine tar? No, but I heard of a tree tar. Tree tar? Yeah. Clang, clang, clang. What's a tree tar? No, no, no. I'm trying to tell you the fir tree is a species of pine. Now you can tell the different kinds of pine trees by the shape of the cones. By the shape of the cones? Yes. Now what shape are the cones? Well, you know the shape the cones are in. What, what are they? Well, my cone, he's short and fat like me and Mrs. Kona's skinny like you. No, no, no, no. Look, never mind that. I'm talking about the cones in your tree. You're talking about the cones in my tree? Yes. Why would the cones be doing in my tree? I bought it from a tree. Yeah. All right. Never mind that. You bought it. Cones got nothing to do with it. Look, Castella, for the last time, you bought a Christmas tree, didn't you? Yeah. All right. Now, well, a Christmas tree is a nevergreen tree that belongs to the pine family. Now, it's a fir tree. It has a rough coast all about. If you climb the tree, you'll find a bunch of cones And they will be surrounded by long shop needles sticking in their limbs. Now, just a minute, Robert, this time you have gone too far. Gone too far? That's what I said. What do you mean by that? I didn't mind it when you said that my tree belongs to the pine family. I thought you were only slightly crazy when you said the tree barked and wore a fur coat and that keeps the coat in the trunk. But when you asked me to climb that tree and stick long shop needles into the limbs of my friend, the cone, not only have you impugned on my good name, but you have dragged me through the mud with Meyer and Mrs. Kone. Is that going to like it? Well, Costello, let's get the house all ready for your party. Did you put the tinsel on the Christmas tree? No. I couldn't find any tinsel this year, Abbott. So I trimmed the tree with spaghetti and boy, does it look beautiful. What beautiful about trimming a tree with spaghetti? Every time I plug it in, the meatballs light up. I hope you've taken care of your party. Oh, sure. I'm going to serve ham sandwiches with mustard roll. Mustard roll is for a cold. Well, this is cold ham. Wait a minute. Come in, Mr. Costello. Yeah. You ordered some water for your fireplace. That's right. I'm here with load. Why do you want me to put it? You'd better put it to bed. Please, please, let's not waste any time. Just file the wood there in the corner. Come on, Costello. We'd better start putting the gifts around the tree. By the way, what kind of a present did you buy for Connie Haynes? Oh, Abbott. I bought her the most beautiful Corsage. That's where... No, no, no. Not Corsage. You mean... Corsage. It's good. No, no, no. You mean Corsage. AGE is pronounced arch, as in Corsage and garage. Where did you get the Corsage? Oh, from the man who comes to collect the garbage. This is going to be a fine party. I can see that. What? What in the world was that? It was me, Uncle Bud. Sebastian, what are you doing with that shotgun? It's a present for you, Uncle Bud. I was hanging it on a Christmas tree and it went off. Well, I hope you didn't break anything. Do you know that mahogany door that leads into your den? Yes. Well, it's a screen door now. Come on, Sebastian, run along. Say, I wonder where the, uh, the holly berries and the flowers are and all that I ordered. You ordered flowers? Yes, but... Well, now, wait a minute. Can you think of anything nicer than flowers on the table? Yeah, meat and potatoes. Oh, wait a minute. That's probably the flowers. Come in. Here you are in sugar and here's the flowers. I am bien du. Kids, so don't tell me you're a florist. Uh-huh, that's right. Here's the big rose. Here's to the little rose. Hiya, bud. Why did you bring this guy over for anyway? I don't want any flowers. The last time I smelled a nasturtium bomb, I got a big bump on my nose. A nasturtium bomb. A nasturtium bomb. A nasturtium bomb. That's nasturtiums. There is no bee in it. There was a bee in this one. There was a bee? That's sting. Look, pay no attention to castella, kiddo. By the way, what kind of flowers have you got? Did you bring any pansies? No, no, I'm sorry. When I went out in the garden this morning, I discovered my pansies were drooping. Oh, why don't you wear suspenders? Never mind that. What did you bring us, kiddo? Well, I brought you some of those beautiful grass flowers. Grass flowers? Yeah, petunia. And gentlemen, how's it about buying one of these beautiful holly reeds? They come directly from the Catskill Mountain. Oh, what's so wonderful about that? More castella. Have you ever seen the Catskill Mountain? No, but I've seen the Catskill Mice. Oh, I got it. That was some joke. Thank you. Hey, hey, hey. No time for Joshy. No, no, no, no, gentlemen. Pagunias, take your wasting my time and time with me is money. Oh, yeah? Well, I'd like to take a peep at your income. What about you, an income peep? Well, yeah. You know, I'm a very busy man. Do you want to buy some flowers or don't you? Make up your mind, yes or maybe? Castella, let's see what Kissle has in that box. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Tell us, Pagunias. Take, watch where you're walking, you just stepped on my puppies. On your puppies, what? The plants you just broke are puppies. Oh, what? I'll buy puppies some lunes, and I'll buy some mummies, too. I know you want to be a- Mummies some too. You want to be a- Either way, it don't mean anything. I don't care. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Come over here. You know what's wrong with you, Lou? Here I get Kitzel a great florist to come here and decorate your house with a Christmas party and you deliberately insult him. Yes, that's right. Castello, if I wasn't a bigger man than you, I would punch you right in the nose. Well, it so happens that I'm bigger than you. Oh, that's a better reason. Well, I bid you good night, gentlemen. That's a fine way to talk to Kitzel. Don't you know that he's famous all over the world for his flowers? His flowers win prizes everywhere. They do? Oh, certainly. Why next week he's going to exhibit at the Pasadena Flower Show. No. Yeah. Kitzel is going to show his road at Dengerne. To everybody? Yeah. Well, what do you know? There isn't going to be any party. Now, if you'll go to sleep like a good little boy, your brother, Louis, will tell you a nice bedtime story. Will you tell me the one about the farmer's daughter? I never heard of such a story. Get the character of my Uncle Buddy. No, no, no. Castella, you've got to get this little boy to sleep. Why don't you sing him a lullaby? Okay, go ahead. I'll sing him something. Come here, Sebastian. Sit on my knee. I'm going to sing you a beautiful song about Christmas. Now listen to me. I am a dreaming of a white Christmas. I wish I had a hard day today. Just like this. You know, Sebastian, I was a little boy like you. And I was a bad boy, too. I remember how my mother, my mother... Look, Uncle Buddy, Louis has gone to sleep. Yes, your brother Louis always gets sleepy after dinner. I wonder if we ought to pick him up and burp him. No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't disturb him. He's dreaming. Why don't you get your clothes so muddy? Oh, ma, I was trying to pull a worm out of the ground. What happened? The worm pulled first. I want your dirty face. Oh, why can't I just cover the dirt up with powder like you do? You have a boy and a nice boy. Yes, we came over to stay with Louis tonight. And Jenny Niles is still just pet. Is your father riding a bird tonight, Kenny? Oh, Kenny's father riding a bird. What ever gave you that idea? I heard his mother say he was out on a bat last night. Shame on you, Louis. Mrs. Castile, I'm no stool pigeon, remember? What happened? There's a snitcher. You shut your shut up. What happened? There's a dirty snitcher. And Louis came over. Put that off my shoulder. I will ask of you. I'll get around to you, Louis. Don't worry. Louis came over to my house and asked my mother to take off her shoes. Louis? Yeah. Why did you ask Mrs. Abbott to take off her shoes? I heard you say she was getting clothes feet, and I wanted to see them. And they never applied a niche. Oh, now you children stopped this arguing and get into bed immediately. And I don't want to hear another word out of you until morning. Oh, good night. Hey, let's not go to sleep. Let's wait up for Santa Claus. What do you say? Hey, hey, listen to those sleigh bells. You must be Santa Claus. Look, he's parking up there on the top of the roof. Hey, he drives like my old man. Look, he's getting ready to slide down the chimney. I did. I wanted to see you make a nash of yourself. See, Santa Claus, I hope you brought us some nice presents. Only the boys who aren't listed in my big black book get presents. Louis Costello, I have a report I got from your school teacher. Wait a minute. Do you have to read it now? Yes. It says here that you painted all the blackboards red. You topped off the legs of the chairs. You put a goat in the cloakroom. You filled the ink wells with glue. And you put frogs in all the lunchboxes. What do you say to that? None of us is perfect. I'll get back to you later, Louis. Now, buddy ever, what do you want for Christmas? Santa, my mother told me to ask you for a new slingshot. Well, here it is. But why does your mother want you to have a slingshot? So she can get her goddess back. You behave yourself, Louis. Yes, ma'am. What? Yes, sir. That's better. You've got to be one or the other. Now, Kenny Niles, it's your turn. Here's a beautiful present for you. Oh, goody-goody, that's just what I always wanted, a nice little tinker toy. That's a great present for you, Niles. A little tinker toy for a big tinker. All right, Kenny, you and Buddy Abbott run along to bed. I've got something to say to this little Costello boy. Oh, thank you. Thanks for the present, sir. Good night. Good night. Now, Louis Costello, let's see what else I have written in my big black book. Every naughty thing you've done is in this book. If he ever turns to page eight, I'm cooked. Aha! Page eight. He hit it right under his head. I see that a few years ago, you flirted with a little girl in school. Is that true? Uh-huh. Did you give her your class pin? What class pin? I was only two years old. I gave her the only pin I had. Let's let the whole thing drop. That's what happened. That settles it, Louis. I'm afraid there's nothing I can leave you for Christmas. Nothing? You mean just plain nothing? That's right, Louis. A great big nothing? Yes. Maybe someday when you've learned to behave yourself, I may come back again. Good night. Nothing at all. Oh. I'm a bad boy. Nobody likes me anymore. Even Sandy Cross can't even stand me. Those two snitches, Buddy Abbott and Ken Niles, they both got presents. But I got nothing. I'm going to write a note and I'm going to run away from home. That's what I'm going to do. Dear mom and dad, when you read this, I will be a thousand miles away. And don't try to find me because I'm not ever going to come back anymore. Maybe. Maybe when I'm old, about 10 or 11 years old, and then after I make a million dollars, everybody will be sorry that they were so mean to me, especially those two snitches, Abbott and that Niles. Listen, everybody, please don't forget to feed my little pet skunk twice a week. There's a clothespin hanging by his cage. P.S. Mom, don't forget to let my turtle swim in a bathtub on Saturday nights. Please do this for me. Your lovin' son, Louie Tostello. Hey, look, Sebastian, your brother Louie is still sleeping. The poor guy, he went to sleep thinking that nobody was coming to his party. Yeah, will he be surprised when he sees all the people? Tostello, wake up, wake up. Wait a minute, wait a minute. What's going on here? We're all here for your party, Lou. Honey's paying. Oh, I'm glad you came. I've been waiting all year for you to sit up. Oh boy, all year for you just to be standing close for you. Sit on my knee and I'll give you a big kiss. But Santa Claus wouldn't do a thing like that. That's the way they do it at the May Company. Boy, am I glad to see all you people. I had a terrible dream. I had a terrible dream that nobody cared about me anymore. Yeah. I was dreaming of a slight Christmas. I thought my friends had passed me by. Why, you know, Costello. That you're one fellow. By both the kids and old folks. Though you have whispers on your jokes. I'll hear about Abbot and Lou Costello with a final word. Thanks, Ken. Lou, Lou and I just want to wish everybody everywhere a very, very merry Christmas. That's right, folks. In this year, hang a war bond on your Christmas Feet so that our boys can hang a sock on Hitler's jaw. Good night and a merry Christmas, folks. Merry Christmas, everybody. Get well quick, Betty. Get well quick, Betty.