 So Therapy let's talk about this Do you feel like there's any there's a set time to start therapy like let's say like do you feel like People should go to therapy when their relationship is tough or should people just go to therapy You know, you're in a fresh relationship. Let's okay. Let's go to therapy. Let's work on You know what we can work on now before we get more into this like listen It's the message right here. Black boy. Tell me how you really feel Because I just want to build with you black girl. Tell me how you really feel. I Want to keep it real with you. I want to live better eat better. I want to love better sleep better Yeah, I want to feel so aligned There's a guy well Me and the sky we were friends We've been friends for like over 10 years and so we decided that we wanted to take things a little further We did um and at the time I was in school and stuff and He lives a completely different lifestyle to me so Different good or bad bad so Yeah, um, I just hope myself. Okay, I'm gonna give him some time to kind of get his stuff together, you know So that's what I did And so now his time has run out So now It's like he wants to everything that he wasn't doing now that he wants to do it and I've been here before with that, you know a lot of times when you want somebody to do something They don't do it But then when they see you leaving and going your own way and that's when they want to pick up the sled And or these things that he's doing for you or for himself more so for me But it's things that he should be doing for himself in my opinion. I always tell him like I don't want you doing this for me I want you doing it for you So now it's just kind of like he's doing things that I've asked him to do um And now I'm stuck because it's like now I'm gonna hold another level now like I'm trying to move forward and move on but I feel like I'm stuck because This was the person that I did if I was gonna be with somebody. That's who I wanted to be with But then you showed me that you couldn't Do the things that I asked you to do well do the things that you should do to be with me I feel like so It's just like now. I Don't know like I'll give you a simple answer. Okay, I'll give you a very simple answer the worst thing you can do is Fall in love with Who a person is? Or who you want a person to be? The only person you should be falling in love with is who that person wants to be Because anything else is unsustainable Because what tends to happen is When he does enough to get me back Is he gonna continue to do that to keep me? Especially if that's not really what he wants So part of the reason why I say a lot of times a lot of niggas don't deserve pussy a lot of niggas Don't need to be messing with women at all is because You're not moving in the direction of the caliber of man that you want to be You don't respect yourself as a man, how can you expect her to what is she gonna respect? What are you building that she's gonna help you with? So again and men bless our hearts, you know, we're gonna do enough to get you back, but ultimately If he's not doing that for himself for himself and goes back to the integrity of the principle shit like that You have two types of niggas either His apartment is nice because he likes to live in a nice apartment and he likes to wake up to that type of ambiance Or his apartment is nice because he's trying to get bitches Same thing those apartments might look the same, but like what's the reason? Because at some point if it's just something shallow is like I'm trying to get bitches That's not gonna sustain because is it that's not him It's something he's doing to you know saying it's like a car guy who like I know the horse power I'm into cars versus I got this car to get bitches You see what I'm saying so ultimately you have to assess The only thing worth respecting is if he's doing it for him exactly and that's what I've been telling him I'm like, I don't want you doing anything for me. I want you doing it for you if you have to tell him It's too late. Yeah, and that's how I feel. I mean, it's already too late for the man But I just you know, I just because like I said, we were we were friends before anything like we were friends for years and We've always crushed on each other, but we always kept it Now it's like, you know, just me being his friend is like, okay, I want you to do these things for you Like don't include me Because he's like, well, why you didn't tell me that you wanted to start this but it's like I don't want to tell you Anything that's not man. Yeah, the woman cannot in goes back to what I said off camera A woman cannot raise a man. Yeah, a woman cannot instill the discipline the disposition is necessary To go out and fight the world. You can't do that. And if a woman does that, she's not gonna do it, right? That's not y'all's ministry. And it's not saying y'all are bad or y'all are wrong or y'all are insufficient in some way That's just not your ministry Going back to and I'm not the best Christian in the world Biblical texts will tell you in Genesis Before God created Eve. He gave Adam purpose. He told Adam to tend to the garden and all the creatures in it So a man's number one priority should be his purpose before a woman a woman is there to help you with your purpose But a lot of men put women before their purpose and then they have the woman create a purpose for them It never works ever because at the end of the day, she won't respect you because you weren't standing on your own too Before me. So how you gonna leave me? You didn't even know where to go before I got here. So that's a very simple answer Once you do that internal work and once you become the woman who's gonna attract that caliber of man You can rest Femininity is supposed to be easy It's supposed to be you laying back. You just you want to make a train and he's just taking you and You can relax and you can like part of the reason and I talk about this sometimes part of reason a lot of women Don't have orgasms. It's because y'all gonna fucking stressed You can't relax Yes, and that's that's a real thing you can't how how how do you how can we let go? Yeah, we can't we can't Yeah It starts it starts with the all and what I want to see especially come out of the series is If women is women are also my we're doing the work a lot of women aren't doing the right No, they're not and I can I can just speak for myself like I can I do some work But I know that it's it's so much that I have to do a lot of the work is just to become more of the type of Man you want as opposed to become more of what he would want And then when that happens you start attracting different things to you not just men but different things to you You end up in different environments. You're eating different foods. You're talking different walking different and all of a sudden Different shit this happens Kevin Samuels What are your thoughts on him? Let's start with it Wait, who Kevin Samuels? Who is it? You don't know Kevin Samuels? No you ain't gonna die alone the So he's a he's a guy on YouTube Kevin Samuels, damn you've been living under a rock He's got like 1.5 on YouTube 1.2 on Instagram he's He's a image consultant, right? And at first he was talking about everything black men need to do to step up their game and then he transitioned What this man look like I think I might know each of my older black man with a glass Kevin Samuels, yeah, so he's talking about you know a lot of black women gonna die and all that good stuff So now that you remember who he is, what are your thoughts on him and I'm gonna ask a follow-up question What am I thoughts on him? I mean some of the stuff that he says I can't agree with it, but I just sometimes I feel like You gotta be a black woman to understand what we go through And our way of thinking and how we deal with certain things too So, you know, I mean, it's it's okay to have opinions and to say what you say You know, but you really can't Just like being a black man is hard but being a black woman is hard as well, we're raising black men. So, you know, I Just I don't really I never really watched his interviews though. I'm really I just saw him on my tiktok a couple times So I really can't say like the little clips I just see you know it they've been like Yeah, yeah, I mean he It's kind of weird because he's one of the most divisive figures in our community black men feel a certain way about him black women feel a different way about him because He was always, you know having these conversations, but he became famous. He went viral when a woman called and she She owns a dog room in business and she said I'm finding that Now that I make all this money she makes six figures. I can't respect men who make less than me and He asked her to rate herself and She rated herself like eight nine something like that. He was like your average of best You're not as good-looking as you think you are So he pretty much told her she needs to humble herself or she's gonna die alone Yeah, and a lot of women were up in arms about that because they were like, how dare he talk to her like that this this and this But unfortunately, I think what the men are saying is that We are meeting a lot of women like that who are overestimating themselves and feel like they deserve something that they don't actually Deserve that they are not actually prepared for that. They actually don't qualify for because in her case She was average looking Right, but she want a 1% dude. So why do you think that is? Why do you think a lot of our women have an overinflated sense of self? I Mean every woman wants a Superman Like that's just what we want like we want that fairy tale Yeah, I just think it just kind of boils down to that like we wanted 1% of man because Why not that's the life and I also feel like to like Like me growing up and I can remember being a little girl like me and everything men was The leader nowadays. It's just like I don't know many men. That's really leading They may think they are leader. They may think they You know Doing something but they really not And not to put down any man because any effort is effort like I bought a man That's no effort anybody that's doing it for a man woman, whatever but I Can't speak for every woman, but I can just speak for myself and I just want that 1% because I feel like that's what I deserve Let me ask you this Are you 1% am I 1% I might not be the 1% but I'm at least in the 5% I ain't into But you didn't say You didn't say you want a 5% you say Well, I'm just saying though because I generally speaking though every woman wants like the breadwinner the man They got it all like Yeah, but he that man doesn't necessarily have to be 1% Well, yeah, you don't have to be 1% he could be 50% and then that that's my issue like a lot of average people Don't think they're average and they feel like they don't deserve They deserve better than average and the problem isn't that the problem is wait what makes a person average so numbers until my financially or like for men, it's more financial for women, it's more Looks And these are rules I made up as a society We grade men based on Your ability to protect and provide we grade women based on how good you look You know I'm saying so and that's that goes back to my last point women who are good at Providing and protecting things that it bumps their number up, but it doesn't what you look like Because the idea is if a boss has do walks into this building of a business that I run He's coming to my office first Not if your secretary look better If your secretary look better and she's nicer and kinder and sweeter He gonna hurt ten times out of ten and I think women don't understand that so what it creates is Women are building the wrong muscles And expecting men to like those muscles And it's like no You don't get brownie points for having a deep voice Just like as a dude, I don't give brownie points for having hips. Yeah, you see what I'm saying so Do you feel like because again, this is something that happens throughout our community? Do you feel like a lot of black women are gonna die alone? Yeah, I do Say more I mean Why do I feel like a lot of but when we're gonna die alone well I have multiple points first point is I feel like a lot of women don't know what they deserve a lot of black women are lost I mean so I said me me sit here talking you maybe feel like don't I'm still a little lost that I was making some progress, you know these Trying to figure things out, but I just like a lot of black women are lost. They We don't they don't know what they deserve. They don't study settled for something and then what they settle for ruin zone and Which Like you say like the brain creates a repeat of pattern, you know, so You know once Something happens to you. It's hard for you to get out of it, but it's easier for you to repeat it So I feel like that falls into like I Know some women now. That's like in a forties. Oh Once I left my baby daddy, I ain't been with nobody else not just be like what? Like what? Like what? You know This is like you can't let that situation or that thing happen like something happened and you just You just done with it, you know It's progress like you gotta you gotta do your work. Everybody gotta do their work man when You got to work on the first step is figuring out what it is that you need to do and then Next step is putting all that into progress and then being consistent with that progress as well, but um Yeah, I just feel like a lot of black women will kind of Dialogue because I've seen you know people being somebody break your heart and then You still stuck on that heartbreak 20 years ago and you in your 40s and Now I would just assume in your 40s all the good man gone. I mean what's left besides the bottom of the barrel, you know So then you back in it repeated cycle like What you gonna find you're not gonna find that's in that you really can build with a girl with so you don't end up alone I mean and some people got it in they had today better off alone and that's also toxic as well so yeah And I mean that for me that's why I'm doing this series because I don't want that right I have a little girl and Even if I do all the work I need to do with her If she's still growing up in this culture of I could do battle by myself There's a chance it might affect her as well Exactly like I found myself telling all my guy friend that I really like now I'm like I feel like I'm a hard rock Like I feel like I'm in this shield, you know I want to get out of it. I'm tired So Put your armor down Put your armor down. It's that's that's hard when you used to You know, like you said, it's a it's repetitive. So I'm telling myself like when I find myself doing certain things or Seeing certain things or thinking a certain way. I have to be like I have to catch myself and be like, okay This is why you here, you know switch that change that or You know that type of thing, but yeah, like I feel like in order to want something healthy you got to Really want it and you got to really put that into perspective like I can see all day like I'm on the perfect guy I want this I want that but if I'm not doing anything To get that or to put myself in that position till I can't get that then I'm never gonna get it So that's what I'm in now like I'm I feel like 2022 is gonna be my year Get in a relationship, but then I'm like, I don't know. I'm still a little scared Ask me a question or ask me questions. I ask you a question Anything you think I could give you guidance on to position yourself better? Um Yeah, like as a woman like I just What do you feel like you could give me advice on too? so I am more of a like Like I say, I feel like I need to chill and calm down and like You know relax. I don't know how to do that when it comes to relationships you'll hear Like gurus and things they'll tell you that You write down on the list all the problems that you have Star the ones that you can control And X out the ones you can't Because if you keep the ones that you can't control on your list, you'll just end up ruminating just an endless cycle of rumination About the inevitable like you can't change that so like why worry about it, right? because I think that is part of the masculine energy You know that that concern that worry and everything And female energy can really only operate and thrive in peace within tranquility because you have to think to yourself like Why would that type of dude want to be around me? If especially if I don't believe him Yeah Because I'm more comfortable thinking oh, he might then it might be gay or he might be he might be He might be playing me or he might be the tender swindler. Whatever the case may be when the reality is If he was already those things The damage is done. Yeah So why worry about it? You're just making it worse, especially if he's not yeah Because what we find a lot of times a lot of our women because of trauma and this is where therapy comes in Your living life just holding your breath Like you feel like if I hold my breath this punch won't hurt as much. Yes, it will It's still gonna hurt right But if you're flexible if you're if you're If you've had if you have peace within yourself, you know how to replicate that So instead of worrying about all the bad things that may or may not happen in life You can then worry about the good things And strengthen your strengths and diminish your weaknesses as opposed to just being in this constant state of Who's out to get me? Who's trying to hurt me? Who's gonna do this to me? Who's gonna do that to me? Because guess what you'll only attract that energy to you Okay, next question Because I feel like I have mastered detachment. So I'm like The type of girl we're Independent. Yeah, we ain't even you know, as long as I can hear from you at least once a day But we ain't got to take some talk all day long And I mean, I'm okay with being able to give my guy space because I feel like we're wrong. We're adults Like everybody's busy life. I don't want to feel like I need to talk to you every second of the day, but Like I said to me it's kind of like now it's like It didn't got to the point where it's like I don't hear from you then it's like I don't care Like so I'm trying to get I still want to have my master my I still want to master my detachment, but I also want to figure out how can I get Reattached because I want to be reattached to the right person when that time comes But it's like if I if I'm constantly feeling like well, he didn't call me all day. So whatever How am I supposed to? I think the first part is good because I think If it's rooted if it's based in the fact that you know that he's doing something reasonable Right, you know what I'm saying that you respect his time. You respect his integrity. You respect his freedom Right because at the end of the day A man is going to do what he wants to do whether you like it or not, right? Whether he talked whether he takes him you into on the old way He's gonna so ruminating over it is a waste of time With that being said the tough part about it is The best feeling for a man is feeling necessary Yeah, it's feeling useful. Like one of the trends I see on tiktok Is uh, it'll be like a dude. It'll be like my girlfriend is mad at me So he'll go around the house and he'll tighten all the lids. He'll put shit on a higher shelf You know I'm saying just so she'll have to need him. Yes, right? So especially in our community, I think what's fucked up is we've told men black men that you're not necessary so It's a it's a tight road because Don't be clingy Right and over dependent because I have been there That's okay. That is very bad because then that man can't continue being a great man that you fell in love with He's got his work to do. He's got to go into monk mode from time to time and you got to respect that You know, you think savannah james is calling lebron during the all-star game. No, she knows he's doing He's following his page tending to his garden, right? And that goes back to the type of caliber of man that you're messing with But at the same time when lebron james comes home Savannah better recognize that this is lebron james You understand what i'm saying? I need this man. This is the father to my children This is the man who's providing this life for me. This is the man who is willing to die behind me This is the man who whatever I need is taken care of and act accordingly So it's not an anxious attachment It's admiration And what i've been saying to women is If you don't admire a man, you should not be able to have access to your vagina Okay That's that's the more like fuck the vibes. Fuck the the butterflies. Fuck the all that shit Do you admire this man? Exactly Do you know what type of principle that he has because ultimately like you'll hear women for instance they talk about Oh, I didn't know you know We had a kid and he just dipped and shit like that and it's like From where i'm sitting. There's two types of men. It's the man who Because of just his principle As a man the shit he stand on it doesn't matter if you're jezzabel. He will be there for his child Right Are you procreating with that nigga or is it the nigga who always should get hard? I'm out of here And there are ways that you can see that Yeah, you know what i'm saying because if you're relying on he's going to do this this and this for me. That's not sustainable But if if you're relying on he's going to do this this and this for him And his sanity and his peace of mind Regardless of what the world is he he's standing on something principle Then you could sleep good at night And I think a lot of women they run that type of dude off because they know they're not ready for that They know they don't really deserve that for if they're being completely honest with themselves And it's not until they do the work And it's not until they improve their resume That they can really sit in that And not question it What else you got for me This is the work man. We I got all the time in the world for you Yeah So Therapy let's talk about this. Yeah Do you feel like there's any there's a set time to start therapy? Like let's say like do you feel like People should go to therapy when their relationship is tough or should people just go to therapy? You know, you're in a fresh relationship. Let's okay. Let's go to therapy. Let's work on You know what we can work on now before we get more into this like How do you feel about that? Like do you feel like people should go to therapy when she gets hard or just let's just because like I'm like When I when I get to know a person I want to know like I want to know about your childhood I want to know why you do certain things what you do or you know And I feel like that's good because if we're planning on being together Like childhood trauma is so real Relationship trauma any type of trauma is like very real so You know, I feel like maybe How what's your input on it like should people start therapy straight off in the relationship Or should they wait until they throw in pots and pans at each other? I think the most important part of therapy Is the mindset. Yeah The mindset of saying that I have work to do Yes So it's not even about going to therapy per se yet But it's about saying that I'm not perfect And I'm not the victim I'm fucked up too and there are certain patterns that In which I think certain patterns of the things I do certain patterns of the people I surround myself with that are based in childhood And until I'm willing to unpack that Um I'll keep repeating it Not I might keep repeating it I will keep repeating it because a lot of times in our community We think There's just a manner that's going to fall from heaven and should have just magically going to change when I turn 25 She's going to change when I turn 30. She's going to change and it doesn't So What you go to therapy for Is for this professional to give you the tools on how to unpack those bags And lay it out on the floor And figure out, okay, I need to get at a goodwill I need to put that in the closet I need to repurpose that refurbish that I could turn that jacket into a bag You know what I'm saying? I need to just go ahead and throw that away. You know what I'm saying? Because it's a skill And they went to school for it and they know how to especially if it's somebody um Who is keenly in tune with the black experience And and because a lot of our trauma is generational It's not even some shit that you went through it's some shit your grandma's grandma went through And it was passed through. You know what I'm saying? Okay, and we need to acknowledge that Yeah, so it's it's about the willingness and then it's about going to get the tools because ultimately You have to be in the business of Self-efficacy self-improvement self-actualization For your entire life because life will continue to throw different curveballs at you You know what I'm saying like Have you got your fundamentals down good enough to be able to adapt? Or is it the next fight you might fuck around a stab to do? Because something triggered from a bad you didn't unpack You know what I'm saying? And then you're as all of a sudden like you hear people um Who like you know, they they they're in prison for crimes of passion. For instance, you'll be like I blacked out That's because it was a bad you didn't pack and that shit will come up. It will it's not if if it will come up So it's about a mindset And then you go seek the professional help and the professional training And then you commit to doing that for the rest of your life and being honest with yourself. That's really honest about being honest with yourself I'll fuck that right now I need to do this right now. I need to work on this right now. I need to catch this when it happens right now Yeah, I think that's that's the hardest part of all though because people a lot of people think that they don't need to work on anything I don't even think about people realize Like you said generational curses are real a lot of stuff is just continuous continuous continuous Like what I've been telling black women recently is This whole niggaz ain't shit movement. It's a lot deeper than just your boyfriend who cheated on you It stems back to the 13th amendment it stems back to after Slaves were released But white people in the south still needed people to work for free We realized okay, we can't make them slaves, but if we imprison them We can still make them work. So they created vagrancy laws. They created Jim Crow Ways that they could recreate slavery in a legal context And then after that they put it into the imagination of americans including black people With things like there's a movie called birth of a nation by dw griffin And it established this idea that black men in particular are criminals Black men in particular ain't shit And white people drank the kool-aid we drank the kool-aid too And then you have movies like color purple That created this idea that mister was just bad for the sake of bad So even if you've never experienced a mister Even if all you can go off of is part of the story that grandma told you because nobody asked grandpa His side And then you see the tyler perry movies all the dark skin niggas ain't shit Now regardless of if anything's ever happened to you niggas ain't shit. That is my baseline And then i'm surprised when I attract that type of dude and it plays out like that There's something called confirmation bias If we already think a certain way We will manifest that and then we'll because the brain wants to prove itself right Right And in our imagination, especially as black people right is niggas ain't shit Yeah, and I still stop me saying it all the time like he said the tongue like manifestations I believe the tongue is a powerful thing. So if I'm just I always I'm trying to watch what I say, but if I'm you right if I'm going around saying this nigga ain't She he ain't she guess what he gonna show me that he ain't shit because I'm already speaking it Here's what's the most powerful What do you think that's gonna do to your son? Yeah The best I could do is ain't gay is gonna be ain't shit. So I might as well shit lean right into that. Yeah And that's what's happening. Mm-hmm. I like this interview Let me say you don't have any more questions Oh, okay. I do have another question. All right. It's just kind of personal. So