 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television, presents transcribe the Phil Harris Alice Faye show. For your enjoyment, here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye show, written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet, with Elliott Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Janine Roos and Whitfield, Walter Sharpeness music, and yours truly Bill Forman. Today, Phil and Elliott make plans for a very special event. They're quite excited about it, but they forget to reckon with Alice. More about that later, but first a word from RCA Victor. You and your family will enjoy evening after evening of fun and excitement when you own RCA Victor television, because this season you'll see the greatest lineup of stars and shows in television history, and you'll see clearer pictures of everything on TV, thanks to RCA Victor's exclusive magic monitor. The magic monitor circuit system acts like an engineer inside your set. It screens out static automatically, steps up power automatically, and automatically ties the best sound to the clearest picture. The magic monitor is built into every RCA Victor set, into the new Brandon, for example. Here's big 21 inch console television, and every feature, every detail from the full length doors of its rich colonial style cabinet to its world famous golden throat tone system reflects the quality that has made RCA Victor the world's most owned television. Yes, every year more people buy RCA Victor than any other television, so see the entire line of wonderful RCA Victor television at your dealer's tomorrow. Prices start as low as $199.95. And when you buy your RCA Victor television set, remember to buy an RCA Victor factory service contract for expert installation and service. And now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Faye and Phil Harris. Yesterday was the day of the big football game between USC and UCLA at the Los Angeles Coliseum, and Phil was one of the lucky ones who managed to get tickets for it. And now let's go back to yesterday. Phil has just gotten the tickets and he's called Elliot over to the house to tell him about it. Hey Elliot, have I got good news for you? I got two tickets to the USC-UCLA game. Currently that's sensational. How did you ever manage to get two tickets for that game? They're at a premium. Oh it wasn't difficult for an old grad. UCLA always sends tickets to us members of the aluminum. You must have been an honor student. Do you have any degrees? Ostensibly. I've got a lot of degrees and so have many of my friends. Some of them are BA's, some of them are MA's, and most of them are AA's. Yes, I have a few of those too. Hey Curly, we better leave for the game soon. There'll be a lot of traffic. I tell you we got time. First I want to tell Alice we're going. Don't tell her. You've only got two tickets and she might want to go in my play. Nah, nah, she hates football. She don't know nothing about it and she's not the least bit interested. In fact, she wanted me to take her shopping today. Well how are you going to get out of that? What excuse are you going to give? I have to give no excuse. When I want to go someplace I just tell my wife I'm gone. That's all. I don't beat around no bush. Will you be able to take me downtown soon? No, you'll have to get somebody else to do it. Why can't you take me? Because I've got to go to the hospital and see my grandmother. And your grandmother's sick? What hospital is she in? The Coliseum Memorial. Where is that hospital? Where is it? Right on the 50-yard line. You two talk. Now hold it boys, I just got a message. Phil, where do you want to go this afternoon? Well honey, I want to go to the football game. Football? Isn't that the horrible game where all those men get on the field and knock each other over and trample on one another and kick each other all over the place? No, that's the Ritz Brothers television show. I'm talking about football. I think it's a revolting exhibition and I can't stand it. Well neither can I, but well I've got to go. I happen to have two tickets. Good, I'll get my hat and go with it. I knew it, I knew it! That blonde will do it every time. Alice, Curly was supposed to take me with that other ticket and you have no right horning in. He'd rather take me. I'll ask him and prove it. Never mind, never mind. I'll ask him. Phil, who would you rather take to the game? Elliot, your poor guitar player, or me, your Ritz wife. That's a nice loaded question. Don't let her bluff you, Curly. Answer it and tell her the truth. Yes. Who would you rather go with? Well, uh, I'd rather go with you, dear. I knew you would, sweetheart. So long, Alice. Too bad you lost. Oh, Curly, we'll have a wonderful- I'll come back here. Phil meant he'd rather go with me, and that's who he's going with. You're just a selfish old lady. Look, honey, you wouldn't enjoy the game. There's gonna be a big crowd of 100,000 people. Oh, dear. All those people are going to see me? Well, I'd better go to Saxon and buy a new gown. You don't need no new gown. Where's something you've got? Oh, but what have I got that's appropriate for a football game? How about your strapless pig skin? The one that laces up the front. All right, all right, fellas, you needn't be sarcastic. You can't talk me out of going to the game. And, Phil, you'd better let me hold those tickets. But, honey, I- Thank you very much. I'll get dressed now. I won't be long. I hate her. Now, look, Ellen, I hate you, too. I hate your children, and if I ever see a mother, I'll set fire to her teepee. Look, you can hate me, but don't you dare touch a flap on Mama's teepee. But, Curly, I had my heart set on going to the game. The biggest game of the year, and I can't go. Everybody's going, but I won't mess with you. All right, Ellen, wait, but don't cry. Elliot, now, please, please, well, don't cry. I'll tell you what, if you stop crying, I'll sing you a song. I'm going to sing it anyway. Now dry your tears. And the cow jumped over the moon. Now how in the devil can a cat and a fiddle? And the cow jumped over the moon. But just like a kid, we start to croon. But the goose is its favorite tune. The cow and the fiddle with the cat in. The fiddle has its high fiddle, fiddle and tune. There's a little kid, a curly-headed kid. Sings his sweet refrain. Born at night and noon, the little shaver's tune. Runs right through my brain. Oh gee, but it's the cutest thing. When the little shavers sing. Ooh, hi, little, little, and the cat and the fiddle. And the cow starts singing a song. And how in the devil can a cat and a fiddle. And the cow keeps singing all wrong. Then the little bluebird shopped with glee. Cause all they like is harmony. The cow plays a fiddle and the cat tells a riddle. And they hide it a little for me. Hide it a little and the cat and the fiddle. And the cow jumped over the moon. When your clouds are gray and the sun don't shine. Just try and sing this little rhyme. Hide it a little and the cat and the fiddle. And the cow jumped over the moon. Hide it a little and the cat and the fiddle. And the cow jumped over the moon. You're not mad at Alice anymore? Of course not. I don't carry a grudge. As a matter of fact, to show there were no hard feelings while you were singing, I made us all a martini. Oh, Elliot, you're a good loser. Hand me my drink. Well, just a minute while I put the finishing touches to him. Here we are. Olive in yours. Onion in mine. And a knockout drop in Alice. Elliot. Curly, I just got to go to that game. Well, then maybe if you're nice to Alice, she might give you her ticket. You mean flatter her? Certainly. Women go for flattery. Just tell her how beautiful her clothes are and what they do for a figure and rave about the color of her hair. She's a sucker for that. Yeah, yeah. I guess if I get her softened up enough, she'll... Well, Phil, I'm all ready to go. I had to. Alice. What's the matter with you? Oh, Alice, you have such exquisite taste and clothes. Oh, you think so? Oh, yes. That dress you're wearing. Why, it even makes a figure like yours look good. And your hair. It's such a lovely color. Only an artist like you could mix a dye that shape. Elliot, come here a minute. Yes, sir? What are you trying to do? I thought you were going to be nice to her so you can get the ticket. I am, but I'm also being nasty to her in case I don't get it. I'm not one to throw compliments away for nothing. Well, you're not being very nice to my little woman and just for that, I'm glad that you're not going to the game. Come on, honey, or we don't want to miss that kickoff. Hand me my chrysanthemum, my pennant, and my freshman cap. Early, I ain't going to let you go without me. You're not getting out of this house. Let go of my raccoon coat. You're stretching the tail. Come on, Alice, we're off to the game. Come on, Alice, we better hurry. We better get inside before the kickoff. I can't walk any faster through this crowd. I've never seen so many people pushing and jostling and... Say, Phil, you'd better watch your wallet in a crowd like this. There's libel to be pickpockets. Don't worry, I'm watching it. Nobody... Hey, Alice, you're right. Somebody's got his hand in my hip pocket. Oh, I'll just reach around fast and grab it. All right, but I got you. What are you doing in my pocket? Just browsing. I thought maybe... Oh, Curly. How can you stoop so low as to pick a pocket? I was just after my own ticket. How'd you get to the stadium so fast? You know that front tire you were complaining with so wildly all the way down? What about it? That was me. Well, you know, how'd you get down there? I hid in your trunk rack. You ain't going to shake me. Look, Elliott, we only got two tickets, and Alice and me are going. I told you that. How can you desert me like this? I'm sorry, Elliott. Alice, you've got the tickets. Where are they? Oh, yes, the tickets. I've got them right here in my... Well, I... I put them right here and... Oh, no. I left them home. You forgot the tickets? Oh, what a pity. Now you know what it's like not to be able to go the game. We're still going. I'll buy tickets for the three of us. It's my treat. Alice, give me some money. I told you I left my purse home. Elliott, have you got any... No, he ain't going to do us no good. All right, don't be sarcastic. I got 50 cents. And I've got about a dollar in change. Let me see. The tickets are $5 apiece, so we need $5 apiece. So we need $15 and all we've got is a dollar and a... No, it ain't going to work. Why not? You're not very good at arithmetic. What are you talking about? How can you make $15 out of $1.50? You moved the decimal point over one place. Yeah, that would give us $15. Better yet, if we moved the decimal point over two places, that'd give us $150. We should get away from here. Bill, I'm sorry about this, but as long as I forgot the tickets and we don't have any money, let's go home. No. There must be some way we can get in. Maybe we could climb over one of them fences and then come back... Hey, wait a minute. Hey, Elliott. Do you notice the young kids they've got at the gates taking tickets? So? Well, we should be able to outsmart a teenager and bluff our way through. Yeah, and I know how to do it. We'll put our union cards in our hats, rush through the gate, and yell, Press! Yeah. Yeah. Hey, that'll do it. Alice, you wait here, and once we get in, we'll arrange to get you in too. Come on, Elliott. Now, look, we'll just act as though we belong and nobody ain't gonna stop us. Ready? Here we go. All right, son, let us through. I'm Scoop Harris, the chronic. And I'm his photographer, Flash Lewis. Open the gate and... Better yet, Cheslin Franks! Why are you two trying to sneak in? It's too cheap to buy tickets. We had tickets, buddy, but we left them home. Hey, Julius, you're a pal of ours, aren't you? You might say that. I wouldn't, but you might. Look, son, we may have our little differences, but deep down, I know you really love Mr. Lewis and me, don't you? Yes, and that's my problem. Oh, loving the body is the way I do. I find it hard to choose between you. And when I walk to the altar, I want to be sure that I have... All right! We don't want to marry you. We just want to get in the stadium. Can't let you in without tickets. Julius, if you wanted to, you could let us sneak in. Couldn't you? Yeah, I could turn my back and close my eyes, so you two could glide past me. That's a good idea. Yeah, and it should work, except for one thing. What's that? I ain't gonna do it! Julius, why do you have to be such an ornery little sly? It's not gonna hurt you to let us sneak by. Fellas, I'd like to do it, but there's too many people watching now. I tell you what, why don't you come back a little later? When? As soon as it gets dark out. Say about nine o'clock. Julius, one of these days... One of these days... POW! Now, forget him, Jackie, uh, Curly. We gotta think of some other way to get into the game. Let's get back to Alice. Oh, Elliot, hmm? That lad is beginning to annoy me. I gotta take him hunting sometimes. If I paint a target on his back and... Well, fellas, how'd you make out? We didn't. Then let's go home. Get your hot dogs here, hot dogs. Honey, we came here to see this game, and we're gonna see it. How? We need $15 for tickets and all we have is a dollar and a half. There must be some way we can raise the money. Any hot dogs, folks? Only a few left. Get them while they last. No, thanks. We don't want... Wait a minute. How many hot dogs you got there, bud? Five. I'll take them all. Here's a buck and a half. Thanks. Curly, our problem is solved. These five hot dogs are gonna get us into the game. That makes sense. How does it make sense? With him, you don't ask questions. You see, this is an investment. We need $15. All we have to do is sell these hot dogs for $3 a piece. Oh, that shouldn't be hard. A man's a fool not to be paying $3 for a hot dog. Elliott, nobody's gonna pay $3 for a hot dog. They will if they can't get him anyplace else. The man just said these are the last ones. It's a simple case of the law of supply and demand. Yeah, I guess if people want... Well, it's worth a try anyway. Now all we have to do is find some way to collect the crowd. The crowd? That's a cinch. Alice, sing. Arm in arm over metal and farm Walk in my baby back home We go along harmonizing a song Or I'm reciting a poem I'll go by and they give me the I Walk in my baby back home We stop for a while She gives me a smile And snuggles her head to my chest We start in the pep That's when he gets My powder all over is best After I kind of straighten his tie I have to borrow his comb One kiss then I continue again Walking my baby back home She, it's great after being outlanded Walking my baby back home Arm in arm over metal and farm Walking my baby back home We go along harmonizing a song Or I'm reciting a poem I'll go by and they give me the I Walk in my baby back home She's afraid of the dark So we have to park outside of her house for a rest We start in the pep That's when he gets My powder all over is best Hand in hand to a barbecue stand Right from the doorway we roam Eat sand and it's a pleasure again Walking my baby back home Alice drew a pretty good crowd We shouldn't have any trouble selling the hot dogs now Here comes a likely looking schnook Watch me go to work on him I know you don't, I'll handle this Hey mister Yes How about buying a hot dog? Well yes, I like one How much? Three dollars Are you crazy? No hot dogs worth three dollars How do you know? You might find a pearl in it You only find pearls in oysters Do you ever find a pearl in an oyster? Well no Then try a hot dog, maybe you're lucky I think you're crazy Just keep your hot dogs Wait a minute mister I'll show you boys how to sell a hot dog Can I talk to you a minute? Tall, dark and handsome Who? Me? Yes, you You fascinating little bundle of masculinity Well He's dead No man can resist that routine of hers How do you know? That's how she got me Only in those days she was selling hot bagels I went for a bundle Now look here mister I can see you're a sport And if I asked you for fifteen dollars for these hot dogs You wouldn't be able to refuse me Would you? I don't know But I'm gonna tell you He's fighting her girl I did too but it don't do no good Wait till she throws him her sidearm curve with the Marilyn Monroe flow Now look sweetie pie I know you'd love a hot dog with mustard Relish And onion Wouldn't you? Not especially Oh you're just an old meanie I'm only trying to raise enough money to see the game Oh then why didn't you say so Of course I'll take a hot dog Here's five dollars so you can buy yourself a ticket Well thank you So long boys I'm going in and see the game Wait a minute wait a minute what are we gonna do? Tell the other hot dogs But Alice you can't go in without us Let her go let her go As long as she turns that motor off before she gets there She can sell hot dogs so can we Let's go Alright ladies Step right up And get your hot dog With mustard, relish And onion How are we doing Curly? You sound a little bit like Gene Autry Not so good but let's keep trying Hot dog Hot dog Listen Phil we'll be back in just a moment A listening test on your radio could save you money So take a listen now Do you hear any hum in the background? Is the sound tinny or muffled? Does the volume go up and down every now and then? 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