 Chapter 1 of The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle, Volume 1. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Martin Giesen. The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle, Volume 1. By Tobias Smollett, Chapter 1. An account of Mr. Gamaliel Pickle. The disposition of his sister described. He yields to her solicitations and returns to the country. In a certain county of England, bounded on one side by the sea, and at the distance of 100 miles from the metropolis, lived Gamaliel Pickle, a squire, the father of that hero whose fortunes we propose to record. He was the son of a merchant in London, who, like Rome, from small beginnings, had raised himself to the highest honours of the city and acquired a plentiful fortune. Though, to his infinite regret, he died before it amounted to a plum, conjuring his son, as he respected the last injunction of a parent, to imitate his industry and adhere to his maxims until he should have made up the deficiency, some considerably less than 15,000 pounds. This pathetic remonstrance had the desired effect upon his representative, who spared no pains to fulfil the request of the deceased, but exerted all the capacity with which nature had endowed him in a series of efforts which, however, did not succeed. For by the time he had been 15 years in trade, he found himself 5,000 pounds worth than he was when he first took possession of his father's effects. A circumstance that affected him so nearly as to detach his inclinations from business and induce him to retire from the world to some place where he might at leisure deplore his misfortunes and, by frugality, secure himself from want and the apprehensions of a jail with which his imagination was incessantly haunted. He was often heard to express his fears coming upon the parish and to bless God that on account of his having been so long a housekeeper he was entitled to that provision. In short, his talents were not naturally active and there was a sort of inconsistency in his character. For with all the desire of amassing which any citizen could possibly entertain, he was encumbered by a certain indolence and sluggishness that prevailed over every interested consideration and even hindered him from profiting by that singleness of apprehension and moderation of appetites which have so frequently conduced to the acquisition of immense fortunes, qualities which he possessed in a very remarkable degree. Nature, in all probability, had mixed little or nothing inflammable in his composition or whatever seeds of excess she might have sown within him were effectually stifled and destroyed by the austerity of his education. The sallies of his youth, far from being inordinate or criminal, never exceeded the bounds of that decent jollity which an extraordinary part on extraordinary occasions may be supposed to have produced in a club of sedate bookkeepers whose imaginations were neither very warm nor luxuriant. Little subject to refined sensations he was scarce ever disturbed with violent emotions of any kind. The passion of love never interrupted his tranquility and if, as Mr Creech says after Horace, not to admire is all the art I know to make men happy and to keep them so, Mr Pickle was undoubtedly possessed of that invaluable secret. At least he was never known to betray the faintest symptom of transport except one evening at the club where he observed with some demonstrations of vivacity that he had dined upon a most delicate loin of veal. Notwithstanding this appearance of phlegm he could not help feeling his disappointments in trade and upon the failure of a certain underwriter by which he lost 500 pounds declared his design of relinquishing business and retiring to the country. In this resolution he was comforted and encouraged by his only sister, Mr Scrizzle, who had managed his family since the death of his father and was now in the 30th year of her maidenhood with a fortune of 5,000 pounds and a large stock of economy and devotion. These qualifications one would think might have been the means of abridging the term of her celibacy as she never expressed any aversion to wedlock but it seems she was too delicate in her choice to find a mate to her inclination in the city for I cannot suppose that she remained so long unsolicited though the charms of her person were not altogether enchanting nor her manner over and above agreeable. Exclusive of a very one, not to call it, sallow complexion which perhaps was the effects of her virginity and mortification she had a cast in her eyes that was not at all engaging and such an extent of mouth as no art or affectation could contract into any proportionable dimension and her piety was rather peevish than resigned and did not in the least diminish a certain stateliness in her demeanour and conversation that delighted in communicating the importance and honour of her family which by the by was not to be traced two generations back by all the power of heraldry or tradition she seems to have renounced all the ideas she had acquired before her father served the office of sheriff and the eye which regulated the dates of all her observation was the mayoralty of her papa nay so solicitous was this good lady for the support and propagation of the family name that suppressing every selfish motive she actually prevailed upon her brother to combat with his own disposition and even surmounted so far as to declare a passion for the person whom he afterwards wedded as we shall see in the sequel indeed she was the spur that instigated him in all his extraordinary undertakings and I question whether he would or not have been able to disengage himself from that course of life in which he had so long mechanically moved unless he had been roused and actuated by her incessant exhortations London she observed was a receptacle of iniquity where an honest unsuspecting man was every day in danger of falling a sacrifice to craft where innocence was exposed to continual temptations and virtue eternally persecuted by malice and slander where everything was ruled by caprice and corruption and merit utterly discouraged and despised this last imputation she pronounced with such emphasis and chagrin has plainly denoted how far she considered herself as an example of what she advanced and really the charge was justified by the constructions that were put upon her retreat by her female friends who far from imputing it to the laudable motives that induced her insinuated in sarcastic commendations that she had good reason to be dissatisfied with the place where she had been so overlooked and that it was certainly her wisest course to make her last effort in the country where in all probability her talents would be less eclipsed and her fortune more attractive be this as it will her admonitions though they were powerful enough to convince would have been insufficient to overcome the langa and with sinertiae of her brother had she not reinforced her arguments by calling in question the credit of two or three merchants with whom he was embarked in trade alarmed at these hints of intelligence he exerted himself effectively he withdrew his money from trade and laying it out in bank stock and India bonds removed to a house in the country which his father had built near the seaside for the convenience of carrying on a certain branch of traffic which she had been deeply concerned here then Mr Pickle fixed his habitation for life in the sixth and thirtieth year of his age and though the pangs he felt at parting with his intimate companions and quitting all his former connections were not quite so keen as to produce any dangerous disorder in his constitution he did not fail to be extremely disconcerted at his first entrance into a scene of life to which he was totally a stranger not but that he met with abundance of people in the country though in consideration of his fortune courted his acquaintance and breathed nothing but friendship and hospitality yet even the trouble of receiving and returning these civilities was an intolerable fatigue to a man of his habits and disposition he therefore left the care of the ceremonial to his sister who indulged herself in all the pride of formality while he himself having made a discovery of a public house in the neighborhood went there every evening and enjoyed his pipe and can being very well satisfied with the behaviour of the landlord whose communicative temper was a great comfort to his own taciturnity for he shunned all superfluity of speech as much as he avoided any other unnecessary expense end of chapter one recording by Martin Giesen of Hazelmeer Surrey chapter two of the Adventures of Peregrine Pickle volume one this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Martin Giesen the Adventures of Peregrine Pickle volume one by Tobias Smollett chapter two he is made acquainted with the characters of Commodore Trunnion and his adherents meets with them by accident and contracts an intimacy with that commander this loquacious publican soon gave him sketches of all the characters in the county and among others described that of his next neighbour Commodore Trunnion which was altogether singular and odd the Commodore and your worship said he well in a short time behind and glove he has a power of money and spends it like a prince that is in his own way but to be sure he is a little humorsome as the saying is and swears woundily though I'll be sworn he means no more harm than a sucking babe Lord help us it will do your honest heart good to hear him tell a story as how he lay alongside of the French yard arm and yard arm board and board and of heaving grapplings and stink pots and grapes and round and double headed partridges crows and carters Lord have mercy upon us he has been a great warrior in his time and lost an eye and a heal in the service then he does not live like any other Christian land man but keeps garrison in his house as if he were in the midst of his enemies and makes his servants turn out in the night watch and watch as he calls it all the year round his habitation is defended by a ditch over which he has laid a drawbridge and planted his courtyard with patter arrows continually loaded with shot under the direction of one Mr. Hatchway who had one of his legs shot away while he acted as lieutenant on board the Commodore ship and now being on half pay lives with him as his companion the lieutenant is a very brave man a great joker and as the saying is has got the length of his commander's foot though he has another favorite in the house called Tom Pipes that was his Bosun's mate and now keeps the servants in order Tom is a man of few words but an excellent hand of the song concerning the Bosun's whistle Hassel Cap and Chuck Farthing there is not such another pipe in the county so that the Commodore lives very happy in his own manner though he'd be sometimes thrown into perilous passions and quandaries by the application of his poor kinsmen whom he can't abide because as how some of them were the first occasion of his going to see then he sweats with agony at the sight of an attorney just as for all the world as some people have an antipathy to a cat where it seems he was once at law making one of his officers and cast in a swinging sum he is moreover exceedingly afflicted with garblins that disturb his rest and keep such a racket in his house that you would think God bless us all the devils in hell had broke loose upon him it was no longer a girl than last year about this time that he was tormented the live long night by the mischievous spirits that got into his chamber and played a thousand pranks about his hammock or there is not one bad within his walls well sir he rang his bell called up all his servants got lights and made a thorough search but the devil a goblin was to be found he had no sooner turned in again and the rest of the family gone to sleep and the foul fiends began their game anew the Commodore got up in the dark drew his cutlass and attacked them both so manfully that in five minutes everything in the apartment went to pieces the lieutenant ear in the noise came to his assistance Tom Pipes being told what was the matter lighted his match and going down to the yard fired all the patter arrows as signals of distress well to be sure the whole parish was in a pucker some thought the French had landed others imagined the Commodore's house was beset by thieves for my own part two dragoons that a quartered upon me and they swore with deadly oaths it was a gang of smugglers engaged with the party of their regiment that lies in the next village and mountain their horses like lusty fellows rode up into the country as fast as their beasts could carry them ah master these are hard times when an industrious body cannot earn his bread without fear of the gallows your worship's father God rest his soul was a good gentleman and as well respected in this parish as air a he that walks upon neat leather and if your honor should want a small parcel of fine tea or a few anchors of right nont I'll be bound you shall be furnished your heart's content but as I was saying the hubbub continued till morning when the parson being sent for conjured the spirits into the red sea and the house has been pretty quiet ever since true it is mr. hatchway makes a mark of the whole affair and told his commander in this very blessed spot but the two garblins were no other than a couple of jackdaws which had fallen down the chimney and made a flapping with their wings up and down the apartment but the Commodore who is very choleric and does not like to be jeered fell into a main high passion and stormed like a perfect hurricane swearing that he knew a devil from a jackdaw as well as air a man in the three kingdoms he owned indeed that the birds were found but denied that they were the occasion of the uproar for my own part master I believe much may be said on both sides of the question though to be sure the devil is always going about as the saying is this circumstantial account extraordinary as it was never altered one feature in the countenance of mr. Pickle who having heard it to an end took the pipe from his mouth saying with the look of infinite sagacity and deliberation I do suppose he is of the Cornish trunnions what sort of a woman is his spouse spouse cried the other Ard's heart I don't think he would marry the queen of Sheba lackaday sir he won't suffer his own maids to be in the garrison but turns them into an outhouse every night before the watch is set bless your honest soul he is that it were a very Ardish kind of a gentleman your worship would have seen him before now for when he is well he and my good master hatchway come hither every evening and drink a couple of cans of rumbo apiece but he has been confined to his house this fortnight by a plaguey fit of the gout which I'll assure your worship is a good penny out of my pocket at that instant mr. Pickle's ears were saluted with such a strange noise as even discomposed the muscles of his face which gave immediate indications of alarm this composition of notes at first resembled the crying of quails and croaking of bullfrogs but as it approached nearer he could distinguish articulate sounds pronounced with great violence in such a cadence as one would expect to hear from a human creature scolding through the organs of an ass it was neither speaking nor braying but a surprising mixture of both employed in the utterance of terms absolutely unintelligible to our wondering merchant who had just opened his mouth to express his curiosity when the landlord starting up at the well-known sound cried Ard's nigger there is the Commodore with his company as sure as I live and with his apron began to wipe the dust off an elbow chair placed at one side of the fire and kept sacred for the ease and convenience of this infirm commander while he was thus occupied a voice still more uncouth than the former bawled aloud oh the house ahoy upon which the publican clapping a hand to each side of his head with his thumbs fixed to his ears rebelled in the same tone which he had learned to imitate hello the voice again exclaimed have you gotten the attorneys a bard and when the landlord replied no no this man of strange expectation came in supported by his two dependents and displayed a figure every way answerable to the oddity of his character he was in stature at least six feet high though he had contracted a habit of stooping by living so long on board his complexion was tawny and his aspect rendered hideous by a large scar across his nose and a patch that covered the place of one eye being seated in his chair with great formality the landlord complimented him upon his being able to come abroad again and having in a whisper communicated the name of his fellow guest whom the Commodore already knew by report went to prepare with all imaginable dispatch the first allowance of his favorite liquor in three separate cans for each was accommodated with his own portion apart while the lieutenant sat down on the blind side of his commander and Tom Pipes knowing his distance with great modesty took his station in the rear after a pause of some minutes the conversation was begun by this ferocious chief fixing his eye upon the lieutenant with a sternness of countenance not to be described addressed him in these words damn my eyes hatchway I always took you to be a better seaman than to over set our shades in such fair weather blood didn't I tell you we were running bumpers shore and bid you set in the ice brace and haul up a wind yes replied the other with an arch sneer I do confess as how you did give such orders after you had run as foul of a post so as that the carriage lay along and could not write herself I run you foul of a post cried the commander damn my heart you're a pretty dog ain't you to tell me so above board to my face did I take charge of the shares did I stand at the helm no answered hatchway I must confess you did not steer but how some ever you can't all the way and so as you could not see how the land lay being blind of your labored eye we were fast ashore before you knew anything of the matter pipes who stood about can testify the truth of what I say damn my limbs resumed the Commodore I don't value what you or pipes say a rope yarn you're a couple of mutinous I'll say no more but you shan't run your rig upon me I am the man that learned you Jack Hatch wait a splice a rope and raise a perpendicular the lieutenant who was perfectly well acquainted with the trim of his captain did not choose to carry on the altercation any further but taking up his can drank to the health of the stranger who very courteously returned the compliment without however presuming to join in the conversation which suffered a considerable pause during this interruption Mr. Hatchway's wit displayed itself in several practical jokes upon the Commodore with whom he knew it was dangerous to tamper in any other way being without the sphere of his vision he securely pilfered his tobacco drank his rumbo made rye faces and to use the vulgar phrase cock desired him to the no small entertainment of the spectators Mr. Pickle himself not accepted who gave evident tokens of uncommon satisfaction at the dexterity of this marine pantomime meanwhile the captain's collar gradually subsided and he was pleased to desire Hatchway by the familiar and friendly diminutive of Jack to read a newspaper that lay on the table before him this task was accordingly undertaken by the lame lieutenant who among paragraphs read that which follows an elevation of voice which seemed to prognosticate something extraordinary we are informed that Admiral Bauer will very soon be created a British pier for his eminent services during the war particularly in his late engagement with the French fleet Trunnion was thunderstruck at this piece of intelligence the mug dropped from his hand and shivered into a thousand pieces his eye glistened like that of a rattlesnake and some minutes elapsed before he could pronounce Avast! overhaul that article again it was no sooner read the second time than smiting the table with his fist he started up and with the most violent emphasis of rage and indignation exclaimed damn my heart and liver it is a land lied you see and I will maintain it to be alive from the spirit sail yard to the mish and topsoil hall yards bladder and thunder will Bauer appear of this realm a fellow of yesterday that scarce knows a mast from a manger a snotty nose boy whom I myself have ordered to the gun for stealing eggs out of the hencoops and I Hauser Trunnion who commanded a ship before he could keep a reckoning and laid aside you see and forgotten if so be as this be the case there is a rotten plank in our constitution which ought to be holed down and repaired damn my eyes for my own part you see I was none of your guinea pigs I did not rise in the service by parliamenteer in interest or a handsome bitch of a wife I was not over the bellies of better men nor strutted a thwart the quarterdeck at least doublet and thingin' bobs at the wrists damn my limbs I have been a hard-working man and served all offices on board from the cook's shifter to the command of a vessel here you tunnely there's the hand of a seamen you dog so staying he laid hold on the landlord's fist and honoured him with such a squeeze as compelled him to roar with great vociferation to the infinite satisfaction of the Commodore whose features were a little unblended by this acknowledgement of his vigour and he thus proceeded in a less outrageous strain there you make a damned noise about this engagement with the French but you guard it was no more than a bum-boat battle in comparison with some that I have seen there was old Rook and Jennings and another whom I'll be damned before I name that knew what fighting was that's my own share you see I am none of those that hallow in their own commendation but if so be that I were minded to stand my own trumpeter some of those little fellows that hold their heads so high would be takin' all aback as the sayin' is there would be a shame to show their colours damn my eyes I once lay eight glasses alongside of the Fleur de Luce a French man of war though her metal was heavier and a compliment larger by a hundred hands than mine you Jack Hachway, dammit, what you grin at? do you think I tell a story because you've never heard it before? why lucky sir answered the lieutenant I am glad to find you can stand your own trumpeter on occasion though I wish you would change the tune for that is the same you have been pipin' every watch for these ten months past Tanley himself will tell you he has heard it five hundred times God forgive you Mr Hachway said the landlord interrupting him as I am an honest man and a housekeeper I have never heard a syllable of the matter this declaration though not strictly true was extremely agreeable to Mr Trunnion who with an air of triumph observed aha Jack I thought I should bring you up with your jibes and your jokes but suppose you had heard it before is that any reason why it shouldn't be told to another person? there's the stranger be like he has heard it five hundred times too ain't your brother? addressing himself to Mr Pickle who replying with a look expressing curiosity no, never he thus went on well you seem to be an honest, quiet sort of a man and therefore you must know as I said before I fell in with a French man of war cap finished air bearing about six leagues on the weather bow and the chase three leagues to Leeward going before the wind whereupon I set my studding sails and coming up with her hoisted my Jack and Ensign and poured in a broadside before you could count three rapplings in the mason shrouds for I always keep a good look out and love to have the first fire that I'll be sworn said Hatchway for the day we made the triumph you ordered the men to fire when she was hulled too by the same token we below pointed the guns at a flight of gulls and I won a can of punch from the gunner by killing the first bird exasperated at this sarcasm replied with great vehemence you lie lover damn your bones what business of you to come always a thwart my horse in this manner you pipes was upon deck and can bear witness whether or not I fired too soon speak you blad of a and that upon the word of a seamen how did the chase bear of us when I gave orders to fire pipes who had hitherto sat silent being thus called upon to give his evidence and after diver's strange gesticulations opened his mouth like a gasping cod and with a cadence like that of the east wind singing through a cranny pronounced half a quarter of a league right upon our lee beam nearer you porpoise faced swab cried the commodore nearer by twelve fathom but how some ever that's enough to prove the false sort of Hatchway's jaw and so brother did you see turning to pickle I lay alongside of the flower deluce yard arm and yard arm playing our great guns and small arms and even instinct parts powder battles and hand grenades till our shot was all expended double headed partridge and grape then we loaded with iron crows marlin spikes and old nails that finding the Frenchman took a good deal of drabbing and that he had shot away all our rigging and killed and wounded a great number of our men you see I resolved to run him on board upon his quarter and so ordered our grappling to be got ready but mom's sewer perceiving what we were about filled his top soles and sheared off leaving is like a log upon the water and our scupper's running with blood Mr. Pickle and the landlord paid such extraordinary attention to the rehearsal of this exploit that Trunnion was encouraged to entertain them with more stories of the same nature after which he observed by way of encomium on the government that all he had gained in the service was a lame foot and the loss of an eye the lieutenant who could not find it in his heart to lose any opportunity of being witty at the expense of his commander gave a loose to his satirical talent once more saying I have heard as how you came by your lame foot by having your upper decks over stowed with liquor whereby you became crank and rolled you see in such a manner that by a pitch of the ship your starboard heel was jammed in one of the scupper's and as for the manner of your eye that was knocked out by your own crew when the lightning was paid off as poor pipes who was beaten into all the colours of the rainbow were taken your part and given you time to shear off and I don't find a value of rewarded him according as he deserves as the Commodore could not deny the truth of these anecdotes however unseasonably they were introduced he effected to receive them with good humour as jokes of the lieutenant's own inventing and replied, I, I Jack everybody knows your tongue is no slander but how some ever I'll work you to an oil for this you dark so saying he lifted up one of his crutches intending to lay it gently across Mr Hatchway's plate but Jack with great agility tilted up his wooden leg with which he warded off the blow to the no small admiration of Mr Pickle and utter astonishment of the landlord who by the by had expressed the same amazement at the same feet, at the same hour every night for three months before Trunnion then directing his eye to the boson's mate you pipes, do you go about and tell people that I did not reward you for standing by me when I was bustled by these rebellious rapscallions damn you, ain't you been rated on the books ever since Tom who indeed had no words to spare sat smoking his pipe with great indifference and never dreamed of paying any regard to these interrogations which being repeated and reinforced with many oaths that however produced no effect the Commodore pulled out his purse saying here you blasted baby here's something better than a smart ticket and threw it at his silent deliverer who received and pocketed his bounty without the least demonstration of surprise or satisfaction while the donor turning to Mr Pickle you see brother said he I make good the old saying we sailors get money like horses and spend it like asses come pipes, let's add the boson's whistle and be jovial this musician accordingly applied to his mouth the silver instrument that hung at the buttonhole of his jacket by a chain of the same metal and though not quite so ravishing as the pipe of Hermes produced a sound so loud and shrill that the stranger as it were instinctively stopped his ears to preserve his organs of hearing from such a dangerous invasion the prelude being thus executed pipes fixed his eyes upon the egg of an ostrich that depended from the ceiling and without once moving them from that object performed the whole cantata in a tone of voice that seemed to be the joint issue of an Irish bagpipe and a sow-gelder's horn the Commodore, the lieutenant and landlord joined in the chorus repeating this elegant stanza Basil, Basil, brave boys let us sing, let us toil and drink all the while since labours the price of our joys the third line was no sooner pronounced than the can was lifted to every man's mouth with admirable uniformity and the next word taken up at the end of their draft with a twang equally expressive and harmonious in short the company began to understand one another Mr. Pickle seemed to relish the entertainment and a correspondence immediately commenced between him and Trunnion who shook him by the hand drank to further acquaintance and even invited him to a mess of pork and peas in the garrison the compliment was returned good fellowship prevailed and the night was pretty far advanced the merchant's man arrived with a lantern to light his master home upon which the new friends parted after a mutual promise of meeting next evening in the same place End of Chapter 2 Recording by Martin Geethan of Hazelmere Surrey Chapter 3 of the Adventures of Peregrine Pickle Volume 1 This is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Martin Geethan The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle Volume 1 by Tobias Smollett Chapter 3 Mrs. Grizzle exerts herself in finding a proper match for her brother who is accordingly introduced to the young lady whom he marries in due season I have been the more circumstantial in opening the character of Trunnion because he bears a considerable share in the course of these memoirs but now it is high time to resume the consideration of Mistress Grizzle who since her arrival in the country had been engrossed by a double care namely that of finding a suitable match for her brother and a comfortable yoke fellow for herself neither was this aimed the result of any sinister or frail aggression but the pure dictates of that laudable ambition which prompted her to the preservation of the family name nay so disinterested was she in this pursuit that postponing her nearest concern or at least leaving her own fate to the silent operation of her charms she laboured with such indefatigable zeal on behalf of her brother that before they had been three months settled in the country the general topic of conversation in the neighbourhood was an intended match between the rich Mr Pickle and the fair Miss Appleby daughter of a gentleman who lived in the next parish and who though he had but little fortune to bestow upon his children had to use his own phrase replenished their veins with some of the best blood in the country this young lady whose character and disposition Mistress Grizzle had investigated to her own satisfaction was destined for the spouse of Mr Pickle and an overture accordingly made to her father who being overjoyed at the proposal gave his consent without hesitation and even recommended the immediate execution of the project with such eagerness as seemed to indicate either a suspicion of Mr Pickle's constancy or a diffidence of his own daughter's complexion which perhaps he thought too sanguine to keep much longer cool the previous point being thus settled our merchant at the instigation of Mistress Grizzle went to visit his future father-in-law and was introduced to the daughter with whom he had that same afternoon an opportunity of being alone what passed in that interview I never could learn though from the character of the suitor the reader may justly conclude that she was not much teased with the impertinence of his addresses he was not I believe the less welcome for that reason certain it is she made no objection to his taciturnity and when her father communicated his resolution acquiesced with the most pious resignation but Mistress Grizzle in order to give the lady a more favourable idea of his intellects than his conversation could possibly inspire resolves to dictate a letter which her brother should transcribe and transmit to his mistress as the produce of his own understanding and had actually composed a very tender be-yay for this purpose yet her intention was entirely frustrated by the misapprehension of the lover himself who in consequence of his sister's repeated admonitions anticipated her scheme by writing for himself and dispatching the letter one afternoon while Mistress Grizzle was visiting at the Parsons neither was this step the effect of his vanity or precipitation but having been often assured by his sister absolutely necessary for him to make a declaration of his love in writing he took this opportunity of acting in conformity with her advice when his imagination was unengaged or undisturbed by any other suggestion without suspecting in the least that she intended to save him the trouble of exercising his own genius left therefore as he imagined to his own inventions he sat down and produced the following morceau which was transmitted to Miss Appleby before his sister and councillor had the least intimation of the affair Miss Sally Appleby Madam understanding you have a parcel of heart warranted sound to be disposed of shall be pleased to treat for said commodity on reasonable terms doubt not shall agree for same shall wait on you for further information when and where you shall appoint this the needful from yours et cetera gam pickle this laconic epistle simple and unadorned as it was met with as cordial a reception from the person to whom it was addressed as if it had been couched in the most elegant terms that delicacy of passion and cultivated genius could supply nay I believe was the more welcome on account of its mercantile plainness because when an advantageous matches in view a sensible woman often considers the flowery professions and rapturous exclamations of love as ensnaring ambiguities or at best impertinent preliminaries that retard the treaty they are designed to promote whereas Mr Pickle removed all disagreeable uncertainty by descending at once to the most interesting particular she had no sooner as a dutiful child communicated this be a do to her father than he as a careful parent visited Mr Pickle and in presence of Mistress Grizzle demanded a formal explanation of his sentiments with regard to his daughter Sally Mr Gamaliel without any ceremony assured him that he had a respect for the young woman and with his good leave would take her for better for worse Mr Appleby having expressed his satisfaction that he had fixed his affections in his family comforted the lover with the assurance of his being agreeable to the young lady and they forthwith proceeded to the articles of the marriage settlement which being discussed and determined a lawyer was ordered to engross them the wedding clothes were bought and in short a day was appointed for the celebration of the nuptials to which everybody of any fashion in the neighborhood was invited among those Commodore Trunnion and Mr Hatchway were not forgotten being the sole companions of the Bridegroom with whom by this time they had contracted a sort of intimacy at their nocturnal rendezvous they had received the previous intimation of what was on the anvil from the landlord before Mr Pickle thought proper to declare himself in consequence of which the topic of the one-eyed commander's discourse at their meeting for several evenings before had been the folly and plague of matrimony on which he held forth great vehemence of abuse leveled at the fair sex whom he represented as devil's incarnate sent from hell to torment mankind and in particular invade against old maids for whom he seemed to entertain a singular aversion what his friend Jack confirmed the truth of all his allegations and gratified his own malignant vein at the same time by clenching every sentence a sly joke upon the married state built upon some illusion to a ship or seafaring life he compared a woman to a great gun loaded with fire brimstone and noise which being violently heated will bounce and fly and play the devil if you don't take special care of her breechings he said she was like a hurricane that never blows from one quarter that veers about to all points of the compass and sent her to a painted galley curiously rigged with a leak in her hold which her husband would never be able to stop he observed that her inclinations were like the Bay of Biscay for why, because you may heave your deep sea lead long enough without ever reaching the bottom that he who comes to anchor on a wife may find himself moored in damned foul ground and after all can't for his blood slip his cable but for his own part though he might make short trips for pastime would never embark in woman on the voyage of life he was afraid of foundering in the first foul weather in all probability these insinuations made some impression on the mind of Mr Pickle who was not very much inclined to run great risks of any kind but the injunctions and importunities of his sister who was bent upon the match and overbalanced the opinion of his sea friends who finding him determined to marry notwithstanding all the hints of caution they had thrown out resolved to accept his invitation and honoured his nuptials with their presence accordingly End of Chapter 3 Recording by Martin Giesen of Hazelmere Surrey Chapter 4 of The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle Volume 1 This is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Martin Giesen The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle Volume 1 by Tobias Smollett Chapter 4 The behaviour of Mr Grisel at the wedding of the guests I hope it will not be thought uncharitable if I advance by way of conjecture that Mr Grisel on this grand occasion summoned her whole exertion to play off the artillery of her charms on the single gentlemen who were invited to the entertainment Sure I am she displayed to the best advantage all the engaging qualities she possessed Her affability at dinner was altogether uncommon Her attention to the guests was superfluously hospitable Her tongue was sheathed with a most agreeable and infantile lisp Her address was perfectly obliging and though conscious of the extraordinary capacity of her mouth she would not venture to hazard a laugh she modelled her lips into an enchanting simper which played on her countenance all day long Nay, she even profited by that defect in her vision which we have already observed and securely contemplated those features which were most to her liking while the rest of the company believed her regards were disposed in a quite contrary direction With what humility of complacence did she receive the compliments of those who could not help praising the elegance of the banquet and how piously did she seize that opportunity of commemorating the honours of her sire by observing that it was no merit in her to understand something of entertainment as she had occasion to preside at so many during the mayoralty of her papar Far from discovering the least symptom of pride and exultation when the opulence of her family became the subject of conversation she assumed a severity of countenance and after having moralised on the vanity of riches declared that those who looked on her as a fortune were very much mistaken for her father had left her no more than a poor £5,000 which with what little she had saved of the interest since his death was all she had to depend on indeed if she had placed her chief felicity in wealth she should not have been so forward in destroying her own expectations by advising and promoting the event at which they were now so happily assembled but she hoped she should always have virtue enough to postpone any interested consideration when it should happen to clash with her friends finally such was her modesty and self-denial that she industriously informed those whom it might concern that she was no less than three years older than the bride though had she added ten to the reckoning she would have committed no mistake in point of computation to contribute as much as lay in her power to the satisfaction of all present she in the afternoon regaled them to record accompanied with her voice which though not the most melodious in the world I dare say would have been equally at their service could she had vied with Philomel in song and as the last effort of her complacence when dancing was proposed she was prevailed on at the request of her new sister to open the ball in person in a word Mistress Grizzle was the principal figure in this festival and almost eclipsed the bride far from seeming to dispute the preeminence very wisely allowed her to make the best of her talents contenting herself with a lot to which fortune had already called her and which she imagined would not be the less desirable if her sister-in-law were detached from the family I believe I need scarce advertises the reader that during this whole entertainment the Commodore and his lieutenant were quite out of their element and this indeed was the case with the bridegroom himself who being utterly unacquainted with any sort of polite commerce found himself under a very disagreeable restraint during the whole scene Trunnion who had scarce ever been on shore till he was paid off and never once in his whole life in the company of any females above the rank of those who heard on the point at Portsmouth was more embarrassed about his behaviour and if he had been surrounded at sea by the whole French Navy he had never pronounced the word madame since he was born so that far from entering into conversation with the ladies he would not even return the compliment or give the least note of civility when they drank to his health and I verily believe would rather have suffered suffocation than allowed the simple phrase your servant to proceed from his mouth he was altogether as inflexible with respect to the attitudes of his body for either through the sea or bashfulness he sat upright without motion in so much that he provoked the mirth of a certain wag who were dressing himself to the lieutenant asked whether that was the Commodore himself or the wooden lion that used to stand at his gate an image to which it must be owned Mr Trunnion's person bore no faint resemblance Mr Hatchway who was not quite so unpolished as the Commodore and had certain notions that seemed to approach the ideas of common life made a less uncouth appearance but then he was a wit and though of a very peculiar genius Pa took largely of that disposition which is common to all wits who never enjoyed themselves except when their talents meet with those marks of distinction and veneration which in their own opinion they deserve these circumstances being premised it is not to be wondered at if this triumvirate made no objections to the proposal when some of the graver personages of the company made a motion for a journey into another apartment where they might enjoy their pipes and bottles while the young folks indulge themselves in the continuance of their own favourite diversion thus rescued as it were from a state of annihilation the first use the two lads of the castle made of their existence was to ply the bridegroom so hard with bumpers that in less than an hour he made divers efforts to sing and soon after was carried to bed deprived of all manner of sensation to the utter disappointment of the bride men and maids who by this accident were prevented from throwing the stocking and performing certain other ceremonies practised on such occasions as for the bride she bore this misfortune with great good humour and indeed on all occasions behaved like a discreet woman perfectly well acquainted with the nature of her own situation End of Chapter 4 Recording by Martin Giesen in Hazelmere Surrey Chapter 5 of the Adventures of Peregrine Pickle Volume 1 This is a LibriVox recording All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Martin Giesen The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle Volume 1 by Tobias Smollett Chapter 5 Mistress Pickle assumes the reins of government in her own family The sister-in-law undertakes an enterprise of great moment but is for some time diverted from her purpose by a very interesting consideration Whatever deference not to say submission she had paid to Mistress Grisel before she nearly allied to her family she no sooner became Mistress Pickle than she thought it incumbent on her to act up to the dignity of the character and the very day after the marriage ventured to dispute with her sister-in-law on the subject of her own pedigree which she affirmed to be more honourable in all respects than that of her husband observing that several younger brothers of her house had arrived at the station of Lord Mayor of London which was the highest pitch of greatness that any of Mr Pickle's predecessors had ever attained This presumption was like a thunderbolt to Mistress Grisel who began to perceive that she had not succeeded quite so well as she had imagined in selecting for her brother a gentle and obedient yoke fellow who would always treat her with that profound respect which she thought to her superior genius and be entirely regulated by her advice and direction however she still continued to manage the reins of government in the house reprehending the servants as usual an office she performed with great capacity and in which she seemed to take singular delight until Mrs Pickle on pretense of consulting her ease told her one day that she would take that trouble on herself and for the future assume the management of her own family nothing could be more mortifying to Mistress Grisel than such a declaration to which after a considerable pause and strange distortion of look she replied I shall never refuse or repine at any trouble that may conduce to my brother's advantage Dear Madam answered the sister I am infinitely obliged for your kind concern for Mr Pickle's interest which I consider as my own but I cannot bear to see you a sufferer by your friendship and therefore insist on exempting you from the fatigue you have born so long in vain did the other protest that she took pleasure in the task Mistress Pickle ascribed the assurance to her excessive complacence and expressed such tenderness of zeal for her dear sister's health and tranquility that the reluctant maiden found herself obliged to resign her authority without enjoying the least pretext for complaining of her being deposed this disgrace was attended by a fit of peabish devotion that lasted three or four weeks during which period she had the additional chagrin of seeing the young lady gain an absolute ascendancy over the mind of her brother who was persuaded to set up a gay equipage and improve his housekeeping by an augmentation of his expense to the amount of a thousand a year at least though his alteration in the economy of his household affected no change in his own disposition or manner of life for as soon as the painful ceremony of receiving and returning visits was performed he had recourse to the company of his sea friends with whom he spent the best part of his time but if he was satisfied with this condition the case was otherwise with who finding her importance in the family greatly diminished her attractions neglected by all the male sex in the neighbourhood and the withering hand of time hanged threatening over her head began to feel the horror of eternal virginity and in a sort of desperation resolved at any rate to rescue herself from that reproachful and uncomfortable situation thus determined she formed a plan the execution of which to a spirit less enterprising and sufficient than hers would have appeared altogether impracticable this was no other than to make a conquest of the Commodore's heart which the reader will easily believe was not very susceptible of tender impressions but on the contrary fortified with insensibility and prejudice against the charms of the whole sex and particularly pre-possessed to the prejudice of that class appellation of old maids in which Mistress Grizzles by this time unhappily ranked she nevertheless took the field and having invested this seemingly impregnable fortress began to break ground one day when Trunnion dined at her brothers by springing certain ensnaring commendations on the honesty and sincerity of seafaring people paying a particular attention to his plate and affecting a simper of appreciation at everything which he said which by any means she could construe into a joke or with modesty be supposed to hear nay even when he left decency on the left hand which was often the case she ventured to reprimand his freedom of speech with a grin saying sure you gentlemen belonging to the sea have such an odd way with you but all this complacency was so ineffectual that far from suspecting the true cause the Commodore that very evening at the club in presence of her brother with whom by this time he could take any manner of freedom did not scruple to dam her for a squinting block faced chattering pox kitchen and immediately after drank despair to all old maids the toast Mr Pickle pledged without the least hesitation and next day intimated to his sister who bore the indignity with surprising resignation and did not therefore desist from her scheme and promising as it seemed to be until her attention was called off and engaged in another care which for some time interrupted the progress of this design her sister had not been married many months when she exhibited evident symptoms of pregnancy to the general satisfaction of all concerned and the inexpressible joy of Mistress Grizzle who as we have already hinted was more interested in the preservation of the family name than in any other consideration whatever she therefore no sooner discovered appearances to justify and confirm her hopes than postponing her own purpose and laying aside that peak and resentment she had conceived from the behaviour of Mistress Pickle when she superseded her authority or perhaps considering her in no other light than that of the vehicle which contained and was destined to convey her brother's air to light she determined to exert her uttermost in nursing tending and cherishing her during the term of her important charge with this view she purchased Culpepper's Midwifery which with that sagacious performance dignified with Aristotle's name she studied with indefatigable care and diligently perused the complete housewife together with Quincy's dispensatory culling every jelly, marmalade and conserve which these authors recommend as either salutary or toothsome for the benefit and comfort of her sister-in-law during her gestation she restricted her for meeting roots, pot herbs, fruit and all sorts of vegetables and one day when Mistress Pickle had plucked a peach with her own hand and was in the very act of putting it between her teeth Mistress Grizzle perceived the rash attempt and running up to her fell on her knees in the garden and treating her with tears in her eyes to desist such a pernicious appetite her request was no sooner complied with than recollecting that if her sister's longing was balked the child might be affected with some disagreeable mark or deplorable disease she begged as earnestly that she would swallow the fruit and in the meantime ran for some cordial water of her own composing which she forced on her sister to poison she had received this excessive zeal and tenderness did not fail to be very troublesome to Mistress Pickle who having resolved Diver's plans for the recovery of her own ease at length determined to engage Mistress Grizzle in such employment as would interrupt that close attendance which she found so teasing and disagreeable neither did she wait long for an opportunity of putting her resolution in practice the very next day a gentleman happening to dine with Mr Pickle unfortunately mentioned a pineapple part of which he had eaten a week before at the house of a nobleman who lived in another part of the country at the distance of a hundred miles at least the name of this fatal fruit was no sooner pronounced than Mistress Grizzle who incessantly watched her sister's looks took the alarm because she thought they gave certain indications of curiosity and desire and having observed that she herself could never eat pineapples which were altogether unnatural productions extorted by the force of artificial fire out of filthy manure asked with a faltering voice if Mistress Pickle was not of her way of thinking this young lady who wanted neither slowness nor penetration at once divined her meaning and replied with seeming unconcern that for her own part she would never rip pine if there was no pineapple in the universe provided she could indulge herself with the fruits of her own country this answer was calculated for the benefit of the stranger who would certainly have suffered for his imprudence by the resentment of Mistress Grizzle had her sister expressed the least relish for the fruit in question it had the desired effect and re-established the piece of the company which was not a little endangered by the gentleman's want of consideration next morning however after breakfast the pregnant lady in pursuance of her plan yawned as it were by accident fall in the face of her maiden sister who being infinitely disturbed by this convulsion affirmed it was a symptom of longing and insisted upon knowing the object in desire when Mistress Pickle affecting a smile told as she had eaten the most deep this declaration was attended with an immediate scream uttered by Mistress Grizzle who instantly perceiving her sister surprised at the exclamation clasped her in her arms and assured her with a sort of hysterical laugh that she could not help screaming with joy because she had it in her power to gratify her dear sister's wish a lady in the neighbourhood having promised to send her as a present a couple of delicate pineapples which she would on that very day go in quest of Mistress Pickle would by no means consent to this proposal on pretence of sparing the other unnecessary fatigue and assured her that if she had any desire to eat a pineapple it was so faint that the disappointment could produce no bad consequence but this assurance was conveyed in a manner which she knew very well how to adopt that instead of dissuading Mistress Grizzle to set out immediately not on a visit to that lady whose promise she herself had feigned with a view of consulting her sister's tranquility but on a random search through the whole country for this unlucky fruit which was like to produce so much vexation and prejudice to her and her father's house during three whole days and nights did she attended by a valley ride from place to place without success unmindful of her health and careless of her reputation but began to suffer from the nature of her inquiry which was pursued with such peculiar eagerness and distraction that everyone with whom she conversed looked upon her as an unhappy person whose intellects were not a little disordered baffled in all her researches within the country she at length decided to visit that very nobleman at whose house the officious stranger came for her so unfortunately regaled and actually arrived in a post-chase at the place of his habitation when she introduced her business as an affair on which the happiness of a whole family depended by virtue of a present to his lordship's gardener she procured the Hesperian fruit with which she returned in triumph End of Chapter 5 Recording by Martin Giesen in Hazelmere Surrey Chapter 6 of the Adventures of Peregrine Pickle Volume 1 This is a LibriVox recording All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Martin Giesen The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle Volume 1 by Tobias Smollett Chapter 6 Mistress Grizzle is indefatigable in gratifying her sister's longings Peregrine is born and managed contrary to the directions and remonstrances of his aunt who is disgusted upon that account and resumes the plan which he had before rejected The success of this device would have encouraged Mistress Pickle to practice more of the same sort upon her sister-in-law had she not been deterred by a violent fever which seized her zealous ally in consequence of the fatigue and uneasiness she had undergone which while it lasted has effectually conduced to her repose as any other stratagem she could invent But Mistress Grizzle's health was no sooner restored than the other being as much incommodated as ever was obliged in her own defence to have recourse to some other contrivance and managed her artifices in such a manner that leaves it at this day a doubt whether she was really so whimsical and capricious in her appetites as she herself pretended to be for her longings were not restricted to the demands of the palate and stomach but also affected all the other organs of sense and even invaded her imagination which at this period seemed to be strangely diseased One time she longed to pinch her husband's ear and it was with infinite difficulty that his sister could prevail upon him to undergo the operation Yet this task was easy in comparison with another she undertook for the gratification of Mistress Grizzle's unaccountable desire which was no other than to persuade the Commodore to submit his chin to the mercy of the big-bellied lady who ardently wished for an opportunity of plucking three black hairs from his beard When this proposal was first communicated to Mr Trunnion by the husband his answer was nothing but a dreadful effusion of oaths accompanied with such a stare and delivered in such a tone of voice has terrified the poor beseecher into immediate silence so that Mistress Grizzle was feigned to take the whole enterprise upon herself and next day went to the garrison accordingly where having obtained entrance by means of the lieutenant who while his commander was asleep ordered her to be admitted for the joke's sake she waited patiently till he turned out and then accosted him in the yard where he used to perform his morning walk He was thunderstruck at the appearance of a woman in a place he had hitherto kept sacred from the whole sex and immediately began to utter an apostrophe to Tom Pipes whose turn it was then to watch When Mistress Grizzle falling on her knees before him ordered him with many pathetic supplications to hear and grant her request which was no sooner signified than he bellowed in such an outrageous manner that the whole court re-echoed the appropriate term bitch and the word damnation which he repeated with surprising volubility without any sort of propriety or connection and retreated into his penitchalia leaving the baffled devotee in the humble posture who had so unsuccessfully chosen to melt his obdurate heart mortifying as this repulse must have been to a lady of her stately disposition she did not relinquish her aim but endeavoured to interest the Commodore's counsellors and adherents in her cause With this view she solicited the interest of Mr Hatchway who being highly pleased with the circumstance so productive of mirth and diversion she entered into her measures and promised to employ his whole influence for her satisfaction and as for the Boson's mate he was rendered propitious by the present of a guinea which she slipped into his hand In short Mr's grizzle was continually engaged in this negotiation for the space of ten days during which the Commodore was so incessantly pestered with her remonstrances and the admonitions of his associates swore his people had a design upon his life which was becoming a burden to him and he at last complied and was conducted to the scene like a victim to the altar or rather like a reluctant bear when he's led to the stake amid the shouts and cries of butchers and their dogs After all this victory was not quite so decisive as the conquerors imagined for the patient being set for the consequences a small difficulty occurred she could not for some time discern one black hair on the whole superfaces of Mr Trunyan's face when Mr's grizzle very much alarmed and disconcerted had recourse to a magnifying glass that stood upon her toilet and after a most accurate examination discovered the fiber of a dusky hue to which the instrument being applied Mr's pickle pulled it up by the roots of the no small discomposure of the owner who feeling the smart much more severe than he had expected started up and swore he would not part with another hair to save them all from damnation Mr Hatchaway exhorted him to patience and resignation Mr's grizzle repeated her entreaties with great humility but finding him deaf to all her prayers and absolutely bent upon leaving the house he clasped his knees and begged for the love of God that he would have compassion upon a distressed family and endure a little more for the sake of the poor infant who would otherwise be born with a grey beard upon its chin far from being melted he was rather exasperated by this reflection to which he replied with great indignation damn you for your sighted bitch I'll be hanged long enough before he has any beard at all so saying he disengaged himself from her embraces flung out at the door and halted homewards with such surprising speed that the lieutenant could not overtake him until he had arrived at his own gate and Mr's grizzle was so much affected with his escape that her sister in pure compassion desired she would not afflict herself protesting that her own wish was already gratified for she had plucked three hairs at once having from the beginning being dubious of the Commodore's patience but the labours of this assiduous kinswoman did not end with the achievement of this adventure her eloquence or industry was employed without ceasing in the performance of other tasks imposed by the ingenious craft of her sister-in-law who at another time conceived an insuppressable affection for a fricacy of frogs which should be the genuine natives of France so that there was a necessity for dispatching a messenger on purpose to that kingdom but as she could not depend upon the integrity of any common servant Mr's grizzle undertook that province and actually set sail in a cutter for Boulogne from when she returned in 8 and 40 hours with a tubful of those live animals which being dressed according to art her sister did not taste them on pretense that her fit of longing was past but then her inclinations took a different turn and fixed themselves upon a curious implement belonging to a lady of quality in the neighbourhood which was reported to be a great curiosity this was no other than a porcelain chamber pot of admirable workmanship contrived by the honourable owner who kept it for her own private use and cherished it as a utensil of inestimable value Mr's grizzle shuddered at the first hint she received of her sister's desire to possess this piece of furniture because she knew it was not to be purchased and the lady's character which was none of the most amiable in points of humanity and condescension forbade all hopes of borrowing it for a season she therefore attempted to reason down this capricious appetite as an extravagance of imagination which ought to be combated and repressed and Mr's pickle to all appearance was convinced and satisfied by her arguments and advice but nevertheless could make use of no other convenience and was threatened with a very dangerous suppression roused at the peril in which she was supposed to be Mr's grizzle flew to the lady's house and having obtained a private audience disclosed the melancholy situation of her sister she applauded the benevolence of her ladyship who contrary to expectation received her very graciously and consented to indulge Mr's pickle's longing Mr Pickle began to be out of humour at the expense to which he was exposed by the caprice of his wife who was herself alarmed at this last accident and for the future kept her fancy within bounds in so much that without being subject to any more ordinary trouble Mr's grizzle reaped the long-wished fruits of her dearest expectation in the birth of a fine boy whom her sister in a few months brought into the world I shall omit the description of the rejoicings which were infinite on this important occasion and only observe that Mr's pickle's mother and aunt stood godmothers and the Commodore assisted at the ceremony as godfather to the child in the name of Peregrine in compliment to the memory of a deceased uncle While the mother was confined to her bed and incapable of maintaining her own authority Mr's grizzle took charge of the infant baby double-claim and superintended with surprising vigilance the nurse and midwife in all the particulars of their respective offices which were performed by her express direction but no sooner was Mr's pickle in a condition to reassume the management of her own affairs when she thought proper to alter certain regulations concerning the child which had obtained in consequence of her sister's orders directing among other innovations that the bandages with which the infant had been so neatly rolled up like an Egyptian mummy should be loosened and laid aside in order to rid nature of all restraint and give the blood free scope to circulate and with her own hands she plunged him headlong every morning into a tub full of cold water This operation seemed so barbarous to the tender-hearted Mr's grizzle that she not only opposed it with all her eloquence shedding abundance of tears over the sacrifice when it was made but took course immediately and departed for the habitation of an eminent country physician whom she consulted in these words Pray doctor, is it not both dangerous and cruel to be the means of letting a poor tender infant perish by sowsing it in water as cold as ice? Yes, replied the doctor downright murder, I affirm I see you are a person of great learning and sagacity, said the other and I must beg you will be so good as to signify your opinion in your own handwriting The doctor immediately complied with her request and expressed himself about a slip of paper to this purpose These doctors certified whom it may concern that I firmly believe and it is my unalterable opinion that whosoever letter than infant perish by sowsing it in cold water even though the said water should not be so cold as ice is in effect guilty of the murder of the said infant as witness my hand come fit colosin Having obtained this certificate for which the physician was handsomely acknowledged she returned exulting and hoping with such authority to overthrow all opposition Accordingly next morning when her nephew was about to undergo his diurnal baptism she produced the commission whereby she conceived herself empowered to overrule such inhuman proceedings but she was disappointed in her expectation confident as it was not that mistress pickle pretended to differ in opinion from doctor colosin for whose character and sentiments said she I have such veneration that I shall carefully observe the caution implied in this very certificate by which far from condemning my method of practice he only asserts that killing is murder and a separation the truth of which it is to be hoped mistress grizzle who soothed to say had rather to superficially considered the clause by which she thought herself authorised perused the paper with more accuracy and was confounded at her own want of penetration yet though she was confuted she was by no means convinced that her objections to the cold bath were unreasonable on the contrary after having bestowed sundry on the physician for his want of knowledge and candour she protested in the most earnest and solemn manner the pernicious practice of dipping the child a piece of cruelty which with God's assistance she should never suffered to be inflicted upon her own issue and washing her hands of the melancholy consequence that would certainly ensue she shut herself up in her closet to indulge her sorrow and vexation she was deceived however by her prognostic the boy instead of declining in point of health seemed to acquire fresh vigour from every plunge as if he had been resolved to discredit the wisdom and foresight of his aunt who in all probability could never forgive him for this want of reverence and respect this conjecture is founded upon her behaviour to him in the sequel of his infancy during which she was known to torture him more than once with the use of thrusting pins into his flesh without any danger of being detected in short her affections were in a little time altogether alienated from this hope of her family whom she abandoned to the conduct of his mother whose province it undoubtedly was to manage the nurture of her own child while she herself resumed her operations upon the Commodore whom she was resolved at any rate to captivate and enslave and it must be owned that mistress Grizzle's knowledge of the human heart never shone so conspicuous as in the method she pursued for the accomplishment of this important aim through the rough unpolished hulk that cased the soul of Trunnion she could easily distinguish a large share of that vanity and self-conceit that generally predominate even in the most savage beast and to this she constantly appealed in his presence she always exclaimed against the craft and dishonest dissimulation of the world I'd never failed a buttering particular invectives against those arts of chicanery in which the lawyers are so conversant to the prejudice and ruin of their fellow creatures observing that in a seafaring life as far as she had opportunities of judging or being informed there was nothing but friendship, sincerity and a hearty contempt for everything that was mean or selfish this kind of conversation with the assistance of certain particular civilities insensibly made an impression on the mind of the Commodore and the more effectual as his former prepossessions were built upon very slender foundations his antipathy to old maids which he had conceived upon hearsay began gradually to diminish when he found they were not quite such infernal animals as they had been and it was not long before he was heard to observe at the club that Pickle's sister had not so much of the core of the bitch in her as he had imagined this negative compliment by the medium of her brother soon reached the ears of mistress Grizzle who thus encouraged redoubled in her arts and attention so that in less than three months after he in the same place distinguished her with the epithet of a damned civil jade Hatchway taking the alarm at this declaration which he feared foreboded something fatal to his interest told his commander with a sneer that she had sense enough to bring him under her stern and he did not doubt that such an old crazy vessel would be the better for being taken in tow but how some ever I did this arch advisor I'd advise you to take care of your upper works for if once you were made fast to her poop bigad she'll spank it away make every beam in your body crack with straining our she projectors whole plan had liked to have been ruined by the effect which this malicious hint had upon trunnion whose rage and suspicion being wakened at once his colour changed from tawny to a cadaverous pale and then shifting to a deep and dusky red such as we sometimes observe in the sky when it is replete with thunder he after his usual preamble of unmeaning oaths answered in these words damn you, you jury-legged dog you would give all this stowage in your hole to be as sound as I am and as for being taken in tow do you see I'm not so disabled that I can lie my course and perform my voyage without assistance and it gad no man shall ever see whores of trunnion lagging a stern in the wake of air a bitch in crescendum mistress grizzle who every morning interrogated her brother with regard to the subject of the night's conversation with his friends soon received the unwelcome news of the Commodore's aversion to machemeny and justly imputing the greatest part of his disgust to the satirical insinuations of Mr Hatchway resolved to level this obstruction to her success which means to interest him in her scheme she had indeed on some occasions a particular knack at making converts being probably not unacquainted with the grand system of persuasion which is adopted by the greatest personages of the age and fraught with maxims much more effectual than all the eloquence of tally or dimosthenes even when supported by the demonstrations of truth besides Mr Hatchway's fidelity was confirmed by his foreseeing in his captain's marriage an infinite fund of gratification for his own cynical disposition thus therefore converted and properly cautioned he for the future suppressed all the virulence of his wit against the matrimonial state and as he knew not how to open his mouth in the positive praise of any person whatever took all opportunities of accepting mistress grizzle by name from the censures he so liberally bestowed upon the rest of her sex she is not a drunkard like Nan Castic of Depford he would say not a nincompoop like Peg Simper of Woolwich not a brimstone like Kate Cardle of Chatham nor a shrew like Nell Griffin on the point Portsmouth ladies to whom at different times they had both paid their addresses but a tight good-humoured sensible wench who knows very well how to buck their compass well trimmed a loft and well sheathed a low with a good cargo under her hatches the Commodore at first imagined this commendation was ironical but hearing it repeated again and again was filled with astonishment at this surprising change in the lieutenant's behaviour and after a long fit of musing concluded that Hatchway himself harboured a matrimonial design of the person of Mistress Grizzle pleased with this conjecture he rallied Jack in his turn and one night toasted her health as a compliment to his passion a circumstance which the lady learned next day by the usual canal of her intelligence and interpreting it as the result of his own tenderness for her she congratulated herself on the victory she had obtained and thinking it unnecessary to continue as she had hitherto industriously affected resolved from that day to sweeten her behaviour towards him with such a dash of affection as could not fail to persuade him that he had inspired her with a reciprocal flame in consequence of this determination he was invited to dinner and while he stayed treated with such clawing proofs of her regard that not only the rest of the company but even Trunnion perceived her drift taking the alarm accordingly could not help exclaiming I see how the land lies and if I don't weather the point I'll be damned having thus expressed himself to his afflicted enamorata he made the best of his way to the garrison in which he shut himself up for the space of ten days and had no communication with his friends and domestics but by looks which were most significantly picturesque in the land of Chapter 6 Recording by Martin Giesen in Hazelmere Surrey Chapter 7 of the Adventures of Peregrine Pickle Volume 1 This is a LibriVox recording All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Kalinda The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle Volume 1 Chapter 7 Diverse stratigems are invented and put in practice in order to overcome the obstinacy of Trunnion who had linked this teased and tortured into the noose of wedlock This abrupt departure and unkind declaration affected Mrs. Grizzle so much that she felt sick of sorrow and mortification and after having confined herself to bed for three days sent for her brother told him she perceived her end drawing near and desired that a lawyer might be brought in order to write her last will Mr. Pickle, surprised at her demand began to act the part of a comforter assuring her that her distemper was not at all dangerous and that he would instantly send for a physician who would convince her that she was in no manner of jeopardy so that there was no occasion at present to employ any officious attorney in such a melancholy task Indeed, this affectionate brother was of opinion that a will was together superfluous at any rate as he himself was heir-in-law to his sister's whole, real and personal estate But she insisted on his compliance with such determined obstinacy that he could no longer resist her importunities and, on arriving, she dictated and executed her will in which she bequeathed to Commodore Trunnion one thousand pounds to purchase a mourning ring which she hoped he would wear as a pledge of her friendship and affection However, though he did not much relish this testimony of her love, nevertheless that same evening gave an account of this particular to Mr. Hatchway, who was also, as Mr. Pickle assured him, generously remembered by the testetrics The lieutenant fraught with this piece of intelligence watched for an opportunity and as soon as he perceived the Commodore's features a little unbended from that ferocious contraction they had retained so long that his sister lay at the point of death and that she had left him a thousand pounds in her will This piece of news overwhelmed him with confusion and Mr. Hatchway imputing his silence to remorse resolved to take advantage of that favorable moment and counseled him to go and visit the poor young woman who was dying for love of him But his admonition happened to be somewhat unreasonable Trunnion no sooner heard him mention the cause of her disorder He went out into a violent fit of cursing and forthwith but took himself again to his hammock where he lay uttering in a low growling tone of voice a repetition of oaths and implications for the space of four and twenty hours without ceasing This was a delicious meal to the lieutenant who, eager to enhance the pleasure of the entertainment and at the same time the conduce to the success of the cause he had espoused invented a stratagem the execution of which had all the effect he could desire He prevailed on pipes who was devoted to his service to get on the top of the chimney belonging to the Commodore's chamber at midnight and lower down by a rope a bunch of stinking whitings which being performed he put a speaking trumpet to his mouth and hallowed down the vent in a voice like thunder Trunnion Trunnion turn out and be spliced or he still and be d- This dreadful note, the terror of which was increased by the silence and darkness of the night as well as the cello of the passage through which it was conveyed, no sooner reached the ears of the astonished Commodore than turning his eyes towards the place from whence the solemn address seemed to proceed he beheld a glittering object that vanished in an instant Just as his superstitious fear had improved the apparition into some supernatural messenger clothed in shining array, his opinion was confirmed by a sudden explosion which he took for thunder, though it was no other than the noise of a pistol carried down the chimney by the Boson's mate according to the instructions he had received and he had time enough to descend before he was in any danger of being detected by his Commodore who could not for an hour recollect himself from the amazement and consternation which had overpowered his faculties at length however he got up and rang his bell with great agitation he repeated the summons more than once but no regard being paid to this alarm his dread turned with double terror a cold sweat bedewed his limbs his knees knocked together his hair bristled up and the remains of his teeth were shattered in pieces in the convulsive vibrations of his jaws In the midst of this agony he made one desperate effort and bursting open the door of the apartment bolted into Hatchway's chamber which happened to be on the same floor there he found the lieutenant in a counterfeit swoon who pretended to wake from his trance in an ejaculation of Lord have mercy upon us and being questioned by the terrified Commodore with regard to what had happened assured him he had heard the same voice and clap of thunder by which Trunnion himself had been discomposed Pipes, whose turn it was to watch concurred in giving evidence of the same purpose and the Commodore not only owned that he had heard the voice but likewise communicated his vision with all the aggravation which his disturbed fancy suggested a consultation immediately ensued in which Mr. Hatchway gravely observed that the finger of heaven was plainly perceivable in those signals and that it would be both sinful and foolish to disregard its commands especially as the match proposed was in all respects more advantageous than any that one of his years could reasonably expect declaring that for his own part he would not endanger his soul and body by living one day longer under the same roof with a man who despised the will of heaven and Tom Pipes adhered to the same pious resolution Trunnion's perseverance could not resist the number and diversity of considerations that assaulted it he revolved in silence all the opposite motives that occurred to his reflection and after having been to all appearance bewildered in the labyrinth of his own thoughts he wiped the sweat from his forehead and heaving a piteous groan yielded to their remonstrances in these words well, since it must be so I think we must even grapple but darn my eyes tis a darned hard case that a fellow of my year should be compelled, do you see to beat up to windward all the rest of my life against the current of my own inclination this important article being discussed Mr. Hatchway sent out in the morning to visit the despairing shepherdess and was handsomely rewarded for the enlivening tidings with which he blessed her ears sick as she was she could not help laughing heartily at the contrivance in consequence of which her swain's assent had been obtained and gave the lieutenant ten guineas for Tom Pipes in consideration of the part he acted in the farce in the afternoon the Commodore suffered himself to be conveyed to her apartment like a felon to execution and was received by her in a languishing manner and Gentile des Abiles accompanied by her sister-in-law who was for very obvious reasons extremely solicitous about her success though the lieutenant had tutored him touching his behavior in this interview he made a thousand rye faces before he could pronounce the simple salutation of how dear to his mistress and after his counselor had urged him with twenty or thirty whispers to each of which he had replied aloud darn your eyes I won't he got up and halting towards the couch on which Mrs. Grizzle reclined in a state of strange expectation he seized her hand and pressed it to his lips but this piece of gallantry he performed in such a reluctant, uncouth, indignant manner that the nymph had need of all her resolution to endure the compliment without shrinking and he himself was so disconcerted at what he had done that he instantly retired to the other end of the room where he sat silent and broiled with shame and vexation Mrs. Pickle, like a sensible matron quitted the place on pretense of going to the nursery and Mr. Hatchway, taking the hint recollected that he had left his tobacco pouch in the parlor whether he descended leaving the two lovers to their mutual endearments never had the Commodore found himself in such a disagreeable dilemma before he sat in an agony of suspense as if he every moment dreaded the dissolution of nature and the imploring size of his future bride added, if possible, to the pangs of his distress impatient of this situation he rolled his eye around in quest of some relief and unable to contain himself exclaimed darn seize the fellow and his pouch too I believe he was sheared off by a woman here in the stays Mrs. Grizzle, who could not help taking some notice of this manifestation of chagrin lamented her unhappy fate in being so disagreeable to him that he could not put up with her company for a few moments without repining and began in very tender terms to reproach him with his inhumanity and indifference to this expostulation he replied Zounds, what would the woman have let the parson do his office when he will here I am ready to be reaved to the ceremonial block do you see and darn all nonsensical paliver so saying he retreated leaving his mistress not at all disabliged at his plain dealing that same evening the treaty of marriage was brought upon the carpet and by means of Mr. Pickle and the lieutenant settled to the satisfaction of all parties without the intervention of lawyers whom Mr. Trunnion expressly excluded from all share in his business making that condition the indispensable preliminary of the whole agreement things being brought to this bearing Mrs. Grizzle's heart dilated with joy her health, which by the by was never dangerously impaired she recovered as if by enchantment and a day being fixed for the nuptials employed the short period of her celibacy in choosing ornaments for the celebration of her entrance into the married state End of Chapter 7 Recording by Kalinda in Lüneburg, Germany on March 14, 2009 Chapter 8 of the Adventures of Peregrine Pickle Volume 1 This is a LibriVox recording All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Kalinda The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle Volume 1 by Tobias Smollett Chapter 8 Preparations are made for the Commodore's wedding which is delayed by an accident that occurred to him, the Lord knows with her The fame of this extraordinary conjunction spread all over the county and on the day appointed for their spousals the church was surrounded by an inconceivable multitude The Commodore, to give a specimen of his gallantry by the advice of his friend Hatchway resolved to appear on horseback on the grand occasion at the head of all his male attendants whom he had rigged with the white shirts and black caps formerly belonging to his barge's crew he brought a couple of hunters for the accommodation of himself and his lieutenant With this equipage then he set out from the garrison for the church after having dispatched a messenger to apprise the bride that he and his company were mounted She got immediately into the coach accompanied by her brother and his wife and drove directly to the place of Ascignation where several pews were demolished and diverse persons almost pressed to death by the eagerness of the crowd that broke in to see the ceremony performed Thus arrived at the altar and the priests in attendance they waited a whole half hour for the Commodore at whose slowness they began to be under some apprehension and accordingly dismissed a servant to quicken his pace The valet having ridden something more than a mile aspired the whole troop disposed in a long field crossing the road obliquely and headed by the bridegroom and his friend Hatchway who, finding himself hindered by a hedge from proceeding farther in the same direction fired a pistol and stood over to the other side making an obtuse angle with the line of his former course and the rest of the squadron followed his example keeping always in the rear of each other like a flight of wild geese Surprised at this strange method of journeying the messenger came up and told the Commodore that his lady and her company expected him in the church where they had tarried a considerable time and were beginning to be very uneasy at his delay and therefore desired he would proceed with more expedition To this message, Mr. Trunnion replied Hark ye, brother, don't you see we make all possible speed go back and tell those who sent you that the wind has shifted since we weighed anchor and that we are obliged to make very short trips in tacking by reason of the narrowness of the channel and that as we be within six points of the wind they must make some allowance for variation and leeway Lord Sir said the valet what occasion have you to go zigzag in that manner do but clap spurs to your horses and ride straight forward and I'll engage you shall be at the church porch in less than a quarter of an hour What? right in the wind's eye answered the Commodore a hey brother where did you learn your navigation Howzer Trunnion is not to be taught at this time of day how to lie his course or keep his own reckoning and as for you brother you best know the trim of your own frigate the courier finding he had to do with people who would not be easily persuaded out of their own opinions returned to the temple and made a report of what he had seen and heard to the no small consolation of the bride who had begun to discover some signs of disquiet composed however by this piece of intelligence she exerted her patience for the space of another half hour during which period seeing no bridegroom arrive she was exceedingly alarmed so that all the spectators could easily perceive her perturbation which manifested itself in frequent palpitations heart heavings and alterations of countenance in spite of the assistance of a smelling bottle which she incessantly applied to her nostrils various were the conjectures of the company on this occasion some imagined he had mistaken the place of rendezvous as he had never been at church since he first settled in that parish others believed he had met with some accident in consequence of which his attendants had carried him back to his own house and a third set in which the bride herself was thought to be comprehended could not help suspecting that the Commodore had changed his mind but all these suppositions ingenious as they were happened to be wide of the true cause that detained him which was no other than this the Commodore and his crew had by dint of turning almost weathered the parson's house that stood to windward of the church when the notes of a pack of hound unluckily reached the ears of the two hunters which Trunnion and the Lieutenant bestowed these fleet animals no sooner heard the enlivening sound then eager for the chase they sprang away all of a sudden and strained every nerve to partake of the sport flew across the fields with incredible speed over leaped hedges and ditches and everything in their way without the least regard to their unfortunate riders the Lieutenant whose steed had got the heels of the other finding it would be great folly and presumption in him to pretend to keep the saddle with his wooden leg very wisely took the opportunity of throwing himself off in his passage through a field of rich clover among which he lay at his ease unseeing his captain advancing at full gallop hailed him with the salutation of what cheer! ho! the Commodore who was in infinite distress eyeing him as scant as he passed replied with a faltering voice oh darn ye, you are safe at anchor I wish to God I were as fast moored nevertheless conscious of his disabled heel he would not venture to try the experiment which had succeeded so well with Hatchway but resolved to stick as close as possible to his horse's back until Providence should interpose in his behalf with this view he dropped his whip and with his right hand laid fast hold on the pommel contracting every muscle in his body to secure himself in the seat and grinning most formidable in consequence of this exertion in this attitude he was hurried on a considerable way when all of a sudden his view was comforted by a five bar gate that appeared before him as he never doubted that there the career of his hunter must necessarily end but alas he reckoned without his host far from halting at this obstruction the horse sprang over it with amazing agility to the utter confusion and disorder of his owner who lost his hat and periwig in the leap and now began to think in good earnest that he was actually mounted on the back of the devil he recommended himself to God his reflections forsook him his eyesight and all his other senses failed he quitted the reins and fastened by instinct on the mane was in this condition conveyed into the midst of the sportsmen who were astonished at the sight of such an apparition neither was there a surprise to be wondered at if we reflect on the figure that presented itself to their view the Commodore's person was at all times an object of admiration much more so on this occasion than it was anticipated by the circumstances of his dress and disaster he had put on in honor of his nuptials his best coat of blue broadcloth cut by a tailor of ramsgate and trimmed with five dozen of brass buttons large and small his breeches were of the same piece fastened at the knees with large benches of tape his waistcoat was of red plush lapeled with green velvet and garnished with vellum holes his boots bore an infinite resemblance both in color and shape and in pockets his shoulder was graced with a broad buff belt from whence depended a huge hanger with a hilt like that of a back-sword and on each side of his pommel appeared a rusty pistol rammed in a case covered with a bare skin the loss of his tie periwig and lace hat which were curiosities of the kind did not at all contribute to the improvement of the picture but on the contrary by exhibiting his bald paint and the natural extension of his lantern jaws added to the peculiarity and extravagance of the whole such a spectacle could not have failed of diverting the whole company from the chase had his horse thought proper to pursue a different route but the beast was too keen a sporter to choose any other way than that which the stag followed and therefore without stopping to gratify the curiosity of the spectators he in a few minutes outstripped every hunter in the field there being a deep hollow betwixt him and the hounds rather than ride around about the length of a furlong in a path that crossed the lane he transported himself at one jump to the unspeakable astonishment and terror of a wagoner who chanced to be underneath and saw this phenomenon fly over his carriage this was not the only adventure he achieved the stag having taken a deep river that lay in his way every man directed his course to a bridge in the neighborhood but our bridegroom's coarser despising all such conveniences plunged into the stream without hesitation and swam in a twinkling to the opposite shore this sudden immersion into an element of which Trunnion was properly a native in all probability helped to recruit the exhausted spirits of his rider at his landing on the other side gave some tokens of sensation by hallowing a loud for assistance which he could not possibly receive because his horse still maintained the advantage he had gained and would not allow himself to be overtaken in short after a long chase that lasted several hours and extended to a dozen miles at least he was the first in at the death of the deer being seconded by the lieutenant's gilding which actuated by the same spirit had without a rider followed his companion's example our bridegroom finding himself at last brought up or in other words at the end of his career took the opportunity of this first pause to desire the huntsman would lend him a hand in dismounting and by their condescension safely placed on the grass where he sat staring at the company as they came in with such wildness of astonishment in his looks as if he had been a creature of another species dropped among them from the clouds before they had fleshed the hounds however he recollected himself and seeing one of the sportsmen take a small flask out of his pocket and apply it to his mouth judged the cordial to be no other than neat cognac which it really was and expressing a desire of participation was immediately accommodated with a moderate dose which perfectly completed his recovery by this time he and his two horses had engrossed the attention of the whole crowd while some admired the elegant proportion and uncommon spirit of the two animals the rest contemplated the surprising appearance of their master whom before they had only seen en passant and at length one of the gentlemen accosting him very courteously signified his wonder at seeing him in such an equipage and asked if he had not dropped his companion by the way why look ye brother? replied the Commodore may have you think me an odd sort although seeing me in this trim especially as I have lost part of my rigging but this here is the case do you see I weighed anchor from my own house this morning at ten a.m. with fair weather and a favorable breeze at south southeast being bound to the next church on the voyage of matrimony but how some ever we had not run down a quarter of a league when the wind shifting blowed directly in our teeth so that we were forced to tack all the way do you see and had almost been up within sight of the port when these sons of bitches of horses which I had bought but two days before for my own part I believe that they are devils incarnate left round in a trice and then refusing the helm drove away like lightning with me and my lieutenant who soon came to anchor in an exceeding good berth as for my own part I have been carried over rocks and quicksands among which I have pitched away a special good tie periwig and an iron bound hat and at last thank God and got into smooth water and safe riding but if ever I venture my carcass upon such a harem scarum blood of a bitch again my name is not hossard trunnion darn my eyes one of the company struck with this name which lie had often heard immediately laid hold on his declaration at the close of this singular account and observing that his horses were very vicious asked how he intended to return as for that matter replied Mr. Trunnion I am resolved to hire a sledge or wagon or such a thing as a jackass for I'll be darned if I ever cross the back of a horse again and what do you propose to do with these creatures said the other pointing to the hunters they seem to have some metal but then they are mere cults and will take the devil and all of breaking me thinks this hinder one is shoulder slipped darn them cried the gamadore I wish both their necks were broke though the two cost me forty good yellow boys forty guineas exclaimed the stranger who was a squire and a jockey as well as owner of the pack Lord Lord how a man may be imposed upon why these cattle are clumsy enough to go plow mind what a flat counter do but observe how sharp this here one is in the withers then he's fired in the further fetlock in short this connoisseur and horse flesh having discovered in them all the defects which can possibly be found in this species of animal offered to give him ten guineas for the two saying he would convert them into beasts of burden the owner who after what had happened was very well disposed to listen to anything that was said to their prejudice implicitly believe the truth of the stranger's asseverations discharged a furious volley of oaths against the rascal who had taken him in and forthwith struck a bargain with the squire who paid him instantly for his purchase in consequence of which he won the plate at the next canterbury races this affair being transacted to the mutual satisfaction of both parties as well as to the general entertainment of the company who laughed in their sleeves at the dexterity of their friend trunnion was set upon the squire's own horse and led by his servant in the midst of this cavalcade which proceeded to a neighbouring village where they had bespoke dinner and where our bridegroom found means to provide himself with another hat and wig with regard to his marriage he bore his disappointment with the temper of a philosopher and the exercise he had undergone having quickened his appetite sat down at table in the midst of his new acquaintance making a very hearty meal and moistening every morsel with a draught of ale which he found very much to his satisfaction End of Chapter 8 Recording by Kalinda in Lüneburg, Germany on March 21, 2009