 May 6th, 2016, a day that will forever go down in infamy. Captain America Civil War hit theaters and fans of the MCU were clamoring to see this film on the big screen, myself included. And even though the film did live up to the promise of superheroes coming together to kick the shit out of each other, the real war was happening in the very theater I was in. I regaled this tale years ago after the events transpired. Here we are, though, years later, and it's still sitting inside me. It's still haunting me. I know I'm beating around the dick a lot. Well, what happened, Adam? What's so horrible about your movie experience that you've not only told the story once, but now twice? Well, first off, somehow I lost the initial telling. It's gone. It's nowhere to be found. It's lost in the ether. So this right here, right now, is the only evidence of what happened that night. Everything started out cherry. Everything was going to plan. I had my tickets pre-bought, friends were meeting me there. I was on time. I was actually quite a bit early for this. I was excited. The impending storm came down as rain tattered on my windshield. I pulled into the parking lot, rushing to the door, holding a fictitious bunch of books over my head like I'm running into a college class. I run into the theater. I'm sopping wet now, head to toe. I'm wringing out my shirt. I have water all over the floor. A big puddle of it. This stuff might not have happened. I'm building up drama, but we'll get to the meat of it in a second. I see my friends. We're talking. We're having a good time. We're laughing, conversing about what may happen in the film. Is War Machine gonna die? Is Iron Man or Captain America gonna die? Turns out there's very little stakes. But we didn't know going in, so it was very exciting. It was an exciting time. When I go into the theater, I like to do a cursory glance of the situation in front of me. It's a packed house. This faithful night, it's a lot of people of all walks of life are here. And even though there was a storm outside, the perfect storm was brewing right in front of my very eyes. What I was witnessing was a tinderbox of awful individuals just ready to make me blow. Ready for my top to explode in a rage of fury unlike any ever seen before. So what do we have to work with? Well, for starters, we have the fanboys right behind me. I'd say about three rows back. Still enough for me to hear them whisper every fucking thing they're thinking throughout the entire two and a half hour film. The hardcore Marvel fans brought their girlfriends with. And guess what, folks? The girlfriends don't watch the Marvel movies. They have no idea what's going on. They're going to be a problem, I think to myself. They're going to be a problem adjacent to me. Just down the same aisle, the same row that I'm in, is a father and his two kids. Harmless, right? I took his sons out to see the film. They look a little young, maybe. I'm not judging. I got kids. I've taken them to pretty violent films, but they look young. You know, five years old, six years old, somewhere around there. A few rows up. As the crow flies, I see a couple with a newborn baby. That's certainly going to be an issue. As of now, the baby's quietly asleep. As of now. Last and certainly not least is the phone community. The people that just have to be on their phones. You know, before the movie starts, okay, fine. Once the previews are going, I guess, but kind of annoyed. But once that first intro shot queues up, those phones better be fucking off. Or I'm going to be set off. Light them up now, boys, because I'm about to light you up. So we have a cavalcade of different dipshits in this theater that's full to the brim. Packed, stacked, ready to crack. That's not an expression, but I made it one, because I'm about to crack some skulls. Tornados and storms have different levels. F1 through, I believe, F5. I don't know if an F6 has ever happened. We got to an F10 at the theater that night. F10. Right out of the gates, we're at an F2, as the phones are coming out five minutes into the film. What are they doing? I don't know. Checking Facebook. Remember Facebook, when that was a thing that teenagers used to be on? It's bizarre that it was only a few years ago. It's crazy. Man, what a pile of shit service. Anyway, the phones are out. I'm starting to get mad, but I'm going to leave it. It's still early on. Maybe they just had to quickly shut something off, right? Maybe it was just a quick courtesy check. Like, oh good, the audio's off. I'm not going to be a rude prick throughout this film. Spoiler, he is. Not much after that we're already at an F3, as the kids a few rows back are constantly having to explain who people are. Yeah, that's T'Challa. T'Challa's actually Black Panther. You don't know that yet, but I do because I read comics! That's Falcon. Falcon was in Captain America Winter Soldier. He's good friends, arguably best friends with Steve Rogers. Besides Bucky, but Bucky's maybe dead, maybe not. No, Bucky's going to be in this one. He's the Winter Soldier that I was referring to. Strap in, sweetie. Can we have sex later today? No, because you're not leaving this theater! The father's kids have those light up sneakers. What a great invention. Sneakers that are not only loud, but light up! Again, I'm about to light these kids up! They're kicking the seat in front of them the entire goddamn movie! And every time they do it, fireworks from their shoes. Little Katy Perry's popping off. I keep doing one of these. Dad doesn't look over once. Can't be bothered. He's enjoying the film. He's so far checked out from his own children, nothing's going to faze him. You think kids kicking the seat in front of their father's a big deal? This guy's been through three marriages already. He took his kids to the film stag! There's no woman to be found in his life, no man to be found in his life. No one wants to be with this piece of shit. Except for those two little demon spawns. The two hellions that he brought with. That like nothing more than to loudly kick seats and light up the whole row. We're at the airport sequence. Holy shit, we're making it through this movie, okay? And I'm already at an F6 tornado, folks. We did it. We get an F6 already. And now the crinkling comes out. That's the other crew I didn't tell you about earlier. The crinkle crew. I can't for the life of me understand why movie theaters sell candy that has plastic designed by NASA around it. You got a bunch of crunch with cellophane that makes the loudest fucking noise on the planet. And these people don't know how to take it off. So it's just... Kids, kids kicking the seat. Douchebag checking his phone. Nerds talking to the girls again. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. It's like everyone in the theater went up to the concession stand, looked around and said, Hey, what are the most annoying candies you have here? Preferably things that I can shake that have all sorts of wrappings around them. And they're impossible to get off. So I'll only do like half the wrapping and keep the rest of that on there so it can constantly make noises. Make sure to give me the large bucket of popcorn that I'm gonna share with the entire row. Constantly pass back and forth. Maybe argue about who's had more of it. Dig our grubby hands in. Fill our fat faces up. Oh, but you also have slushies here. I gotta have a slushie. I can't decide between the loud obnoxious candy or the slushie that I'm gonna finish 20 minutes into the film but then continue to nurse it like there's still some left for the next 45. Just constantly... Oh, look who decided nap time's over. Little baby Bastion's woken up and he's crying the rest of the film. Once in a while the dad takes the baby out just like, I can't believe I burdened myself with this child. And then he comes back in five minutes later like somehow that fixed the problem and then five minutes after that, baby Bastion's crying again. Well, baby Bastion's not gonna be crying much longer, mom and dad because I have a surefire cure for him. Death. As the film comes to a close my anger rises to that of a mythical beast and I am beyond furious now. We've hit the F10 the holy grail of tornadoes. I turned over to the father as the credits started to come up. He still ignored me and his kids who continuously kicked the seats. For a few more seconds he sat there watching the credits not knowing what was about to be falling him. He felt a tap on his shoulder. He was confused at first but he quickly understood what I meant when I punched him in the back of the head and the fall forward and the straw impales into his skull. Doesn't kill him, but it sure is painful. Not as painful as what I'm about to do to the bitch. One of his dumb kids starts to go in for another kick of the chair but stops short because I grab his ankle and whoosh! I drop the elbow on him causing the bone to pull through the side of the skin. I take the bone, whoosh! I pull it out, whoosh! I stab the kid in the chest. I look him right in the eyes as he starts to fall down in his own blood and filth. I just leave him there on the ground. I look over at the father who's completely dumbfounded as to what happened. It's the first time he's ever paid attention to the piece of shit. I take the second kid. I grab him. I pull him in close. I hold him like this in a choker. The dad's looking at me like mm-mm-mm-mm! Straw coming out. Some drops of slushy oozing off the side which is quite ironic because I swear he finished that thing fucking hour ago. He was slurping around for nothing. He watches as the kids eyes start to go and I look at him and I think YOU DON'T THINK I'LL DO IT! YOU DON'T THINK I'LL DO IT! He's like, no, not like this. Not like this. And I go, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. That's what I was thinking the whole movie. That's what I do. Snap it. Right in front of them. He starts to cry but his tears won't last much longer. I jam the straw all the way through his head. He's gonzo. Done. People are starting to realize what's happening now but they don't have much time because I quickly jump backwards to a butterfly roundhouse kick into the side of a kid's jaw. One of the nerds that was talking about T'Challa he's gonna be joining him soon. He gets hit in the side of the face. He does about 16 posey flips down the side of the aisle. What's a posey flip? What's a butterfly roundhouse? I don't know. I'm on the fly telling you this story that I'm regaling this tale of all. The girls look over and they're like Johnny. And I'm like Wipe out. Two Taylor Swift punches each. These little pop princesses go down harder than they would have if they would have figured out what the movie was about with their boyfriends but that's not gonna happen ladies. Sorry fellas. Ladies leave you man at home. The other two dweebs there are like No! We haven't finished watching the end credits yet. I take the cellophane rapping from some of the candy boxes. I wrap it around one of the kids' heads. Like this. When I pull he's like and he goes down. He goes down hard. The other kid tries to beeline it for the door. I grab a bunch of crunch box. Dead. Instant. The parents with the crying baby try to scoot away but as they're making it for the exit I'm already standing there. Like this. Now wearing a robe with a hoodie and all they see. All the baby sees in the eye is the the green lightsaber come up in the reflection. And that scene's over. Some people think Anakin's the hero of Star Wars. I don't! But I also don't care because they pushed me too far Padme. They pushed me too far. I walk back into the theater where the adult phone people are still at. I knew they'd still be there. They got nothing better to do than to just sit there and scroll and look at their stupid lives or their fake lives online. And I just wait. I give them one of these. I'm surrounded. And this is where an action scene starts. They throw a punch. In slow motion I look. Break his arm. Drop an elbow. Dead. The other one throws a punch behind me. Also misses. I give him a kiss from the rose. Break his arm with my head. Finger in the eye. Throw him over my back into another guy. The fourth person comes up. I throw him into the air. He goes through the theater screen. Blows up. Now the whole place is on fire. There's stuff falling from the ceiling. People are running out, screaming and yelling. Others are coward in the corner. Why? Why? Because you ruined my movie experience, you dumbass. That's why. A few more people try to be heroes when it doesn't go well. Fear from. And I woke up from my glorious dream where I was just with my quiet friends in the theater watching Captain America Civil War in peace. There is no peace in war though. It's the opposite of peace, right? Well, there it is. My Captain America Civil War retelling. It wasn't a pretty thing to remember. It wasn't a fun day to reminisce about, but it happened. It's all real. It's all true. Every little bit of that is true. Thank you for watching. I hope it lived up to your expectations. I know some people are pretty bummed out that the original was lost. Never to be found again. But now we have at least this on file. We have something to look back on and say, you know what? This happened. Adam remembers. He'll never forget. And now neither will we. If you made it this far, make sure to like the video if you haven't. Subscribe as I put out multiple videos a week. Movie reviews. Rants of this nature. Just anything that comes to mind. And hopefully I'll see you next time. Words do a butterfly roundhouse kick into the side of a kid's jaw. One of the nerds that was talking about T'Challa. He's going to be joining him soon. Okay, that was way too much. Wow, that was... That was too much. I apologize. He gets hit in the side of the face. He does about 16 posey flips.