 Section 20 The Private Memoirs and Confessions of a Sinner Written by himself by James Hogg This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org As we emerged from the shadowy lane into the fair moonshine, I started so that my whole frame underwent the most chilling vibrations of surprise. I again thought I had been taken at unawares and was conversing with another person. My friend was equipped in the Highland Garb, and so completely translated into another being that, saved by his speech, all the senses of mankind could not have recognized him. I blessed myself and asked whom it was his pleasure to personify tonight. He answered me carelessly that it was a spark whom he meant should bear the blame of whatever might fall out tonight, and that was all that passed on the subject. We proceeded by some stone steps at the foot of the North Lock, in hot argument all the way. I was afraid that our conversation might be overheard, for the night was calm and almost as light as day, and we saw sundry people crossing us as we advanced. But the zeal of my friend was so high that he disregarded all danger, and continued to argue fiercely and loudly on my delinquency as he was pleased to call it. I stood on one argument alone, which was that I did not think the scripture promises to the elect, taken in their utmost latitude, warranted the assurance that they could do no wrong, and that therefore it behooved every man to look well to his steps. There was no religious scruple that irritated my enlightened friend and master so much as this. He could not endure it, and the sentiments of our great, covenanted reformers being on his side, there is not a doubt that I was wrong. He lost all patience on hearing what I advanced on this matter, and taking hold of me, he led me into a darksome booth in a confined entry, and after a friendly but cutting reproach, he bade me remain there in secret and watch the event. And if I fall, said he, you will not fail to avenge my death. I was so entirely overcome with vexation that I could make no answer, on which he left me abruptly, a prey to despair, and I saw or heard no more till he came down to the moonlight green followed by my brother. They had quarreled before they came within my hearing, for the first words I heard were those of my brother, who was in a state of intoxication, and he was urging a reconciliation, as was his want on such occasions. My friend spurned at the suggestion, and dared him to the combat, and after a good deal of boastful altercation, which the turmoil of my spirits prevented me from remembering, my brother was compelled to draw his sword and stand on the defensive. It was a desperate and terrible engagement. I at first thought that the royal stranger and great champion of the faith would overcome his opponent with ease, for I considered heaven as on his side, and nothing but the arm of sinful flesh against him. But I was deceived. The sinner stood firm as a rock, while the assailant flitted about like a shadow, or rather like a spirit. I smiled inwardly, conceiving that these lightsome maneuvers were all a sham to show off his art and mastership in the exercise, and that, whenever they came too close fairly, that instant my brother would be overcome. Still I was deceived. My brother's arm seemed invincible, so that the closer they fought, the more palpably did it prevail. They fought round the green to the very edge of the water, and so round till they came close up to the covert where I stood. There being no more room to shift ground, my brother then forced him to come to close quarters, on which, the former still having the decided advantage, my friend quitted his sword and called out. I could resist no longer, so springing from my concealment, I rushed between them with my sword drawn, and parted them as if they had been two schoolboys. Then turning to my brother, I addressed him as follows, Wretch, miscreant, knowest thou with thou art attempting? Wouldest thou lay thy hand on the Lord's anointed, or shed his precious blood? Turn thee to me, that I may chastise thee for all thy wickedness, and not for the many injuries thou hast done to me. To it we went, with full thirst of vengeance on every side. The duel was fierce, but the might of heaven prevailed, and not my might. The ungodly and reprobate young man fell covered with wounds, and with curses and blasphemy in his mouth, while I escaped uninjured. There to his power extended not. I will not deny that my own immediate impressions of this affair in some degree differed from this statement. But this is precisely as my illustrious friend described it to be afterwards, and I can rely implicitly on his information, as he was at that time a looker on, and my senses, all in a state of agitation, and he could have no motive for saying what was not the positive truth. Never till my brother was down did we perceive that there had been witnesses to the whole business. Our ears were then astounded by rude challenges of unfair play, which were quite appalling to me. But my friend laughed at them and conducted me off in perfect safety. As to the unfairness of the transaction, I can say thus much, that my royal friend's sword was down or ever mine was presented. But if it still be accounted unfair to take up a conqueror, and punish him in his own way, I answer, that if a man is sent on a positive mission by his master, and hath laid himself under vows to do his work, he ought not to be too nice in the means of accomplishing it. And further, I appeal to holy writ, wherein many instances are recorded of the pleasure the Lord takes in the final extinction of the wicked and profane, and this position I take to be unanswerable. I was greatly disturbed in my mind for many days knowing that the transaction had been witnessed, and sensible also of the perilous situation I occupied, owing to the late judgment of the court against me. But on the contrary, I never saw my enlightened friend in such high spirits. He assured me there was no danger, and again repeated that he warranted my life against the power of man. I thought proper, however, to remain in hiding for a week. But as he said, to my utter amazement, the blame fell on another who was not only accused, but pronounced guilty by the general voice, and outlawed for non-appearance. How could I doubt, after this, that the hand of heaven was aiding and abetting me? The matter was beyond my comprehension, and as for my friend, he never explained anything that was past, but his activity and art were without parallel. He enjoyed our success mightily, and for his sake I enjoyed it somewhat, but it was on account of his comfort only. For I could not for my life perceive in what degree the church was better or purer than before these deeds were done. He continued to flatter me with great things, as to honors, fame, and emolument, and above all with the blessing and protection of him to whom my body and soul were dedicated. But after these high promises, I got no longer peace. For he began to urge the death of my father with such an unremitting earnestness, that I found I had nothing for it but to comply. I did so, and cannot express his enthusiasm of approbation. So much did he hurry and press me in this, that I was forced to devise some of the most openly violent measures, having no alternative. Then spared me the deed, taking in that instance the vengeance in its own hand. For before my arm could affect a sanguine but meritorious act, the old man followed his son to the grave. My illustrious and zealous friend seemed to regret this somewhat, but he comforted himself with the reflection that still I had the merit of it. Not only consented to it, but in fact affected it. For by doing the one action I had brought about both. No sooner were the obsequies of the funeral over than my friend and I went to Dahl Castle, and took undisputed possession of the houses, lands, and effects that had been my father's. But his plate and vast treasures of ready money he had bestowed on a voluptuous and unworthy creature, who had lived long with him as a mistress. Fain when I have sent her after her lover, and gave my friend some hints on the occasion. But he only shook his head, and said that we must lay all selfish and interested motives out of the question. For a long time, when I awakened in the morning, I could not believe my senses, that I was indeed the undisputed and sole proprietor of so much wealth and grandeur. And I felt so much gratified that I immediately said about doing all the good I was able, hoping to meet with all approbation and encouragement for my friend. I was mistaken. He checked the very first impulses towards such a procedure, questioned my motives, and uniformly made them out to be wrong. There was one morning that a servant said to me there was a lady in the back chamber who wanted to speak with me, but he could not tell me who it was. For all the old servants had left the mansion. Only one on hearing of the death of the late Laird, and those who had come knew none of the people in the neighborhood. From several circumstances, I had suspicions of private confabulations with women, and refused to go to her, but bid the servant inquire what she wanted. She would not tell. She could only state the circumstances to me. So I, being sensible that a little dignity of manner became me in my elevated situation, returned for answer that, if it was business that could not be transacted by my steward, it must remain untransacted. The answer which the servant brought back was of a threatening nature. She stated she must see me, and if I refused her satisfaction there, she would compel it where I should not invite her. My friend and director appeared pleased with my dilemma, and rather advised that I should hear what the woman had to say, on which I consented, provided she would deliver her mission in his presence. She came with manifest signs of anger and indignation, and began with a bold and direct charge against me of a shameful assault on one of her daughters. Of having used the basis of means in order to lead her aside from the paths of rectitude, and on the failure of these, of having resorted to the most unqualified measures, I denied the charge in all its bearings, assuring the dame that I had never so much as seen either of her daughters to my knowledge, far less wronged them, on which she got into great wrath and abused me to my face as an accomplished vagabond, hypocrite, and sensualist. And she went so far as to tell me roundly that if I did not marry her daughter, she would bring me to the gallows, and that in a very short time. Marry your daughter, honest woman, said I. On the faith of a Christian, I never saw your daughter, and you may rest assured in this, that I will neither marry you nor her. Do you consider how short a time I have been in this place? How much that time has been occupied? And how there was even a possibility that I could have accomplished such villainies? And how long does your Christian reverence suppose you have remained in this place since the late Laird's death, said she? That is too well known to need recapitulation, said I. Only a very few days, though I cannot at present specify the exact number, perhaps from thirty to forty or so. But in all that time, sir days, I have never seen either you or any of your two daughters that you talk of. You must be quite sensible of that. My friend shook his head three times during this short sentence, while the woman held up her hands in amazement and disgust, exclaiming. There goes the self-righteous one. There goes the consecrated youth, who cannot air. You, sir, know, and the world shall know, of the faith that is in the most just, devout, and religious miscreant. Can you deny that you have already been in this place four months and seven days? Or that, in that time, you have been forbidden my house twenty times? Or that you have preserved in your endeavors to affect the beset and most ungenerous of purposes? Or that you have attained them, hypocrite and deceiver as you are? Yes, sir, I say, dare you deny that you have attained your vile, selfish, and degrading purposes towards a young, innocent, and unsuspecting creature, and thereby ruined a poor widow's only hope in this world? No, you cannot look in my face and deny ought of this. The woman is raving mad, said I. You, illustrious sir, know that, in the first instance, I have not yet been in this place one month. My friend shook his head again and answered me. You are wrong, my dear friend. You are wrong. It is indeed the space of time that the lady hath stated to a day, since you came here, and I came with you. And I am sorry that I know for certain that you have been frequently haunting her house, and have often had private correspondence with one of the young ladies, too. Of the nature of it, I presume not to know. You are mocking me, said I. But as well may you try to reason me out of my existence as to convince me that I have been here even one month, or that any of those things you would ledge against me has the shadow of truth or evidence to support it. I will swear to you, by the great God that made me, and by, hold, thou most abandoned profligate, cried she violently, and do not add perjury to your other detestable crimes. Do not, for mercy's sake, any more profane that name of whose attributes you have rested and disgraced. But tell me what reparation you propose offering to my injured child. I again declare, before heaven woman, that to the best of my knowledge and recollection, I never saw your daughter. I now think I have some faint recollection of having seen your face, but where, or in what place, puzzles me quite. And why, said she, because for months and days you have been in such a state of extreme inability that your time has gone over like a dream that has been forgotten. I believe that from the day you came first to my house you have been in a state of utter delirium, and that principally from the fumes of wine and ardent spirits. It is a manifest falsehood, said I. I have never, since I entered on the possession of doll castle, tasted wine or spirits, saving once a few evenings ago, and I confess to my shame that I was led too far, but I have craved forgiveness and obtained it. I take my noble and distinguished friend there for a witness to the truth of what I assert. A man who has done more and sacrificed more for the sake of genuine Christianity than any this world contains. Him you will believe. I hope you have attained forgiveness, said he seriously. Indeed, it would be next to blasphemy to doubt it. But of late, you have been very much addicted to intemperance. I doubt if from the first night you tasted the delights of drunkenness that you have ever again been in your right mind until Monday last. Doubtless you have been for a good while most diligent in your addresses to this lady's daughter. This is unaccountable, said I. It is impossible that I can have been doing a thing and not doing it at the same time. But indeed, honest woman, there have several incidents occurred to me in the course of my life which persuade me I have a second self or that there is some other being who appears in my likeness. Here, my friend interrupted me with a sneer and a hint that I was talking insanely. And then he added, turning to the lady. I know my friend Mr. Calwayne will do what is just and right. Go and bring the young lady to him that he may see her and he will then recollect all his former amours with her. I humbly beg your pardon, sir, said I. But the mention of such a thing as amours with any woman existing to me is really so absurd. So far from my principles, so from the purity of nature in frame to which I was born and consecrated. That I hold it as an insult and regard it with contempt. I would have said more in reprobation of such an idea had not my servant entered and said that a gentleman wanted to see me on business. Being glad of an opportunity of getting quit of my lady visitor, I ordered the servant to show him in. And forthwith, a little lean gentleman with a long aculine nose and a bald head dogged all over with powder and palmitin entered. I thought I recollected having seen him too but could not remember his name. Though he spoke to me with the greatest familiarity. At least that sort of familiarity that an official person generally assumes. He bustled about and about speaking to everyone but declined listening for a single moment to any. The lady offered to withdraw but he stopped her. No, no, Mrs. Keeler, you need not go. You need not go. You must not go, madam. The business I came about concerns you, yes, that it does. Bad business, y'all know walkers, eh? Could not help it, did all I could. Mr. Ringham, done your business. Have it all cut and dry here, sir. No, this is not it. Having it among them, though. I'm a little lost for your name, sir, addressing my friend. Seeing you very often, though, exceedingly often, quite well acquainted with you. No, sir, you are not, said my friend sternly. The intruder never regarded him, never so much as lifted his eyes from his bundle of law papers among which he was bustling with great hurry and importance, but went on. Impossible. Have seen a face very like it then. What did you say your name was, sir? Very like it indeed. Is it not the young lad who was murdered whom you resemble so much? Here, Mrs. Keeler uttered a scream which so much startled me that it seems I grew pale and on looking at my friend's face, there was something struck me so forcibly in the likeness between him and my late brother that I had verily nearly fainted. The woman exclaimed that it was my brother's spirit that stood beside me. Impossible, exclaimed the attorney. At least, I hope not. Else his signature is not worth the pin. There was some balance due on your own business, madam. Do you wish you were count? Because I have it here, ready discharged, and it does not suit letting such things lie over. This business of Mr. Colwaynes will be a severe one on you, madam, rather a severe one. What business of mine, if it be your will, sir, said I. For my part, I never engaged you in business of any sort, less or more. He never regarded me, but went on. You may appeal, though, yes, yes. There are such things as appeals for the refractory. Here it is, gentlemen. Here they are altogether. Here is, in the first place, sir, your power of attorney, regularly warranted, sealed, and signed with your own hand. I declare solemnly that I never signed that document, said I. Aye, aye, the system of denial is not a bad one in general, said my attorney. But at present, there is no occasion for it. You do not deny your own hand. I deny everything connected with the business, cried I. I disclaim it in todo. And declare that I know no more about it than the child unborn. This is exceedingly good, exclaimed he. I like your pertinacity, vastly. I have three of your letters and three of your signatures. That part is all settled. And I hope so is the whole affair, for here is the original grant to your father, which he has never thought proper to put in requisition. Simple, gentlemen. But here have I, lawyer Lincoln, in one hundredth part of the time that any other notary, writer, attorney, or writer of the signet in Britain would have done it. Procured the signature of his majesty's commissioner and thereby confirmed the charter to you and your house, sir, forever and ever. Begging your pardon, madam. The lady, as well as myself, tried several times to interrupt the lequacity of Lincoln. But in vain, he only raised his hand with a quick flourish and went on. Here it is! James, by the grace of God, King of Britain, France and Ireland, to his right trusty cousin, Sendith, greeting. And, whereas his right leal and trustworthy cousin, George Cowayne of Dog Castle and Bell Brennan, hath suffered great losses and undergone much hardship on behalf of his majesty's rights and titles. He, therefore, for himself and as prince and steward of Scotland and by the consent of his right trusty cousins and counselors, hereby grants to the said George Cowayne his heirs and assignees whatsoever. Heredably and irrevocably, all inhale the lands and others underwritten. To wit, all inhale the five-mark land of Kipplerig, the five-pound land of Easter-Knockward, with all the towers, forticles, manor places, houses, biggings, yards, orchards, toffs, crops, mills, woods, fishings, mooses, mirrors, meadows, commodities, pasturages, coals, coals, hues, tenets, tenetries, service-of-free tenets, annexes, connexes, dependencies, parts, pinnacles, and pertinence of the same whatsoever. To be peaceably brook'd, joic'd, set, used, and disposed of by him and his aboves as specified. Heredably and irrevocably, in all time coming, and in testimony thereof, his majesty for himself, and as Prince Stuart of Scotland, with the advice and consent of his four saids, knowledge, proper motive, and kingly power, makes, erects, creates, unites, annexes, and incorporates the whole lands above mentioned in a hail of free barony. By all the rites, meaths, and marches thereof, bold and divided, as the same lies, and length and breath in houses, biggings, mills, mulchers, hawking, bunting, fishing with court, plate, hearselled, flock, fork, sack, sock, foal, fame, burt, rake, wraith, rare, venison, outfang'd thief, infang'd thief, pit and gallows, and all in sundry other commodities. Given at our court of Whitehall, et cetera, et cetera, God save the king. Common Pisto, Five Lib, 13-8, Registrate, 26 September, 1687. See, madam, here are 10 signatures of privy counselors of that year, and here are other 10 of the present year, with his grace the Duke of Queensbury at the head. All right, see here it is, sir, all right, done your work. So you see, madam, this gentleman is the true and sole heriturer of all the land that your father possesses, with all the rents therefor for the last 20 years and upwards. Find job for my employers. Sorry on your account, madam, can help it. I was again going to disclaim all interest or connection in the matter, but my friend stopped me, and the plates and lamentations of the dame became so overpowering that they put an end to all further colloquy. But lawyer Lincoln followed me and stated his great outlie and the important services he had rendered until I was obliged to describe an order to him for 100 pound on my banker. I was now glad to retire with my friend and ask seriously for some explanation of all this. It was in the highest degree unsatisfactory. He confirmed all that had been stated to me, assuring me that I had not only been assidious in my endeavors to seduce a young lady of great beauty, which it seemed I had affected, but that I had taken counsel and got this supposed old false and forged grant raked up and now signed to ruin the young lady's family quiet, so as to throw her entirely on myself for protection and be holy at my will. End of section 20. Section 21, the private memoirs and confessions of a sinner written by himself by James Hogg. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. This was to me wholly incomprehensible. I could have freely made oath to the contrary of every particular, yet the evidences were against me and of a nature not to be denied. Here I must confess that highly is I disapprove of the love of women and all intimacies and connections with this ex. I felt a sort of indefinite pleasure and ungracious delight in having a beautiful woman solely at my disposal. But I thought of her spiritual good in the meantime. My friends spoke of my backslidings with concern, requesting me to make sure of my forgiveness and to forsake them. And then he added some words of sweet comfort. But from this time forth, I began to be sick at times of my existence. I had heartburnings, longings and yearnings that would not be satisfied. And I seemed hardly to be an accountable creature. Being thus in the habit of executing transactions of the utmost moment without being sensible that I did them. I was a being incomprehensible to myself. Either I had a second self who transacted business in my likeness or else my body was at times possessed by a spirit over which it had no control and of whose actions my own soul was wholly unconscious. This was an anomaly not to be accounted for by any philosophy of mine. And I was many times incontemplating it, excited to terrors and mental torments hardly describable. To be in a state of consciousness and unconsciousness at the same time in the same body and same spirit was impossible. I was under the greatest anxiety. Dreading some change would take place momently in my nature. Four of dates I could make nothing. One half or two thirds of my time seemed to me totally lost. I often, about this time, prayed with great fervor and lamented my hopeless condition, especially in being liable to the commission of crimes which I was not sensible of and could not eschew. And I confess, notwithstanding the promises on which I had been taught to rely, I began to have secret terrors that the great enemy of man's salvation was exercising powers over me that might eventually lead to my ruin. These were but temporary and sinful fears, but they added greatly to my unhappiness. The worst thing of all was what hitherto I had never felt and as yet, durst, not confess to myself, that the presence of my illustrious and devoted friend was becoming irksome to me. When I was by myself, I breathed freer and my step was lighter. But when he approached, a pang went to my heart and in his company, I moved and acted as if under a load that I could hardly endure. What a state to be in. And yet, to shake him off was impossible. We were incorporated together, identified with one another as it were, and the power was not in me to separate myself from him. I still knew nothing who he was. Further than that, he was a potentate of some foreign land, bent on establishing some pure and genuine doctrines of Christianity. Hitherto, only half understood and less than half exercised. Of this, I could have no doubts after all that he had said, done and suffered in the cause. But along with this, I was also certain that he was possessed of some supernatural power, of the source of which I was wholly ignorant. That a man could be a Christian and at the same time a powerful necromancer appeared inconsistent and averse to every principle taught in our church. And from this, I was led to believe that he inherited his powers from on high. For I could not doubt either of the soundness of his principles or that he accomplished things impossible to account for. Thus was I sojourning in the midst of a chaos of confusion. I looked back on my bypass life with pain as one looks back on a perilous journey in which he has attained his end without gaining any advantage either to himself or others. And I look forward as on a darksome waist, full of repulsive and terrific shapes, pitfalls and precipices, to which there was no definite born, and from which I turned with disgust. With my riches, my unhappiness was increased tenfold. And here, with another great acquisition of property for which I had plead and which I had gained in a dream, my miseries and difficulties were increasing. My principal feeling about this time was an insatiable longing for something that I cannot describe or denominate properly, unless I say it was for utter oblivion that I longed. I desired to sleep, but it was for a deeper and longer sleep than in which the senses were nightly steeped. I longed to be at rest and quiet and close my eyes on the past and the future alike as far as this frail life was concerned. But what had been formally and finally settled in the councils above, I presumed not to call in question. In this state of irritation and misery was I dragging on in existence, disgusted with all around me, and in particular with my mother, who, with all her love and anxiety, had such an insufferable mode of manifesting them that she had by this time rendered herself exceedingly obnoxious to me. The very sound of her voice at a distance went to my heart like an arrow and made all my nerves to shrink. And as for the beautiful young lady for whom they told me I had been so much enamored, I shunned all intercourse with her or hers as I would have done with the devil. I read some of their letters and burnt them, but refused to see either the young lady or her mother on any account. About this time it was that my worthy and reverend parent came with one of his elders to see my mother and myself. His presence always brought joy with it into our family. For my mother was uplifted and I had so few who cared for me or for whom I cared that I felt rather gratified at seeing him. My illustrious friend was also much more attached to him than any other person except myself for their religious principles tallied in every point and their conversation was interesting, serious and sublime. Being anxious to entertain well and highly the man to whom I had been so much indebted and knowing that with all his integrity and righteousness, he disdained not the good things of this life. I brought from the late lair's well-stored cellars various fragrant and salubrious wines and we drank and became merry and I found that my miseries and overpowering calamities passed away over my head like a shower that is driven by the wind. I became elevated and happy and welcomed my guests and hundred times and then I joined them in religious conversation with a zeal and enthusiasm which I had not often experienced and which made all their hearts rejoice so that I said to myself, surely every gift of God is a blessing and ought to be used with liberality and thankfulness. The next day I waked from a profound and feverish sleep and called for something to drink. There was a servant answered whom I had never seen before and he was clad in my servant's clothes and livery. I asked for Andrew Handyside, the servant who had waited at table the night before but the man answered with a stare and a smile. What do you mean, Sura? said I. Pray, what do you hear? Or what are you pleased to laugh at? I desire you to go about your business and send me up Handyside. I want him to bring me something to drink. You said I want to drink maester, said the fellow. Take a hearty ante and see if it will waken you up something. Say that you didn't care for gaze through your sleep. Surely you hadn't forgotten that Andrew Handyside has been in his grave these six months. This was a stunning blow to me. I could not answer further but sunk back on my pillow as if I had been a lump of lead, refusing to take a drink or anything else at the fellow's hand who seemed thus mocking me with so grave a face. The man seemed sorry and grieved at my being offended but I ordered him away and continued to sullen and thoughtful. Could I have again been for a season an utter oblivion to myself and transacting business which I neither approved of nor had any connection with? I tried to recollect something in which I might have been engaged but nothing was portrayed on my mind subsequent to the parting with my friends at a late hour the evening before. The evening before it certainly was but if so how came it that Andrew Handyside who served at table that evening should have been in his grave six months? This was a circumstance somewhat equivocal therefore being afraid to arise less accusations of I know not what might come against me I was obliged to call once more in order to come at what intelligence I could. The same fellow appeared to receive my orders as before and I said about examining him with regard to particulars. He told me his name was Scrape that I hired him myself of whom I hired him and at whose recommendation I smiled and nodded so as to let the knave see I understood he was telling me a chain of falsehoods but did not choose to begin with any violent asservations to the contrary. And where is my noble friend and companion said I how has he been engaged in the interim? I didn't akin him sir said Scrape but have heard it said that the strange mysterious person that attended you that the maced part of folks counted uncanny had gone away with Mr. Ringen Oclasco last year and had never returned. I thank the Lord in my heart for this intelligence hoping that the illustrious stranger had returned to his own land and people and that I should thence forth be rid of his controlling and appalling presence. And where is my mother said I the man's breath cut short and he looked at me without returning any answer. I ask you where my mother is said I God only knows and not I where she is returned he he knows where her soul is and as for her body if you didn't can something of it I suppose nay man alive does What do you mean you naive said I what dark hints are these you are throwing out tell me precisely and distinctly what you know of my mother it is uncouth queer a ye to forget or pretend to forget everything that gate the day sir said he I'm sure you've heard enough about it yestereen and I can tell you there are some gay and ill fraud stories gone about that business but as a thing is to be tried for the circuit lords it would be far rang to say either this or that to influence the public mind it is best just to let justice take its sweet I hate nothing to say sir ye have been a good enough maester to me and paid my wages regularly but ye hey muckl need to be innocent for there are some heavy accusations rising against you I fear no accusations of man said I as long as I can justify my cause in the sight of heaven and that I can do this I am well aware go you and bring me some wine and water and some other clothes than these gaudy and glaring ones and a cup of wine and water put on my black clothes and walked out for all the perplexity that surrounded me I felt my spirits considerably buoyant it appeared that I was rid of the two greatest bars to my happiness by what agency I knew not my mother it seemed was gone who had become a grievous thorn by sight of late and my great companion and counselor who tyrannized over every spontaneous movement of my heart had likewise taken himself off this last was an unspeakable relief for I found that for a long season I had only been able to act by the motions of his mysterious mind and spirit I therefore thanked God for my deliverance and strode through my woods with a daring and heroic step with independence in my eye and freedom swinging in my right hand at the extremity of the Col. Wayne Wood I perceived a figure approaching me with slow and dignified motion the moment that I beheld it my whole frame received a shock as if the ground on which I walked had sunk suddenly below me yet at that moment I knew not who it was it was the air in motion of someone that I dreaded and from whom I would gladly have escaped but this I even had not power to attempt it came slowly onward and I advanced slowly to meet it yet when we came within speech I still knew not who it was it bore the figure air and features of my late brother I thought exactly yet in all these there were traits so forbidding so mixed with an appearance of misery chagrin and despair that I still shrunk from the view not knowing in whose face I looked but when the being spoke both my mental and bodily frame received another shock more terrible than the first for it was the voice of the great personage I had so long denominated my friend of whom I had deemed myself forever freed and whose presence and councils I now dreaded more than hell it was his voice but so altered I shall never forget it till my dying day nay I can scarce conceive it possible that any earthly sounds could be so discordant so repulsive to every feeling of a human soul as the tones of the voice that graded on my ear at that moment they were the sounds of the pit wheezed through a graded cranny or seems so to my distempered imagination so thou shudderest at my approach now delsty said he is this all the gratitude that you dain for an attachment of which the annals of the world furnished no parallel an attachment which has caused me to forgo power and dominion might homage conquest and adulation all that I might gain one highly valued and sanctified spirit to my great and true principles of reformation among mankind wherein have I offended what have I done for evil or what have I not done for your good that you would thus shun your presence great and magnificent prince said I humbly let me request of you to abandon a poor worthless wit to his own wayward fortune and return to the dominion of your people I am unworthy of the sacrifices you have made for my sake and after all your efforts I do not feel that you have rendered either more happy for the sake of that which is estimal in human nature depart from me to your own home before you render me a being either all together above or below the rest of my fellow creatures let me plod on towards heaven and happiness in my own way like those that have gone before me and I promise to stick fast by the great principles which you have so strenuously incalcated on condition that you depart and leave me forever sooner shall you make the mother abandon the child of her bosom nay sooner cause the shadow to relinquish the substance then separate me from your side our beings are amalgamated as it were and consociated in one and never shall I depart from this country until I can carry you in triumph with me I can in no wise describe the effect this appalling speech had on me it was like the announcement of death to one who had of late deemed himself free if not of something worse than death and of longer continuance there was I doomed to remain in misery subjugated soul and body to one whose presence was become more intolerable to me than ought on earth could compensate and at that moment when he beheld the anguish of my soul he could not conceal that he enjoyed it I was troubled for an answer for which he was waiting it became incumbent on me to say something after such a protestation of attachment and in some degree to shake the validity of it I asked with great simplicity where he had been all this while your crimes and your extravagances forced me from your side for a season said he but now that I hope the day of grace is returned I am again drawn toward you by an affection that has neither bounds nor interest an affection for which I receive not even the poor return of gratitude and which seems to have its radical sources in fascination I have been far far abroad and have seen much and acted much since I last spoke with you during that space I grievously suspect that you have been guilty of great crimes and misdemeanors crimes that would have sunk an unregenerated person to perdition but as I knew it to be only a temporary falling off a specimen of that liberty by which the chosen were free I closed my eyes on the willful debasement of your principles knowing that the transgressions could never be accounted to your charge and that in good time you would come to your senses and throw the whole weight of your crimes on the shoulders that had voluntarily stooped to receive the load certainly I will said I all the justified have a good right to do but what crimes what misdemeanors and transgressions do you talk about for my part I am conscious of none and am utterly amazed at insinuations which I do not comprehend you have certainly been left to yourself for a season return he having gone on rather like a person in a delirium than a Christian in his sober sense you are accused of having made away with your mother privately as also of the death of a beautiful young lady whose affections you had seduced it is an intolerable and monstrous falsehood cried I interrupting him I never laid a hand on a woman to take away her life or even shunned their society for my childhood I know nothing of my mother's exit nor of that young ladies whom you mention nothing whatever I hope it is so said he but it seems there are some strong presumptuous proofs against you and I came to warn you this day that a precognition is in progress you are perfectly convinced not only of your innocence but of your ability to prove it it will be the safest course for you to abscond and let the trial go on without you never shall it be said that I shrunk from such a trial as this said I it would give grounds for suspicions of guilt that never had existence even in thought I will go and show myself in every public place that no slanderous tongue may wag against me I have shed the blood of sinners but of these deaths I am guiltless therefore I will face every tribunal and put all my accusers down asservations will avail you but little answered he it is however justifiable in its place although to me it signifies nothing who know too well that you did commit both crimes in your own person and with your own hands far be it from me to betray you indeed I would rather endeavor to palliate the offenses for though first to nature I can prove them not to be so to the cause of pure Christianity by the mode of which we have approved it and which we wish to promulgate if this that you tell me be true said I then is it as true that I have two souls which take possession of my bodily frame by turns the one being all unconscious of what the other forms for as sure as I have at this moment a spirit within me fashioned and destined to eternal felicity as sure am I utterly ignorant of the crimes you now lay to my charge your supposition may be true in effect city we are all subjected to two distinct natures and the same person I myself have suffered grievously in that way the spirit that now directs my energies is not that with which I was endowed at my creation it is changed within me and so is my whole nature my former days were those of grandeur and felicity but would you believe it I was not then a Christian now I am I have been converted to its truth by passing through the fire and since my final conversion my misery has been extreme you complain that I have not been able to render you more happy than you were alas do you expect it in the difficult and exterminating career which you have begun I however promise you this a portion of the only happiness which I enjoy sublime in its motions and splendid in its attainments I will place you on the right hand of my throne and show you the grandeur of my domains and the felicity of my millions of true professors end of section 21 section 22 the private memoirs and confessions of a sinner written by himself by James Hogg this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org I was once more humbled before this mighty potentate and promised to be ruled wholly by his directions although at that moment my nature shrunk from the concessions and my soul longed rather to be enclosed in the deeps of the sea or involved once more in utter oblivion I was like Daniel in the den of lions without his faith in divine support and wholly at their mercy I felt as one round whose body a deadly snake is twisted which continues to hold him in its fangs without injuring him further than in moving its scaly infernal folds with exulting delight to let its victim feel to whose power he has subjected himself and thus did I for a space drag in existence from day to day in utter weariness and helplessness at one time worshiping with great fervor of spirit and at other times so wholly left to myself as to work all manner of vices and follies with greediness in these my enlightened friend never left me but I always observed that he was the first to lead me to every one of them and then leave me in the lurch the next day after these my fallings off he never failed to reprove me gently blaming me for my venial transgressions but then he had the art of reconciling all by reverting to my an infallible state which I found to prove a delightful healing salve for every sore but of all my troubles this was the chief I was every day and every hour assailed with accusations of deeds of which I was wholly ignorant of acts of cruelty injustice defamation and deceit of pieces of business which I could not be made to comprehend with lawsuits details arrestments of judgment and a thousand interminable quibbles from the mouth of my loquacious and conceded attorney so miserable was my life rendered by these continued attacks that I was often obliged to lock myself up for days together never seeing any person save my man, Samuel Scrape who was a very honest blunt fellow a staunch Cameroonian but with all very little conversant in religious matters he said he came from a place called Penpunt which I thought a name so ludicrous that I called him by the name of his native village population of which he was very proud and answered everything with more civility and perspicuity when I denominated him Penpunt then Samuel his own Christian name of this peasant was I obliged to make a companion on sundry occasions and strange indeed were the details which he gave me concerning myself and the ideas of the country and the people concerning me I took down a few of these in writing to put off the time and here leave them on record to show how the best and greatest actions are misconstrued among sinful and ignorant men you say Samuel that I hired you myself that I have been a good enough master to you and have paid you your weekly wages punctually now how is it that you say this knowing as you do that I never hired you and never paid you a six pence of wages in the whole course of my life accepting this last month he may as well say master that waters no water or that stands or no stands but that's just your gate and it's a great pity to think you're a thing and profess the clean contraire we'll then since you haven't uppaid me owner wages and I can prove day and date when I was hired and came home to your service will you be so kind as to pay me now that's the best way you occur in a man of the mortal disease and least and make that I can owe I should think that pen putt and Cameroonian principles would not admit a man taking twice payment for the same article in sick of cases this sir it doesn't hinge upon principles but a piece of good manners and I can tell you that at sick of crisis a Cameroonian is a gay and wheelbred man he's driven to this and he mon either make a breach in his friend's good name or in his purse and oh sir could they think you is this most precious for instance an old Galloway drover had come to the town of Penpunt and said to a Cameroonian the folks of Cameroonians there sir I want to buy your cow via a wheel says the Cameroonian I just want to sell the cow say gimme twenty puns scots and take her away it's a bargain the drover takes away the cow and gees the Cameroonian his twenty puns scots but after that he meets him again on the white sands among all the drovers and dealers of the land and the Galloway man he says to the Cameroonian a four atta witnesses come master wingham I ain't never paid you for a yarn bit useless cow that I bought I'll pay her the day but you mon mind the lucky penny there's muck'll need for it or something to that purpose the Cameroonian then turns out to be a civil man and cannot buy to make the man bath the feel a liar at the same time a four his associates and therefore he pits his principles af at the side to be kind to sleep in partner as it wore and brings up his good breeding to stand at the counter he pockets the money gees the Calloway a drover time a day and comes his way and I woes the blame man mind yourself is the first commandment a Cameroonian's principles never came between him and his purse nor Santa in the present case four as I cannot buy to make you out of there I'll thank you for my wages well you shall have them Samuel if you declare to me that I hired you myself in this same person and bargained with you with this same tongue and voice with which I speak to you just now that I do declare unless she hate way persons the same appearance and twat tongues to the same voice but sir, do you can what the old wives of the clanchentee about you how should I when no one repeats it to me oh I throw it to stuff folks shouldn't heed what said by old crazy Kimmers but there are some of them we will can for witches too and they say lord have a carous they say the deals often seen gone I was so astounded at this terrible idea that I had gone abroad regarding my fellowship with the prince of darkness that I could make no answer to the fellow's information but sat like one in a stupid way I was so astounded at this terrible idea that I had gone abroad regarding my fellowship with the prince of darkness but sat like one in a stupor and if it had not been for my well founded faith and conviction that I was a chosen and elected one before the world was made I should at that moment have given in to the popular belief and fallen into the sin of despondency but I was preserved from such a fatal error by an inward and unseen supporter still the insinuation was so like what I felt myself that I was greatly awed and confounded the poor fellow observed this and tried to do away the impression by some further sage remarks of his own ouch dear sir it is Balderdash there's nay doubt out it is the crown head of absurdity to take in the havers of old wives for gospel I told them that my master was a peyas man and a sensible man and up for a praying that he could ding all to Macmillan himself say he could the deal they said when he'd like it either at preaching or praying if these were to answer his an ends nay nay says I the believer in all the truths of Christianity my master they said say he was Satan for that he was the firmest believer in now the truths of Christianity that was out to heaven and that sin the revolution that the gospel had turned say rife he had been often driven to the shift to preaching it himself for the purpose of getting some rang tenants introduced into it and thereby turning it into blasphemy and ridicule I confess to my shame that I was so overcome by this jumble of nonsense that a chillness came over me and in spite of all my efforts to shake off the impression it had made I fell into a faint Samuel soon brought me to myself and after a deep rain and water I was greatly revived and felt my spirit rise above the sphere of vulgar conceptions and the restrained views of unregenerated men the shrewd but loquacious fellow perceiving this tried to make some amends for the pain he had occasion to me by the following story which I noted down and which was brought on by a conversation to the following report now Penput you may tell me all that passed between you and the wives of the Clatchin I am better of that stomach qualm with which I am sometimes seized and shall be much amused by hearing the sentiments of noted witches regarding myself and my connections Will you see sir I says to them it will be laying before the deal serious a professor and as fervent a prayer as my master for Jin he gets the upper hand of sickened men was to be safe and what think ye they said sir there was an unlucky Shaw set up perlang lantern chaffs and answered me and ay the rest shan'd and nodded in ascent in approbation you silly socialist campironian quiff quashy is that a that ye can about the wiles and doings of the prince of the air that rules and works in the barons of disobedience Jin ever he observes a proud professor what has may then ordinary pretensions to a divine calling and that rears and prays to the very howlits learn his preambles that's the man old simmy fixes on to mac a disclouto he cannot get a rest in hell if he sees a man or a set of men know this stamp and when he sets fairly to work it is seldom that he does not bring them around till his aim measures by hook or by crook then oh it is a grand prize for him and a proud deal he is when he gangs aim to his anahe we a batch of the souls of six strenuous professors on his back ay I true old Iggleby the Liverpool pac-man never came up Glasgow street with proud or pub when he had ten horse lays for him of Flanders lace and howl and lawn and silks and satins fray the eastern Indians then satan waged stroads into hell with a placado the souls of proud professors on his braids shoulders I think I see how the old thief wad be gone through his giz and dominions crying his wares in derision why will buy a fresh caller divine a boozy bishop a fasting zealot or a piping priest for a their prayers and their praises their amuses and their penances their whinings their howlings their rantings and their ravings here they come at last behold the end here go the rare and precious wares a fat professor for a bottle and a lean aim for half a merc I declare I trembled at the old hogs ravings but the lavo the Kimmers applauded the sayings as sacred truths and then lucky went on there are many wolves and cheaps claving among us my man money deals enneth the mask of zealous professors roaming about in curks and meeting houses o' the land it was but the year of four the last that the people of the old town of Ochtermunchity grew so rigidly righteous that the meanest hind among them became a shining light in other towns and parishes there was not to be heard neither night nor day but preaching praying argumentation and catchizing in the famous town of Ochtermunchity the young men wooed their sweethearts out to the song of Solomon and the girls returned answers in strings of verses out to the Assams at the lint swinglings they said questions round and read chapters and sang hymns at bridles old and young prayed in their dreams and prophesized in their sleep till the deals in the forest nooks of hell were alarmed and moved to commotion gin it had been an old carl robin ruthvin Ochtermunchity wad at the time had been ruined and lost forever but robin was a cunning man and had rather may wits than his aim for he had been in the hands of the fairies when he was young and the kinds of spirits were visible to his most familiar to him as his aim mother tongue robin was sitting on the side of the west loam and a still gloomy night in september when he saw a bridle of corby crows coming east the lift just on the edge of the glooming the moment that robin saw them he kenned by their movements that they were claws of some nither world than his so he signed himself and drew his burrock the corby crawls came in and sat down round about him and they pocket their black suity wings and spread them out to the breeze to cool and robin heard a corby speaking and another answering him and the tain said to the tither where will the ravens find a prey the night on the lean crazy souls of Ochtermunchity quote the tither fear they will be oh real rabbit up in their warm flannels of faith and clouded we the dirty duds of repentance for us to make a meal oh quote the first what in vile sounds are these that I hear coming bumming up the hill oh these are the hymns and praises oh the old wives and cregy lounges of Ochtermunchity way are gone crooning their way to heaven and again it warner for the being beat we might let our great enemy take him for sick a prize as he will hay heaven for sooth what shall we think oh heaven if it is to be filled we vermin like day a man whom there is mayor poverty and pollution that I can name no matter for that said the first we cannot have our power set to defiance though we should put them on the thieves hole catch them and catch them with their own bait too come all to church tomorrow and I'll let you hear how I'll go the saints of Ochtermunchity in the meantime there is a feast on the Sidlaw Hills tonight below the hill of Macbeth mount Diabolus and fly then with loud croaking and crowing the bridle of Corbis again scaled the dusky air and left Robin in the middle of his Karen the next day the congregation met in the Kirk of Ochtermunchity but the minister made not his appearance the elder ran out and in making inquiries but they could learn nothing save that the minister was missing they ordered the clerk to sing a part of the 119th Psalm until they saw if the minister would cast up the clerk did as he was ordered and by the time he reached the 77th verse a strange divine entered the church by the western door and advanced solemnly up to the pulpit the eyes of all the congregation were riveted on the sublime stranger who was clothed in a robe of black sackcloth that flowed all around him and trailed far behind and they weaned him an angel to come to exhort them in disguise he read out his text from the prophecies of Ezekiel which consisted of these singular words I will overturn overturn overturn it and it shall be no more until he come whose right it is and I will give it him from these words he preached such a sermon as never was heard by human ears ever by ears of Oster Munchdie it was a true sterling gospel sermon it was striking sublime and awful in the extreme he finally made out the it mentioned in the text to mean properly and positively the notable town of Oster Munchdie he proved all the people in it to their perfect satisfaction to be in the gal of bitterness and bond of inequity and he assured them that God would overturn them their principles and professions and that they should be no more until the devil the town's greatest enemy came and then it should be given unto him for a prey for it was his right and to him it belonged if there was not forthwith a radical change made in all their opinions and modes of worship the inhabitants of Oster Munchdie were electrified they were charmed they were actually raving mad about the grand and sublime truths delivered to them by this eloquent and impressive preacher of Christianity he is a prophet of the Lord said one sent to warn us as Jonah was sent to the Ninevites oh he is an angel sent from heaven to instruct this great city for no man ever uttered truth so sublime before the good people of Oster Munchdie were in perfect raptures with the preacher who had thus sent them to hell by the slump tag rag and bob tail nothing in the world delights a truly religious people so much as consigning them to eternal damnation they wondered after the preacher they crowded together and spoke of his sermon with admiration and still as they conversed the wonder and the admiration increased so that honest Robin Rothven's words would not be listened to it was in vain that he told them he heard a raven speaking and another raving answering him the people laughed him to scorn and kicked him out of their assemblies as a one who spoke evil of dignities and they called him a warlock and a daft body to think to mech language out to the crooping of claws the sublime preacher cannot be heard of although all the country was sought for him even to the minutest corner of st. Johnston and Dundee but as he had announced another sermon on the same text on a certain day all the inhabitants of that populous country far away from the city Kupar, Newburg Strathmigelow turned out men, women and children Perth and Dundee gave their thousands and from the east nook of Fife to the foot of the Grampian Hills there was nothing but running and riding that morning to Ochter Munsty the Kirk would not hold the thousandth part of them a splendid tent was erected on the Bray north of the town that the countless congregation assembled when they were all waiting anxiously for the great preacher, behold Robin Ruthven set up his head in the tent and warned his countrymen to beware of the doctrines they were about to hear for he could prove to their satisfaction that they were all false intended to their destruction the whole multitude raised a cry of indignation against Robin and dragged him from the tent the elders rebuking him and the multitude threatening to resort to stronger measures and though he told them a plain and unsophisticated tale of the Black Corbis he was only derided the great preacher appeared once more and went through his two discourses with increased energy and approbation all who heard him were amazed and many of them went into fits writhing and foaming in a state of the most horrid agitation Robin Ruthven sat on the outskirts of the great assembly listening with the rest and perceived what they in the height of their enthusiasm perceived not the ruinous tendency of the tenant so sublimely incalculated Robin came to the voice of his friend the Corby saw again and was sure he could not be wrong say when public worship was finished a the elders and a the gentry flocked about the great preacher as he stood on the green bray in the sight of the hail congregation and a war alike anxious to pay him some marco respect Robin Ruthven came in amending the thrang to try to affect what he had promised and with greatest readiness and simplicity just took bod or the side or the wide gown and in sight of a present held it aside as high as the preacher's knee and behold there was a pair of cloven feet the old thief was fairly in the very height of his proud conquest and put down by an old carl he could feign name heir but gnashing on a Robin with his teeth he darted into the air like a fiery dragon and coo is the reed rainbow or the taps of the lomans ah the old wives and weavers of Osta Munchty fell down flat wea fright and betook them to their prayers since once again for they saw the dreadful danger they had to skip it and fray that day to this it is a hard matter to gar an unched to Munchty man listen at all and harder and still to gar him a plot aim for he thinks aid that he sees the cloven foot peeping out fray uneath unlike a sentence now this is a true story my man quote the old wife and whenever you are doubtful of a man take old Robin Rothman's plan and look for the cloven foot for it's a thing that when a wheel hide will make it it will keek out fray underneath the parson's gown the lawyer's wig and the Cameroonian's blue badot but still there is a gauden rule whereby to detect it and that never never fails the old witch didn't give me the rule and though I had hid tell it often and often shame for me and I can what it is but ye what can it well and it would be near the war of the trial of some of your friends maybe for they say there's a certain gentleman seen walking with your wiles that wherever he sets his foot the grass withers as again a war scoundrel we are hitting his presence be about us what's the matter we you master are you going to take the calm of the stomach again of section 22