 Kraft presents the Great Gildersleeve. Yeah! Kraft Cheese Company will also bring you a Ving Crosby every Thursday night. Present each week at this time Harold Perry as the Great Gildersleeve, written by John Wheaton and Sam Moore. We'll hear from the Great Gildersleeve in just a moment. As you homemakers surely know, keeping a family well fed these days is no snap job, especially if you have a tight budget to contend with. But there are highly nutritious foods that are economical too, and one of these foods certainly is wholesome parquet margarine, the delicious nourishing spread for bread made by Kraft. You see, parquet margarine is an economical source of important food elements. It's one of the best energy foods you can serve. And besides, it's a reliable year round source of vitamin A because summer and winter, every pound contains 9,000 units of this important vitamin. Now, parquet margarine is no ordinary margarine. Parquet margarine is made by Kraft to the same high standards as all of Kraft's fine foods. You'll find parquet's quality is reflected in its delicate appetizing flavor. So for flavor, good nutrition and economy, start serving parquet margarine tomorrow. Yes, ask your food dealer for parquet, P-A-R-K-A-Y. Parquet margarine made by Kraft. Now let's join our friend the Great Gildersleeve when we find approaching a milestone in his career. As water commissioner, he's been invited to make his first public address before a meeting of the Summerfield Women's Club. With the occasion only a few hours off and not a word of the speech written, time is getting a little short, and so is the great man's temper. Come on, come on, where's breakfast? Where's my coffee? It's coming, Uncle Mor. Well, hurry it up. I need my coffee. You've got to have my wits about me today. What's the rush, honk? It's only 7.30. I've got to get down to the office. I've got a million things to do. Got to get a haircut. Got to write a speech. Oh, by the way, Margie, would you send my cutaway out to be pressed? Did you want to be pressed? Oh, my goodness. But you didn't say you were planning to wear your cutaway? Well, I'm certainly not planning to address the women's club in my shorts. All right, keep your shirt on. I'll have Bertie send your cutaway out this morning. Oh, and see that she gets it back. I've got to have it back here by this evening. I know. I don't know what comes over women. They want you to make a speech, and they don't let you know until a day afterwards. Maybe they were hoping they'd get somebody else. Oh, thank you, Leroy. Thank you very much. That's no way to talk. Well, I don't see what you're so steamed up about anyway, huh? After all, it's just a bunch of dames. Not dames, young man, ladies. Besides, this is my first speech. It may be very important to me. Why, it's likely to be written up in the newspaper. Yeah, the indicator. Who reads that? Hasn't even got skeezics in it. Skeezics. Well, there's no telling what this speech may lead to, young man. After all, it's no small honor to be singled out of all the prominent people in this town to address the women's club. Is it, my dear? I think it's wonderful, and Leroy should be very proud. There. Birdie! Oh, where is that woman? She's trying to hurry, Uncle Mort. Always remember, young man, I may be the only water commissioner in this town now, but William McKinley was a water commissioner once, and he ended up in the White House. Remember that. You walked up, Mr. Gillslee? The coffee. Where is it, Birdie? I've got just half an hour to get to the White House. I mean the office. Coffee's on the fire, Mr. Gillslee, but it seems like the water just don't want to boil this morning. Must be something wrong. Yeah, something wrong with your alarm clock, Birdie. Well, I've got to go. Won't be for a minute, Mr. Gillslee. Soon as the water boils. I haven't got time to sit around here waiting for water to boil. Who am I? James Watt? No, William McKinley. Yes. Very amusing, Leroy. Very amusing. Perhaps it would amuse you further to go down and clean out the furnace. I didn't get time to do that this morning. Where's my briefcase? Uncle Mort, you can't go off without breakfast. No time. I've got a speech to make. Well, here's your briefcase. Button up your coat. Thanks. I've got to hurry. Have I got everything? Where's my hat? On your head. Oh, it's pretty late. I guess I better drive down. Shall I back the car off here, Uncle Mort? Yes, do that. No. Don't ask me that again. But I can do it, Uncle. I told you what you can do. Clean out the furnace. Oh, about the car, Uncle Mort. Yes? What about the car? I had to drive it to the plant yesterday. I missed the bus. You may find it a little low on gas. How low? Well, I couldn't start it last night. Yes. This is a fine time to tell me. Oh, that's women for you. Get up in the morning. No coffee. Have to make a speech. No cutaway. Start to work. No gas. I can see there's only one way I'm going to get anywhere today. What's that? No women. I was going down to the office to write my speech for tonight. You heard about my speech. Oh, yes. And I just know it's going to be wonderful, Throckmonton. Think of me being engaged to such an impo... Paper? No. I haven't had time. Well, I won't keep you but a minute, but there's something in it I think will interest you. Don't tell me they printed my picture. No. No, this is in the ads. Throckmonton, I know we weren't planning to get married for a while, but Hogan Brothers is having a sale of dining room suites. Oh, well, that's fine. Maybe we ought to look into that some other time. Oh, my goodness. We ought to be going now, Leela. Well, I know you're terribly busy and all, but I thought if we just went down there this morning and looked, we wouldn't have to buy anything. I'd love to, Leela, but I got to get at this speech. Well, of course, if an old speech means more to you than I do. Oh, no, don't say that. I'm just trying to make a home for you, but if... I'll do it, Leela. I'll tell you what, I'll do it. The first thing tomorrow. Oh, I wouldn't think of asking you to do it now, Throckmonton. I guess I can find others. Others? But Leela... No. No, you had your chance. Now just run along. You have more importance. But if you just listen... Goodbye, Throckmonton. Oh, goodbye. What's a fella going to do first? Throckmonton. What? How are you going to run off? Goodbye, Leela. Goodbye, honey. Well, what can I do for you today, Mr. Commissioner? Oh, just a haircut, Floyd. Make it a good one. That's the only kind we sell. I'm addressing the women's club this evening, so I'd like to look my best. Don't you worry. By the time you leave here, you look like Rudolph Valentino. Yeah. How have you been? Well, Floyd, did you ever have one of those days when the women just seemed to get in your hair? Did I? Now, you take this morning. I got her this morning. Take last night. I come home tired from work and what do I find? No dinner. Wife got in just ahead of me. Been out playing bridge all afternoon. Well, it was deary this and deary that. You sit down and I'll warm you up some nice supper. By the way, I knew she'd lost. $1.15 to be exact. Well, it wasn't $1.15. The idea, you know? Guy comes home tired from work. What does he find? No dinner. Wife's been out playing bridge all afternoon. Is that any kind of a life for a man? Well, in my own case, it's a little different. No, it's the same with all of us. A man from home at night only wants a little peace and quiet. What does he get? No dinner and a lot of talk, talk, talk, talk. I don't know what it is about women. Now, you take me. I'm not exactly the silent type. I'll pass the time of day with anybody. Never too busy to say hello. But there's times when I just like to sit and think, you know? This wouldn't be one of the times, would it? After all, it wasn't the $1.15. I told her I said it's not the $1.15. It's the idea of a guy comes home at night. What does he get? Oh, hello, Judge. Getting a haircut, Gildy? No, an autobiography. Make it snappy, will you, Floyd? I've got to get down to the office. Right, will you, Judge? Got to get Mr. Gilder's sleeve in the pink. He's addressing the women's club tonight. Oh, are you Gildy? So am I. They didn't tell me you were speaking, Judge. Well, they didn't tell me you were. As a matter of fact, they were planning to have Tim Abernathy, but he dropped out. I guess they put you in the last minute. Oh, is that so? Don't let it worry you, though. Ever made a speech before, Gildy? Uh, no. Well, nothing to it. Only thing to remember is don't get nervous. Who's nervous? That's one other thing you have to remember. What's that? This speech. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ah, yes. Haven't even written it yet. Now, what's worrying you? Have you got a topic? Certainly I've got a topic. Water in the water. What's worrying me is how to begin it. Once I get on water, I'm on solid ground. Well, there's one simple rule. It works like a charm. What's that? Always start your speech off with a good story. Do that and you'll have the meeting out of your hand. Well, thanks for the tip, Horace. Never fails. I've seen it work in my own courtroom. Why, some of my verdicts have been greeted with actual applause. The judge has got the right idea. Send them up with a smile. Well, all I need now is a joke. Anybody know jokes? Oh, sure. A fellow came in here just the other day. He told me a nifty. Maybe you heard it. It's about this guy who went down to his draft board and, uh, oh, but you couldn't use that at the women's club. Yeah, you have to be sure your joke is one that women will understand. Oh, they don't understand this one, all right. I'll tell you what you do, Gildy. Go to the library and get out Cumberford's compendium of wit and wisdom. It's got a story to fit every occasion. Uh, Cumberford's compendium? That's right. Horace, you're a lifesaver. Tell you the truth, I am a little nervous. Why, you're not going to let yourself be flustered by a few women, are you? Oh, speaking of women, I was telling Mr. Gildersleeve, I came home last night from work. What do I find? Oh, my goodness. I've got to go. Let me out of here, Floyd. You don't want any tonic? I haven't got time. Here's your money. Don't let me interrupt your story, though. Tell the judge about last night, Floyd. Don't miss this judge. You'll love it. Name's Rob Morton P. Gildersleeve. This must be it, though. It says water department on the door. This is him coming. Oh, well, good morning. Good morning. You young ladies waiting to get in here? I think so. Are you Mr. Gildersleeve? That's right. Did you advertise for Secretary? Oh, my goodness. Yes, I forgot all about that. All three of you? Yeah. I have a letter. Oh, fine. Come in the office, won't you? Oh, the door is locked. Of course. Still have me. I locked it myself. See if I can find a key here now. Sorry to keep you waiting out here. As a matter of fact, I've been over at the library. We usually open here promptly at nine. There we are. Hey, go ahead. After you. Thank you. Sit down, won't you? All of you. I can see this is going to be a difficult choice. If you're all as talented and efficient as you are, let's get down to business. I suppose I ought to ask you some questions, but I'd like to try something on you first. Incidentally, this may give me some idea of whether you have a sense of humor or not. Because I think a sense of humor is very important in a secretary, don't you? Oh, yes. That's one thing my mother always said. She says to me, Betsy, don't you care what they say? At least you've got a sense of humor. Oh, good. Well, I've been working on a speech here. A man in my position has got to make a lot of speeches, you know, and I have rather an amusing story that I tell at the beginning of my speech. If you don't mind, I'll read it to you to see if you think it's funny. I'd like to get a woman's reaction. I love stories. Oh, that's fine. I say, if man and president, ladies, fellow speakers, I know that I have been scheduled to speak this evening on the topic, water and the war. That's not the joke yet. Speaking of water, I am reminded of a seafaring man who while traveling in the West Indies purchased an expensive parrot as a present for his wife. Not yet. When he returned from his voyage, he inquired, Well, dear, how has the bird I sent you? To which he replied, It was the toughest bird I ever ate. My goodness, exclaimed the sailor, Don't tell me you ate that bird. He was a very intelligent parrot. He could speak in 17 languages. Well, replied the wife, Why didn't he say something? Just telling a little story. Tooting? Tooting? Oh, not at all. Come in. These young ladies were very kindly helping me with my speech. How nice. Honest they were. Well, aren't you going to introduce us? Oh, well, I don't really know their names. As a matter of fact, I just found them here when I arrived this morning. I mean, they were waiting for me. Weren't you girls? Yes, my name's Irene. Mine is Ethel. My name's Bessie. Oh, yes, Ethel, Irene and Bessie. Yes, how do you do? My real name's Elizabeth, but my friends call me Bessie. Her real name's Elizabeth, but her friends call her Bessie. Look, girls, I wonder if I could ask you to come back a little later after lunch. Don't be glad to. Oh, gracious, don't let me stand in the way of y'all taking them to lunch, Rockmore. Now, Leela, don't you misunderstand. Please, girls, after lunch. Leela? If Leela say something, don't just stand there and look at me like that. I can explain, Leela, it's not what it looks like. You're just trying to hire a secretary. Well, don't you believe me? Then what are you crying about? You're sweet. Now, now, you don't want to feel that way about it. It's all right. I don't mind. Don't. No. Do what? I'll be with us again in just a few seconds. You know, I take my hat off to you homemakers who have the knack of taking simple, everyday foods and making something pretty special out of them. That's an important knack to have these days, too. Well, here's a tip. You can add extra flavor to all kinds of foods with wholesome, economical parquet margarine, the delicious nourishing spread for bread made by craft. You see the delicate appetizing flavor that makes parquet margarine such a delicious spread for bread makes it grand for cooking, too. Yes, let parquet melt over hot vegetables to make them extra tasty. Use parquet as a flavor shortening when you bake cookies or cakes and pie crusts. And use parquet for pan-frying. It makes pan-fried foods taste better because it tastes so good itself. And besides parquet margarine adds nourishment to meals. It's an excellent energy food that helps provide important vitamin A. So get acquainted with delicious economical parquet margarine tomorrow. Just ask for parquet. P-A-R-K-A-Y. Parquet margarine made by craft. Now let's get back to the Great Gilder Sleeve. After a tour of Hogan's furniture department and an afternoon spent interviewing secretaries, he's finally completed his speech and now can't wait to try it on somebody. And what better guinea pig than his old friend, the druggist? Mr. Gilder Sleeve? Hello, P-V. And how can I best serve you this afternoon? P-V, come here. Do you enjoy hearing a good story? Oh, I should say I do, Mr. Gilder Sleeve. Now don't get excited. I just want to know if you enjoy a humorous anecdote. Oh, well, I do like a nice quiet chuckle now and then. A quiet chuckle is not what I'm after. Now I've got to address the Summerfield Women's Club tonight and I'm going to start off with a funny story. You are? Yes. Well, Mrs. P-V will be there to hear you. Good. She enjoys a humorous story too, although you might not expect it of her. Her laughter is of the silent priority. Tell her to sit near the back, will you? What I came in here for, P-V, was to tell you my opening anecdote. I think you'll like it. All right, it goes like this. I am reminded of the seafaring man who, while traveling in the West Indies, purchased an expensive parrot and sent it home to his wife as a present. When he returned from his voyage, he inquired, How is that bird I sent you? His wife replied, It was the toughest bird I ever ate. My goodness, exclaimed the sailor, Don't tell me you ate that bird. He was a very intelligent parrot and could speak 17 languages. Well, replied the wife, Why didn't he say something? Well, replied the wife, Why didn't he say something? Well? Well, why didn't he say something? P-V telling a joke to you is like hollering it down a rain barrel. You have no sense of humor. Well, now I wouldn't say that. I've heard an amusing little thing just the other day. By George, I'd like to hear it. What was it? Well, I don't know whether it was what the fellow said or the way he said it, but it certainly tickled my funny bone. It must have been uproarious. Well, now I wouldn't say it was uproarious. You might not think it was funny at all. Funny or not, P-V, I can't wait all night for it. What was it? Well, the fellow was in here talking to me. The fellow was in here talking about a certain judge in Somerfield. Yeah. Hooker. Well, I wouldn't want to say, Mr. Goversley, a professional ethic. Yes, but... This fellow asked why Judge Hooker got two hats. And I said, Why? He said, One is to wear and the other is to talk through. That's all right, P-V. It's all right. Thank you, Mr. Goversley. I thought it was pretty good myself. It's not that good, but I'm politer than you are. Goodbye. Hey, is it tied? It's perfect. Now, let me look at you. You look very distinguished. I think the women's club is going to be crazy about you. You're going to be crazy about the women's club, too, Aunt. Why? What do you know about the women's club? I sold ice cream at their picnic last summer. What a bunch of harpies. You're just making Uncle Mort nervous. And that Mrs. Petty Boon that runs it, wait till he gets a load of her. He'd make anybody nervous. Leroy, would you mind going someplace else? I'm just trying to tell you what you're up against, Aunt. Well, don't. I don't want to know. I just want to get it over with. My stomach's upside down as it is. Now, don't you worry, Uncle Mort. I'll be sitting right beside you. And if you forget your speech, I'll prompt you. I'll forget my speech, all right. Maybe I ought to run through it once more before dinner. Yes, why don't you? I've got to go upstairs and dress, though. Maybe you could get Leroy to hear you. Leroy, do you think you could sit still long enough? No, I'd like to hear it. All right. You hold the speech. Let me see. How does it go? First, Mrs. Petty Boon introduces me. She says so-and-so-and-so-and-so-and-so. Mr. Gildersley. Wait a minute now. You've thrown me off, Leroy. Keep quiet, will you? Okay. After the applause dies down, I say, what do I say? How do I know? It's on the paper. There's Stoop. Read it. You say, Madam President, Lady? Oh, yes, Madam President, ladies and fellow speakers. I note that I am scheduled to speak this evening on the topic Water and the War. Speaking of water, I am reminded of the seafaring man who, while traveling in the West Indies, purchased an expensive parrot as a present for his wife. Are you kidding? What do you mean? I heard that joke on the second grade. Leroy, I'm trying to make a speech. It's not a very good speech, perhaps, but it's the only one I've got. And now it's dinner time to learn it. Well, I'm only trying to help you, Aunt. I don't want any help. It's too late for that. All I want is somebody who can shut up and listen. I'm telling you, Aunt, if you start off with that joke, they'll chase you out of there with sticks. All right. William McKinley may have made a few bad speeches in his time, too, but he kept making him and he got to be President. Okay, Aunt, have it your own way. Go ahead. I'm listening. No. I won't let you hear it now. Where are you going? I'm going into the kitchen where I can at least go to sleep. Dinner will be ready in two seconds. Yeah. Birdie, have you got time to listen to a brief address? What? A short speech. You're going to make a speech to me? Yes. Have I done something? No, no, Birdie. I'm just trying to commit a speech to memory. I'd like to get somebody to hear me. Oh, well, you go right ahead, Mr. Gil Sleeve. It won't bother me. Thank you. I ain't no President. Birdie, I'm addressing the President of the Women's Club. We're trying to... Excuse me. Madam President, ladies, I note that I am scheduled to address you this evening on the subject, Water and the War. Water? What if there's any water on them string beans? Birdie, I'm trying to make a speech. Will you forget the beans? Yes. I'm sorry, Mr. Gil Sleeve. Let's see where it was. I'll skip the anecdote. Since the earliest times, water has always been a subject of vital interest to man. Even in those... Birdie, I smell something burning. Yes, it's them string beans. Well, put some water on them. But you said... Never mind what I said. There's no use spoiling the supper. Yes, sir. It's not perhaps generally known that it was in medieval times that water first came at a general use for the purpose of washing. However... Excuse me, Mr. Gil Sleeve. We're going to have biscuits for supper. I've got to put them in the oven. Well, go ahead. Would you stand in front of it? No. However, with the invention of the Roman aqueduct, it... Birdie, what kind of biscuits are those? Raisin biscuits. There was I. Water fish. What else are we having? Beef stew. I thought I smelled beef stew. Let me see. Look at that. Birdie, have you got a spoon there? I could put a little on a plate for you, Mr. Gil Sleeve. Oh, no. Maybe just a little on a saucer. On a piece of bread. Yes, sir. There you are. Oh, my goodness. This is just what I needed. What are you doing out here? I just found out what's the matter with me, my dear. I'm not nervous. I'm hungry. Come to think of it, I didn't have any lunch today. A little solid food in my stomach and I'll be a regular silver-tongue orator. I'll go over there to that meeting when I get through with them hooker or wish he'd never been born. Is I feel I can truthfully say that now, more than ever, it is the husband's duty to show his life special consideration. Yeah, look at the old goat. In conclusion, I am reminded of the seafaring man who, while traveling in the West Indies, purchased a very expensive car. And sent it to his wife as a present. What's he? Hooker. He said to her, how was that bird? The bird? The old goat stole my story. That is just a story? I can tell some other story. What other story? I can't think of one. I can't even think of my speech now. And he could speak 17 languages. 17? Well, replied the wife, why didn't he say something? Listen to that. I could have told it better. What am I going to do now? Couldn't you just skip the story and start in the middle? I'd rather skip the whole speech. Can't we get out of here? No, the story belongs to the next speaker, his old poignant chairman here tonight. I'll kill Hooker for this. Keep cool. Wait a minute, I can tell a joke on Hooker. I'll fix him. It's a little thing that P.V. got off this afternoon. Why does a politician have two hats? It fits Hooker perfectly, my dear. So I can tell you the wonderful news. For the year 1942, the club had the smallest deficit since 1939. I wish I had a drink of water. You'll be all right. Here we go. Now watch me give it to Hooker now. Now, ladies and gentlemen, one of the most important are water commissioners. Mr. Gilda Sleeve is no ordinary politician. Incidentally, a politician as you may have heard of the man with two hats, one to wear and one to sparkle. I didn't even know you were here. I didn't tell you I was coming because I didn't want you to be nervous. Well, I was a little nervous as a start there. I never would have known it in the world. I thought your speech was just wonderful. Oh, thank you. It seemed to be well received. I was terribly interested in the part about how those old Romans built their aqueducts and all. Well, I did a little research for that part. And all that about the average rainfall. Oh, my, I thought that was very instructive. Oh, did you? But you know what I like the best? What? That silly story Judge Hooker told about the parrot. That old story, I heard it in a second grade. Come on, dear, let's go home. Good night, everybody. Yeah. Great to know music right on this program was composed and conducted by Billy Mills. This is Ken Coffinger speaking to the Crab Cheese Company. I'm inviting you to listen again next week for the further adventures of the Great Yoder Sleeves. Men, you want your wife to save money, don't you? Well, then tell her about this thrifty, swell-eating main dish, the macaroni and cheese she can make with Kraft Dinner. One package of Kraft Dinner serves four and the cost is only a few cents per serving. And big news for your wife is this. Kraft Dinner cooks in just seven minutes. She'll love the way the special Kraft Dinner macaroni cooks up so fluffy and tender in a jiffy. And how the Kraft Grated, who comes in the package of Kraft Dinner, quickly gives the macaroni its delicious cheese flavor. Yes, sir, Kraft Dinner is a triple attraction. Downright good tasting, fast to make and economical. So I'll ask your wife to get some Kraft Dinner soon. It's wise for her to order it early in the week. That will help her food dealer with his supply problem. This program has reached you from Hollywood.