 Yeah, but what time is it? It's time for the Abbott and Costello show We're on the air for ABC here in Hollywood. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Abbott and Costello show The Abbott and Costello show produced and transcribed in Hollywood tonight for your listing pleasure with Susan Miller and the music of Maddie Mallet Hold on to your tears fulls for here. They are but Abbott and Luke Costello Stella Costello, what's the matter? She have a certain terrible happen my aunt me got all mixed up She gave her dog her medicine and took the dog's medicine by mistake. That's awful What effect did it have now the dog sits on Uncle Mike's lap and Aunt May is out chasing rappers Never mind your Aunt May. How did you like that date? I fixed up for you last night. Wasn't she a lovely girl? Oh lovely girl brother was that dame not me. Oh, she wasn't so not me No, we were walking down Hollywood Boulevard one knee said to the other. I let you pass first the last time now. Give me a chance Well, you have a good time. Well first. I took her to Cheryl's for dinner that cost $31 Then I bought our box of chocolates that cost $4 Then I took a little movies that cost $2 then I took her home and she slammed the door right my face She didn't that's gratitude for you after all the money. She spent on me That's all running around every night with a different girl is no good someday You're gonna get in trouble not me Abbott when it comes to women. I'm smart no woman has pinned anything on me since I was a baby How could you be so stupid? Why don't you be more like me like you then who would tell the jokes I? Mean you should me use me for a model. I'm a model man a model man That's what started the last fight between my aunt man uncle Mike He got mad because that may call them a model man Why did your uncle might get mad? He looked it up in a dictionary and found out that our model is a small imitation of the real thing They really had a fight they fought tooth and nail to the nail. Yes, that may nail not come I could have pushed enough dollars, too What's your excuse this time Lou I couldn't happen when I got the Hollywood and Vine traffic was all snarled up Was there an accident? No some tourists stop for a red light. I see you got another traffic ticket. Hey, yep Castella that's six traffic tickets. You've got this week alone. How do you count for that? Well, Sunday? I couldn't get the car out of the garage Well, what is the ticket for this time double parking my car and it's a $200 fine. It can't be it's only $2 fine Lots of people double park their cars on top of other cars That wouldn't be fair why not I want to look a big guy like me racing against those little mitchets You know your brother pet barred my car Saturday There's a really a fast car. Yeah, Pat. Let me drive your car. I turned off the road and cut right through the farm I was driving so fast that I went past the beans and going to look like suck a cash How fast were you going 80 miles a minute? You mean 80 miles an hour. I mean minute that car yours won't go an hour You witty if you had no right to drive my car through a farm Yeah, I have to have it if I drive drive it down the road I'd pass a junkyard every time I do that the car would stop why it gets folksy Now look that car is in great shape castella you drove that car into a race you'd go Well, you'd go like thunder across the finish line thunder is right every time I start the motor the windows fall out of the house across the street That's ridiculous that car's in fine shape. Why haven't paid a dime on that car for repairs in 10 months? Yeah, that's what the repair man told me If you're personally marks to yourself and tell your brother Pat that he ruined my car When he brought it back the engine was smoking well, it's holding up the smoke What do you want to do to back up never mind that I had some new tire covers in that car, and they're gone Those tire covers were no good at it. I put them on a tire. They didn't last 10 miles Tell you are nimble so Now you made me say a bad word what what are you talking about boulders are damned isn't that a bad word? Never this time to see that my car brought back to my house tonight Oh, I don't think I can bring it back tonight Evan this afternoon I took it out for riding a big truck tried to beat me to the intersection that what now wait a minute wait a minute Don't tell me you ran my car into that truck No, well, thank goodness for that the truck ran into me Asked you the owner of that truck. Who owns it? What is it? What does the truck look like well? It was a big bright red truck with a lot of brass on it. There was a long ladder on it, and there was six fishermen in it There's shaman six guys with rubber coats and hats rather were they zooming along That was a fire truck, and they were firing going to a fire from now on you stay away from my car and stay away from my house You ain't got any house. That's where the fire was It's terrible you wrecked my car then my house burns down. Oh, it's a lucky thing I still have some money in the bank. You ain't got any money in a bank either. What? Well, everybody was watching a fire at your house. The bank was rough Well, there goes everything but my wife's car Got to tell you Abbott the guy that robbed the bank took your wife's car to make their getaway Well, this is awful my car's wrecked my my house is burned down My money is my money's been stolen the only thing I have left in the world is my darling little wife That's the part I forgot to tell you about The guys that robbed the bank kidnapped your wife, and if you want to back you'll have to pay them $20,000 ransom Hey, which one of you guys is what I am well, I'm not going to kidnap your wife I look mister. I haven't got $20,000. You want your wife back, don't you? Oh, yes. I do, but I haven't got $20,000 Well, you have now. What do you mean? Listen me and my partners talked it over and we're willing to pay you $20,000 bucks a ticker off our hands Don't do it Abbott. What do you mean? Abbott, do you realize how bad these guys are stuck? They got your wife Don't pay more than $20,000 to get rid of that old turkey Let me handle this Look, mister Abbott is willing to take his wife back, but it's gonna cost you $30,000. Well, you drive a hard bargain fatso Well, here's a 30,000. Hey Charlie finger in I just had the most exciting experience These two charming boys have been driving me around all over town Come on Charlie before this jerk changes his mind They're a sucker rabbit. We could have got 40,000 Quiet Castello, Betty darling, do you realize who those two men were? They were bandits. They were bad men. Oh, I thought they were pretty good Mrs. Abbott, how could a little short guy like that kiss a big tall woman like you? I boosted him up on a chair So what if I say how dare you? Castello, how can you suggest that my wife would stoop to kiss a bandit? She didn't stoop Abbott. She boosted him up on a chair Oh You insignificant imbecile, I'll missus Abbott missus Abbott when you call me that smile Why I'd like to hear the wind whistle through your teeth Tell all I have beautiful teeth. Yes one upper and one lower They ought to get together someday for lunch Cut that out castello My wife has had a very tough day our house burned down and she was kidnapped kidnapped by bandits and you're picking on her Why why do you continually insult my wife? I'm a bad And it's all because you wasted your time in school. I didn't waste my time in school Abbott We were so poor we went to school without any shoes and the kid that sat next to me his father was a millionaire I worked hard and he didn't I graduated and he failed and was expelled. I never saw him again until last week Do you know what he is today a bum, huh? No a millionaire's father died and left them all that money I Still I don't know what the future holds for you. Oh, baby. I can help him bud. Hey look at her. Let me see your hand I'll tell you okay My my What an interesting hand. Oh, this line tells me that you have six children. I ain't even married. You'd better get that line fixed Yes, this is your lifeline Oh my you'll live to be 28 years old But I'm 33 now. Oh, how do you like that, buddy's been dead for five years and doesn't even know it He's certainly not the place up with him that time But I insist you mop up with him today, you know how to handle them ladies and gentlemen You are just heard from a couple old ma panels She's the picture of hell. Did you notice her rosy red cheeks red cheeks are the sign of good health or glee Well tonight she was healthier on one side than she was on the other Pardon me gentlemen, which one of you is Costello? I am Luke Costello the boys in the Legion have been listening to your program Costello And we have decided to make you a member of the Legion Costello Do you realize what a none of this is how then you accept you will join the Legion? Oh sure, I'll be very very happy to join a legion good be at this address in an hour, and we will make you members. Good. Bye Abbott you ought to be proud of me think of it I'm going to be a member of the legion someday. I may be heard of the legion I may even get to be a big politician. I can see myself now at the meeting at the big four me Lana Turner Harry Lamar and Betty Grable later Wait a minute. What about that Lee the gall and Stalin let them get their own girls We'll return after these messages on radio theater Stay tuned in our next hour. I'll have the conclusion to the Abbott and Costello show plus beyond tomorrow right here on KRLD Welcome back to the KRLD radio theater. I'm your host Bob Gibson Time now for the conclusion to the Abbott and Costello show I may be wrong, but I think it's time for our singing star Susan Miller to sing the lyrics to I may be wrong It's the very first time You came along say I think you're wonderful I think your grand Susan here all aces life to me just isn't mellow Paces are all old legion headquarters office of the captain. Let's go in. Costello. There's a great honor for you Yes, it reminds you the time I went to Harvard. I was in a medical school. You went to Harvard medical school Yes, what were you studying? Nothing. They were studying me Let's go into the Legion office. Ah Haha, I see you have kept your word. You have come to join the Legion Costello I will now swear you in place your left hand over your heart and repeat after me after me Castella the man wants you to repeat after him. I beg your pardon after him No, no, no not after him. I want you to repeat after me Okay, after me Yeah, tell me what he says he wants you to repeat after me He means he wants you to repeat after him make up your mind Do I repeat after you or after him after him after me? Why don't you two guys go out in the alley and fight it out? Never mind that will dispense with the formalities Abbott and Costello. Do you wish to join the Legion? We do good You are now members of the Legion our boat leaves for Morocco tonight I didn't know the American Legion was having a convention in Morocco what American Legion you just joined the foreign Legion get going Dying the foreign Legion here. We are in this this rat infested ship. Look at that cutthroat crew Look at the captain. He's standing on the bridge. Well the captain is supposed to stand on the bridge While it's still in the sailor's mouth The worst thing on this ship is the food Yes, it's pretty bad food Abbott. Yes, sir Today I threw my lunch overboard and the fish threw it back Well, I hope the food will be better when we reach foreign Legion headquarters I heard the food they eat there will make you as tough as nails. What do they eat nails? And the cheap kind penny nails Here comes the captain Hey, you too. I told you not to come up on deck if you disobey my orders again I'll cut your ears off I'll hang you from the main mask by your toes and stick this pool cue your ear and play billions with your eyeballs And if that don't work, I'll torch a yell Yeah, well, I can look you with both hands tied to the rail. Well, why don't you do it? All right, let me tie your hands to the rail Are you afraid of this guy? Nah, go ahead and play them. Suppose he does kill you. What's better than dying like a hero living like a coward You know, you're lucky you didn't start anything with me cuz you know why I jam my fist in your mouth Jog your teeth loose and beat you to a jelly Jam jar jelly heaven preservers What was that? The ship must be going around the horn Look, we're coming into shore ship on our ship. Come on Castella Nobody's watching us. Let's jump overboard and swim to shore quick. You jump first. Here I go Castella you just jumped into the water. How'd you get back on deck here again? Have it. Did you ever back into a swordfish? Come on Stella no one saw us get off that ship now You can only sneak across the desert we may escape from the foreign legions Abbott, I know the best way to escape. We'll take a boat and go up the nylon river Now you mean we'll go up the Nile River. Nile is something that goes on the girl's leg. Well, you go, you know Crossing the desert is dangerous Lou. The heat may affect your mind. You may even see a mirage. I Used to go steady with a mirage And dummy a mirage is something that you you can see but you can't get your hands on That's her She he was crazy about me. She's crazy without She loved me she come from a city in Turkey. I can't remember the name Istanbul. No, I have it. It's the truth I said Istanbul and I said it's no bullets of truth She was probably Turkish. Did she have an accent? No, but she talked through her nose and She had a cold boy. Could she keep up a running conversation? Where did you meet this girl? She was a dancer in a nightclub. She did the dance of the seven veils Monday night. She would take off the first veil Tuesday She'd take off the second veil Wednesday the third veil and Thursday the fourth veil the place to any business Sunday night. You couldn't get into the joint People couldn't wait till she took off that seventh veil to see the beautiful mink coach. She wore under it Scastella, there's no one around now. We've got to buy a camel and cross the desert I'll ask this guy where we can buy a camel pardon me, sir. Could you tell us where we can buy a camel? Don't bother me, but I just escaped from the foreign legion. I went home My wife ran away with my best friend. They took all my money and burned my house down that happened to me I I would have cut my throat. Why do you think I'm whispering? Abbott, there's a place we're looking for see that sign honest. Hassan used camel dealer But he's cutting his money nine thousand six hundred sixty-eight nine hundred thousand Mr. Hassan, what is it? What is it? Well, you made me lose count. I gotta start over That money later. We want to buy a camel. Oh customers. Oh, there's a bunch of dandy camels over there Do you mind if I carry a couple of them there? What do you want to carry a camel? Why not camels carried us for five years? Alright boys, what kind of a camel you want, huh? Would you like one hump or two one hump with lemon, please? What is that camel over there the one with the six humps? Oh, that's our station wagon model Well, we'll take him we've got to get across the desert. Oh, if you're going across the desert, you'll need a guide Oh guide the shifting sands blot out the trails my guide Abdul. He's the greatest of the desert Abdul can find a trail buried under tons of sand Abdul can find his way through anything Good. We'll hire Abdul now. Sorry. You can't have Abdul now. Why he's lost Come on, we've got to get out of here. We'll cross the desert alone Abbott. We've been on this desert for five days I can't stand it any longer. It's so hot you go on without me I'm only holding you back. My life is worthless. Anyway, we both can't make you have more to live for than I Abbott my beloved friend go on without me. I'll stay here and die No, no, don't say it Abbott don't say it. I I'm gonna stay here and die Nothing you can say will make me change my mind, but all right. You talk me into it. I'll go with it What are you doing out here in the middle of the desert selling the Los Angeles papers boy today give me a lousy corner Castella we only had some towels put over our heads to protect us from the heat Hey, look, there are three beautiful girls coming towards us one is wearing a towel for a scarf grab it Okay, I got it. The other one is wearing a towel for a turbine. Okay, I got it The other one is wearing okay. I got it What's that? She was wearing a towel for a towel That's all of this girl is beautiful. Look. She's wearing a veil over a face. She you're pretty Why are you wing wearing that veil over your face? It's the customs of the country Yes, you'd like to know how do I get through the customs? Castella Castella. We did it. We've crossed the desert look. There's a boat. We're going back to America We've escaped from the foreign legion. Come on Well castella we've been in sea for three days now. I wonder when we get home. I'll ask the captain Hey captain, when does the spoke get to America? This boat is not going to America We are taking prisoners to the foreign legion. That did it ever. I'm diving overboard Castella you just jumped in the water. How'd you get back on deck? Did you ever back into a swordfish? You did that joke before so what I like the joke. I'll do it again. Did you ever? You