 Join me and my roommates, Dr. Ed, Nurse Natasha, Gary Gray, and Hans the Butler as we talk about all things horror. Merry Christmas and welcome to my bungalow of blood. Bah, humbug! I hate Christmas. It's the most stressful time of the year. I love Christmas, even though I never get any presents, and I have to sleep under the tree outside. I've been stranded on this planet for over 100 years and I still don't understand a holiday that celebrates the birth of a magic baby by going into debt and tricking children to believe in a fat man in a red suit. Since it's that time of year, I'd only be fitting to review a Christmas horror movie. The gang and I hunkered down last night and watched 2022's Christmas Bloody Christmas on Shudder. I may hate Christmas, but I love a good bloodbath Christmas horror movie. So let's all grab an eggnog and have a little chat about it. Yeah. Don't drink too much, guys. You'll be stinking up the bathroom tomorrow morning. Diabetes in a glass? None for me. Eggs and rum sounds bloody disgusting. Come on, Gary, try some. You'll like it as much if not more than a green shit you drink. All right, all right. See? It's good. I am not going to be the one cleaning that up. I'll stick with the green shit. Thank you very much. Christmas Bloody Christmas is written and directed by Joe Begos. It is about an animatronic malsanta that goes haywire turning it into an evil killing machine. The plot really is that simple. Wait! What about the main characters? Party mouth Patty and mustache Mike. Actually, their names are Robbie and Tori. Tori owns a record store and Robbie is her employee. He is secretly in love with her. They have two friends who are the first to be killed by the evil animatronic Santa. Well, fucking in a toy store when it's snowing inside. Oh, so romantic. The evil Santa then targets Tori and Robbie, chasing them around town, and of course, they're the only ones that can stop it. This sounds very familiar. So, what do we all think of Christmas Bloody Christmas? I loved it. It's everything I wanted a movie. Violence, blood, gore, drinking, smoking, and flatio. I did not like it at all, except for the flatio. Was it my cup of eggnog? It had tons of potential, but in the end, I'd rather vomit on the floor again than give this another watch. Well, it looks like there's some mixed feelings, so let's talk about what we liked about the movie first. It's a beautiful looking movie. Yes, this movie looks fantastic. The color palette and vivid lighting give it a great surreal atmosphere. The Christmas lights and Christmas decor makes it really feel like it takes place during Christmas time. And the constant snowfall is a great added touch. This movie really is as beautiful as it is bloody. I really like the music. The score was really good. It's your typical horror movie synthwave score that has a retro feel with a modern edge. It complemented the look of the movie really well, having both a futuristic yet retro feel. The movie looks like time collapsed in on itself at every decade from the 80s to now was happening at the same time. Just for an example, in the record store there is vinyl, CDs, Blu-rays, DVDs, tapes, VHS, giving you the feeling it could take place in any given decade. The characters can be from the 80s, 90s, or even in the future. And the music really helps this timeless aesthetic they're going for. The kills and effects were fucking glorious. Yes, I'll have to agree with Dr. Ed. The kills in this movie are fantastic. Because this evil Santa is a robot, it has superhuman strength. It can split a man down the center with one swipe of an axe. He throws bodies around like ragdolls. And curbstomps a guy on a flight of stairs. That was, um, an interesting scene. I thought it was awesome. He curbstomps that guy's face on the stairs while mustache Mike is going down on pottymouth patty. Actually, as crazy as that sounds, that is the best scene of the movie. The robot Santa slaying a family is intercut with Robbie pleasing Tory to climax in the strange erotic yet barbaric surreal scene that works very, very well. That was my favorite part of the movie. And he didn't even get anything in return. Who says that he should? So what didn't we like about the movie? The dialogue was horrible. The characters were much to be desired. Santa killed a child with an axe on Christmas. This is where the movie falls down big time. The dialogue, the characters, and the character building. There wasn't one character I liked or sympathized with. Me either. That's because you're an alien, you oaf. I get what this movie was trying to do with the characters. There were supposed to be these alternative movie buff music nerds that us horror fans could relate to. And they spent a good 35 minutes trying to build up the characters. But man, the dialogue stunted that process big time. It's like the dialogue was written by a 13 year old in 1996. First off, I've never heard anyone talk the way these characters talk. Secondly, I don't know what age these people are supposed to be. They look like they're in their mid 20s. They talk like they're in their teens. But they make all these pop culture references to the 80s and 90s. So they could be like my age. And there was too much cursing. I curse as much or more than the average person. We've even been accused of cursing too much on this channel. So if I say there was too much cursing in this movie, that is saying something. And there is too much cursing in this movie. No fucking way. There is just the right fucking amount of fucking cursing in this fucking movie. I thought it was fucking perfect. Fuck. Like I said, real people just don't talk like this. So when I'm supposed to be relating to these characters, I'm actually being alienated by them. What did you call me? Not one line of dialogue in this movie was believable. Therefore making the acting unbelievable. I can't comment on the acting because the dialogue the actors were given was so poor. If you're gonna spend one third of the movie trying to build these characters up and all I want them to do is shut up or die, then you failed miserably. There was a few neat plot twists. Yeah, but because you don't give a flying fuck about these characters, the plot twists fall totally flat. And the pacing was off. And again, that has to do with the dialogue. These long, boring speeches where every second word is a curse. And none of it builds the characters or moves the story forward. You're one to talk about boring rants. And by the time you get to the final showdown, you don't care about Tori. In fact, you'd rather see her die. And there's way too many false finishes, which again hurts the pacing. And there wasn't much of a story. Besides a robot Santa going on a killing spree, there isn't much of a plot to this movie at all. What about Party Mouth Patty and Mustache Mike? Yeah, there is a secret love interest between Tori and Robbie. Fueled by whiskey and dope. Sounds more like lust to me. But that's a plot falls flat on its ass, because we don't give two eggnog diarrhea shits about either of them. This movie reminds me a lot of Hardware Mark XIII. Especially the overall look and the final showdown. This movie really is a hybrid between Silent Night Deadly Night and Hardware Mark XIII. Which sounds great on paper, but it's ultimately pretty stale. You're being too hard on it. It's just a campy horror movie. Yeah, but there's tons of campy 80s horror movies that has great characters that you care about, with less dialogue that's just as cheesy as this. That's pretty much every 80s horror movie. I hate to always go to the same well, but take Return of the Living Dead for example. It's campy, it's got cheesy dialogue, but I'll be damned if you don't feel a little sad when Suicide gets its head bit open by Tarman. Or when Trash gets eaten alive by a bunch of dirty old men. Or when Frank pushes himself into the incinerator. So having a cheesy movie that still has characters that we care about can be accomplished. This movie really shot itself in the foot. And blew off a few toes. If I were to give this movie a star rating I would say two out of five stars. It really pisses me off when movies have so much potential it just falls short of being a classic. And that's exactly what happened here thanks to horrible characters and horrible dialogue. It looked pretty, but it had zero substance. Like Natasha? Hey! Would I recommend this movie? Maybe if you're in the mood for something mindless, ultra-violent, full of cursing, pointless talking, and sex. Hey, maybe it's the movie for you. If it is, feel free to let me know. And Merry Christmas! God bless us, everyone! No, no, no. Let's be politically correct. Happy holidays! Bah, humbug. Is that universal enough for ya?