 The Jack Benny program, transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike. The cigarette that tastes better. It's light of time. Be happy, go lucky. It's light of time. For the taste that you like. Light up for Lucky Strike. Relax. It's light of time. This is Don Wilson, friends, and I certainly agree. There's no time like right now to light up a Lucky and find out firsthand what real deep down smoking enjoyment is. I mean the enjoyment that comes from better taste because a Lucky tastes better every time. And the reasons why are world famous. First of all, LSMFT, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. So fine, so light, so mild, it just naturally tastes better. And then something very important happens to Lucky's fine tobacco. It's toasted. It's toasted is the famous Lucky Strike process that brings Lucky's naturally good tasting tobacco to its peak of flavor. Tones it up to make it taste even better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. So right now while the show gets underway or whenever it's light up time for you, be happy. Go Lucky. Enjoy Lucky Strike, the best tasting cigarette you ever smoked. For the taste that you like, light up a Lucky Strike. Right now. Light up a Lucky. It's light up time. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Rochester, Dennis A. Bob Crosby, and yours truly, Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, today Jack Benny does another television show. But meanwhile, let's go back to Friday morning. As we look in on the Benny household, Jack is just finishing breakfast. Is everything all right, Mr. Benny? All fine, Rochester. But do you have a little more honey for the hot cakes? No, sir. We're all out of honey. Are you sure? Positive. I got the last drop there was. I was a hives and I'm too scared to squeeze bees. Stop being silly. Anyway, Rochester, you shouldn't be afraid of bees. They're industrious little creatures. Bees never bother people. They spend their entire lives gathering honey. They work from the time they're born till the time they die. That is all except the queen bee. I ain't gonna squeeze her majesty either. All right, all right. I'll have another cup of coffee. Cup of coffee, cup of coffee. Good morning, Polly. Good morning, blue eyes. Ah, she learned something new. Polly want a cracker? Polly wants a cup of coffee. No, no. I'll just give you a cracker. Boss, why don't you give her a little coffee and see whether she likes it or not? No, no, Rochester. We don't want to get her used to that. Give her a cracker. Ah! But, boss, what's a little coffee in the morning? It's not that, Rochester. It's where these things lead to. First, she'll want a little coffee in the morning. Then she'll want coffee at night. Then she'll want a little cognac in her coffee. Then she'll want plain cognac. And she'll start drinking whiskey. First thing you know, she'll belong to Parrots Anonymous. Oh, Polly, you haven't done anything yet. Say, Rochester, did Don Wilson phone me this morning? No, sir. There were no calls at all. He's supposed to call me about the commercial. I better call him. Gee, Parrots are funny. The way they keep repeating everything they hear. She called me blue eyes just because the garbage man does. Now, let's see. What's Don Wilson's number again? Oh, yes, Crest U-40987. Hmm, that's funny. I don't get any dial tone. I still don't get the dial tone. Rochester, the phone seems to be out of order. Could be. It hasn't run all morning. Gee, I wonder what could be wrong. This is awful, Rochester. I'm going over to Coleman's house. Next door, I'll use their phone to report it to the company. OK, boss. Gee, imagine my phone going out of order. Hope that Ronnie is home so I can use his. Hmm, the weather's nice. Look at my garden. It's amazing how fast things grow here when we have a little warm spell. Look at all that ivy. It's almost completely covered rimly. There wasn't a thing growing there when he fell on New Year's Eve. Oh, good morning, Mr. Benny. Oh, good morning, Sherwood. Is Mr. Coleman at home? No, sir, he took Mrs. Coleman to the hospital a few minutes ago. The hospital? Yes, this morning she sat on one of your bees. Yeah, I hope it wasn't Harry. He's such a good worker. She didn't kill it. She rose very promptly. Oh, good, good. Well, the reason I came over is I'd like to use your telephone. Oh, a business in New York again. No, no, mine seems to be out of order. I'd like to report it. Oh, well, come right in. Here's the phone. I'd better call the operator. Operator? Operator, I'd like to report a phone that's not working. Yes, sir. What is the address and phone number, please? 366 North Camden Drive. The phone number's Crestview-4-0555. Very good, sir. Now, what seems to be the trouble? Well, the phone doesn't work. I want to find out whether it's out of order or disconnected. Disconnected? I'll have to check it out. Oh, good. I want to find out whether it's out of order or disconnected. Disconnected? I'll have to check in our books. What is your name, please? Jack Benny. Jack Benny? Oh, your phone couldn't be disconnected. The case doesn't come up till next week. Well, then it must be out of order, then. I'll report that to our repair department, sir. Thank you. Goodbye. Thank you for letting me use the phone, Sherwood. Oh, that's quite all right, Mr. Benny. I'll see you to the door. Oh, by the way, Mr. Benny, I meant to tell you that I saw your last television show. Oh, really? Did you like it? Unfortunately, yes. What do you mean, unfortunately? Well, I was watching it secretly when I couldn't control myself and gave vent to a burst of laughter. Well? Well, Mr. Coleman came in, caught me and sent me to bed without my crumpets. Well, that's a shame. Well, thanks again for letting me use the phone. You're quite welcome. Good day. Goodbye. Yeah, I can't understand, Ronnie. Well, it takes all kinds of people to make a world, I guess. Hey, look at that ivy. Someone must have put big arrow on it. It's completely grown over, Frank. No, no, somebody moved him. Hmm. Look you, get over on that flower. You can't get honey out of leaves. I don't know, I have to tell everybody what to do. It's tough being the boss. Rochester, I'm back. That's good. Mr. Wilson's waiting in the den. Oh, Don's here? Yeah, Jack, I tried to call you about the commercial but your phone was out of order. Want me to come out there? No, no, I'll come into the den. Don, Don, why are you sitting on the floor? I'm not sitting on the floor. There's a chair under me. Oh, you know, Don, you flatten more things than Christian Dior. Yeah, you have the sportsman with you. Hi, fellas. All right, all right. Now, Don, what number did you want to talk to me about? Oh, Jack, we have a wonderful arrangement of the Raymond Orberture and I thought it'd be even better if you'd play your violin in it. Do you really think so, Don? No. Why did you say it? I don't know, it was just a big fat impulse. Impulse or not, I'm going to take you up on it. Wait till I get my violin. OK, fellas, let's go. The Raymond Orberture. Just wonderful. I'm certainly glad that I was a part of it. And, Don, it was such a good idea that I think I'm going to give you and the boys a raise. Really, Jack? It was just a big fat impulse and I'm over it. See you later, Don. So long, fellas. Want me to answer that, boy? No, no, I'll get it. I already checked everything outside and I can't find that wrong. I climbed to the top of the pole and everything's OK there. Well, how could you have climbed the pole? You're not wearing those shoes with spikes. I got long toenails. Anyway, since I can't find a trouble outside, maybe it's right in the phone. It probably is. There's no dial tone. Come in and look at it. OK. The phone's right over here, Mr... Alexander Graham Bell III. Alexander Graham Bell III? Are you descended from the man who invented the telephone? Oh, is that what Graham put down? No wonder they gave me the job. Well, here's the phone. Hey, you're right. There ain't no dial tone. Well, pick up the receiver first. For heaven's sake. Oh, yeah. I don't hear no dial tone. I told you. That's what's wrong with you. That's a dial tone. That's the door button. Yes, sir. Will you answer the door? I think I found out what's the trouble. What? What? Oh, this here thingamajig here's loose. See, it spins around. That's the dial. I can't understand why the phone company would send a man like... Excuse me, Mr. Benny. What is it, Rochester? Who is at the door? It's Mr. Sammy Wise. He wants to see you. Sammy Wise? Who's he? He's from the band on your program. Sammy the drummer. Oh, so his name is Wise. I thought his last name was the drummer. What does he want? He wants to see you privately. He's in the next room. Well, I better go and see what he wants. Excuse me, Mr. Bell. Call me out. I hope you have the phone fixed when I come back. Hello, Sammy. Hello, Mr. Benny. You want to see me? Yeah, it's kind of personal matter. Personal? What can I do for you? Well, I wish you'd make the other boys in the band stop picking on me. The boys pick on you? But Sammy, you're the biggest guy in the band. You're six foot five. If the other musicians hit you, hit them back. Oh, they don't do anything physical. They tease me. Tease you? How? They call me Claude Hopper. They call me Dopey. And any right dirty words on my drum. No. Yeah, not only that, they're always calling me Baldi. Well, Sammy, you shouldn't be sensitive about that. Lots of men lose their hair as they get older. I've been bald since I was seven. No kidding. That's amazing. How'd you have to lose your hair so early? I didn't lose it. I grew so fast, I pushed through it. Pushed through it? A likely story. That's my excuse. What's yours? Never mind. Anyway, don't worry, Sammy. I'll tell the rest of the boys in the band to be nicer to you. Well, they should. After all, I'm always doing sweet things for them. Like what? Well, just a little while ago, I trimmed the ivy off Bramley and took him home. Oh, so that's where he went. Boy, will Frankie be amazed when he wakes up in a bed. Imagine. I put him under a table. I didn't want to shock him. Well, that was sweet, Sammy. Well, I'll tell the other boys about this. I'm sure they'll all be nicer to you. Gee, thanks, Mr. Benny. Bye. Goodbye. Yeah, I really have to talk to the boys in the band. I don't want Sammy to quit. Looks so good sitting way up there in the middle of the Yorkshire with that smile painted on his head. Well, I better go back and see if that guy's got the phone fixed. Now, look, don't interrupt me, Tully. I don't care if you have got them cooked. I ain't coming home tonight. I'm going out with the boys. Yeah, that's right. We're going to play cards, and you need to wait up for me, because I don't know what time I'm coming home. Yeah, you hide me. Oh, you got the phone fixed? No, I'm just rehearsing what I'd like to say to my wife. But wait a minute. I think I found out what's wrong. Disconnection is loose. I'll fix it. Yeah, that does it. Now I'll lift the receiver. Oh, she's all fixed. Oh, fine. Thanks. I'll show you to the door. Well, goodbye. Goodbye. Thanks a lot, Al. Well, I'm glad the phone is fixed. Now I can make that important call I had to make to... Hmm. I forgot who I had to call. I mentioned it to Rochester. Maybe he remembers. Oh, Rochester! Where'd he go? Now, who did I want to call? It was very important. Oh, now I remember who it was. Hello? Hello, Don. This is Jack. When the world's a matter, Jack, who are you mad at? You. You were supposed to call me this morning about the commercial. But, Jack, we were just over to your house and we did it. Oh, yes. I forgot. Goodbye. That's the silliest thing I've ever done. I was never so embarrassed. All people, I had to do it to Don Wilson. It's like an elephant who he never forgets. And even if he does forget, he's still like an elephant. Sometimes I think, is that you, Rochester? Yes, sir. Where were you? I just went out to get the mail. Oh, is there anything important? Well, this looks important. The envelope is marked from the county of Los Angeles. Hmm, let me see. Oh, no. What's the matter, boss? I've been called for jury duty. Just when I'm so busy. Well, you know, Mr. Benny, it's everyone's civic duty to serve on a jury once in a while. But, Rochester, I'm so busy. Gotcha. I got radio, television, and personal appearances. Yeah, I guess everybody has their own problems. Here, they expect you to give up your job and devote your full time to serving on the jury for just $3 a day. Sure. It's not right that... $3 a day? Hmm. Boss, you begin to get that civic duty look in your eye. You're right, Rochester. I'm going. A citizen should never shirk his three... I mean duty. I'll see you later. Now, she'll have a lot of courts in this building. Let's see. Where's the one I'm supposed to report to? Oh, here it is. Yes, sir. May I help you? Well, I think so. I was told to report for jury duty. Oh, well, they're interviewing the prospective jurors in the next room. Oh, then I'll go in there. Before you do, I'll have to get some information from you for our records. Yes, ma'am. Your name? Jack Benny. Jack Benny. Address? The 366 North Camden Drive. 366 North Camden Drive. Your occupation? Silly me. Imagine asking you a question like that. Everyone knows you, Mr. Benny. Oh, thank you. Occupation? The Keeper. That's right, but I'm also a bit of a comedian. Yes, I know your slogan. Get your honey from the man that's funny. That's right. Now let's get on with the question. Your height? 5'10". Your weight? 158 pounds. The color of your eyes? Oh, they're blue, aren't they? Bluer than the thumb of a hitchhiker in Anchorage, Alaska. Yes, I've noticed that. Your age? 39. 39? Why, that's a surprise. You look much younger. Well, thank you. I'm a bit of a comedian myself. Now, tell me, Mr. Benny, have you ever served on a jury before? No, ma'am. Have you ever been in court before? Yes, every month with the telephone company. But I don't think that would disqualify me from being a juror. No, I guess not. Now let's see. Hello, Superior Court. Miss, I'd like some advice. How do I go about divorcing my husband? I must get rid of him. Well, you have to have grounds for divorce. Ground? Yes. Has he deserted you? No. Has he failed to support you? No. Has he gone out with other women? No. Well, has he been cruel to you? No. Well, I'm sorry, madam, but if you don't have grounds, you can't divorce your husband. Oh. Well, I tried to do it the nice way, Herman. I guess she doesn't need me anymore. Now, getting back to you, Mr. Benny, I have all the information I need. What do I do now? Go right in that room where they're interviewing the prospective jurors and talk to the judge. Yes, ma'am. Excuse me, are you the judge? Well, who do you think I am in this long black robe vampire? Now look, Judge, I came down here for jury duty. I know. Raise your right hand. What? Raise your right hand. All right there. Are you going to swear me in? No. I just wanted to see if that old suit would hold together. You know, I've got a good mind to send you up for contempt. Why? What did I say? Nothing. You're just contemptible. Just a second. I came down here because I wanted to do my civic duty and you insult me. You can't talk to me that way. I'm Jack Benny. Well, you can't be a juror on this case. Why not? This case is Jack Benny versus the telephone company. Oh yes, I remember now. I lost twice, so this time I asked for a jury trial. I've got nice legs. Ladies and gentlemen, Jack will be back in a minute to tell you about his television program, which goes on at 7 p.m. tonight over the CBS television network. But right now, here's a suggestion for you. That's a grand idea for a pleasant Sunday evening at home. Or any time at all when you want to enjoy a really great cigarette. Just lean back and light up a lucky. Because every lucky you light is sure to give you better taste. And here's why. First, luckies are made of fine tobacco. Lucky strike means fine tobacco. Light, mild, naturally good tasting tobacco. And then that tobacco is toasted. It's toasted is the famous lucky strike process that tones up luckies' fine tobacco, brings it to its peak of flavor, makes it taste even better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. So right now, friends, or any time at all when it's light up time for you, make it a lucky, the best tasting cigarette you ever smoked. For the taste that you like, light up a lucky strike. For the taste that you like, light up a lucky strike. Right now. Light up a lucky. It's light up time. Ladies and gentlemen, as I said, I'm going to tell you about my television show tonight. Now, this isn't for you people who are at home and can see it. This is for the people who are riding in their cars. Now, this television show opens where I... Uh-oh, I see I haven't got time. So stop in at the nearest house and watch it. Tonight, see you on television. Tonight's show tonight was written by Milk Josephsburg, John Takkeberry, Hal Goldman, Al Gordon, and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks. Filter smokers, true tobacco taste, real filtration, famous Tarleton quality. They're all yours when you smoke Filter Tip Tarleton. Filter Tip Tarleton gives you all the full, rich taste of Tarleton's quality tobacco and real filtration, too. Because Filter Tip Tarleton incorporates activated charcoal, renowned for its unusual powers of selective filtration. Look for the red, white, and blue stripes on the package. They identify Filter Tip Tarleton, the best in filtered smoking. The Jack Benny program is brought to you by the American Tobacco Company, America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes.