 Jack Fanny is the guest of Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman on the Halls of Ivy. Welcome again to Ivy. Ivy College, that is, in the town of Ivy, USA. For the past few days, Dr. William Todd Hunter Hall, President of Ivy College, has been almost completely unaware of the undercover campus activities of his wife Victoria, former star of the English stage. In fact, he betrays his unawareness by asking at the breakfast table. Vicky, my darling, I've been so busy lately, I've hardly seen you. What have you been doing? That's interesting. Oh, the usual thing, sorry. I chairman the book Club Monday, met with the faculty when we were in this, gave the student mother's group a short lecture on diapher folding on Thursday, met with the other... Excuse me, but where did you learn diapher folding? In the theatre in England. Really? Of course, I know naturally that no course in dramatics is complete without the eternal triangle, but my mental picture of that geometric figure seems to have been badly fainted. To me, you were always the glamorous beauty, weighted on hand and put by adoring lackeys, champagne at elbow, and stubbing violins behind the potted pound. Well, I've seen my share of potted lackeys in my day, but... This is before I rated a star in my dressing room door, when I was the prom well kid, the one with the rather good legs in the second row. Well, what else have you been doing? Well, for one thing, I've signed Jack Benny for the annual charity benefit show. That's nice. What else? Well, you mean what else? Didn't you hear what I just said? Of course, I heard you, my sweet. You signed somebody for the annual Ivy Benefit Show. It's not just somebody, Toddy. Jack Benny. Oh, how did you manage to persuade this, uh, this John Benny to help out? John, Toddy, Jack. Oh, you know, the, the instant intimacy established between two members of the theatrical world is a beautiful thing. Three minutes after meeting for the first time, you'll find them lost in a fervent embrace, calling each other darling, swearing never to part again, and as they leave each other, murmuring, he looks a lot thinner in pictures. I wonder if he wears a girdle. You know so much about it, dear. You must know who Jack Benny is. Oh, the name is familiar to me, of course. Jack Benny, yes, he's in radio, isn't he? Mr. Benny is radio. He's a father in all encompassing statements, my dear, it seems to me. How about, uh, Carlson born and, uh, meet the funny people? That is it. See, that's two shows, darling, people of funny and greet the people. Charity's new dose, you do realize what a wonderful thing it's going to be to have Jack Benny here, right here on the campus. The greatest drawing card we've ever had. Someone at the door, Vicki. You're all right, darling. I'll get it. You make the brand. Bells, bells, doorbells, telephone bells, classroom bells. I'd like you to meet Mr. Morton, Milton Morton, Mr. Benny's advanced man. Oh, yes, yes. How do you do, Mr. Morton? Hiya, Dr. Hall. Thought as long as I was fixing up this guess shot for Jack, I might as well meet the big wheels. Probably won't have to bother you with the details. I think I got everything nailed down. Okay, uh, nailed down. You know, he just means he's got everything under control, dear. The publicity, billboard, concession, parking facilities, you know. Incidentally, is there a hunk of high brass around here named Willman or, or Wallman or something? A, a, a Clarence Wallman? Clarence Wellman? Oh, yeah, yeah. That's him. Clarence Wellman. What goes with him anyway? Oh, hypertension? And an interesting assortment of anxiety neuroses to give you a clinical answer, Mr. Morton. Why do you ask? Well, he's been chasing me around all day yesterday and this morning on the telephone. He's up on his big fat ear about something and, well, I've been ducking him till I could finish my job. Who'd you say he was? Mr. Wellman is the chairman of the Board of Governors of Ivy College. Oh, oh, fine. Got to be such a pest yesterday that I had been leaving messages all around town telling him to go fry a pig. What is this typhoid marriage, particular grief? Does he hate asses? I don't know. To be perfectly fair to Mr. Wellman, he has nothing but the best interests of this college of art. Yeah, then why would he... However, his methods are somewhat lacking in grace. Apparently, he has a heart of gold and an abiding fear that someone will report his possession of it to the government. How about a little coffee, Mr. Morton? Oh, no, no, thanks. I had my breakfast earlier. Two boiler makers and a pound of Benza drinks. No, I just wanted to check in, Doctor, and tell you how we appreciate Mrs. Hall. Oh, nonsense. I don't think it's nonsense, Victoria. I'm merely to know you is to appreciate you. Oh, thank you. Thank you for coming by, Mr. Morton, and I'm sure Mr. Bunny's appearance will be most successful. They need to be a lot funny. Oh, oh, well, wasn't there a John Bunny? Doubtchap played opposite a woman named Flora Finch, I believe. Well, when I was a boy... No, no, that was another fellow, Doctor. No, this is Jack Benny. Rimes with Penny if he can arrange it. And believe me, he can. Inside joke, I tell you. Mrs. Hall, thanks for your help and take my word for it. You were a help. Now, never underrated, Doc. This kid's really half. Well, it's nice to have met you both. Goodbye. Well, it's nice to know I am married to a charming, beautiful woman who is also a kid that is half. I suppose, from Mr. Morton's tone of voice, that this is the show business equivalent of the Nobel Prize. Well, yes. It was intended to be complimentary at least. Yeah, I'm going over to the auditorium, Tony. Wait a minute, darling. I'll go to the door. Dr. Hall. Oh, please, come in. You're welcome. I did not come over here for bandy words, Dr. Hall. I came because of the situation which this campus, I mean, which affects seriously the dignity and the... What I mean is, when Ivy College must do to acquire the services of a radio buffoon, it holds to some charity affair. It's a pretty, how do you do, Mr. Hall? How do you do, Mr. Hall? I assume you are speaking of the guest appearance here of Mr. Jack Benny. I certainly am. It's bad enough that we should seek the assistance of this performer, and worse, that the wife of our president should not only have indicated this affair. Mr. Wellman. But what is it? Specifically, what is your complaint? Do you object to Mr. Benny as a performer, Mr. Wellman? Definitely not, Mrs. Hall. As radio comedian's goal, he is probably very good. In fact, he is good. I have heard him several times myself. He has even made me laugh. Out loud. No. Yes. What? Nothing. Oh. Do you realize what this man and his accomplices have done, Dr. Hall? No, but anyone who can make you laugh out loud, Mr. Wellman, must have far as denied two ordinary mortals. But what has this genius done now? It is disgraceful. As you must know, there are certain coincidental sources of revenue, which accompany many public and semi-public functions here with Ivy. Extra chair rental, park intonation, refreshments. These are things which have traditionally been the rights and prerogatives of local people. But exactly what? Do you know who has, has by some sort of conniving, made arrangements to handle all these concessions himself? You, you don't mean... Jack Benny! He signed up every possible need of revenue. He will sell the programs. He will rent the extra chairs. He will sell the hot dogs. He will park the cars. And for 29 cents, he will watch them. He will open to Mr. Morton about it. I can't catch up with the man. I've telephoned him all day yesterday, no morning this morning. And when I finally did get word from him, I was told to go try a piece. Mr. Wellman, was there anything illegal or unethical in the manner in which these concessions were acquired by Mr. Benny? Well, no, but it has always been... Traditionally, they have always been... Local businessmen have always assumed... I mean, they have always been What group of local businessmen, Mr. Wellman? Well, I wouldn't exactly say it was a group, but the fact remains that... Well, do you mean that one local man has always had these concessions? Yes, but... Anyone we know, Mr. Wellman? Yes, that is... Would the money from these concessions have been turned over to the charity, Mr. Wellman? The group concerned has always given very generously. Well, I will not defuse the questions. I believe in the principle of giving and the principle of having the principle of giving and letting. Good night, Mr. Wellman. Get it. Start to hold, residents. Oh, yes, Mr. Morton. Indeed you may. We'll be delighted. Yes. Goodbye. Jack Benny is on his way over. Yes. Now, do I need any particular coaching or information to talk to a radio comedian? Darling, you don't need any coaching to talk to anybody. In any business or profession, there are certain subjects to be avoided. Yeah, well, don't worry about it, Mr. Benny. There's nothing... Oh, yes, there is one thing... What's that? Well, he made one rather unfortunate motion picture. Well, we better not refer to it. Oh, no, no. No, of course we haven't. Cinematic skeleton in a professional plot. Well, what picture was it? Yes, I remember the name of it. It was, um... something at midnight. Well, it would be safer to talk about motion pictures at all. Fortunately, I am not particularly locations on the subject. Billy Dub, I think, was my last really emotional picture. Oh, oh, yes. You let him in party. I'll run upstairs and let my fix it. Imagine me being so nervous. Hmm. I guess it's up to me. I don't think it's a single joke. Oh, well. One shouldn't tell jokes to a comedian anyway. He put in the floor to admit he hasn't heard it before. Oh, Dr. Hall, I'm Jack Benny. Ah, yes, Mr. Benny, we were expecting you. Please come in. Thank you. May I take your hat? And your violin case? Uh, thank you. Thank you very much, Dr. I'll put your hat here on the table violin case in the corner. Valuable instrument, is it? Strad. Really? A Stradivarius? Well, no, no, no, just a Strad. A friend of mine makes them. Herman Strad makes them. That is, he used to make them before his accident. Accident? Oh, nothing serious. No, no, no, just a few bruises on the throat and try to sell one to Hy-Fest. You've heard of them, Jackies, Hy-Fest. Is Mrs. Hall here, Doctor? Oh, yes, yes, you'll be down in just a minute. Sit down, won't you? Can I get you something to drink? Well, yes, yes. If you have some, I'd like a glass of beer. Fine, fine, I'll get it for you. She, they, Halls, have a nice little, hey? Hey, this must be his diploma on the wall. Let's see what it says. Semperis universitum. Semperis universitum. Know all ye men that William Todd Hunter Hall has this day been made a bachelor of arts. Bachelor? Then what is she? Oh, I guess he got that diploma while he was single. That reminds me of the one I have hanging on my back porch. Sick Tempest, a victim, hiked at Valorum. Not responsible for laundry left over 30 days. Look at all the books the professor has here. Look at the titles. Origin of the Species by Charles Darwin Einstein's Field of Nuclear Fiction The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire by Gibbon The G-String Murder Mystery by Dixie L. D. See, the professor sure has good taste in books. I ought to know, I read them all except the G-String Murder Mystery. Be happy, so lucky, I'm just a minute. Oh, fine, fine. Nice place you have here, Doctor. Yes, thank you. Very comfortable. But I imagine it looks rather insignificant compared to Radio City. Oh, I don't live in Radio City. Oh, oh, oh. See, I live in California. Oh, do you really? Well, I have many friends out there. Dr. Lyon and I carried on one chess game for 18 months over the Long Distance phone. You did? Long Distance? Oh, yes, yes, indeed. It's quite a usual custom among college professors. 18 months? Of course, in this case, it was exceptional. We were very evenly matched. Is Dr. Lyon a banker? Oh, no, no. He's president of Pomona College. Oh, 18 months. Long Distance. It's a three-time forest swell. 18, which is... Well, I'm very glad to meet you, Dr. Hall. Thank you. You live in Hollywood, Mr. Benny? Beverly Hills. See, I live there because it's very expensive. Well, I must say, that seems an odd reason. Oh, well, prestige, you know, and you can get far better prices. Prices, yes. For what? No laundry, car wash. You know, I don't... Oh, that's very funny, Mr. Benny. Very funny indeed. I must remember that you are a comedian. Yes, yes. Yes, you must. Oh, darling. This is my wife, Mr. Benny, Victoria, Mr. Jackman. How do you do, Mrs. Hall? I'm delighted to meet you, Mr. Benny, and so grateful. I can't tell you how kind you were to come here to visit. Oh, it's nothing, nothing. Oh, but it is. Nothing? No, no, it's a great thing. I still read my variety, and I know what prices are these days. I just read last week that Mr. Benny's salary at the Palladium in London. Oh, please, please, Mrs. Hall, you know how theatrical trade paper is exaggerating when you figure the rate of its change. It was nothing at all. I came back with nothing, really. Nothing? Nothing? I wouldn't even be a telephone bill for Dr. Hall there. 18 months. Vicki, we were talking about California. Mr. Benny lives in Beverly Hills. Yes, yes, I'm right next door to Ronald Coleman. The who? Ronald Coleman, the movie actor. Oh, sorry, you've heard of him. Oh, yes, I remember. Yes, saw him in, let me see, a tale of two cities. Overplayed it a bit, I thought. Yes, I thought so. Well, I just love him. Oh, we're very close friends. You see, neighbors can be so close. Don't you think? Yes, indeed. Oh, yes, one can learn and profit much. Someone's neighbor. Yes, yes, yes. Yes, indeed. Ronnie and Bonita. That's Mr. Coleman's wife. Such nice people. See, we exchange Christmas cards every year. Do you ideally love Christmas cards? You do? Really? Well, they're sort of a hobby with me. I almost never go away without them. I take that somewhere, let me think. Oh, yes, of course, how silly of me. I always carry samples in my violin. Excuse me, Mr. Benny. Oh, you go right ahead, Doc. Now, in this collection, this is all, I have some beautiful snow things, and there's some churches. Oh, yes, I do remember putting in a few of Ivy's covers. How are you? How are you? Dr. Hall speaking. Oh, yes, yes, Professor. Well, I'm busy just now, but may I call you back? When? About 12 o'clock tonight, right after the show? All right, Professor, goodbye. Who was it, dear? Professor Hornblow, darling, but he's going out and won't be back until quite late. I must talk to him and his wife about redecorating the Great Hall. Now, don't forget to remind me. To do what? To call them. The Hornblows at midnight. Here's your bill, Doctor. Bill, are you being paid in advance, Mr. Benny? Well, so many people change their minds about Christmas cards. Christmas cards? Well, yes, dear. Mr. Benny does happen to have some that I absolutely love, so... Of course. Of course, darling, I'm delighted. Particularly with the sacrifice Mr. Benny is making to be here. I'm glad you bought a few. Well, thank you. Here's the bill. Oh, let's see. Oh, Jack Benny's tower of space, green radio and television. Christmas cards, $12.00 a hundred. 200 cards, $24.00. 200, Vicky. I'm glad I didn't talk on the phone any longer. All right, here is, uh, uh, here is, uh, $25.00, Mr. Benny. Thank you. Well, let's see. Where did I put my violin case? Oh, yes. Here's $3.00 change. The extra $2.00 for Mrs. Hall's theatrical discount. Thank you. Thank you. Yours... Yours is not a mis-friend youth, Vicky. Well, excuse me. I just knew that he... This is the life of a college president, Mr. Benny. At the beck and call of bells. Never a moment you can call your own. It's Mr. Wellman, dear. Dr. Hall, I heard that Mr. Benny was here. Yes, he is, Mr. Wellman. Mr. Benny, this is Mr. Clarence Wellman, chairman of our Board of Governors. Hello, Clarence. Mr. Benny, your advancement, Mr. Morton, has tied up every concession in this town. Tickets, the program, the parking, the car wash. Popcorn. Yes, popcorn. Concessions that are normally handled by a local group. This, I consider most unethical. And in addition to this, we have to pay all Mr. Benny's expenses. And another thing, Mr. Wellman, Mr. Benny has come a long distance to help our local charity. And without any fees. This is far more than we had any right to expect. If he has outwitted a local group in manipulating his extracurricular activities so that he emerges with a profit, well, I suggest that we appoint him the dean of our School of Economics. Now, is there... Anything else, Mr. Wellman? Mr. Hall, that is not it. I can find my way out. Well, Mrs. Hall, I hope you're coming to the show tonight. Oh, we wouldn't miss it for anything. And that student body of ours would be the greatest audience in the world. I know, I've played to them. I'd better get out of here and get ready. Thanks very much, Dr. Hall. It's been a real pleasure meeting you. We'll see you right after the show then. Yes, you must say the statue to the airport. No, no, I'm afraid Morton has the car waiting for me. Here's a little note I wrote to you, Mr. Hall. All right, thank you. And Dr. Hall, if you ever come to Beverly Hills, give me a ring, will you? I would be delighted. You know, somehow I feel just as if you were a neighbor of mine. Well, goodbye. Goodbye. It wasn't the show. Absolutely wonderful. It certainly was. And so was Jack Benny. I haven't laughed so much for years. But, Bicky, doesn't he play that violin abominably? By the way, have you read his note yet? Oh, his note. I forgot it. I have it in my bag. Well, read it, darling. Dear Mrs. Hall, I saw you in London a long time ago and gave them tears. When I found out it was you that wanted me to come, I couldn't wait. Isn't that charming? You gave me tears in London, so I hope I've given you a few laughs, but I did. Incidentally, though I hate to admit it, I think your husband was terrific. Well, I don't think so. I think your husband was terrific. My best always, Jack Benny, P.S. The enclosed check is the confession money I took from Mr. Wellman and his, quote, local group, unquote. Will you give it to the charity with my love and affection? Besides, I made an absolute killing in Christmas cards. I'm a starring Mr. Mrs. Ronald Coleman. Ken Carpenter speaking. This is the United States Armed Forces Radio Service, The Voice of Information and Education.