 Hi, what's up, y'all? My name is Allen. As always, I'm your host. Welcome to another episode of The Table. We are joined at The Table by two new guests. I'm gonna have Deidra introduce yourself first. Just your name, your age, your relationship status. Ooh. Deidra Carter, AKA D. Berry Monroe. Portia Cosme Stella. I love her. I am 35, and I am single. Thank you. Who you gonna talk about? Who you gonna talk about? I'm gonna talk about that. I am Shanika Robinson, better known as Nika Dine, better known as Queen Neek, and I am 40 and single, chow. I'm Stella. You ain't Stella. I'm still single. Give my name back. I'm Stella Burdy. Where's one stage back? We gonna talk about it. We gonna talk about it. But before we get to it, Porky, you famous now? I know you're one real. It's a 2 million right now. What has been the reception as far as like, what have you seen and what, I guess what would you like to say to the people? What do you think they miss? What do you think they got? What impact do you think your phrase, your people quoting you right now? I'm getting quoted, girl, it's quoteable. You feel like an A. It was a powerful moment. So that was a lot. I'm gonna try to answer all those if I forget one. Just let me know. Thank you. First and foremost, thank you guys for supporting us, how you do. We appreciate it all. The comments, the criticisms, the shout outs, the kudos, all of it. It's appreciated. Honestly, it just feels regular. I'm not somebody I get uncomfortable when people know me. That's not good because of the fact that of the business I'm in, but I like being behind the scenes. So it's been a little bit strange, but more so I'm just taking it as it comes. So there ain't nothing changed, but a bunch of views on social media for sure. Now I have had a lot of like friends reach out to me, whether it be through comments on stuff or direct messages or texting me, just thanking me for saying it, which I mean, you're welcome. I love y'all mean it. It's from the heart. That part I can appreciate because I didn't expect for it to touch nobody like it did, but I appreciate how folks are taking it and understanding that it's necessary. Right. Y'all gonna get off my guy. You miss the context of the conversation. Always remember when Alan shows y'all a clip of something, it's just a clip. We have to understand that, and I know why you did it because you knew what reaction was gonna get. We gotta stop feeding into those reactions people. Understand that you gotta see it from the whole episode, not just that, because my guy wasn't just singling out fashion women, I promise you. I wouldn't let that happen. We're not playing those games here. Do you see this pineapple? I would never. That means business. It means business, you know. We're not doing that, but get off my guy, but no for real. Thank you guys for supporting us. I love it. Feel free, and you can DM me like the ladies with the questions about makeup and stuff. I am a makeup artist, so you ain't gotta comment there. I'm probably not gonna see it because I'm not supposed to look at comments and stuff. I see them when y'all at me, and I try to respond to them. If you have questions about makeup, about what I said, you just wanna talk, you just wanna be lifted up, please feel free to DM me. I'm not that girl that's gonna be like, oh, honey, I don't know you, I'm not gonna talk to you. Now, if you weird, I'm just gonna delete you and block you. Period. But I want people to know that when I say these things, I mean them. I'm all for uplifting us, making us better as a people. So if you need something and I got some grace or some light to share with you, I will. For sure. I think I answered everything. You did. Phenomenal job. Phenomenal job. So what was your take, man? Because they were coming for you in the comments. Some people would share it and be like, if only they had cut out that part. Yeah. What do you think about it? I just felt the accountability part. They didn't receive the accountability because when we was having a conversation, I was saying that what she said was something, we knew it was an impactful moment, because you could see the response between me and Alan. We was like, oh, yeah, say that. They need to hear that. So when you started talking about it and you gave that PowerPoint to women needing to know that and I said, well, they need to hear that from women. They didn't like that. But if they were to watch the whole video, they'd understood the context and what's the whole conversation was leaning towards. But they didn't get that. They got that clip of death. That clip of death was like, hey, I ain't feeling that. I'm in the comments like, go watch the whole video. They like, nah, I ain't finna do that. Yeah. It's all right. They ate you up and chewed you out, but it's okay. They was only like, yeah. And the thing about it too is like, and I told you this, unfortunately our community is set up in a way where the only way to get our attention is inflammatory shit, right? You gotta piss people off or turn people on. Without a doubt. So now as somebody's trying to market all this work that we're putting in, I have to piss people off and turn people off. Hoping that they actually go watch it, but most of the time that doesn't happen. But let's transition. So I'ma get y'all up to speed. Yeah, I'm out here cause we over here live. What's going on? So episode one, we pretty much, we argued a little bit. Oh, okay. It was two other young ladies, the three other young ladies. And basically we were just having a conversation about what are the things that men misunderstand about women? What are the things women misunderstand about men? And is the grace that we are asked to show to each other? Is it equitable, right? Are we thinking as men about the perspective of women and vice versa? So episode two, I called that progress cause I think we made progress cause Orkie, she was coming at us, episode one. But episode two, also it was only three of us on episode two. So we really had in-depth conversations that we were on the couch. And then episode three, that's the viral clip. I'm hoping that we're progressing this conversation and moving it in the right direction. And I guess we can use this Will Smith situation. Cause a lot of men are talking about it. A lot of women are talking about it. I'm gonna start with you, matter of fact. What's your take on the entire situation? And is there a part of this that you feel like we're missing or people aren't focusing on? I wouldn't say it's a part that we're not focusing on. I would say there's probably a lot of things that we don't know. A lot of things going on in the background, a lot of context that's missing. I do feel like when it comes to celebrities, just as you just said, you gotta do things that are gonna turn people on, it's off. So of course, Jada is almost like the queen of that. Queen of controversy almost. So if she wants to get out in the limelight of publicity, she's gonna do something to piss people off or turn them on. And a lot of times it's really killing the men, really. It's kind of emasculating, emasculating. You know, will most of the time, even down to the slap. He was in the limelight, but she was behind that, the driving force. So I mean, I feel like there's a lot of things that are not in context, but I do feel like she's a little bit selfish on the act of, okay, if I have something that's getting ready to come out, I'm gonna stir it up no matter if he's hurt, no matter if. Now, whether they have an understanding concerning that, we don't know. We'll never know. He may be like, do what you have to do. But just as a partner, I don't think I would go along with that. I don't care what you trying to market or what you trying to get out there. If it's gonna cause a backlash on me, then that is not a partnership. That is not us leaning on each other. That is not an understanding. I'm gonna support you, but not when it's coming off on me. But I do think it's a lot going on in the background. And I think she need therapy, Jesus, deliverance, baptism, exorcism. You can turn that round table to a square table. Oh yeah, she just needs her mic cut off. Amongst other things, I just think there's a lot of internal things in her that we're just now witnessing aloud. There's a lot of trauma that we're just not witnessing aloud. He's probably seen for years. So it's not a surprise. But now we're like, what in the world? Because when we watch celebrities, we see this one side of everything. We see this pretty picture. And with a picture, it's different than a video. And a picture, when you take a picture, that's a still shot. So it's what's happening then. In a video, there's more context. You can hear what's going on, what's being said, what the attitudes are, what the moves are. So I feel like this is something that's been going on in her and I feel like she's spiraling. I'm gonna come back to that. But Deidre, why do you feel like so many men are triggered? Cause to your point, we don't know- Triggered by what Jada's doing? Triggered by the optics of everything from the initial August I've seen the situation to the Tupac video, to all her antics. Obviously we don't know all the behind the scenes to the point. But something about it is resonating with a whole lot of men who might not know what Jada, but might know somebody who's Jada-ish. So why do you think so many men are triggered by this? Because to me, it's blatant betrayal. Like she betrayed her husband. She betrayed their, sorry. She betrayed their union to me for exploiting whatever is happening in their personal marriage. And she pulling it out to the public. Just like if a girl and a guy are together and then they break up and the girl decides to go on Facebook and expose. This is what he did to me in a relationship just that in the third. And then it's hard for somebody to wanna trust that again when you put our private business and put it out. So I think men are triggered because it's like, I think men have a hard time trusting women. And they do. I think they have a hard time trusting women based off of maybe because when we react with our emotions about certain things, it could be way bigger than what they probably expected or whatever. So, but that's what I think is, I think they're triggered because they've been betrayed before and they see like, oh, she's betraying him. Like she's not loyal. Cause no man wants their woman to go out and tell all their business like whatever happens in our household, it stays there. I think it should stay between us. And regardless, I feel like you using your platforms to make a profit and using the relationship and throwing it on the bus is like insane to me. And I'm not with it. I'm not, I posted on my Facebook like, Jada is the type of wife I do not want to be. I'm not a wife. Not even close. But I would never want to betray my man like that, period. Even if we are separated, I'm not doing it. I'm gonna tell you what I think, but I want to hear you answer the question. So to me, I feel like it's blatant disrespect to loyalty. And for a man, loyalty is everything. If you are loyal to a man, he will put up with everything else as long as you are loyal. And the fact that Will is putting up with so much disloyalty is a trigger. Because if you think about it, most women, if a man cheats, she's gonna take him back and forgive him. But on the flip side, if a woman cheats on a man, baby, you done, it's sponetal, it's nothing. Because the honor that they hold loyalty in is up here. And once you do that, it crumbles every, the very foundation for a man is loyalty, whichever way you spend it. So she's blatantly disrespecting loyalty, being loyal to a man and Will is putting up with it. So they're triggered. You know what I found interesting? She was loyal to the lie, but she wasn't loyal to the man. To the man? That didn't make sense to me. What lie? The whole lie as far as them not being in a marriage, you see what I'm saying? Like they held that, you know what I mean? For whatever agreement they had. So she was loyal to the lie. Like we ain't gonna let people know what's going on. We gonna fake the pump. Until it's time for her. Until it's time for her. Until it's time, yeah. So that's a dangerous woman. Yeah. Loyal to the lie, for real. I don't like it. I don't like the move. And then the fact that it may be a man that's triggered, that's been cheated on, that's how it is. Because a lot of me, at least I never knew how dirty and low down women could be. Oh, I'm so shamed by this thing. Y'all are the low downedest. Woo! I mean, I mean. All right, not too much. Don't do it, don't do it. I'm gonna say this. I think the reason why so many men are triggered, I think it's the optics number one, but the main reason, I think, is, let's go back to the August Outstanding situation. Let's imagine an alternate universe. Willow Smith comes home with her friends, an inspiring actress. My God. Later on, it comes out that her and Will were fucking. She had lost some of her family members. She was suffering from some kind of disease. Oh, he's a predator. And he's like a predator. What level of prison with Will Smith being right? Oh, under the chair. Under the chair. My God, we do it like a new one. Oh, my God. You're afraid on that girl. Oh, my God. You groomed her. But when it's flipped, she gets a talk show. She makes millions of dollars over literally being predatory because she's like, you know, is she 5'11", or 5'2", or something like that. So I think ultimately, and maybe some men can't articulate this, but it's the inequity in judgment. Yeah. Right? We don't even consider any nuance, whatever the case may be, the same way we consider it for women. And I think that's what leads to so many men being crucified, whether publicly or in court, so unfairly. Because you're guilty off-top. If Will had just looked at the girl wrong, this hypothetical, female office housekeeper, his life would have been over. But she gets to tell a story, write a book, do talk shows, do a media circuit. And I think ultimately at the core, that's what a lot of men are upset about. Sure. And that's where the separatism comes in at. And we're not able to have better relationships because of the inequalities. So men, we're naturally, we're going to stand up for what we believe in. And when we do that, we're judged for that. It gets taken out of context because we want to have a voice too. Like you said, she can get millions of dollars, build a platform. But if a man did it, they'd bring up something with Bill Cosby 30, 40 years ago. And convict him for something that probably was a consent. We don't know what took place, but just the inequalities in a system that says men, we hear it enough that men ain't shit, is a constant. But the reality is, we build the infrastructure of the world and when we go out and do that, we still don't have the respect because respect is really big for men, along with loyalty. And like I said, like I said, in the episode, I think it was two when we were on the couch. One of the things I encouraged men to do is actually talk to women and listen to some of their stories. Because what you will hear is I was touched when I was five. And because of that, it led to this type of behavior and this type of stuff that happened in my life. Now, unfortunately, a lot of boys have those same experiences. We don't frame it that way. We say, oh, he liked it. That 16-year-old who was fucking on him when he was eight, he liked it. But those same results come from the boys. So these men who are promiscuous, we call them drug boys, it's the same trauma. It's expressed differently. But we don't empathize with men, we only empathize with women. And that was the whole point I was making about if we're really going to see a community with better men and better women, the equity of empathy has to be there. But we can't just focus on all the things that, because, yo, a lot of dudes are suffering. For sure. They're going to do it. But we don't think about it like that. And unfortunately, the messed up part about it, we reward them for being more damaged. We don't reward healthy men. We don't reward healthy masculinity. We're just complaining about it. I'm laughing at you. Because a healthy man is everything to me nowadays, and I have to say for me, I learned to value me more and not look at them as like this thing or like this, this, because for me, a man was always like a mission, a toy, let me, something to play with, something to do. And so this year, I literally have to say this year, I really took the time to value men, listen to them and be their friend more than just like, what can you do for me? And I'm not even a, what can you do for me financially, Safer Girl? I'm just like, I want you to come over here. I want to see you like, what can you do for me? What, what do you mean? Like what triggered that change for you? My breakup. I had a breakup last year. And so I felt like we fast forwarded that relationship. And I never learned how to be a friend to a man before, never. And I feel like if I, I wasn't a real friend to men ever, I don't think, I don't think I was to say how I'm a friend, because I love a girl. I love my girlfriends, you know what I'm saying? I didn't value men in the same way because like I said, I look at them as toys, right? So with my ex, that's good. That's powerful. That's good. I'm just saying that's good. So with my ex, I really wanted to be serious with him, but we were moving like super fast. And then like, he abandoned a relationship. So then I had to take a look with him like, okay, so ain't no man going to stop talking to you for no reason. You get what I'm saying? Sometimes yes. But at the same time, I can't sit up here and be like, I didn't do anything at all. So I had to retrait like, what could I have done and not saying it is completely my fault. However, I play a part, because everybody play a part when you're in a relationship. So what part did I play? What could I have done that I probably feel like if it was the other way around, I wouldn't have wanted them to do that to me. And so it took me a little minute, but I figured out what it was. And I apologize. He never responded to me apologizing, but I did it for me because I felt like I needed to free myself from, if I hurt you, I need to apologize and say that I hurt you. And regardless, if you accept my apology or not, I know that I did that for me. And so I can give what I'm saying. I want to throw this question to the both of y'all. Who wants to go first? It doesn't matter. Okay. Porky, you go first. All right. It is so difficult for most women, baseline, to empathize with men. Take your time, man. Yeah. I gotta think. I expect something good from you, because you got time now. Honestly, because kind of like what Didger said, we don't take the time to get to know men as people. A lot of times is to get to know a man to see where we could go. Like a lot of that male and female friendship thing, more so in this day and age, to me, it's more so non-existent than it used to be. Because some of my best friends in this world are men. And I talk to them like I talk to my homegirls. Sometimes to their chagrin, but they call me bro sometimes, too, just because we have that relationship. But when you take the time to get to know men as people, you have a new respect for them. But in the same token, when a man takes the time to get to know a woman as a person, you're able to let down those walls that otherwise, and bear that wouldn't be there. Like you're not so focused on she wants me to have this, this, this. I want to look like this, this, this. No, I can see you at your worst. I've seen you broken. And I'm okay with that. Right. And a lot of times we're putting on airs or putting on these facades and these shows. So you don't get to know the real person as a person. It's more so for the, I guess for the hunt, I guess, rather than for that relationship. Genuine. So maybe if we start working on getting relationships with men and women downpacked, then we could have less, you know, space. I think it's, we don't, we don't take that time to get to know them as people rather than just male, female. Right, right. Then when I agree, but I definitely agree. And it all comes down to, I think a lot of times too, we have this idea of what a man should be, whether it's planning in us as a young girl, what our mothers told us with other women and said what a man should be. So we, we dehumanized them and we look at them as this robot. And I can say for myself, I've asked somebody to tell me you, you act like I'm a robot, like I don't have feelings. Well, I didn't think you didn't really. You're strong. You're supposed to be strong. You're supposed to show up. I'm the one that's supposed to show the emotions. Right. But when you get to know a man and the makeup of a man, they can be just as vulnerable as us. Yes. They're just as broken as us, just as traumatized as us. They just internalize a lot because men don't speak. When a man gets quiet, he's thinking. They don't do, we do a lot of talking because we're emotional. And so me and they do a lot of thinking. And so I think it's just, we don't get to know them and say, OK, who are you? Not what can you be to me? Right. As a woman, can you be a husband? Can you be a provider? Can you be a father? Can you be ex-YG? But who are you as a man? Let me get to know you and be a friend and see how we can come together as one and I can be of support to you. Right. Because I'm the help mate. Period. So therefore I'm going to help you be all that you can be, as the army say, but I got to get to know who you are as a man and the makeup of you opposed to what everybody has told me what a man should be. Right. A husband should be this. And so now I got this game plan and this rule book and this list of what my husband should be. And if you don't come up with everything on this list, then you got to go and celebrate the beauty in the vulnerability of a man. You have to encourage that vulnerability. And that's the biggest compliment as a woman you can get from men to open up to you and be vulnerable. That means he sees you as a safe place. Yes. And a lot of time as women, we want that safe space, but we don't provide that safe space. But when a man can say, oh, I can come and talk to you about my day or what I'm dealing with, or that I'm emotionally just all over the place, that's a compliment. But a lot of men don't feel safe enough to do so. So it's hard to get to know them because we don't give them a safe enough space to be who he is. So we meet the representative because they're under so much pressure to make us feel like I'm this man that she wants me to be opposed to this is who I am taking to leave it. Right. Yeah. My take on it would be I feel like the world has blinded women in a sense of looking at men as a masculine power. So consistently, we'll look at masculine so we can deal with everything. So we'll constantly look to deal and accept everything that comes our way and not have an opinion about it. So when a woman looks at a man, she's going to look at a man and ask, oh, you're weak or a bitch ass nigga if you complaining about your feelings and emotions to me, right? If I'm trying to express myself, the woman is going to say, I'm weak. So a lot of times the man is going to go back into a place of not feeling like he can express himself because it is power in his expression. But if he can't express it because the woman don't allow him to, then it's never an export for him. He's never going to export how he's feeling. So then he keeps that in because the world says he has to be masculine. Yeah. No lie. I saw this. Well, I was I don't know who did it, but there was some rapper or somebody famous who his girlfriend bought him a car or something recently. And he's like a rapper, hard down. He's been in prison, all this stuff. And he cried. He was like, nobody's ever done this for me before. And I was sitting in this room with people and a young lady was talking about it. And her reaction to it was, I was like, you know, I'm in a prison. He's going to be a crying. And in my head, I said, this is why we have a problem. Because he said, the man said that no one has ever done something of this nature to him before. And he's not allowed to cry because you've been to prison. You and your man, you are not allowed to cry because you're so full up on joy over something that somebody you love has done for you because they love you and want to see you happy. What are we doing? Exactly. If we can't have that, what are we doing? And most men are raised that way. We have brothers that have sons and they're that's the son ain't allowed to cry. You're not allowed man up, man up. So that's burning their brain already. So you kind of have to help deprogram them as their woman, as their partner to say, it's okay. It's all right. I ain't going to tell nobody. I'm not going to laugh. I'm not going to throw it up in your face. And as women, we have to know when he does come to that point to where it can be vulnerable, close your mouth and don't bring it up tomorrow about he was crying when you get upset. And you want, well, you was crying the other day. He was just weak. Right. No, now he's retreated two years back. So you ruined it. So now you've used it as leverage and as ammunition. You didn't ever trust you again. Never that part. And he's going to find somebody else. For sure. Period. Yeah. I'll say this because I don't want to put all the blame on women. I think. Oh, we're not doing that. But that's true. Yeah, I'll say this. Like in my journey of trying to understand the world and shit like that, when you study history, masculinity is about dying well. Masculinity and death are kind of correlated. Right. He died a hero. Exactly. Right. But it's whether you died marching into a coal mine and an oil rig, marching into battle, whether you killed your dreams to protect or provide for you. A lot of dudes wouldn't go to school because they had to work the field to, you know what I'm saying? So masculinity is about, in some sense, dying well and how you're remembered. Because during your life, people are going to talk shit or he's just like Dionne Sanders right now. He didn't do this enough, did this enough. If he died tomorrow. You see what I'm saying? So with that being said, there's never been an incentive for men to be emotionally expressive. There's more of an incentive for us to be callous, for us to be rough and rigid enough to be able to bear whatever pains come of battle or work or politics or whatever the case may be. From the villages of Africa, all the way to the United States. So with that being said, I think we need to be careful about that there seems to be like a growing condescension amongst women. And you kind of alluded to it, episode one, when you said men need to tap into their femininity. There's this sense of a healed man or an ideal man is a man who is relative to women who is closer to femininity without acknowledging all the reasons why your brother's son can't cry. Like it's nice for him to cry, but in the real world, he can't cry. And his ability to compartmentalize things and be able to act accordingly is more valuable than his ability to cry. And we need to be honest about that. Because unfortunately, especially a lot of young boys, whether it's from women or whether it's from the world, just like media generally right now, they're getting mixed messages. I want you to be a nice guy, but I'm giving pussy to the nigga who's not nice at all. I want you to be communicative and emotionally intelligent, but the guy who had me bent over is none of those things. Right. And men are observing these things and saying, oh, motherfuckers, full of shit. We're talking about both sides of your neck because your words and your idealism are advocating for one kind of masculinity, while simultaneously rewarding a different type of more traditional type of masculinity. Because y'all not going, if you saying, we're going to be with the F boys. But we want our husband to be the good guy. Yeah. You want T.D. Jakes in the young class soon. Not T.D. Jakes in the young class, but I don't want neither one of them because I'm close to the Bible, but I'm a little far removed from this. I don't want T.D. maybe Dr. Darius. Is that what you're saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. T.D. Lowell. T.D. Lowell. T.D. Lowell. Dr. Darius. That's Uncle T.D. Child listening. I'm about to be... But men don't necessarily take the whole series either. You get what I'm saying? But y'all don't want y'all wife to be... Y'all want y'all wife to be a certain type of way or different than what the whole is. You get what I'm saying? I think men love more authentically than women. This is what I mean by that. You said it again. I said I think men love more authentically than women. And this is why. I can agree. But go ahead. Before you say your spiel, I'm going to see where you're going with it and see if I'm feeling where you're going from it. You've heard me say it before. Okay, because women, we can find and look and figure out how to love somebody. We can love your potential. We can love where you're going to become or we're going to make you. Correct. But when a man falls in love with a woman, he pursues her with a vigor like nothing else. When he's in love with that woman, that is his love. That's where he's focused on it. But us, we can find a way to love. Yeah, we will love some potential. We've done it before. I've done it before plenty of times. I love what they will become. I ain't doing it no more. I ain't doing it. Thank you all for deliverance. But when we say we love somebody, because our feelings are so a part of our makeup that we jump into it. That was those feelings of love, whatever it is. We overlook a multitude of faults and mess. When a man is hyper focused, when it's that woman, boom, he's in it. I'm breaking it now for you. We're breaking it down, damn. Great. What you got? And it brought me back to when I heard y'all heard this saying a man marries who he wants and a woman marries who she can. And I heard that and I got upset and I was like, wait a minute, what you mean? But when you think about it, a man is very solid on his boundaries when it comes to his legacy and giving his last name. Now having a girlfriend for years, whatever he does with you for years. But when it comes to his last name and his legacy, as a wife, he don't bend on his boundaries. Us as women, if he has the potential to be a good husband, and we can kind of make it up and make it look like it what we wanted to be, we'll bend on deal breakers and boundaries in order to get a ring. Because we fantasize about marriage. But a man, I don't care what you do, you can threaten to leave, you can leave, he'll be there with you 10 years if you stay. But when he gets ready to get married, he's going to marry who he wants. Start to sound like y'all agree with me. I was, I was, I was, I was, I know what it is. And when I had to think about that and be mature about that, because I was like, wait, I'm a married who I want. But let's think about when I went back through the relationships I had been in, a lot of them was because I could not because that's who I wanted, because I picked something that I could deal with and make up this man and build a man and then go along with it. But in those men that would not commit, those men that stayed in those situations, he wasn't bending. I don't care what trick you do. I don't care if you swing from the chandelier, come clean, whatever it is, it don't matter. Because whatever it is he's looking for in a wife, if you don't have it, you won't get a ring. He's going to peep it early and he's going to give you years to change it and if you don't change it, you know, he already got an exit strategy. See, that's how, like you said, a man loves a woman, right? I mean, like, let me give you an example. If we find a woman that's broken, right, we'll love that broken woman. We'll try to raise her up out of her brokenness. And the day that she doesn't acknowledge that value that he's put into her, he accident. He's never going to marry that because he already know that you didn't take the time to evaluate the time that he put in to that whole span of your growth and development. So he's like, you know what, you wasted my time because my time was an investment. You ever heard the saying that the most valuable thing you can give a person is your time? It is. So if a man spends five or 10 years with you and you got a woman say, girl, he ain't married you yet. Right? It ain't that he don't want to marry you. It's something in you that he see that ain't married to both. Which means he should exit. He should go and buy this baby. Yeah. As women, as women, we stay there and try to force that, instead of saying, if you ain't figured out in a year or two, baby, we can be cool, but I'm out because whatever it is you want to see, either I'm not getting it and I'm not going to waste any more of my time. So I'm going to let you go ahead. If you see it from a boy, then go ahead. But if not, I'm out. Yeah. We're going to go ahead and talk about it. So tell us why we're good. So to go back to the point, men love more authentically than women. What I mean by that, women are in love with love. Yes. And because of that, I think you guys are wired to stick anybody in that spot. You can make him fit. Part of the reason I know that when I've had conversations that I was involved with, and let's say we were talking about sex, very often a woman's sex dream, it's a silhouette of a man. It's not even somebody they know. Very often, like when I ask her, okay, who was it? It was just a shadow. I'll be knowing who might be. But I say that to say, you guys are socialized from little girls to fall in love with the process, the pageantry of love, the the courting phase and the dates. You know what I'm saying? He put his hand on my thigh and we walked down the aisle and all that stuff. On the flip side, when a man figures out they'll realize that he's in love, that's not a happy experience. He's like, God damn it. Because that is a response. Now, because again, our two jobs are provided to protect. I love her means that I'm willing to die for her. That's not part of your responsibility. Right. So we're not going to be as flippant or as generous with that love. Plus, we're not socialized to fall in love with the whole process and shit like that. There was a stand-up special by Patrice O'Neill. He was talking about this club and it's sectioned off based on people's relationship status and their gender. So there's a group of single men having a good old time. They happy, they drinking, they popping bottles all night. There's a group of single women miserable as hell. Wow. We're my boas. There's a group of women in a relationship. They happy as hell. They popping bottles. They having a good time with my man. Welcome to my new year. And then there's a group. And then there's a group I got to throw in a pop culture. And then there's a group of, you're fine. You're good. Yeah. And then there's a group of single men. Marry men. Oh, man. Marry men. They miserable. They just as miserable as the single women. I wonder why. Because, again, for men, we think about love through the lens of duty. We think about love through the lens of responsibility. These aren't sexy things. Right? We think of it as, oh man, I have to be ready to, you know what I'm saying? Whatever it is, even if I don't want to, whether that's battle, whether that's work, whatever the case may be, as a single dude, you live in for yourself. But as a married dude, as a man in a relationship, you give a fuck about her. You care about her. If she get off work late, you on the phone, making sure she going down a lit up, you know how many things. It's innate to us. So with that being said, we're not enthusiastic about that process. Because that's another job for me. So if a woman gets me to fall in love with her, damn, she got me. She got me. What makes you fall in love with a woman? So wait, I was going to say, are we able to ask questions? So would you say that's why me and run from that? Absolutely. Or run from commitment? Because of that responsibility that comes with loving a woman and commitment? So two things. A lot of the complaints I hear from women, especially younger women is, you know, I'm ready to settle down. I'm ready to commit and he's not. He's still trying to be a fuck boy. I've been guilty of that. It's my day. No. But the thing is, we have to understand. I'm racing against a financial clock. You're racing against a biological clock. So you, you ready to be settled down by 25, 24, even if we're being real. 16 by a lot. But 30. But for most men, our clock is based on, can I pay a mortgage? Can I support a wife and two children? Can I support two car payments? Can I support insurance and things like that? And for most of us, we're not going to get there till 35. 30 early. And this is if he's a tech bro and things like that. So yeah, we're not as enthusiastic about y'all, like jumping into that with y'all. But the unfortunate thing about it is, when he's ready, you might not be able to pop kids out. So that, that, that, that. Exactly. That's where that tension is. And he might now be looking at, let's say he's 35. He might not be looking at a 30 year old, whereas he wasted your time or he let you go, whatever the case may be. And it's the unfortunate reality. And I'm still trying to figure out what the solution is, because I'm not hugely on like huge age gap relationships. But I think that's some of the miscommunication between our niggas ain't shit and women is questioning us and things like that. But I mean, I understand the financial part, but what if you got a partner that's a go getter? She going to go get it like you go get it. What happens in those nine months? What happens in those nine months when she can't get it? She can sit down the whole nine months. But that's, that's how we think. Because again, remember, men are providing, protect, right? Provision is about getting the money. Protection is about protecting what you have. But that's also rhetorical in the sense where think about being a bodyguard, right? Let's say I'm your bodyguard and we about to go out this door. Okay. I have to assume there's somebody right here about to stab you. There's a sniper on that roof. There's some, there's a portal right there. You might triple. I have to be worst case scenario oriented. Similarly, men are worst case scenario oriented. So whether you are able to help me out during your pregnancy, we're going to default to you can't. We're going to default to what if she loses her job? We're going to default to. So until I can feel confident in my ability to literally take care of you, I might not be as enthusiastic about, and then this whole new age thing or we building together and things like that. But again, women are also talking out the other side of the neck. I want a man who makes six figures, six foot tall. You got to come to the table. Six inches and six pack and all that. Well, I hear a lot of men talking out the side of the neck. I was about to say, We got to go 50, 50 on news. And you got to pay people. What about the 50, 50 men doing that too? Let's talk about it. Let's talk about it. Let's talk about it. Let's talk about it. Let's talk about it. Because we 50, 50 anyway. Let's talk about it. You hear all the time now, they're like, Oh, I got to bring something to the table now, man. Ain't going to eat off me, man. Like, when did that happen? Where was that disconnect? Because the women started using the men for the money. Oh, I guess. It turned into, it went from we looking at men to provide and protect to the women starting to be like, Oh, I'm going to take it for all he got. I want all his coins. He going to buy me this. He going to buy me that. And they not valuing the providing and protecting part. Like, you should feel honored that a man wants to do these things for you and not feel like let me take all his stuff. And so now men looking at us like, all we want is money. When in reality, no, I do not. I do not. I make my own. Now, if you want to give me some, thank you. But I'm about to be out here like, Oh, I only want to be with you because you got a coin in your pocket. I can kill this. I'll say this. One of the things that, you know, doing this has taught me is sometimes we over-represent certain subgroups of people. Okay. And what I mean by that is, you know, like on YouTube, Facebook, Instagram, you always see these videos of women who, yeah, I'd rather date a drug deal and things like that. Now, realizing that oftentimes, let's say I'm out doing interviews with a camera, it tends to be that type of individual that's willing to be interviewed. The good women are not willing to be interviewed. They're going to walk past. Oh, thank you. I'm good. So those people who are like, yeah, he got it. Flew me out. Those are the ones who are the most bombastic. And then they end up over-represented. Similarly, I think, unfortunately, with what about these 50-50 dudes? Personally, I don't know any 50-50 dudes. And I think what happens is a lot of the, like I said earlier, a lot of the 50-50 archetype type of dudes are the ones who do the best with women. They were typically raised by a single mother. They typically have a whole bunch of style and swag and, you know, hood, you know, aesthetic in the whole nine. Now, underneath that, just like you were talking about the dude who's been in prison, those are actually the most feminine men. Low-key, people don't realize that it's femininity. It's pseudo masculinity, which is femininity. We don't identify it that way. But that is the type of behavior that's incentivized. That boy grew up seeing his mom be Wonder Woman. So obviously, he's going to expect it from the woman that he's with. And now we're using him to over-represent black men, not knowing that there's a whole swath of black men who are willing to take care of you the whole nine. Unfortunately, he might not have the swag. He might not have the emotional exhibitionist that you're used to in the man who's like, you know, can't leave me like everybody else. That's manipulation. But a lot of women are used to men being emotional in that way. Right? He's going to be boring because he's peaceful. And not toxic. I think it's an age thing now. And maybe not. I think it's a mature thing and it's a healthy thing. It's the people who are on a healing journey who want to deal with whatever their issues are to and be more realistic about their expectations because that sounds crazy to me. In our 20s, yes. Baby, I wanted to be a hood drug dealer for real. I did. I had a couple. Okay. I'm 35. They scared me. They scared me. Well, I'm a BK and that was rebellious. So I did. Okay, I did. But also to the men that are the good men, they've come across a woman that has said, I'm going to take him for everything I got. Now he's broken. So when you meet the good woman, then now you are traumatized and have PTSD. But now she's trying to figure out what's her motive. Because although you coming at me a different way, you still might have a motive and I can't go out like a sucker. Right. See, that segue into what I was about to say. I feel like the 50-50 thing has come about because men have sat back in observance to see the men who have had the financial success. I mean, just completely obliliated. So I mean, I can't match a tiger woods pocket, but I can see the example that no matter what amount of money I get to establish that with a woman, her loyalty ain't to that. So the thing is, men like, okay, well, I'm not finna provide that no more in the sense of me taking care of everything because now he want to know whether or not the relationship is real. You're going to go 50-50 with me. It's our thing versus my thing. Right. So he wants to feel a little more secure now. So he's looking at it as, okay, well, I got all these examples of all these celebrities and ball players who make the money I probably never see. Who take care of the woman who still don't be, is not appreciated. So men now are starting to have that awareness that I'm not finna fork everything out and get left, but I did that myself personally. You know, I dealt with everything financially for 20 years. Right. And then my ex-wife decided she wanted to leave because I couldn't put the type of time in with her when I was running a business. Right. She found somebody that was less valuable than me to give her time. But did you, just a question, did you include her in your business? Yeah. She was actually my clerical work. Well, she did more of his work. But see, and that goes back to what I said about men loving more authentically women because men love practically. Yeah. A woman wants a financially successful man who has a whole bunch of time. These are two different men. I want a handsome man who ain't got no hoes. Yeah. I want a charismatic man who doesn't want to be in the mix. Right. So it's not y'all's fault. I think it's part of y'all's nature. But the reason why I say men love more authentically is because we take different things into account. Number one, we're not enthusiastic about loving you in the first place. So when we love, we actually love. Yeah. Right. Like, I'm not coming to this job because it's my dream or whatever the case may be. Nah, I need to. Yeah. Right. Whereas women, it's like I've got this mishmash glued up version of an idealistic man in my head. It doesn't make any sense. I want a tall, short-nigger. A skinny, fat-nigger. So it's like, and I think that even goes back to why it's so hard for women to empathize with men and see men as people. Because y'all have seen us as Builder Bears for so long. For sure. I can't read it. You know what I mean? I mean, I'll stop until we can get to a place where we can see people. But I'll make, can I say something to something you said? But I also feel like, too, I hear what you said concerning that, but when you get a real woman or a good woman, you don't have to see if she's going to go 50-50. She's going to come in the gate trying to build you up, trying to pour into you, trying to add to it whether you receive it or not. But I feel like that is your security and knowing, okay, well, she ain't here to just take. She wants to add to it as well. So when it comes to women, the thing about that is, we go into probably every situation with that if we're trying to find someone to mate with and for long-term. That's where we get the Builder Bear from. Because we're going in trying so hard to show you, I can be the wifey that you need me to be. Rather than coming in being your authentic and full self. While you're coming into this, analyzing whether they can be what you need as a woman. So while it's great that we come in showing you, we can go with you. I'm going to pick you up. Are we giving it to the wrong man? No, that's what I was about to say. No, I don't do that. And not to put myself up here, but the times I've done it, it was with a man that I knew that was broken that was always taken from in past relationships. So I came in trying to reassure you that I'm not here to take anything from you, to add to you. That's what I'm talking about. Yeah. We helped the broken ones. We're fixing the broken ones, but you're not as mom. Yeah. You come in authentically as you. Yeah. And so I'm showing you, I can love you, I can love you back to hell. But in true and honesty, he has to fix that. And he has to want that. I was going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, and he has to be accountable for the I am broken. I do have trauma that I didn't. I did put all this down from the last one. So, okay, I want to heal. But a lot of men, they was, ain't in room with me. I'm not worried about that. I put that over here. I'm going to say this, y'all can push back. And you over here shattered, looking like a vase in the floor. This is everywhere. I'm going to say it. I'm over here with the super glue when you ain't broken. And I'm out of your eye right here. The thing is, I think part of women's nature is to be. Nurture. Nurture. Is to be conciliatory, right? However, I think, especially, I want to hone this into our community. I think part of the reason why the story that you're telling about fixing the wrong man, I think why it's so prevalent is because I don't know if the majority of our women know how to handle a good man. I think that unfortunately too many women only feel useful when they are helping fix a broken man. Because the things that you can do for him are obvious. He need to drive my car. He need to hold a couple of dollars. He needs somewhere to stay. Those things are obvious. But a man who's actually building something, a man who's in school to be a software engineer, a man who's got his own car, got his own apartment, I think part of the hit that our community's self-esteem took is subconsciously some of our men and women do not feel deserving of nice things. So we will sabotage it and use words like he's boring. He's exciting to excuse our behavior. When the reality is, no, it's not that he's boring and he's exciting. It's just you can readily identify what he needs. It's he needs a mom. And I know how to do that. I grew up seeing that. I don't know how to be a wife. I don't know how to be a girlfriend. I didn't grow up seeing that. And I think if we can move the needle away from all these these niggas, they'll let you fix them and then they go that home way to we are choosing brokenness. So similar to Jada, it is in a way, because remember during the interview, she was like, I haven't felt good in a while. It feels good to fix somebody. Especially as a woman, if you're empath and all that good stuff, it feels good. It's fulfilling. It gives you purpose in life, right? So I wish women understood that your power is in the type of masculinity you incentivize. And if you continue to fix men, you will continue to incentivize brokenness. Mm hmm. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to say. Bro, say it before you go on. I'm almost done. That was a spirit. That was a spirit. I was going to say it. I can't even say it. I can't even say it. And incentivize brokenness. Say it again, brother. I can't remember it. That was a spirit. But I mean, I can't agree with you because I can say I thought that way before, like wanting to be with somebody. And I'm not saying you choose them because they're broken. It's subconscious. Yeah, you don't know what to say. It's subconscious. I just want to help because I just want to help. I've been there before. And it's natural for us to be that way. And for me, the emotional detachment of it all, because if I'm emotionally detached, I won't. I don't care. I don't care about you being broke, broken, what you got going. I don't care. I don't care. I had one girl I used to talk to back in the day. She told me because we were talking about like, you know, her college life or whatever the case may be. And she told me, I don't know how it came up. She was like, I never actually dated men who went to the same school as me. I always dated the locals. And I was like, huh, why? Can you explain that? She was like, well, you know, with the men who went to school with me, let's say I'm going to take a test. Right. And I'll be like, hey, babe, I'm going to take a test. He'd probably be like, yeah, baby, I got to test it to a clot. You want to study together or whatever the case may be. But with the drug dealer down the street, my little lawyer, my little Michelle Obama. A validation. You're the validation out of this world. So the ego stroke of he needs me. I'm the best thing that happened to him is massive. Whereas with the other dude, if it doesn't work, maybe it was my fault. And most of our ego cannot handle that. So we will go where we're the big fish in a small pond. And I think that's why we keep incentivizing certain types of men. We need to feel unneeded. Yeah. That allows us to be belittled too. And least respected. Because if you do help a man, you build a man, you have that to hold over him. But that's what it goes back to. It goes back to you don't feel like you deserve better. And unfortunately, and this is what breaks my heart, especially in our community, like there are a lot of gorgeous women, intelligent women. But if you actually search their hearts, they do not see themselves like that. They do not see themselves like that. And you'll see the men they end up with and be like, how the hell is that? But that's what she thinks she deserves. She might be beautiful. She might be intelligent, but that's what she thinks she's deserved because that's who she sees on the inside. And I think it goes back to with our culture, we're just now getting to a place where therapy is okay. Healing is okay. So you have all of these broken men and women running around seeking validation for that little girl or that little boy. So now you're finding value in, I add value to him and I'm his Michelle Obama. So now I feel validated. Whereas if like myself just found out at 39, I needed to heal and go on a healing journey. Now a heal person has a different perspective than a broken person. So now that I'm healed, I'm not going to put up with certain things because I can see brokenness a mile away. I'm not going to put you down and you're not beneath me, but as somebody that has walked in healing and he's walking in healing and pursuing healing, then I'm not going to just take anything because I now know who I am and I now know what I deserve. But I think it's a lot of broken men and women on both ends. So now you got two broken people trying to come together which makes two broken people, two halves don't make a whole. It makes two halves. Would you say that's just collectively with us or you think that's a universal thing? Our culture? I'll say it's universal but it's bigger with us because therapy was so cliche. Ain't it wrong when you go pray? That's true, that's true. You're not depressed, you got molested but it was swept under the rug. So this trauma was never dealt with. So now I'm an adult trying to deal with trauma from when I was five and got molested and I feel like my body is just, I just give it away and I'm not worthy of anything all the way from that five-year-old little girl or little boy, you know what I'm saying? So now there's that unhealed trauma that is just until you got a lot of adults walk around just bumping into things broken and finding and trying to seek validation in building a man. Which makes a big difference. Or building a woman because I have her men say I got with her because I felt like I can build her up and she won't cheat because she ain't, you know, she's not a dime but she's, you know, she's not a penny either so I'm going to get with her because it's easier. Because she can look up to me, she's saying and I was scratching my head like, huh? And then he said well when I built her up then she started acting like she was beyond saying she cheated. Well, because that still goes back to she didn't know who she was. It has nothing to do with her looks. It has everything to do with what's in her eyes. She's still got that big gap. This is my issue with therapy though. Because I genuinely feel like the African diaspora we all need psychotherapy. Like we, whether Africa, I'm African, I'm Nigerian, right? So colonialism took a toll on us. Slavery took a toll on y'all. Yes. So I think there's a lot of pass down bullshit on both sides. Definitely. What I will say though, I think unfortunately in our community we are starting to celebrate what I call pop therapy. Because people give me therapy speak. It is one thing to go into therapy and truly unpack your traumas and work on becoming a better version of you and actually living it out. But it's another thing to go to two sessions and then all of a sudden you're speaking like you're a therapist and you're talking about how everybody's wronged you but you're still not taking accountability, right? You're still not living out what you do. It's creating narcissism. Unfortunately I will put that on women. I will say that I'm seeing that more so with women. Because men are not super-therapies. What I'm seeing happen is a lot of women a lot of black women are getting therapy but they're not doing the work. They're just getting therapy to say I've got therapy so now I have permission to talk down to you non-therapies person. You think they're going to therapy because they don't win. No, they're going to therapy to get the MD. To get the badge. Oh yeah. To get something to make it seem like yeah I'm a little bit aware. I'm working on me. I'm healed because I went to therapy. So it's pop therapy and a lot of it when you start investigating it, it does lead to that narcissism. And I'm talking about that talking down, looking down your nose, especially at men. Because the idea is because I am more emotionally expressive, I am more emotionally intelligent. And the opposite is the case. A lot of women are emotionally expressive. I call them emotional, they're cry, they laugh, they be sad. They might even be able to identify I'm losing. I'm laughing, I'm sad, whatever the case may be. But as far as regulating it, as far as accurately identifying it and being like, oh I'm not actually mad, I'm scared. They don't have that ability. And where nobody's actually calling this out, we're just saying, oh she's therapist and Jamal ain't. So she's a better person than Jamal. Oh no. Which is why you, I mean most of the time when you go, when a woman go for an evaluation, they're diagnosed with bipolar disorder. You ever see, you know that, right? And most women are diagnosed with that. I didn't know that either. I was not diagnosed with that. But I think what adds to it too, unfortunately- I'm not saying there's a right diagnosis, but I'm saying that. Unfortunately, there's an inequity also in the therapeutic industry. Like most therapies are women, right? So oftentimes it just ends up being regret. And thing two is we assume doctors are healthy, but sometimes doctors are some of the most unhealthy people. That's enough. Same with therapists. Yeah, for sure. So very often your therapist, your few little therapists might be worse and be more broken. Yeah, it might be true. That's true. And you now regurgitate in toxicity. Yep. Yeah, she gonna be your friend and your therapist at the couple sessions. That's what I'm saying. And instead of actually problem solving, and I think also part of women's nature, y'all are more like, y'all aren't as regimented as men. Y'all are more, I want the catharsis. I want to talk it through. But as far as I need a plan and this how I execute it, that's not necessarily y'all strong suit. I'm not saying all of you guys, but with that being said, with the overabundance of therapists that are black women, and then the popularity of black women seeking therapy, y'all just in the office kicking it. Y'all ain't really getting no work done. How you know that, though? I was gonna say, not even that. Because did you see the therapist who went viral, I think it was last year, she was saying that she no long wants to take on a black male client. It's been two of them, one of them she was twerking, shaking her ass and all kinds of stuff. And like black men ain't this and that. And then another one, she was saying that she's tired of working with black men. And then they took her off one of the black male therapy sites and she got mad. So like the level of immaturity that we're seeing, I'm asking myself, who gave you a therapy license? That's not to say we're... You're not even mature. Right, right. So with that being said, I think that's part of the reason men are so unenthusiastic about going to therapy. Because that's what I'm gonna run into. Another woman saying that I'm the problem, with no context or consideration in my life. Well, I had a situation recently where it was... If she were to hear me when I was in that session. Yeah, I was telling her earlier when you missed it. But one of my long time guy friends hit me with some therapy speak about a situation that made no sense. And it had been months since we had talked and all this stuff. And it's just like, don't therapy, don't therapize me. That's what I'm gonna call it. Yeah, I don't like to make up words. Therapize. Therapize. No, it's a word. Therapize. Don't therapize me. That's a word you got. Oh, okay. It is. All right, well, come on, Tia. Come on now. Don't therapize me. Please, please. Yeah, you can get right here. Don't do that because I was saying all this, I'm trying to work on myself and in my healing journey and all this all I've done for me. You're saying I, I, I, I. And then you're still not taking that accountability. You're not understanding another perspective or side. So I think it's trickling over into the men too. Because this was a man. Yeah, I agree. Because we're not, because we're in a place where everybody is, it's sensationalized. So everybody's doing it, but we're not doing it properly. There's a, there's a term called internal locus of control and then external locus of control. And basically internal is you take responsibility for your world, right? Whereas external is it's everything and everyone's fault but mine. Yes. I think what pop therapy has created amongst men and women is this idea that I am the prevalent victim. And now I have the vocabulary to twist and articulate how I'm the victim. As opposed to the part that I played. So even in Will Smith's situation, to bring it back to that, I don't feel bad for the name. No, I don't. I don't. No, I don't. Because you say it with her and you do say it. And you, you, a lot of men, and I've been talking about this during my case studies. A lot of men, unfortunately, are sedomastochistic. They seek out the worst, most terrible women that they can seek out. You know those women who say, Oh, I don't have a bad attitude. You can't handle me. Or the dudes who say, Oh, she gay? Oh, no, she not gay. Wait, see, she, she gets somebody. We seek out. Cause y'all tell my nerd, Stop deeming me talking about, you can change my mind because you cannot. We see, we see out challenges and then we want empathy for when it goes wrong. Because a lot of times these, to your point, you can see these red flags from a mile away, but you think it's six flags. You think it's fun. It's a circus. Same with women. But again, men do this too. And I think part of it is this popularizing or we getting therapy and this, this and that. And nobody's calling it out. Yeah. That whole thing about protecting my peace, but a lot of people it's not taking accountability. It isn't such thing as protecting your peace, but cutting everybody off that has a disagreement with you. It's not. Because you're not taking accountability. Cause after you cut off four or five people, there's a common denominator or not. You, so therefore you're not protecting your peace. You are dodging accountability. Whereas if you have that conversation is, yeah, you were wrong. Yeah, you, you're the one that did it. It was not us, it was you. But a lot of people go around, I'm protecting my peace. And you cutting off 10 and 15 people. If you're changing circles every year, you are the problem. It's you, but you're not protecting your peace. You're dodging accountability. And you can look at a person's life to see who's elevated and who hasn't. Beat me. You know, I mean, when you're doing the work, you already gonna see it. I mean, it's pretty evident. It's clear. So when, when you, that's how I invite people, friends the same way. So if anyone's in my circle, if I see you elevating, I know you doing the work. If I see you talking, I know you just talking. Yeah. It's just two different things. So you can talk, you can talk a good game as they would say, but if you are really into your self-growth and development, you're going to be mindful of what you're around, what you interact with, so that those things don't continue to bring trauma to you. Because you're already trying to alleviate the trauma any way that you experience by growing up or whatever. You know, so you're, you know, like me, I'm constantly erasing things as fast as I possibly can. So in my mind, if I'm having a conversation, I might not remember what you said to me because it ain't valuable. Right. But then I get to say, you ain't, you ain't heard nothing I say it. I heard everything you said. Just one valuable enough for me to hold on to it. And we, I'll go ahead. Your head. But I truly believe too, we attract what we are. Whether you want to be accountable for that or not, men and women. So if you're attracting the same type of man or the same type of woman, what is it in you that is attracting them or bringing them towards you? You have to be accountable. Say, okay, what do I have to fix? What am I putting out here on social media that's got my DM jumping right on the Netflix and chill? What am I putting out here that makes her want to you know, come and run through my money? Am I putting out here in my stacks? Am I putting out here in my profession? If I'm a basketball player or a truck driver or somebody that we know make a lot of I work at BMW and you like this all day. We know what type of money BMW. So if you got women trying to take advantage of you what do you put out there? What you put out there? You see most men like to lead with that. You lead with the finances. You're leading with certain type of pictures, certain type of outfits, certain type of verbiage. Exactly. If you're leading with that then if you throw the bait then you're going to get the fish. You said that, I mean you said a mile four early you know out of the buns of the heart the mouth speaks. So what's really in here? You can't control that. If it's in you that's what's coming out of you know what I'm saying? And what kind of fruit are you putting out? Exactly. As well as you said what's your productivity look like? If you're doing the work and you in therapy but I see you on here throwing shade on Facebook and being toxic the therapy ain't working baby. Because why are you doing that? I guess I don't want to stop y'all. No go ahead go ahead. But at the same time what's the grace period on Hitland? Like how long? It's a lifelong journey. It is right. Because you're always experiencing trauma. Will it take for somebody to get the accountability part of it? If they're just starting their their healing journey you know like it would be up to the people to the person to discern whether they want to continue to be in this person's life who is still fresh or early in their healing stages. You get what I'm saying? So we know we're talking about people who you go to therapy what you're doing this but like it takes time and sometimes it's certain things that have to happen or certain conversations or things that need to come up for them to know. Okay I do need to accept accountability. So I'm just thinking like well how long have this person been in therapy for you to feel like oh you the therapy ain't working for you. You get what I'm saying? I'm not gonna say something. Oh sorry. Well I feel like to really go to therapy to do the work and to heal or to accept healing you have to take accountability that say that there is brokenness that there's a trauma. So you do have some level of accountability. I think I'm speaking to the people that he said are just going to therapy to have my badge and so I've been in six sessions but there is no fruit there is no elevation there is no growth. So it's really not a great period because we're always experiencing trauma. All of our life we're experiencing but I think it takes a certain level of accountability to say I really want to heal. Not I'm going to therapy so I can check it out the list. And I'm gonna do the work immediately. I'm my best version of me but we don't see the best version of you. Not even a... So I think that's in my opinion though. That's a certain level of accountability to say I need to heal because I know when I figured that out at 39 I was like it was me this whole time. And it's honestly immediate if you want to be real about it when you start you're like call what you want to heal and journey therapy whatever you do when you start working on taking accountability with yourself and understanding that sometimes you're the problem it clicks. So everything else that you do you're intentional about ensuring that you're not the problem. Right. And in those times where you are the problem whether it be intentional or unintentional you still take accountability for it. You do what is necessary in those moments so that you don't continue down that vicious cycle that got you where you were before you were on the other side of your healing. And honestly truly I feel like it's cool to know that you're working on your healing but the highest compliment you can receive is someone who's working on being a better version of you daily is for the people around you to see it. And not only to see it but to express it to you. True. Because I you know me in a lot of phases of my life. Yes I. I have not always been this person. No. Baby. I've not always been who she is sitting here. But for my friends when and when things for me but I think of my friends impact me so heavily for my friends that I have that have known me through these phases speak that life back into me and let me know you're not her anymore. You don't have you don't have to feel this way because that's not who you are. Right. Then you know you're making it. I guess that's the confirmation you want but honestly truly when it comes to your feeling it's going to be immediate because to truly work on you and being a better version of yourself daily by taking accountability being you know healed or whatever. It is an immediate thing. You're not going to be perfect at it but it's immediate. Right. It's immediate. I don't know what I'm going to do. No go make it for me. If I sit back as I'm sitting here thinking about accountability it's very interesting that we have in this conversation because it's so powerful. Accountability is so powerful. Like it'll take you from a state of ignorance to a state of awareness but as I'm sitting here thinking about it culturally the foundation since we were kids we were taught not to be accountable. So now when I think about this what's the first story that anybody just give me I'm going to ask anybody at the table what's the first story of unaccountability that you can remember that was told to you? The Bible? Let's go there. Let's go there. Let's go there because no no I just want to tap in I just want to tap in one second. But the story of Adam and Eve? Okay that accountability stretches across the planet because who didn't take accountability? Eve. Right. So that accountability as I'm sitting here thinking about it how that stretches across the planet for us not to acknowledge accountability. Right. As people we don't know to acknowledge accountability we don't know how to say it's just I did it. It's my fault. Somebody else shouldn't suffer because I did that. Right. So what I'm saying is if we've been raising the kids and we've created a culture of normality of not taking accountability and then we get with people and relationships how do we transition that that's so baked in? You got people that's 40, 50, 70, 80. Right. Into that phase of still not accepting accountability. Kurt Franklin Mama. Yeah. Kurt Franklin Mama. Yeah that's deep. Kurt Franklin Mama. Yeah you know and I want to make a distinction because I think what I'm seeing happen is yeah I did it and what? And that's being framed as accountability as opposed to yes I did it I am remorseful that I did it. How can I fix it? How can I fix it? Or I'm ready to face the consequences. And I think you know going back to something you said earlier about you know once I healed then I think part of that accountability is understanding that it might mean that what you might have qualified for before your healing you no longer do after your healing. And unfortunately I think amongst women as well that's a very very tough pill to swallow. Right it's like yeah I turned you down in high school before you were a billionaire but now that you're a millionaire you're successful and I'm not the same high school girl I'm still deserving of you which is which is not accountability inherently because you're expecting him to evaluate you the same way he did all those years ago and you're expecting that he evaluates himself the same way he was valued all those years ago. So accountability I think is really humility that's that's at the core of healing it's humility and that's my issue with this whole therapy movement because it's not encouraging humility it's just encouraging being able to identify and articulate problems in everybody else. And that speaks to what I was sitting here thinking to when it comes to accountability a lot of people don't want to take it because you have to accept the consequences that come with it and for me I can say as a woman that has fumbled a good man as a woman you have to take accountability that was me so that's an ego hit to say it was me that caused this man to walk away not that it's something wrong with him and I was too strong and I was too independent and he contained me you're not a beast I'm a woman that used to say that he can't tame me and a man said you're not a wild beast I don't need to girl what did you say? And that was my reaction but I think the accountability comes with the consequences a lot of times the consequences are going to be an ego hit whether it be the man or the woman because a man don't want to take accountability for his shortcomings in the relationship that makes that woman lead so now I'm going to say it was her she ain't healed she's got trauma she's making me holding me accountable for all the other men no you'll be accountable for you and she'll be accountable for her because y'all can come together and fix it together but you have to be humble enough to say it's something wrong with me that could be the solution to how we heal this thing it's okay to be who you are yeah that could be the solution you fix some of the stuff you've stayed in between the past when I felt like you have to fix it you didn't know who I was but I probably wasn't comfortable with who I was when I first met Porky or Portia Bube all of that but I probably wasn't comfortable with who I was but she loved who I was that made sense she loved who I was probably more than I loved who I was at the time and so it was her being my friend and really loving the authentic me that I could show her with no judgment because as being a PK I'm judged by people because they want me to look like or be like or whatever and I could really be just who I am freeing that and not have to worry about she's going to use it against me later she's going to throw it in my face she's going to talk about me behind my I didn't have to worry about that with her she made you feel safe definitely and so but who and stress your girl like or still had to call you out on your shit because baby but it was necessary it was needed I didn't have a friend like that who would call me out or whatever or or say you're good in this but you need to work on this you get what I'm saying and I appreciate that I'm grateful for that for her but and also for me like if she see this in me well I need to see it for myself and so digging deep to you know like I feel like I started my my healing journey what seven eight years ago probably definitely so I got I got two questions and I guess what end on is no less you got to send most Allen or the beautiful lady here and the beautiful lady here what have you learned now and your approach to dating a man what would you say that from your experience that you would you would go into new newly doing new now with a man Oh why you gonna ask me no I'm just you take it you take it you and me take it I know you're not single I was about to say you're out you know what I mean she's dripping sauce all over the place you know what I mean I might be looking out the door don't give a damn I said this earlier about being at friend first and like really getting to know them before I say oh I want to be in a relationship with him or whatever and I feel like that takes longer than three months too I feel like I kind of understand why men take it slow with women sometimes in certain situations they're really serious about this woman or whatever the case may be they don't mind taking it slower other than you know I just want to get to it whatever so for me I'm not ready for a relationship I'm not really ready to I was talking about this earlier with my bestie like baby I'm not trying to be out here in these streets randomly with men like if I'm going to be out in these streets he's my man like I don't want to just be out randomly dating a man like I just like let's be friends we could be friends we build on that and then if we feel like it's going to turn into a relationship and we want to start like going out and dating I'm more cool with that because I can say this my man and I can be out with him and not I guess for me who I feel like my reputation or who I am I just can't be out here in these streets with just anybody or whatever and so I keep a lot of stuff private and but being a friend first is the most important thing for me now do you feel any pressure I would say to because you know we moving fast now in this day and day just for sexual pleasure you know many just going to wait around no more right right so I understand it's like oh you know the Steve Harvey rule 90 days yeah I get what you're saying so I mean how do you fit that into trying to make all that work do you make them wait if you have other options no okay I don't make a man wait if I want him I want him okay I mean feel me like I'm probably grown okay and like you know how they be like test the car or whatever before you drive it or take it out the light whatever the case may be sometimes I might feel like that just I'm just being honest you know you gotta test that you gotta take your test drive now yeah however I was saying not everybody gonna get that you get what I'm saying it's it's very selective it's very selective on who I decide or choose to be friends with you and we can have a good time too and it ain't with everybody you get what I'm saying so yeah I I like being single I'm enjoying this been a year for me now thank god I made it a year that's what I do I know right and so I just wanted to take this time for myself to be like see first of all start over and see what type of men do you like darling because you don't know you like you know just a whole fresh new eyes now you don't know what you like so figure out what you like and then make sure you be their friend first before you fall in love with them basically I'll say this and then we'll close out you know I'm a psychology nerd and one of the things is like fascinating about psychology so there's something called a dark triad it's a psychopathy narcissism and Machiavellianism so psychopathy you're kind of born with you know it's the we think of them as serial killers but they don't have a conscience and sociopathies on that spectrum sociopathy something happening in your life that turned you into a psychopath okay what's interesting is a lot of those traits are like like signified by I don't care about anybody but myself so much so that I can kill people I see myself as God I see myself as superior to people but what's interesting is those people also simultaneously hate themselves so what's fascinating and going back to the whole humility thing I think this first play of energy that we are circulating in our society right now it's on the narcissism spectrum which is on the psychopathy spectrum but it really boils down to self-hate and we don't think about it that way because we just see the confidence and the over-the-top shit but it's really I don't like myself and because I don't like myself the only way I can conceptualize myself is as a God larger than life and better than everybody I'm gonna spend a hundred million six months so I would say we should be gross especially in our community we should be a bit more authentic in our emotions and why we do the things that we do whether it's decisions we make in mates the decisions we make in how we move and the consequences that result in that because if we can start moving in that direction I think it will become easier to empathize with men as a woman and empathize with women as a man because we're humans we're flawed we're walking contradictions a lot of shit it don't make sense we say this but we actually want that right so and I think these conversations really helped that and I want to shout y'all out because just the optics of three black women two black men having a respectful authentic deep conversation I think we need to put that out more in the ether so sure shout out to y'all I appreciate y'all that has picked a lot for me absolutely I'm gonna give everybody a last word and then we'll close this thing up you know they don't start with me let's start away why you oh oh you had a blessing Mike you got it oh you got it oh what am I doing answering his question no no no just last word just last word no but I think you're absolutely right in this day and age that's what a lot of people go to social media podcasts and things like that so just having a healthy conversation and I was talking to him earlier that's what we lack also a lot of people don't know how to communicate in a healthy manner to where you don't agree with me I don't agree with you but we can come and we can talk about it and see each other's perspective and not bash each other because we don't agree with each other so this is definitely needed and necessary and we just gotta start taking accountability for us start taking accountability is the biggest and we can get that everything else will fall into place everything that and brings humility and everything else that will open the gateways for so many things and stop blaming everybody else or stop blaming finding somebody to put the blame on even if it's not you don't look at somebody to blame but if it is you definitely stop blaming everybody and again all these expectations and perspectives and memes a meme is somebody I can make a meme now I can make 500 of them stop going off of that really look into it and really research and don't be going off of meme and you posting it off of trauma because a lot of the stuff that's put out is put out from trauma it's from a woman that has been traumatized a man that has been traumatized even some of the podcasts and different things it's an opinion we all have them but make sure it's not rooted in the trauma because you putting out all this stuff and now you're taking in this toxicity and thinking it's right just because it's on social media everything on the internet ain't right and it's a lie too without a doubt spit it spit it yeah Jota God 7 talk to them I would say the most valuable thing that I've learned that my 47 years on the planet is self-evaluation oh good learning to look thank you brother self-evaluation and accountability learning to put the put yourself back in a position of power where you're not blaming anything outside of yourself but learning to contextualize everything that you've experienced and appreciating the experience so that it does serve you and your growth and development so that you can continue to heal yourself and help others that's how I pretty much live my life every day and it has helped me over the last 22 years of living that way of blessing other people to be able to see that with inside of themselves so when I interact with people I always get people to see and evaluate the spectrum of their ego and if they can silence the ego everything else kind of submits to them so when we learn that that we are in control we have power right powers always deal with inside of us we have to stop looking at ourselves as these powerless entities and beings right we actually can change you know there's a scripture in the bible that says man dominates man to his injury right so when you look at how we affect each other through our actions once we learn humility vulnerability then we step into a state of power that we can transition the world that we live in I've always believed that the world has gotten a chaotic state because of our participation but the world can get in a loving state the same way it's just how we trajectorize it right you know so I wake up every day on the planet and I operate in a manner of love so that I can project that not only to myself but to other people got you so that's what I would say all right porky make us go viral again man I ain't got no listen I gotta go search this crib yeah yeah yeah y'all it's been great I love all the confessions we've had today I'ma just tell you to love yourself enough to understand that you're the problem sometimes and suspect yourself enough to understand that you have to be the solution yeah try it again yep you have to love yourself enough to understand that sometimes you are the problem and have enough respect for yourself to also be the solution let's put that it down she going viral she going viral she going viral she going viral that's right they don't want to hear it say so say so that's exactly what the women need to hear right then it's like so much that's what I need to talk to my spirit says value yourself and value others because if you value yourself and you value others like we'll be able to communicate we'll be able to accept accountability because we care about that person because we value them we don't want to hurt them I want us I would love for everybody to be completely healed that will be dynamic but that's not always the case so we just have to choose right choose better choose make wiser decisions like being careful about who you bring into your your space in your your world you have to be careful with that if you value people not everybody I'm gonna come here though you determine you have the the power to say I don't want to be around this because they're not healed they're not on the same level as me innocent and it's not that you looking down it's just what you want to deal with and how you want to protect yourself and I don't feel like there's anything wrong with protecting yourself from toxicity I said that right right yes I got it so value yourself and value others or whatever and then go learn Jesus go go talk to the Lord like I'm gonna come out you know what I'm saying you're gonna ruin them you need to go talk to the Lord you need to go tell a little prayer or time but yeah so thank y'all for having me I appreciate it appreciate y'all I have a quick sentence for now look I know we're about to close look and take accountability when you choose wrong that's right what kind of doubt that's right you got anything you want to close it out with brother? nah that's it that's right that's right