 So let's get started. So in college, I had a professor announce in our first discrete mathematics course that he was going to teach us how to count. And that counting would be the hardest thing we would learn in that class. So as naive college students, we thought he was cuckoo. Counting hard, ridiculous. Well, we learned pretty quickly how bloody accurate that statement was. Counting indeed was the hardest thing we learned, despite the fact that we thought we already knew how. So like counting, communication is hard. And we constantly get it wrong. It's easy to dismiss getting better at communication because we do it every day. So how bad can we be at it? When things go wrong, communication is one of the last things we tend to blame for why things went wrong. We usually assume it was a server issue or a code mishapper that went into a lot of problems. Or that, you know, developing we had issues and that's why the deadline was missed. But if we communicated those mishaps up front and why they happened and the impact they had on that delivery, they would have, you know, things going truly wrong would happen much less frequently. And then when things go right, we rarely attribute good communication as to the reason why things are going well. So nearly every problem I've encountered in software can be traced back to a communication mishap, a simple misunderstanding or perhaps a misspoken phrase. So whatever it was, a small tweak would have avoided a problem altogether. So communication on its own is kind of a huge topic. Anyone that would take probably countless 40 minute time slots to talk about. So this talk is gonna focus on five tips that will make the most impact on your life. My goal is for you to be able to leave here armed with these five tips and have them improve your communication and positively impact your relationship with others immediately. So every example or walkthrough has a foundation in the real world. This is to ensure that they're relatable and understandable and whenever possible, they are written in conversations that happen as developers. That said, there will be some difficult mental health topics and an occasional use of profanity. And if you've never seen Harry Potter, this is your warning. And then the theme of Harry Potter, we can be joined by two hedgehogs, Ron and Harry. And Harry as the talk suggests is the one that's learning how to communicate. And Ron will be playing all the other roles as necessary. And when both are on the slide, Harry will be denoted by the lightning bolt scar on his head. So without further ado, these are the tips that we're gonna talk about. Think, then speak. Drop the knots. Drop the jests. And watch your phrasing. And praise in public, critique in private. So hi, my name is Laura. I am a software engineer by day, a business owner by night, and an animal lover always. And if you do the Twitter thing and like to see pictures of hedgehogs and other cute animals, I just read funny things my husband says and the occasional Sacramento health topic you can find me at Laura Trev. And for some examples of furry animals you see, that is my dog Jackie and my hedgehog princess, Kandana. Why you want me to go back? All right, so tip number one, think, then speak. So speaking without thinking can cause all manners of problems. You may let slip a secret or say something inappropriate in front of children or a bad mouth someone in front of their best friend. So when you bypass the thinking and dive right into speech, you do something I like to call word from it. Basically use feel whatever comes to mind first, regardless of what consequences may follow. And in the digital age with Slack and other editable messaging platforms, we've only exasperated the problem. We can edit our messages on the fly, changing that history to become more favorable for us. This unfortunately is unavailable in spoken communication. And yet because of how frequently edit our asynchronous messaging, our spoken tends to show a very more unfavorable side. So taking a moment to think before you communicate is a foundation of all good, understandable communication. The moment it takes to consider what was said and to consider what to say removes that word vomit. And you will say what you mean, mean what you say and be understood as it was meant to. All of the other tips we'll talk about will build on this. So there are three questions you can ask yourself before you communicate. These questions are purposely designed to halt your mouth long enough to avoid saying something you'll regret. First is what do you want to say? This is intended, this is the intended outcome or point of what you'd like to get across. And then you want to ask yourself who you are talking to. Knowing who you're talking to is important as it directly affects question number three, which is how should you explain it? How can you phrase your inquire or message to be best received by the person you're conversing with? So as an example, let's say you need to take a day off last minute but your team is pushing towards a really big upcoming deadline. So you go through these three questions, what do you want to say? Well, you want to take time off and who are you talking to? Well, you're talking to your boss. And how should you explain it? Probably carefully. Your boss is anxious about the deadline and time off, especially last minute time off may be taken poorly. So there's still, you can still ask for that time off but you also want to add in reassurances for how you'll ensure your work will get done and on schedule prior to that you're taking that time off. So these questions may seem for both and cumbersome to need to go over it every single time you want to communicate. And I get that. But practicing these questions over and over again, even in written communication and in your spoken communication, you'll eventually be able to do this by rote. So stopping to think first can help you avoid sharing something in private or that is not yours to share. So in Harry Potter, Hagrid had a lot of trouble keeping secrets to himself and spent much of the first movie saying things that should have been kept secret especially from Harry, Ron and Hermione. For example, he told them to the secret his three-headed dog, Flecky, was guarding was between Professor Dumbledore and Nicholas Vermell. He immediately realized he let out a secret by saying Nicholas Vermell and turned away muttering his regret. Oh later, while he's attempting to hatch a dragon name that he found or got from a stranger, he claimed that all of the other productions that were guarding that stone were pointless because no one but him and Dumbledore knew how to get past his dog. While less of a slip up, it was still a giveaway that there were other spells and enchantments that were guarding that stone. And so when Harry started questioning how Hagrid got that dragon egg and what happened to show up in his stranger's pocket, he confronted Hagrid about it. And then Hagrid let slip that he told that complete stranger how to get past that dog by playing him a bit of music and he fell straight to sleep. So if Hagrid had taken a moment to think about who he was talking to, there's a good chance he would have stopped himself from telling Harry Ron and Hermione about secrets. There's also a good chance they would have thought through his decision to tell a complete stranger how to get past that dog that was currently guarding a really important stone. So furthermore, Hagrid regretted what he said. So pausing to think about what he was going to say before would have saved him a lot of that regret. So other times you may say things that you regret or when you're angry or otherwise emotional and those words come out, the words that come out are ones that you often will regret later once those emotions wear off. So take that moment to think before responding and you'll avoid saying something you'll regret later. So Professor Monica Nagle was brilliant at thinking on her feet and filtering her thoughts and phrasing. Her statement's perfectly for whom she was talking to. And this was especially true when she was speaking to Professor Umbridge, the cruel evil professor who's wearing pink in her hair's fifth year. So when Umbridge fired Professor Trelawney and was attempting to banish her from the castle, Professor McGonagall was finally comforting her colleague and seeing this Umbridge inquired, is there something you would like to say dear? And McGonagall responded by literally saying nothing that would invoke a serious reaction from Umbridge. All of I continue to comfort Professor Trelawney. Or when Professor Umbridge then attempted to undermine her in a class inspection, Umbridge or McGonagall was literally having none of it. After the first interruption, she told Umbridge that she indeed got her notice, otherwise she would have asked why she was in her classroom. After the second one, she asked if Umbridge needed a cough drop. And after the third interruption, her reply was straight to the point and she had Umbridge right up. So tip two is drop the nuts. So dropping the nuts and negatives and denials out of your speech is probably one of the more straightforward tips you're gonna talk about. In that moment you're thinking before you speak, you can look at how you're about to phrase those responses and drop those nuts. So one of my favorite pastimes is to chain watch videos on YouTube. So occasionally I'll get through a chain of videos our kids during our saying are ridiculous things. So one example that comes to mind is where a kid was playing quietly in another room while the mother rests on the couch. And after some time, the mother realized that things were just a little bit too quiet and inquires, what are you doing? And the kid responds, I am not eating crayons. And with that, the mom leaps off the sofa, bolts to the room to find the walls covered in drawings and half eaten crayons strewn across the carpet. So we find this hilarious because it's so relatable. We knew that kid was eating those crayons simply because of how he answered that question. Rather than answering that he was coloring, they answered with a denial. I'm not eating crayons. Unfortunately, kids are pretty naive when it comes to communication. So denying when asking or denying when asked a question is tantamount to emitting guilt, which is exactly what happened. Nuts reveal truth. When you deny something, others will automatically seek that truth behind your statement. And chances are your denial speaks more truth than answering that question directly. So if you drop the word nod to the kid's response, what are you left with? I'm eating crayons. And that kid was definitely eating those crayons. So you watch these videos to read these stories about kids misbehaving. There's a general theme. Kid does wrong. Adult is another room. Kid is a little too quiet. Adult inquires what kid is doing. Kid responds by denying they're doing. And adult immediately assumes that kid is doing what they're denying. And unfortunately, this theme is a prevalent even in our communication as adults. When we ask a question, we often reach for denial rather than simply answering that question. And in general, a tendency is to communicate in various forms of negatives. So we state the lack of something. We deny things. We say no, and we skirt responsibility. All of these contribute to how we are perceived. Negatives are harder to parse and even harder to parse when they're stacked. I can't find my keys nowhere or I'm not doing nothing wrong. So speaking of negatives increases the complexity involved in understanding what is being said, which leads to people misunderstanding you. It's a short hop to realizing that negatives are one of the reasons why we feel so misunderstood. That said, knots do still have a place in the world. There are times that using the negative is the more appropriate and understandable response. So if you go into a store and ask for an item that's out of stock, you want that sales rep to tell you that they don't have any in stock. Any other answer will be frustrating and annoying. So if you're asked a direct question, answer it directly even if you're saying no. So here's some examples of knots that we should be dropping. That's not possible or a sibling, we can't do that. Our common refrains when we are presented with an impossible deadline or a feature request that is so absurdly out of scope that our gut reaction just says, we can't do that or it is impossible. If you do this often, you'll find that people will feel you're unreceptive to their needs or difficult to work with or just plain rude. So the issues with these statements is that while they're true, they're only partially correct, right? Because that deadline's gonna come and go, whether that's how time works. So rather than saying that it's not possible, focus instead on what is possible by that deadline. This kind of language opens up a conversation that allows both parties to contribute and come to an agreement. Or for those massive features that are out of scope for that system, you can be honest about it and tell them it'll take time. And then offer to break down that feature to see what the actual need is. This is important because it shows that you're willing to work with them to find a solution that meets their needs. And this exercise often uncovers a better solution to solve the problem that the users were having in the first place. So with these rephrases, you show you are receptive to their input and ideas and you're willing to work with them to find a satisfactory solution. And that's not my job. Comes up a lot when we're asked to do something that is outside our so-called job description. So in this example, it may be easiest for Harry to dismiss this request because he knows that someone else's responsibility. But what happens if Ron thought it was Harry's job? Or if Ron doesn't know who to ask and the Harry was the logical person to ask? So dismissing these requests can have an unintended side effect of creating a negative perception of you. And you may earn a reputation for being unhelpful or a slacker or that you can't or won't do your job. Instead, you can point out who does do that job and then offer to ping them and create that connection. Now my problem is a common refrain when you're trying to skirt responsibility. In this case, there are two primary ways that this can be interpreted. The first is when it is Harry's problem and he's skirting responsibility because he'd rather be doing something else. Or it is someone else's problem, but Harry, it still affects Harry because he uses that same build. So either way, skirting responsibility is perceived poorly by others. So take a moment and focus on the problem and help anyway. Don't think you're helpful and even if you're unable to solve that problem, they'll be appreciative of your effort. Of course, there'll be times that the problem really is in someone else's court. If you find yourself in this type of situation, you can do two things. You can point that person to someone who can help or you can sit down and be the rubber duck and help them troubleshoot the issue anyway. Either way, you'll find that your teammates appreciate you and your willingness to help. And lastly, not now, is the ever refrain of a busy developer. Every other example we've walked through has assumed that Harry has stopped whatever he is doing to help. And this is an unreasonable assumption. Everyone needs that flow time or the uninterrupted time and stopping what you're doing can be detrimental to your productivity. And unfortunately, there are times you are gonna be interrupted and lose your train of thought in a cloud of smoke. And when this happens, try not to lash out and remain composed. Instead, let them know that you are heads down and in the flow. People inherently understand the idea of being in their zone. So they're receptive to it. And avoiding that lash out, let them know that you're willing to help even if it has to wait until later. And there are some companies that have policies in place to ensure flow time remains uninterrupted. So for example, we have a rule that if you have headphones on both ears, you're considered to be in do not disturb mode. So tip number three is drop the jest. So jest as much as we are prone to using, speaking in negatives, we're also prone to using jests. There are three different types of jests that we need to drop. The elitist jest, the different in jest and the diminutive jest. So the elitist jest is the one that we use when we might feel superior or impatient or the subject matter is like beneath our notice or even our focus. This is especially prevalent that I found in polio quest or when people are asking questions that you might find a little bit dumb. And I find that when this jest is in question form, people tend to justify their use of it, but it's still no elitist jest. So you can see this phrase, why don't you jest spotted the nine question forms such as just do this or just do that, or you can jest. All of these imply that you're too impatient to look through the work and figure out how they actually did it or that you're too busy to dig in and understand their approach. You end up telling them how you would do it rather than teaching and you're dictating rather than showing. Instead, dig into what they did. Open up your mind and learn something new. Oftentimes what they did is completely new and interesting. And if you always do things in the old way, you are gonna miss out on learning from your peers and growing yourself. And sometimes what was done was actually confusing. So take a time to ask about it, dig into the intent behind the change. Ask them for their reasoning for doing it the way they did and it'll clue you in until their thought process. And you'll be better equipped to answer questions and help them move forward. And if their approach will ultimately cause problems or bottlenecks or performance issues, you can let them know, but also explain why. Take the extra time to teach them why their approach can cause issues. So they'll be better equipped to avoid it in the future. So validate their work. By removing that elitist just, you create and promote a safe culture of learning and growth for everyone. And when necessary, offer that alternative and suggest changes, but avoid correcting by telling, showing them the way forward and giving them room to figure it out on their own and lead when necessary. And be kind while you do it. The diffident just, or another word is a comparison just, is a just used when you lack self-confidence and detract from your own accomplishments, especially in the wake of someone else's seemingly bigger accomplishment. This is important to note that diffident differs from being humble. Someone who is humble uses unassuming, unpretentious language to describe their accomplishments whereas someone who is diffident uses language that purposely talks down, detracts from their own abilities or skills or powers. You'll find this just frequently in comparisons, but you'll also find them when someone is struggling with imposter syndrome. So when presented with someone else's comparatively grandiose accomplishment, you suddenly feel like yours is nothing and you put down your accomplishments as it was no big deal. When perhaps to you, it was a pretty big deal. When you do this, your guilty of using was diffident just. So I just ran the 5K. And perhaps in comparison to the 10K or half marathon, it does seem pretty inconsequential, but a 5K is still accomplishment, especially for newer casual runners. Or perhaps a little closer to home. I just do lightning talks or sometimes meetups. That's still impressive. Public speaking for any length of time in any type of venue is really hard. And perhaps you struggle with imposter syndrome. It's easy to think that you're less than you are or that your abilities are less than they are. I'm just a developer. Well, guess what? You are a developer and you are skilled at what you do. So drop that just. And further, own your skills. You are an expert at building Rails applications. Or maybe you're just a bootcamp graduate and you feel that your skills are weaker or less refined for someone who came from a more traditional background. Well, God's wallop. You are still capable of building wallop or token source software and web applications. So own your accomplishments. Be proud of them. Avoid using that different just that detracts from your own accomplishments and skills. I did a lightning talk. I ran a 5K. I'm an expert software engineer. And then if you find yourself in a situation where you're the one with a cell called greater accomplishment, encourage them and praise them for their accomplishment. Nice job on that lightning talk. It takes guts to get up on that stage. Keep it up. And congrats on that 5K. You rocked it. So the diminutive just is a different than the diffident just because it's characterized by you diminishing others. This type of just presumes, puts on another or presumes that the others feelings or actions are invalid or exaggerated. So this type of just is used often in regards to feelings. And it can often be seen perpetuating stigmas around mental illnesses. So mental illness disorder, such as depression or anxiety are often diminished by phrases like you're just sad or you're just a nervous Nellie. Or it's just in your head. Or why can't you just be happy? Mental health disorders affect approximately one in five adults in the United States. That's approximately 43.8 million people. So hearing you're just nervous or you're just sad as this comic portrays, don't be sad is enough for feelings of guilt and worthlessness of those suffering from anxiety or depression disorders or other mental illness disorders have those feelings grow. And in some cases enough to spin that person into uncontrolled or download spiral. And these comments only further fuel their feelings of helplessness of not being able to help themselves. And yet people still say these things and expect them to simply step out of it. So if you're truly at a loss, tell them you don't understand. And then follow it up by telling that you're there for them. Even if that means sitting in the same room with them and saying nothing, that can mean the world. And if you know that person well, you can also offer to do things you know that might help. Everyone has different triggers and everyone has different ways to cope. Something like offering to bring them a book is helpful in a few ways. They'll know that you're there for them. They'll receive a potentially much needed physical proximity to another human being. And they'll receive a comforting object that can often break up that turmoil that's going on in their head. So one of my best friends copes with mental anxieties and depression by running. So she founded Still I Run as a way to create a community and surround herself by people who are suffering from the same thing or people who are willing to help bring awareness to mental health illnesses. So when she's struggling with depression, she laces up her shoes and runs out the door. And then I have another friend who struggles from anxiety. And in the grips of an anxiety attack, she can forget to eat or the very thought of making food or having to order food and have a stranger come to her door is way too much. And there are other people who forget to eat or miss meals simply because they're too depressed or too anxious to even think about it. So offered to make their favorite or most comforting food for them. So one of my favorite all-time favorite Harry Potter quotes is when Harry met his end at the, by the hand of Voldemort in the Forbidden Forest during the Battle of Hogwarts. When he went into that dreamlike state, Harry had asked Dumbledore if what he was experiencing was real or if it was just happening inside his head. And Dumbledore, a highly respected member of the Wizarding Society and a beloved character by many stated that things that happen inside your head are as real as anything else you experience. So tip number four is watch your phrasing. So we've touched on phrasing a few times so far but we're gonna dive into it a little bit more now. So phrasing is a pretty broad term. So we're gonna break it down into three types. Self deprecating, stereotyped and ambiguous. Self deprecating phrasing including self deprecating humor is harmful to you, to your psyche and more likely baseman falsehoods. These phrases often diminish your worth and weakens the perceptions of you to others. So how many times have you responded, I'm fine, wrote to the question, how are you? So these two words rank very high in the list of most used phrases. So how are you? I'm fine. Are you okay? I'm fine. What's wrong? I'm fine. It's a loaded phrase that can be interpreted in many different ways and will be interpreted differently depending on who you is on the receiving line. If you say you're fine, even though you're doing great, people have no idea how content and happy you really are. So try answering how you really feel and see what conversations open up for you. I'm doing great. I'm fantastic. But then also be honest when your feelings are sad. Pretending all is fine when surely it isn't is doing you to service and it can push your friends away when they observe that you're anything other than fine. So comparison phrases can also be self-deprecating. Talking down on yourself or your work because you feel someone else did a better job is also detrimental to your well-being and your self-confidence. You've already taken the first step to do that activity and that's awesome. No one is perfected out of the first time or even the tenth time or even the hundredth time. So if you're impressed with someone else's work, instead of comparing it to yours, compliment on theirs. And if you feel inclined, you can even ask for some tips to get better yourself. Or how about using derogatory of words or phrases because you're embarrassed by it. These types of phrases are harmful to you. And the term loony bin, for example, perpetuates the notion that mental health illnesses are only in your head or not real or only for crazy people. So be honest about your experience and help break down those barriers. You are in a mental hospital and that's okay. Or maybe you need to take meds for your mental illness in front of others. Well, medication is actually really extremely common. People take meds for all sorts of different ailments so why is meds for depression and mental illness any different? All you need to say is you need to take your meds. If someone's curious and asks what for, you can clarify that it's for depression and anxiety. But making it fuss about it being your crazy meds is wildly inaccurate and harms your perspective of others and the perceptions the other has of you. It's okay to need to take meds for any reason. So stereotype phrasing is phrases that commonly are commonly said to perpetuate stigmas or leave persons or groups out. So phrases like ladies and gents, boys and girls, men and women, guys and gals all leave person or person groups out. So instead use terms like all or everyone or folks to avoid unintentionally leaving groups of people that are outside of those binary buckets. Even Maui from Moana corrected to himself. He initially said hero to men but after a short pause he amended his statement and said and woman, men and woman, both. All, not a guy, girl thing, you know. Maui is a hero to all. So the phrase man up perpetuates the stigma that a guy isn't a man or man enough so he's belittled or shamed or showing emotion or crying or otherwise appearing weak. And similar to man up phrases like you act like a girl or you run like a girl or you're such a girl all perpetuate the stigma that girls are weaker or the lesser than their counterparts. And it perpetuates that showing emotions and being weaker or being unable to do something is the things that girls do in that guys or others. And the phrases like that's gay is often used to describe things that are unpleasant or bad and these perpetuate the stigma that stereotypes that guys or any other member of the LGBTQIA community are unpleasant or bad. So to start describing things as they are and remove those stereotypes, phrasings that are harmful to others and make you look ignorant. So ambiguous phrases are phrases that can be interpreted two or more ways. Occasionally the result is hilarious but taking a moment to think about what you really mean to say and then say it properly is probably in your best interest especially if your job is in marketing or copywriting. This company Sheets made an entire marketing strategy around a defecation plan words. So in Harry Potter 4 Hermione is 11 just a Victor Crum, a visiting student from another magical school and when she was marking to Harry how her relationship with Victor was she stated that he was more of a physical being to which Harry assumed that she met physically intimate and Harry Hermione really in reality only meant that Victor was not particularly talkative and watched her study. So they're also afraid that they're so vague or understating that you'd hardly know the event was catastrophic. So Sir Hasmood Duff Gordon remarked on his survival of the sinking of the Titanic was as simple it was a serious evening. Well, it was a serious evening like over a thousand people lost their lives on that ship. Or another example is during the Korean War when British Brigadier Tom Brody described the impossible odds of 650 to an estimated 10,000 as a bit sticky. And the Americans unaware of the actual numbers did not send reinforcements as they assumed that it couldn't be that bad based on Tom's message. So tip number five is praising public critique in private. The feedback loop, including both praise and critique is important. And it's also important to note or take the time to consider the implications of how we praise and how we critique each other. Both sides of the feedback go hand in hand. So this is tip is a little bit of a two for one. So praise in public and critique in private is a common adage among leadership and management. But I find I personally find this adage to have some unintended side effects when coming from the management level. And furthermore that the praise and critique coming from a superior is understood and interpreted differently than when it comes from a peer. So therefore this section is gonna focus on the praise and criticism between peers. And when praise and critique is done well at the peer-to-peer level, you suddenly feel empowered by your team and your team feels empowered by you. You are accountable together, you celebrate together, but then you also fall together. So praise is intrinsic to a human nature. We crave praise and acknowledgement and we want a receipt of our effort that what we're doing and what we've done has been good. There's a certain amount of satisfaction from knowing that you did something fantastic. But unfortunately we're all a little bit bad at giving praise and we fail to celebrate as a team when things go really well. So praise in its simplest form is recognition. We seek and appreciate that recognition. The work that we do and the work we accomplish means feels better and we feel motivated to keep doing it when we are recognized for it. So praise is rewarded specific to the praise that happens as recognition for the work that was done and done well. This can be as small as a pull request or a well done pull request or as big as a feature that a customer base or a client has been requesting for a really long time and is happy to have finally received. Well done, this is fantastic. Our customers are gonna really love this. And it can be as simple as a thanks for helping out on a feature. So praise as a motivator differs from that of a reward because the outcome might have been unexpected or otherwise well shorted expectations. So the purpose of praise as a motivator is to acknowledge that initial set of work but then to empower them to grow and encourage them to keep doing it. I like to call this type of praise every day praise because it's the stuff that's super simple to do but it means the world to someone who's growing. So I really like how you did this. Can we do this over here? Oh, this is a great start, nice job. And this type of praise, it's great but it also leaves that room for suggestions and improvements. Same with this statement, the main set of work was done but now we need to follow up and solve some of those edge cases which are a little bit harder to get to. Then it's important to note that we are praising the outcome of work and not the time it got took to get there. And this is extremely important because there's a huge difference between praising for the time and praising for the work. So thanks for working late. Praise is the time commitment for whatever activity we're doing but praising someone for working late perpetuates that notion that working late or working long hours is how you get that recognition. Instead, you wanna praise the outcome. Praise that person regardless of whatever time it may have taken. This can be helping a customer staying a little bit late because the deployment bad, whatever it might have been that activity is what you want to be praising. So contrary to praising in public, critique is best done in private. Remember, you're a team that empowers each other and so it also means that as a team you're responsible for keeping each other accountable including criticizing when necessary. So as humans, when we see poor behavior or more particularly when we are at the receiving end of that poor behavior, our natural tendency is to call it out and loudly. We want that person making us feel like crap to also feel like crap. So while critique is necessary to the feedback loop and for growth, it's important to know how to handle and give that critique. So we're gonna be talking specifically about behavior-driven critique. This is when someone does something or says something that is inappropriate or mean or whatever and then you witness it and wanna respond to it. I mean, there are definitely times that vocal public critique is necessary but before you do that, take that moment to think before you speak because there's a good chance that a private reprimand is good enough to alert someone that their behavior was inappropriate. And critiquing publicly especially out of our emotion often causes a twofold problem. When your emotions guide your response, you can look as foolish or even more foolish than the person you're critiquing for their behavior or your response can further escalate the encounter and only invoke defensive behavior of the one being critiqued. Remember that that person you're critiquing may not yet realize that what they said or did was wrong or bad. There are also times when people have or someone has repeatedly exhibited the same inappropriate behavior and it has been told to stop repeatedly and it's okay to escalate in this sort of situation. So when you find yourself at the receiving end of critique, especially public critique, you may find yourself feeling like it's unjustified and your feelings are valid but remember that their feelings are valid too. What you said evidently hurt them then if you ignore it, you're gonna be worse off. So if you go in assuming that your feelings are more valid or that you are right and they're the ones being unreasonable, you'll find that anything you say is taken as a further insult. So take responsibility of your words and learn from the situation. Go into the conversation with an open mind and apologize. Say you're sorry and then make a learning moment. When you apologize, mean it. If you follow your apology or something like, I'm sorry, your feelings were hurt, you're kinda doing it wrong. Remember, you're taking responsibility for your words so apologizing that they are feeling hurt completely fails to take that responsibility. So feedback, both through praise and critique is important for growth. Without either, it's easy to become stagnant. You become unmotivated to do any work because you feel unappreciated or because you're always told you're doing it wrong. So remember to think first and breathe before you're responding. Escalating leads to, can lead to mutual bad feelings that may go much longer than the actual encounter and that's not great. Moving conversations to private avenues allows for a safe place to understand that critique, consider it and learn from it and then grow from it. Public critique often invokes emotions that cloud that judgment and it often leads to a person failing to learn what they did was wrong and why. So takeaways, we made it. So we talked about think then speak. By thinking before you speak, it stops you from saying things that is meant to be a secret or not yours to share. It also stops you from saying things that you may regret later. So remember those three questions, what, who and how. And dropping the notes improves understandability and reduces the parsing complexity of negative statements. And dropping the just ensures you that you're being kind to others by avoiding and playing that you're elite or superior and it also avoids putting others down. And they also enable you to own your accomplishments and abilities rather than diminishing them. And then watch how you phrase things as that you are responsible for your words. Think about how your words will affect the people around you, including yourself. And phrase things in a way that avoids discriminating against other groups or implying incorrect meetings. And then remember that feedback in all forms is important for growth. Recognizing your team members for their accomplishments and critiquing them when necessary. So communication is hard. It'll take a lot of time to master these tips. But if you practice them and use, you know, in written communication or spoken communication, you'll eventually get really good at them. And I'm up here telling you about them because I think they're important. And I have seen how they work well in my life and have improved my relationship with others. And if you're interested, these are some of the resources I used. And then there's credits on all of the individual slides for the images. So thank you.