 It is with great pleasure that I present to you our Master of Ceremonies, that dignified style of stage, screen and radio, Genesis John Benny talking, and down that introduction was just what I wanted. Thanks for your cooperation. You're perfectly welcome, but why after all these years do you want to change your name from Jack to John? Well, because I feel that the name John is much more dignified for a dramatic actor. Dramatic actor? Certainly, Mary. In my program, I starred in I Stand Condemned. The week before that, I did a dramatic part with the screen-gill player. Oh, yes, I heard that. What do you think of my acting? You Stand Condemned. Well, that's a natural reaction from one whose talent springed from the stocking counter at the May Company. Anyway, I... But I agree with Dom, there's no reason for changing your name. Mary, I like the name John because it'll keep people from calling me Jackson and Jackie Boy. Imagine him calling me Jackie Boy. I'm not a kid anymore. You know, I'm nearing 37. Coming around again, eh? Yes, I was born in the Studebaker. That's why I wear glasses on the back of my head. Anyway, remember, kids, the name is John and that settles it. Well, I think the whole thing is silly. Whether it's John Benny or Jack Benny, I don't see any difference because after all, Jack is a nickname for John. That's exactly what I'm getting at. His nicknames have no dignity. For instance, how would it sound if Charles Boyet made passionate love to a girl like this? Come with me to the Kezba. Kiss me. It is your lover, Chuck. Chuck. I mean, what girl would kiss Boyet if his name was Chuck? I'd kiss him if his name was Hoppenpfeffer. All right, all right. Say Don. I'd kiss him if his name was Handelmeyer. Mary. Put down that telephone board. Why do you always have... Oh, hello, Dennis. Hello, Mr. Benny. Oh, oh, by the way, Dennis, from now on, you'll notice that all of your checks will be signed John Benny. Who's he? Me. That's right, Dennis. Jack changed his name to John because it makes him feel more important. And I also told Phil to stop calling me Jackson. Say, Mr. Benny, now that I have two shows, maybe I should change my name. Well, possibly. I think when a man reaches a certain point in show business, he should acquire a new name, and it should be dignified. Gee, that sounds good. What? Dennis, dignified day. No, no, Dennis, look, your last name day is all right, but it's your first name that's important. Oh. You see, it should be either dignified or at least something that commands respect. Mother's Day? Oh, no, forget it. Now, kids, I want everybody. How about Groundhog Day? No. I don't care what name you take, just so you call me John. Now, kids, I want everybody's attention. For tonight's dramatic offering, we're going to do our version of that popular motion picture margin. And since we need as many actors as possible, I asked Rochester to come down and help us out. So as soon as he gets... Hello, kids. Sorry, I'm late, but I was held up in traffic. Oh, hello, Phil. Hiya, Johnson. Johnson? Well, that's what you wanted, ain't it? You wanted to get yourself a hunk of dignity, so I'm digging you, Johnson. Phil. Phil. By dignity... Look, maestro. Look, by dignity... Phil, by dignity, I meant a name that has class. What's wrong with Johnson? Well, Johnson has no polish. What's Dr. McGee and Molly selling hotcakes? Oh, boy, am I sorry I started this. Oh, no, Jonathan. Oh, Jonathan, don't say that. You know, I think he got something there. What? Well, I don't like my first name either. Phil Harris. It ain't got no class. What are you going to change it to? McGregor Harris. McGregor? That's a Scotch name. Phil, you haven't got any Scotching. Oh, yes, yes. Oh, stupid of me. You're a four-fifth Scotch and one-fifth Chaser. Your name should be Full Harris. Your name should be Full Harris. Anyway, kids, I'm going to have dignity on this program. If I have... Hello? Hello, Mr. Billy, this is Portchester. Oh, you've been listening to the program. A Rochester wiretube at the studio. You're going to be in the sketch. Well, while I was driving down, I got hungry, so I put the car in the parking lot. Uh-huh. And when I got back, the man wanted to buy the... Well, I hope you told him my price was $1,000. Uh-huh, but he told me that the used car market has dropped some of the last few days. Oh, well, what did he offer you? $7.50. Well, that... that isn't so bad. You ought to see where the decimal point is. What? $7.50 for my car? Grab it fast. Well, I don't care if he's smiling or not. Offering $7.50 for my car. Why, the steering wheel is worth more than that. We ain't got one. No steering wheel, and how'd you get the car downtown? Same old way. And listen, Rochester, I want to get a good price for that car. It has a wonderful motor. Oh, come down, boss. That motor was old when you took it out of the washing machine. What's the difference? It runs, doesn't it? Yeah, but when you put it in reverse, the exhaust pipe splits down. Look, Rochester, do you tell this fellow that if he wants to buy my car, he can have it for $1,000 and not a cent less? Okay, just a minute. Imagine offering me $7.50 for my car. It's a wonderful condition. Still has the original rubber on the windshield wiper. I wouldn't sell that for... Oh, boss. Yes? The man said he'll give you $9 for the car if you'll throw in the lasso. What? $10.50 if you'll teach him how to use it. Rochester, I'm not glimping lasso lessons and the idea of that man offering me $9 for that car. He must be crazy. Well, let's take advantage of it. I'm not selling it for that kind of money. Now hurry over to the studio. Okay. Now come on, Dennis. Let's have your song. What are you going to sing? I'm going to introduce a brand-new song that's never been done before. It's called Falling in Love is Easy. Well, that's the catchy title. It was written by two members of your staff, Robert Ballin and Sam Perrin. Well, what do you know about that? Say, Dennis, if you sing this, what do you get out of it? What do I get out of it? They already gave me a check for $50,000 Pallardos. Pallardos? Dennis, we don't have any money like that in this country. I know, but if we ever do, I'll be rich. I knew you'd put it over on them. Come on, let's hear it. Starved Easy, written by Robert Ballin and Sam Perrin and introduced by Dennis Dignified Day. And now, ladies and gentlemen, for our feature attraction tonight, we are going to offer our version of Daryl Evzanik's 20th Century Fox nostalgic production, Margie. Now, Mary, you're going to be Margie and I'm going to be your schoolteacher, the man you fall in love with and eventually marry. I can hardly wait. The time is the present and the opening scene is where Margie and her husband, her former schoolteacher, are at home looking over the family album. Margie, I'm always thinking of you, Margie. I'll tell the world I love you, don't part. Margie? Oh, Margie, what are you doing? I'm just looking over some of these old pictures in my album. Most of these were taken way back when I was in high school. Oh, yes. Say, I never saw that picture before. Who's this young fella? Oh, him. He was my first daddy boyfriend. His name was Tommy Manville. Tommy Manville? How come you broke up? He told me he wasn't the marrying kind. Oh, say, look at this picture. It was taken at the senior class picnic at Lake Wanapahuka Makapuke in the Pines. Doggone always have a tough time pronouncing Pines. I shall never forget that picnic. That was the day you fell into the lake and I rescued you. And that led to my proposing to you, Margie. Yeah. You know, Pa, I have a confession to make. I really didn't fall in the lake. I jumped in on purpose. Well, I have a confession to make, too. I didn't jump in after you. Somebody pushed me. Say more. More. Here comes our son, Donald. Yep. You know, Pa, he's grown up and will be leaving here soon, and I think it's time he had a man-to-man talk with him. I think you're right, Ma. Come here, son. Yes, Daddy. You, uh... you better leave the room, Ma. Okay, Pa. Son, you're getting to be a man now. I want to talk to you. Something you ought to know. Come here. Sit down on my knee. Okay. Doggone and just my bones are getting brittle. Now, son, you're reaching the age where there are certain things you ought to know. What are they, Daddy? First of all, you must remember, lucky strike means fine tobacco. Really, Daddy? Yes. Lucky strike means fine tobacco. Surround, so firm, so fully packed. So free and easy on the draw. Okay, Ma, you can come in now. Did you tell him? Yep. When he gets married, we're going to put some ashtrays in his hope chest. You know, son, Ma and I were just looking through the family album. Here's a picture of you when you were a baby. Three weeks old. Gee, I was cute, wasn't I? Yeah. The only way, 160 pounds. And just look at you laying there on that bare-skinned rug. You killed the bear when you laid on it. That's right. Hey, Daddy, when did you and Mommy fall in love with each other? Well, I was a school teacher, and she was one of my pupils. That's right, son. I guess I first realized I was in love with your father just before I graduated from high school. I was walking to school with my best friend, Sarah Sauerbrock. Monty! What is it, Sarah? King's hair. Oh, I think you forgot pajamas. Really? Yeah. Here's some beautiful blue eyes. But I caught him with his glasses down. Hunting on the sheets. Then I, gosh, when he went into his tent and took off his turban, I saw my face. Have you had noise removed? Love with the teen, Sarah? Uh-huh. Yesterday he made me say after school. Why? Well, while he was out of the room, I drew a picture of him on the blackboard. Gosh, I made him look handsome. But why didn't he get sad? Well, while I was drawing the picture, I didn't know where to draw his hand, so I put it on his hip. Now, children, I shall call the roll. Dennis Day. Here. Margie Livingston. Present. Betty Sullivan. Here, teacher. Phillip Harris. Here, teacher, and I brought you a ham hock. Sauerbrock. Here, teacher. Humphrey Bogart. You missed me and sit down. Freddie Allen. Well, I'm here, teacher. 40 teachers in this school. He has to be in my class. Titus Moody. Howdy, Bob. Sammy Kitzel. Is Sammy Kitzel present? Ho-ho-ho. Husband, brothers. Aga-agaboo, aga-aboo, aga. When are you present? Yes, teacher. I'm here. I'm happy to see all your bright and spotting faces. Now, Dennis Day, you may erase the blackboard. Yes, teacher. I will start off with our geography lesson, children. The first lesson will be... Dennis, stop erasing the blackboard with that and put it back on my head. I'm sorry, teacher. I found it on the floor. Now, let's get on with the geography lesson. Freddie Allen, where's Portland? Home with her mother. Portland's an order guy. So it's her mother. Now, the next question is... The next question is... Where is Amsterdam? Ooh, he said... Dennis Day, don't be silly. I'll ask another question. Where's Helsinki? That's even worse. Dennis Day, be quiet. I'm trying to teach you something. Does anyone know where the House of Parliament is? I would like to take a chance, teacher. Oh, the little kid's a boy. All right, Sammy. Tell the class. Where is the House of Parliament? In London. That's right. We depict you in the middle and the big Ben on top. Good, very good. Now, Philip Harris. Where is Balli Balli? Right below your chesty-chesty. Calling next, but first, forcemen brothers. Recite the alphabet. A-B-C-D-E-F-T-H-I-J-K-L-S-M-F-T. Boy, that's wrong. Take it again and start with K. K-L-M-N-O-P-Q-R-S. P-Q-R-S. What comes after S? Truman. Anybody know what follows Q-R-S? Teacher, I know. Good, Philip. Let's hear it. Q-R-S-T-U-O-V. You are. I'm from the South, son. Now children, let's go to our history lesson. Frankie Nelson. Yes. Why did George Washington throw a dollar across the Potomac? I knew that would aggravate you. Frankie Nelson, you come here and stand up in front of my desk. I want to talk to you. For the next time I ask you a question. I don't want any more of that smart Alec talk. And if you do that again, I'm going to... I'm going to out-breathing on my dunce cap. Go sit down. Now to continue with our... What's all that giggling about? I saw them, teacher. Philip Harris was pinching Sarah's hour-broughton. Philip Harris was pinching Sarah's hour-broughton. Pinching? Philip, you must stop annoying Sarah. Back to our history lesson. In medieval times, they used to have many tortures. Can anyone describe some of them? Dennis had his hand up first. The first torture of all was the rack. That's correct. Now can you describe how the rack worked? Yes, teacher. The rack was a big wheel and they put a man on it and tie his hands at one end and his feet at the other. And then they turned the rack and would stretch his spine and stretch it and stretch it till finally... BOOING! That's a rather odd way of describing it, but you're right. Now, children, it's time for the pre-graduation debate. The subject will be resolved that the salary of the president of the United States should not be increased. Margie Livingston will take the affirmative. Dennis Day, the negative. Margie will speak first. Earned teacher, fellow students, and my most worthy opponent, I contend that the president should not receive any greater compensation for the following reasons. The presidency of the United States is the highest elective office in the world. And since the office is one of honor, dignity, and prestige, it should not be contaminated by anything so mundane as money. Is that right, teacher? Well... I thank you. Paul Dennis Day. Learned teacher, fellow students, and my worthy opponent, Margie, should be increased. Wouldn't it be a fine state of affairs if the president didn't have enough money to pay his rent and he was evicted? I can just see the poor man standing on the steps of the White House yelling, I learned school is over. Everybody can go home. But, Margie, I kept you after school because it gives me great pleasure to tell you that you won the debate and you win first prize. Oh, that's wonderful, teacher. What is the first prize? Me. Come on, Margie. I'll walk home with you. Yes, son. That's how your mother and I got married. What are you laughing at, Margie? Son, you wouldn't have been here if Dennis had won that debate. That's right, son.