 The Harold Perry Show! Hee hee hee! And now Harold Perry as Honest Harold the Homemaker. Well, there's a lot of hustle and bustle in the Honest Harold household this morning. This is the day Harold's young cousin Raymond from Chicago is arriving for a visit. Right now Harold and his mother are busily straightening up the living room assisted by their friend Dr. Yancey, the veterinarian. I think the sofa looks better over here. It'll hide that spot on the rug, Mother. It looks fine Harold. Harold, why don't you move this morse chair back against the wall? I will, Doc, if you'll get out of it. Oh, all right. It's going to be wonderful having cousin Raymond here. And it was awfully nice of you to give up your bedroom, Harold. Oh, that's all right, Mother. Raymond will only be here for a week or two just for his vacation. If we want to do everything we can to make him comfortable. I hope you won't be uncomfortable sleeping on the sofa. Well, Harold can wear his heavy PJs so the horse hairs won't give him nightmares. Oh, right. When did you see the boy last, Mother Ham? Always nearly ten years now. He was such a sweet little boy, such a young gentleman. Well, don't forget he's not a boy anymore, Mother. He's been out of college three years. What would he do? Oh, he's a real go-getter, Doc. The day after that boy graduated from college, he got a job in one of those big advertising agencies in Chicago. I imagine he's a big executive by now. Yeah, probably wears a belt and suspenders at the same time. See? That must be Raymond, Mother. Uh-oh, I'm going out the back way, meeting my own relatives as bad enough. Our reservoir. Oh, dear. Oh, dear, you go to the door, Harold. I want to get out of this apron. Yeah, all right, Mother. Meeting a big Chicago executive. Maybe I ought to put on my Hamburg hat. See, there's a taxi in front. Husband Raymond certainly does things in style. Cousin Raymond. Well, Cousin Harold, fancy meeting you here. I live here. Oh, a joke. Hey, won't you come in? Oh, thanks. Oh, there's one little detail. Have you got two dollars handy? Two dollars? For the taxi. Oh, yes. Here. Thanks. Oh, you got another dollar? Another dollar? Oh. Man, be right back. That's funny. He didn't have three dollars. Well, he's probably got his money all tied up in traveler's checks. Well, it's sure nice to be here, Cous. Cous? Oh, well, we're sure glad to have you here, Raymond. Here, let me take one of your suitcases. Oh, okay. It might be easier for you to carry both of them. Huh? One will balance the other. Oh, well. Never thought of that. Heavy must have his traveler's checks in him. Mother will be right in, Raymond. She's primping up a little bit. Sit down. Take the Morris chair. Oh, no, thanks, Cous. I'll just stretch out here in the sofa. Conserve my energy. Oh, guess all big executives do that. Oh, well, Cous, would you mind putting that pillow under my head? Oh, yes, of course. Thanks. That's fine. He's really conserving his energy. Well, tell me, Cous and Raymond, how are things in the ad game? The what? Oh, you know that big advertising company you work for in Chicago? Well, I haven't worked for them for three years. But I thought you started there three years ago. That's right. I only worked there one day. One day? Yeah, the boss wouldn't give me the afternoon off, so I quit. Well, I see. Cous and Raymond, what have you been doing these last three years? Lofing. Lofing? But you said in your letter that you were coming here for a vacation. Yeah, I needed a change. I got tired of loafing in Chicago. You did, eh? But Raymond, you want to make a living, don't you? Not as long as I can live off of somebody else. Wonder who he means. Well, well, if it isn't little Cous and Raymond. Oh, hello, Aunt Emily. Gee, he got up. Oh, you must be tired after your trip. Why don't you lie down again? All righty. He did. Aunt Emily, let me look at you. What? Why, it's remarkable. I haven't seen you for ten years, and you're still as attractive as ever. Oh, dear. Oh, brother. What an operator. Well, Raymond, so this is my hard-working young nephew. Yeah, that's what she thinks. It's so nice having you here. I'm sorry you can only stay for two weeks. Mother. Well, I really wish you could stay a year. But mother, Raymond can't stay too long. He only brought two suitcases. Who's that? Oh, that must be the man with my trunk. Uh, trunk? Yeah, I thought I'd bring it just in case he wanted me to stay longer. Oh. Oh, I'm so glad, Raymond. Yeah. Well, I tell you, I'll see about my trunk in, uh, oh, uh, cause, you got another $3. Of course he has. You better make it four. You know, I'm a heavy tipper. Heavy tipper? Oh, yeah. Here. Hope you won't mind those old dusty bills. Thanks, cause. Oh, hell, isn't it wonderful? Raymond is going to be with us for a long, long time. Yeah. Well, it's only three o'clock. Yeah, I've got some work to do. I'm Chairman of the Safer Driving Committee. I have a report to get out for tonight's meeting. Oh, well, you can work in the living room. It'll be nice and quiet over there. Thanks, Larry. And what's cousin Raymond been doing? Well, he's been lying down on the sofa all morning. Oh, where is he now? He's lying down in your room. Oh, my goodness. Is that all he's been doing all day, lying down? Oh, no. No, he got up for lunch. Oh. But he did. Mother Raymond is the laziest fellow I've ever known. No, Harold. Maybe he just hasn't found himself yet. All he has to do is look on the nearest sofa. Well, better get my report started. Little Glory is coming over from the radio station to type it up for me. Oh, that's nice. Mm-hmm. Well, better get on with my report. Let's see. I'll start at something like this. Ladies and gentlemen of the safer driving committee, as your... Oh, my goodness. What's that? Mother? Yes, Harold. What's that noise? Oh, that's Raymond practicing on his saxophone. Oh, my goodness. He says he's planning to have his own orchestra someday. Oh, what an orchestra that'll be. Reclining Raymond and his sleepy six. Oh, where was I? Oh, yes. Ladies and gentlemen, we must off. Oh. That did it. I'm going to have a talk with that boy. Look at him on the bed. He even plays the saxophone lying down. Hiya, cuz. Cuz? I mean, Raymond, I want to talk to you. Okay. Shoot. Don't tempt me. Raymond, I'm a little older than you are, and I think I know a little more about life. Uh-huh. I'm going to tell you the story of the grasshopper and the ant. Once upon a time, there was a very lazy grasshopper who slept all day. Well, a hard-working ant. Raymond, will you please open your eyes? Oh, sure. Thank you. You've been out of college three years and you've worked one day. I mean half a day. And Raymond, you can't go through life without working. Why? Why? Well, think of all the things you miss when you don't work. The thrill of a job well done. The respect of your fellow man. And there's the question of women. Women? He sat up. You know some women? Raymond, lie down. I was about to say, someday you'll want to settle down. Get married. But you have to be in a position to support a wife first. Uh-huh. Now, just suppose you met some beautiful young girl, Raymond, tonight. Why, you wouldn't know what to do. That's what you'd think. Huh? Just lead me to her, cuz. Raymond, that'll do. Goodness. The point I'm trying to make is women respect men who are ambitious, my boy. For instance, there's a young lady coming over here in a little while who, well, who thinks quite a bit of me. And you know why? Because I'm industrious. Serious-minded. Why, she wouldn't look twice at a man who's frivolous. There she is now. I just think over what I said, young man. And remember, to get any place in this world, you've got to be ambitious. Alert. Wide awake. Ah. Okay, cuz. Oh, my goodness. What a boy. He's like those new cars. Completely shiftless. Hello, Harold. Here's little old Gloria right on the dot. Hello, Gloria. Come on in. Okay. They're nice of you to come over and help me with my report on your afternoon off. Oh, you know that I'm always glad to help you, Harold. And I think it's just wonderful that you've been made chairman of the Safety Campaign Committee. Uh, it wasn't much, Gloria. Guess they just thought I was the best man for the job. You always say the cutest things, Harold. And a girl just has to admire a man like you. Hard-working public spirit. That's just what I was trying to tell somebody. Well, shall we get started on the report? All right. What's that? Uh, that's my cousin Raymond from Chicago. Just a callow youth, Gloria. You wouldn't be interested in him. Oh. Oh. Here he comes. Hi, ya, cuz. Hello, Raymond. Hey, who's the babe? Yeah, this happens to be Miss Gloria O'Day, who's employed at our radio station. And she doesn't care to be called babe. Oh, I think it's cute. What? Hi, Raymond. Hi, babe. Oops. I'll look here, babe. I mean, Gloria. Let's get down to work, shall we? Yeah, go right ahead. You won't bother me. I'll just lay right here on the sofa. I hope the horse hair tickles him silly. All right, Gloria. Take a letter. That is, take a report. Yes, sir. Ladies and gentlemen of the Safer Driving Committee, as your chairman, I am proud to report... Say, cuz, what is it? You didn't tell me you had such beautiful girls in Melrose Springs. Why, Gloria, is the cutest babe I've seen in a long time. Why, thank you, Raymond. Gloria, where did we leave off? As your chairman, I am proud to report that I'm the cutest baby seen in a long time. Gloria. Gloria. Raymond, you don't really mean that. Well, I bet the girls in Chicago are a lot cuter than I am. I bet they're not. I bet they are. I bet they're not. I bet they are. I bet they're not. Cut that out! Well, I guess I'll go out and look your little berg over. It's a good idea. Take that saxophone with you. Goodbye, Raymond. It's too bad you can't go with me, Gloria. We could have a lot of fun. We could get a soda, go to the movie. Raymond, you're just wasting your time. Gloria's not interested in having a good time when she has work to do. Of course, Gloria, if I thought you were the kind of girl who wanted to fritter away the afternoon with Raymond, I'd be the first to say, go ahead. I'd even let you use my Essex. Why, you could joyride with Raymond all afternoon. Oh, thank you, Harold. Oh, come on, let's go, Raymond. I'm sure I'd like to see you, cuz. The car keys, please. The car keys? Oh, sure. And maybe you'd like me to give you four dollars for gasoline. You better make it five. I know you're a heavy tipper. Well, go on, cuz, and don't forget the story of the grasshopper in the ant. I think I'll find a good, hardworking ant and punch him right in his antenna. We will return for the second act of our story, Honest Harold, in just a moment. Tonight on CBS, Dick Powell joins Bing Crosby for some singing. So for a half hour of grand hilarity and wonderful songs, don't miss Dick Powell's visit to the Bing Crosby show later tonight. The Bing Crosby show is heard every Wednesday on most of these same CBS stations. And now, back to Honest Harold, the homemaker. Well, we find Honest Harold a little upset this afternoon. He has a new problem. His lazy young cousin, Raymond, who has moved in for a long stay. That's what he thinks. So far, Harold's attempts to change Raymond from a carefree grasshopper into a hardworking ant have been completely unsuccessful. I've got 15 more minutes. Right now, our frustrated reformer is on his way to seek advice from his friend, Doc Yancy, the veterinarian. I don't know what's going to happen to that Raymond. He can't just go through life without working. I don't think. He's a real problem, all right. Maybe old Doc Yak Yak will have an idea. Yeah, come in. Hello, Doc. Close that door, quick, Harold. What? Close the door. There's a gap. It's OK. I'm giving this pecanese a bath. I don't want to do a little thing to catch cold. He's a princess, you know. Princess? Are you warm enough, Princess Lotus Blossom? Gesundheit, you guys. Oh, my gesundheit. Doc, I want to talk to you. No, shout, Harold. You're in the presence of royalty. What am I supposed to do? Bow? Did Doc get that nasty old soap in your eyes? Well, he's sorry. Oh, brother. Doc? Come on, slip into your little bathrobe. And it's got a royal crest on it. Everybody here. I've forgotten now. Oh, how's your cousin? That's it. I'm having a little trouble with him, Doc. Oh, it seems to be wrong with that young advertising genius. Genius? Do you know how long he lasted on that job, Doc? One day. He hasn't worked for three years. He just wants to loaf his life away. That's bad, all right. Somebody's got to work in this world. You can't all be politicians. Doc, I'm worried about the boy, really. I tried to talk to him, but it didn't do any good. It seems to me, Harold, what this young fella needs is a horrible example. What do you mean? Well, if we could just show him somebody who loathed his life away and came to a bad end, that might throw a scaring one. Hey, that sounds good, Doc. What horrible example do we know? Well, remember Drupy Johnson? Slippin' class all through high school? They had to wake him up to give him his diploma? What became of him? He's vice president of the bank in Cleveland. He couldn't use him. Harold, I've got an idea. You have? Suppose we get someone to impersonate a human wreck. You know, the tail end of a misspent life. Well, then who could we get? Well, it'd take a great actor, Harold. Someone with the combined talents of Spencer Tracy and, uh, uh, Sonny Tofts. Where are we going to find a talented actor in Melrose Spring? Doc, you don't mean? Yeah. Told you this, Harold, but I took the lead in the senior class play in veterinary college. Thank you very much, Doc. Now, wait a minute. I played a part just like this. You see, I was a young English lord who became a wastrel, you know. And in the third act, I was just a broken shell of a man reduced to bacon on the street to London. Doc, please. I'll never forget my big scene. It was wonderful. I shambled up to a well-dressed man and I said, Hi, sorry, Governor. Could you spare a tuppence or a threppence for a bloke who's down on his luck? Doc. Yes, sir, Governor. Harold had me hoops and downs. Down hoops, hoops and downs. Wait a minute. You see that sneer on your face, Governor? I know what you're thinking, but it's all right. Yeah. I was once a gent like you. Now, Harold is a bit of fluttersome and just reduced to cadding for a spot of tea in a dab of marmalade to keep all your souls together. I'm hungry, Governor. Hi. Hey, Doc. Use the corner and get yourself a nutburger. Goodbye. Doc was certainly of big help. I say, Governor, could you spare a tuppence? I've seen better acting than that on television. Maybe I'm just worrying too much about cousin Raymond. Pimp? Uh-oh. Prissy Pants Peabody. I suppose he'll be worse than ever now that he got elected mayor. Pimp, I want to talk to you. All right, Stanley. I prefer to be called by my official title, Mayor Peabody. Oh, brother. In case you've forgotten, I defeated you in the recent election. I hate him. Pimp, I understand the last mayor was foolish enough to appoint you chairman of the safer driving committee. Yes, he was. I mean, yes, he did. You're a fine chairman. Well, thank you. I don't mean that. An hour ago, I saw your car hurtling down Main Street 45 miles an hour on a 15-mile zone. An hour ago? Ooh, I wasn't driving the car. Oh, I suppose your car was being driven by a robot. No, a Raymond. What? They don't make them anymore. Just skip it. You were driving that car, Pimp. Now don't try to crawl out of it. Stanley, did you ever try to crawl out of an Essex? Besides, I wasn't in it. Now listen to me, Stanley. Not Stanley. You know what to call me. Brother, I sure do. I see you speeding just once more. There'll be a new chairman of the safety driving committee. But acting as though you weren't driving the car. Ha! But your mayorship, Pimp, you'll have to get up pretty early in the morning to make a fool of me. All right, I'll set the alarm. My car home. Shouldn't you be leaving for your safety committee meeting? I intend to leave, mother. As soon as Raymond brings back the Essex, where do I get my hands on him? No, Harold, you mustn't be too hard on Raymond. He may be a little too much. But I have the feeling that boy is going far. Well, he doesn't have to go in my Essex. There's no use waiting for Raymond any longer, mother. I'm late now. I'll walk to the meeting. All right. Kind of cold out tonight, though. I think I'll wear my overcoat. Oh, I forgot to tell you, Harold. Raymond brought by this afternoon and borrowed it. Borrowed my overcoat? Oh, my goodness. It's a wonder he didn't take my muffler, too. He did. Goodbye, mother. Goodbye, Harold. And good luck on your report. Thank you. That Raymond has certainly got his nerve, speeding around town all day, joyriding with Gloria. Now I'm going to be late for my meeting. Hey, you want a lift, Buster? I certainly... Raymond! Take you someplace, cuz? Well, you can drive me to my committee meeting if it isn't too much trouble. Oh, no trouble at all. Hop in, cuz. Thank you. Where to, Jack? What happened to Cuz? I want to go to the city hall and drive slowly. Oh, sure. How's this? You've been very inconsiderate, young fella. I don't suppose it occurred to you that I might want to use my own car. Oh, sorry, cuz. I didn't realize it was so late. We've been over to Gloria's house listening to records. Eh, it must have been a long playing kind. You might be interested to know, Raymond, that because of your thoughtfulness, I'm going to be late for my meeting tonight. You're going to be late. Well, why didn't you say so? What? Here, I'll just have you there in a jeffy. Raymond, you're speeding. Raymond, slow down. We're only doing 50, Cuz. But that's dangerous. It says so right here in my report. Ooh, look out for that car. Hang on, Cuz. We've waited on two wheels. I thought we left the ground. Raymond, you get arrested for this. They'll take away your driver's license. They can't do that. I haven't got one. No, man, you stop this car immediately. Do you hear me? I'll send you. Okay, Cuz. That was a foolhardy thing to do, Raymond. I'm at the end of my patience with you. You get out from behind that wheel. I'll drive myself. Okay. Going 50 miles an hour on Heliotrope Drive, you're just lucky the police didn't see us speeding that way. I got news for you, Cuz. They did. Huh? And here they come now. I'll see you later. Raymond, you come back here. There is Pete the Marshal. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. You gave me quite a chase, boy. Pete, look. I can explain all this. That's what they all say. Pete, you know me. I'm against speeding. My cousin was driving. Oh, your cousin was driving. Well, I got a handy to you, Harold. I never heard that alibi before. But Pete, you know, usually the fella says he's rushing to the hospital. Cuz his wife is having a baby. My goodness, if that baby story was true every time I heard it, the population of this town would be tripled. But now, Pete, really, this is the truth. Then there was a fella I picked up who went through a stop sign one time. Had two ladies crowded in the front seat with him. Said the reason he didn't stop was because he was too modest to reach over and shift the gear. Ain't that a doozy? Of course, they can't use that one anymore. The gear shift is obsolete in most cars. Pete, you've got to believe me. My young cousin was driving this car. Where is he now, boy? Hiding in the glove compartment? Yes, your cousin was driving the car, huh? Well, I declare, Harold, I'm afraid I'll have to make out a story. I'm afraid I'll have to make out a story. I'm afraid I'll have to make out a story. I declare, Harold, I'm afraid I'll have to make out a speeding ticket. You're certainly happy about it. Yes. Let me see your driver's license. Driver's license? Sure, I'll see you here. You got to write my... put it in my overcoat yesterday. And Raymond's got my overcoat. Who is Raymond, boy? My cousin. Oh, the fella in the glove compartment. Oh, what's the use? I just hope reclining Raymond is home. Got a few things to say to the little old cousin. Felt like a fool at that meeting tonight. Making a report on safe driving with a speeding ticket in my pocket. Now, Raymond has taken advantage of me for the last time. I'm going to request that he return to Chicago. My mind is made up. I'll go in his room and have it out with him right now. Raymond? Hello? Raymond, I'm a patient man. I could be pushed too far. And after what you've done tonight, I think it would be much better for all of us if you... Why have you got that suitcase on your bed? I've been packing. Packing? Yeah, I'm going back to Chicago. It was a train tonight. Oh, well, it's kind of late, Raymond. Why don't you wait and leave tomorrow? No, I think I better leave now. I've been nothing but trouble to you. Well, you've been very patient with me, Harold. But I'm really not worth it. I'm everything you said. I'm lazy. You're responsible. I guess I'll be a failure all my life. Oh, I wouldn't say that. You're young yet. I don't know what's the matter with me. I've been sitting here trying to figure it out. I guess the reason I act the way I do is because... Well, maybe I'm a little scared of life. Well, Raymond, I guess all of us are a little scared of life at times. Oh, I wanted to tell you before I leave, cousin Harold, I went to see the marshal. I told him I was driving your car. You did? Yeah, and I told him I'd pay the fine out of my own pocket. I'm going to send him $2 a week. Well, that shows you do have a sense of responsibility, Raymond. And I'm proud of you. Well, thanks. Goodbye, Harold. Uh, Raymond. Yes? Uh, why don't you stay? Do you really want me to? Sure. Oh, thanks. You're a swell guy. Oh, yeah. Well, if I'm going to stay, I'd better make the first payment on my fine tomorrow. Oh, that's good, Raymond. Can you let me have $2, cousin? Raymond? Oh, well, what the heck? Here's the $2. Wait a minute. I'll make it three. I'm a heavy tipper, too. You have just heard the Harold Perry show, Honest Harold, who returns in just a moment with an important announcement. The supporting players tonight included Jane Morgan, Gil Stratton Jr., Ken Peters, and Polly Bayer, and featured Gloria Holliday as Gloria and Joseph Kearns as Old Doc Yak Yak. Norman McDonald directed, and the music was composed and conducted by Jack Meakin. Honest Harold, created by Harold Perry, was written by Gene Stone, Jack Robinson, and Bill Danch. Now back to Harold Perry. Well, Bob, I just wanted to say that the Honest Harold Laugh Contest is over, and the National Laugh Champion will be announced next week. 170 cities throughout the country sent in their entries, and the judges are now deciding the winner. The lucky lady will be flown to Hollywood via TWA for week's vacation, and she'll appear with us on the Harold Perry show while she's here. So I'll see you next week, folks. Good night. Now stay tuned for the Bing Crosby show, which follows immediately over most of these same CBS stations. Bob LeMond speaking. This is CBS, where you thrill to suspense on Thursday nights. The Columbia Broadcasting System.