 For the safety of your smile use pepsidon twice a day see your dentist twice a year Lever brothers company presents the pepsidon show my friend Irma created by Sy Howard and starring Marie Wilson as Irma With Joan Banks as Jane Friendship friendship Just perfect friendship when other friendships have been forgot In front of the mirror wondering how I look with gray hair at the age of 25 Why do I expect to be gray at 25? Well, I intend to still be living with Irma Pearson and brother if that doesn't do it. Nothing will Now, please don't misunderstand Irma is my dearest friend But some of the things she says are so maddening that I am about to tip my wig for instance the other day I said Irma. Yes, Jane. There's a movement on to make Hawaii the 49th state They want to bring it into the Union and I understand Washington is all for it Oh, so am I Jane, but I don't think it's possible. Why not? Well, how are they going to get it through the Panama Canal? See what I mean Now things like that. I'm a little too tired to answer and why am I tired? Well, this past week Professor Kropotkin opened his own little cafe and all of us have been helping him with the chores And I spared time right now. We're in our apartment and Irma's typing the menu for tomorrow. How are you coming along, honey? Oh very slowly Are there two or three ease and cream? I think one is enough I think one is enough honey. Are you sure? He uses that heavy cream Yes, honey, I'm sure. And please hurry, huh? The professor will be here soon to pick him up Irma, what's the matter now? Oh, I don't like this menu. I'm too worried about what the customers will think Sweetie, it isn't up to you. Just put down what the professor told you over the phone Alright, but don't blame me if no one eats the potatoes The potatoes? Yes, how can anybody eat them when they're french fried, mashed and all rotten? Irma, that's so rotten Look, sweetie, I'll take care of the menu Alright Jane, I think I'll iron that little apron I wear in the evening when I wait on the tables Oh, I meant to tell you honey, you look adorable in it Oh, thank you Jane. You know, I just can't wait till I finish work at the office So I can hurry home and help the professor at the restaurant Well, we're all getting a kick out of it because we love the professor so Irma, what's that? Oh, the tips I got last night fell out of the apron pocket Oh, how did you do honey? Oh, I got about sixty-five cents Well, what's that piece of paper? Oh, I waited on Al, that's a thank you note A thank you note? What does King Midas say? It says, I didn't leave money because when you spend it, it disappears So save this note, it will last through all the years A reckless playboy Oh, Professor Kropaken isn't here right now, but we expect him shortly Who? Mr. Hackett? Oh, your call back, thank you Hello Jane, hiya chicken Hello Al, honey Well kids, the professor isn't the only one in business, I got things going for me too Naturally Another one of your priceless deals like the last one you had? Bleaching shoelaces and selling them for spaghetti No, couldn't get a patent But my new one is a butte and so timely What is it Al? It's a derby, specially treated with bicarbonate of soda So that after election when you have to eat your hat, you don't get indigestion What do you think of it chicken? Oh Al, it's great Gee Jane, is it any wonder when I see him I get goose pimples? No honey, I can understand that He leaves me cold too Now just a second Jane, I know the opinion you have to me ain't got no snow on top of it But let me tell you something If it wasn't for my shifty eyes A lot of customers would be sneaking out without paying their check No Al, when you're right, you're right I admit I myself saw you grab several who were trying to get out without paying But I still can't figure out how you get wise to them Well, I've been doing that for years That is watching for them guys, you understand Yeah, I understand Well Al, I've been doing my share at the time Well Al, I've been doing my share at the restaurant too I think flirting with the fellows has helped business Wait a minute, chicken What's wrong Al? You mean you've been flirting with the boys? Oh, harmlessly Al When they ask me if I have frogs legs, I say look for yourself All that's different I'm glad you understand Al And you know the customers have all been very nice to me I made a mistake and gave a man four fives for a ten dollar bill And without batting an eyelash he gave me one of the fives back It's only me, Professor Kropatky Hello, Jane and Irma, my two little ice skaters One spinning ahead, the other with the head spinning Why, Professor, making your little jokes already You must be happy Oh, I shouldn't I be After all these years, my lifelong dream has come true I own my own little restaurant To you and Irma and Richard and Al Well, we're just as happy as you are that everything's so perfect Well, not so perfect As we say in the restaurant business, there is a fly in the soup And her name is Mrs O'Reilly Well, what's wrong with Mrs O'Reilly? What's wrong with her cooking? It's too plain I would like to give the customer something different So I asked her to make the clam chowder with a continental flavor Did she do it? Well, she tried But the only way I knew it was continental Was because it tasted like the bottom of the English Channel If she would only let me do the cooking Well, we have to be careful there You don't want to hurt her feelings Of course not And besides, she has a nasty way of getting even She'll raise my room rent A very delicate predicament It's like saying not guilty to a judge While a silverware has fallen out of your sleep I'll simply have to tell her That's probably her now Now, Professor, remember No scenes All right, no scenes Come in Hello everybody Oh, so there you are, Professor No, no, no, take it easy, Mrs O'Reilly Frowning will only give you wrinkles Oh, is that so? Yes, and on your face, there's no more room Now, Mrs O'Reilly Please, don't start anything When I've heard he's going around Criticizing my cooking to everyone And I won't have it You won't have it, listen to her Yes, listen to me Only one thing made you a restaurant My wonderful home cooking All you talk about is home cooking Home cooking I got news for you, Mrs O'Reilly Your cooking can put a person in a home For incurable Ah, don't cry, Mrs O'Reilly Professor, look what you've done I'm sorry, Mrs O'Reilly I didn't mean to insult you If you only knew that cooking was my greatest pride No, I understand, Mrs O'Reilly Oh, I remember back in Ireland When I was a young girl We had a pot-bellied stove And all the young lads in the neighborhood Would come over and I would cook And bake for them on the stove After a while, they began to think Of me and the stove as one Oh, O'Reilly, they used to come No, please, Mrs O'Reilly You made the best of me by crying Well, crying It's the woman in me Mrs O'Reilly, there's a woman in you And tell me, what is that camouflage You are wearing on the outside Quiet, the phone is ringing Hello, who's this? Oh, Mr Hackett again, yes Yes, the professor's here, just a minute, please It's for you, professor Oh, thank you, Gin, hello Yes, it's only me, Professor Kropatke What? Hold it a moment, please, I got to get my breath What's up, professor? The man on the phone wants to buy my restaurant What shall I say? What are you going to say, professor? I don't know, just a moment, Mr Hackett Somebody advised me Well, you're happy there, aren't you? I've never been so happy Are you making money? Yes, according to my balance sheet here Well, the total here shows a big profit Well, then don't be a chump, professor That's right, who did this Hackett think I am? A fool? Mr Hackett, you sure got your nerve You think you're talking to a fool? I'm a very smart businessman I got the gold mine here I wouldn't sell to you I don't care if you do buy the store across town I'm keeping this one The same to you Jump in the lake Well, you certainly told him Yes, and it certainly gives a man a wonderful feeling to have confidence in himself and to know that he is on the road to success Janie, when you get the minute I would like you to check those figures But I'm sure Irma put down everything Irma? Irma? Professor, I think I'd better look at that report Let me see That's right, $200 $200 is a lot of money Yes, to lose in one week Janie, what are you talking about? That's impossible Chicken, what did you do now? Irma, how could you mislead the poor professor? Oh, don't pick on me all the time I had to think I had a chance to sell the store I even went so far as to tell the man he was talking to a fool Can you know something about us? No, I'm ruined I'm ruined Professor, I'm surprised at you Didn't you know any better? I know any better, I'm a restaurant man I left the books to Irma The business is liquid Now I know what she meant by the business is liquid I was drowning Your winning smile is a pepsident smile Again and again, people have found it true The smile that wins is the pepsident smile When Betty McGuire of Havertown, Pennsylvania married, she traded a modeling career for that of housewife and mother But soon, Betty McGuire's smile was shown in another setting, too She gave lessons in charm at a nearby school for Philadelphia children The charm classes grew in popularity Now the school features her course Thoughts and teenagers looked to Betty for training in poise, etiquette, and modeling And she's a shining example for them even to her pepsident smile Betty told us I'll always teach the value of a sparkling smile and I know from my own experience that pepsident gets teeth really bright Like Betty McGuire, people all over America agree The smile that wins is the pepsident smile In recent comparison tests thousands of people preferred pepsident witherium over the brands they'd been using at home Yes, pepsident won by the overwhelming average of three to one for its cool, minty taste for making breath cleaner and teeth brighter Try a new pepsident toothpaste witherium and you will see the smile that wins is the pepsident smile At various stages of dejection Al is pacing the room The professor has his head buried in his hands and Irma Irma is sitting there crying and giggling This I cannot understand Irma, if you want to cry, cry but why must you giggle at the same time? I can't help it, Jane The tears keep falling on my knees and they tickle There's no sense in crying about it, honey I never saw such bookkeeping in my life I can't make it out For instance, what is this item? Five dollars for a bottle of whiskey and ten cents for toast I was trying to make right, Chris Great Professor, if I'm not being too personal why did you buy twice as much food as you needed? That's the only way to make big profits according to the Aminelli principles of buying Who's Aminelli? Is the man who's selling me twice as much as I need Oh, what's the use of talking? It's done Well, I admit you can't sell a restaurant to Mr. Hackett after the way you insulted him but the least we can do is try to make the business pay Oh, but Mrs. O'Reilly's cooking I'll have no more talk about my cooking For your information, my food is very nourishing I admit it's put extra weight on me hips but everyone tells me it's very stylish Stylish? Yes, they all say I look like the new Hudson Two of you, let's dispense with all the personal discussions We have one common problem and we must face it together Well, what's the problem, Jane? Maybe I can help Please, Irma, you've helped enough Al, have you any ideas how we can stimulate business in the restaurant? Uh, there are many economic steps open to us My favorite is the method used by the pilgrims You may recall the famous case of the farmer's wife who in order to save money made her own preserves I never heard of that historical incident But this unfortunate wife while working over a large vat of jam had the bad luck to fall in This was to become known in later years in financial circles as the law of self-preservation Jane, let me continue We're in a spot and every idea counts Now let me think Got it Let's hear it, Al, anything What our restaurant needs is showmanship, glamour that that Hollywood touch and I know how we get it Well, out with it, Al we tie in the food on our menu with famous moving pictures like, we could say, um, Spanish omelet from the loves of Carmen or fried rabbit from the Lady and Irma from the return of Lassie Please, relax and Al, I don't know when I've heard anything more idiotic Well, always got an ace up my sleeve and there's only one man who can help it Al, if you call who I think you're calling I'll scream Don't let him try, Jane, if you're sinking Who else but... Hello, Joe Ah, got a problem Professor Kropotkin's restaurant is going on the rocks How can we build up the business? Huh? The name is important, like, uh the automatic, shafts, childs Yeah, I know, what about it? Put a big sign in front of the joint saying childs But Joe, isn't that illegal? Uh-huh Uh-huh Uh-huh Uh-huh That's how we get away with it Under the name childs, in small print we say, must be accompanied by their parents Hang up, Al Please, Jane An ingenious idea, Joe but did not ring the bell here Thanks for your efforts and goodbye, noble friend Look, everyone, I don't think this problem calls for any divine inspiration All it's required is concentrated effort to go out and advertise the place to our friends But how do we do that? It's very simple For instance, I'll make it my job to tell all the girls at the office Mrs. O'Reilly, who can you talk to? Well, me eyelashes are down at the beauty parlour getting a henna rinse So I'll go right down there now and tell the girls about it Well, now that's the spirit How about you, professor? I think I'll go down to the musician's locality Oh, well now we're getting someplace How about you, Al? Where can you go? I've got a spot in mind You can depend on me Oh, that's swell and let's all try to get a big crowd at the restaurant tonight Come on Okay I forgot to say goodbye to you Chicken, you're crying What to do? I know, chicken God, you cannot be that they don't have any confidence in me Well, chicken Oh, don't say that, chicken I love you No, you don't Yes, I do Someday I'm going to marry you and let you raise and support our children Chicken, you're everything to me Oh, words, words, words Nothing but words Why don't you say something besides words? All right, chicken You don't believe I love you I'll prove it I'll give you an opportunity to redeem yourself for the mistake you made in the books Gosh, how can I, Al? I'm going to let you go to the place where I was going Where, Al? Well, I read in the papers that there's a meeting today at the city commissioners and I was going down there to spread the word about the restaurant Oh, gee, Al, you're smart I wish I had your fertilized mind Thanks, chicken And to show you how much I love you you can go to the city commissioner instead of me Gosh, Al, I wouldn't know what to say Nothing to it, chicken You merely say something like If you gentlemen are looking for something different in appetizing dishes, go to Kropotkin's where the tables are spread with the best Got it? Of course To play safe, let's have it backwards Let's see, if you gentlemen are looking for something different in appetizing dishes, go to Kropotkin's where the tables are spread with the best Chicken, that's wonderful Beyond your way fast before you forget it Oh, all right, Al Oh, and don't worry, I'll try my best and if that doesn't work, I'll try something else Peterson, you know, people just don't know just don't give you credit for what you know Imagine Al thinking I couldn't remember a simple thing like If you gentlemen are looking for something different go to the restaurant and find Kropotkin's spread on the table Just wait until I meet the city conditioner Conditioner? Oh, was that it? Or was it kitty submissioner? Oh well, I got one thing right I'll get the other So you had no luck, Jenny No, the girls all said they have their favorite restaurants How about you, Al? I spoke to some of the boys on the park bench but no dice You see, the fellas can go a long time without buying food They got the squirrels trained to bring them peanuts Well, I guess this is the end I should have sold it to Mr. Hackett when I had the chance Don't give up yet, folks We haven't heard from Irma Irma? It's a secret But the day may redeem herself more than you expect Oh, please, Al We all know Irma She'll be lucky if she can find her way home Don't sell chicken short, Jane I know most of the time She sounds like she don't know what the score is But I got confidence in that kid And to prove it I sent her to the city commissioner To bring some of the boys down here to eat Oh, please, Al You don't think for one minute Oh, my goodness What's the matter? It's Irma And look at all the men following her My chicken came through Come on in, everybody Hey, gentlemen, this way, please Go to work, Mrs. O'Reilly Irma, darling How did you do it? Oh, it was nothing Chicken, I'd like to talk to you Let's step inside the office Oh, sure, Al What is it? Those men look kind of shabby for politicians Are you sure you went to the city commission? Yes Just want to check Stay here Be right back How do you do, sir? How do, brother? Keep right on, Eaton Don't want to disturb you, commissioner Commissioner? Yeah I see your friends are eating Like it was on the house Well, ha It is on the house That young lady invited us down I don't understand Aren't you gentlemen connected With the city commission? No, brother We're all from the city mission Never pay for anything Aye What's wrong, brother? Oh, brother Got to talk to that chicken It's a matter Your eyes are shaking Pickon You have created a new Waterloo But don't say anything Here comes the profession Al Al, what's the matter? You look green and you haven't eaten yet Nothing's wrong Well, then be happy Smile Have you ever seen such a crowd? And look, they're all eating Like it was for nothing Professor It is for nothing Irma got these guys from the city mission What? No wonder every time I try to give them a check They throw their arms around me and sing For he's a jolly good fellow What can we do? Be humming, gang We couldn't do more business If we gave the food away Ha, ha, ha And Irma What's going on here, Al? Oh, pale Chicken, we might as well tell her Jane Chicken was supposed to go to the city commissioner Instead, she went to the city mission Irma, a thing like that Well Well, it's your fault Line Yes, remember yesterday I pointed to the window that said Osary And you said the rain had washed off a couple of letters And it was grocery Yes, but how could you make the same mistake With city commissioner Well, when I saw a city mission I figured it had rained there too What's the use of arguing about it now? Should we stop them guys out there from eating? Oh, no, no, Al The poor souls are hungry Let them eat We are broken anyway So we'll be a little broken Ah, gee, professor You're so sweet about things You're what people call a good sanitarium Irma, that's just where I'm going As soon as I close the door Professor Kropotkin What do you want, please? My name is Hacken Oh, you're the man that wanted to buy my place Yes, look here, Kropotkin Just because your restaurant is crowded And doing a terrific business Doesn't mean you can afford to ignore my offer Because I'm here to double it Double? Yes I've never seen a place so crowded Why those people couldn't eat more If it was free But I think I should tell you You can't tell me anything I've been in this business too long I'm a man of quick action Here's my check I consider the deal closed Good day, good day What happened? You, this never would have happened You forgive me, Jane? Forgive you, sweetie We adore you But in the future When you plan something like this Give us a little warning, huh? Well, that's hard for me to do, Jane You see, a lot of things go on in my mind Without me knowing about it She may be lightheaded But take it from me You're always in the dark With my friend Irma Your winning smile is a pepsidon smile Again and again, people have found The smile that wins is the pepsidon smile That's borne out by the vote of thousands Who tried new pepsidon toothpaste with erium In a recent nationwide test These people were given plain, unlabeled tubes Of pepsidon and were asked to compare it With the brands they were using at home When their votes came in Pepsidon won by the overwhelming average Of three to one These people say New pepsidon tastes better Makes their breath cleaner And their teeth brighter Than any other toothpaste they tried Remember, that's not just our opinion That's what people say They say it three to one They've seen pepsidon with erium Remove the film that makes teeth look dull Uncover new brightness in their smiles Try it, and you will see The smile that wins is the pepsidon smile Out of the restaurant And after paying all the bills And repaying the loan We're right back where we started Yup, the professor is back at the gypsy tea room Al is back in the unemployment line Mrs. O'Reilly is back as a landlady And Erma is back to normal She still doesn't know what's going on Erma, honey, where's my magazine? I don't know All right, where's my sewing basket? Well, I sure can't remember Well, I just don't want to sit here I think I'll write some letters Where's my fountain pen? I don't know Well, just turn on the radio I'll listen to some music All right, Jane Ladies and gentlemen, everybody's looking For that famous comedy team So the question of the day is Where's Amos? Where's Andy? Gee, they expect me to know everything And what they get are two different things When they're dealing with my friend Erma Erma is produced and directed by Cy Howard Mark Levy writes the script with Stanley Adams Wrote in the Claim and is brought to you by Pepsi and Toothpaste William Another fine product that Leaver brought to his company Marie Wilson has starred as Erma with Joan Banks as Jane The part of Al was played by John Brown Hans Conrad was heard as Professor Kropotkin And Gloria Gordon as Mrs. O'Reilly Music is under the direction of Ludveskin This is Wendell Niles speaking CBS The Columbia Broadcasting Center